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Razor Jacksuit
Mar 31, 2007

VEES RULE #1





Solaron posted:

The woman who led our first class kept telling everyone they needed to go for the maximum kids per room because of how many kids in need there are in our area but we just can't offer that kid of support, I don't think.

I think there's an important point to be made here. Like VorpalBunny says, it's not about you, but about the kids. But if in your efforts to do the right thing you try to take on more than you can support (financially, emotionally, logistically, or in any other capacity) you risk damaging your existing family, and the foster kid(s) end up losing out anyway.

I'm not trying to poo poo on the process, or talk anyone out of anything. I think that the foster/adoption process has been entirely positive for our family, and the downsides have been minor annoyances in the scheme of things. But exercise caution as you would with any life decision. There are more kids in the system than resource families can handle, and while this makes our hearts cry out and want to open our doors ever wider, what it really means is that you can give and give and give and you still won't be able to save them all. At the end of the day, the social worker is not the one looking out for your best interest.

And as long as I'm advocating for cold, critical analysis of your foster situation, I'll lump in a little bit of E/N about my own emotional journey.

VorpalBunny gave the thumbnail picture of our foster/adoption. For the first several months, we were sure it was just a temporary placement. Temporary was what we wanted, and it seemed like we were always just another couple of weeks away from the birth family getting approved to take the little guy into their home. So we bent over backwards to work with the family, and I patted myself on the back about not getting too emotionally attached, not like those other families that instantly fall in love and then can't handle the loss when the system works as intended and reunites the kid.

Instead I had the opposite problem. As it became increasingly clear that reunification was not likely, I had to switch emotional gears. I had to start tearing down all those walls I had built up, and accept the reality the the hypothetical future "oh, we can talk about adoption if we end up with the right fit" was concrete and right now. But at the same time I felt like I still had to hold a little back, because up until that big day in court, anything can happen.

I don't think I've stunted my attachment to my son or anything, but who knows? The point is, I don't know if there's a "correct" emotional state to maintain during a foster placement. It will be a roller coaster no matter what.

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