shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: I'm finding it very hard to immerse myself in the lie.

The Something Awful Forums > Main > Post Your Favorite: Carefully Curated > shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: I'm finding it very hard to immerse myself in the lie.

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Antivehicular: Dec 30, 2011; I wanna sing one for the cars
That are right now headed silent down the highway
And it's dark and there is nobody driving And something has got to give

It's okay, guys; gnarlyhotep offered his account to the Moddery this year. We'll have a good corn crop soon.

# ¿ Apr 22, 2016 04:18

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# ¿ Apr 25, 2024 21:24

Antivehicular: Dec 30, 2011; I wanna sing one for the cars
That are right now headed silent down the highway
And it's dark and there is nobody driving And something has got to give

I'm pretty fond of the use of the phrase "bashing his skull" for an assault that was almost certainly more "bonking him on the head."

# ¿ Jul 8, 2016 19:20

Antivehicular: Dec 30, 2011; I wanna sing one for the cars
That are right now headed silent down the highway
And it's dark and there is nobody driving And something has got to give

Thin Privilege posted:

My (least) favorite one was told by I think actually elise but maybe I'm wrong about who it was that posted it. It went along the lines of, "I had this little old lady patient and was trying to get a catheter into her but I couldn't find the hole, then I noticed that there was an intact hymen. I asked her if she was sexually active and she said "yes when I first had sex with my husband it hurt but I thought it was supposed to hurt." Apparently she had been having sex through her urethra for 40 years and didn't know it." I mean, come on. That's loving literally physically impossible.

I think that one's an old chestnut from a mid-century medical biography. Regardless, I've never understood how anyone could find it plausible. How could you possibly accidentally penetrate the urethra even once, let alone for 40 years straight without somehow stumbling on the vaginal opening? Are we supposed to imagine the mythical Great Wall of Imperforate Hymen here, somehow unbreachable even by the steel-hard nightmare dong that could gently caress a urethra?

Christ, the paragraphs I find myself writing on SA.

# ¿ Jul 15, 2016 18:38

Antivehicular: Dec 30, 2011; I wanna sing one for the cars
That are right now headed silent down the highway
And it's dark and there is nobody driving And something has got to give

Fathis Munk posted:

Look at this badass

Fun fact: Middle Eastern people don't have bones in their fingers, apparently?

# ¿ Sep 12, 2016 02:33

Antivehicular: Dec 30, 2011; I wanna sing one for the cars
That are right now headed silent down the highway
And it's dark and there is nobody driving And something has got to give

sweeperbravo posted:

"one person started crying" is such a desirable detail int hese stupid things for some reason

I guess it's important to the kind of person who brags about (making up a story about) terrorizing kids for the crime of singing while playing outside? You know. Assholes.

# ¿ Oct 6, 2016 21:25

Antivehicular: Dec 30, 2011; I wanna sing one for the cars
That are right now headed silent down the highway
And it's dark and there is nobody driving And something has got to give

gschmidl posted:

"My dad accidentally texted me with voice recognition...while playing the tuba"

This is a delightful palate cleanser. Obviously STDH, if not a deliberate joke, but still, :3:

# ¿ Nov 21, 2016 13:19

Antivehicular: Dec 30, 2011; I wanna sing one for the cars
That are right now headed silent down the highway
And it's dark and there is nobody driving And something has got to give

sweeperbravo posted:

Just a porn on a laptop, unwatched.

For sale: laptop porn, never used

# ¿ Dec 14, 2016 01:05

Antivehicular: Dec 30, 2011; I wanna sing one for the cars
That are right now headed silent down the highway
And it's dark and there is nobody driving And something has got to give

Re: high school kid

I can buy that most of those things happened, just not that anyone besides the writer was amused/impressed/entertained.

Also, the concept of "sneaking" anything into a school yearbook is hilarious. When has any yearbook had quality control?

Antivehicular has a new favorite as of 01:46 on Dec 29, 2016

# ¿ Dec 29, 2016 01:43

Antivehicular: Dec 30, 2011; I wanna sing one for the cars
That are right now headed silent down the highway
And it's dark and there is nobody driving And something has got to give

WampaLord posted:

More like oldtoiletpaperless

Well, while we're talking about the Sears catalog...

# ¿ Jan 4, 2017 05:24

Antivehicular: Dec 30, 2011; I wanna sing one for the cars
That are right now headed silent down the highway
And it's dark and there is nobody driving And something has got to give

goose willis posted:

"STOP ENJOYING THINGS AND HAVING EMOTIONS, WOMEN"

# ¿ Jan 31, 2017 04:10

Antivehicular: Dec 30, 2011; I wanna sing one for the cars
That are right now headed silent down the highway
And it's dark and there is nobody driving And something has got to give

Zipperelli. posted:

Made by someone who obviously has never been in an L&D unit in a hospital.

Good luck switching babies without anyone noticing. The amount of security on L&D floors is mind-boggling.

I mean, this is obviously bullshit, but to pick it apart further: even if the issues that killed the one baby weren't obvious via prenatal screening, wouldn't the situation have been obvious, or announced? It's not like the woman was locked in an isolation chamber while the doctors said "ma'am, your baby's... great, just great! Give us a moment, please, to assemble paperwork about how great your baby is" and ran off to try and see if there was a spare baby on the floor they could swap out, all while one ventriloquism-trained nurse (mandatory in Screwball Comedy L&D Units) held the stillborn and made crying noises, in medicine's well-documented "Weekend at Baby's Procedure."

# ¿ Jan 31, 2017 07:37

Antivehicular: Dec 30, 2011; I wanna sing one for the cars
That are right now headed silent down the highway
And it's dark and there is nobody driving And something has got to give

moerketid posted:

Can you even imagine how awful it would be for a trans person's parents to throw a funeral for their birth-gender identity? Christ, the sheer congealed passive aggression of it.

# ¿ Feb 28, 2017 06:25

Antivehicular: Dec 30, 2011; I wanna sing one for the cars
That are right now headed silent down the highway
And it's dark and there is nobody driving And something has got to give

Khazar-khum posted:

Quite honestly it sounds like the little girl was either traded for a boy or was very ill, died and they adopted a little boy. Adoption was infinitely easier then.

Yeah, I presume you're right and this wasn't a trans situation anyway; I was just playing what-if and being pedantic about even the alleged "progressive" version of the story being poo poo-awful.

# ¿ Feb 28, 2017 10:44

Antivehicular: Dec 30, 2011; I wanna sing one for the cars
That are right now headed silent down the highway
And it's dark and there is nobody driving And something has got to give

Choco1980 posted:

I live upstairs from a (very) amateur banjo player. For the past two and a half years I've had to listen to him practice the same chords for hours on end, rarely ever playing actual solo tunes. I think he's playing like, the backup harmony for a band piece or something often, but uh, nobody else is ever playing down there. It's as delightful as you can imagine.

My boyfriend's old apartment had a very similar neighbor, except he was the bass player for a Chicano band and would practice his extremely repetitive riffs on weekend mornings. It may have only been one riff, actually, because I just remember waking up to the same DUN dun DUN dun DUN dun dun-dun-dun-dun every time. The dude seemed pretty good and I wish him luck in his endeavors, but dang.

# ¿ Mar 9, 2017 12:27

Antivehicular: Dec 30, 2011; I wanna sing one for the cars
That are right now headed silent down the highway
And it's dark and there is nobody driving And something has got to give

bean_shadow posted:

That Bernie Sanders action figure comes up in the advertisements on Facebook a lot for me a lot. Here's yet another example of the woke-kid-who-loves-Bernie trope I saw a lot during the elections:

It says, "He takes Bernie with him everywhere now".

I actually kind of believe this could happen, but not because of the kid being Woke(tm), just because kids get fixated on weird random toys/household objects for no rational reason. Next month it'll be a promotional Beanie Baby from his dad's car dealership or something.

Chef Bourgeoisie posted:

Why would you even want to make this one up?

This is the only time that screencapping the first response to one of these stories has ever been good or appropriate

# ¿ Apr 6, 2017 00:28

Antivehicular: Dec 30, 2011; I wanna sing one for the cars
That are right now headed silent down the highway
And it's dark and there is nobody driving And something has got to give

Catberry posted:

Any doctors out there?

I know there are some lovely diets out there but usually it takes years of just eating cheese and bread to catch scurvy in a developed country. Even then it's rare because people will accidentally ingest small amounts of vitamins.

I knew a dude in college who claimed to have been coming down with scurvy after several months of garbage undergrad-apartment living, and if his story is representative, I'd imagine most of these cases are more "some dumb kid who eats nothing but canned chili hears about the symptoms of scurvy somewhere, notices his teeth are feeling kind of loose lately, works on eating an orange sometimes" than anything really life-threatening, and I completely buy that dumb college kids with terrible diets are giving themselves minor vitamin deficiencies. The guy I knew was definitely clueless enough to do it.

# ¿ Apr 14, 2017 08:17

Antivehicular: Dec 30, 2011; I wanna sing one for the cars
That are right now headed silent down the highway
And it's dark and there is nobody driving And something has got to give

Obviously it's that the woman's stomach is the means of production of powerful hydrochloric acid, all the better to vomit onto the bourgeoisie

# ¿ May 4, 2017 02:52

Antivehicular: Dec 30, 2011; I wanna sing one for the cars
That are right now headed silent down the highway
And it's dark and there is nobody driving And something has got to give

TheMostFrench posted:

http://www.upworthy.com/i-told-a-kid-a-riddle-my-dad-told-me-when-i-was-7-his-answer-proves-how-far-weve-come?c=ufb3

This isn't totally stdh, but I laugh to think that the kid gave a dumb answer by mistake, which was then interpreted as being super progressive and a sign of how times are changing for the better.

Just to overthink this more: I'm not sure this can even be argued as more progressive than the actual answer to this riddle ("the surgeon is the kid's mom") since the entire initial point is playing on the stereotype that surgeon is perceived as a masculine-gendered occupation, which "his other dad" buys into.

# ¿ Jun 1, 2017 06:07

Antivehicular: Dec 30, 2011; I wanna sing one for the cars
That are right now headed silent down the highway
And it's dark and there is nobody driving And something has got to give

I like the implication of the banana one that bananas were the only "sour/tingly" fruit he knew, so I guess the dude just never ate citrus? It's him, he's the Guy Everyone Knew In College Who Got Scurvy

# ¿ Jul 19, 2017 04:03

Antivehicular: Dec 30, 2011; I wanna sing one for the cars
That are right now headed silent down the highway
And it's dark and there is nobody driving And something has got to give

EmmyOk posted:

Some top quality STDH featuring what are imo EPIC OWNS

This would be so mean if it were real. "Look, I taught my dad to use the Internet wrong, as a joke! Now when he tries to get information, he gets nothing, and you can laugh at the sheer embarrassment of an 81-year-old man trying to look up the weather and educate himself about foods he's never had before!"

# ¿ Aug 2, 2017 04:58

Antivehicular: Dec 30, 2011; I wanna sing one for the cars
That are right now headed silent down the highway
And it's dark and there is nobody driving And something has got to give

"No, no, it's a typo for ALL COPS HAVE BUTTHOLES"

# ¿ Oct 13, 2017 00:59

Antivehicular: Dec 30, 2011; I wanna sing one for the cars
That are right now headed silent down the highway
And it's dark and there is nobody driving And something has got to give

SerialKilldeer posted:

Also, someone should program a neural network or whatever the hot computer thing these days is to spew out endless variations of "lard planet" or whatever. The amount of upvotes it'd get on that sub would crash reddit.

God, wouldn't it? I'm convinced half these people are just competing to come up with the most over-ornamented, obtuse insults they can think of, like the childfree guys and their endless array of bizarre terms for children and mothers. Whichever one of them first said "hmm, no, 'hambeast' just isn't a strong enough term to describe this husky middle-aged guy I saw at the supermarket, I have to go stronger" created a monster.

# ¿ Oct 29, 2017 06:16

Antivehicular: Dec 30, 2011; I wanna sing one for the cars
That are right now headed silent down the highway
And it's dark and there is nobody driving And something has got to give

Drunk Tomato posted:

I find it very strange and mysterious (no I don't) that "hambeast" and similar terms are actually almost exclusively used to describe huge women.

In fact, the fat hater stories in general are almost always about women. How weird!!!!

Yeah, you're right. I was mostly just thinking of the time in the old GBS fat-hate thread that noted garbage poster Three Olives posted a picture of a slightly husky middle-aged man he'd seen at the supermarket, standing in front of a shelf of bread, and was like "lol look at this gross FATTY FAT FAT buying junk food!!" I don't know if that was a case of Three Olives being gay and doing the same "anyone of the gender I'm attracted to who isn't personally attractive to me is a war criminal" thing straight dudes pull on women, or whether it was just Three Olives being an awful person. Or both.

# ¿ Oct 29, 2017 22:49

Antivehicular: Dec 30, 2011; I wanna sing one for the cars
That are right now headed silent down the highway
And it's dark and there is nobody driving And something has got to give

yeah I eat rear end posted:

He sounds incredibly stupid so he might not have even realized it was toxic but yeah that should at the very least be assault or something.

Sodium azide is loving covered in warnings about its toxicity right on the packages, let alone the MSDS and protocols. I don't think there's any lab tech on Earth who could know about it and not realize that poo poo could kill people, even one as dumb and/or troubled as this dude sounds like he is.

# ¿ Dec 29, 2017 03:20

Antivehicular: Dec 30, 2011; I wanna sing one for the cars
That are right now headed silent down the highway
And it's dark and there is nobody driving And something has got to give

"No, no, no, we weren't just drinking soda until we puked! That's for amateurs."

All I can think of is that "college hack" posted in the lifehacks thread a while back about how, if you want to get dismissed from class, just eat a cigarette butt and you'll puke within the hour and have an excuse! Because going to lecture is worse than eating a loving cigarette butt or, in this (fake) case, having a loving seizure?

# ¿ Jan 31, 2018 06:23

Antivehicular: Dec 30, 2011; I wanna sing one for the cars
That are right now headed silent down the highway
And it's dark and there is nobody driving And something has got to give

I think I need to send my dad a "Thanks For Not Giving Me Saccharine Quasi-Sexual Nicknames and Making Everything About How Much I 'Loved My Daddy'" card now. Does Hallmark make those?

# ¿ Mar 11, 2018 04:35

Antivehicular: Dec 30, 2011; I wanna sing one for the cars
That are right now headed silent down the highway
And it's dark and there is nobody driving And something has got to give

Ein cooler Typ posted:

I can't believe a kid would be so disrespectful to his elder

He's a cyberpunk! He flamed his own dad!

# ¿ Mar 14, 2018 05:18

Antivehicular: Dec 30, 2011; I wanna sing one for the cars
That are right now headed silent down the highway
And it's dark and there is nobody driving And something has got to give

Jay Rust posted:

Serious question, what does �bless your food� mean and which crazy Protestant denomination does this

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grace_(prayer)

Fairly common among many denominations, usually referred to as "saying grace." Also fairly common at a lot of not-officially-Christian-but-functionally-so American social groups, like the Girl Scouts, who taught me every grace I know. (Everything beyond "rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yay Lord" is pointless showmanship IMHO.)

# ¿ Mar 19, 2018 00:28

Antivehicular: Dec 30, 2011; I wanna sing one for the cars
That are right now headed silent down the highway
And it's dark and there is nobody driving And something has got to give

Isn't a 2/2 university degree in Britain the equivalent of graduating with like a B- average in the US? Not a convincing argument!

# ¿ Mar 22, 2018 18:00

Antivehicular: Dec 30, 2011; I wanna sing one for the cars
That are right now headed silent down the highway
And it's dark and there is nobody driving And something has got to give

33 Pencils Dude will always be my favorite. Just... such sublime nonsense.

# ¿ Jun 12, 2018 13:14

Antivehicular: Dec 30, 2011; I wanna sing one for the cars
That are right now headed silent down the highway
And it's dark and there is nobody driving And something has got to give

I want to meet the kid who spends an entire class period+ bouncing a tennis ball perfectly off a classmate's head and catching it on the rebound, with no teacher attention, like he's Steve McQueen in the coolah. It's too bad his aura of invisibility extended to his being choked in a hallway for five minutes without anyone noticing, because drat.

# ¿ Jun 20, 2018 00:30

Antivehicular: Dec 30, 2011; I wanna sing one for the cars
That are right now headed silent down the highway
And it's dark and there is nobody driving And something has got to give

yeah I eat rear end posted:

I don't know why people fall for that stuff. Anything mass-produced like those and marketed as "collectible" will never be valuable. The only collectible stuff in the past that still holds value is either something that isn't durable or had incredibly limited production, neither of which applies to those things. They probably do what disney pins do and artificially limit production on some of them but you'll probably spend a lot more acquiring those than you'll ever get back in the future.

My favorite part of this re: the "funky little funko" guy is that his capstone story is about acquiring a figure of a character from Star Wars (you know, the most ubiquitously merchandised property in the history of pop culture) "exclusive" to a huge national chain store. How rare and special!

# ¿ Jul 13, 2018 17:29

Antivehicular: Dec 30, 2011; I wanna sing one for the cars
That are right now headed silent down the highway
And it's dark and there is nobody driving And something has got to give

I appreciate that every response to that tweet, at least for as far as I scrolled down, was a variation on "this is fake as gently caress" and/or "you're a man-baby"

# ¿ May 19, 2019 12:20

Antivehicular: Dec 30, 2011; I wanna sing one for the cars
That are right now headed silent down the highway
And it's dark and there is nobody driving And something has got to give

bike tory posted:

Wait until you realise they were actually in a hospital, and that baby picked up a 2000L body composition measurement tank and hurled it at a wall.

And then put her hair into a ponytail but not really

# ¿ Jun 30, 2019 22:14

Antivehicular: Dec 30, 2011; I wanna sing one for the cars
That are right now headed silent down the highway
And it's dark and there is nobody driving And something has got to give

Yeah, the only fact I've retained about that guy is that he was convinced he'd impregnated his horse-wife. I've always wondered if he expected a centaur baby.

# ¿ Jul 1, 2019 12:23

Antivehicular: Dec 30, 2011; I wanna sing one for the cars
That are right now headed silent down the highway
And it's dark and there is nobody driving And something has got to give

Yeah, "Yoda ride" is more shit_that_happened_but_is_mildly_amusing_at_best.txt

# ¿ Jul 6, 2019 23:35

Antivehicular: Dec 30, 2011; I wanna sing one for the cars
That are right now headed silent down the highway
And it's dark and there is nobody driving And something has got to give

TheMostFrench posted:

Her name was clitty-jean, masturbates with the seam.

Clitty Jean is not my lover
She's just some girl who's having a furtive jerk
At a meeting at work

# ¿ Sep 10, 2019 23:25

Antivehicular: Dec 30, 2011; I wanna sing one for the cars
That are right now headed silent down the highway
And it's dark and there is nobody driving And something has got to give

Covski posted:

"18th century sluts with boobs on the calves of their legs"

I had a dream once in high school where the only lasting memory was the phrase "breasts on my hips," and twenty years later I am still not okay with it

# ¿ Sep 11, 2019 23:52

Antivehicular: Dec 30, 2011; I wanna sing one for the cars
That are right now headed silent down the highway
And it's dark and there is nobody driving And something has got to give

capitaldelendaest posted:

The college I went to had an extremely strict attendance policy to the point where they autofailed you after a certain amount of absences, marked your grade down after a small amount, and insisted it was so vital to that no disability related exemptions were possible.

Edit: To be fair, in a studio class or lab this isn't necessarily unreasonable, but this applied universally across all class types.

My understanding is that this is often an issue of funding requirements for colleges based on attendance levels and accountability, as well as financial aid often having attendance quotas.

# ¿ May 7, 2020 06:56

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# ¿ Apr 25, 2024 21:24

Antivehicular: Dec 30, 2011; I wanna sing one for the cars
That are right now headed silent down the highway
And it's dark and there is nobody driving And something has got to give

All that buildup for a tiny pale scar that looks like (and probably is) a kitchen-knife whoopsie. I guess "I was slicing a bagel and wasn't paying attention to where my hand was" doesn't get you those sweet Imgur cheevos, though.

# ¿ Aug 11, 2020 02:49

The Something Awful Forums > Main > Post Your Favorite: Carefully Curated > shit_that_didnt_happen.txt: I'm finding it very hard to immerse myself in the lie.

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