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Fansy
Feb 26, 2013



Grimey Drawer

Do you have a $38 pair of underwear?  A THIRTY EIGHT DOLLAR PAIR. As an owner of an entire drawer full of luxury undies, let me tell you: they're amazing. Every morning I wake up and put on the best underwear humanity has created.  Each one is made from something extravagant: Egyptian cottons, 17.5 micron merino wools, teddybear-soft modal, and they feel like supportive air.  That's my life.  Now it can be your life.

I'm not selling you anything, this is an exploit. I'm sharing this exploit because you're my friend.  When you shake my hand next time we meet, know this: I'm wearing luxury underwear.  I hope you will be too.  
Here's how it works: Luxury underwear companies are confident.  Each one has a claim similar to, "If this is not the best pair of underwear you have *EVER WORN*, it's free" If you're an honest person, like me, you can only pay for one pair: the best you've ever worn.  If you pay for your entire drawer full of rich people underwear, you're a liar.
 
The Underwears:
----
Mack Weldon
https://goo.gl/sgp4q6
Mack Weldon's "Try On Guarantee" says that if you don't love your first pair, they're free. Be aware that loving a material object is a sign of loneliness. For mental health's sake, try not to fall in love with underwear.

Refund experience: A single email was sent, and they replied the next day that they were refunding the undies.

Template:
trial@mackweldon.com
Hello,
I'd like a refund on ORDER #XXXXXXXX
I like the underwear very much, but I'm not in love with them. Thank you for the fast shipping and great service to date.
----


Tommy John
https://goo.gl/sRhDZU
Tommy John's "Best Pair You'll Ever Wear" guarantee is pretty simple. If it's not the best pair you've ever worn, you'd be a liar to pay for it. The guarantee includes free undies and a shirt.

Refund experience: Two emails were required. First I requested the refund, then they asked "what is the best pair you've ever worn". After I answered, the refund for both shirt & undies was processed.

Template:

support@tommyjohn.com
Hello, I'd like to initiate a refund on order #xxxxx
I believe this refund falls under the new customer guarantee.
Thank you for your time.
----


Meundies
https://goo.gl/OUNi2i
Meundies claims on their page that you are purchasing "The World's Most comfortable Underwear". They also have a "100% satisfaction guarantee". If they don't deliver you the literal "world's most comfortable underwear", then it's impossible to be 100% satisfied, and your undies are free.

Refund experience:
Quick, painless, nearly immediate. One email.

Template:
support@meundies.com
Hello,
I'd like to initiate a refund on order #xxxxxxxx
Thanks for your time.
----


Wool&Prince
https://goo.gl/cT2wkO
Wool&Prince has a "First pair on us if you're not satisfied" guarantee. Their marketing doesn't make outrageous claims, but they do say "you'll love our boxer briefs." If you don't feel true love for the underwear, you can rightly claim a refund and enjoy free undies.

Refund experience:
I didn't refund mine because I legit fell in love, but my friend received a refund to his card a few days after the single email.

Template:
help@woolandprince.com
Hello,
I was not 100% satisfied and I'd like a refund for the boxers on order #xxxxx
Thank you for your time.
----


Keep in mind all of the above are for "new customers". If you've previously purchased from one of the underwear stores above, they're not going to refund you.
That's all for today, more to come. I apologize for not studying women's underwear. I tried yesterday but my mom walked in the room and I became very embarrassed, even though she said looking at the JCPenney catalog is healthy for a young man. Such a good mom. I love you, mom!

If you have any questions let me know, I'll be posting all day.

If you liked this add me to your buddy list on the SomethingAwful forums:
http://forums.somethingawful.com/me...o&userid=197075

Fansy fucked around with this message at Sep 20, 2016 around 23:29

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Falun Bong Refugee
Dec 14, 2015

by FactsAreUseless


What are you gonna do with the drawer part though? Do they make you buy the rest of the dresser? That's where they get you.

Roylicious
Feb 21, 2012


Every day I wear new socks and then they get washed and donated meanwhile you're scamming for underwear.

Feels good man.

R-Type
Oct 10, 2005


When the OP winds up in federal prison for interstate mail fraud, I wonder who's underwear he'll be wearing.

Nathilus
Apr 4, 2002

I alone can see through the media bias.

I'm also stupid on a scale that can only be measured in Reddits.

Commando 4 life your junk doesnt need to be coddled or supported just let it hang out.

wyntyr
Mar 27, 2006


lol if your underwear isn't hand tailored by a seamstress to fit your gigantic, world-encircling dong

down n out
Sep 16, 2008



Nap Ghost

I'll purchase expensive dong cloth only if it uses scented threads to make my skidmarks smell like pinecones

Absolute Lithops
Aug 28, 2011

After one long season
of waiting, after one
long season of wanting


Merino wool is a poor choice for boxers/briefs imo

Fansy
Feb 26, 2013



Grimey Drawer

Absolute Lithops posted:

Merino wool is a poor choice for boxers/briefs imo

it's resistant to odor and at 17.5 micron it's actually thin and cool. I love mine.

ClamdestineBoyster
Aug 15, 2015



Wow it transforms your farts into an aromatic bouquet.

extra stout
Feb 24, 2005


Roylicious posted:

Every day I wear new socks and then they get washed and donated meanwhile you're scamming for underwear.

Feels good man.

america has reached a point where if you hold a business accountable for a thing they promise you in advertising you have just committed GRAND THEFT UNDERWEAR

i can't possibly care enough about 'luxury' underwear enough to do this, but if too many people do it they can just...all stop promising a money back guarantee that they are the best of the 18 brands of 38 dollar underwear made by 15 year old girls in sri lanka

Dandywalken
Feb 11, 2014


extra stout posted:

america has reached a point where if you hold a business accountable for a thing they promise you in advertising you have just committed GRAND THEFT UNDERWEAR

Book 'em!!!

automaticswim
Jan 7, 2005

butt interrogator


how much is your alimony that you are this desperate

Roylicious
Feb 21, 2012


extra stout posted:

the best of the 18 brands of 38 dollar underwear made by 15 year old girls in sri lanka

Those factories provide jobs that pay way more than anything else they'd probably be doing instead, they should be grateful for economic development

The USA had its industrialization period with child labor and sketchy safety, too. Growing pains.

Arkanomen
May 6, 2007

All he wants is a hug


They don't make 100% polyester boxers anymore and that makes me sad.

Millions of Crows
Mar 31, 2010

take a look overhead

All this email and bullshit seems like a hassle and lot less fun than just stealing the underwear drawer of a rich man, or robbing a Lululemon warehouse.
I wanted a heist but this all mail order.

penus penus penus
Nov 8, 2014

by piss__donald


wowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

donkey salami
Jun 28, 2008

DUNK A DILL PICKLE REALDO

Grimey Drawer

The trick is to be dishonest?

That is no way to raise your genitalia

Fansy
Feb 26, 2013



Grimey Drawer

donkey salami posted:

The trick is to be dishonest?

That is no way to raise your genitalia

At no point was I dishonest, quite the opposite.

extra stout
Feb 24, 2005


Roylicious posted:

Those factories provide jobs that pay way more than anything else they'd probably be doing instead, they should be grateful for economic development

The USA had its industrialization period with child labor and sketchy safety, too. Growing pains.

you went from sucking off the fat cats in the big undy businesses to instead claiming it is good that we pay for child labor instead of doing it here


i uhhh don't know which thing to reply to anymore


i hope thousands of goons refund the underwear as is their right

Novo
May 13, 2003

Stercorem pro cerebro habes

Fansy posted:

At no point was I dishonest, quite the opposite.

You said it's the best underwear humanity has created then you emailed all those people and said you didn't like them. So either you were dishonest with them or with us.

Fansy
Feb 26, 2013



Grimey Drawer

Novo posted:

You said it's the best underwear humanity has created then you emailed all those people and said you didn't like them. So either you were dishonest with them or with us.

Only one can truly be the best, and I paid for that one. The others I had to be honest about, as I'm an honest man. Not a liar who pays for underwear out of sympathy.

Roylicious
Feb 21, 2012


extra stout posted:

you went from sucking off the fat cats in the big undy businesses to instead claiming it is good that we pay for child labor instead of doing it here


i uhhh don't know which thing to reply to anymore


i hope thousands of goons refund the underwear as is their right

???

I said I like wearing new socks every day and I was being half facetious about the economic development thing. Relax. Besides neither position is anti-business is it? Cheap labor is good if you're the one paying for it.

afkmacro
Mar 29, 2009




Fansy posted:

Only one can truly be the best, and I paid for that one. The others I had to be honest about, as I'm an honest man. Not a liar who pays for underwear out of sympathy.

Eat your underwear and choke on it.

jon joe
Oct 19, 2011


Fansy's fanny is doing finey.

FuhrerHat
Feb 26, 2004
THE INTERNET PAID ME TO FUCK A HIGH SCHOOL MIDGET


wait i dont understand dont you only have one pair in the end, thats not really a drawer (sorry i got dumped on the head)

Alan Smithee
Jan 3, 2005


ur not lowtax op gently caress off

Marmaduke!
May 19, 2009

Why would it do that!?

Do they not make you return the underwear if you get a refund? I guess not, otherwise you'd have to post off your used underwear for money, I can't see a goon doing that

turbomoose
Nov 29, 2008
Playing the banjo can be a relaxing activity and create lifelong friendships!
\


Squalitude posted:

Do they not make you return the underwear if you get a refund? I guess not, otherwise you'd have to post off your used underwear for money, I can't see a goon doing that

It's like amazon, if you want to return an item that's under like $15 then they just tell you to keep it since it would cost them money for return shipping and they would lose more money listing the item than they would get by reselling it.

Stealthgerbil
Dec 15, 2004


do they make you wash the underwear before returning it?

Puppy Galaxy
Aug 1, 2004



Lipstick Apathy

Voted 5, my penis thanks you goon sire

Fansy
Feb 26, 2013



Grimey Drawer

You keep the underwear guys. That's why I posted this

SCROTO TURBOSPERG
Jan 21, 2007

Suck the shit out of my own asshole, please

what is an underwear

E Equals MC Hammer
Jun 9, 2008



please don't be fraudulent in gbs thanks

the ol pump-n-bump
Jul 27, 2004

by Smythe


what kind of drawer is full with four pairs of underwear

Fansy
Feb 26, 2013



Grimey Drawer

E Equals MC Hammer posted:

please don't be fraudulent in gbs thanks

Where is the fraud?

Topographic Nap
Apr 22, 2007



If its not the best underwear ever made (crotchless silk thong made in '96) then its not going to be the best pair you've ever worn. But you have no way of knowing this until you try them on.

George H.W. Cunt
Oct 6, 2010


MeUndies are legit the best underwear though

George H.W. Cunt
Oct 6, 2010


like i've gotten $100 bux of free underwear from referring goons it owns

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SCROTO TURBOSPERG
Jan 21, 2007

Suck the shit out of my own asshole, please

no underwear is the best underwear

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