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Fall deeply in love with your victim. Make sure that your love is reciprocated. I mean super deep passion. Then kill yourself. With any luck the target should die from broken heart syndrome.
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Aug 16, 2016 18:55
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Vynar posted:Fall deeply in love with your victim. Make sure that your love is reciprocated. I mean super deep passion. Then kill yourself. With any luck the target should die from broken heart syndrome. It works in books and movies, this is a protip. (also +1)
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Aug 16, 2016 19:06
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Would like to take a moment to note that if this thread were entitled "How to get away with rape" everyone would be upset by it, but somehow because it's the violent malicious and premeditated termination of precious human life, we're ok with it. Our species is funny. (USER WAS PUT ON PROBATION FOR THIS POST) ---------------- |
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Aug 16, 2016 20:02
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misty mountaintop posted:Would like to take a moment to note that if this thread were entitled "How to get away with rape" everyone would be upset by it, but somehow because it's the violent malicious and premeditated termination of precious human life, we're ok with it. Our species is funny. Officer Buzzkillington we are glad you made it out here in time. I don't know how we could have stopped the thread without you. You are a goddamn hero.
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Aug 16, 2016 20:24
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What IS the deal with murder jokes? 
paul_soccer12 posted:everyone in the idf must die |
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Aug 16, 2016 20:27
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how to get away with TENDERLY CARESS
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Aug 16, 2016 20:30
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I just think someone should mention how hosed up it is that we as a species are okay with Tom trying to murder Jerry, but if Tom was trying to rape Jerry, well people would probably lose their poo poo. it's messed. |
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Aug 16, 2016 20:38
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p sure pepe lepew covered that territory thoroughly
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Aug 16, 2016 20:41
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Set yourself on fire and run into your victim, setting him on fire and just a victim of circumstance. Requires a plan to put yourself out quickly or else you're going down too.Luvcow posted:p sure pepe lepew covered that territory thoroughly Yeah he was more of a romance guy though. Granted he was pretty pushy about it. |
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Aug 16, 2016 21:08
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Piso Mojado posted:I just think someone should mention how hosed up it is that we as a species are okay with Tom trying to murder Jerry, but if Tom was trying to rape Jerry, well people would probably lose their poo poo. it's messed. Well it is cartoon violence where the laws of the real world don't come into play. The characters are immortal and can withstand any amount of physical pain and abuse. So their fights have no real consequence aside from audience enjoyment.
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Aug 16, 2016 22:11
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Create a sandwich so delicious that they literally cannot live without it.
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Aug 16, 2016 22:12
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misty mountaintop posted:Would like to take a moment to note that if this thread were entitled "How to get away with rape" everyone would be upset by it, but somehow because it's the violent malicious and premeditated termination of precious human life, we're ok with it. Our species is funny. Misty Mountaintop watching the new Star Wars: Yeah all the sheeple love Jedi slaughtering droids with their lightsabers, but imagine if they were all raping each other instead. |
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Aug 16, 2016 22:26
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mister magpie posted:Give the victim really bad "how to get away with murder" advice so they are caught and get the death penalty
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Aug 16, 2016 22:33
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Misty Mountaintop at the Bagel shop: You see, what if Mario raped the goombas? Cashier: Please just take your Bagel. Misty Mountaintop: What if I rape this bagel? |
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Aug 16, 2016 22:33
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give the victim a lifetime membership to a tanning salon and let the UV rays do the work |
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Aug 16, 2016 23:01
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get the victim really stoned and convince them that life is actually inception |
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Aug 16, 2016 23:02
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Ace of Baes posted:give the victim a lifetime membership to a tanning salon and let the UV rays do the work
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Aug 16, 2016 23:29
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Ace of Baes posted:give the victim a lifetime membership to a tanning salon and let the UV rays do the work how to get a ray with murder
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Aug 16, 2016 23:30
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Heartbroken 2Twice posted:have a chance encounter with a kind old man who passes along a tidbit of wisdom that just makes you stop and think for a second, about life, and love, then arrange to have lunch with him in a park once a week, feeding the birds, gradually growing closer and learning of his tragic family history, not just getting to know him better, but slowly becoming a trusted confidante in the winter of his years. one day, buy him a birthday gift that reminds him of a treasured memory from his youth - a music box, or a potato. then, one day, when he falls and shatters a brittle bone too many, be there for him - pick him up and take him to the hospital, where, after a doubtful surgery, he is confined to a bed, misty in temperament, clearly half as alive is he had been; "he knows," you think, "he must know." still, visit, frequently, because you can't shake that feeling, bringing his favorite pretzels every so often, though he doesn't eat quite as fast or as eagerly as he used to; then, one day, you don't go, and then, you just keep missing the opportunity. one day, your phone rings. it's his carers. "it's time." you drive all the way to the hospital, breaking the speed limit along the way, all because you know, you just know, that this is your last chance - you have to make it. for him. and you do - you make it just in time, and he's there, that sweet man, clawing at the air, writhing, a shadow of himself. but he notices you, and begins to eke out some words... how it meant so much that you were there for him in those last few years, what a good person he knew you were, and how everything will turn out OK for you in the end and he knows because hey, look at him, but you can't stop yourself from crying. and then, a gasp - something clicks in his eyes. it's happening. you leap into action, reaching underneath his shoulders, picking him up, flipping him around, and executing a brutal tombstone piledriver. in the legal profession we call this a 'freebie' |
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Aug 17, 2016 00:27
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make them a youtube celebrity and watch as the humanity drains from their eyes. this is what's known in the business as 'playing the long game' or 'let's play murder'
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Aug 17, 2016 01:05
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Play strip poker with them in the arctic. Cheat to ensure you win.
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Aug 17, 2016 01:33
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Kill the victim and then when they ask you if you did it, say "no" but really convincingly.
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Aug 17, 2016 03:19
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Put a sign on their back their back that says "PLEASE MURDER ME." note: I haven't figured out how to get away with putting the sign on their back yet ---------------- |
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Aug 17, 2016 03:19
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People underestimate the power of a sincere apology. If you look the police firmly in the eye and say "I'm sorry for committing murder," you should be good to go.
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Aug 17, 2016 03:21
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Watch instructional videos about how to get away with murder. There's one that sounds really good: "Making a Murderer." I bet that guy got away with it.
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Aug 17, 2016 03:21
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Keep refreshing your browser until you get the advertisement that says "PRESIDENT OBAMA WANTS SINGLE MOTHERS TO GET AWAY WITH MURDER," then click on it, and you'll get away with murder (offer valid only for single mothers).
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Aug 17, 2016 03:23
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This isn't a way to get away with murder per se but it's mildly funny: Imagine if you convinced someone to play Russian roulette so they would shoot themselves and you would get away with murder, only they pull the trigger and nothing happens so you get angry and grab the gun and try to shoot them, not remembering that most of the other chambers are empty as well. LOL. Boy would YOUR face be red.
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Aug 17, 2016 03:23
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You know how if you die in a dream you die in real life? So all you have to do is have a dream where you kill your victim and when you wake up, they'll be dead.
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Aug 17, 2016 03:24
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misty mountaintop posted:Keep refreshing your browser until you get the advertisement that says "PRESIDENT OBAMA WANTS SINGLE MOTHERS TO GET AWAY WITH MURDER," then click on it, and you'll get away with murder (offer valid only for single mothers).
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Aug 17, 2016 03:25
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misty mountaintop posted:Put a sign on their back their back that says "PLEASE MURDER ME." drat need to start checking my back more |
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Aug 17, 2016 04:08
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i once saw a man with "kick me" taped in individual letters on his back i was envious that his stalker was so ambitious
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Aug 17, 2016 04:44
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Ace of Baes posted:give the victim a lifetime membership to a tanning salon and let the UV rays do the work alternatively, don't destroy the sun as it does the same thing for free. alternatively alternatively, destroy the sun.
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Aug 17, 2016 05:46
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misty mountaintop posted:Would like to take a moment to note that if this thread were entitled "How to get away with rape" everyone would be upset by it, but somehow because it's the violent malicious and premeditated termination of precious human life, we're ok with it. Our species is funny. i think the difference is death is something every person has to contend with no matter who you are, but a good portion of the population who are men don't have to contend with a cultural implication that rape is constantly a thing you are threatened by, even if men are definitely frequently targets of sexual assaults (though less than women, 1/5 men report being sexually assaulted sometime in their lifetime, generally as children), it's not something men are trained to worry about in the same way. most rape jokes joke about rape in a way that is callous and hurtful to victims of rape, and it being such an ubiquitous crime that 1/3 women report sexual assaults in their lifetime, it's pretty infuriating and disturbing. but everybody eventually dies no matter what gender you are, so murder is slightly more fair game and joking about it doesn't press the same buttons. plus murder is far more rare and less of a societal problem, while like 11% of the male population of colleges admit to rape if you don't use the word 'rape'. Murders are like 0.1% of reported crimes and very rare in comparison. Still awful obviously of course. |
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Aug 17, 2016 09:57
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i mean what would the joke even be? how to get away with rape... just commit rape. the vast majority of rapists go unreported because the victims don't want to deal with the hassle of trying to prove it was rape or draw attention to it. Not very funny. The DPP in the UK said that police officers treat one half of all reported rapes as a false accusation even though evidence that the accusation is false only exists in 2% of those cases. I would not want to report it either to that police force, just to be told I'm a liar and to repeatedly be forced to recount what happened over and over again while under intense questioning. https://www.theguardian.com/society/2013/mar/13/rape-investigations-belief-false-accusations |
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Aug 17, 2016 09:59
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A good book on the topic: https://www.amazon.com/Second-Rape-Societys-Continued-Betrayal/dp/0669271896 'The Second Rape', about the police and medical staff that reintroduce feelings of violation and trauma on anyone that dares attempt to report on an assault. |
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Aug 17, 2016 10:04
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when questioned by the police a sincere "My bad, bro." will literally allow you to get away with murder.
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Aug 17, 2016 10:10
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Dress up as a cop, shot a person of color and when asked why you did it, respond that you do not understand the question.
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Aug 17, 2016 10:14
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<3 
<3 Vanisher |
you should tie strings to their legs and fly away
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Aug 17, 2016 11:28
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Kill dead people |
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Aug 18, 2016 02:13
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Be very secretive and belong to a shadowy government organization, u can get away with anything that way |
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Aug 18, 2016 02:14
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