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mags


deep dish peat moss

On a planet that increasingly resembles one huge Maximum Security prison, the only intelligent choice is to plan a jail break.

no they will not posted:

victim: You sick bastard... they're dead... all dead!! And now it's just me... I'm the last one alive... you son of a bitch, what are you waiting for? Shoot! Do it!
byob poster holding pistol pointed at victim: Y-you too
byob poster lying in bed staring at the ceiling, hours later: god drat it... gently caress

FluffieDuckie

google THIS posted:

1.0 out of 5 stars Does not work
By NiceGuy69 on March 3, 2016
The "Lover Detection Technology" is faulty, because my phone told me the mattress had detected a lover and when I got to the apartment it turned out he was actually a fighter. So now I have a concussion and she told me never to speak to her again and changed her locks. Now I can't even get the mattress back to return it, so not only can I not get my money back but I wasted all that time finding her spare key and sneaking the mattress into her apartment while she was at work. I didn't even get a date out of it.



Yobgoblin

by Jeffrey of YOSPOS

big black turnout posted:

maybe it's a see turtle

cuntman.net


LordVonEarlDuke posted:

im watching this badass slowly murder his way across the entire right hand side of my screen

LordVonEarlDuke posted:



hell yeah. yeah, that's right. youre next, Ted

Afro Doug


bare bottom pancakes

Production: Complete







google THIS posted:



DAMMIT FRANKLIN

google THIS


topic: images in byob slowly rotating

social vegan posted:

well son, you either post or live long enough to see yourself become the qoʎq

google THIS


some of these could stand to have some context added in case their source threads get gassed or archived, just sayin

DOPE FIEND KILLA G


cuntman.net


my new dog posted:

fred, dying of no potato, only knows unmasking. seeking the real culprit behind his hunger, he only finds more soil
wishing he would succeed, his wife daphne has at least solved the mystery of his madness

FluffieDuckie

blaise rascal posted:

Ever wonder how many minutes have passed since you opened a thread? I would like to introduce the Yobclock.




I have a couple other ideas for ways to use the rotation to make static images animated. Sadly, I think scanimation is impossible. (That's this thing https://www.google.com/search?site=...447.xfsd6ReoYgY)

e: maybe fixed it a little



i flunked out

Surfin PooSA


wow

google THIS


FluffieDuckie

no they will not posted:

Here, I will explain it to you:



cuntman.net


Robot Made of Meat posted:

Number of traffic accidents involving cell-phone use in 2013: 1.3 million
Number of traffic accidents involving land-line use in 2013: 0.

cuntman.net


super mario batali posted:

Lock up the DEA for talking about drugs all the time

google THIS


misty mountaintop posted:

The socks are surely meeting in secret, somewhere beyond your knowledge, to plan your destruction. Your response must be in two parts.

1) Infiltration. You must learn of your enemy's plans by either spying or subterfuge.

a) Spying may be of two kinds: scouting, or a double agent.

i) Scouting. Buy a pair of new socks. Cultivate the loyalty of one of the socks by giving it gifts and honors on the one hand, and threatening its partner on the other. Keep the partner close, always on your foot. This will ensure the loyalty of your spy. Drop your spy behind the couch.

ii) Double agent. When a single sock returns mysteriously, you can be sure that it is a spy for the enemy. You may convert this sock to a double agent, but it must be done carefully because the enemy will no doubt be holding its partner hostage, just as you do with your spies. Double agents can be recruited to your side only by passionate belief or greed. Both require that you treat them in excess of their station, placing them in the top drawer with your finest underwear and hand-washing them. In this way you can encourage their avarice and represent your cause as just. It is best to never let on that you know they are a spy. Let them reveal it to you themselves, and accept their confession with mercy and good humor. This is how you gain their trust.

b) Subterfuge. Knit a human-sized sock and crawl into it. Now throw yourself in the dryer. After enough cycles, you will eventually be transported to the socks' secret lair. Make sure to stay hydrated.

2) Defense. The socks must eventually attack or lose their followers to impatience. A good defensive strategy consists of two elements: delay and fortification.

a) Delay. To delay the enemy, reduce the size of his army through restricting his access to recruits and by avoiding a causus belli.

i) Restricting access to recruits. Do not wash your socks. Buy black socks in small numbers and use Febreze as needed. This will keep the socks from fleeing.

ii) Avoiding a causus belli. Walk around barefoot, or wearing flip-flops or sandals, loudly declaiming "I no longer need socks. I see now that it is better to be barefoot than to oppress the sock people." Meanwhile, you are plotting their destruction.

b) Fortification. Build a big gently caress-off castle around your bed. They're just socks. They're not going to get into a castle.

from The Art of Wear by Sock Tzu

HighwireAct


Pozzo's Hat

Android Blues posted:

i put the disabled ogre child on my healthcare plan (all-inclusive tricentennial saver with Wizened Crone Pharmaceuticals and Essence Contouring)

Android Blues posted:

i am neutral evil though so he will still have to sign a copay

Yobgoblin

by Jeffrey of YOSPOS

Splatmaster posted:

Every Yobber Down in Yobville Liked BYOB a lot,
But the Litany of Gulps most certainly Did NOT!
They hated the Yob! With tons of malfeasance!
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be their head wasn't screwed on just right.
It could be, perhaps, that their shoes were too tight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all,
May have been that their heart was two sizes too small.
Whatever the reason, their heart or their shoes,
The Gulp loitered at the Yob, seeing who's who,
Staring down from their cave with a sour troll frown,
At the warm well-meaning posts they'd written down.
For the troll knew that the Yobbers were nice ,
The Gulp had a heart that was cold as ice.
"And they're complimenting each other" the troll snarled with a sneer,
"I must give these Yobbers something to fear!"
The Gulp read through the threads and ransacked posts
And soiled the writings of the Gulp's good-natured hosts!
Then they growled with troll fingers drumming,
"I must find a way to stop more Yobbers from coming!"
So they posted a post filled with hatred and fear,
"There's no way after that new Yobbers will appear!"
The Gulp stared down at Yobville, the troll popped his eyes
Then they shook, what they saw was a shocking surprise!
Every Yobber in Yobville, big sig files and small
Was still posting new threads without any care at all!
And the troll who stood with their feet in the cold
Looked upon the forum and said "how could it be so?"
Maybe good posts can't be bought in a store
And a Gulp like you can't give us the what for!
So the new posts continued, and lurkers still came
Seeking out their fortune and looking for fame
If you listen closely you can hear the sobs
Of an unwanted poster shunned by the Yob!

cuntman.net


Scathach posted:

This man is sleeping where I park my butt to use the computer gosh darn it. I even brought him a bag of chips and he still won't get up.



Also just tried this plant extract and hoo boy was it bitter. My night is off to a weird start.

Piso Mojado


Piso Mojado


Finn Pennywhistle posted:

the police put up wanted posters but all they get are calls asking if they meant to put up pics of a shirtless axe guy

Piso Mojado


Android Blues posted:

my parent: i think ill order the...tah-koss?

me (): mum please. it's tHA-kos, like "kHAl drogo"


FluffieDuckie

posting smiling posted:


if you want to turn this into a fight with me, then just know that there is giong to be 2 hits: thats you hitting my buttons, and me hitting log off, to go find a forum without trolls.


posting smiling posted:


yeah, punk: you hitting me where it hurts, and me hitting "i'm feeling lucky" on the google search for how to stand up to cyber bullying



i flunked out

Surfin PooSA

those are really good

HighwireAct


Pozzo's Hat

FutonForensic posted:

you can also say, "i'm glad you like bethesda games, because i too am fundamentally broken"

misty mountaintop

a good and cool byob poster
who makes funny and nice threads.

FutonForensic posted:

I'm so excited to see Tiesto!! I paid a lot of money to fly out to Ibiza but it's gonna be so worth it to hear those pumping jams


Tiesto: hey guys.... not really feeling it tonight.... just thought i'd put on my favorite Mazzy Star album.... feel free to grab some wine coolers & chill. i'll be throwing in some record scratches during the songs, just to keep things fresh


♪ Faaaaaade into you ♫ *wikka wikka* ♪ Straaaange you ne-- *airhorn*

Piso Mojado


google THIS posted:

if you're wanted dead or alive just hide in Schrödinger's box

deep dish peat moss

On a planet that increasingly resembles one huge Maximum Security prison, the only intelligent choice is to plan a jail break.


lol

google THIS


misty mountaintop posted:

Moses: Okay people, listen up. God had a couple of things to say to me.

1. Thou shalt not have any snacks before bedtime.
2. Thou shalt not make unto thee any cross-promotional branding opportunities.
3. Thou shalt not Do the Dew.
4. Remember the Food Pyramid, to keep it holy.
5. Stay hydrated.
6. Thou shalt not cover thy hands with orange dust.
7. Chester is a weird dude. I don't know what it is, but he seems like a pedophile.
8. Thou shalt not tell your kids that "Velveeta is practically the same thing."
9. They started covering Doritos with that poo poo to hide the fact that they go stale in about 15 seconds.
10. Thou shalt not try to discover the location of the Cool Ranch.

eonwe


google THIS posted:

if you're wanted dead or alive just hide in Schrödinger's box

----------------
This thread brought to you by a tremendous dickhead!

misty mountaintop

a good and cool byob poster
who makes funny and nice threads.

problematic hug


misty mountaintop posted:

Day 8: Woke up from a nightmare. In my dream, I died.

But that was the good part.

I felt myself ascend from my body, infused with a trembling lightness, like the air after a thunderstorm has moved on and the pressure lifts. I was headed up, not down, so I knew I had been a good girl. I kept the CheeseFaith.

Up I went, through wreaths of cloud until I reached the angels.

They were milling about, standing in groups, sitting with their heads in their hands, checking their phones. States of paralysis and despair. Some of them clutched objects close to their bodies, like holy relics.

I knew what those objects were. I didn't want to know what those objects were.

Still I floated, pulled by a helium string, past the angels, straight to the podium of St. Peter.

But it wasn't St. Peter. It was a hostess. Behind her I could see the familiar faux-Arabian interior I know so well.

She told me it would only be 45 minutes.

Dear Diary, the angels were clutching buzzers.

deep dish peat moss

On a planet that increasingly resembles one huge Maximum Security prison, the only intelligent choice is to plan a jail break.

misty mountaintop posted:

i flunked out" post="457928751 posted:

techno cop: you have the right to remain peaceful. anyhting you do or say will be loved unconditionally. you have the right to unity, if you do not have unity, it will be assigned to you via this kandy. do you understand these rights and the respect im giving you?

lol how did I miss this three months ago

Uxzuigal

Chill Berserker Dude

alnilam posted:

And the mod's in the cradle and the purple spoon
Little hammock cat and the rznv tune
When you coming home dad, i don't know when
But we'll get together then

<3 <3 Vanisher

bare bottom pancakes

Production: Complete







Macnult posted:

dealer: you should call more
me: you told me you were going to call me back in 10 minutes though?
dealer: I know I know, but it would nice if you tried to keep in touch more often

misty mountaintop

a good and cool byob poster
who makes funny and nice threads.

Piso Mojado posted:

[exitedly yelling into phone] "Tim. Tim Allen? It's your cousin Marvin. You know those new man jokes you're looking for? Well, listen to these!
[holds the receiver against thread]

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Golden Gate Bride
knife to meet you

google THIS posted:

crossposting from the kid rock thread

🐏➕🐏❗️👹⛏⛏⛏💬💃💬⬆️🕴💃

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