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iSurrender posted:What's a pirate's favourite letter? Oooh, I'm stealing that. That's classy as gently caress. edit: Joke for a new page. How do you turn a duck into a respected R&B musician? Put it in the microwave until its bill withers!
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Jul 1, 2016 17:01
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Ignite Memories posted:Oooh, I'm stealing that. That's classy as gently caress. yeah same, you can get really stewart lee with that
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Jul 1, 2016 18:02
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For whatever reason, this will always be my favorite joke. It is not clever and there is no pride in this. A kindergarten teacher is teaching her class the alphabet. She starts by asking the students to name something that starts with "A" and then to use that word in a sentence. Little Johnny immediately puts his hand up. The teacher is worried because Little Johnny is a bad kid and he's probably going to say "rear end" or something, so she calls on little Susie. Susie goes "A if for apple. I had an apple at lunch." Now the teacher asks if a student can name something starting with B. Again, little Johnny raises his hand. Fearing he might say something like "bitch" or "bastard," the teacher calls on little Cindy instead. This goes on and on through the alphabet, with Little Johnny getting more and more excited at raising his hand. Finally they get to the letter "R" and only little Johnny is raising his hand. The teacher thinks quickly. Nothing bad starts with "R," right? She should be safe with this one. She calls on little Johnny. Little Johnny stands up and says "R is for rats. RATS with giant COCKS and BALLS down to HERE" the final line is best delivered while cupping imaginary testicles somewhere by your knees
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Jul 3, 2016 02:12
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I was walking to my car after work one day and this frog was just sitting on the sidewalk staring up at me. It wasn't afraid or moving or anything it was just staring. I figured "eh whatever" and went to step over it. It hopped in front of me and started talking. "You look like a handsome guy," it said. "I bet one of your ancestors was a king so you're probably prince of something in one way or another. I'm a beautiful princess and need a prince to kiss me so I can be human again. If you kiss me and it works I'll go on a date with you." I smiled at her, picked her up, and put her in my jacket pocket. A got back to walking when she started to wriggle around and yell for my attention. "OK I get it, holding put for a better offer. Kiss me and I'll be your girlfriend for a month." I took her out a moment, smiled, and put her back. A while later she's trying for my attention again. "Alright, alright. I'll do anything you want for a year." I just smiled at her again and went back to walking. This time she got desperate and said "come on, I'll marry you and make you rich if you want. I just want to be a human princess again, why won't you kiss me?" I laughed and said "sorry lady, I'm a computer programmer and don't have time for a girlfriend but a talking frog is just plain loving cool."
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Jul 3, 2016 03:19
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Ignite Memories posted:How do you turn a duck into a respected R&B musician? If the duck is male, even that step isn't necessary.
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Jul 3, 2016 03:51
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An Italian scientist is experimenting with a frog. He's trained the frog to jump on command. He puts the frog on the ground and says "jump-a frog-a jump-a!" The frog jumps ten feet. The scientist writes in his book "frog-a jump-a ten feet." He pulls out a scalpel and cuts off one of the frog's legs. Again he says "jump-a frog-a jump-a!" This time, the frog only goes eight feet. The scientist writes in his book "frog-a with-a three legs jump-a eight feet." He pulls out the scalpel again and cuts off another leg. Again he says "jump-a frog-a jump-a!" This time, the frog only goes six feet. The scientist writes in his book "frog-a with-a two legs jump-a six feet." He pulls out the scalpel again and cuts off another leg. Again he says "jump-a frog-a jump-a!" This time, the frog only goes two feet. The scientist writes in his book "frog-a with-a one leg jump-a two feet." He pulls out the scalpel again and cuts off another leg. Again he says "jump-a frog-a jump-a!" The frog doesn't move. He says again "jump-a frog-a jump-a!" The frog still doesn't move. The scientist gets down next to the frog and screams "JUMP-A FROG-A JUMP-A!" The frog still won't move. The scientist writes in his book "frog-a with-a no leg is deaf."
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Jul 6, 2016 02:41
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Minarch posted:An Italian scientist is experimenting with a frog. He's trained the frog to jump on command. He puts the frog on the ground and says "jump-a frog-a jump-a!" The frog jumps ten feet. The scientist writes in his book "frog-a jump-a ten feet." this is good, my MIL is Itallian so I am telling this one. I made this one up: What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common? Icy, dead people
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Jul 9, 2016 22:46
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What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Aye Matey!
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Jul 10, 2016 00:28
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those last two horrible puns made me smile 
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Jul 10, 2016 01:57
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The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind here." What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn't matter, he isn't coming. What do you call a group of Uruk-hai playing classical music? An orchestra. What did Sean Connery say when his books fell on his head? "I blame my shelf." What do vegetarian zombies eat? GRAAAAINS! A time traveler walks into a bar.
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Jul 10, 2016 03:17
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Minarch posted:
nice. my favorite joke is also the joke I tell best in person: A wife is at wit's end after learning of her husband's infidelity. She grabs a knife and sneaks into the bedroom where he's napping, slices off his penis, and throws it out the window of their high-rise apartment. A father and son are driving on the street below when the severed penis bounces off their windshield. The boy says "Daddy! what was that!?" The father, thinking quickly, says: "oh, um, that was just a bug." The boy says "That bug had a huge dick!"
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Jul 10, 2016 03:37
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Toadvine posted:nice. my favorite joke is also the joke I tell best in person: This reminds me of a great exchange I think I saw on these very forums. Somebody posted this image:  And the exchange went something like "Jesus, that's a huge dick" "I think it's a colostomy bag" "Well that colostomy bag has a huge dick!"
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Jul 11, 2016 13:27
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Being a huge dick is understandable when you have to go around with a bag of your own waste strapped to your leg. 
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Jul 12, 2016 01:56
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Goddamn Particle posted:Being a huge dick is understandable when you have to go around with a bag of your own waste strapped to your leg.
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Jul 12, 2016 16:44
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Splicer posted:Bush is in there too??? 
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Jul 12, 2016 16:50
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A woman got on a bus holding her baby. The busdriver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me," she fumed. The man sympathized and said "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers." "You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind." "That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
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Jul 12, 2016 21:56
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So Angela Merkel is taking a short trip to greece, and she gets to customs and the customs officer asks "nationality?" to which she replies "German". The customs officer asks, "occupation?" and she replies "No, just here for a few days."
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Jul 13, 2016 05:07
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Three couples are walking hand in hand through the park one day; two men and their wives, plus a gay guy and his boyfriend All of a sudden, there's a flash of lightning and all three couples find themselves at the gates of heaven, where St. Peter is about to pronounce judgement on them. He beckons one of the men to come forward, and tells him "sir, I cannot allow you to enter the kingdom of heaven because you are not worthy. Your sin was greed; you loved money so much you even married a woman named Penny." The man and his wife are vaporized in a puff of smoke. The next man is called forward, and St. Peter tells him, "you are also unworthy to live in paradise, and cannot enter. Your sin was gluttony; you loved food so much you even married a woman named Candy." The man and his wife are vaporized in a puff of smoke. At this point the gay man turns to his boyfriend and says, "it doesn't look good, Dick."
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Jul 14, 2016 03:08
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Reminds me of a mild joke. There are three women eating ice cream on a park bench. One is slowly licking the ice cream into shape around the cone, before sucking it up from the top. One is more-or-less kissing the ice cream away from all directions. One just takes enormous bites out of the ice cream. Question: Which one is married? Answer: The one wearing a wedding ring
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Jul 14, 2016 06:39
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Three little old ladies are sitting on a park bench. A flasher comes up to them, throws open his trench coat and exposes himself. Two of the ladies had a stroke, the third couldn't reach.
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Jul 14, 2016 20:59
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 What's the difference between dead babies and dead baby jokes? dead baby jokes aren't funny If anyone has more recursive, self referential jokes, those are my jam
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Jul 17, 2016 15:19
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After the Cold War ended an old, retired American general and an old, retired Russian general were sitting on a park bench talking about the past. After some idle chatter the Russian says "is strange, you know? In past we would possibly have tried to kill each other if we were so close. Now we sit in park and talk like old friends." "Yeah and a lot of what went down those days isn't classified anymore. We can talk openly about a lot of things that used to be top secret. Guess that's just how the world changes," the American replied. "Yes and I feel comfortable asking question now. Is fine if this is still classified but we have satellite photos of many top American officers meeting in same place every day on Pentagon lawn. I always wondered what sorts of secret plans you made while there. Can you tell me some?" The American laughed. "No, that's where the hot dog stand was."
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Jul 17, 2016 16:47
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ToxicSlurpee posted:After the Cold War ended an old, retired American general and an old, retired Russian general were sitting on a park bench talking about the past. Was going to say that's actually true, till I re-read it and remembered the truth is even stranger. http://modernnotion.com/ridiculous-legend-pentagons-hot-dog-stand/ It's actually in the courtyard in the center of it.
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Jul 17, 2016 21:23
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Hughlander posted:Was going to say that's actually true, till I re-read it and remembered the truth is even stranger. http://modernnotion.com/ridiculous-legend-pentagons-hot-dog-stand/ It's actually in the courtyard in the center of it. I can believe that the U.S.S.R. had two nukes pointed at it simply because it was the centre of the Pentagon. I have a harder time believing that they thought it was the entrance to a bunker.
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Jul 18, 2016 00:41
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Platystemon posted:I can believe that the U.S.S.R. had two nukes pointed at it simply because it was the centre of the Pentagon. I have a harder time believing that they thought it was the entrance to a bunker. Yeah, one of their many defectors would have told the Kremlin what it was, I imagine.
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Jul 18, 2016 02:16
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Hughlander posted:Was going to say that's actually true, till I re-read it and remembered the truth is even stranger. http://modernnotion.com/ridiculous-legend-pentagons-hot-dog-stand/ It's actually in the courtyard in the center of it. The fact that it's based on reality makes it one of my favorite jokes. 
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Jul 18, 2016 03:50
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Speaking of which, what do you call a beer brewed by the Hanson brothers? MmmHops
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Jul 27, 2016 23:41
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Two birds go into a bar. One asks for rye. The other asks for millet light.
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Jul 28, 2016 00:15
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Monica took a dress to the cleaners She asked the cleaner, who was hard of hearing, "Could you get this spot out"? "Come again"; said the near deaf man "No, mustard"; said Monica
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Aug 14, 2016 01:28
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TITANIC VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet. CLINTON VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet. TITANIC VIDEO: Over 3 hours long. CLINTON VIDEO: Over 3 hours long. TITANIC VIDEO: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, a subsequent catastrophe. CLINTON VIDEO: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, a subsequent catastrophe. TITANIC VIDEO: Villain: White Star Line. CLINTON VIDEO: Villain: Ken Starr. TITANIC VIDEO: Jack is a starving artist. CLINTON VIDEO: Bill is a B.S. artist. TITANIC VIDEO: In one part, Jack enjoys a good cigar. CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Bill. TITANIC VIDEO: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined. CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Monica. TITANIC VIDEO: Jack teaches Rose to spit. CLINTON VIDEO: Let's not go there. TITANIC VIDEO: Behind the scenes: Leonardo DiCaprio is wildly popular. CLINTON VIDEO: Behind the scenes: Bill Clinton's approval rating is at 70%. TITANIC VIDEO: Jack surrenders to an icy death. CLINTON VIDEO: Bill goes home to Hillary
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Aug 14, 2016 01:29
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Nixon: Came after LBJ Clinton: Came after A BJ Nixon: Frequently heard "Nixon's The One!" Clinton: Frequently heard "He's The One!" Nixon: "Tricky Dick" Clinton: "Licky Dick" Nixon: Watergate Clinton: Waterbed Nixon: His biggest fear - the Cold War Clinton: His biggest fear - a Cold Sore Nixon: Brought down by Deep Throat. Clinton: Brought down by Deep Throat. Nixon: Deep Throat leaked to the press. Clinton: Deep Throat leaked on her dress. Nixon: Worried about carpet bombs Clinton: Worried about carpet burns Nixon: His Vice President was a Greek Clinton: His Vice President is a geek Nixon: He was anti-Russia Clinton: He had to rush her Nixon: Couldn't stop Kissinger Clinton: Couldn't stop kissing her Nixon: Couldn't explain the 18 minute gap in the Watergate tape Clinton: Couldn't explain the 36-DD bra in his brief case Nixon: His nickname was Tricky Dick Clinton: His nickname was Tricky Dick Nixon: Ex-President Clinton: Sex-President Alternate: Clinton: X-rated President Nixon: Famous for his widow's peak Clinton: Famous for bringing widows to their peak Nixon: Well acquainted with G. Gordon Liddy Clinton: Well acquainted with the G Spot Nixon: Took on Ho Chi Minh Clinton: Took on Ho Nixon: Talked about achieving peace with honor Clinton: Talked about getting a piece while on her
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Aug 14, 2016 01:30
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WHAT CLINTON SAYS VS. WHAT HE REALLY MEANS "My fellow citizens"...................."Suckers" "I didn't inhale"......................."I think you're all idiots" "goals"................................."lies" "broad-based contributions"............."taxes" "jobs program".........................."military base lay-offs" "Vietnam"..............................."where?" "Attorney General"..................."the first semi-qualified woman I could find without a criminal record" "God bless America"....................."God help us, 'cause I don't have a clue" "Fairness".............................."screw all of you" "I feel your pain"......................"and I like it" "diversity"............................."millionaires" "opportunity"..........................."federal handout" "compassion"............................see "opportunity"
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Aug 14, 2016 01:35
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Hogge Wild posted:Nixon: Ex-President XXX-President, duh.
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Aug 14, 2016 01:39
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What's an iron atom's favorite amusement park ride? The ferrous wheel.
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Aug 14, 2016 06:40
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LostCosmonaut posted:What's an iron atom's favorite amusement park ride? This but unironically
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Aug 14, 2016 13:40
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Hogge Wild posted:Monica took a dress to the cleaners
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Aug 14, 2016 15:31
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Monica's dress is one of the most valuable clothing items in history, it features a wad of bills
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Aug 14, 2016 16:38
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I recently visited my doctor. After a thorough exam, he sat me down and told me I was too fat. I told him I would like a second opinion. "Ok", he said, "you're also ugly."
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Aug 15, 2016 03:27
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"What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?"
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Aug 15, 2016 03:29
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Why don't you ever see Buddhists begging? Change comes from within
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Aug 15, 2016 11:37
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