FutonForensic posted:

jeff helps roger troll Tinder for granny puss to slay. jeff knows how to pick the juiciest raisins. good job, jeff

google THIS posted:

no they will not posted:

Android Blues posted:

When the bad sex guy has sex, a wolf howls and an eagle feels desolate. When the good sex guy has sex, a cactus blooms in the desert. A sand vermine scurries from its hole and lets the sand wash over its coat, cleaning it of grit - when the good sex guy has sex.

FactsAreUseless posted:

Blaxploitation hero Sexual Jones, a character appearing in more than 35 different films from 1973-1986,^[1] is often described in the films as a "bad sex guy."^[2] However, the audience is then informed that the characters in the film "can dig it."^[3] In this way, Jones can be defined as both a "good sex guy" and a "bad sex guy," a dichotomy that Dr. Cornel West calls "the paradox of black sexuality in white society."^[4]

vanisher posted:

Flanisher is indeed the super hero alter ego of mild mannered BYOB poster vanisher

vanisher posted:

Putty posted:

donte mind if i do

Putty posted:

Putty posted:

alnilam posted:

FutonForensic posted:

twoday posted:

cda posted:

gently caress My rear end posted:

bringing back some epic win from GBS

Entropic posted:

Had a customer come in to pick up his computer this morning, and he calls back an hour later, get this, complaining about the bees!
I tell him, it's a Windows 7 machine man, you're gonna have a few bees in there.
He gets all mad and says there weren't bees when he brought it in.
Well no poo poo sherlock, what do you think we do here?

City of Glompton posted:

hush little baby don't say a word
here is your tablet, play angry birds

if those angry birds won't fly
mama's gonna buy you a raspberry pi

if that raspberry pi won't run
mama's gonna buy you a cool nerf gun

if those nerf gun darts get lost
mama's gonna buy you a shirt from lacoste

if that shirt from lacoste gets weird looks
you'll still be the sweetest little baby on facebook

alnilam posted:

HaveARottenDay posted:

Humpty Dumpty sat on a plane
Humpty Dumpty forcibly removed using pain
All the CEOs blame on him for the beef
Couldn't replace any of poor Humpty's teeth.

vanisher posted:

FutonForensic posted:

50 years ago: hey neighbor, can i borrow a cup of sugar? god bless

today: hey there neighbor, give me some sugar, sexually. we're an amoral generation. it's like we live on a cum-de-sac, am i right. i will see you tonight at the secret rally, where we will take turns dumping cups of sugar on the national flag, and pictures of our forefathers

joke_explainer posted:

A long long time ago
I can still remember how
That bass drop use to make me scream
And I knew if I had a synth
In the limelight on a plinth
I'd break into the EDM mainstream

But this April, made me shiver
With every vape set I'd deliver
Left out wubs in dubstep
I couldn't glitch one more step

I can't remember if I cried
When I read about his widowed Akai
Something mutes me deep inside
The day the dubstep died.
So...

Bye, bye world of reverb and chime,
Drove my hyundai to Grigori just to say my goodbyes
And them rave scene boys were rolling MDM- why,
Dancing like they weren't gonna break down and cry,
But you know they had to be about to cry.

Did you write the book of dubs
And do you trust Daft Punk above
If Pitchfork tells you so?
Do you believe in rhythmic thrums?
Can earplugs save your wounded drums?
And can you teach me how to program the Saffire PRO?

Well, I know that you're in love with scrim
'Cause I saw that light show in the gym
You got sync skill frame by frame,
Man, I dig those LED games

I was a lonely teenage shy shut-in
With a pirated copy of Ableton,
But I knew I would push no button,
The day the dubstep died
I started autotunin'

Bye, bye world of reverb and chime,
Drove my hyundai to Grigori just to say my goodbyes
And them rave scene boys were rolling MDM- why,
Dancing like they wouldn't break down and cry,
But you know they had to be about to cry.

alnilam posted:

Putty posted:

420 is the sex position where one guy blows himself standing up, the second guy gets on his knees and prays, and the third guy does cartwheels forever

google THIS posted:

Yo
His palms are sweaty
Knees weak, fingers heavy
He's got funny stock photos already
Images from Getty
He's nervous but on the surface he looks calm and ready
To post bombs
But he keeps on forgetting
What he thought out
The CPU fan roars so loud
He presses a key but the jokes won't come out
He's chokin' now
Holding a keystroke and now
Just a line of t's, gently caress it, just post it! POW!

google THIS posted:

Disciples: Why are you wearing those sunglasses, Jesus? It's dark out.

Jesus: Because I am the light.

Disciples:

Macnult posted:

*pushing up taped glasses*
"cunnilinguth"

JackBadass posted:

I'm a grower, not a shower.

posting smiling posted:

some of the worst times to yell out gently caress would be

-you stubbed your toe, but your baby is sleeping

-you hit your thumb with a hammer, but your toddler is taking a nap

-you fell down the stairs but your child is trying to get a night's sleep before the first day of kindergarten

-you got your hand stuck in the garbage disposal but your teenager fell asleep at the kitchen table studying for the SATs

-you are t-boned by a drunk driver at an intersection while your kid who you just picked up from the airport after a year studying abroad in europe is passed out in the back seat

-you fall off the balcony of your hotel room after having a little too much to drink at your only child's wedding and they are asleep with their new spouse in the room below as you fall past

-you are hit by a massive cardiac incident while lying in your hospital bed and your loving attentive child, who has been by your side day and night ever since the terminal diagnosis is slumped over in the chair next to you trying to get a few hours of shuteye

Splatmaster posted:

While everyone else is wondering who did it where and with what a lone man stands transfixed in front of a large, well-rendered painting on the wall before him. The painting, a seemingly Rebus-style puzzle, was a pair of large cutting knives. Below them, painted in perfect detail, was a ham side by side with what appeared to be a roast beef. Below it all, in stark immistakeble detail, was a female sheep in all her glory. He could be seen mouthing something...

"Let's see, knife, knife- no, not's not right. And we also have a ham, and a roast. That's strange! And a sheep. Hmmm..." he mused aloud. "Knife, knife- KNIVES! and meats, two meats... and a ewe. KNIFE TWO MEATS AND A EWE!

A voice whispers, "close enough!" Suddenly, the lights dim and go out. When they come back on, someone lay dead in a pool of blood... The lights go out again, and the body is now missing, a blood stain on the carpet the only reminder it was ever even there.

google THIS posted:

posting smiling posted:

https://soundcloud.com/classicist/why

yeah actually they will posted:

The Breakfast Sampler posted:

I can smell my own blood again. See the sign. "Must turn right?" I chop the turn signal hard, down- left. Correct. Snaps off. Finally. "Turn right? Must?"

I turn wrong. On a permanent left.

cda posted:

What's the deal with airline food? It's this stuff made out of animals and grains and water and then you put it in your mouth hole and mush it around and an involuntary reflex carries it down a slimy tube into a pouch of acid inside you where it's broken down and while it's doing all this your life is still so cosmically insignificant that it should be possible to live serenely, soaring high above your troubles on the recognition of their, and your own, total inconsequence, and yet somehow you can't lose interest in yourself no matter how relieving it would be to do so in the face of your impending death which you can neither escape nor control nor entirely forget

alnilam posted:

Matt Furie: "after the neo nazis took you, my son, the only thing left to do was... to kill you! it wasn't easy, you must understand that..."

Pepe: "you fool, this isn't even my final form! but enough, have at thee"



STEVE HARVEY
Hp: 999
Mp: 99

Hugh Malone posted:

e: gif by joke_explainer

joke_explainer posted:

the upside down Harvey image by CDA and LP0 On Fire too

FutonForensic posted:

Twenty Four posted:

Get past a duck blockade? *Bends down, making the motion* "You duck"

Palpek posted:

joke_explainer posted:

huge barbarian shoves the weakling lich over "whats the matter you big baby, going to cast a spell or something? liches get stitches haha" *stab*

Baller Ina posted:

Is this the real slice
or is this just ham 'n cheese
caught in a spam tide, no escape from the pork n beans

Open your eyes
Look up to the sties and squeeeeeeeeeeeeee(al)

Eugene V. Dabs posted:

i'm just a pork boy,
i need no turkey

because i'm black forest ham, toasted roll
little lettuce, no mayo

any way the grill goes, doesn't really matter
to me
pa ni ni

Baller Ina posted:

Mama, just grilled a lamb
Put some charcoal 'neath its stead,
Cut it tender, now I'm fed

Mama, that meal sure was fun
But now I've got to throw the rest away

MAMA, OOH OOH
Didn't mean to make it dry
If I'm not back again to cook tomorrow
Carryout, carryout
As if no meat ever plattered

Eugene V. Dabs posted:

Too late, the timer's done
Sent lardo down my spine,
Porkbutt roastin all the time
Good buys, everybody--it's a meat sale
Gotta leave you all behind and stand in line

MAMAAAAAA, OOOOOOOOH
(Don't throw away the pig bones)
I DON'T WANNA FRY
I SOMETIMES WISH I'D NEVER BOUGHT CHOPS AT ALL

Eugene V. Dabs posted:

I see a little silhouette-o of a pig
Pork-n-beans, pork-n-beans
Can you make a menudo???
Boston butts and tripe-ing,
Very very frightening meat!

Baller Ina posted:

Pigs smell bad! No, we will fry in tallow! (It's too slow!)
Pigs smell bad! No, we will fry in tallow! (It's too slow!)
Pigs smell bad! No, we will fry in tallow! (It's too slow!)
Will fry in tallow! (It's too slow!)
Crispy golden glow
Let it simmer low
No, no, no, no, no, no, no

Baller Ina posted:

Oh mama meat-a, mama meat-a (mama meat-a eat pork sho(ulder))
Big Bob's Dry Rub has a deviled ham en route to me, to me, to me

So you think you can grill meat and I won't think you lie? (Yeah!)
So you think chewy bacon is better than fried?
Oh, gravy, its white sausage gravy
Just gotta cookout, just gotta get grilling this year

Splatmaster posted: