Post a Good Computer Joke Here

The Something Awful Forums > Discussion > Serious Hardware/Software Crap > YOSPOS > Post a Good Computer Joke Here

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black pete: Mar 24, 2015; DON'T MIND ME!

I'LL MAKE JOKES ABOUT RAPE.

Mac users are gay phags and Steve Jobs was a pedophile

(USER WAS PUT ON PROBATION FOR THIS POST)

# ? Jan 26, 2016 09:37

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? Apr 25, 2024 07:28

Sham bam bamina!: Nov 6, 2012; ƨtupid cat

"Aw great. My goddamn cupholder's broken again!"

The Six and a Half Figgy IT worker takes his Mercedes in to the dealer to get its fiddly, over-engineered plastic cage of a cupholder repaired.

# ? Jan 26, 2016 09:58

Syncopated: Oct 21, 2010

LOMARF

# ? Jan 26, 2016 10:18

Jeffrey of YOSPOS: Dec 22, 2005; GET LOSE, YOU CAN'T COMPARE WITH MY POWERS

A Cobol programmer made so much money doing Y2K remediation that he was able to have himself cryogenically frozen when he died. One day in the future, he was unexpectedly resurrected.

When he asked why he was unfrozen, he was told:

"It's the year 9999 - and you know Cobol"

# ? Jan 26, 2016 11:47

curse of flubber: Mar 12, 2007; I CAN'T HELP BUT DERAIL THREADS WITH MY VERY PRESENCE

I ALSO HAVE A CLOUD OF DEDICATED IDIOTS FOLLOWING ME SHITTING UP EVERY THREAD I POST IN

IGNORE ME AND ANY DINOSAUR THAT FIGHTS WITH ME BECAUSE WE JUST CAN'T SHUT UP

there's only 10 people in this world, those who understand binary and those who don't, and like 8 other people.

(USER WAS PUT ON PROBATION FOR THIS POST)

# ? Jan 26, 2016 17:31

Phoenixan: Jan 16, 2010; Just Keep Cool-idge

microsoft called it windows because windows break easily

# ? Jan 26, 2016 20:03

Hogge Wild: Aug 21, 2012; by FactsAreUseless; Pillbug

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gZA2770_f84

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# ? Jan 26, 2016 20:10

echinopsis: Apr 13, 2004; by Fluffdaddy

# ? Jan 26, 2016 21:47

BONGHITZ: Jan 1, 1970

echinopsis posted:

# ? Jan 26, 2016 22:24

pram: Jun 10, 2001

echinopsis posted:

lol

# ? Jan 26, 2016 22:53

akadajet: Sep 14, 2003

echinopsis posted:

goldmine

# ? Jan 26, 2016 23:42

Inverse Icarus: Dec 4, 2003; I run SyncRPG, and produce original, digital content for the Pathfinder RPG, designed from the ground up to be played online.

edward snowcrash over here

# ? Jan 26, 2016 23:48

DONT THREAD ON ME: Oct 1, 2002; by Nyc_Tattoo; Floss Finder

bill gates named microsoft after his penis: micro and soft

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# ? Jan 27, 2016 03:40

mekkanare: Sep 12, 2008; We have detected you are using ad blocking software.

Please add us to your whitelist to view this content.

What was the computer charged for his shave and cut?
Two bits.

# ? Jan 27, 2016 03:54

Linux Pirate: Apr 21, 2012

echinopsis posted:

holy poo poo lmao

# ? Jan 27, 2016 05:25

Bored Online: May 25, 2009; We don't need Rome telling us what to do.

Bloody posted:

chome failfox slowfari Internet exploiter Microsoft project spurtin

(USER WAS PUT ON PROBATION FOR THIS POST)

internet exploder

(USER WAS PUT ON PROBATION FOR THIS POST)

# ? Jan 27, 2016 05:54

flakeloaf: Feb 26, 2003; Still better than android clock

echinopsis posted:

voting six

# ? Jan 27, 2016 16:08

Linux Pirate: Apr 21, 2012

what did bill gates name microsoft after?
him penis

(USER WAS PUT ON PROBATION FOR THIS POST)

# ? Jan 27, 2016 16:16

Dans Macabre: Apr 24, 2004

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mcSujceZDmg

free tom collins

# ? Jan 27, 2016 16:55

jony ive aces: Jun 14, 2012; designer of the lomarf car; Buglord

# ? Jan 27, 2016 16:56

DONT THREAD ON ME: Oct 1, 2002; by Nyc_Tattoo; Floss Finder

yesterday I was in a room training up two new guys. my boss walks in and asks 'pair programming eh?'

me: 'More like au pair programming! "

# ? Jan 27, 2016 19:31

Alighieri: Dec 10, 2005

C:/DOS
C:/DOS/RUN
RUN/DOS/RUN

(USER WAS PUT ON PROBATION FOR THIS POST)

# ? Jan 27, 2016 19:44

du -hast: Mar 12, 2003; BEHEAD THOSE WHO INSULT GENTOO

me n ma nigga trollie was chillin one day... talkin about perl and poo poo... finally one of us collapses due to the incredible amount of king cobra we have ingested

me: programming is loving terrible
trollie: true.dat

yeah ill take the probe for this one

(USER WAS PUT ON PROBATION FOR THIS POST)

# ? Jan 27, 2016 20:21

Hogge Wild: Aug 21, 2012; by FactsAreUseless; Pillbug

Two Polish computers are building a house. One of them is putting on the siding. He picks up a nail, hammers it in. Picks up another nail, throws it away. Picks up a nail, hammers it in. Picks up another, throws it away. This goes on for a while, and finally his friend comes over and asks him why he is throwing half of the nails away.

He replies, �Those ones were pointed on the wrong end.�

His Polish computer friend gets exasperated and says �You idiot, those are for the other side of the house!�

# ? Jan 27, 2016 22:05

Roosevelt: Jul 18, 2009; I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.

context: forums poster nbv4 posts a thread

this guy replies:

quote:

I work as a programmer coding software for an automatic sewing machine that runs entirely on cow manure to be used primarily by wives of cattle farmers (not even kidding). Despite how it sounds, we somehow have a steady stream of consumers and the software itself is surprisingly complicated -- the machine manages all different kinds of needles and threads, switching between them via a simple interface and it alerts the user when spools are running low, etc. It's not exactly the most fun work I've done, but it's unique and it pays well.

Anyway, the code-base is absolutely garbage and it makes heavy use of factories for creating any and all objects. What's even worse is that the coding standard here for factories is to use all single letter identifiers that consist of the first letter of the word that they represent. The exception to this rule is that if you want to represent something that is two or more words long, you use the first letter of each of those words (I.E. the generic factory for creating objects that represent "Needles" is a global object simply called "n" and the factory that produces objects that represent "Tatting Needles" is called "tn" ). Furthermore, we have a strict versioning convention where you append "v#" to any new factory name that is a revised version of another factory where # is the version number). For instance, at some point early on in development before I got here, the type for representing upholstery needle's was totally revamped and a new type was created -- rather than reuse the same factory name, the old one still exists, but if you want the new type, you have to use the "unv2" factory, where "unv2" stands for upholstery needle version 2. Couple this with the fact that there are pretty much no comments and you get impossible to read code that you have to analyze to figure out what it's supposed to be doing.

Case in point, we have different factories for threading needles that work with different internal types based on whether the machine is running on cow manure or bull manure or a combination, so there is a factory "nc" for "no cow" if it is trying to thread a needle when running strictly on bull manure, "cb" if it is trying to thread a needle while running on cow and/or bull manure, and "nb" if it is trying to thread a needle while running on just cow manure. What's worse is, these factories are constantly being revised so seeing an expression like "cbv3()" for "cow and bull version 3" is way too common.

To make a long story short, one afternoon back in 2002 I was making updates to the threading functionality and when I tested my changes on the actual machine, everything seemed to work fine except that whenever I went to work with strictly bull manure, all the spools were getting covered in feces! I looked back at my code but because it was a long day I couldn't figure out what the problem was so I just started a new version of the "no bull" code and increased the version count to 5.

Everything works fine now if you use the latest factory, but to this day, nbv4 produces nothing but lovely threads.

# ? Jan 27, 2016 22:55

Smythe: Oct 12, 2003

# ? Jan 28, 2016 01:21

Asymmetric POSTer: Aug 17, 2005

Smythe posted:

lol

(worth the probe just to post lol)

# ? Jan 28, 2016 01:28

elite_garbage_man: Apr 3, 2010; I THINK THAT "PRIMA DONNA" IS "PRE-MADONNA". I MAY BE ILLITERATE.

q: what's the difference between a woman and a computer?

a: a woman doesn't accept a 3 and a half inch floppy.

# ? Jan 28, 2016 03:44

Incomplete Fish: Apr 22, 2006; Grimey Drawer

Knock Knock.

Whos there?

Java

*really long pause*

Exception in thread "main" java.io.FunnyNotFoundException: jokes.txt (Bad Joke)
at java.io.JokeInputStream.open0(Native Method)
at java.io.JokeInputStream.open(JokeInputStream.java:195)
at java.io.JokeInputStream.<init>(JokeInputStream.java:138)
at java.io.JokeInputStream.<init>(JokeInputStream.java:93)
at java.io.JokeReader.<init>(FileReader.java:58)
at com.funny.Main.main(Main.java:16)
at sun.reflect.NativeMethodAccessorImpl.invoke0(Native Method)
at sun.reflect.NativeMethodAccessorImpl.invoke(NativeMethodAccessorImpl.java:62)
at sun.reflect.DelegatingMethodAccessorImpl.invoke(DelegatingMethodAccessorImpl.java:43)
at java.lang.reflect.Method.invoke(Method.java:497)
at com.intellij.rt.execution.application.AppMain.main(AppMain.java:144)

# ? Jan 28, 2016 05:40

Smythe: Oct 12, 2003

# ? Jan 28, 2016 07:45

Syncopated: Oct 21, 2010

Smythe posted:

well are you a newfag smythe

# ? Jan 28, 2016 11:25

bradzilla: Oct 15, 2004

How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None � It�s a hardware problem

also it never ceases to amuse me when goons in this forum are huge babies about 6 hour probes

# ? Jan 28, 2016 15:38