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Ferdinand I of Austria: Portrait of Kaiser Ferdinand I, c. 1830  Photograph of the aged Ferdinand dated circa 1870 He married Maria Anna of Savoy, the sixth child of Victor Emmanuel I of Sardinia. They had no issue. Ferdinand was incapable of ruling his empire because of his mental deficiency, so his father, before he died, drafted a will promulgating that he consult Archduke Louis on every aspect of internal policy, and urged him to be influenced by Prince Metternich, Austria's foreign minister. As the revolutionaries of 1848 were marching on the palace, he is supposed to have asked Metternich for an explanation. When Metternich answered that they were making a revolution, Ferdinand is supposed to have said “But are they allowed to do that?” (Viennese German: Ja, dürfen's denn des?) He was convinced by Felix zu Schwarzenberg to abdicate in favour of his nephew, Franz Joseph (the next in line was Ferdinand's younger brother Franz Karl, but he was persuaded to waive his succession rights in favour of his son) who would occupy the Austrian throne for the next sixty-eight years. He is best remembered for his one coherent command, to his cook when told he could not have apricot dumplings (Marillenknödel) because apricots were out of season. He said "I am the Emperor, and I want dumplings!" (German: Ich bin der Kaiser und ich will Knödel!). I would have served him proudly! :austria: 
Hogge Wild has a new favorite as of 12:37 on Jun 30, 2016 |
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Jun 30, 2016 12:34
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Francesco II Gattilusio, Count of Lesbos: Fairly run-of-the-mill XIV century noble. He was indirectly killed by a scorpion. Namely, he was stung by one and screamed for help, and so many servants ran into the room to help that the floor gave way, and poor old Francesco went squish. The scorpion was last seen fleeing the room, quite alive.
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Jun 30, 2016 12:52
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my dad posted:Francesco II Gattilusio, Count of Lesbos: lol
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Jun 30, 2016 13:08
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Hogge Wild posted:He married Maria Anna of Savoy, the sixth child of Victor Emmanuel I of Sardinia. They had no issue. Ferdinand was incapable of ruling his empire because of his mental deficiency, so his father, before he died, drafted a will promulgating that he consult Archduke Louis on every aspect of internal policy, and urged him to be influenced by Prince Metternich, Austria's foreign minister. You forgot to mention just what his mental deficiency was: he was severely, incredibly epileptic. He was recorded as having as many as 20 seizures per day, making him totally incapable of ruling for more than a few minutes most of the time before convulsing. He died without any heirs, as he had 5 seizures just trying to consummate his marriage.
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Jun 30, 2016 14:24
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Franz Ferdinand liked to huntquote:Before that moment in which he himself was shot, Ferdinand personally dispatched no less than 274,889 creatures of various species. That works out to about an average of fifteen kills per day, everyday of his life, if you do the math with him beginning his hunting career at one-year-old. Even by the standards of his day, one in which European males of aristocratic lineage were expected to demonstrate their dominance over nature by travelling the world and gunning it down, Ferdinand was simply in a league of his own. http://www.guns.com/2011/04/18/the-archduke-franz-ferdinand-colonial-hunterd/ (dodgy source I guess but it was the only one I could find that had the quote I wanted)
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Jun 30, 2016 15:38
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Fair play to Ferdinand, those dumplings look real good.
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Jun 30, 2016 16:53
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Cross post from cool historical facts thread: Fu Hao was one of the wives of King Wu Ding of Shang in roughly 1200 B.C Why was she cool? Well, she was the foremost military leader of her day in addition to being a high priestess, unusual for her day. She defeated the Tu-Fang in a single decisive battle and went on to defeat the Yi, Qiang and Ba, a big deal. We know this from oracle bone inscriptions and her nearly intact tomb found in the 70's which contained inscribed ritual vessels and weapons of war. You should all look up the story of how the Shang dynasty was re-discovered and the story of oracle bones, amongst the coolest stories in archaeology.
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Jun 30, 2016 18:38
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Red Bones posted:Fair play to Ferdinand, those dumplings look real good. haha they really are after i read about him i made some, a+ would recommend
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Jun 30, 2016 18:51
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Charles II of Spain Come on, you all knew this guy was coming. Charles II (or Carlos II) was known as El Hechizado (The Bewitched) for being the prime example of Habsburg genetics. For those who forgot, the Habsburg royal family engaged in extreme inbreeding and inter-marrying to consolidate power since the 11th century until they maintained control over the entirety of Europe at some point in their existence, including controlling the Holy Roman Empire from 1438 to 1740. Emperors, kings, and queens of the Habsburgs ruled virtually every major power in Europe during their heyday. The line eventually split into Spanish and Austrian lines, and Charles II was the finale of the Spanish line. As you can see from his portrait, being the product of a man loving his niece after centuries of further inbreeding doesn't leave you looking too handsome. Charles II was essentially incompetent at even the most minor noble duties, having not been forced to attend school as a child to avoid overtaxing him and not even being expected to bathe or brush his hair. The famous Habsburg Chin was so prominent that his deformed jaw made it nearly impossible for him to speak or chew. He took command during a time when Spain was in crisis, so he was basically ignored until palace intrigue controlled the country. Charles was fragile of both mind and body, demanding that the corpses of his family be exhumed so he could stare at them. Even the most basic duties of a king were too much for the young mutant to bear, and when he was in his 30s he officially retired after a nervous breakdown. He lived a simple life of playing games until he finally died five days before his 39th birthday. The physician who autopsied him described his body thusly: quote:His body "did not contain a single drop of blood; his heart was the size of a peppercorn; his lungs corroded; his intestines rotten and gangrenous; he had a single testicle, black as coal, and his head was full of water." American historians called him "short, lame, epileptic, senile, and completely bald before 35, he was always on the verge of death, but repeatedly baffled Christendom by continuing to live." He never produced any heirs and was likely totally impotent and/or infertile, and so the entire Spanish line of the Habsburg dynasty died with him. The Austrian line followed 80 years later with the death of Maria Theresa Walburga Amalia Christina, the Holy Roman Empress. While there is a modern House of Habsburg-Lorraine, the bloodline had to be diluted to survive.
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Jun 30, 2016 19:22
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Charles II was actually more inbred than someone whose parents were siblings. The Hapsburg family tree was... narrow.
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Jun 30, 2016 19:47
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Centuries of inbreeding doesn't capture the reality as well as saying he was literally born a century after the last outbreeding in his family tree. Yes outbreeding is a word in that sense. Yes there's a very good reason why it isn't used very often. The family tree wasn't narrow so much as you can draw eight different circles on it. Also his monogram bears a surprising resemblance to the biohazard sign. xthetenth has a new favorite as of 20:04 on Jun 30, 2016 |
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Jun 30, 2016 20:02
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skip this post if you're sensitive to reading about horrible poo poo, because it's obviously time for  Gilles de Montmorency-Laval, Baron de Rais Gilles de Rais is one of the most notorious aristocrats in European history, if not the most notorious. de Rais made his name in the closing stages of the Hundred Years War, a close confidant and ally of Saint Joan of Arc and present at many of her battles, including the Siege of Orleans. He was as famous for his courage on the battlefield as he was infamous for his excessive spending habits. He was appointed Marshal of France in 1429, but retired from military life in 1434 to produce a ridiculously extravagant play dramatizing the Siege of Orleans. It had a cast of over 600 actors, all finely attired; after each performance all the costumes were thrown away so that a complete set of entirely new and very expensive costumes could be produced for each show. de Rais also provided unlimited free food and drink to all members of the audience. Production costs ran so high that he was forced to sell off or mortgage most of his family property, which eventually led his relatives to implore Charles VII to put a stop to it. The king responded by actually barring his subjects from making business arrangements with de Rais at all, but he continued to raise money by selling off and borrowing against his movable possessions such as his jewelry, wardrobe, furniture, etc. Finally, he fled to Brittany, where the lien against doing business with him did not apply. With his easy wealth and credit drying up, de Rais sought succor in the most obvious place: demon worship. He spent large sums of his remaining money locating and hiring occult experts to help him summon demons that would deliver him wealth and power. Frustrated by his continuous failure to make contact with the forces of Satan, de Rais was finally advised that only child sacrifice could propitiate the demons. Never one for half-measures, de Rais murdered upwards of 80 children, mostly boys but some girls. According to de Rais's confession and the testimony of his accomplices, he groomed the children by telling them and/or their parents that he wanted them to join his household, a very attractive proposition for most. The illusion was completed by providing them with fine clothing, food, drink, and other gifts. When the time was right, the kidnapped children were brought to room with de Rais and his accomplices, at which point they were told that they were about to be murdered so that de Rais could bask in their terror. In most cases, they would then be sexually abused by Gilles and/or his accomplices before being killed and then mutilated postmortem by a variety of methods. The accomplices testified that de Rais often preferred intercourse with the children after death, taking particular delight in loving open wounds. Finally, the bodies would be cut to pieces as de Rais delightedly examined the various dismembered parts, with the remains finally disposed of by burning and the ashes discretely discarded. de Rais finally went too far by kidnapping a priest, which led to an investigation by the Bishop of Nantes that uncovered his crimes. de Rais was tried in ecclesiastical court, and he and his accomplices implicated themselves and one another in voluminous, terrifying confessions. There was also copious testimony from the parents of the many, many children who had disappeared into his "care." After his conviction, de Rais was hanged and his body partially burned, but in light of his confession and cooperative attitude he was permitted a proper burial. The final count of his victims is unknown but widely supposed to be somewhere between 80 and 200, and the details related above are only those considered fit for public consumption; the Bishop of Nantes prevented many other details from being recorded as they were apparently too horrible to be written down. There is a school of thought that holds the entire murderous narrative was fabricated as part of a conflict between de Rais and the Catholic Church, also exploited for the benefit of the Duke of Brittany as a means of seizing de Rais's property in the Duchy. However, AFAIK most historians accept that he was a genuine serial killer.
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Jul 1, 2016 02:27
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 Noble was a wolf (who, due to Transformers stuff, was also a dragon) on Beast Machines. He was a very good Noble.
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Jul 1, 2016 04:15
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Jul 1, 2016 07:48
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EvanSchenck posted:skip this post if you're sensitive to reading about horrible poo poo, because it's obviously time for
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Jul 1, 2016 07:53
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Hogge Wild posted:haha they really are I made these tonight. They did not meet my lofty expectations.  I used the Austrian tourism site’s recipe on the basis that they ought to know what they’re talking about. Maybe I’ll try a version with potato dough or a syrup drizzled over them.
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Jul 1, 2016 08:18
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Jul 1, 2016 09:00
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Sālote Tupou III - first Queen regnant (and 3rd Monarch) of Tonga. b.1900 (r.1918) d.1965 So, I first learned about Sālote while reading about Queen Elizabeth II. In pretty much all accounts of Queen Elizabeth's coronation, you hear about the Queen of Tonga who rode with an open carriage despite the rain and of the (now allegedly wrongly attributed) Noël Coward quote in response to the question to who the man in the open carriage with Queen Sālote was -- "Her lunch".   (Reality: Sultan of Kalantan). While we may see it as a weight joke today, it actually caused some controversy as a cannibal legend in some people's mind. Most people, though may be wondering WHY was Sālote riding with her carriage roof open in the rain? Well, basically some say Tonga custom and that Sālote was showing her deference here, to the higher ranked Queen Elizabeth by doing the opposite of what Queen Elizabeth was doing ("one should not imitate the actions of the one they are honoring"), others say that Sālote insisted on showing herself to the people as they came to see Kings and Queens. Either way, she won hearts that day. Her story, however didn't start out that way. She was born to the "wrong mother". Sālote's father King George Tupou III had married Lavinia, and she was not popular due to her low rank. Sālote was their only child.  After Queen Lavinia's death, King George remarried only to produce two more girls (one dying young, the other at age 20 in 1933). Her grandson reigns as (George Tupou) VI, and is the second of her grandchildren to reign, being preceded by (George) Tupou V, and (Siaosi) Tupou IV. Sālote was also well known for her height, standing 6'3. Here she is next to Queen Elizabeth. Prince Phillip and Sālote's husband Viliami Tungī Mailefihi are in the background. 
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Jul 1, 2016 09:11
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 https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Principality_of_Hutt_River
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Jul 2, 2016 14:44
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Musa I of Mali The king of Mali, a man so rich that when he passed through Egypt on his pilgrimage to Mecca he caused an inflation that lasted for a decade. He's also responsible for the Djinguereber Mosque.
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Jul 2, 2016 16:00
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Motherfucking ARGON
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Jul 5, 2016 02:18
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The only good noble is a dead one.
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Jul 5, 2016 04:17
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Tiberius Thyben posted:The only good noble is a dead one. Oh yeah  Bling, bling, mothafucka
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Jul 5, 2016 04:22
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Jul 5, 2016 12:12
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Jul 5, 2016 12:20
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Ugly In The Morning posted:Charles II was actually more inbred than someone whose parents were siblings. The Hapsburg family tree was... narrow. Or as I tell students, it wasn't a family tree so much as a broom handle.
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Jul 5, 2016 13:07
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Alhazred posted:Musa I of Mali This is the realest poo poo right here. I wanna see extravagance of extravagance. I wanna see dudes who had so many wives, their country regressed centuries because of all the unmarried men. I wanna see queens who threw such baller fuckin' dances that people died of exhaustion and children were conceived and birthed all at the same party. I wanna see athletes and celebrities who did so many drugs in one night that their piss turned opalescent.
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Jul 5, 2016 13:08
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Then let me tell you of Mswati III the king of Swaziland who currently has 15 wives and 30 children between them. Which isn't that many if you think that his father had 70 wives and 210 children during his time, but hey, Mswati is only 48 so give the man some time. Getting new wives is easy, he has previously had an 18 year old high school student kidnapped from school to be made his wife. So yes, he's a bona fide rapist which of course is a nice feature for an absolute monarch. At least two girls are known to have escaped from his clutches. In 2001, in an attempt to curb the raging HIV epidemic, the king and one of his wives invoked an old chastity ritual which banned sex with girls under 18 years old, for a five year period. Mswati however broke his own ban only two months later when he knocked up his 13th wife, and had to pay one cow as a fine. Helpful for his quest to find nubile girls is the annual reed dance festival in which 40,000 topless girls dance in front of his majesty so he can pick whoever pleases him. Two first wives were chosen for him though. But not even the king's life is perfect. In 2010 his friend and finance minister Ndumiso Mamba was caught literally pants down in bed with Mswati's 12th wife. A list of his wives can be seen here: http://thisisafrica.me/queens-swaziland/ Most of his one million subjects sustain on $1.25/day while his majesty and his entourage get by with an annual household budget of $61m, also the latest state budget had $12m reserved for palace upkeep. The rest of his kingdom would live for two months with that.
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Jul 5, 2016 14:04
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Countess Elizabeth Báthory de Ecsed quote:Elizabeth Báthory ; 7 August 1560 – 21 August 1614) was a countess and serial killer from the Báthory family of nobility in the Kingdom of Hungary. She has been labelled by Guinness World Records as the most prolific female murderer, though the precise number of her victims is debated. Báthory and four collaborators were accused of torturing and killing hundreds of young women between 1585 and 1609. quote:The exact number of Elizabeth Báthory's victims is unknown, and even contemporary estimates differed greatly. During the trial, Szentes and Ficko reported 36 and 37 victims respectively, during their periods of service. The other defendants estimated a number of 50 or higher. Many Sárvár castle personnel estimated the number of bodies removed from the castle at between 100 and 200. One witness, a woman named Susannah, who spoke at the trial mentioned a book in which Báthory supposedly kept a list of a total of over 650 victims, and this number has passed into legend. quote:According to all testimony, Báthory's initial victims were the adolescent daughters of local peasants, many of whom were lured to Csejte by offers of well-paid work as maidservants in the castle. Later, she is said to have begun to kill daughters of the lesser gentry, who were sent to her gynaeceum by their parents to learn courtly etiquette. Abductions were said to have occurred as well. The atrocities described most consistently included severe beatings, burning or mutilation of hands, biting the flesh off the faces, arms and other body parts, freezing or starving to death. The use of needles was also mentioned by the collaborators in court. quote:Stories which ascribe to her vampire-like tendencies (most famously the tale that she bathed in the blood of virgins to retain her youth) were generally recorded years after her death and are considered unreliable tl,dr: Countess finds secret way to retain youthful appearance, doctors hate her!
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Jul 5, 2016 14:19
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Nenonen posted:Then let me tell you of Mswati III the king of Swaziland who currently has 15 wives and 30 children between them. Which isn't that many if you think that his father had 70 wives and 210 children during his time, but hey, Mswati is only 48 so give the man some time. Getting new wives is easy, he has previously had an 18 year old high school student kidnapped from school to be made his wife. So yes, he's a bona fide rapist which of course is a nice feature for an absolute monarch. At least two girls are known to have escaped from his clutches. There's also Ramesses II. He had eight wives and well over 100 mistresses. He fathered over 156 kids and even outlived some of them. He reigned for 67 years and nine other pharaohs took his name after him. His pyramide is only one of the seven wonders of the world that still stands today (he also constructed Abu Simbel because at that point, why the gently caress not).
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Jul 5, 2016 17:20
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Baron Bannside Ian Paisley was a fundamentalist Presbyterian cleric and politician from Northern Ireland whose extreme Anti-Catholic rhetoric and opposition against moderate Unionists (supporters of the political union of Great Britain and Northern Ireland) helped instigate and maintain the near-civil war in the region. Despite being outside of the mainstream political establishment, his oratory, theatrics, and devoted followers made him a mover and shaker of NI politics. His political career spanned the whole length of the Troubles and beyond. The IRA apparently never considered assassinating him because he was indirectly their best recruiter. "They breed like rabbits and multiply like vermin" - talking about Catholics at a loyalist rally in 1969. "Catholic homes caught fire because they were loaded with petrol bombs; Catholic churches were attacked and burned because they were arsenals and priests handed out sub-machine guns to parishioners" - at a loyalist rally in 1968 following attacks on Catholic homes. "I denounce you, Anti-Christ! I refuse you as Christ's enemy and Antichrist with all your false doctrine" - addressing Pope John Paul II on a visit to the European Parliament October 1988. Logically, he became the First Minister of Northern Ireland in a power-sharing deal with IRA's political wing and eventually entered the British Peerage. BravestOfTheLamps has a new favorite as of 21:09 on Jul 5, 2016 |
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Jul 5, 2016 21:02
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Alhazred posted:Musa I of Mali My brain tried to read that as Dijabringabeeralong Mosque and for just a second, the world was a fantastic loving place.
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Jul 6, 2016 06:35
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Nenonen posted:Then let me tell you of Mswati III the king of Swaziland who currently has 15 wives and 30 children between them. Which isn't that many if you think that his father had 70 wives and 210 children during his time, but hey, Mswati is only 48 so give the man some time. Getting new wives is easy, he has previously had an 18 year old high school student kidnapped from school to be made his wife. So yes, he's a bona fide rapist which of course is a nice feature for an absolute monarch. At least two girls are known to have escaped from his clutches. Just a reminder that a vaguely modern-ish army and presumably some kind of intelligence (lol) agency are happy to bow and scrape to this joker
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Jul 6, 2016 07:22
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Double post
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Jul 6, 2016 07:23
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WHAT A GOOD DOG posted:This is the realest poo poo right here. I wanna see extravagance of extravagance. I wanna see dudes who had so many wives, their country regressed centuries because of all the unmarried men. I wanna see queens who threw such baller fuckin' dances that people died of exhaustion and children were conceived and birthed all at the same party. I wanna see athletes and celebrities who did so many drugs in one night that their piss turned opalescent. I have seen a couple of comments about how Musa I there might have been one of or actually the richest person who ever lived (accounting for inflation and suchlike). Pretty interesting if it is true, and even the suggestion of it is enough to drive some people absolutely mental, which is also fun.
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Jul 13, 2016 08:35
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Nenonen posted:Then let me tell you of Mswati III the king of Swaziland who currently has 15 wives and 30 children between them. Which isn't that many if you think that his father had 70 wives and 210 children during his time, but hey, Mswati is only 48 so give the man some time. Getting new wives is easy, he has previously had an 18 year old high school student kidnapped from school to be made his wife. So yes, he's a bona fide rapist which of course is a nice feature for an absolute monarch. At least two girls are known to have escaped from his clutches. Read this as "Switzerland" at first, was concerned.
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Jul 13, 2016 18:54
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GAINING WEIGHT... posted:Read this as "Switzerland" at first, was concerned. But not surprised.
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Jul 13, 2016 20:07
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 François Hollande is the President of France  Joan Enric Vives Sicília is the Bishop of Urgell But they are also both Co-Princes of Andorra, a tiny country situated between France and Spain. Way back in the 11th century the Bishop who ruled the land struck up an alliance with a nearby Lord where they agreed to share sovereignty over Andorra. Then people got married and had kids and the title got passed down and eventually one half of the arrangement wound up in the hands of the King of France. After he got his head chopped off the President of France took over the role and it's been that way ever since. Until 1993 the Bishop was paid in cheese, ham, and live chickens. And Andorrans must be happy with the way things are because François Hollande got them to stop some of their shady banking practices by threatening to abdicate.
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Jul 13, 2016 21:25
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chitoryu12 posted:Charles II of Spain The really interesting, depressing, and horrifying thing is when you consider the portrait. At that point in European history it was en vogue to make portraits of nobles as flattering as possible. It fluttered about in different eras; sometimes it was meant to be accurate because somebody skilled enough to paint accurate to life was pretty drat good. Being able to afford having that done was a sign that you were important and wealthy. Sometimes it was meant to glorify and elevate the person by making them look gorgeous. Still cost a ton but it was meant to leave the person's memory to be as awesome as possible. This is why "swagger portraits" existed. Look at the pose and look at the details; he's wearing a sword and holding a hat. He's dressed like he's totally going to go out and Do Something today and will totally gently caress you up if you get in his way. Poor ol' Charles II, though, that was the best they could do with him. Look at the ugly lump of a dude in that picture; that was a painting deliberately trying to make him look as good as possible and that was it. That was him at his best possible appearance. Even with the fancy sword, nice clothes, and royal as hell surroundings they just couldn't make him look like anything other than a weak mutant. Don't hump your relatives for multiple generations, kids. ToxicSlurpee has a new favorite as of 00:53 on Jul 14, 2016 |
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Jul 14, 2016 00:50
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ToxicSlurpee posted:The really interesting, depressing, and horrifying thing is when you consider the portrait. At that point in European history it was en vogue to make portraits of nobles as flattering as possible. It fluttered about in different eras; sometimes it was meant to be accurate because somebody skilled enough to paint accurate to life was pretty drat good. Being able to afford having that done was a sign that you were important and wealthy. Sometimes it was meant to glorify and elevate the person by making them look gorgeous. Still cost a ton but it was meant to leave the person's memory to be as awesome as possible. This is why "swagger portraits" existed. Look at the pose and look at the details; he's wearing a sword and holding a hat. He's dressed like he's totally going to go out and Do Something today and will totally gently caress you up if you get in his way. I also like this one of another Habsburg, Albert "Murderface" II of Germany 
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Jul 14, 2016 00:58
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