|
Can confirm, I'm a real communist.
|
#
?
Dec 24, 2019 01:51
|
|
|
|
| # ? May 11, 2024 04:22 |
|
|
Highly situational joke: My Brother, on a remote hiking trail on the 31st: What do you think you'll be doing tomorrow? Me: Walking Brother: Looks like you've got... ...2020 Vision
|
|
#
?
Jan 5, 2020 01:16
|
|
|
quote:A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "You're in here a lot, are you an alcoholic?" The horse ponders for a minute, then replies "I don't think I am," and then *poof!*, he disappears.
|
|
#
?
Jan 6, 2020 16:01
|
|
|
Alan Alda posted:This woman’s at her hairdresser’s, and she says, “I’m going to Rome on holiday.” He says, “Oh really, what airline are you taking?” She says, “Alitalia.” He says, “Alitalia, are you crazy? That’s terrible, don’t take that.” He says, “Where are you gonna stay?” She says, “I’m gonna stay at The Hassler.” “The Hassler! What, are you kidding? They’re renovating the Hassler. You’ll hear hammering all night long. You won’t sleep. What are you gonna see?” She says, “I think I’m going to try to go to the Vatican.” “The Vatican? You’ll be standing in line all day long.” Just in case you recently watched Marriage Story and were curious.
|
|
#
?
Jan 7, 2020 20:33
|
|
|
Why was the ghost arrested at the campsite? Possession within tent
|
|
#
?
Jan 7, 2020 21:50
|
|
|
Ayyub wakes one day to find that there's an ostrich with its head in his toilet, drinking the water like it's a fresh, unpolluted pond. He gets a broom and tries to shoo away the bird, but it stays put. He gets a knife and tries to threaten the bird, but it's not impressed. He gets his rifle and points it at the bird, but comes too close, allowing it to snatch it right out of his hands with its wet beak and toss it out the bathroom window. Quite embarrassed, he calls up his friend Wayne and asks him if he can take care of the problem. Within thirty minutes, Wayne is chasing the ostrich out of the house and into his truck. "Wow, you really took care of that quickly," says Ayyub. "Yeah, I'm pretty good at chasing birds out of bathrooms. They even gave me a dumb nickname for it back in England," says Wayne. "Oh? What's the nickname?" Wayne sighs before continuing on. "They always used to say Wayne is Beakness Leaving the Potty."
|
|
#
?
Jan 10, 2020 16:40
|
|
|
Supersonic Shine posted:Ayyub wakes one day to find that there's an ostrich with its head in his toilet, drinking the water like it's a fresh, unpolluted pond. He gets a broom and tries to shoo away the bird, but it stays put. He gets a knife and tries to threaten the bird, but it's not impressed. He gets his rifle and points it at the bird, but comes too close, allowing it to snatch it right out of his hands with its wet beak and toss it out the bathroom window. Quite embarrassed, he calls up his friend Wayne and asks him if he can take care of the problem. that was terrible
|
|
#
?
Jan 11, 2020 06:25
|
|
|
Supersonic Shine posted:Wayne is Beakness Leaving the Potty." I know this is a pun of some kind, but I don't know the expression it's referencing.
|
|
#
?
Jan 11, 2020 06:37
|
|
|
Beachcomber posted:I know this is a pun of some kind, but I don't know the expression it's referencing. Pain is weakness leaving the body.
|
|
#
?
Jan 11, 2020 06:40
|
|
|
Beachcomber posted:I know this is a pun of some kind, but I don't know the expression it's referencing. Pain is weakness leaving the body. Edit: DAMMIT
|
|
#
?
Jan 11, 2020 06:41
|
|
|
it's still terrible
|
|
#
?
Jan 11, 2020 07:04
|
|
|
dee eight posted:it's still terrible
|
|
#
?
Jan 11, 2020 07:56
|
|
|
I thought for sure the guy was named Ayyub to force a stupid pun later. Great misdirect
|
|
#
?
Jan 11, 2020 18:16
|
|
|
RJWaters2 posted:I thought for sure the guy was named Ayyub to force a stupid pun later. Great misdirect Yeah, good Job.
|
|
#
?
Jan 11, 2020 19:25
|
|
|
Absurd Alhazred posted:Yeah, good Job. 
|
|
#
?
Jan 11, 2020 21:11
|
|
|
Spent the last two days in the hospital and burned through the whole thread, as thanks here's the best joke in the thread from [checks the date] three years ago apparently?Al Cu Ad Solte posted:Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.
|
|
#
?
Jan 14, 2020 18:09
|
|
|
 It's a real good one and it's a lot of fun to tell
|
|
#
?
Jan 14, 2020 19:37
|
|
|
Evilreaver posted:Spent the last two days in the hospital and burned through the whole thread, as thanks here's the best joke in the thread from [checks the date] three years ago apparently? This is my absolute favorite joke to tell in a group setting. The key is to really whip your arms around, and headbang as hard as you're able to. The punchline should have to be shouted in short spurts on your up-swing, "YOU GUYS.... I THINK..... IFUCKEDUP" I like to made Guy 1 a simple, well-meaning easily pleased guy that contrasts with Guy 2 being a psychotically ambitions but ultimately benevolent demi-god by the end of the joke.
|
|
#
?
Jan 14, 2020 20:15
|
|
|
I'm a narcissist, and still think the best joke was when someone called me a magical flying dildo.
|
|
#
?
Jan 15, 2020 06:26
|
|
|
Mr. Bad Guy posted:This is my absolute favorite joke to tell in a group setting. The key is to really whip your arms around, and headbang as hard as you're able to. The punchline should have to be shouted in short spurts on your up-swing, "YOU GUYS.... I THINK..... IFUCKEDUP" I like to made Guy 1 a simple, well-meaning easily pleased guy that contrasts with Guy 2 being a psychotically ambitions but ultimately benevolent demi-god by the end of the joke. Today I dropped it on my housemate and he thought it was the funniest thing ever. Late at work my coworkers just stared at me like cows. Told it the same way both times. Conclusion; coworkers dumb.
|
|
#
?
Jan 15, 2020 06:58
|
|
|
WarpedNaba posted:I'm a narcissist, and still think the best joke was when someone called me a magical flying dildo. I have bad news for you - they were in deadly earnest.
|
|
#
?
Jan 15, 2020 13:15
|
|
|
Jedit posted:I have bad news for you - they were in deadly earnest. drat that series got dark.
|
|
#
?
Jan 15, 2020 15:34
|
|
|
WarpedNaba posted:I'm a narcissist, and still think the best joke was when someone called me a magical flying dildo. The most scarousing avatar/post combo.
|
|
#
?
Jan 15, 2020 17:42
|
|
|
Why shouldn't you buy pants from Pripyat? Chernobyl fallout
|
|
#
?
Jan 15, 2020 19:35
|
|
|
Evilreaver posted:Spent the last two days in the hospital and burned through the whole thread, as thanks here's the best joke in the thread from [checks the date] three years ago apparently? I started laughing like two words in because I remembered it instantly and it is indeed 10000% the best joke in the thread
|
|
#
?
Jan 16, 2020 01:52
|
|
|
On my phone so I don't have it but I did enjoy the one with the probation. Especially because there was a page of people trying to figure out what the joke was while the probation went through. Not exactly one you can tell to other people though.
|
|
#
?
Jan 16, 2020 04:16
|
|
|
Garrand posted:On my phone so I don't have it but I did enjoy the one with the probation. Especially because there was a page of people trying to figure out what the joke was while the probation went through. Aeser, User and Osser?
|
|
#
?
Jan 16, 2020 07:18
|
|
|
Phy posted:Aeser, User and Osser? I think that one was in the last iteration of the joke thread, wasn’t it?
|
|
#
?
Jan 16, 2020 07:32
|
|
|
Yase (the joke was originally posted without the spoilered bit) Melaneus posted:The Parable of the Sheepherder's Fence Post
|
|
#
?
Jan 16, 2020 21:46
|
|
|
Phy posted:Yase Lol at the probe reason
|
|
#
?
Jan 16, 2020 21:59
|
|
|
A bar owner was looking for a regular musician to play the piano there on particular days of the week. He didn't have the best budget for such a thing and the local pickings were slim anyway. Eventually he manages to get in touch with a guy who didn't need the money all that much but just loved playing the piano. He was willing to consider doing it cheap so the bartender had him come in for an audition. The pianist came in and the bartender asked him to play one of his best songs. The music was gorgeous; the bartender was practically moved to tears. He had never heard the song before but it was astonishing. "What do you call that?" he asked. "Oh, that's a little song I wrote I like to call The Police Just Called and Your Entire Family Died in a Horrible Car Crash." "Wow," the bartender replied. "I'd love to have you play that here but just...don't tell anybody what it's called. Well, what else do you have?" The pianist plays another piece and says "I call that one I hosed Your Wife in the rear end Last Night." Despite the name the music was incredible. The bartender asked the pianist to be a regular musician at the bar under the condition that he not tell the patrons what the songs are called. The pianist agreed. The first night he played was a massive hit; the patrons all loved the music and listened to the pianist play for hours. Eventually the pianist had to do what people have to do and excused himself to use the bathroom. When he came out he had apparently not paid very close attention and had not done the best job of zipping up his pants. One of the patrons looked at him and said "hey, do you know your pants are unzipped and your penis is hanging out?" The pianist replied "Know it? I wrote it!" ToxicSlurpee has a new favorite as of 16:23 on Jan 17, 2020 |
|
#
?
Jan 17, 2020 15:41
|
|
|
Evilreaver posted:Spent the last two days in the hospital and burned through the whole thread, as thanks here's the best joke in the thread from [checks the date] three years ago apparently? Eight hours later I'm still cracking up.
|
|
#
?
Jan 17, 2020 22:16
|
|
|
Evilreaver posted:Spent the last two days in the hospital and burned through the whole thread, as thanks here's the best joke in the thread from [checks the date] three years ago apparently? I missed this the first time it was posted, so this was my first time seeing it. The first time I read it, I said "yeah, okay.  " I couldn't tell why people thought it was so funny.But every so often I think about it and I laugh a little more. Today, for no reason at all, I said "Guys, I think I hosed up" to myself and laughed for a couple seconds straight. I don't know what this joke has done to me but I think I like it.
|
|
#
?
Jan 18, 2020 01:37
|
|
|
ToxicSlurpee posted:Pianist joke Holy poo poo lol
|
|
#
?
Jan 18, 2020 02:14
|
|
|
SneezeOfTheDecade posted:I missed this the first time it was posted, so this was my first time seeing it. It's been my go to joke since I read it in this thread. Fan-fuckin-tastic
|
|
#
?
Jan 22, 2020 04:06
|
|
|
What pairs well with Coronavirus? Lyme disease
|
|
#
?
Jan 28, 2020 04:50
|
|
|
Elendil004 posted:What pairs well with Coronavirus? I am both impressed and disturbed at the same time. I like it.
|
|
#
?
Jan 28, 2020 09:06
|
|
|
Stole this from Reddit: A clueless husband was sitting next to his pregnant wife, who was going through labour pains. He asks her "I'm sorry, honey... What's wrong?" She yells "The contractions are killing me!!" He responds: "I am sorry, honey. What is wrong?"
|
|
#
?
Jan 28, 2020 23:47
|
|
|
Rupert Buttermilk posted:Stole this from Reddit: This is a good joke, but I think English Professor would work better than 'clueless husband'.
|
|
#
?
Jan 28, 2020 23:58
|
|
|
|
| # ? May 11, 2024 04:22 |
|
|
Beachcomber posted:This is a good joke, but I think English Professor would work better than 'clueless husband'. I just tried this joke out on my girlfriend and received an eye roll for a response.
|
|
#
?
Jan 29, 2020 00:07
|
|