cda posted:

To Whom It May Concern,

I am happy to write a letter of recommendation for Vanisher. Having supervised him for six years now, I believe he would make an excellent Assistant Deputy Department Head. He has consistently been among my highest performing supervisees, he has taken the initiative to design and implement many process improvements, and he has pleasured me for hours with the focus and intensity of a truffle hog searching after a European white truffle.

Unlike many of my supervisees, who are transferred to my department under regular procedures, Vanisher was transferred to my department because I explicitly asked to work with him after seeing the work that he did on the Kleinberg Portfolio. Having had the opportunity to observe the energy and intelligence he brought to that project, I knew that he would be a valuable addition to my department in addition to being able to lick me up and down like a pussy lollipop with a sweet gooey center.

I soon discovered that in addition to his high level of general performance, Vanisher was committed to innovation and continuous improvement. After observing inefficiencies in our document-management system, Vanisher developed a new flow chart in Visio, which involved both a normal process and contingency planning for high-priority requests, and when he discovered that I had a particularly sensitive G-spot, he invented new ways to use both his tongue and fingers to pleasure me. I discovered that I was a squirter.

Finally, I would be remiss if I did not mention that Vanisher eats out like a middle-aged bachelor who lives upstairs from a Chinese restaurant, by which I mean: frequently, knowledgeably, and with only a reasonable amount of shame. At this point, just looking at the guy gets me drenched. Seriously. It's like the god drat Ninth Ward down there.

As you can see, I think Vanisher is a good candidate for this opening, just as he has been a great candidate for my opening. He has my highest recommendation.

Sincerely,
Old Lady Boss

Weener Beater posted:

ONCE upon a toilet dreary, while I strained, weak and weary,
Over many chimichangas I had consumed from the dollar store,
While I nodded, nearly crapping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of someone gently rapping, rapping at my chamber floor.
"'Tis some visiter," I muttered, "tapping on my chamber floor—
Only this, and nothing more."

And the sad uncertain rustling of the pants and toilet paper
Thrilled me—filled me with fantastic dreams of erotic splendor;
So that now, to still the beating of my heart, I stood repeating
"'Tis some homo entreating entrance at my chamber door—
Some late homo entreating entrance at my chamber door;—
This it is, and nothing more."

Presently my soul grew stronger; hesitating then no longer,
"Sir," said I, " truly your forgiveness I implore;
But the fact is I was crapping, and so gently you came rapping,
And so faintly you came tapping, tapping at my chamber floor,
That I scarce was sure I heard you"—here I looked down upon the floor;——
A foot I saw, and nothing more.

Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there wondering, fearing,
Doubting, dreaming dreams no straight man ever dared to dream before;
But the silence was unbroken, and the darkness gave no token,
And the only word there spoken was the whispered word, "Amour?”
This I whispered, and an echo murmured back the word, ""Amour?!"
Merely this, and nothing more.

Back in the crapper turning, all my soul within me burning,
Soon I heard again a tapping somewhat louder than before.
"Surely," said I, "surely that is someone at my stall door;
Let me see, then, what thereat is, and this mystery explore—
Let my heart be still a moment and this mystery explore;—
'Tis a truck stop whore!"

Open here I flung the door, when, with many a flirt and flutter,
In there stepped a burly man of the saintly days of yore;
Not the least obeisance made he; not an instant stopped or stayed he;
But, with mien of lord or lady, entered my crapper door—
Reached to grab my Phallus just above the crapper floor—
Stood, then squatted, and nothing more.

Then this manly man beguiling my sad fancy into smiling,
By the grave and stern decorum of the countenance he wore,
"Though thy head be shorn and shaven, thou," I said, "art sure no craven,
Macho, bearded and wandering from your Nightly chore—
Tell me what thy age is on the Night's Plutonian shore!"
Quoth the Trucker, "34."

Much I marvelled this studly man child to hear discourse so plainly,
Though its answer little meaning—little relevancy bore;
For we cannot help agreeing that no living human being
Ever yet was blessed with seeing a man’s head explore—
Burly man crouched down upon his chamber floor,
At the virile peak of "34”

This I sat engaged in thrusting, but still no nut yet busting
To the man whose fiery eyes now burned into my bosom's core;
This and more I sat divining, with my head at ease reclining
On the toilet’s porcelain tank that the lamplight gloated o'er,
Bodies moving the lamplight gloating o'er,
Working to release that manly spore!

Then, me thought, the air grew denser, perfumed from an unseen censer
Swung by devils whose hoof-falls smashed upon the cement floor.
"Wretch," he cried, "thy rear end hath lent thee—by your bowels a scent released thee
Stench—stench foulness from the depths!” he swore!
“Wait, oh wait I was so close can’t you suck some more?!"
Quoth the Trucker, "Nevermore!"


"Be that sound and smell of farting, fiend!" He shrieked, upstarting—
"Get thee back into the crapper and the Night's Plutonian shore!
Leave no black skid marks as token, or no graffiti that we have spoken!
Leave my manly hymen unbroken!—scrawl not my name upon the stall door!
“Can I see you again?” I did implore!
Quoth the Trucker, "Nevermore."

Upon the toilet he still is sitting, still is sitting but never making GBS threads
On the pallid flaccid Phallus he tugs till sore;
And his eyes have all the seeming of a demon's that is dreaming,
And the lamp-light o'er him streaming throws his dick’s shadow on the floor;
And my soul from semen that lies splattered on the floor
Shall be lifted—nevermore!

hamjobs posted:

hi, future BEST BRIDESMAIDS EVER, welcome to our first ever PLANNING SESH!!!!!!!!!!! okay so some ground rules first off:

the theme of this wedding is PARADISE COVE and while we live in the middle of the country far away from any body of water larger than a sewage treatment facility we want everything to be SUPER BEACHY so even though it's winter, girls, get ready to TAN and TONE because i'm putting you all in strapless gowns from the finest of all the stores, David's Bridal.

our colors are BEACHY and FUN so sarah, you're going to wear this hot little number in POOL.

kerri, since you're my bestie best bff ever, you're going to wear this one (it'll cover up those curves FLAWLESSLY) in CAPRI.

sharon, you're only here because mom said i had to be nice to you, so you're going to be on the end in MALIBU which is where i wish you'd loving stayed because i still hate you for that time you told me i looked like i was "finally filling out" but anyway here's your loving swatch.

tammie, i barely know you but we were on cheer squad in high school and sorority sisters and one time we banged the same dude so you get to wear this elegant little MATRONLY outfit to cover up your baby bump (grats girl!!!!!!!!!) in SPA so hopefully you can keep your loving chill and not cry hormonally every time something happens because i'm not paying this much for you to ruin the loving airbrush makeup.

okay so now we need to talk about HAIRSTYLES. i don't want any of you upstaging me so i'm going for BEACHY WAVES and i'm paying my dog groomer's niece's best friend's cousin ANJILLA to come give me some sweet salt-kissed loveliness, so you all should wear buns. and probably just like not do anything remotely nice. just a loving bun, no rhinestones or hair flowers, don't be extra, sharon.

google THIS posted:

A race of elves from the land of Gou'Fa Qyors who can't understand why every attempt they make to introduce themselves to another race results in war.

Pot Smoke Phoenix posted:

It's exactly where it needs to be

Heather Papps posted:

tushy, tushy, burning bright,
In the pants of the night;
What immortal hand or eye,
Could frame thy fearful symmetry?

In what distant deeps or skies.
Burnt the fire of thine cheeks?
On what wings dare he aspire?
What the hand, dare seize the fire?

And what shoulder, & what art,
Could twist the sinews of thy fart?

SweetWillyRollbar posted:

Oh, somewhere in this favored forums the sun is shining bright;
LP is is playing something, and somewhere hearts are light,
and somewhere posters are laughing, and somewhere others boast;
but there is no joy in BYOB — ButtTheShitmanFart cannot post

google THIS posted:

Jesus: Hey Chris, nice ships you've got here.

Christopher Columbus: Oh, thanks, Jesus. I'm going to help disprove geocentrism with them.

Jesus: Nice. What are their names?

CC: The Niña, the Pinta, and the, uh...

Jesus: ...

CC: ...

Jesus: ...

CC: ...other one.

Teddy Thunders posted:

OH poo poo

IT'S EASTER

PUT A SIGN ON IT THAT SAYS "HE IS RISEN, BUT WHAT IF TOO MUCH????"

Dip Viscous posted:

walkthroughs for retro video games written in the style of recipe websites

Prof. Crocodile posted:

my earliest memories of kid icarus come from my grandmother, at her house in the country, when I was 9 years old. I came from a big family, and playing video games were an important ritual that helped keep us connected, both to ourselves and to our past. playing video games during the holidays were quiet the production, with almost every member of the family shuffling around the den, eager to contribute to the days festivities. but kid icarus was something that only grandma and I played, and playing it together felt like sharing a secret with your best friend.

the walkthrough below is based on the strategy that my grandmother perfected over years of playing kid icarus—a strategy that she kept tinkering with, in true grandma fashion, until she passed away in 2006. but to really understand the walkthrough, and why she cultivated it so diligently, we have to go back to Prussia in 1902, when her mother—my great grandmother—was just starting to dream of a new life in America while making handmade video games at local market in konigsburg.

young people today may find this hard to believe, but in the days before raytracing and subsecond load screens, every piece of the video game was made by hand. it was hard work, but to those old world artisans the craftsmanship was its own reward. I often think about my great grandmother, meticulously placing one pixel next to another, and wonder what she would have thought of me and grandma casually entering passwords that we had looked up in Nintendo power, instead of earning them hard way. would she have been angry, or would she have instinctively understood the bond that we were sharing as we traded the controller back and forth and traded inside jokes about how the snakes looked cross-eyed?

NumptyScrub posted:

O treasured orbs, within this pastel glow
Those who revere the child of grain, or grape
The works of yeast which do sustain the soul
Becom'st the cause of such a merry jape
Additionally, you whom woulds't prefer
The soothing from an incandescent bowl
A pleasant toke from comforting reefer
Now unto you, I do entreat; Let's Go!

Prof. Crocodile posted:

Dumb Sex-Parrot posted:

fat bottom sheep you make the mutton world go round

BoldFrankensteinMir posted:

Well done, Dwarf friends.

Whistle a tune as you light your pipe, on a pile of dead lower-case g's!
of the hundred and fifty one, ho ho, the hundred and fifty one please!

Of Dopey and Peaky and Lumpey and Kevin
And Flatulantradon

Of Naily and Goey and Jerky and Stumpy
And Knad and Yttrium

Of Mauvey and Moovie and Tibby and Tobby
And Titty and Mr Knocko

Of Orangey and lovely and Soupy and Goatsy
And Blastwice, and old Bilbo

And Tally and Crummy and Globby and Pukey
And "Fast Fingers" Freddy and Hollywood

And Mr. Mine, Plague Doc, Gassy and Flamey
And the dwarf you can't tell (they're too good!)

And Biggy and Smally and Smally and Smally
and Smally and Smally and Smally and Smally
and Smally and Smally and Smally and Smally
and Smally and Smally and Smally and Smally
And so on and so forth (and Smally)

And Fucko and Poopi and Poopo and Pipi
And Wonky and Trotsky and Fucky

And that Australian dwarf that I shall not name
And Sassy and Spidey and Lucky

And Smoko and Namey and Tommy Knocker
And Sammy, Incelly, and Entsy

And Pussyfooty and Slam Duncan
And Army and Bigs and Wentsy

And Reginald, Hidey, Boney and Clammy
And Porky and Rotblight and Gimli

Teryaki and Molly and Iffy and Sumi
Bonery, Metaphorey and Similey

Leonardo Da Winky and Hiney and Barfy
And Whoopsy and Bussy and Talky

Tragedy, Delivery, History, Nosey
and Penny and Slumpy and Floppy

And Frenchy and Lolly and, poo poo, rear end, and Slappy
And gently caress, Fucky Jr Other Fucky,

DJ Dwarf, Brick and Booky, and Naughty, and Knotty
And Gnawty and Jerry and Plucky

And Clippy, Mauricey, Floccinaucinihilipilificator
and Hurty and Mrs. Floccinaucinihilipilificator

And Singy and Turkey and MoriArty
Papa Gnome Slumpy Hurdy, and Noisy

Guacamoly and Industry, Chi Chi, Rigatoni
Cardi, Cardi B, Edamame, and Boise

Sanitary and Nutty and Butti and Numpy
And Brony, and Dwarf 2.0

Notsy, Illuminaty, Tony Hawk and Finally
Technically, Firsty, Culottes and Ho

What a hard tune to whistle, a dwarf might say as he zips along on his skis
of the hundred and fifty one, ho ho, the hundred and fifty one please!

Sherbert Hoover posted:

she slid into the room like jelly dripping off toast, and slid into my life like tom cruise in socks. she had a shell for days and titties so human they were dreading tax day.

Finger Prince posted:

Cider-Man, Cider-Man,
Drinking his cider from a can
Spins a yarn, any size,
Catches hell from his wife
Look Out!
Here comes the Cider-Man.

Is he strong?
Listen bud,
He's got alcohol instead of blood.
Can he walk to the door?
Take a look on the floor.
Hey, there
There goes the Cider-Man.

In the chill of night
Drinking down at the pub
Apples back at the farm
Fermenting in the tub.

Cider-Man, Cider-Man
Friendly neighborhood Cider-Man
Wealth and fame
He's ignored
Scrumpy is his reward.

To him, life is a great big piss up
Wherever there's a knees up
You'll find the Cider-Man!