DraconicImpulse posted:

The Trump
what you will need:

- tequilla
- lime juice
- triple sec
- sea salt
- a lime
- ice
- cocktail shaker

Cut the lime up a bit and use it to wet the rim of the glass. Put the rim of the glass in the salt so that the glass is salted. Fill a cocktail shaker about 2/3 of the way up with the ice. Pour in a shot or two of the tequilla into the shaker. Add 1 shot of the triple sec. Squeeze the lime into the shaker. Shake the hell out of the thing. Pour the mixture into the glass.

Now build a wall between you and the margarita and make the bar pay for it.

FutonForensic posted:

"i'm a robber! gimme all your valuables!"

*i give him a printout of emptyquoted posts*

google THIS posted:

*reporter sees a stream running down the mountainside*

excuse me, sir, may I have a moment?

*water picks up its pace, reporter jogs alongside the stream holding out their microphone*

I have some questions for you, water. is the Loch Ness monster real?

*stream joins a river, tries to get lost in the crowd*

scientists are saying that we know more about outer space than the depths of our own oceans

*river quickens, reporter has to yell over a roaring sound*

WHY ALL THE SECRECY? WHAT ARE YOU HIDING?

*water disappears over a giant waterfall*

THE PEOPLE HAVE A RIGHT TO KNOW! WE'RE 65% YOU!

misty mountaintop posted:

Perhaps this will help

Manifisto posted:

yeah, terrifying

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=63YyRt4U3i8

City of Glompton posted:

it would be if a few more people would vote. don't forget to vote everyone, make your voice heard!

Glass Bottom Boat posted:

dad was a gamer himself back in the day ,and remembers a time when you had to pick servers manually from a big list. back then, there was no twitch, no youtube, no glitz, no glamor. just rowdy boys in it for the frags, the lulz, and the love of the game. they said he was good enough to go CPL, and he almost did. but in the final qualifying round, he slipped while going long A and got carpal tunnel. let his whole team down. had to hang up the keyboard forever. now dad pushes his boy to become the man he never was.

vanisher posted:

(byob when someone takes offense to something even slightly)

http://i.imgur.com/XzeAgqQ.gifv

City of Glompton posted:

Five Things to Consider Before Getting a Keurig:

1. Be prepared to pony up for your new coffee pal. The price for K-cup coffee is about $50/lb, and that doesn't even factor in extras like cream and sugar. Will you be able to afford your new appliance's daily needs if only top-tier pods agree with its delicate innards?

2. Think outside the box. Do you have the space for a Keurig once you bring it home? If your kitchen is on the small side, consider a 'teacup Keurig', as it is cruel to confine a standard-sized machine to cramped sideboard.

3. One coffee break is not enough. Are you able to give your Keurig the attention it deserves? Sure, you've enjoyed the office Keurig, but it's getting plenty of attention, which ensures it is socialized and well-adjusted. If you only have time to see your Keurig in the morning and neglect it the rest of the day, it can develop behavioral issues, such as leaking water, or worse, leaving grounds in your coffee.

4. Bean there, done that? Have you ever owned a small appliance before? Have you kept it in use until planned obsolescence got the better of it? Or is it relegated to the hard-to-reach cabinet above the fridge (or even worse--donated to Goodwill with its accessories left in the utensil drawer)? The toaster oven from your childhood doesn't count, but if you've had a George Forman grill, a Bullet blender, or a similar trendy gadget since you've been an adult, it's important to consider about how that turned out. You wouldn't want to bring home a cute, shiny Keurig if you'll only be putting it on Craigslist with a poor excuse and a ridiculous 'rehoming fee' in a few months.

5. Don't worry, drink coffee. If these questions have helped you realize that being a small appliance owner is not for you, fear not. There are plenty of coffee memes out there you can enjoy without the responsibility of cleaning reservoirs and storing an ever-growing collection of coffee mugs.

no they will not posted:

cda posted:

lmao

FutonForensic posted:

FutonForensic posted:

GODSPEED JOHN GLENN posted:

May god have mercy on my soul.

google THIS posted:

Manifisto posted:

from the thread "ford recalls two million pickups"

Fredrik1 posted:

joke_explainer posted:

yeah I mean you could just publish that as a lil' mega popular children's book, maybe add a few more tweaks or little stories like the laundry one

madmatt112 posted:

Manifisto posted:

google THIS posted:

google THIS posted:

cda posted:

lmao

alnilam posted:

Thread title: would Aristotle beat off to hentai

FutonForensic posted:

anyone ever lie awake at night wondering if BYOB will be gone in the morning, and also that a blue whale's penis is heavy enough to crush a person to death? is that weird, to be anxious over the loss offer an extremely niche message board, and to think about a blue whale's penis pressing down on me, ensconcing me in an all-consuming embrace, until it overwhelms me as the last thing i ever experience? maybe im alone on this

SardonicTyrant posted:

I mean if you want to simulate a blue whale's penis crushing you to death you can get a few weighted blankets.

vanisher posted:

cda posted:

i like this post because it took me until the very last word for it to dawn on me what was happening

DOPE FIEND KILLA G posted:

holy loving poo poo that's good

Twenty Four posted:

Quality response to "what is this place?" asked by someone who stumbled upon byob

Manifisto posted:

new hover text

bog pixie posted:

"I love to eat this, perhaps on the crackers I keep under my desk" - TSA agent, opening a package to find a thick black paste

Terry Harri posted:

Hello B.Y.O.B.,

My name is Terry Harrison and I am a simple man and a longtime "lurker" of the B.Y.O.B. subforum on Something Awful.

When I think of why I love the B.Y.O.B. subforum, I think of friendship, good will, and a willingness to help your fellow "poster".
It is for these reasons that I reach out to you all today, as Terry Harrison, long time "lurker" and regular in the B.Y.O.B. community.

When I see your smiling posting faces, I think, "hey, here are a group of good, smart people, who might just love my website!"

You might be wondering, "what website?" Thank you for asking--it's my website! For I am more than just a loyal and longtime "lurker" on the B.Y.O.B. subforum. I am also a world renowned expert on the Nuthatch, planet Earth's most mysterious, but best, bird (if you are curious, the Earth's worst bird is the nuthatch's permanent enemy, the Chickadee). I have funneled my universe of knowledge into a single digital location on the World Wide Web, the Nuthatch as presented by Terry Harrison.

If you have a minute, please take the time to check out my digital resource for such an amazing creature. And feel safe in the knowledge that this doesn't have anything to do with my horrible analytics nor any desperate plea to co-opt a community in a last ditch bid to afford hosting fees.

Oh, and please remember to sign the guestbook!



https://thenuthatch.neocities.org/

nut posted:

it is a crime to not include the op to that thread here (I’m on my phone so pretend this post is an homage to the proper quote I will give it in the future)

wimsy posted:

Attn: The Ghost Who Sucks My Dick has Returned
To: Everyone@GiegerFitzwilliam.com

Dear Colleagues,

As many of you know, several years ago I was haunted by a ghost that sucks my dick at work. At that time, this was a new experience not only for me, but for all of us at Geiger Fitzwilliam Associates, and caused considerable disruption. Finally, in consultation with experts, we were able to identify the problem and put together an unprecedented plan of action. An exorcism was performed in July of 2017, and when no signs of paranormal activity had surfaced by the beginning of the following year, I was deemed to be ghost-free, and life here at GFA returned to normal. I am forever grateful to the support of the entire GFA team during that time.

Today, it is my duty to inform you that the ghost who sucks my dick has returned. Two weeks ago I began to experience a strange spiritual sensation in my private regions. I immediately informed Rhonda in HR, who looped in Richard and the rest of the management staff. They decided that we would keep an eye on the situation to see what developed. It was hoped that these otherworldly tingles would subside.

As the incident of this Tuesday demonstrates, these hopes were sadly unfounded. The ghost who sucks my dick is back full force. For the last three days, the ghost has sucked my dick between one and four times daily. It shows no indications of being satiated. We must assume that these spectral blowjobs will continue into the indefinite future.

Typically, Human Resources would send a letter to need-to-know parties, but they have graciously allowed me to write this letter because my being the recipient of oral sex from a ghost is something that affects us all, and because it allows me to destigmatize my condition while gaining a measure of control over the otherwise apparently arbitrary occurrences of supernatural fellatio which befall me.

I am relieved that so many of you were here the first time I dealt with this issue, but in the interests of refreshing your memory, and particularly to educate new employees at GFA who are undoubtedly experiencing this for the first time, please read through the following FAQ.

Q: Who is the ghost?
A: This particular paranormal entity has never manifested in a recognizable human form. Research into the history of the building provides no information about any individuals who may have died in it.

Q: So you don’t even know if the ghost is male or female?
A: No. I assure you that, at first, this was even more confusing for me than it is for you, but I’m cool with it now.

Q: Why does the ghost suck your dick?
A: The best guess is that the ghost died in the middle of sucking dick and is now doomed to wander this space, sucking dick to completion.

Q: Why you?
A: We just don’t know. Perhaps I have some similarity to a person in the ghost’s life, or perhaps it is just random.

Q: Does it happen at home too?
A: No, it only happens at work. This is why we feel fairly sure that the ghost is the spirit of a person who died on this land, perhaps even the ghost of an indigenous person who died before this land was developed.

Q: What are some signs that the ghost is sucking your dick?
A: The earliest indications that the ghost is sucking my dick are usually flickering lights. If you see the lights flicker, you are advised to begin saving any documents you are working on, and to consider wrapping up or rescheduling any important phone calls which may be in progress. Electrical interference tends to build as the ghost moves from licking my balls and shaft to sucking my dick in earnest. The surge protectors you have been provided will keep your electronics from harm (if you’re using them!), but there will likely be service interruptions as I get closer to orgasm. You may also hear two different kinds of unearthly moaning: an “open-mouth” moaning, which is probably me, and a “closed-mouth” moaning, which is the ghost (obviously).

In the final stages of the blowjob, cum will drip down the walls. Do not be alarmed. At the moment the ghost is satiated, everything will return to normal and the cum will disappear. Any cum you see after this time is my cum: please be patient, use one of the orange safety cones provided to mark the location, and know that I will be along to clean up as soon as I have recovered from my ordeal.

In the past, the photocopier would start producing some really weird stuff, but Jeremiah from Facilities knows to unplug it when the ghost starts sucking my dick. If he happens to be absent, just be aware that it gets freaky. If you know rule 34 you know what I’m talking about.

Q: Will I see the ghost? What does it look like?
A: In some cases you may see a pale globe of light bobbing up and down on my penis. In most cases, you will not see the ghost at all but its presence should be obvious from context clues.

Q: What should I do if the ghost is sucking your dick?
A: Aside from the precautions noted above, the best things you can do are.
If you are close by:

1. Clear the area of objects so I don’t hurt myself.
   
2. Observe from a safe distance.
   
3. If you do not feel comfortable observing, call for someone who does.
   

If you are in the office but not close by:

1. Aside from saving your files as noted above, go about your business as usual.
   
2. If the psychic manifestations become too distracting, this is a good time to take a short walk or get a snack from the vending machine.
   

Q: How long will the ghost be sucking your dick?
A: I assure you that I am making every effort to blow my load as quickly as possible. Depending on a number of factors it could be anywhere from 3-15 minutes.

Q: Should I, you know, “help” you? We’re all trying to get work done here.
A: Thank you for the offer but the ghost is intensely jealous. Again, please know I am doing my best to satisfy the ghost’s thirst for my man-juice so that we can all get back to work ASAP.

I hope this FAQ is helpful. Please feel free to contact me with any questions you may have!

That said, while curiosity about this is absolutely normal, questions about my penis are not appropriate, and conjectures about the basis of the ghost’s obsession with sucking my dick, while sometimes nominally flattering, are hurtful and demeaning. The fact that a ghost constantly sucks my dick does not make my body an open topic of conversation.

In addition, statements such as “boy, I wish a ghost would suck my dick,” or “who do I have to kill to get my dick sucked around here” may be offered in the spirit of levity and to make me feel better. They do not make me feel better. Imagine what it’s like to have to go home and tell your loving wife “not tonight honey, the poltergeist was sucking me dry all day.”

Finally, a few “housekeeping” notes.

We have all been interested to learn who would be the new occupant of Cheryl Kingsley’s old office when she retired. Tanya and Simon have decided that since it has a door, I will be moving from my cubicle to this office effective immediately. I understand that this disrupts our seniority system, but I am sure you can see why this would be necessary. This move is only temporary, until the ghost stops sucking my dick all the time. At that point, I will move back to a cubicle and we will again take up the issue of a full-time occupancy for that office (after it has been disinfected, of course).

I also want to thank Omar in IT for unblocking Pornhub on our network. As I understand it, the structure of our permissions system does not make it possible to allow access to websites for individual users, only for usergroups, so this will have the effect of making Pornhub unblocked for all GFA employees. Rhonda would like me to remind everyone that just because this site is unblocked does not mean that it is ok to access it, unless, like me, you have a documented condition which requires it.

The return of the ghost that sucks my dick has been a serious blow for me, but I am buoyed by my memory of how we all came together those years ago. So many people lent a helping hand and I think Geiger Fitzwilliam Associates emerged from the situation stronger and more determined than ever to provide high-quality home refinancing underwriting to clients around the country. I feel confident that with some flexibility and proactive problem-solving, the same will be true as we once again confront (and eventually beat) the ghost that sucks my dick.

Thanks!
Paul

google THIS posted:

Khanstant posted:

So I've been watching Family Matters starting at Season 8 and the weirdest thing about this show is how they treat Myra. She's meant to be as annoying as Urkel and characters treat her as an insufferable nuisance. The problem is she's more conventionally charming and attractive than she is any kind of Urkel-esque nightmare, except for when she is directly interacting with him, and that's twofold not really a problem (in terms of relative nuisance towards characters viewing Urkel and Myra as nuisances) -- one, they are an incredibly well-matched couple, complimentary but with a good amount of overlap in interests, it's less annoying and more just good companionship, if they were two people who were your friends and who you often had over at your home, you'd probably think it was cute or at the very least be happy for them and grumble about whatever degree of PDA you don't care to see in any coupling. Two - if they're being urkelnoying together, then others are not being actively harangued as much as if Urkel's or Myra's attention was solely on them. She's somewhere on the line between quirky and pixie dreamgirl but she's treated as only a minor step-down in nuisance compared to Urkel or Myrtle (played by Urkel) who is a bit closer to Urkel's annoyingness simply via being the same actor. Myra wearing a slightly robinhood outfit after having been in archery class is hardly the outrageously insufferable act the show makes it out to be. I've kind of spoiled the series finale for myself reading some "where are they know" clickbait's or whatever and I know the series ends with Urkel getting engaged to the Laura character, with the intention that the next non-existent season would've had their marriage. I'm still in Season 8 where Laura and Stefan (Urkel's transformed clone that is suave instead of nasally and not as smart) are in a relationship, which also seems pretty healthy insofar as 90s sitcom relationships go. Without knowing what contrivance they break-up, they too are well-matched and functional together for me to make sense of it, don't get me wrong, Urkel does not treat Myra very well and does not deserve to be with her, but in the blameless way the show will gloss over much of his behaviour in this regard, it's a very sensible and happy relationship for them outside of the kind of forced laura-thing they insist on adding in. It's actually pretty jarring when Urkel blatantly hits on Laura. I vaguely remember him always having a crush on her (isn't reality the opposite of this? i seem to recall a study showing attraction to neighbor kids was reduces in line with the same principle that ensures siblings are not attracted to one another, something to do about the closeness and early exposure, i mean, abstractly evolutionarily makes sense to me at least: keep genetic diversity by not mating with relatives, relatives are other animals that are usually around and closer to you than other animals, so dont be attracted to the ones close when you're young) and it's an ongoing thing in these late seasons despite them both being in secure relationships and also all friends with each other to the point Urkel is being a shithead to at least three people anytime he hits on Laura. I wouldn't make a pass at my brothers' wives, and I'd be much more closely related to my slightly-altered fully adult clone that I personally created -- surely my obligation to this clone are deeper and closer than that of even a parent to-child, sibling-to-sibling, home-to-homie. Sadly Urkel pays Stefan barely any mind, they rarely speak or interact, even when Urkel once again is having a major impact on his life. Urkel created Stefan and when Urkel's buffoonery transports the family to France, he introduces a big obstacle for Stefan and Laura's relationship (which they overcome and grow as a couple while demonstrating values important to both of them) but gently caress if Urkel cares or even acknowledges it. Heck Urkel only really gets around to informing Myra of the whole france and teleporter thing by accident when she's looking for him, not knowing where or what he is doing. Not looking forward to how they hamfist this coupling in the end, and I think Urkel could be forgiven for a lot, but I don't think I'd be okay with that kind of intrapersonal behaviors in my house, had I a house and family who allowed me to say things like that, but then I'd apologize for acting so patriarchal and explain that "Urkel's previous behaviour while in a relationship with a family friend is an indicator he would be a poor partner for you -- and I would also caution your feelings towards Urkel in this time, with your break-up with Stefan being so recent. Despite their similarities and circumstance of existence, they are still fundamentally unique individuals and I just want to make sure you're not "rebounding" with Urkel simply because he reminds you of Stefan in some ways. That said, I also want you to understand that I will love, respect, try to understand, and support you unconditionally, regardless of who you choose to be with or not. I would like to claim I offer this unconditional support because of our genetic relation, under which some obtuse perspectives on the 'meaning' of life would mean my own life is literally here only to ensure the well-being and survival of my offspring, so that they may also do so for their own offspring some day, thus fulfilling our role as organisms in the replication and recombination of DNA. Look, I know y'all hate when I try to anthropomorphize pop-science concepts I misunderstand to rationalize or explain away my behaviour and I beyond just acknowledging how insufferable it is to hear, and how hypocritical it is of me to speak this way when I so often criticize Urkel for similar psuedointellectual ramblings, especially suspecting he may be non-neutrotypical in some way on top of being a literal super-genius on a mad scientist level -- and I apologize for the ableism in the same breathe as discussing mental health I didn't mean or I'm just as a cultural reference point for the frankly sci-fi degree, right, sci-fi, I should've said that, i apologize again, but the sci-fi tier of Urkel's power... not just the inventions, but the resources, -- the logistics, Laura! I see him so often I don't understand when or how or where he's making any of this, yeah, maybe I feel a little jealous, inadequate, maybe that's why I try to convince myself reading wikipedia is a substitute for learning, for reading, if I jam enough of that in a sentence I can make a cloud for myself, make a framework to drown out the noise of what I won't think-- Laura, what I'm trying to say is -- all of that is a shield, a coping mechanism, and why I wanted to reiterate my unconditional love is because of the thing we never talk about. It's time I acknowledge how I failed to offer this support to Judy, your mother and I both let Judy down. We weren't there for her when we needed to be, she went up the stairs and... we just let her, she never came back down. We never looked until it was too late, she already ceased to exist. You were right, by the way, I pretended I was too drunk to remember, but I heard you, and you were right. We adopted 3J and Richie because of the guilt we felt about Judy, we just weren't ready to acknowledge it. Maybe we still aren't but the time to start is now. I will never let you go like we did to Judy, and the same goes for 3J and Richie. I have no right to lecture you on relationships and I have learning and healing to do, and I hope we can all move towards that as a family, but I respect if you need space or don't want that pressure, I don't want this to just be for the benefit of my own bruised psyche, I seek genuine repentance and desire to do better, and I know I can never be forgiven for letting my own child disappear and then never mention it until the weight of it has caused fractures to crack open into canyons. This degree of emotional labour I'm asking of all of us is unfair too, I didn't plan to unload like this but this is a 90s sitcom Laura, Frasier didn't start airing until a few seasons into our lives, and it's hardly a sensible or fair depiction of psychology or anything or anyone for that matter. Had I therapist they might tell me this self-indulgent solipsist rationalization was a different face of the same coping mechanisms, I'm running from what I won't say what I am going to say what I can't not say now I'm a cop, Laura. I know nobody disappears unless we disappears, oh my god, Judy is gone Laura, she didn't disappear, nobody disappears oh my god why cant i remember oh my god" But more generally speaking, Urkel's greatest crimes are simply those of invention and not utilizing them for Good, in the same way Christ is kind of a rotten bastard when you consider the exponential relationship between degree of power and responsibility (plus given his superpowers he was fully aware of the violence in death soon to be brought in his name, those hurt by malform interpretation and enforcement of his supposed intended message of "good news" as well as lacking the cognitive ability to have easily found exactly the way to have organized his future religion such that it would've maximized utility and Goodness in the world instead). Transformative cloning machine, time machine, teleporter pad -- it's not hard to see infinite uses and opportunities to do good in the world, without having to really sacrifice anything whatsoever for yourself. Carl probably should be the figure guiding Urkel when he invents these things, but he's pretty numb to it all, on top of being a cop, so his training and instincts are not geared towards selflessness or altruism in any way. The latter two are just the extreme accomplishments or science Urkel made in one season, for all I know in prior seasons he found a way to revive the recently dead, or cured cancer, but then only used it for one episode's worth of hijinks, never applying it in an important way, or even just sharing the technology or knowledge with the world. However everyone gives Jesus a pass for not doing enough while he was there, so maybe my standards are too high with regard to the responsibility of the super-powered. In any case, even ignoring Urkel's mistreatment of everyone at times, aside from whatever degree of failure to apply his gifts for Good you hold against him, regardless of just the way he seems to constantly engage in behavior that very often brings discord to the family unit -- he quite often just steals from them, Carl especially. Urkel intentionally uses his seemingly buffoonish demeanor to his advantage, for example, on a "normal" trip to annoy Carl about this or that, Urkel misdirects Carl's attention, manipulating him based on his knowledge and experience meddling with Carl, while, with the nimble and deft hand of a magician or pickpocket, uses some blueprints he is holding to literally steal pancakes off of Carl's plate! Sometimes I wonder why this family puts up with this guy!

ChubbyChecker posted: