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Chili
Jan 23, 2004

college kids ain't shit


Fun Shoe

CarlKillerMiller, your dysgraphic dumpster fire of pronoun confusing diatribulous babble is an abomination to the dome. Watch and marvel as I, a man with just four total submissions, only one of which avoided DM'ing/Losing, shows you how it's done with a fresh idea that's easy to follow and hits like a sack of bricks.

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Chili
Jan 23, 2004

college kids ain't shit


Fun Shoe

Someday, this poo poo may be included in a volume of bad stories.

Chili fucked around with this message at 07:15 on Jan 1, 2017

Chili
Jan 23, 2004

college kids ain't shit


Fun Shoe

In.

Chili
Jan 23, 2004

college kids ain't shit


Fun Shoe

Tyrannosaurus posted:

If someone was trying to be you, crit them.

Also, I'm in.

Carl Killer Miller, at least your story wasn't bad.

Chili
Jan 23, 2004

college kids ain't shit


Fun Shoe

Someday, this poo poo may be included in a volume of bad stories.

Chili fucked around with this message at 07:15 on Jan 1, 2017

Chili
Jan 23, 2004

college kids ain't shit


Fun Shoe

A Lovely Evening
27 Words

The giant prepared his fist,
For his nightly, dirty tryst,
I hid, but he found me,
He promised no sodomy,
Instead, he went up to his wrist.

Chili
Jan 23, 2004

college kids ain't shit


Fun Shoe

Awesome, I am in.

Chili
Jan 23, 2004

college kids ain't shit


Fun Shoe

Someday, this poo poo may be included in a volume of bad stories.

Chili fucked around with this message at 07:16 on Jan 1, 2017

Chili
Jan 23, 2004

college kids ain't shit


Fun Shoe

Big time in.

Chili
Jan 23, 2004

college kids ain't shit


Fun Shoe

Thanks for the crits.

Chili
Jan 23, 2004

college kids ain't shit


Fun Shoe

The prompt post says midnight, is it changing to noon? If so, I may not be able to pull this off.

Chili
Jan 23, 2004

college kids ain't shit


Fun Shoe

Ah, gotcha.

Thanks!

Chili
Jan 23, 2004

college kids ain't shit


Fun Shoe

Someday, this poo poo may be included in a volume of bad stories.

Chili fucked around with this message at 07:16 on Jan 1, 2017

Chili
Jan 23, 2004

college kids ain't shit


Fun Shoe

Well done with the crits, and thanks for the judging!

Chili
Jan 23, 2004

college kids ain't shit


Fun Shoe

In with:

Switched to judge

Chili fucked around with this message at 05:47 on Jul 30, 2016

Chili
Jan 23, 2004

college kids ain't shit


Fun Shoe

Carl Killer Miller posted:

Oh good, a whodunit spooky mystery from CKM. I wonder where your influences came from, you loving hack.


I'll be cashing in those 140 words, Muffin

Attacking yourself eh? And here I thought it was just your stories that lacked a spine.

Chili
Jan 23, 2004

college kids ain't shit


Fun Shoe

Jitzu_the_Monk posted:

In.

A LATE-NINETEENTH CENTURY RABBI wants to CURE INSANITY.

I'll snag this.

A ROADIE wants to SAVE THE WORLD.

Chili
Jan 23, 2004

college kids ain't shit


Fun Shoe

I was wondering if someone was waiting around for a new one. Enjoy!

Chili
Jan 23, 2004

college kids ain't shit


Fun Shoe

OK, so here's my crits for week 208. I asked Muffin to let me jump in and help judge so I could start thinking more critically about how and why things work. This was a fun week to read. As I feel most qualified to just comment on how stories play in the macro sense, most of my criticisms are centered on large-scale/gut impressions.

Carl Killer Miller - Baby, we're Not Defined by Old Times:

Not bad. The character motivations are established quickly, and their actions make sense. My big gripe is in the proofreading. There's some misspellings, missing words, a comma splice here and there, basic stuff. Overall, though, this story worked for me. I was able to read it quickly and I wanted to know what happened next. I'm not sure how much the conversation between the director and your protag helped you. I get that it helps establish a little bit of who this guy is, but this "Harold played a pleated-khaki buffoon who climbed a ladder to reach a spice jar in his kitchen after forgetting to wear adult undergarments. Once, Harold Pennington had shown a thousand people what Shakespeare meant in Pericles." Did a better job of it. The director being a cool, level-headed guy made the ultimate decision feel less important.



My vote - Mid

-----

a friendly penguin - Conservationist

I didn't follow much of this. It's pretty in parts, namely the way your protag interacts with the environment. On that alone, I didn't mind reading this.

I'm struggling, though, with the conflict. The actions of the characters don't feel important. It seems like something went wrong for Iris, but I'm not sure how it happened or if it's supposed to be earned or tragic.

Errant bother: The man’s eyes became further set and he walked closer to Iris, opening and closing his fists with every step.

I've never seen anyone do this and it made laugh imagining it in my head. Almost feels like a 1930's musical cartoon or something.

My vote - Middle

-----

Some Strange Flea

Right off the bat, I like the first sentence. Clever way to generate excitement and establish a breakneck pace. I hope this keeps up.

And then it doesn't. Bummer.

This one took me for a loop. It starts off like Mad Max and then it gets reflective and introspective. I know you're going for something with your hard cut but I can hardly tell what it is. What I know is that you 100% have a clear image in your mind of what's going on here, and I'm guessing the picture you've imagined is good, but it's just not terribly clear what's going in beyond the barrier.

Favorite bit: I like the way you handle action and movement.

My vote - Middle
-----

steel toed sneaker's - Inertia

I like the way you describe the building. Starting with it shaking and then getting into the nitty gritty of the architecture is smart. You're giving a reason to give a poo poo.

And then, almost immediately, your story gets into trouble. The point of view starts to switch, and you go from a sweeping description of a building to a dude's stream of conscious and then back to an outside perspective of his motion and it's just a mess.

More to the point, I just don't care about either of these guys. The building is falling and it just doesn't matter to me at all.


Errant Observation - “H..hey, what do you mean by ‘we’? None of your characters said "we" what are you talking about?

This needed a proofread. It's unclear and messy.

My vote - Bottom, Possibly DM/Loss
-----

CANNIBAL GIRLS - Disassembly

Alrighty, I live in Baltimore. I'm already excited for this one. Let's go.

I love your opening paragraph. Probably my favorite opener so far. I also really am digging that you just went for it and took the prompt literally.

The problem though is that I got way more interested in what's going on with this factory and how it all works and what you ended up with was a story about two interchangeable characters that I don't have any reason to care about going and doing a thing that I don't care about. There's too much left to interpretation here with regards to the rules of this magical factory. It's a testament to how you set everything up that I want to know more (how are the vials used, who is giving these orders etc.) but it's a let down that not much of it is delivered.

My vote - Mid/Bottom
------

Screaming Idiot - Temptation

This was funny. It got several actual chuckles out of me and one really good laugh. That's a hard thing to do. The story obviously is somewhat minimal, but I'm always partial to mixed motivations. You did a good job. I wanted to keep reading. I liked your characterization of the devil, almost felt like the robot devil from Futurama, or the devil from Rick and Morty.

Since there isn't much in the way of a plot to pick apart, the one thing I will say was that the big punchline didn't land for me. Also, the guy's response to the punchline felt a little awkward and cartoonish but I guess that may be keeping in tone with the story.

I liked this.

My Vote - Near Top

----

The Cut of Your Jib - The Lighthouse

Pretty. I get the sense that you had a perfect image in your mind, the two meeting at the rope and went from there. If so, you totally nailed it. The picture was perfect, and that alone made the story worthwhile for me. You lost me a little on how this ties to candy. That may be because it was unclear or because I am dim. I'm not totally sure what the motivation of the characters was all about but you painted a complex picture supremely well, and that was enough for me to enjoy what I read.

My Vote - Mid-Top
-----

Kaishai - Words of Wood and Blood

Good poo poo, this. Rough to read to at the end, but that was no doubt your intention. I'm struggling to find much to gripe with here. I guess the king's motivation is weak? Dude is just a poo poo head, I guess? Also, all we get with regards to how Ansiel feels about the trees is a quick mention of his love for their voice. His connection to the trees could maaayybee have been a little stronger? Also also, I didn't get the impression that the tree was "scared" as was the prompt's charge. Nit Picks. I liked this a lot.

My vote - Top hm for sure/possible win

-----

Jonked - Happyville

Hm. I don't know? I feel like you hardly need the opening vignette for this. There's very little mystery about this happyville place, it's obvious something is going on, and then your protagonist ends up not caring and I'm wondering why I should care either. It was quite a ways to go for a punchline that wobbled a bit on its landing. The motivation of this company is just not doing much more for me. It seems like a bunch of people are blackmailed in this way and to what end? If your protagonist is a clear, level-headed guy and he thinks the whole thing sounds stupid, what do you think our level-headed readers will think?

My Vote - Bottom

------

PALE SPECTRES - Wolf Spider

This needed some cleaning up. Missing words and such. The piece is dizzying and tough to get through; it had nice little pretty moments in it but by the end of it the night section I'm just tired and bored and ready to move on. For what it's worth I love the way it starts, and I love the way it finishes, the last vignette is probably the best part of this. Overall, though, it was hard for me to care about pretty much everything in the middle.

My Vote - Somewhere in the middle

------

flerp - A Flower is a Flower No Matter How Many Petals You Rip Off

Style over substance. This didn't do much for me. Somehow the tone of this felt too casual while it seemed like it was supposed to be flowery and nice. I'm not sure if I have much else to say here. I read it twice and it just didn't grab me.

My vote - mid bottom

------

Ceighk - Crunch Time

Dude, did you even read what you wrote? This thing is such a hot mess. The sentences go on forever, I scarcely know who you're talking about, words are misspelled or missing. You make up new apps and keep the names of some old conventions entirely losing me in the process. It was also awful reading the word Lavio over and over again. I'm sure this was for effect but for that to work the rest of your story can't be a chore to get through. I don't know what is going in this story and I'm not interested in finding out. You lost me pretty quickly here.

My vote - Bottom possible loss/definitely a dm

------

Sitting Here - And so the Orchid

This stood out a lot from the other entries this week. You told a story from a unique perspective without any named characters, and it made sense and was pretty. The short length meant the anaphora didn't get stale and kept it springy throughout. The fact that narration is so objective but the story holds up as evocative is a neat little trick as well.

My vote - Near top/HM

------

Quo Pro Quid - I'm Not Here To Make Friends

Well that was goofy as gently caress. I don't know what I just read but I enjoyed it. The satirical elements of this are fun enough, but you don't give us enough to make it clear as to what's happening here. I'm also not sure how well this addressed the prompt. I wanted to hate the bachelor more and I wanted to care more about the girls. That's probably where you lost my buy in; there wasn't enough tension for me to care. But, it was fun to read.

------

Sebmojo - Self Possessed


I'm a sucker for the dynamic of quiet bar stories. I got into this early. It opened powerfully.

I also cared about the hands not being his own bit which piqued my interest nicely.

That carried me through the action, which I wasn't particularly into, but I cared enough about the outcome that I stayed with you. I dug it.

My vote - mid-top
------

Tunapirates - Linda Who is Bad at Puns

This story did not do anything for me one way or the other. I think it was trying to be funny, but the shock factor ends pretty quickly. Ultimately, I just found this underwhelming, I understood what happened, and it was nice and clear. That's about it, though. The failures of the story weren't so much in the technical writing bits, but in a soggy and weak idea.

My vote - middle

Chili
Jan 23, 2004

college kids ain't shit


Fun Shoe

Someday, this poo poo may be included in a volume of bad stories.

Chili fucked around with this message at 07:16 on Jan 1, 2017

Chili
Jan 23, 2004

college kids ain't shit


Fun Shoe

I really hope that NO TRUMP becomes a consistent policy.

Chili
Jan 23, 2004

college kids ain't shit


Fun Shoe

Just spoke with head judge Jitzu, and he's generously allowing a stupid idea of mine.

After judgement has been rendered this week, probably sometime on Monday night or maybe the following weekend, there will be a video hangout where my cat Butterscotch will join me in critting/chatting about stories.



We'll talk specifics regarding time probably somewhere on IRC.

In order to join the chat however, you will have to submit a story this week. Do that, and you'll get the url for the chat.

This is not my rule, it is Butterscotch's rule, for even a plate of lovely kibble is better than an empty plate.

And I'm only going to do this if there's interest.

Chili
Jan 23, 2004

college kids ain't shit


Fun Shoe

Djeser posted:

also CALLED SHOT: from my pulp week, IT BELONGS IN A MUSEUM taking place on A MOUNTAIN

I hope you rolled your dice :colbert:

Chili
Jan 23, 2004

college kids ain't shit


Fun Shoe

Well done domers. I'll have crits up tomorrow.

Chili
Jan 23, 2004

college kids ain't shit


Fun Shoe

I'm in it to _____ it. I'll fill that in later with my result.

Edit; Oh and just and advanced warning, my fictional character is going to be made out of Donald Trump's hair.

Chili fucked around with this message at 18:59 on Aug 17, 2016

Chili
Jan 23, 2004

college kids ain't shit


Fun Shoe

Week 210 crits. I did these in judgemode this time around, I found it helped me a lot. I tried breaking things down into five different categories. If these crits read well, and people like them, I'll probably do it that way again.

Clarity: Could I understand what happened?
Impact: Did I care about what happened?
Feel: Did the story flow nicely, did the words do work for you?
Plot: Is there a story in here? (Was a little forgiving this week since vignettes were allowed)
Polish: Did this need proofreading?

From Capes To Cameras

This was a middle of the road story to me, didn't upset me reading it or anything but I didn't much care about any of it.

Clarity : High marks for clarity. I understood what was happening, for the most part. I didn't quite get that we were dealing with superheroes at first, but I think that poor reading and not necessarily poor writing.

Impact: Not so much here. I didn't care about your protagonist. His decision to leave didn't matter at all to me because I didn't know anything about him before he made it. I get that he wants to be a photographer, but I don't know why, and therefore, I don't care if he succeeds or fails.

Feel: Fair to middling here. Your word choice is fine, for the most part, but you never sentences don't sing and aren't doing work for you. Also, ditch words like "interesting", you're asking us to take your word for it, tell us what your character is looking for the in the sky that would make a cloud interesting. Also, you've got a lot more passive voice in this than you want in a story. Makes the whole thing feel kinda bleh.

Plot: Not much really happens, guy leaves, guy fails, guy steps up, guy gets creepy with a sooty woman. Doesn't really matter.

Polish: No hugely glaring problems.

Random Pedantic Quibbles:

Are terrorists known for holding a camera a certain kind of way? I guess you mean he's holding it like a bomb, but that doesn't work either.

Also, this sentence : "I've decided," Ahmed said. "I'm going to be a photographer. Say cheese!" Made me groan.

Your hardcut before "After the shoot" is unnecessary. If you're going to tell us "after the shoot" just lose the hashtags.


The Sixth Sun

Overall, this was not a good entry. I didn't care about much of any it, and it's a mess. This is probably a DM vote for me. Could be a loss if this is a strong week.

Clarity: Low. This is Michael Bay action. I didn't understand much of what was happening.

Impact: I didn't care about this. With so much action and not much in the way of clear motivation, it just didn't matter to me what happened.

Feel: I kinda like your descriptions of some things, you have the tools to paint a lovely image. Probably your strongest suit that I'm noticing. Those last couple of paragraphs go on forever and reading them did get a touch tiring.

Plot: Again, Michael Bay action. I guess your characters move through their beats in an OK way, but not much resonated with me.

Polish: Not good. You're missing words, there are comma splices, "it's" instead of "its" ... this needed proofreading. I'm especially frustrated with the "it's" business because sometimes you get it right and sometimes you don't so I'm inclined to think you know better. If you want judges to read your stuff with a critical eye, you should do it first.


Come Live With Me

This didn't work for me. The eponymous repeated phrase is cumbersome and doesn't do anything. Is this like a ghost story or something? I didn't know how to feel with this; it didn't feel sad, funny, scary, or particularly dramatic. The annoying thing is this started pretty strong, I liked the opening paragraph. This ranks low for me this week.

Clarity: Not great, towards the end I had a hard time understanding what was happening

Impact: I should've cared more, and maybe that's my fault. Either way, I didn't care about your protagonist. Why is your character alone? What's their deal? Give us something; it'll help us care.

Feel: Again, the repeated phrase just sounds stupid to say and it disrupted any flow that you had built up.

Plot: Buys record, goes home, listens, gets haunted, goes to the library, deals with the haunting. Fine, whatever.

Polish: Not bad, couple of times where the tenses get a little hairy, but for the most part this is pretty clean.


Equilibrium

I didn't understand this. I liked how it started, and then I just got confused. Some of the words were pretty. That's about all I got. Low-Mid

Clarity: Nope. Just nope nope nope. I'm guessing there's some kind of symbolism here, but it's not clear, early on, what's happening, why the character was locked away, why they're leaving or the source of sudden confidence.

Impact: I was rooting for your lead from the start. You get points for that alone. Not much else here though.

Feel: I liked how you handled your environments. I'm not so into how you handled your character's thoughts and feelings.

Plot: Can't tell when critical decisions are being made. It seems like the decision is made in the beginning, and then made again for some reason?

Polish: Pretty fresh and clean, for the most part.


The Tortoise and the Tiger

Style over substance here, pretty to read but it didn't do much else for me. Wasn't bad. Probably Midtoppish.

Clarity: Lot of action, both of your characters names ended with U, I got them mixed up a couple of times. Your action was, for the most part, pretty clear.

Impact: Nah, didn't really care. I felt pretty safe reading this, not threatened at all, I wanted to buy in more.

Feel: I'm getting that this symbolic and that these animals aren't just animals. But I'm not entirely clear as to what they are, that could be my failing or yours, not sure.

Plot: Tiger gets pissed, goes after turtle, turtle kind of wins but teaches a lesson or something?

Polish: You're missing something at the start of your third paragraph, or at least I hope you are. Also, this sentence is bad: What surprised Bai Hu was when he spat her out on the ground again, right in front of a crude -- though sturdy -- structure of logs and branches.


Decaf

Boy this started out great. Took a bit of a turn for the hosed up, which is nice when it works, but it didn't really work for me here. There's nice things in here though, and those nice things persisted. Midtoppish. (Upon a re-read when this was up for the win, I did understand what was going on here more, but I didn't at first, so this was still not my vote for the win but definitely an HM.)

Clarity: I understand what's happening in this story. I think. Where you lost me was with the business where they try to start killing each other. I get that there's some outside influence happening, but I was slightly confused reading this.

Impact: The horror of the situation eclipses the characters. That's OK, this is a reality show type of deal so we don't need to know their motivation, but giving them traits that separate them from each other was good enough.

Feel: The recurring italicized statements could have gone very poorly. But they didn't. I think they served the story well.

Plot: Good, but I didn't follow it much at first. Upon a re-read this is some good hosed up poo poo you've brewed.

Polish: Couple of small things, a "me" instead of "I" and "covers" instead of "cover", not a big deal. Otherwise fine.


Special Sauce

The protagonist being a junkie is fine, making him entirely unlikable and brooding makes your story harder to sell. Fortunately, most of it works. Mid

Clarity: Totally fine. I understand everything that's happening.

Impact: I don't care about this guy, and I don't care about his friend. A junkie may do whatever they need to get their high but that doesn't mean that have to joke about tumor clubs in their dying siblings.

Feel: This was probably the best "voice" so far. I heard this story coming from the mouth of an addict. You nailed that and it served you really well.

Plot: I'm not sure why many of the things at the end happened. I understood the whole "go get drugs" bit, I don't really understand the revolution bit. I also don't understand why we should take your leads word for it that we need one.

Polish: Fresh N' Clean, by my eye.


Puppy Love

This was fine. Middle of the road story for me. Very simple John Wickian story, with the problem of a godmode protag.

Clarity: Perfect. Understood everything just fine.

Impact: None. This guy felt totally invincible, him winning felt like a foregone conclusion.

Feel: You handle action nicely, I can tell you visualize this stuff playing out. Well done here.

Plot: Mohawk Man is a waste of time. I guess he was an informant, but who cares? Dive could have just as easily walked into the bar by himself and appeared as menacing.

Polish: No egregious problems, little bit of confusion with who is speaking, make sure it's clear.


Single Celled

A bunch of little vignettes told by folks didn't get any empathy out of me. This could work as some of kind of short video, but without characterization and actors to bring these words to life, it was tough to care. Low DM/loss candidate.

Clarity: I get what's going. There's not a whole of risk in just telling rapid fire stories though.

Impact: None.

Feel: I guess you kinda catch a decent sense of tone from most of the characters, but they feel pretty interchangeable.

Plot: Doesn't really exist.

Polish: The language is abhorrent to read, another reason why this would be better suited as a script. Apart from all of that though, I guess it's fine.


Going Down the River With You

Fine, I guess. Didn't wow me. I suppose I'm more interested in what's going on with the void than the relationship or motivations of the characters. That's probably not a good thing. Midlow

Clarity: Pretty good, followed this.

Impact: I cared a little about the relationship, that was nice, as individuals, didn't care much about the characters. I'd like to learn more about why or how the world is falling apart.

Feel: You handle movement of the characters well.

Plot: Not really compelling, but I guess it all makes sense.

Polish: Little mistakes , "turns arounds" things like that, but mostly OK.


they name storms after people for a reason

I didn't follow this, pretty much at all. The cuts were jarring and I'm not sure what was happening. This felt pretty low to me.

Clarity: See above

Impact: Didn't know what was going on, hard for me to care.

Feel: I liked starting off with the joke, I didn't like the callback to it. Waste of time.

Plot: Eh, still lost.

Polish: Guess it's OK?


Stormborne

Going into this story, I was worried about not have a clear pick for the win. By the end of your piece, I didn't feel that way. This was gorgeous and I loved it. My win pick.

Clarity: You took a totally out of the box concept and handily made it work. I understood what was going on despite the premise being very whimsical and somewhat complex.

Impact: I was rooting for your character, the image of her lilting about with a net gave her an innocent and childish presentation.

Feel: This read very whimsically, and I dug it all the way through.

Plot: Little bit hazy in the middle, but pretty clear for the most part.

Polish: Fresh N' Clean

Chili
Jan 23, 2004

college kids ain't shit


Fun Shoe

Oh right, the DQ'd story:

Salamander

I liked this one. The story itself is small and straightforward and since it’s compehensible and the motivation is explained the lack of characterization of the protagonist isn’t a huge strike against you.

Clarity: Very good. A lot of time descriptions can disrupt my sense of understanding, that didn’t happen here.

Impact: Meh, I didn’t really care. I cared about the salamander than your people. If they failed, it wouldn’t have bothered me, if your protag was murdered, it wouldn’t have bothered me.

Feel: Again, the descritipons didn’t distract, so that’s good, but I don’t think they necessarily added anything to the story for me. I was more interested in the journey proper over how the salamander looks. With your careful attention to detail, it’s no wonder you ran over the wordcount, if you were a touch more conservative, you could’ve told an equally effective story within the 1,000 limit easy.

Plot: Simple story, not much in the way of excitement or tension and the end result doesn’t really land for me. Maybe it all happens to quickly. I think if your protag got to the bottom a lot quicker, maybe like 1/3 of the way through your story, and then spent the rest dealing directly with the salamander, you’d have a lot more to talk about. Getting there didn’t feel important. The wrestling match over keeping wits about him was far more interesting.

Polish: Couple of missing words and such. For the most part, lookin’ good.

Chili
Jan 23, 2004

college kids ain't shit


Fun Shoe

Someday, this poo poo may be included in a volume of bad stories.

Chili fucked around with this message at 07:17 on Jan 1, 2017

Chili
Jan 23, 2004

college kids ain't shit


Fun Shoe

Hey friends, I'm gonna judge this little kerfuffle.

You've got 1,500 words to write a story about being lost.

Interpret that as you will, but one or more of your central characters should spend a good portion of the story not knowing exactly where they are.

You've got until Monday 8/29/16 at noon eastern time to submit your words. I'll judge them quickly.

Get to it.

edit; fixed the deadline timing, I'm an idiot

Chili fucked around with this message at 23:42 on Aug 22, 2016

Chili
Jan 23, 2004

college kids ain't shit


Fun Shoe

sebmojo posted:

Send your words back through the time stream there is a small chance the buffeting of the raging temporal flux will make them good

poo poo. Edited.

Chili
Jan 23, 2004

college kids ain't shit


Fun Shoe

s7indicate3 posted:

poo poo. Now I've lost all 3 times I've entered. Gotta say I'm feeling pretty low right now. Any veterans got any advice on how not to suck as much?

Jump into IRC. I lost my first week and DM'd a bunch after. I ended up chatting with folks on there and bounced ideas off them, it helped a lot. Chatting with other people on a similar mission is a lot of fun as well.

Chili
Jan 23, 2004

college kids ain't shit


Fun Shoe

Lazy Beggar posted:

How Feathers Fall
I found it odd that Nargir struggled to get by for years and then, only as his pantry grew bare and wasn't yet empty, he decided to ring Shaffer's neck. Also, he had wood for fire. That isn't not rock bottom. Come back to me when he uses the floorboards.

This was such a great loving point, thank you so much for the insight!

Chili
Jan 23, 2004

college kids ain't shit


Fun Shoe

flerp posted:

:siren: offering five line by lines for any story :siren:

first come first serve one per customer newbies more than welcome

I was thinking about doing something with this one, so I'd appreciate more eyes.

http://writocracy.com/thunderdome/?story=4885

Chili
Jan 23, 2004

college kids ain't shit


Fun Shoe

Chairchucker posted:

I'm in someone pick me a headline I'm bad at decisions.

Still debating if I want in or not, so have this one for now:



Russian Goodfellas

Chili
Jan 23, 2004

college kids ain't shit


Fun Shoe

flerp posted:

the pact is sealed. chili, echo cian, quid pro quo, muffin and thranguy, your crits are here. i hope you enjoy my ramblings and maybe find them useful who even knows anymore

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1SN2xvpV5Gl6fLALGusXdE6WVjq2UigsgFD_XgykCHso/edit?usp=sharing

Thanks flerp! Didn't know the dialogue thing was an issue at all. Definitely will work on it.

Chili
Jan 23, 2004

college kids ain't shit


Fun Shoe

Paladinus posted:

Just wanted to say thank you to some poor saps who not only read my lousy words, but read them out loud for some reason. In return, here are some words (mentioned by the very same saps) read out loud by me while sitting on the toilet.



Fart.

Well done.

Chili
Jan 23, 2004

college kids ain't shit


Fun Shoe

Dreampunk is mine.

Chili
Jan 23, 2004

college kids ain't shit


Fun Shoe

My crits will be up tomorrow.

Chili
Jan 23, 2004

college kids ain't shit


Fun Shoe

The Brother's Natalya

This wasn't bad. The dad didn't scare me as much as I wanted him too, probably could've gotten a stronger characterization. I wasn't wholly satisfied with the ending. I'd like to know these kids ages. It matters, and I was trying to guess at it throughout the story. Overall though, this was sweet and I liked most of it. I am, however, particularly receptive to stories about brothers.

Clarity: Rock Solid. I understood everything that happened in the story.

Impact: Middlin' here. The relationship between the two brothers isn't necessarily original, but it is believable. What wasn't necessarily believable was the ending. It feels like something kids would do, only to turn back in an hour. Knowing the ages of the kids would have cleared that up. We even know how old their alter-ego is.

Story : This may be the weakest part. Everything you tell us, except for the ending, seems to be of regular occurrence. Up until Sergei sees the computer missing, this is all just day-in-the-life. Get to the meaningful bits faster and expand more on them.

Feel : You're not necessarily trying to make the most out of your words but they you don't get caught up with too much descriptive stuff or anything. Feel of the story was all right.

Polish : First sentence had a comma splice. I was worried that this was going to be a harbinger. That was kinda the case, proof better. I would've argued for this to HM if it were cleaner.

Errant Quibble - When he was a baby he used to imitate the voices of the presenters on TV.

Friendly Match

Didn't care for this. The opening jokes fell flat, and the reference made me groan more than anything. I get that you were cheeky with the prompt, that was cute. That's about all I took away from this though.

Clarity: Fine, understood everything OK.

Impact: None. Your guy sipped coffee to indicate a punchline, and I lost all interest in him as a human being. He then proceeds to have stuff happen around him and go and play word games in his mind to avoid conflict. I don't care about him.

Story: He gets asked to do something, he does it. There's kind of a little bit of a monkey wrench but if it hadn't happened, nothing would've changed. If anything, removing the van would have given your character something more challenging to do, contrive a victory out of nowhere, you have him an out, and that didn't help your story.

Feel: Lot of weak language/passive voice, even when in your narration and with your native English speaker.

Polish: Fine for the most part.

No Doze

Bad dialogue. Having a character start a sentence with "christ" doesn't feel real at all. There's also just things that people straight up don't say "Yes I said meth. With what did you think I was going to bribe a couple a’ foreign police officers with?” Look how awkward that is, and how easy it would be to fix. There also isn't a story here. That's a problem.

Clarity: I don't know where your characters are at all times. This was especially rough on your last hard cut. A bell rings and I didn't know they were inside of a place that would have one. If you're gonna hard cut like that, you gotta let us know where your characters are.

Impact: There wasn't anything strong about this. They're wandering around, then they get high and just talk.

Story: Again, not much here.

Feel: This kinda feels a little like an Ingmar Bergman thing, they're just kinda talking about poo poo.

Polish

I don't think "skritch" is a word. Also, since I just got the crit that I poorly punctuate my dialogue, I'm going to pass along that bit of criticism to you as I now notice that type of thing more often. Flerp recommended this after Kaishai recommended it to him, it's good http://litreactor.com/columns/talk-it-out-how-to-punctuate-dialogue-in-your-prose


Because gently caress You, That's Why

You had a tough prompt, but so far this is my favorite story. It was totally ridiculous but I enjoyed reading it. Not every joke landed, but many did. Your lead was a touch uneven, but for the most part, this somehow worked.

Clarity: Yup, no issue here.

Impact: I don't think you were going for a heavy impact story, that's fine. Since it was mostly a comedy and it mostly got chuckles, that's a win here.

Story: I guess I get it. There's some philosophical thingamajig that states that a little bit of rebellion is necessary for tyranny to prevail. I think that's what going on here

Feel: Sometimes we're seemingly in her head, sometimes we're not, and that was a small quibble for me. Otherwise, it's fine. The opening felt like a Disney Musical, that's maybe a good thing, I don't know.

Polish: Couple of typos, nothing major.

Man-Made Elements

I really dig the premise of this story. Things kind of slowed down in the middle. I think you established a strong enough relationship before you realized that you had, so you kind of bloated the middle.

Clarity: Perfect

Impact: The last image you paint you earned. I liked their relationship and as a result, this stung.

Story: Your protag's goal isn't mentioned until it happens, but that feels intentional. What matters in this story is the relationship the goal is essentially a MacGuffin. So I guess we knew he goes undercover, builds trust with his roommate, and ultimately betrays that trust and is heartbroken over it, works well enough.

Feel: You go back and forth between what it's like to dissociate and what it's like to have a dishonest relationship, for the most part, it works.

Polish: A-OK

Purely Coincidental

Didn't work for me. I'll go into more detail in the breakdown.

Clarity: Nope, I got lost a couple of times and it was hard for me to finish this.

Impact: Nope, not sure who I was supposed to care about if anyone here, I think it was supposed to be funny which could excuse some of that, but it didn't get any laughs out of me.

Story: I think I kinda followed it enough to understand that they're killing Daniel Radcliffe, lord knows you used his full name enough for me to follow that much.

Feel: Not sure who is doing what, why they are doing it, I'm just lost.

Polish: I don't know. I'm not sure what was done for effect.

Gam Zu l'Tovah

This was a hot mess. The formatting was insane and made following this really difficult. There were also just a whole bunch of proofing mistakes and I'm not quite sure what was going on for most of this. I don't really want to dig much deeper. If you clean it up though, I'll offer you an extensive crit.

Perennial

This story just took forever. The repetition got tiresome. I wasn't a fan. Cute bit of creativity with the prompt. That's about it.

Clarity: Got a little glazed over at times on this one.

Impact: For a story about a tragic dying person, I would hope to be more engaged and care more. Didn't connect, though, she's plucky; we get it.

Story: Wasn't much of one, we find something out, and we see it get realized over and over again.

Feel: Wasn't exciting, or poignant. Didn't do much to grab me.

Polish: Nothing terribly concerning.

Greedily and Too Deep

This was solid. Started off, remained engaging throughout. Good stuff, not much else to say.

Clarity: Full marks, no problems.

Impact: Cared about your character. You probably know better than me how you achieved this. My takeaway is that your protag speaks with a shitton of conviction.

Story: Solid. Not much to say here.

Feel: Read quickly and cleanly. I like how the problems are defined and they are addressed solidly.

Polish: Ayup, good good.


Life of the Party in Dead Berlin

Getting tired ,but want to finish up here. This didn't connect much for me.

Clarity: Yeah, fine.

Impact: Couldn't give less of a poo poo about your dude here.

Story: Kinda neat, telling different things. That worked.

Feel: Not loving the descriptions, felt a little bland at times.

Polish: Nothing glaring.

The god squad: inside the secret society of Salt Lake City

I want to go on record saying that I put out that "this had a good voice" thing first. Kinda obvious I know, but all of the other judges are saying it.

Clarity: Yup, followed you straight up.

Impact: Dug your guy, thus dug the story.

Story: Worked out nicely.

Feel: Couldn't stop seeing this The Big Lebowski's Dude, that is a good thing.

Polish: Fresh N' Clean

Psalm 121


I kinda had to recuse myself from this story. I don't know how extensive your knowledge is in regards to jewish stuff, but mine is pretty deep and this story just made very little sense with regards to the jewish crap. Anyway, I kinda glazed over a couple of times in this one.

Clarity: Decent, the long paragraphs made this somewhat of a struggle.

Impact: Didn't care.

Story: I like the idea of it, but the execution didn't work for me due to the aforementioned inaccuracies (torah going in a lap)

Feel: Not good, for the same reason, again why I kinda wanted to recuse myself from this one.

Polish: Not so good again. A basic lovely Jewish nitpick but no observant jew would write out the transliterated word for god in Hebrew and use the G-d thing right after. Yay for pedantic Jewish nonsense! Blame my parents for shoving me into Jew school for 18 years.

And with that, I'm hoping to finalize one of the fastest rounds of crits ever. Weehoo!

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Chili
Jan 23, 2004

college kids ain't shit


Fun Shoe

Quidnose posted:

I normally don't respond to crits and let them happen, but in light of your comments, Chili, I do want to apologize if I offended anyone who is far more of a practicing Jew than I am. I am ethnically Jewish but beyond occasional seders, Chanukah, and a knowledge of the prayers, I realized about halfway through the story as I was sifting through the 8000 tabs I had open that I had a good idea but I am no Michael Chabon. It never really gestated exactly how I wanted it to, there was a lot of rush stuff at the end (as called out for), and I think if I was looking to do something that got me more in touch with my Jewish roots I probably should have given it a little bit more than Friday to Sunday, but at the end of the day, I wanted to get something in for critique.

My intention was not to present that I was any sort of expert on Judaism, and I think a little too much of "I can do this" crept in when I couldn't. So if anyone read my story and went "wow, this dick," I truly apologize, because I can see how this can come off as some random internet white dude writing about Jews in WW2.

I wasn't offended at all, it just niggled me when I was reading it. Truth be told, I'm a full blown atheist now and even back when I was super observant, I wouldn't have cared. As I was spotting inaccuracies, it just messed with the quality of the read to me. That's about it. No harm, no foul.

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