tips for the newly deceased

The Something Awful Forums > Main > BYOB: BYOB BYOB BOYB BBOY YOBB YBOB BBYO?? > tips for the newly deceased

google THIS

School Nickname posted:

Today in 2009, I died of a heart attack and after a couple of months in purgatory, the Department of Heavenly Assignment finally reviewed my case and sent me here for my afterlife.

Vynar posted:

you got punked. Those guys at the DHA are laughing their butts off right now. This is the waiting room for when there is overflow at the DHA offices and the lines start to stretch out the door.

Ahundredbux posted:

lol just get buried with coins over your eyes so you can bribe them

Ugh, we all know a story like this. Like forums poster School Nickname, far too many of us book our reservation for the afterlife without making any plans for what we're going to do once we get there, no clue about the rules and brimstone tape involved. And that's just not right. Eternity only comes around once! Don't waste it!

This is a thread for all of the dead and dying posters among us to share tips and learn new tricks for navigating the great beyond. So whether you're going to a better place, sailing the Styx, accepting the sweet embrace of oblivion, or still floating/shambling around on this plane like a loser (hey, happens to the best of us), this is where you can learn how to start things off right.

# ? Sep 3, 2016 16:56

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# ? Apr 26, 2024 07:40

FactsAreUseless

You can't say "poltergeist." That's their word. Not yours. There's history and context.

# ? Sep 3, 2016 17:02

Matoi Ryuko

There's a new door in your house that leads to a staircase, at the top of the staircase is a door, but whatever you do, don't go through that door.

# ? Sep 3, 2016 17:04

google THIS

one classic blunder is to allow your funeral planner to talk you into putting your organs in jars and having the rest of your family buried alive with you. the second he says "natron" or "slaves" fire him immediately. he's trying to sell you a pyramid scheme

# ? Sep 3, 2016 17:05

The X-man cometh

As tempting as it is to visit your family and ask them to avenge your death, keep in mind this can be a real financial burden on them, especially given funeral costs.

# ? Sep 3, 2016 17:16

google THIS

if you can still speak after having your lungs inflated by a fireplace bellow, you may be only mostly dead and therefore not yet eligible to collect your afterlife benefits. talk to your agent. bring someone along to work the bellow.

# ? Sep 3, 2016 17:18

FactsAreUseless

Yes, ghosts can still get diabetes. Sorry. Just is the way it is.

# ? Sep 3, 2016 17:20

FactsAreUseless

As a ghost, you can supernaturally influence any object except Ouija boards. Those are all Satan. Licensing issues.

# ? Sep 3, 2016 17:24

google THIS

please refrain from telling cheesy jokes to your tormentors like "what the hell is going on here?" or "I picked a hell of a day to quit drinking." trust me, they've heard them all before, and their job is hard enough as it is

# ? Sep 3, 2016 17:27

FactsAreUseless

Basically everyone around here is Jewish. We mostly converted after we died. Just makes sense, you know? Yom Kippur's big here. Big dinner and stuff.

# ? Sep 3, 2016 17:34

FactsAreUseless

Yeah, that's Hitler. Nope. Nope, that's him. Yeah. Yeah, little turquoise store. Very New Mexico. I don't know why. Guy likes turquoise. All sins are forgiven, etc. I dunno though. Still feels weird. People are pretty passive-aggressive towards him. Can't blame them.

# ? Sep 3, 2016 17:36

Ahundredbux: The right to bear arms

as a ghost , practice possessing inanimate objects and after enough training you can posses your own corpse and come back to life, its pretty easy once you try it

# ? Sep 3, 2016 17:51

FactsAreUseless

Check it out you can totally watch all your old boyfriends gently caress through this magic telescope, Heaven kicks rear end.

# ? Sep 3, 2016 17:52

Ahundredbux: The right to bear arms

FactsAreUseless posted:

Check it out you can totally watch all your old boyfriends gently caress through this magic telescope, Heaven kicks rear end.

big whoop,you can do this while youre alive with a powerful telescope

# ? Sep 3, 2016 17:54

Ahundredbux: The right to bear arms

heaven is a scam, it looks real good at first glance but it has like 5 hours of gameplay at most

# ? Sep 3, 2016 17:54

google THIS

if you don't know about the secret menu at the nectar fountain then frankly I don't know what to say to you

# ? Sep 3, 2016 17:56

I Was The Fury: Always stop to smell the flowers, just in case they're weeds

If you're looking to fill some of your now neverending time check in with some local necromancers, they'll hire anyone.

# ? Sep 3, 2016 19:19

I Was The Fury: Always stop to smell the flowers, just in case they're weeds

It might be tempting to try and get a position as a lich, but the market is crowded right now and all the crypts are overstaffed.

# ? Sep 3, 2016 19:19

misty mountaintop: by Hand Knit

Just...chill out...

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This thread brought to you by a tremendous dickhead!

# ? Sep 3, 2016 19:29

Ahundredbux: The right to bear arms

make sure you'renot buried naked to avoid embarrassing your local necromancer

# ? Sep 3, 2016 19:33

The X-man cometh

Don't be a jerk and move into a wights-only neighborhood.

----------------
This thread brought to you by a tremendous dickhead!

# ? Sep 3, 2016 21:35

Macnult

now is the time to finally learn piano

# ? Sep 4, 2016 06:01

City of Glompton

learn the rules of pinochle, because the worms will ask.

thank you PSP for the beautiful spring sig

# ? Sep 4, 2016 06:41

darkarchon: My name is a trolling word

Macnult posted:

now is the time to finally learn piano

Rather learn the trombone of you can doot doot and be a spooky skelington

# ? Sep 4, 2016 08:58

Rags to Liches: future skeleton soldier

I Was The Fury posted:

It might be tempting to try and get a position as a lich, but the market is crowded right now and all the crypts are overstaffed.

With the recession going on, all the paladin orders are cutting back. Best to become a draugr imo.

# ? Sep 4, 2016 09:12

problematic hug

rise again

# ? Sep 4, 2016 10:47

Lastgirl: Good Morning!
Sunday Morning!

FactsAreUseless posted:

You can't say "poltergeist." That's their word. Not yours. There's history and context.

Ectoplasm-American is okay to say though right? forgive my ignorance

sometimes they preferred to be called Corporeally Challenged that much I know

# ? Sep 4, 2016 13:50

Senior Management

Make sure that your will is iron clad. The last thing you want is to be bound to your old office because Janice from accounting claimed your favorite stapler even though you told her to never touch anything on your desk.

:jerry:

# ? Sep 4, 2016 18:47

ThingOne: Would you like some tofu?

The buffet ran out of Behemoth a few centuries ago. There's still some Leviathan left but the heatlamps have kinda dried it out.

# ? Sep 4, 2016 19:06

Rags to Liches: future skeleton soldier

ThingOne posted:

The buffet ran out of Behemoth a few centuries ago. There's still some Leviathan left but the heatlamps have kinda dried it out.

The calamari they made out of the Kraken last millennium is still good.

# ? Sep 4, 2016 19:26

google THIS

there's plenty of ouroborus but the ouroborus keeps hogging it

# ? Sep 4, 2016 19:38

Munchables: Ask/tell me about legal cannibalism

google THIS posted:

there's plenty of ouroborus but the ouroborus keeps hogging it

# ? Sep 4, 2016 20:41

GODSPEED JOHN GLENN: I put my thumb up my bum and shut one eye, and my thumb blotted out the planet Earth.

google THIS posted:

there's plenty of ouroborus but the ouroborus keeps hogging it

# ? Sep 4, 2016 21:30

Piso Mojado

google THIS posted:

there's plenty of ouroborus but the ouroborus keeps hogging it

:iamafag:

# ? Sep 5, 2016 19:22

The X-man cometh

Please stop contacting your nephew from beyond the grave to ask him how to fix your internet.

# ? Sep 5, 2016 19:40

poverty goat

Speak loudly and clearly when speaking to the living instead of being all ooooOOOOOOooooooOOOOOOoooo. it's important to remember that most living humans don't speak eldritch

# ? Sep 5, 2016 19:49

Senior Management

Remember that if you possess a human body it is best to leave it in as good as or better condition than when you found it.

:jerry:

# ? Sep 5, 2016 20:12

The X-man cometh

Vynar posted:

Remember that if you possess a human body it is best to leave it in as good as or better condition than when you found it.

Take nothing but souls, leave nothing but nightmares.

# ? Sep 5, 2016 21:48

Rags to Liches: future skeleton soldier

The Goatfather posted:

Speak loudly and clearly when speaking to the living instead of being all ooooOOOOOOooooooOOOOOOoooo. it's important to remember that most living humans don't speak eldritch

And the ones who do are too busy with scholarly research to be decent conversationalists.

# ? Sep 6, 2016 05:58

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# ? Apr 26, 2024 07:40

GODSPEED JOHN GLENN: I put my thumb up my bum and shut one eye, and my thumb blotted out the planet Earth.

google THIS posted:

there's plenty of ouroborus but the ouroborus keeps hogging it

# ? Sep 6, 2016 09:19

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