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My kiddos phone didn't have data when she first came, only wifi. I bought her a new phone for our first Christmas and we agreed on ground rules (location finder on, no dating apps, always answer if it's me). She also only had 4 gigs of data which runs out quick with insta and tiktok. Some families also turn in their phones at the door, and then the kids have an iPad or laptop that is wifi only and gets real boring without wifi. With teens, I don't think phones are the hill to die on. I would make sure they know that if their phone impacts their safety, that's where the line is drawn and a phone gets locked down or locked up. Foster youth are INSANELY more likely to be sexually exploited or gang involved, and are often contacted/groomed via social media. My kiddo knew that if I got a hint of any of that stuff that it would hurt our trust and limit her freedoms. Again, spending the time to invest and have positive interactions before having to crack down makes a HUGE difference. Buying her a new phone, helping her set it up, sending each other silly texts and snaps, made it a lot easier to talk to her when things went sideways. I also never take away a phone as punishment - in my philosophy, phones are soothing for emotionally difficult kids, along with things like food and video games. You want them to soothe themselves, and when they've calmed down, you can talk about what an appropriate consequence is. I liked offering different proactive chores or duties (like raking leaves for the neighbor or doing next weeks homework early) and focus on earning back trust and showing care rather than "being sorry" (read: that they got caught). I try to orient myself (even when I'm mad) to building them UP, not pulling down.
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Nov 5, 2019 01:46
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Engineer Lenk posted:Has anyone looked at using Famzoo with their older foster children? cool, never heard of it before Mocking Bird posted:I also never take away a phone as punishment - in my philosophy, phones are soothing for emotionally difficult kids, along with things like food and video games. You want them to soothe themselves, and when they've calmed down, you can talk about what an appropriate consequence is. iiinteresting.. i will consider this as well
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Nov 6, 2019 01:32
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Seconding the limited data that 'once it's gone, it's gone' per month quota and the WiFi is set for certain time frames. Devices have to be turned in at 8pm, we pretty much laid everything out before we brought our teen into the house (which has been awesome other than the state being a complete disaster with other things) and so far we've had perfect compliance. I'm sure it might change after the honeymoon period, but definitely copying some of what Mocking Bird said to our house after reading all that.
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Nov 6, 2019 03:25
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OK question: Please tell me about respite care I am going out of town next week and I still don't know where my child is going, is that normal? ffs My teen is familiar with the term "respite care" which is kind of weird to me because the other respite care I do for older adults is definitely not called that in front of them. I went through the process to be a respite parent and every time theres a gathering of foster parents with DSS it's "Theres Our Fake Respite Mom" because I still have the same teen. that's how I got introduced at an adoption party recently, which by the way, was an actual party DSS threw to celebrate the adoption of children. edit is: what my teen shared about respite is that it was in a city (we are in Rural Area) and he was vaping with the other teens in an attic Paratan fucked around with this message at 14:23 on Nov 14, 2019 |
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Nov 14, 2019 13:12
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Where I live, respite is either something you arrange through your agency (dicey at best) or you have your "backup team" (grandma, best friend, neighbor, whatever) fingerprint so they can come stay with the kiddo. I would make as much noise as you can - squeaky wheel gets the problem solved, quiet wheel gets to friday night with no answer.
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Nov 14, 2019 18:46
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Cool I have a time and place for "the drop-off" lmao The social workers are very kind and gave me books that I recognized possibly from this thread. I've just started The Connected Child. I finished the Whole-Brain Child and I'm flipping through No Drama Discipline.
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Nov 15, 2019 03:47
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We finalized our 2-year old daughter's adoption in April, we celebrated her bio brother's 2nd birthday last weekend...and we just found out her second little brother was born earlier this week. The other foster family has been keeping tabs on the bio parents through public records and such, and they never got any indication the bio mother was pregnant again. I was never notified by DCFS of the birth, they were never notified, and through some investigative work on our end tonight we learned DCFS picked up the baby from the hospital yesterday and he's in a placement right now. And neither of us ever got one phone call. THIS is why I advise people to always keep a friendly line of communication open with the bio family. A random text from bio grandma informed me of the "happy" news, otherwise I may never have known he was born. We aren't clear if he is a full sibling or not to the two other children, but it doesn't really matter. He's their brother and we now are going to do our very best to make sure they are all in each other's lives. If this keeps up, it will be a full-time job juggling the contacts and schedules of all these kids. I am not really sure how I feel, emotionally. I am happy we know about him, and I hope he is happy and healthy and in a safe place to thrive, but it's just another notch on the statistical belt for this woman and she's in her early 20s. We may be dealing with this for decades. I am not sure if I am emotionally or physically ready for that, but it's not about me. It's about my daughter. And she deserves to know her bio family, no matter what.
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Nov 16, 2019 10:16
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You're good people, VB. You're right about keeping some form of communication open - you'd maybe have gotten a call when some future worker made the connection, but now because you got a head start you'll be able to be your daughters advocate. We've got our first solo visit with our potential 14 year old girl tomorrow - we've already said yes to her joining our fam, now it's up to her. She's a middle child of ELEVEN kids, though only 8 are in foster care. I know we'll be signing up for a lot more than one kids worth of duties. Her younger three sisters are also going to be going to an adoptive home yet to be chosen (we're plan B) and I know we're going to be very involved with them. They gain a set of parents, you can an entire extended network of indeterminable quality and with the ever-present ability to expand. It's a wild ride.
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Nov 16, 2019 18:44
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Hope everyone had a good holiday with their kiddos. We had a few teens that ours knew that aged out of the system with no families so we had a large extended Thanksgiving this year. Was nice seeing everyone having way too much food and getting to relax a bit. 4 more months as long as this continues to be a success and we can pursue finalization of ours. Curious if and when the honeymoon period will end, but so far our teen is very compliant and driven to finish school and get into college. Proud she wants to become an attorney to fight for kids that are in the system like her mentor did. On a weirder note, ran into one of the kids we met at the adoption party that went AWOL that we had previously went for and it was extremely awkward for everyone and she’s still not placed. Unfortunately with her disclosed behaviors we couldn’t take her even if we wanted to at this point. Sigh, urge to save the world I’m telling ya.
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Dec 2, 2019 17:48
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I'm really happy for you, dude  We have a young adult we know well and have had visit us before that gets into some dark stuff sometimes - we can't have her live with us, and sometimes we have to keep her at arms length. We've talked to her about what it would need to look like for her to come with us and she declined. I really empathize with wishing you could bring them all home and not being able to. We're in limbo with our teen, she comes on weekends she doesn't have sibling visits and the next visit is the coming up weekend. She's reserved and soft spoken and I think it's going to be hard for her to tell her social worker she wants to come live with us. I'm trying hard to be patient, but it's making me want to peel my own face off because I know she wants to live here but speaking up to an authority figure is really hard for her. The social worker suggested waiting as long as spring break which sounded bonkers to me, but I'm trying to remain zen and just focus on building a bond. We're angling to have her spend Christmas with us, though! We are getting her a stocking and she'll have presents under the tree (though god it's hard to shop for a kid and not cross the line to bribery)
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Dec 9, 2019 08:00
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my teen gained 30 pounds.
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Dec 10, 2019 23:04
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Sorry to reply so infrequently, but I'm still having a hard time checking this thread. KL & MB --- Great news! MB, I'm sure that if you continue to provide a safe, loving environment, your teen will find her voice at the right time. Maybe, if it didn't seem unethical, in a month or two the social worker could prime the pump by saying, "I'm going to have to ask you soon whether you'd like to live here or another place. But don't worry, you wouldn't have to choose somewhere else for at least a month, and if you liked it here, you could tell me in a month, two weeks, or even today." Well, something less heavy handed than that, but something that lets her know she has a voice in the matter and her opinion is desired. Paratan -- (Apologies if I'm getting some facts about your teen and family structure wrong, and this comes from experience with a biodaughter-- I.e., someone who didn't have to undergo a rapid shift in family living near this age) is this weight gain a good thing or a goon thing? If it's the former and it's the teen getting good, reliable nutrition, then make sure the doctor is aware of his weight gain and get an idea of a healthy upper limit, but it's probably a good thing overall. If it's the latter, it's tough, you've probably got to be dad instead of older brother, at least to some degree. If he's buying junk food with allowance/job wages (I don't remember how old he was), there's not much you can do about it directly. Encouraging more activity by the whole family is about all you can do. If it's all coming out of the pantry at home, then everyone has to suffer as the supply of Cheez-Itz and Nutella goes to near zero, to be brought out intentionally as a treat once or twice a week -- for everyone. If they somehow magically disappear, none come home from the store the next week. The key thing is you and your partner will need to make the same sacrifices you expect of him.
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Dec 11, 2019 18:33
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My daughter also gained weight when she first moved in - mostly because she had access to money for the first time in her life, and she found it very soothing to spend every last penny on garbage food. She refused to eat school lunches and if she had money she'd buy fast food, and if she didn't, she'd starve until she got home and demolish a ton of food before I got home from work. There's not any one conversation about this - it's not one size fits all. We definitely shopped more healthy for groceries (one treat item each - making sure to understand food boundaries where we don't eat each other's treat item without permission) and I made sure she knew what we were going to make for dinner every night so she'd have expectations of being fed/not to eat my dinner ingredients. Food is very comforting - it's an effective way to cope mentally with change and trauma. Limiting food is NO, offering good food choices is YES.
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Dec 11, 2019 18:45
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Food is a trauma connection for most of these kids as they didn’t have steady access to it previously for sure. Ours has definitely gained weight since she’s moved in and we’ve discussed it with her but allow her to keep snacks in her room (healthy ones) as it seems to be a comfort thing for her. Considering most of them go uneaten and tossed (packaged goods no harm no foul) it’s not a huge deal to us. On the weekend visits we kind of lucked out that we only had to do a few then everyone related to the case was like YALL READY and we went from there. Other than routine teen drama with dating this has been surprisingly low key so far. We’re working on trying to teach her the value of a dollar with allowance and babysitting opportunities with our younger one, but so far she’s spent every penny she’s earned, so hopefully that will come in time. She’s still working on being comfortable about asking for things she needs which is different for us versus the 10 year old who has no qualms asking for literally everything. That being said, having the state in our house 3x a week for therapy/room checks/ drug screens is getting really old and they’re going to be doing this for 4-6 months because of the teens previous record. I know it’s a requirement but my god I’m tired of having state people in my house for an hour 3x a week. If I had hair I’d be pulling it out.
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Dec 11, 2019 20:27
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Just got a combo 'let's schedule a first home visit/oh by the way there's a child we should talk about' email. Any advice on good questions I should ask the social worker? The prospective match is a little younger than I was initially envisioning, so I need to think more about how I can best support a tween.
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Dec 14, 2019 01:29
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Definitely ask why they are struggling to place this child (I'm assuming since they're asking you before your process is complete) - not because you're going to reject them, but because you need to know in order to make a good decision for your household. Where is the youth in their court case? Reunification with parents, or long term foster care? How many placements have they had? Who are their providers (medical, mental health, in home behavioral health etc)? How often are you expected to meet with them? What kind of visitation is there? Parents, siblings, relatives? Is there a concurrent plan/long term plan for this child? (Eg a grandma out of state that can be used once reunification is ended) Can you talk to previous caregivers? (Probably not but it never hurts to ask) Tweens do require different supervision than teens. Are there childcare needs? After school programs for kids over 10 can be hard to find, but it can also be difficult to justify leaving a 12 year old alone for four hours after school (or even against regulation depending on your locality)
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Dec 14, 2019 16:48
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Kodilynn posted:
I just keep reading this. sheesh
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Jan 6, 2020 22:09
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I think I've shifted my thinking about why the teen's here with me a bit, so I'm focusing more on the fact he has a safe place to live and be a dumbass. I mean, a child of God. I think it's a positive shift. The social worker is just so glad I have a sense of humor about "all this" I'm curious about the training to become a therapeutic home. I'm concerned about how we just got over a rough holiday season/medicine change and I'm going on a mission trip to Puerto Rico in February and he will need to be in respite care for two weeks. Finally, is there a teen parenting thread somewhere , or where people make fun of teens , in a non abusive way, cause lmao.
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Jan 12, 2020 13:54
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I'm a new casa and my kiddo was in a center per my last update/paperwork when I got the case but has since been moved. now I'm just waiting to hear back from the sw where he is so I can actually meet him. I figure two business days is enough before I call again. Yay delays!
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Jan 12, 2020 16:24
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Paratan posted:I think I've shifted my thinking about why the teen's here with me a bit, so I'm focusing more on the fact he has a safe place to live and be a dumbass. I mean, a child of God. I think it's a positive shift. There is the Parenting Megathread in Ask/Tell where folks definitely have a sense of humor I definitely had a moment with my daughter where I had to accept that she was not flourishing, but she was also safe - and in the long run, my gray hair and bald spots weren't as important as giving my kid security, and I needed to laugh some poo poo off or I'd have an aneurysm. And she's chilled out a bit now, four years later. Thank loving god.
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Jan 12, 2020 18:44
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Does there happen to be a private and/or international adoption thread on these forums? I dug around a bit. My wife and I would like to explore adoption of a newborn/infant. We do not have children yet so we think fostering of older kids is not the wisest decision for us quite yet. Thanks!
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Feb 2, 2020 04:02
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This is probably as close as you will get on the forums, and we have definitely skewed more strongly towards foster care and relative care. That said, I've worked with a lot of private adopting families, and the biggest piece of advice seems to be VET YOUR AGENCY. Talk to the communities, interview at multiple, take orientations at multiple. I'd advise looking for: supportive post-adoption care and follow up, realistic view of adoption trauma (not all sunshine and roses), acknowledgement of trans-racial adoption issues, frank discussion of the challenges of open adoption, and agencies that seem selective about the families they work with based on characteristics (not just religious or social qualifiers).
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Feb 3, 2020 21:13
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Anyone have any recommendations around establishing food security while still promoting healthy-ish eating habits? My kid is on the low end of the weight spectrum. He loves candy and chips, but also has stomachaches that are exacerbated by stress so he can go off his food for long stretches of time, then gets ravenously hungry and binges. Right now I'm rolling with a 'you can have snacks/junk food if you're hungry, but try to eat a few bites of something with more nutrition first,' keeping fresh fruit in the house, and alternating buying candy or chips as the treat item for the week. I don't eat added sugar, so he knows that all of his sweets in the house will only get eaten by him. It's a little hard to predict when a food he's usually liked will 'look weird' and be completely unappetizing. I'm throwing a fair bit out since I can't keep up with the leftovers. I was thinking about adding jerky, granola bars, and nuts to the rotation of available snack foods, since browsing seems to be less pressure than prepared meals. I'm not really clear on if I'm enabling at this point, but I really don't want to reinforce the disordered eating by turning it into a power struggle.
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Feb 4, 2020 05:03
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Having grazing food available is really important to kids that have food insecurity - a recommendation from the book The Connected Child is giving children food (wrapped, non perishable) to keep in their backpack or on their nightstand. When you're worried about spoiling dinner, it can be reassuring to have them hold the food even when you aren't going to be eating it, eg: you can keep a granola bar in your pocket/at the table with you until dinner is ready. I found that having individual size packets of things was good - goldfish crackers, trail mix, jerky, banana chips. Apples and oranges on the counter always worked better than bananas because they keep much longer. Verbalizing what's going on, even for older kids, can be helpful - "you look hungry, should we make sandwiches?" can derail a candy binge, and offering healthy things pre-emptively can help too. I highly recommend strictly scheduled meal times (even if they don't eat every meal with the family; they'll be reassured by the consistent availability). I've also seen a lot of food seeking behavior get calmed down by one-on-one attention, like offering to play a game or giving them a cuddle. When emotions are high or stressful, I always found it best to just stay out of the way if they need a sugar binge to calm down. They're still learning coping skills - I'd rather an ice cream cone bites the dust than they hurt themselves or punch a wall or something. My daughter definitely gained weight at first (like... 40 pounds, jeez) but she lost it again once she got emotional equilibrium and learned new coping skills. 
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Feb 4, 2020 07:00
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I'd like to get more consistent with dinnertime, but we've bonded over fortnite and he wants me to play duos or creative with him to destress after we get home. There's some urgency to that as well, since the wifi cuts out at bedtime. I probably need to set the expectation of 'two rounds/30 min and then I have to fix dinner,' and keep adding to a list of things that he'll eat that take <30 min prep time.
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Feb 4, 2020 13:12
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lmfao we're both back home after my being in Puerto Rico for two weeks. The lady doing respite placement was texting me last night when I was still in an airport that Teen was OUT OF CONTROL So she came by this morning to drop him off and I let her express herself to me for 15 minutes or so about his behaviors and how if she were me, she'd take away all his electronics etc. Teen was safely in his room by then We had a nice Valentine's breakfast at the fire department, he made some accusatory remarks about the respite placement that I don't believe at all (he's got serious lying issues) but I'll make a note of for the social worker who is coming next week. He is now... Enjoying breakfast #3 and listening to ICP, as he proudly explained his dad is a juggalo
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Feb 15, 2020 18:43
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My youngest sister (H, 14) has been staying with my other sister (A) and A's boyfriend (S). A told her therapist that she fantasized about slitting S's throat and watching him bleed out about 3 weeks back, so after staying in an institution for 2 weeks, she's at my place. Right now, my husband, my brother and I are keeping the same rules as A has for H. Also, H has someone here with her 24 hours a day. It's been about a week. It hasn't been too bad- she's just a little annoying. My sister A has a habit of lying to people about how long things take or what's going on when she thinks those people won't agree, so I have no clue how long H is staying with me. I'm not too worried about it, right now. It's just... weird.
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Feb 15, 2020 20:31
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Paratan posted:lmfao we're both back home after my being in Puerto Rico for two weeks. This sounds extremely familiar. You can wear yourself out Sherlocking the truth, but I tend to feel the energy is best spent on making sure you are maintaining your own boundaries and guidelines and reacclimating to each other. 2 weeks with a stranger can be a lot for a teen with behavioral health needs. God speed. How I think of teenagers outside of their regular routine:  Serious Cephalopod posted:My youngest sister (H, 14) has been staying with my other sister (A) and A's boyfriend (S). I was wondering how you guys were doing - it sounds really good for both A and H that they have you in their lives. This is a lot to handle, I hope you are able to have time to check in with your feelings and make sure you're well cared for as well 
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Feb 16, 2020 00:38
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Been a couple weeks to wrap my head around it, but our teen is no longer with us by way of her own choices. They decided to go rogue, sneak out, make some poor choices, and end up in police custody. Unfortunately this was a third strike so there isn't a ton we can do since being with us was kind of a last chance to keep her out of the criminal justice system. I'm sure it was self sabotage as it felt like things were going well, but it definitely stinks. Family is kinda reeling and confused still, but we'll kinda see where things go. Don't think we'll be doing this again until our younger daughter graduates and moves out at which point we might just do respite care instead. Ugh.
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Feb 16, 2020 16:35
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Mocking Bird posted:I was wondering how you guys were doing - it sounds really good for both A and H that they have you in their lives. This is a lot to handle, I hope you are able to have time to check in with your feelings and make sure you're well cared for as well Thanks! I'm all right. I really appreciate you reaching out after my first post. H is getting better and better all the time, but it's still very tiring. I'm glad A&S are getting a bit of a break. Kodilynn posted:Been a couple weeks to wrap my head around it, but our teen is no longer with us by way of her own choices. They decided to go rogue, sneak out, make some poor choices, and end up in police custody. Unfortunately this was a third strike so there isn't a ton we can do since being with us was kind of a last chance to keep her out of the criminal justice system. I'm sure it was self sabotage as it felt like things were going well, but it definitely stinks. Family is kinda reeling and confused still, but we'll kinda see where things go. Don't think we'll be doing this again until our younger daughter graduates and moves out at which point we might just do respite care instead. Ugh. I'm sorry to hear this. I hope you're all doing all right. 
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Feb 16, 2020 18:22
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Kodilynn posted:Ugh. omg That must suck so bad. ughghgh
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Feb 16, 2020 21:51
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Kodilynn posted:Been a couple weeks to wrap my head around it, but our teen is no longer with us by way of her own choices. They decided to go rogue, sneak out, make some poor choices, and end up in police custody. Unfortunately this was a third strike so there isn't a ton we can do since being with us was kind of a last chance to keep her out of the criminal justice system. I'm sure it was self sabotage as it felt like things were going well, but it definitely stinks. Family is kinda reeling and confused still, but we'll kinda see where things go. Don't think we'll be doing this again until our younger daughter graduates and moves out at which point we might just do respite care instead. Ugh. No fun at all, but don’t beat yourself up, I’ve had way too many teens do the same. Even the best foster parents can’t take back where the kid has been or all the other influences they’ve got in their lives, the best you can do is try and provide for their needs the best you can and hope they are able to take advantage of it.
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Feb 16, 2020 22:16
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Kodilynn posted:Been a couple weeks to wrap my head around it, but our teen is no longer with us by way of her own choices. They decided to go rogue, sneak out, make some poor choices, and end up in police custody. Unfortunately this was a third strike so there isn't a ton we can do since being with us was kind of a last chance to keep her out of the criminal justice system. I'm sure it was self sabotage as it felt like things were going well, but it definitely stinks. Family is kinda reeling and confused still, but we'll kinda see where things go. Don't think we'll be doing this again until our younger daughter graduates and moves out at which point we might just do respite care instead. Ugh. Oh man, I'm so sorry  I was really rooting for you guys - the level of patience and commitment you put forward for this was inspirational, you and your family are tough as nails. Self sabotage is real - you seem to really understand the hand these teens get dealt. I'm so sorry you lost her this way.
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Feb 18, 2020 02:23
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Any suggestions on what to do for the summer with a newly-thirteen-year-old who is strongly opposed to camp or babysitters when I have a full-time job? He's not really ready to be at home alone all day without getting exceptionally bored. I'm considering enrolling him in an afternoon half-day of tutoring/enrichment and figuring out how to get transportation, but letting him have his lazy mornings and moderately-late nights as a compromise (wifi cuts off at 10).
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Feb 19, 2020 16:46
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That sounds like a decent compromise, assuming he's trustworthy unsupervised for a few hours every day. Does your city have a teen center? Or teen job corps? My daughter HATED camp but was somehow ok with being a "junior counselor" at a kids camp getting paid peanuts (which was functionally they same thing for me). I also used to have her turn on her phone location and take her iPad to the library where at least I had a reasonable assumption she wasn't smoking weed in my house all day One thing that has sucked with fostering traumatized teens is that a lot of times their ability to make friends is compromised, so they are mostly by themselves or with less than stellar social circles I would have loved if my daughter spent her summers hanging out at her friends houses or going to the pool with her girlfriends.
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Feb 19, 2020 18:29
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He's a young 12 3/4 right now and will be a young 13-year-old (he's also pretty physically slight, and has a tendency to get in escalating verbal/physical altercations when 'messing around' with his friends, because he learned to seek out a fight to avoid being bullied). He gets along better with 6-9-year-olds and left to his own devices would end up playing Fortnite or Minecraft all day even if his head hurts or he starts getting annoyed at the game. Unstructured or loosely-structured time with his peers is not a great option, and I worry about his emotional maturity particularly in a setting where he's on the bottom end of an age range. Engineer Lenk fucked around with this message at 19:03 on Feb 19, 2020 |
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Feb 19, 2020 19:01
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Is there a Boys and Girls club type thing near you? I'm not sure how widespread they are, but that's the kind of thing I'd aim for - structured activities that have an opt in/opt out component, and he'd be on the older end of the age range.
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Feb 19, 2020 22:23
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well well well, good morning pile of pubes on the bathroom floor. someone must have a new internet gf edit, gotta stay positive folks: At Least My Teenager Made It Into The School Transportation This Morning, Fully Dressed Paratan fucked around with this message at 14:13 on Feb 25, 2020 |
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Feb 25, 2020 14:05
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I'm still fighting the 'underwear is not optional' battle, so fully clothed would be an upgrade.
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Feb 25, 2020 14:36
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Engineer Lenk posted:I'm still fighting the 'underwear is not optional' battle, so fully clothed would be an upgrade. I’ve said “This is not a nudist colony” more times than I care to count between our original younger foster daughter and bio daughter.
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Feb 26, 2020 15:16
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