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Khazar-khum
Oct 22, 2008

Cat Army
2nd Battalion


STDH (poo poo That didn't Happen) is a proud Internet tradition whereby a story goes from plausible to ridiculous, primarily due to the way it is told. Saying "hi" to the cute cashier becomes an elaborate wedding proposal, if not a full-blown damsel in distress scenario where our Hero rescues the poor, petite girl from the ravening attacks of savages with his trusty katana. IOW, poo poo That Didn't Happen.

There are several popular types that reappear, so naturally we want to see and ridicule them. Classic types include, but are not limited to:

Adolf Einsteins These end with some version of"...and that child was...Adolf Hitler/Albert Einstein/John Kerry!" etc.

Inspirationals These come to your inbox/feed via dear grandma, Aunt Beth, or another credulous person. Misfortune arises, people suffer, but prayers make it all right. "And after we prayed all night, in the morning we saw that Billy had grown-- a whole new head!"

Romance People who have never even spoken to someone of the opposite sex love these. Someone threatens another person, and our hero steps in to save the day. These usually end with "and we're getting married tomorrow!"

However, there are some thing which resemble STDH but don't belong here, namely:

Jokes/Green Text Messages I know we're goons, but let's at least pretend we've been outside a couple of times, mmmkay?

STDH must be published on the Internet somewhere, so Uncle Joe's story about how he totally reamed Hitler while Charlie Chaplin filmed it doesn't belong here. Unless they got married.

Names don't belong. There's a thread for names. That's where La-a goes to be mauled to death by bears.


Where do I find STDH? Like the Force, STDH is all around us. It can be discovered on various social media outlets, Not Always Right and its affiliates, Reddit, Fark, and of course right here on our own beloved SA. I don't think there's a thread here that doesn't have some lurking in the comments. Every message board has some, too. A sharp eye and some patience will yield plenty of STDH.

Go forth, goons, and find STDH. Albert Hitler depends on you!

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Gridlocked
Aug 2, 2014

MR. STUPID MORON
WITH AN UGLY FACE
AND A BIG BUTT
AND HIS BUTT SMELLS
AND HE LIKES TO KISS
HIS OWN BUTT
by Roger Hargreaves


http://forums.somethingawful.com/sh...hreadid=3631118

What has happened to the old thread? Full?

goose willis
Jun 13, 2015

Get ready for teh wacky laughz0r!


It didn't happen

LITERALLY A BIRD
Sep 27, 2008

I knew you were trouble
when you flew in




The old thread's ancient, time for a reboot!

Weatherman
Jul 30, 2003

SCREECH


goose fleet posted:

It didn't happen

Tunicate
May 15, 2012





I'd suggest we collect the all-time classic stdh on the first page, but let's be honest, they're classic for a reason and are showing up on your facebook wall right now.

hyperhazard
Dec 4, 2011

I am the one lascivious
With magic potion niveous

To christen the new thread, have my very favorite stdh from NAR

quote:

Paging Leonidas To The Front Desk
HARDWARE STORE | NEW YORK, NY, USA | HALL OF FAME, TOP, WILD & UNRULY

Customer: “Look! My friend told me I could get this type of hammer at your store! Now go get it for me!”

Cashier: “Sir, I already told you… we don’t have ANY hammers back here that aren’t already stocked on the shelves.”

Customer: “LOOK HERE. F**K YOU! I KNOW YOU’RE TRYING TO SAVE MONEY BY SWITCHING OUT YOUR STOCKS! GET ME THIS HAMMER!”

(At this point, I come to the front of the store, overhearing what’s going on; note that I’m the manager.)

Me: “Is there a problem?”

Customer: “Yes sir! Your employee here is not doing what I tell her to!”

Me: “Well, you need to calm down and understand that we don’t have what you’re looking for. So maybe you should go back to shelves and check–”

Customer: “F**K THAT!!! IT’S NOT THERE, OKAY?! YOU NEED TO F**KING GET ME WHAT I ASK FOR!”

Me: “That’s it. Get out of my store.”

Customer: “What? NO!”

Me: “Sir, get out, or I have to take you out.”

Customer: “Then do it!”

(I go around the counter and approach the customer. I yank him by his collar & drag him to the door.)

Me: “Now, then… you wanna apologize and maybe come back in?”

Customer: “No! I just want my hammer! God, what is this madness?!”

Me: *puts the customer down*

Customer: *confused* “… What is it?”

(I turn back to the cashier, who nods in approval. I then turn back to face the customer.)

Me: “Madness? THIS! IS! SPARTAAAAAAAAA!” *kicks customer out of store and slams door*

Boywhiz88
Sep 11, 2005

floating 26" off da ground. BURR!

"God, what is this madness?" should be the new title.

BrigadierSensible
Feb 16, 2012

Don't get my name wrong,
If you want to touch me there.

hyperhazard posted:

To christen the new thread, have my very favorite stdh from NAR

No marriages, no Einsteins, no troops, no [store name], no clapping and no Bohemian Rhapsody.

I, for one, demand a better standard for my STDH.

Kay Kessler
May 9, 2013



Does anyone have the one stdh from the 2008 Obama thread that had a goon "loving owning" Right-wingers at some party?

Baba Yaga Fanboy
May 18, 2011



Awww yiss, let's start this thread off right with a couple of classic Troper Tales:

A troper posted:

This troperrecently (A few weeks ago) got into a....little fight with his longtime nemesis, last day of (high)school, he may not be coming(droping out, my nemesis, not me) back, revenge bluh bluh merger childish things. He decides to come at me with a meter stick with a rather intimidating war cry. I merely tilt my head ever so slightly and plunk, it hits the wall behind my head, visibly dumbfounded he then attempts to slash me. Big mistake, my headphones got unplugged from my Ipod touch, and my favorite song was just beginning. Nightwish's song she is my sin and so begins my epic battle, he keeps slashing and lunging at me all while I dodge his blows and strokes. He attempts another headshot but I deftly grabbed it from him, he fell face first onto the floor, then I said one of my favorite badass boasts almost immediately afterword "On your knees...I want you to beg for forgiveness." my class's resident Video game gerd (Her own word she made, a combination of geek and nerd, she calls herself this all the time) said almost YELLING "Holy poo poo dude! That was awesome!" unfortunately his Girlfriend didnt think so, and tossed him the other meter stick and said "Kick that little snot into next year!"(Even though im taller then him he's like 5'4 im 5'7) and we exchanged blows which was eerily similar to aboved mentioned Final Fantasy movie, I then disarmed him and then said, "I hold no ill will, nor is this a personal matter, but thanks for the workout non-the less." He simply bowed his head in shame, his girlfriend having pure spasms of RAGE, chiding him that he couldn't beat a video game playing ultimate geek face(highly immature for a 16 year old girl I know), but I couldn't here them over the applause I was getting from the other geeks and my fellow peers, my teacher ( a substitute) woke up from her nap and simply said "what did I miss?" we all (except for my nemesis and his GF) begun laughing uncontrollably for a few minutes. I deadpanned afterwords "Nothing at all ma'am, just having some fun, listening to music, drawing, epic one sided battles..." She shrugged and went back to sleep.

An inhuman posted:

* This troper took a few levels when, after years of being a Woobie so pitiful Shinji would say what the heck is wrong with you, I had enough of a girl I liked always going for this tall, blond guy. When they were talking right in front of me in the street and holding arms and talking and all that, I said, "Shut. The. Hell. Up." The boy looks around and walks over, trying to look menacing. Martial arts studies come in. I take a punch to the forehead and then slide under and punch him in the stomach, he goes backwards and I land another one to his face. I then go berserk and full body tackle him. He managed to crawl away, and say, "That kid...is inhuman!"

Absurd Alhazred
Mar 27, 2010

I'm the babyliberal, gotta love me!


Could we have a "no troper tales" rule this time around? I basically skip over them because the writing is so turgid.

(Speaking in a personal capacity, my mod powers do not reach here!)

ETA:

Khazar-khum posted:

Adolf Einsteins These end with some version of"...and that child was...Adolf Hitler/Albert Einstein/John Kerry!" etc.
...
Go forth, goons, and find STDH. Albert Hitler depends on you!

Absurd Alhazred has a new favorite as of 06:35 on Apr 15, 2016

Gay Rat Wedding
Sep 14, 2011


Taco Defender

I find them pretty funny personally. They are loving terrible and that's a fine measure of quality in this thread.

Dinosaurmageddon
Jul 7, 2007

by zen death robot


Hell Gem

^^^ The Inhuman's story happened; 100% certain.

The Iron Rose
May 12, 2012

Cat Army


Digirat posted:

I find them pretty funny personally. They are loving terrible and that's a fine measure of quality in this thread.

yeah troper tales are fine in my opinion

Khazar-khum
Oct 22, 2008

Cat Army
2nd Battalion


Another classic--33 pencils

quote:

Arguably, this Troper is probably the youngest of which who suffers from this Trope. This is practically the invisible label that's under the invisible Berserk Button of this 13-year old kid. He broke 33 pencils in his life, and had a good friend break two of those pencils because they were too hard. He even yelled at someone because that guy was the third person who asked if he could be punched for the third time, with a teacher only a mile ahead!

sweeperbravo
May 18, 2012

AUNT GWEN'S COLD SHAPE (!)


I think as long as they're not dominating the thread they're fine

Tea Bone
Feb 18, 2011

I'm going for gasps.

hyperhazard posted:

To christen the new thread, have my very favorite stdh from NAR

quote:

Paging Leonidas To The Front Desk
HARDWARE STORE | NEW YORK, NY, USA | HALL OF FAME, TOP, WILD & UNRULY

Customer: “Look! My friend told me I could get this type of hammer at your store! Now go get it for me!”

Cashier: “Sir, I already told you… we don’t have ANY hammers back here that aren’t already stocked on the shelves.”

Customer: “LOOK HERE. F**K YOU! I KNOW YOU’RE TRYING TO SAVE MONEY BY SWITCHING OUT YOUR STOCKS! GET ME THIS HAMMER!”

(At this point, I come to the front of the store, overhearing what’s going on; note that I’m the manager.)

Me: “Is there a problem?”

Customer: “Yes sir! Your employee here is not doing what I tell her to!”

Me: “Well, you need to calm down and understand that we don’t have what you’re looking for. So maybe you should go back to shelves and check–”

Customer: “F**K THAT!!! IT’S NOT THERE, OKAY?! YOU NEED TO F**KING GET ME WHAT I ASK FOR!”

Me: “That’s it. Get out of my store.”

Customer: “What? NO!”

Me: “Sir, get out, or I have to take you out.”

Customer: “Then do it!”

(I go around the counter and approach the customer. I yank him by his collar & drag him to the door.)

Me: “Now, then… you wanna apologize and maybe come back in?”

Customer: “No! I just want my hammer! God, what is this madness?!”

Me: *puts the customer down*

Customer: *confused* “… What is it?”

(I turn back to the cashier, who nods in approval. I then turn back to face the customer.)

Me: “Madness? THIS! IS! SPARTAAAAAAAAA!” *kicks customer out of store and slams door*

The thing that drives me crazy about these kind of stories is if it really happened, the customer going nuts over nothing is clearly mentally handicapped. Well done, you just man handled and kicked someone who probably has the mental age of a child.

Hardcordion
Feb 5, 2008

BARK BARK BARK


Tea Bone posted:

The thing that drives me crazy about these kind of stories is if it really happened, the customer going nuts over nothing is clearly mentally handicapped. Well done, you just man handled and kicked someone who probably has the mental age of a child.

Not to mention that the manager was fine with physically assaulting a customer just to quote a stupid catchphrase. That sounds like its worth losing you job over.

Also I don't think I've ever seen a hardware store with a slammable front door, though I suppose there must still be one or two old mom n' pop stores out there.

NonzeroCircle
Apr 12, 2010

El Camino

One of my service users gets mega constipated due to his meds and will lie about when he last pooped. Literally poo poo that didn't happen.

Byzantine
Sep 1, 2007



NonzeroCircle posted:

One of my service users gets mega constipated due to his meds and will lie about when he last pooped. Literally poo poo that didn't happen.

Do you tell him he's full of poo poo?

GOTTA STAY FAI
Mar 24, 2005

~no glitter in the gutter~
~no twilight galaxy~


College Slice

sweeperbravo posted:

I think as long as they're not dominating the thread they're fine

Yeah, as long as we're not seeing pages of them at a time, they're okay. There's only so much "twelve-year-old kid trying to sound cool" you can take in at one time.

Without missing a beat, I linked this for the new thread:
and this image's name...

...was thanks lil nigga

GOTTA STAY FAI has a new favorite as of 14:28 on Apr 15, 2016

LITERALLY A BIRD
Sep 27, 2008

I knew you were trouble
when you flew in



Absurd Alhazred posted:

Could we have a "no troper tales" rule this time around? I basically skip over them because the writing is so turgid.

hell no.

Trebek
Mar 7, 2002


College Slice

My all time favorite STDH

quote:

I’m willing to go out on a limb here and guess that most stories of kindness do not begin with formerly drug-addicted celebrity bad boys. Mine does. You may or may not be a fan, but I am: His name is Robert Downey Jr., and it was the early ’90s (I was barely 20 years old) when this story took place.

It was at a garden party for the ACLU of Southern California—my stepmother was the executive director of the organization. I was escorting my grandmother to the event.

There isn’t enough room in this story to explain to you everything my grandmother was—I would need volumes. So for the sake of brevity, I will tell you that she was beautiful even in her 80s, vain as the day is long, and whip smart, though her type of intelligence did not include recognizing young celebrities.

I pointed out Robert Downey Jr. to her when he arrived, in a gorgeous cream-colored linen suit, with Sarah Jessica Parker on his arm. My grandmother shrugged, far more interested in piling her paper plate with cheese. He wasn’t Cary Grant or Gregory Peck. What did she care?

The afternoon’s main honoree was Ron Kovic, whose time in the Vietnam War left him in a wheelchair and whose story had recently been immortalized in the Oliver Stone film Born on the Fourth of July. I mention the wheelchair because it played a role in what happened next.

After the speeches concluded, we stood up in our front-row seats to make our exit. But as she rose, my grandmother tripped and fell smack into the wheelchair ramp that provided Ron Kovic with access to the stage. I didn’t know that wheelchair ramps have sharp edges, but they do—at least this one did, and it sliced her shin right open. The blood was staggering.

I’d like to be able to tell you that I whipped into action—that I quickly took control of the situation, tending to my grandmother and calling for the ambulance that was so obviously needed—but I didn’t. I sat down and put my head between my knees because I thought I was going to faint. Did I mention the blood? Luckily, somebody did take control of the situation. That person was Robert Downey Jr.

He ordered someone to call an ambulance, another to bring a glass of water, and another to fetch a blanket. He took off his gorgeous linen jacket, he rolled up his sleeves, and he grabbed hold of my grandmother’s leg. Then he took the jacket, which I’d assumed he’d taken off only to get it out of the way, and he tied it around her wound. I watched the cream-colored linen turn scarlet with her blood. He told her not to worry and that everything would be all right. He knew, instinctively, how to speak to her, distract her, and—most critically—play to her vanity. He held on to her calf, and he whistled. He told her how stunning her legs were. She said to him, to my humiliation, “My granddaughter tells me you’re a famous actor, but I’ve never heard of you.”

He stayed with her until the ambulance came, and then he walked alongside the stretcher holding her hand and telling her she was breaking his heart by leaving the party so early, just as they were getting to know each other. He waved to her as they closed the doors. “Don’t forget to call me, Silvia,” he said. “We’ll do lunch.” He was a movie star, after all.

Believe it or not, I hurried into the ambulance without a word. I was too embarrassed and way too shy to thank him.

We all have things we wish we’d said, moments we’d like to revisit and reenact. Rarely do we get that chance to make up for those times when words utterly failed us. But I did—many years later.

I should mention that, later, when Robert Downey Jr. was in prison for possession of heroin, cocaine, and an unloaded .357 Magnum handgun found in his car, I thought of writing to him. I wanted to remind him of that day when he was humanity personified, when he was the best of what we each can be. On that day, he was the kindest of strangers.

But I didn’t.

Some 15 years after that garden party, ten years after my grandmother had died, and five since he’d been released from prison, I saw him in a restaurant. I grew up in Los Angeles, where celebrity sightings are commonplace and where I was raised to respect people’s privacy and never bother someone while he’s out having a meal. But on this day, I decided to abandon the code of the native Angeleno and my own shyness, and I approached his table.

I said, “I don’t have any idea if you remember this …,” and I told him the story.

He remembered.

“I just wanted to thank you,” I said. “And I wanted to tell you that it was simply the kindest act I’ve ever witnessed.”

He stood up and he took both of my hands in his and he looked into my eyes and he said, “You have absolutely no idea how much I needed to hear that today.”

Karma Comedian
Feb 2, 2012

Dr. E/N, PhD




Agreed! Troper tales are an essential part of the process.

GOTTA STAY FAI
Mar 24, 2005

~no glitter in the gutter~
~no twilight galaxy~


College Slice

Can't forget this little piece of perfection:

quote:

RANT TIME

Harry Potter book release: don't worry, no spoilers.

Showed up at seven, in full costume for a nine am release. Devoted no? I was one of the few to dress up, and I was the best-dressed. I'm not being vain, I honestly had the most detailed and accurate costume there.

We were told in line, that the best-dressed person in line gets to open the box and have the first Half-Blood Prince book. So, I'm a shoo-in, aren't I?

WRONG.

loving moo brings her bratty sprog in at 8:59am dressed in a generic Kmart cape with stars and glitter and loving gaudy BLAH. Twig for a wand.

OMG WITTLE PWESHUS SO CUTE OMG YOU CAN OPEN THE BOX AND HAVE THIS BOOK YOU CAN'T READ AND *fawning fawning, blatant breederism etc*

THE loving KID WON'T EVEN REMEMBER THIS. THE BOX OPENING WAS MINE. MIIIIINE.

I wouldn't have minded if someone had said "Oh look Sass, you are best-dressed
but would you mind if this land-mine amputee opened the box instead?" I would
have said "Absolutely no problem. Go for it." But no. loving CROTCHDROPPING
GETS THE HONOUR. I'm furious. On principle of course, not out of any sense of entitlement. Well yes, entitlement also. But I WORKED FOR IT, I DESERVED IT.

I made an effort. I spent money making an effort. I showed up early. I will remember and treasure this event for ever and eternity. And I'm passed over for an ugly little brat with a sparkly tie. Woo loving woo.

I didn't stab her in the eye with my wand. I WANTED to. I talked about doing so
VERY loving LOUDLY. I was going to eviscerate her mother with the cover of my
brand-new copy.

I loving hate breeders and child-lovers. loving GO TO HELL.

I'm so pissed about this, sorry. It's just that in ten years time, this kid won't remember what she was doing on July 16th 2005. In ten years time, I will be remembering how I was deprived of this nerdly honor by an opportunistic twat breeder and her shitling. I'm hurt. All my life, nothing has gotten to me more than being deliberately ignored, or passed over. Honestly; that's the sort of thing that can make me cry in public. Or key your car. Or viciously murder you and your family in the heat of frustration and never-ending denial

Congratulations breeders, you win.

Edited to add: To all of you who are calling me immature etc, I'd like to add that you make a very good point, but have you considered GO gently caress YOURSELF? If you're so anal-retentive, go back to the other community and go on with your breeder-humping. Also, to the person who submitted this to fandom_wank, I seriously (no sarcasm) thank you. I've always wanted to be there!

Trebek
Mar 7, 2002


College Slice

^^^ Pretty sure that happened.

Ms Adequate
Oct 29, 2011

Baby even when I'm dead and gone
You will always be my only one, my only one
When the night is calling
No matter who I become
You will always be my only one, my only one, my only one
When the night is calling





GOTTA STAY FAI posted:

Can't forget this little piece of perfection:

I dunno, this is a nerd getting impotently mad about something utterly inconsequential, as a nerd who gets impotently mad about utterly inconsequential things I can 100% believe this happened.

Twitch
Apr 15, 2003

The Jellicle Moon is shining bright


I tried to find the text of this one to copy and paste, but all I could get is an image of the original Tumblr post.

oldpainless
Oct 30, 2009

This post brought to you by RAID: SHADOW LEGENDS.
RAID: SHADOW LEGENDS - It's for your phoneTM #ad



In the end she just throws money at a man instead of decently handing it to him. What a loving bitch

John Murdoch
May 19, 2009

I have special eyes.

Just think of all the cool stuff I can see.


I want "and the rest of us danced into the night" to show up in more of these. Right up there alongside "and then it turned into an MST3k-style riff fest" IMO.

Trebek
Mar 7, 2002


College Slice

shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: and the rest of us danced into the night!

Justin Godscock
Oct 12, 2004

Listen here, funnyman!

Soiled Meat

I remember those stupid "This is Sparta" stories were the prize of every pathological liar when 300 was all the rage.

Scathach
Apr 4, 2011

You know that thing where you sleep on your arm funny and when you wake up it's all numb? Yeah that's my whole world right now.




http://www.xojane.com/it-happened-t...ial-work-client

Only registered members can see post attachments!

Jay Rust
Sep 27, 2011



For posterity's sake, here's the OG Albert Einstein STDH:

quote:

Does evil exist?

The university professor challenged his students with this question. Did God create everything that exists? A student bravely replied, “Yes, he did!”

“God created everything? The professor asked.

“Yes sir”, the student replied.

The professor answered, “If God created everything, then God created evil since evil exists, and according to the principal that our works define who we are then God is evil”. The student became quiet before such an answer. The professor was quite pleased with himself and boasted to the students that he had proven once more that the Christian faith was a myth.

Another student raised his hand and said, “Can I ask you a question professor?”

“Of course”, replied the professor.

The student stood up and asked, “Professor, does cold exist?”

“What kind of question is this? Of course it exists. Have you never been cold?” The students snickered at the young man’s question.

The young man replied, “In fact sir, cold does not exist. According to the laws of physics, what we consider cold is in reality the absence of heat. Every body or object is susceptible to study when it has or transmits energy, and heat is what makes a body or matter have or transmit energy. Absolute zero (-460 degrees F) is the total absence of heat; all matter becomes inert and incapable of reaction at that temperature. Cold does not exist. We have created this word to describe how we feel if we have no heat.”

The student continued, “Professor, does darkness exist?”

The professor responded, “Of course it does.”

The student replied, “Once again you are wrong sir, darkness does not exist either. Darkness is in reality the absence of light. Light we can study, but not darkness. In fact we can use Newton’s prism to break white light into many colors and study the various wavelengths of each color. You cannot measure darkness. A simple ray of light can break into a world of darkness and illuminate it. How can you know how dark a certain space is? You measure the amount of light present. Isn’t this correct? Darkness is a term used by man to describe what happens when there is no light present.”

Finally the young man asked the professor, “Sir, does evil exist?”

Now uncertain, the professor responded, “Of course as I have already said. We see it every day. It is in the daily example of man’s inhumanity to man. It is in the multitude of crime and violence everywhere in the world. These manifestations are nothing else but evil.”

To this the student replied, “Evil does not exist sir, or at least it does not exist unto itself. Evil is simply the absence of God. It is just like darkness and cold, a word that man has created to describe the absence of God. God did not create evil. Evil is not like faith, or love that exist just as does light and heat. Evil is the result of what happens when man does not have God’s love present in his heart. It’s like the cold that comes when there is no heat or the darkness that comes when there is no light.”

The professor sat down.

The young man’s name -- Albert Einstein.

sweeperbravo
May 18, 2012

AUNT GWEN'S COLD SHAPE (!)


Poop is really just the absence of not-poop.

Parasol Prophet
Aug 31, 2012

We Are Best Friends Now.


Twitch posted:

Dancing Into the Night

I love it when the antagonists openly admit their shortcomings or hypocrisy.

As if any "You EARN your money/bootstraps/they don't deserve it" type would ever utter the phrase "My mom gives me my money" in public, rather than just pretending they didn't hear the question or sputtering that that's beside the point and you're just making assumptions etc. etc... Until you decide it's not worth it and walk away.

SilkyP
Jul 21, 2004

The Boo-Box



Twitch posted:

I tried to find the text of this one to copy and paste, but all I could get is an image of the original Tumblr post.



I wish I could draw the scene in my head that I'm imagining with this STDH

Enfys
Feb 17, 2013


Someone's a lucky bird


Why did he watch a one legged man hop in circles for hours?

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RNG
Jul 9, 2009



Jay Rust posted:

For posterity's sake, here's the OG Albert Einstein STDH:

And that man who married his cousin and slept around on both of his wives... was Albert Einstein.

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