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Paratan
Jan 1, 2008

it's sumo, folks


Engineer Lenk posted:

It's progress when a kid is verbalizing that they're testing you because they think you'll send them back and telling you that you should be yelling at them, right?

wow, self-aware lil rudeboy, nice.
One of the interviewees in In Their Voices made it incredibly clear that it is a life and death matter as a foster child to push your caregiver to their limit so you can find out what this adult WILL ACTUALLY DO under extreme stress.
(I really want to quote the man directly but I found out last night that I've misplaced my book).

For some reason it really... grounded me to realize that I'm not going to hurt this failson no matter what lmfao.

Engineer Lenk posted:

I'm stuck trying to figure out an appropriate consequence that doesn't just invite further escalation.

Anybody got any ideas?

i mean, to me the natural consequence of having to hang out together while annoyed would be ... quite enough

Engineer Lenk posted:

On the whole 'try and get the kid to be less of a lump on the couch' front:
this is amazing lol did I mention my teen like doubled in size

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Paratan
Jan 1, 2008

it's sumo, folks


Mocking Bird posted:

Theoretically it could be good! Or even in a backwards way!

My daughter spent one Thanksgiving in Atlanta with her bio mom and one Christmas in Vegas with her bio aunts and now is very very sure that where she wants to be for the holidays is at home with us

loooool

Paratan
Jan 1, 2008

it's sumo, folks


I'm proud to say we have no loving clue in this household ahahaha. I try to elaborate but it keeps turning into a rant.


and now that he's 18, Mr. School Social worker/truancy officer told me when he Dropped By Again that HIS carrot of charging teen with the status crime of not attending school is gone.
...and? ...the gently caress?

lol he always seemed so chill cause he controls his voice and body really well, but now I see he's used to just Chillfully threatening teens into compliance.
The first time I thought it might be a fluke. When he first dropped by and teen was sleeping instead of going to school, he suggested the adults in the room physically lift teen out of his bed and I was bewildered like... No, we respect people here.
"O-oh. That's good to know. It's good that you're aware that's how you are."
?!?!??

Yesterday we had our DSS visit and on the way out Ms. social worker attempted to recap w/me her convo with teen, so i reminded her that school is going to be someone else's problem, I Do Not Care (it politely says so on my application and we've talked about this repeatedly).
So I added this time that I find it oppressive, that teen has made his choices clear and I've made my peace with that particular topic.
But she kept going about how it hurts that's he's ONE. CLASS. AWAY so I let her express herself and said "Ok."


edit: teen has successfully returned to his schedule of sleep all day

Paratan fucked around with this message at 11:15 on Oct 22, 2020

Paratan
Jan 1, 2008

it's sumo, folks


Engineer Lenk posted:

If the homeschool curriculum was up to me, I'd basically have him playing math games and reading (about anything he's interested in), do some verbal analysis of the inane YouTube videos he watches all day (he wants to be a YouTuber), maybe have him do some duolingo and some kind of coding app, then call it a day with relatively few total hours of instruction.

I've only been learning about self-directed education ever since teen started refusing to go to school. I didn't know much about homeschooling other than laws vary by state.
why is the "curriculum" not up to you or him? Is that not allowed?

Paratan
Jan 1, 2008

it's sumo, folks


Well, that sucks. School sounds not great right now.

My teen's social worker will be stopping by next Monday to attempt to help him with school work online. He did agree to this (he agrees to anything, which has little bearing on what he actually does)

Mocking Bird posted:

I'm happy as long as he's not getting visibly dumber

lmao, can we just live a peaceful life... Precious Teen's brain is healing over here

Oh i helped him: vote by mail, finish a voluntary survey for teens exiting care, write a Christmas wishlist for DSS, fill out what he could of a background check. These are all things he wanted to do and asked me for help (after repeatedly telling the social worker he didn't want her help wtf u dumass)

Paratan
Jan 1, 2008

it's sumo, folks


heeeeey who wants to ignore the news

I let my teenager spend the night at his good "stepmom"s house (as opposed to the bad stepmom who is why he is not with his family anymore) that he loves.
He loves this woman, I think when he was young she was one of the people he lived with. He went back in time when he jumped in her car. He was grinning and excited etc.
Teen and I sometimes talk about places that might be good for him to live, so he informed me that currently she lives in a small space with her boyfriend and animals so he cannot move in with them right now. Also her mom will be marrying a billionaire soon, and they'll build him a house on their land in a few years and everyone will be happy.
"wow what a bunch of BS," I don't say.
But "wow that sounds great Teen, then they will be good to live with like your grandma's house."

Anyway, he comes back last night covered in dog fur and cat hair, feces on his feet and a sad tale about he spent all day cleaning the poo poo-covered trailer his stepmom's mother lives in with her dogs. Because the billionaire boyfriend is coming over. Then they went to go pick him up at an airport and he was . not there

But at least he also came with a new phone his stepmom had ordered for him.

He waited until he was fully congested this morning to tell me that 1) he didn't take a shower and 2) he's allergic to animals, especially the ones he slept with at his stepmom's house. GOd Bless AMerica

Paratan
Jan 1, 2008

it's sumo, folks


ok I found out about the Connected PARENT, so that is in the mail. A kind of update to the connected child is what I heard on a podcast.

Do y'all keep track of hilarious teen outbursts because I do and I treasure them.
I just spent half an hour listening to this ridiculous teen in my home talk about video games because it calms him down after I triggered him with an extremely rude internet time limit of 1AM.

earlier today I got an actual double middle finger "You know what? gently caress you" *slams door*
*comes back out to yell at me*

Paratan
Jan 1, 2008

it's sumo, folks


lmfaoo yessss why do these other personalities have the most boring names (Teen apparently introduced himself as "John" at church).

Later, as John, teen explained that John was teen's much older and mature twin (? please ignore, my teen is not smart) brother.
John was 20 and I think he was supposed to be doing responsible things, but that was hard to keep up with for teen. For example, I can't even remember like. Maybe he vacuumed once and was like "oh John did that."

he doesn't do that anymore but Teen reminded me that his nickname is now Bakugo due to anime.

Engineer Lenk posted:

I love the logic from my kid around not wanting to get up and get a shower: 'If I do that I'll want to do my work so I can get screen time and I don't want to do my work so I can't take a shower.'

what . lol

Paratan
Jan 1, 2008

it's sumo, folks


teen: ok so half an hour is 45 minutes
me: no
teen: yes it is
me: no please Google it, because this is the 4th time u say this and u don't believe me when i tell you
teen: ok google *steps inside the house for a minute*

teen: ok you know how you said half an hour was 35 minutes
me: no
teen: yes you did i loving heard you

lmfao please let me eat i was enjoying nature.

but he has not freaked out at all so far since returning from grandma and stepmom and he is trying to be good. He is so bad at everything, including things he loves (we are playing pokemon sun & moon right now) .

Paratan
Jan 1, 2008

it's sumo, folks


*social worker leaves after explaining Teen is not in compliance with whatever paperwork we keep signing for him to be in foster care at 18*

OK, but if I saved $200 would you get me a series X.

Paratan
Jan 1, 2008

it's sumo, folks


Very cool, also condolences, and good luck...

Paratan
Jan 1, 2008

it's sumo, folks


I'M NOT A TEENAGERRRRRR

Paratan
Jan 1, 2008

it's sumo, folks


Ok so is it like crazy for me to be afraid that stepmom / her husband will like the idea of actually living with Teen less and less the more he sleeps over there
*nervous laughter*

Paratan
Jan 1, 2008

it's sumo, folks


I just handed the teen his chromebook (2nd one cause he broke the screen on the first free one) so he can join his social worker in talking to a possible math tutor on zoom.
He was already extremely busy playing xbox so he just placed it behind him, pointing the camera directly at his naked rear end, and then when they joined the zoom call he yelled at them that he's in the middle of a game

Paratan
Jan 1, 2008

it's sumo, folks


oops I meant to post YES that is the plan, teen is counting on it so I REALLY HOPE IT HAPPENS.

From what I understand it doesn't matter as much that they don't have room for him because he's 18, but I get the feeling I'm not really part of that beside telling the social worker I am fine with it. I assume the social worker is in touch with the stepmom and I know she talks to teen.

I did make it clear to have teen done moving by May because I was told to quietly prepare for a move (idk where) in June.

Paratan
Jan 1, 2008

it's sumo, folks


bookmarking that app , and reading is awesome. Good work, everyone

Paratan
Jan 1, 2008

it's sumo, folks


Paratan posted:

Ok so is it like crazy for me to be afraid that stepmom / her husband will like the idea of actually living with Teen less and less the more he sleeps over there
*nervous laughter*

nvm man what a time... exciting developments.
Teen spent a W HOLE WEEK with stepmom (!!!) and asked if he could stay a few more days, so he's supposed to come back today. his stepmom sounded OK with it, and it was her idea to have him there that long. i asked him about his one change of clothes ( ... ) and his breathing because he comes back fULLY congested every time.

There's a lot... going on in that home, but I can't help but feel so hopeful for them,

Paratan
Jan 1, 2008

it's sumo, folks


And yes the second time Teen asked me to take him to the doctor after coming back from stepmom they actually just gave him a COVID test lmfao (negative, praise God)

I've been wearing masks in my home since Thanksgiving

Paratan
Jan 1, 2008

it's sumo, folks


3/4 6:15am as soon as I turned off my sound machine I could hear Teen talking, loudly, in the next room. Sounds like he's two people in an anime dialogue. When I asked him if he had slept he said no and that he's busy talking to his new girlfriend. He wanted me to leave. He was talking on the roleplaying app pretending to be possesed by Bakugo. He stopped talking (probably fell asleep) around 7am.

3/4 New girlfriend apparently offered to come over and clean his room, so Teen asked me if she could come but I said no and suggested they go outside instead. Teen said she lives nearby. She will come to visit in a few weeks. (They are permanently on the phone with each other)

3/5 1pm Teen woke up. He said he got the weekends mixed up and his girlfriend is going to come hang out on the porch tomorrow at 10AM. Teen cleaned bathroom while narrating for girlfriend, carefully avoiding mentioning that it's to get his allowance.
Teen spent his allowance at grocery store buying chicken and snacks for her visit. He had a great time narrating for her what he is buying and asking her input. He helped me put groceries away and I listened to his terrible plans to bring his blankets and xbox to the porch.

3/5 7pm Teen asked me if I would drive him to get girlfriend tomorrow if she can't get a ride from her mom. She lives "20 miles out". I told him I could if she has permission, because I don't have anything to do tomorrow morning but that is not "nearby". He needs to get her address and text it to me.

3/5 8pm Teen texted me that actually "she lives in Another State" which is not nearby, so r.i.p.

Paratan
Jan 1, 2008

it's sumo, folks


yaaay congratulation.
how's the lil kid doing

Paratan
Jan 1, 2008

it's sumo, folks


I'M GOING TO BE FINE I'M EIGHTEEN

Paratan
Jan 1, 2008

it's sumo, folks


teen moving out to stepmoms family probably today it's a dream come true. omg . we survived

e: he's been back twice already for clothes and he keeps saying he's coming back. our official meeting for moving out is next week, *pats teen gently*
NONE of us are staying here lol I'm packing my stuff up next

Paratan fucked around with this message at 01:00 on Apr 1, 2021

Paratan
Jan 1, 2008

it's sumo, folks


https://www.crisisprevention.com/Blog/FASD
What is this, is this for cops? Is there a foster parent version of this page because the short paragraphs are really good and I'm about to copypaste it to some pastors, etc. who will be interacting with my teen when i move away and he's still in the area with his family ;__;

I'm mad I just learned about fetal alcohol spectrum disoreders like 6 months ago when I was listening to podcasts to make me feel better abouty my teen's behaviors because "at least he's not THAT bad" lmao

and then i asked someone who knew biomom for confirmation of prenatal alcholo exposure hahaha everything's falling into place...

edit:
ALSO i had already been practicing dealing w/brain trauma due to dementia!!!!!!! i found good results when i interacted with him like one of my dementia friends while thinking "but... but he's not an old person!" so if that website would just tell me everything without my "organization name" i'd really appreciate it.

Paratan fucked around with this message at 12:29 on Apr 7, 2021

Paratan
Jan 1, 2008

it's sumo, folks


Engineer Lenk posted:

Hey my fellow trauma-informed peeps,

Can y'all vet this three-step process I'm going to give my kid as a magic 'get out of lecture free/deescalate a tense situation' strategy?

1. Figure out why the other person is upset.
2. Let them know that you are listening to them.
3*. Let them know one thing you'll try in the future to prevent the same thing happening again.

*3 does not apply if the other person is completely irrational.

If the other person is a cop, just say 'I can't talk to you until after I've talked to my parent,' and then be quiet.

That seems like an ok starting off point to me? How'd it go?

I realized I have already packed away most of my books but when I looked it up in the old Boys Town manual, they had lists like
How to listen, how to follow directions, how to accept compliments, etc.
that were so granular I can't actually expect my teen in particular to ReMEMBER the steps all by himself.


edit: thanks I will go through that
v

Paratan fucked around with this message at 10:52 on Apr 10, 2021

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Paratan
Jan 1, 2008

it's sumo, folks


Ok well found out I'm not going to have room to foster when I move this summer. CASA here I come mayhaps

e:
oh my god this looks boring as poo poo, is there a CASA in here??

Paratan fucked around with this message at 13:35 on May 7, 2021

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