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Jack off in the bathroom
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Aug 17, 2016 22:34
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Hector Beerlioz posted:Jack off in the bathroom look who works from home
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Aug 17, 2016 22:36
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piss in the sink to save your company on their water bill
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Aug 17, 2016 22:54
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Kang Wang posted:I don't ever want to be put in a position where I'm made to denigrate myself if you've ever had a job then it's too late
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Aug 17, 2016 23:00
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Find a nice spot in the parking lot to give yourself 10 mins of asking "why". Also find a good spot near your house to do the same where your wife and kids can't see you
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Aug 17, 2016 23:00
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Work your way through school and really apply yourself, having wild adventures along the way, making sacrifices of time and energy, making friends and dating nice girls you meet, living frugally, planning for the future, looking forward to a better day- all so you get rewarded with starting at a glowing rectangle for 40+ hours in an office space where you never say or do anything interesting or talk to anyone ever again
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Aug 17, 2016 23:02
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Dave_Indeed posted:Work at home and just use a macro that moves your mouse around every few seconds while you're AFK to make it look like available on the stupid skype thing. Instead of work, just masturbate or sleep all day. Later that day, get drunk and do all your work in like an hour because you're good at your job. make a relentless amount of seperate git commits for each formatting or spelling correction so your commit heat map looks like the goddamn sun
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Aug 17, 2016 23:02
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I like to do drugs while working, to enhance the labor class experience. I also lift cars and change wheels and tires and everything safety related to YOUR car  . So far only one has blown up
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Aug 17, 2016 23:03
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ThePeavstenator posted:2) Use your lunch hour to work out, run errands, etc and than eat "while working at your desk" afterwards. this is srsly a work hax i abuse every loving day to maximum effect....i workout each day and then eat at desk while viewing da youtubs for that double lunch break experience. also, only pooping at work not only lets you get paid to poop but saves you a bundle on toilet paper and hand soap costs at home. also, whilst pooping on the clock take the time while sitting there to learn how to defeat the toilet paper locking mechanism and steal a roll or two per week eliminating any home costs for such item a helpful site: http://www.stealfromwork.crimethinc.com/
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Aug 17, 2016 23:06
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Robot Pride posted:also, only pooping at work not only lets you get paid to poop but saves you a bundle on toilet paper and hand soap costs at home. ??? What's this have to do with anything???
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Aug 17, 2016 23:30
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just don't do it
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Aug 17, 2016 23:33
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sdrawkcab krow
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Aug 18, 2016 00:23
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Aug 18, 2016 00:47
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to avoid tryhards from checking over ur work email it back to them 10-15min before they usually walk out the door, usually that way they will open the email but not have time to check things over and come next day they likely wont ever have the chance
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Aug 18, 2016 00:50
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Definitely do drugs before and after. Pick one coworker to casually flirt or at least make dumb jokes with. Resist the urge to kill yourself.
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Aug 18, 2016 00:51
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during phone conferences make sure to use your cell outside so everyone can hear the wind noise and everyone starts complaining about who's phone it is.
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Aug 18, 2016 00:52
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Edgar Allan Pwned posted:Definitely do drugs before and after. Pick one coworker to casually flirt or at least make dumb jokes with. Resist the urge to kill yourself. i get all my workhacks by watching jim in the office
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Aug 18, 2016 00:53
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Put vodka in a water bottle so you can drink discretely
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Aug 18, 2016 01:29
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Ein cooler Typ posted:Put vodka in a water bottle so you can drink discretely they can still smell it on you soak a tampon in grain alcohol and stick in anus port
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Aug 18, 2016 01:33
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Ein cooler Typ posted:Put vodka in a water bottle so you can drink discretely I live in Wisconsin and a lot of the tech places around here literally have bars with beer on tap in the office.
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Aug 18, 2016 14:34
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Cover your cubicle wall in spicy meme pictures to show your generation X & baby boomer coworkers how hip and trendy you are
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Aug 18, 2016 14:58
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pee on some poop
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Aug 18, 2016 15:00
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After you've been trained and whatnot they won't want to fire you because they've already invested in you, so just don't do most of your work and they probably won't fire you. I'm experimenting with this now and haven't even gotten a warning yet!
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Aug 18, 2016 15:06
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Hector Beerlioz posted:Jack off in the bathroom or in the ceiling like that one time 
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Aug 18, 2016 15:07
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Lunch "hour"? I don't understand, how do you leave work for an hour? Don't you get in trouble?
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Aug 18, 2016 15:09
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notZaar posted:Lunch "hour"? I don't understand, how do you leave work for an hour? Don't you get in trouble? it goes with the words "career" (as opposed to "job") and "salaried" OctoberBlues posted:or in the ceiling like that one time A+ would read again
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Aug 18, 2016 15:21
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Robot Pride posted:it goes with the words "career" (as opposed to "job") and "salaried" I think you will find that's rarely true.
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Aug 18, 2016 15:27
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notZaar posted:I think you will find that's rarely true. non-whitie spotted
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Aug 18, 2016 15:28
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It's true, I'm a token but the white guys here get the same lovely lunch break.
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Aug 18, 2016 15:29
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How 2 get out of meetings 1) Slump really, really low on ur chair so no-one can see you. 2) Leave phone permanently on Do Not Disturb. 3) Straight up leaving the building for 20 minutes a while before it starts without telling anyone where you're going. 4) If you have this level of access, slyly logging into an admin email account before it starts and deleting really pointless ones (ensuring no-one gets a notification telling them it's been removed) 5) Just not going and offering no real excuse other than "couldn't go" when challenged (Surprisingly effective due to confusion / unexpectedness factor) I dunno how you people time ur poops though, I need to poop at work AND at home
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Aug 18, 2016 15:42
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Robot Pride posted:make a relentless amount of seperate git commits for each formatting or spelling correction so your commit heat map looks like the goddamn sun *rapes github of all spelling errors* *puts a ton of languages on resume he doesn't know a drat thing about*
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Aug 18, 2016 15:43
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put a stern look on your face and type a post while saying "ill be right with you" if someone wants your attention but just keep typing kind of louder and louder and make your face more and concerned looking. hit backspace a lot to make it seem like you are really a perfectionist. if you read a funny joke do not betray your poker face. if you do happen to crack a small smile and someone asks whats so funny, probably expecting that you are looking at some kind of dank meme, just say you thought of a funny family circus you read the other day. describe something PJ did that Molly didn't like.
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Aug 18, 2016 15:49
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work hard all day day goes by really fast
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Aug 18, 2016 16:44
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psychokitty posted:work hard all day too real dude
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Aug 18, 2016 16:45
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ThePeavstenator posted:too real dude it loving works
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Aug 18, 2016 16:45
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Brown nose your way into middle management then it'll be smooth sailing untill retirement
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Aug 18, 2016 16:47
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Alternatively: show up late and leave early, day is even shorter
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Aug 18, 2016 16:47
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marry someone rich and never work a day in your life
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Aug 18, 2016 16:47
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psychokitty posted:work hard all day *boss gets SA account to attempt covert operations to increase output of lazy employees that post at work*
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Aug 18, 2016 16:48
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ThePeavstenator posted:Alternatively: show up late and leave early, day is even shorter that is implied
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Aug 18, 2016 16:49
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