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  • Locked thread
Bored
Jul 26, 2007

Dude, ix-nay on the oice-vay.

Egbert Souse posted:

I stole all the copper wiring out of your air conditioner, but replaced the unit with a more energy efficient model better suited for your size home.

P.S. Also installed the new updates on your iPad for you
gently caress! Now none of my art programs will work

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numberoneposter
Feb 19, 2014



my car was gone but there was $20 left on the table and a card for the local cab company

phasmid
Jan 16, 2015

OH OK SURE CALL ANYONE YOU DISAGREE WITH A NAZI. YOU'RE THE *REAL* NAZI!

I am stupid, put me on ignore so you don't have to hear my dog whistling.


If you find any of the stuff my ferret hid, would you please return them? Also, my ferret is missing. Pretty sure he found the ring of invisibility. Either that or he's dead. TIA.

MiracleWhale
Jun 30, 2015




i've stolen all of the chips and mountain dew from your kitchen and replaced them with healthy alternatives like celery stalks and almond milk. no need to thank me

Captain Splashback
Jan 1, 2007

BY APPOINTMENT TO HER MAJESTY
QUEEN ELIZABETH II
SPLASHBACK HOLDINGS LTD
PUCKINS AND PRINTERS PURVEYORS


OP, did you Steal All My Trees?

Egbert Souse
Nov 6, 2008

Well, it's alright to borrow from each other. What we must never do is borrow from ourselves.


phasmid posted:

If you find any of the stuff my ferret hid, would you please return them? Also, my ferret is missing. Pretty sure he found the ring of invisibility. Either that or he's dead. TIA.

Found the ferret, he was shut in your closet. Also, he seems deficient in vitamin B, so you might want to have him checked out.


P.S. Helped myself to a PB&J sandwich and ran the dishwasher for you.

phasmid
Jan 16, 2015

OH OK SURE CALL ANYONE YOU DISAGREE WITH A NAZI. YOU'RE THE *REAL* NAZI!

I am stupid, put me on ignore so you don't have to hear my dog whistling.


Egbert Souse posted:

Found the ferret, he was shut in your closet. Also, he seems deficient in vitamin B, so you might want to have him checked out.


P.S. Helped myself to a PB&J sandwich and ran the dishwasher for you.

Bless you, burglar man.

Mariana Horchata
Jun 30, 2008

She said real life
sucks losers dry
If you want to fuck
with the eagles
you have to learn to fly






College Slice

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FH-YA56mW5E

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vltC-O7PDYQ

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x9MInMlhAg0

dont u dare gently caress with Herb Alpert

Mariana Horchata fucked around with this message at Jun 16, 2016 around 02:39

Egbert Souse
Nov 6, 2008

Well, it's alright to borrow from each other. What we must never do is borrow from ourselves.



I took your limited edition vinyls, but left a hundred copies of Whipped Cream and Other Delights for you.

MiracleWhale
Jun 30, 2015




i got on your computer and emptied out your bank account but i think you're really going to appreciate the increased returns on your new investment portfolio

Chief McHeath
Apr 23, 2002


Your dumb rear end kids left all the kitchen cabinets open after unloading the dishwasher. I closed em for ya.

Mariana Horchata
Jun 30, 2008

She said real life
sucks losers dry
If you want to fuck
with the eagles
you have to learn to fly






College Slice

Egbert Souse posted:

I took your limited edition vinyls, but left a hundred copies of Whipped Cream and Other Delights for you.

Captain Splashback
Jan 1, 2007

BY APPOINTMENT TO HER MAJESTY
QUEEN ELIZABETH II
SPLASHBACK HOLDINGS LTD
PUCKINS AND PRINTERS PURVEYORS


All you're hamburgers are belong to us. Special Ed

MiracleWhale
Jun 30, 2015




i've stolen all your jackets, but i left you some head and shoulders because i noticed you have a dandruff problem and i'm going to have to dry clean these jackets

Ork of Fiction
Jul 22, 2013

In paradise, your teeth will grow back. I promise!
In paradise, I'll hide my laughter. I promise!


*opens medicine cabinet and Herbal Remedies book falls out*

Tricky D
Mar 31, 2005



I hate Safetouch™!!

phasmid
Jan 16, 2015

OH OK SURE CALL ANYONE YOU DISAGREE WITH A NAZI. YOU'RE THE *REAL* NAZI!

I am stupid, put me on ignore so you don't have to hear my dog whistling.


I also know that you might be busy looking for modes of egress but my gf has this really obnoxious fake moose head that she insists stay up in the living room. Could you maybe take it down? I don't care what you do with it, it's just so tacky and if I can say "Oh no, we've been burgled" I can avoid suspicion.

Devils Affricate
Jan 22, 2010


What are you gonna do with all this stuff OP

Egbert Souse
Nov 6, 2008

Well, it's alright to borrow from each other. What we must never do is borrow from ourselves.


Devils Affricate posted:

What are you gonna do with all this stuff OP

Goodwill


By the way, I had to break down a door to get in, but I ordered a replacement that will be delivered tomorrow.

MiracleWhale
Jun 30, 2015




Egbert Souse posted:

Goodwill


By the way, I had to break down a door to get in, but I ordered a replacement that will be delivered tomorrow.

i had to smash a window to gain entry but i'm pretty handy with lead solder and i think you'll enjoy your new stained glass depiction of the dragon and st. george

other people
Jun 27, 2004
Associate Christ

Dave_Indeed posted:

I'm super concerned with the security of my home despite living in the middle of nowhere. Any time someone pulls into my drive way to turn around I turn all the lights off and grab one of the guns by the door.

Get out of my loving drive way.

I had a weirdo neighbour who would always park at the end of their driveway (nearest the road) so no other car could pull in. So, you could be like them, weirdo.

Egbert Souse
Nov 6, 2008

Well, it's alright to borrow from each other. What we must never do is borrow from ourselves.


Dear Mrs.

Thank you for your warm welcome last night. It was a pleasure staying up late watching the Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants movies. I'll be coming back tomorrow night since I accidentally swiped a piece of jewelry that is much higher in value than I anticipated and would like to exchange for a lesser quality item. I'll also bring my copy of Ghosts of Girlfriends Past with me.

Snatch Duster
Feb 20, 2007

by FactsAreUseless


Given this country’s current political climate, it’s really no surprise that gun sales are through the roof. Many would-be first-time gun owners are anxious to purchase a home-defense gun before more stringent gun laws are passed. Most people looking to purchase their first firearm have a long list of questions. Handgun or long gun? Pistol or revolver? Shotgun or rifle? What about caliber and ammunition type? Finally, how can the gun be stored so it is both ready for home defense, and inaccessible to curious children and criminals?

Of course, when faced with a lethal threat, any gun is better than no gun. But what is the best gun for home defense? Unfortunately, there is no firearm that is perfectly suited for every person or circumstance. Rather than purchasing a gun based solely on the recommendation of a friend, family member, gun shop owner or because it was featured in in the latest issue of Guns & Ammo, you should consider the capabilities of those who will potentially use the gun to thwart a home invasion.

Pistols and Revolvers
Laymen often refer to all handguns as pistols, but this is incorrect. The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines a pistol as, “a handgun whose chamber is integral to the breach.” Obviously, this definition precludes revolvers.

The overwhelming majority of pistols are semi-automatic, which means after they are fired, a new round is automatically chambered from the magazine. This cycle is repeated with each trigger pull until all of the ammunition is depleted. While there are a myriad of pistol designs on the market, most pistols are easier to shoot than revolvers, thanks in large part to their lighter trigger pull. The lighter the trigger pull, the less likely the gun will move off-target as the pistol is fired.

Although pistols tend to be easier to shoot accurately, they are more complicated to operate than revolvers. To clear a malfunction or reload under stress takes considerable practice. In addition, many pistols have external safety mechanisms that must be disengaged in order to fire the pistol. This too can be an obstacle for an inexperienced shooter or one operating under the stress of a life and death encounter.

For home defense, a full-size pistol is an excellent choice, assuming those who may need to shoot it can comfortably grip the pistol for maximum control. To determine whether your hand is big enough for a particular pistol, grip it so that the slide is aligned with the middle of your forearm. While holding the gun in this manner, ensure that you can comfortably reach the trigger without changing your grip. You should also make sure that other controls—such as the magazine release, slide release and external safety (if applicable)—are within reach while you maintain a shooting grip on the pistol.

While some may dismiss revolvers as mere relics, they are viable home-defense handguns. Detractors will point out that revolvers tend to have a lower ammunition capacity than pistols, which means you’ll have fewer shots before you’ll need to reload. Reloading a revolver is also more difficult—particularly under stress—than a semi-automatic pistol because it has multiple chambers. However, when it comes to reliability, nothing beats a revolver.

Since revolvers are comprised of fewer parts, there’s less chance of the gun malfunctioning. Revolvers are also easier to operate, allowing for virtual point-and-shoot functionality. In the rare case of a malfunction, the shooter need only pull the trigger again. This act rotates the cylinder so that a new round aligns with the barrel.

Shotguns and Rifles
The shotgun is considered by many to be the ultimate home defense weapon. While there is no disputing the effectiveness of a shotgun, there are certainly drawbacks to using a shotgun inside the home.

The shotgun’s extended sight radius—along with the fact that it enables you to have both hands on the weapon while achieving a cheek weld and shoulder mount—makes it easier to aim than a handgun. It’s important to realize when hunting fowl with a shotgun, it’s often said the shotgun should be “pointed” rather than aimed. However, when you are confronting a criminal inside your residence, you need to aim; contrary to popular opinion, you can miss with a shotgun.

Since the shotgun is designed to be operated with two hands, opening doors, turning on lights and other seemingly routine tasks associated with searching your home for a bad guy can be a bit of a challenge. Another concern is the shotgun’s barrel length, which can make it difficult to maneuver around corners without telegraphing your intent.

If you load your shotgun with 00 buckshot, it may be difficult to ensure that all eight or nine pellets (depending on the brand) hit your intended target. While it may not take all of the pellets to incapacitate your adversary, stray pellets could injure or kill the very people you intend to protect.

Rifled slugs can be very accurate, but there are tremendous over-penetration issues associated with these projectiles. With slugs you need to worry about your neighbors as well as the occupants of your own home.

The use of birdshot in a home defense shotgun is somewhat controversial. While over-penetration is certainly mitigated, many speculate as to whether birdshot would incapacitate a determined assailant.

There’s no doubt that a rifle is easier to shoot accurately that handgun. Rifles like the immensely popular AR-15 platform afford you increased ballistic performance and higher ammunition capacity than most other firearms. However, they share many of the limitations of a shotgun when it comes to clearing your residence in search of an intruder. Rifles and other shoulder-fired weapons also tend to be less accessible than handguns during a home defense situation.

Caliber and Ammunition
In theory, the larger the bullet you hit the bad guy with, the better. After all, a bigger bullet will tend to produce a more significant wound, which is more likely to stop an attacker. However, a hit with a 9mm bullet beats a miss with a .45-caliber bullet every day of the week.

When you consider most gunshot wounds are survivable regardless of caliber, the importance of shot placement is clear. While being shot with any type of firearm is likely to have an effect on your adversary, shots to the thoracic cavity and cranial vault are most likely to quickly incapacitate the attacker, thus stopping the threat.

Many consider .45-caliber to be the only handgun round suited for personal combat. However, for a shooter with smaller hands, the enhanced control from a 9mm pistol’s slimmer grip and softer recoil may more than make up for its lesser ballistic capability compared to the .45. Also, today’s technologically advanced hollow-point bullets make even smaller caliber bullets capable of stopping a deadly threat.

You may be tempted to purchase less expensive full metal jacket or “ball” ammunition for your home-defense gun. While ball ammo is fine for training, it can be very problematic in a home-defense situation. Ball ammunition is likely to pass through a bad guy, which not only minimizes the effect of the bullet but also increases the likelihood of the bullet striking an unintended target, such as a family member. In fact, it’s not uncommon for ball ammunition fired from a handgun to penetrate multiple interior residential walls.

For home defense, hollow-point ammunition is the only way to go. Hollow-point bullets are designed for optimal expansion upon impact. This creates a larger wound and produces a “parachute” effect, which helps contain the bullet.

Storage
The storage of firearms within the home has always been a bit of a conundrum. If you keep the gun loaded and easily accessible, you may be prepared for a break-in, but you may also be setting yourself up for a tragedy. The last thing any responsible gun owner wants is for a child or irresponsible adult to find a loaded firearm.

At the other end of the spectrum, you have the homeowner who purchases a gun for home defense, yet leaves the gun unloaded and secured in a safe. While storing a firearm in this manner is almost certain to keep it out of the wrong hands, it makes it pretty tough to have in your own hand when you need it.

One of the best ways I’ve found to store a home defense handgun is to use a biometric safe. A biometric safe is programmed to open nearly instantaneously when it detects an authorized user’s fingerprint. These safes, which are typically mounted to a nightstand, allow you to decide who has access to the loaded firearm that is almost immediately accessible. Biometric safes often carry a price tag of around $200-300, but in my opinion, they are very worthwhile investments.

Egbert Souse
Nov 6, 2008

Well, it's alright to borrow from each other. What we must never do is borrow from ourselves.


Snatch Duster posted:

Given this country’s current political climate, it’s really no surprise that gun sales are through the roof. Many would-be first-time gun owners are anxious to purchase a home-defense gun before more stringent gun laws are passed. Most people looking to purchase their first firearm have a long list of questions. Handgun or long gun? Pistol or revolver? Shotgun or rifle? What about caliber and ammunition type? Finally, how can the gun be stored so it is both ready for home defense, and inaccessible to curious children and criminals?

Of course, when faced with a lethal threat, any gun is better than no gun. But what is the best gun for home defense? Unfortunately, there is no firearm that is perfectly suited for every person or circumstance. Rather than purchasing a gun based solely on the recommendation of a friend, family member, gun shop owner or because it was featured in in the latest issue of Guns & Ammo, you should consider the capabilities of those who will potentially use the gun to thwart a home invasion.

Pistols and Revolvers
Laymen often refer to all handguns as pistols, but this is incorrect. The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines a pistol as, “a handgun whose chamber is integral to the breach.” Obviously, this definition precludes revolvers.

The overwhelming majority of pistols are semi-automatic, which means after they are fired, a new round is automatically chambered from the magazine. This cycle is repeated with each trigger pull until all of the ammunition is depleted. While there are a myriad of pistol designs on the market, most pistols are easier to shoot than revolvers, thanks in large part to their lighter trigger pull. The lighter the trigger pull, the less likely the gun will move off-target as the pistol is fired.

Although pistols tend to be easier to shoot accurately, they are more complicated to operate than revolvers. To clear a malfunction or reload under stress takes considerable practice. In addition, many pistols have external safety mechanisms that must be disengaged in order to fire the pistol. This too can be an obstacle for an inexperienced shooter or one operating under the stress of a life and death encounter.

For home defense, a full-size pistol is an excellent choice, assuming those who may need to shoot it can comfortably grip the pistol for maximum control. To determine whether your hand is big enough for a particular pistol, grip it so that the slide is aligned with the middle of your forearm. While holding the gun in this manner, ensure that you can comfortably reach the trigger without changing your grip. You should also make sure that other controls—such as the magazine release, slide release and external safety (if applicable)—are within reach while you maintain a shooting grip on the pistol.

While some may dismiss revolvers as mere relics, they are viable home-defense handguns. Detractors will point out that revolvers tend to have a lower ammunition capacity than pistols, which means you’ll have fewer shots before you’ll need to reload. Reloading a revolver is also more difficult—particularly under stress—than a semi-automatic pistol because it has multiple chambers. However, when it comes to reliability, nothing beats a revolver.

Since revolvers are comprised of fewer parts, there’s less chance of the gun malfunctioning. Revolvers are also easier to operate, allowing for virtual point-and-shoot functionality. In the rare case of a malfunction, the shooter need only pull the trigger again. This act rotates the cylinder so that a new round aligns with the barrel.

Shotguns and Rifles
The shotgun is considered by many to be the ultimate home defense weapon. While there is no disputing the effectiveness of a shotgun, there are certainly drawbacks to using a shotgun inside the home.

The shotgun’s extended sight radius—along with the fact that it enables you to have both hands on the weapon while achieving a cheek weld and shoulder mount—makes it easier to aim than a handgun. It’s important to realize when hunting fowl with a shotgun, it’s often said the shotgun should be “pointed” rather than aimed. However, when you are confronting a criminal inside your residence, you need to aim; contrary to popular opinion, you can miss with a shotgun.

Since the shotgun is designed to be operated with two hands, opening doors, turning on lights and other seemingly routine tasks associated with searching your home for a bad guy can be a bit of a challenge. Another concern is the shotgun’s barrel length, which can make it difficult to maneuver around corners without telegraphing your intent.

If you load your shotgun with 00 buckshot, it may be difficult to ensure that all eight or nine pellets (depending on the brand) hit your intended target. While it may not take all of the pellets to incapacitate your adversary, stray pellets could injure or kill the very people you intend to protect.

Rifled slugs can be very accurate, but there are tremendous over-penetration issues associated with these projectiles. With slugs you need to worry about your neighbors as well as the occupants of your own home.

The use of birdshot in a home defense shotgun is somewhat controversial. While over-penetration is certainly mitigated, many speculate as to whether birdshot would incapacitate a determined assailant.

There’s no doubt that a rifle is easier to shoot accurately that handgun. Rifles like the immensely popular AR-15 platform afford you increased ballistic performance and higher ammunition capacity than most other firearms. However, they share many of the limitations of a shotgun when it comes to clearing your residence in search of an intruder. Rifles and other shoulder-fired weapons also tend to be less accessible than handguns during a home defense situation.

Caliber and Ammunition
In theory, the larger the bullet you hit the bad guy with, the better. After all, a bigger bullet will tend to produce a more significant wound, which is more likely to stop an attacker. However, a hit with a 9mm bullet beats a miss with a .45-caliber bullet every day of the week.

When you consider most gunshot wounds are survivable regardless of caliber, the importance of shot placement is clear. While being shot with any type of firearm is likely to have an effect on your adversary, shots to the thoracic cavity and cranial vault are most likely to quickly incapacitate the attacker, thus stopping the threat.

Many consider .45-caliber to be the only handgun round suited for personal combat. However, for a shooter with smaller hands, the enhanced control from a 9mm pistol’s slimmer grip and softer recoil may more than make up for its lesser ballistic capability compared to the .45. Also, today’s technologically advanced hollow-point bullets make even smaller caliber bullets capable of stopping a deadly threat.

You may be tempted to purchase less expensive full metal jacket or “ball” ammunition for your home-defense gun. While ball ammo is fine for training, it can be very problematic in a home-defense situation. Ball ammunition is likely to pass through a bad guy, which not only minimizes the effect of the bullet but also increases the likelihood of the bullet striking an unintended target, such as a family member. In fact, it’s not uncommon for ball ammunition fired from a handgun to penetrate multiple interior residential walls.

For home defense, hollow-point ammunition is the only way to go. Hollow-point bullets are designed for optimal expansion upon impact. This creates a larger wound and produces a “parachute” effect, which helps contain the bullet.

Storage
The storage of firearms within the home has always been a bit of a conundrum. If you keep the gun loaded and easily accessible, you may be prepared for a break-in, but you may also be setting yourself up for a tragedy. The last thing any responsible gun owner wants is for a child or irresponsible adult to find a loaded firearm.

At the other end of the spectrum, you have the homeowner who purchases a gun for home defense, yet leaves the gun unloaded and secured in a safe. While storing a firearm in this manner is almost certain to keep it out of the wrong hands, it makes it pretty tough to have in your own hand when you need it.

One of the best ways I’ve found to store a home defense handgun is to use a biometric safe. A biometric safe is programmed to open nearly instantaneously when it detects an authorized user’s fingerprint. These safes, which are typically mounted to a nightstand, allow you to decide who has access to the loaded firearm that is almost immediately accessible. Biometric safes often carry a price tag of around $200-300, but in my opinion, they are very worthwhile investments.

The only weapon I carry is my charming smile.

clitical hit
Nov 21, 2015



*i break in your home wearing this*

Zorodius
Feb 11, 2007

EA GAMES' MASTERPIECE 'MADDEN 2018 G.O.A.T. EDITION' IS A GLORIOUS TRIUMPH OF ART AND TECHNOLOGY. IT BRINGS GAMEDAY RIGHT TO THE PLAYER AND WHOEVER SAYS OTHERWISE CAN, YOU GUESSED IT...
SUCK THE SHIT STRAIGHT OUT OF MY OWN ASSHOLE.

BUY IT.


I keep a chainsaw for home defense, gassed up and good to go

Bored
Jul 26, 2007

Dude, ix-nay on the oice-vay.

Hey, so your dog peed a little bit when I walked in after breaking the lock. I'm guessing you've been out for a while. I'm gonna go ahead and take her out to go potty before I carry your TV to my van.

Edit:stupid autocorrect

Bored fucked around with this message at Aug 15, 2016 around 00:17

Friginator
May 13, 2014

by zen death robot


I like to break into peoples houses and replace their Radiohead records with Coldplay records.

AKA Pseudonym
May 16, 2004

A dashing and sophisticated young man

Doctor Rope

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ngjUT3HTFC0

Mammal Sauce
Apr 26, 2004

My Mammal Sauce is the best Mammal Sauce
I spread Mammal Sauce on my wang
We make Mammal Sauce in Bill William's loft
And we eat a bucket of Tang

Egbert Souse posted:

*Stands over bed of sleeping couple while wearing a ski mask*

Excuse me, sir, where do you keep your Herb Alpert LPs? Also, I noticed you had some broken jewelry in your kitchen drawer.

Also, do you want Colombian or decaf for your coffee in the morning? I'll set the timer for you.

I didn't know my brother in law was on something awful.....

Automatic Retard
Oct 21, 2010

PUT THIS WANKSTAIN ON IGNORE


Bored posted:

Lol, turd burglar

Lol, toilet humour

Egbert Souse
Nov 6, 2008

Well, it's alright to borrow from each other. What we must never do is borrow from ourselves.


I noticed you were missing the last season of Frasier, so I left you a copy from another house.

Also took your Scarface and Animal House posters because you're too old to still have those from college.

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ADBOT LOVES YOU

Iron Prince
Aug 28, 2005


Buglord

u can NEVER take my retardation

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