Lucien's Shop of Oddities

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > General Bullshit > Lucien's Shop of Oddities

Nathilus: Apr 4, 2002; I alone can see through the media bias.

I'm also stupid on a scale that can only be measured in Reddits.

Hi my name is (not) Lucien and this is my wonderful shop of magical oddities. I am here to serve all of your hubristic desires. Want a ditty that will make people give you money? I have a tune that will BURY you in currency. Need a bigger dick? My dick cream will make it groe up to 3x its original size and make you impotent.

State your desire, it can all be yours for the low price of one relatively minor drawback.

We are now open for e-commerce. Connect to us by saying "www.luciensoddities.com" while spinning thrice widdershins at any crossroad!

# ? Sep 4, 2016 01:34

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# ? Apr 16, 2024 15:10

Orkin Mang: Nov 1, 2007; by FactsAreUseless

im spinning with her fibulas at the crossroads but nothings happening. anyway id like a bag of holding pls

# ? Sep 4, 2016 01:36

Nathilus: Apr 4, 2002; I alone can see through the media bias.

I'm also stupid on a scale that can only be measured in Reddits.

Orkin Mang posted:

im spinning with her fibulas at the crossroads but nothings happening. anyway id like a bag of holding pls

The bag sucks you in and attempts to hold you indefinitely upon its first use. :smug:

# ? Sep 4, 2016 01:40

Vegetable: Oct 22, 2010

the only oddity here is you, OP

# ? Sep 4, 2016 01:42

Pimpcasso: Mar 13, 2002; VOLS BITCH

i want a dollar

# ? Sep 4, 2016 01:43

Orkin Mang: Nov 1, 2007; by FactsAreUseless

Nathilus posted:

The bag sucks you in and attempts to hold you indefinitely upon its first use.

then throw some couches and vittles my way, friend

# ? Sep 4, 2016 01:43

Blue Train: Jun 17, 2012

I'll take the dick cream, I got this viagra so it's all good

# ? Sep 4, 2016 01:44

ClamdestineBoyster: Aug 15, 2015; Can't post for 10 years!

Oh Christ is this gonna be like needful things? :bunt:

# ? Sep 4, 2016 01:45

satanic splash-back: Jan 28, 2009

i liked that one episode of rick and morty too

# ? Sep 4, 2016 01:46

Nathilus: Apr 4, 2002; I alone can see through the media bias.

I'm also stupid on a scale that can only be measured in Reddits.

Vegetable posted:

the only oddity here is you, OP

Don't you disrespect me little man. Don't you derogate or deride. You're in my world now, not your world. And I got friends on the other side. (He's got friends on the other side).

That's an echo gentlemen. Just a little something we have in louisiana. Just a parlor trick, don't worry.

# ? Sep 4, 2016 01:47

Nathilus: Apr 4, 2002; I alone can see through the media bias.

I'm also stupid on a scale that can only be measured in Reddits.

vols bitch posted:

i want a dollar

The dollar makes any nearby furries want to furpile with you. They prove to be unstoppable. RIP.

satanic splash-back posted:

i liked that one episode of rick and morty too

No X plz.

# ? Sep 4, 2016 01:49

Nathilus: Apr 4, 2002; I alone can see through the media bias.

I'm also stupid on a scale that can only be measured in Reddits.

Orkin Mang posted:

then throw some couches and vittles my way, friend

Whoops almost missed this. Apologies fren, one item per customer.

# ? Sep 4, 2016 01:53

Nolan Arenado: May 8, 2009

Thread had 5 potential, it's right at a 3 though.

# ? Sep 4, 2016 01:54

Iron Prince: Aug 28, 2005; Buglord

is there something that can make me jizz "French style"

# ? Sep 4, 2016 01:54

Nathilus: Apr 4, 2002; I alone can see through the media bias.

I'm also stupid on a scale that can only be measured in Reddits.

OctoberBlues posted:

Thread had 5 potential, it's right at a 3 though.

I wished upon my own store for gold. It was only anthracite.

Guess my powers dont work on myself.

Iron Prince posted:

is there something that can make me jizz "French style"

I.... Well.....

Ahem.

Mr. Customer. My deepest apologies. It seems that ~~hell~~ my associates and myself hath no knowledge of this "jizzing french style". As recompense for this failing, we reward you a voucher for an item with lesser than normal drawbacks.

Again, we sincerely apologize.

# ? Sep 4, 2016 02:01

Two Free Toppings: Jul 1, 2007; SUCK
THE
SHIT
OUT
OF
MY
OWN
ASSHOLE

I would please like a twin brother who is super nice and friendly and beloved and I am the evil one because I do not look good with a goatee and I would like an excuse to wear one anyway. Please do not curse me. Thanks pal! (Also I would like to have the larger penis between the two of us. Thank you, god bless!)

# ? Sep 4, 2016 02:03

Murray Mantoinette: Jun 11, 2005; ＴＨＥＰＯＳＴＳＭＵＳＴＦＬＯＷ; Clapping Larry

Y'all got any cursed titty magazines in here?

# ? Sep 4, 2016 02:04

Murray Mantoinette: Jun 11, 2005; ＴＨＥＰＯＳＴＳＭＵＳＴＦＬＯＷ; Clapping Larry

*Adjusts trucker hat* Honey! Come check this out! 'Lesser... key... of... Solomon'. Heh! Don't look like no key I never seen. More like a big circuit diagram or one o' them D&D maps Gerald and his nerd friends like to play on.

Hey buddy! I like this Nee-Kro-No-Mee-Kawn fer my coffee table. Give ya *rifles through jeans* 28 bucks for it.

# ? Sep 4, 2016 02:06

Nathilus: Apr 4, 2002; I alone can see through the media bias.

I'm also stupid on a scale that can only be measured in Reddits.

Peebla posted:

I would please like a twin brother who is super nice and friendly and beloved and I am the evil one because I do not look good with a goatee and I would like an excuse to wear one anyway. Please do not curse me. Thanks pal! (Also I would like to have the larger penis between the two of us. Thank you, god bless!)

Uh. Let's see. Here's a mirror that does that. It doesn't have any additional curse. That is uneeded, since you are freely consigning your heart to evil. I'm not the nice elderly chap who is trying to teach you a valuable life lesson about hubris. I'm (not) Lucien.

st1LL_51ngl3 posted:

Y'all got any cursed titty magazines in here?

Sure, sure. We have ones that will make you grow tits, ones that show tits so fantastic that real tits will no longer do it for you, ones that will attract tits (such that you are buried in tits and suffocate), ones that will make your so grow perfect tits and turn into a raging bitch who makes your life hell, all that sort of thing. It's against store policy to allow you to take your pick, because for example maybe your so is already making your life hell; we are all about personalized service. So if you could help narrow down the effect you'd like your skin mag to have on your life?

# ? Sep 4, 2016 02:11

Nathilus: Apr 4, 2002; I alone can see through the media bias.

I'm also stupid on a scale that can only be measured in Reddits.

st1LL_51ngl3 posted:

*Adjusts trucker hat* Honey! Come check this out! 'Lesser... key... of... Solomon'. Heh! Don't look like no key I never seen. More like a big circuit diagram or one o' them D&D maps Gerald and his nerd friends like to play on.

Hey buddy! I like this Nee-Kro-No-Mee-Kawn fer my coffee table. Give ya *rifles through jeans* 28 bucks for it.

An excellent choice, ser. It gaurantees limitless cosmic knowledge and the power to bring lost loved ones back to your side. It comes with a free double barrelled 12 gauge shotgun. The gun is off the books btw.

# ? Sep 4, 2016 02:14

Murray Mantoinette: Jun 11, 2005; ＴＨＥＰＯＳＴＳＭＵＳＴＦＬＯＷ; Clapping Larry

Nathilus posted:

Uh. Let's see. Here's a mirror that does that. It doesn't have any additional curse. That is uneeded, since you are freely consigning your heart to evil. I'm not the nice elderly chap who is trying to teach you a valuable life lesson about hubris. I'm (not) Lucien.

Sure, sure. We have ones that will make you grow tits, ones that show tits so fantastic that real tits will no longer do it for you, ones that will attract tits (such that you are buried in tits and suffocate), ones that will make your so grow perfect tits and turn into a raging bitch who makes your life hell, all that sort of thing. It's against store policy to allow you to take your pick, because for example maybe your so is already making your life hell; we are all about personalized service. So if you could help narrow down the effect you'd like your skin mag to have on your life?

Well see, thing is... I'm on a lotta long hauls, usually 'tween Dallas and the east coast. Gets kinda lonely out there at times, so, like, maybe a titty mag that comes to life and she's like my soul mate and a true reflection of my inner self, but then she turns into a horrible bitch and I realize it's cuz I'm ugly on the inside and I try to change but then it's too late and I die in a accident while rushing back home to apologize to my wife and dumb kid and try to reform my ways but, like, the magic magazine chick is latina?

# ? Sep 4, 2016 02:15

VendaGoat: Nov 1, 2005

Do you just have a regular ol' wife op?

AMIRITE guys? :smuggo:

# ? Sep 4, 2016 02:16

Nathilus: Apr 4, 2002; I alone can see through the media bias.

I'm also stupid on a scale that can only be measured in Reddits.

st1LL_51ngl3 posted:

Well see, thing is... I'm on a lotta long hauls, usually 'tween Dallas and the east coast. Gets kinda lonely out there at times, so, like, maybe a titty mag that comes to life and she's like my soul mate and a true reflection of my inner self, but then she turns into a horrible bitch and I realize it's cuz I'm ugly on the inside and I try to change but then it's too late and I die in a accident while rushing back home to apologize to my wife and dumb kid and try to reform my ways but, like, the magic magazine chick is latina?

Yes, that would be acceptable. (except when you get the book she's going to be laotian hahahahahAhahahahahahahahahahhaaaaaa!) but we have a strict policy of one item per customer. Limitless cosmic knowledge, or the hateful love slave?

# ? Sep 4, 2016 02:17

Murray Mantoinette: Jun 11, 2005; ＴＨＥＰＯＳＴＳＭＵＳＴＦＬＯＷ; Clapping Larry

Nathilus posted:

Yes, that would be acceptable. (except when you get the book she's going to be laotian hahahahahAhahahahahahahahahahhaaaaaa!) but we have a strict policy of one item per customer. Limitless cosmic knowledge, or the hateful love slave?

Well you see this ring on my finger? Means I already got me a hateful love-slave ahahah you get what I mean buddy!? *slaps you on the back heartily but overly hard and buffoonishly* so, uh, guess I'll take the book and-- wow! What's that wrapped in? Leather? Fancy!

# ? Sep 4, 2016 02:19

Principals Orifice: Aug 23, 2016; by Lowtax

i would like to purchase a copy of time magazine from a different universe where Hitler one and it's called The Rhein magazine or something lol

# ? Sep 4, 2016 02:22

Principals Orifice: Aug 23, 2016; by Lowtax

where Hitler won sorry

# ? Sep 4, 2016 02:22

Nathilus: Apr 4, 2002; I alone can see through the media bias.

I'm also stupid on a scale that can only be measured in Reddits.

VendaGoat posted:

Do you just have a regular ol' wife op?

AMIRITE guys?

I'm kind of the embodiment of pride and self love. I don't go in for that kind of thing.

Also for mocking the proprietor you turn into a goat that dispenses vending machines.

# ? Sep 4, 2016 02:24

VendaGoat: Nov 1, 2005

Nathilus posted:

I'm kind of the embodiment of pride and self love. I don't go in for that kind of thing.

Also for mocking the proprietor you turn into a goat that dispenses vending machines.

BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH *CHA-CHUG*

BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH *CHA-CHUG*

# ? Sep 4, 2016 02:25

Nathilus: Apr 4, 2002; I alone can see through the media bias.

I'm also stupid on a scale that can only be measured in Reddits.

st1LL_51ngl3 posted:

Well you see this ring on my finger? Means I already got me a hateful love-slave ahahah you get what I mean buddy!? *slaps you on the back heartily but overly hard and buffoonishly* so, uh, guess I'll take the book and-- wow! What's that wrapped in? Leather? Fancy!

*chuckles politely* Indeed.

Yes, real leather of the finest quality, painstakingly hand-crafted from a selection of the finest free-range specimens and preserved with all natural ingredients!

# ? Sep 4, 2016 02:29

Nathilus: Apr 4, 2002; I alone can see through the media bias.

I'm also stupid on a scale that can only be measured in Reddits.

VendaGoat posted:

BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH *CHA-CHUG*

BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH *CHA-CHUG*

# ? Sep 4, 2016 02:30

Nathilus: Apr 4, 2002; I alone can see through the media bias.

I'm also stupid on a scale that can only be measured in Reddits.

Sid Vicious posted:

i would like to purchase a copy of time magazine from a different universe where Hitler one and it's called The Rhein magazine or something lol

When you recieve it, it is titled "The Reicht Stuff", dated "september 3rd 2016" and has a picture of a smiling aryan couple with two infants and a toddler splashed gayly across thr cover.

Upon opening it you are instantly transposed with the gender figure on the cover which is most befitting your sexual and gender orientation and left to live out a banal, middle-class aryan american parenthood existence without any hope of tacos or all the things jews make like movies and stuff, or falafel or chinese food or yoga or yogurt or anything else that makes life worth living. Heil! Heil! Heil!

# ? Sep 4, 2016 02:41

Principals Orifice: Aug 23, 2016; by Lowtax

drat I regret this almost immediately

# ? Sep 4, 2016 02:45

a hole-y ghost: May 10, 2010

here's $3 I'm just going to piss on your face thanks

# ? Sep 4, 2016 03:42

Mumpy Puffinz: Aug 11, 2008; Nap Ghost

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bOtMizMQ6oM

# ? Sep 4, 2016 03:44

Warm und Fuzzy: Jun 20, 2006

Mogwai me.

# ? Sep 4, 2016 03:44

ClamdestineBoyster: Aug 15, 2015; Can't post for 10 years!

Hello, I would like 10 single pages of blank narrow ruled notebook paper, no binder holes thx.

# ? Sep 4, 2016 03:48

Nathilus: Apr 4, 2002; I alone can see through the media bias.

I'm also stupid on a scale that can only be measured in Reddits.

a hole-y ghost posted:

here's $3 I'm just going to piss on your face thanks

Your mouth fills with poo poo and your ears overflow with vomit for attempting to molest the proprietor.

Warm und Fuzzy posted:

Mogwai me.

Your new living furby is cute as hell and makes for an absolutely fantastic masturbation aid. But if you use it as such it spawns a horrific array of lilithian monstrosities, similiar only in their boundless rapacity and hatred of life.

ClamdestineBoyster posted:

Hello, I would like 10 single pages of blank narrow ruled notebook paper, no binder holes thx.

This paper. It's fantastic! The grain is almost unbelievable, and writing upon it is a euphoric, transcendant experience. After you and the paper are spent, you shuffle back to the beginning to reread what you are sure is either an opus or a revelation.

"All work and no play" begin the words in your own handwriting "makes John a dull boy."

# ? Sep 4, 2016 04:09

Mr. Meagles: Apr 30, 2004; Out here, everything hurts

GIMME THE DICK CRAEM

# ? Sep 4, 2016 04:10

Nathilus: Apr 4, 2002; I alone can see through the media bias.

I'm also stupid on a scale that can only be measured in Reddits.

Tom Gorman posted:

GIMME THE DICK CRAEM

That item has already been taken. Here's a penis pump that will make your dick larger but not also upgrade your girth, so it will be hilariously skinny and streched out looking.

# ? Sep 4, 2016 04:13

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# ? Apr 16, 2024 15:10

ClamdestineBoyster: Aug 15, 2015; Can't post for 10 years!

Nathilus posted:

Your mouth fills with poo poo and your ears overflow with vomit for attempting to molest the proprietor.

Your new living furby is cute as hell and makes for an absolutely fantastic masturbation aid. But if you use it as such it spawns a horrific array of lilithian monstrosities, similiar only in their boundless rapacity and hatred of life.

This paper. It's fantastic! The grain is almost unbelievable, and writing upon it is a euphoric, transcendant experience. After you and the paper are spent, you shuffle back to the beginning to reread what you are sure is either an opus or a revelation.

"All work and no play" begin the words in your own handwriting "makes John a dull boy."

Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man a woman, miss out on the night life. :smith:

Hey gimme like 3 packs of nodoz op.

# ? Sep 4, 2016 04:13

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