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Proper Kerni ng
Nov 14, 2011





Butterflied venison backstrap steaks seared rare-side-of-medium-rare with kosher salt and black pepper, with red potatoes that aren't actually burned, but par-microwaved and finished with olive oil, rosemary, and dill in the (deglazed with a bit of Old Overholt rye) pan the venison was cooked in while it was resting under aluminum foil.

I've become a huge fan of partially pre-cooking the starch/vegetable side dish and finishing the cooking process in the pan the meat was just cooked in, it's a great way to add complimentary flavor to the side. A big-rear end ribeye and some pilaf or blanched asparagus or broccoli fried briefly after it in a rocket-hot cast iron is [drool.gif] good.

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tarlibone
Aug 1, 2014


Am I a... bad person?
AM I??


Fun Shoe

Captain Log posted:

If it’s a picture menu because of a language barrier - Good

If it’s a picture menu because of items are named, “Rimmy Tim’s American Nacho Cheese Shrimp and Hot Dog Blast” - Not Good

First, Rimmy Tim sounds like a nickname a bunch of ex-girlfriends give a guy who was way to into a very certain, specific thing.

But on the topic of food photography involving fake everything: I know that already. But not because I have some inside scoop.

When I was a little kid, one of the very few luxuries my mom could afford was HBO. Ah, good old channel seven! So I grew up with stuff only a few other people in my classes at school had, like Not Necessarily The News, the movie Weird Science being on every night and twice on Thursdays, and occasionally, an hour-long Consumer Reports special. And I loved the Consumer Reports one for some weird reason.

I remember they did a whole show on how advertising is designed to trick and manipulate you. Keep in mind, I'm not even 10 years old when this is playing regularly, and already the veneer of consumerism was being laid bare. In one long segment, they devoted their time to food commercials, and I was glued to the TV because 1) it was a TV, 2) it was turned on, and 3) I wondered why the McDonald's burger on TV never looked anything like the one in the foam box that they gave you. Then they start talking about how the food is often way undercooked, cold, it's painted with actual paint (grill lines especially were almost always fake), and... I mean, my little brain was blown away.

Ever since then, I don't even bother to pay attention to how stuff looks in the pictures. I'm only reading ingredients. Yeah, that Hardee's Big Deluxe looks fantastic, but... OK, mayo, lettuce, tomato, onion, cheese, and a hexagon of ground beef weighing 4 ounces? Sure, why not.

Miso Beno
Apr 29, 2004


Tryin' to catch me ridin' dirty


Fun Shoe

So the thing is, I used to work doing restaurant photos, and was reasonably successful at it. It was a ton of work, for not a ton of return, and the whole philosophy of not-faking-food I had as a young marketing guy or whatever resulted a TON of food waste. Most food only looks good in-camera for a few minutes at best, and after the poking, prodding, styling that goes into you REALLY don't want to eat what's been on screen.

Most of the tricks the big advertising houses use, are there to stretch how long the food is good to look so they don't have to waste time/effort/materials remaking poo poo to make it passable again. God forbid you're doing a full menu shoot with real food and you have a hiccup along the way with styling/shooting/lighting/rigging/etc because you can *easily* gently caress yourself over next couple of shots.

Also, faking makes photographing things like... ice cream and soup way way way way way less of a pain in the dick and way less wasteful.

Shaocaholica posted:

I’ve been to 5 commercial shoots for Mcds and 1 for Denny’s. It’s interesting how the art dept preps the fake food for filming. Especially the slow motion shots of burger patties flying in the air and burgers falling onto a counter. I have a bunch of footage of the entire takes where the burgers fall apart and other out takes.

Nothing is real. Nothing is hot.

I've worked in kitchens before, and I don't want to get hit in the loving face with a hot rear end burger patty or french fries.

poeticoddity
Jan 14, 2007
"How nice - to feel nothing and still get full credit for being alive." - Kurt Vonnegut Jr. - Slaughterhouse Five

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qjj-k1yyhz0
This feels relevant to the food photography convo.

Miso Beno
Apr 29, 2004


Tryin' to catch me ridin' dirty


Fun Shoe

Yeah. Nothing but mad respect for folks who do that poo poo.

Captain Log
Oct 2, 2006

Captain Log posted:

"I AINT DYING! Choo choo motherfucker!"



Fun Shoe

I think the main thing in the "Pro" column for getting a food photography side hustle is the current environment. Restaurants are in a "Take Out of DIE" frame of mind right now. Having some good looking food attached to their online menu could be a make or break thing for some places. It's all about standing out, and some good pictures could make that happen.

Also, shooting a To Go menu for a small place isn't doing a full on commercial shoot. You won't have a timer or need to coordinate with anyone past a line cook.

charliebravo77
Jun 11, 2003



Hipster brunch with farmers market ramps and leftover short ribs from the other night turned into a fritatta

Captain Log
Oct 2, 2006

Captain Log posted:

"I AINT DYING! Choo choo motherfucker!"



Fun Shoe

charliebravo77 posted:

Hipster brunch with farmers market ramps and leftover short ribs from the other night turned into a fritatta


I know how to cook a frittata, but I'm curious - what method do you use to get it cooked? Most restaurants have a salamander for doing that type of stuff. You got it really nice on top with what I'm assuming is a normal consumer stove.

AMAZON!

I was initially really skeptical about getting meat delivered to my home. I like to pick out stuff myself, especially because I prefer extremely lean cuts of meat.

I got this center cut pork roast for less than $9. Yeah, I had to butcher it, but I'm shocked at how economical this is compared to the grocery down the street.



Half in the freezer, half in a marinade, there is my dinner for nearly a week.

charliebravo77
Jun 11, 2003



Captain Log posted:

I know how to cook a frittata, but I'm curious - what method do you use to get it cooked? Most restaurants have a salamander for doing that type of stuff. You got it really nice on top with what I'm assuming is a normal consumer stove.
Started the bulb end of the ramps in a nonstick skillet with butter for a couple minutes on medium, then laid the ramp leaves, followed by the rest of the non-egg ingredients. Let cook another minute and poured in the egg mixture. Let it cook a few minutes uncovered on medium-medium low. Covered and reduced to low until set. Flipped onto a plate and bottom becomes top.

Captain Log
Oct 2, 2006

Captain Log posted:

"I AINT DYING! Choo choo motherfucker!"



Fun Shoe

charliebravo77 posted:

Started the bulb end of the ramps in a nonstick skillet with butter for a couple minutes on medium, then laid the ramp leaves, followed by the rest of the non-egg ingredients. Let cook another minute and poured in the egg mixture. Let it cook a few minutes uncovered on medium-medium low. Covered and reduced to low until set. Flipped onto a plate and bottom becomes top.

Ahh, I gotcha. I cook a shitload of eggs, but certain egg cooks are difficult. Namely, getting the top of a big frittata cooked decently.

charliebravo77
Jun 11, 2003



Captain Log posted:

Ahh, I gotcha. I cook a shitload of eggs, but certain egg cooks are difficult. Namely, getting the top of a big frittata cooked decently.

Normally I've finished them in the oven, this was the first time trying it this way. I think it works better.

tarlibone
Aug 1, 2014


Am I a... bad person?
AM I??


Fun Shoe

Whelp... time for the lonely Terry Bone family barbecue.



I normally prefer St. Louis style ribs, but baby backs will do in a pinch. This approach takes a while, but of all the ways I've cooked ribs, it's one of the easiest and most successful.

charliebravo77
Jun 11, 2003



Pre-ride fuel. Now I'll never own a home :[

Captain Log
Oct 2, 2006

Captain Log posted:

"I AINT DYING! Choo choo motherfucker!"



Fun Shoe

charliebravo77 posted:

Pre-ride fuel. Now I'll never own a home :[



Do I see avocado hiding in your caprese?

charliebravo77
Jun 11, 2003



Yes, hence the homeownership joke as I am a millenial.

Captain Log
Oct 2, 2006

Captain Log posted:

"I AINT DYING! Choo choo motherfucker!"



Fun Shoe

charliebravo77 posted:

Yes, hence the homeownership joke as I am a millenial.

I ain't judging.

Even though the urge to make stupid meta jokes is high.

poeticoddity
Jan 14, 2007
"How nice - to feel nothing and still get full credit for being alive." - Kurt Vonnegut Jr. - Slaughterhouse Five

I'm just going to say it: I fundamentally do not understand the appeal of avocado.
It tastes like lawn clippings mixed into lard, and the fact that it randomly gets shoved into my burritos frustrates me to no end.

Miso Beno
Apr 29, 2004


Tryin' to catch me ridin' dirty


Fun Shoe

Don't worry too much. I like avocados but can't stand beets. Avocados when ripe taste creamy to me due to all of the fat and a pinch of salt brings the whole thing to life.

tarlibone
Aug 1, 2014


Am I a... bad person?
AM I??


Fun Shoe

poeticoddity posted:

I'm just going to say it: I fundamentally do not understand the appeal of avocado.
It tastes like lawn clippings mixed into lard, and the fact that it randomly gets shoved into my burritos frustrates me to no end.

Yes. This is a correct post.

Near as I can tell, the PLANdemic hoaxmasters of Covid-5G practiced their current attempt to manipulate us into one-world-order FEMA camps by seeing if they could get everybody in the world to believe that the avacado was anything other than the objectively horrible fermented demon turd that it so clearly is. It only partially worked: the masses convinced themselves, but I see through the lies.

Avacado is bad.

Internet Wizard
Aug 9, 2009

BANDAIDS DON'T FIX BULLET HOLES


Stop eating avocados before they're ripe. That's pretty much the only way they'll taste vegetal. Once ripe they're rich and creamy, like Miso said.

Cyrano4747
Sep 25, 2006



Internet Wizard posted:

Stop eating avocados before they're ripe. That's pretty much the only way they'll taste vegetal. Once ripe they're rich and creamy, like Miso said.

Yup. This is like reading about people who think bananas taste awful and tart but they’re biting into them while green.

All the avacados you see in grocery stores are unripe. Throw that poo poo inns paper bag on your counter for a day or three.

tarlibone
Aug 1, 2014


Am I a... bad person?
AM I??


Fun Shoe

... so, every restaurant and everyone's home where they had me try their avacado creations were all always using unripe avacados? Every time?

Seems legit. Way more likely than a person just not liking a specific food, I guess.

Shaocaholica
Oct 29, 2002

Fig. 5E


I like guac and murica sushi with avocado but if it disappeared I wouldn’t really miss it.

poeticoddity
Jan 14, 2007
"How nice - to feel nothing and still get full credit for being alive." - Kurt Vonnegut Jr. - Slaughterhouse Five

tarlibone posted:

... so, every restaurant and everyone's home where they had me try their avacado creations were all always using unripe avacados? Every time?

Seems legit. Way more likely than a person just not liking a specific food, I guess.

Yeah. I'm not running around biting into unripe avocados. I'm finding avocado and avacado-containing sauces in my food by having my gag reflex triggered.

On a more positive note, before they were cultivated by humans, avocado pits were dispersed by ice-age megafauna that ate them whole. Avocados would actually be extinct without human intervention because nothing in their climate range is big enough to poop out a whole avocado pit...though if you like avocados you're welcome to try. Do not do this. Best case scenario it'll hurt. More likely it'll get stuck and have to be surgically removed.

tarlibone
Aug 1, 2014


Am I a... bad person?
AM I??


Fun Shoe

Eating whole avacado pits for the purpose of pooping them out?

Quick, call Gwyneth Paltrow!

I like turtles
Aug 6, 2009



tarlibone posted:

Eating whole avacado pits for the purpose of pooping them out?

Quick, call Gwyneth Paltrow!

Nah, she'd suggest another location to introduce them to one's body

tangy yet delightful
Sep 13, 2005



Stop trying to get people to like avocados. The less people buying them the cheaper they are for me

22 Eargesplitten
Oct 10, 2010

Also sexism, religious bias, jingoism, and so on. Don't do it, people!

Dogs, don't do it either, even if the police man really tries to train you to do it.



tarlibone posted:

Eating whole avacado pits for the purpose of pooping them out?

Quick, call Gwyneth Paltrow!

More like Kirk Johnson.

Captain Log
Oct 2, 2006

Captain Log posted:

"I AINT DYING! Choo choo motherfucker!"



Fun Shoe

I've never eaten a salad and never will. The "veggies" (I know avocado technically isn't veg) are few and far between.

Avocado is one of the good ones.

And yes, a poo poo ton of restaurants are making their guac from -

- comically under ripened avocados
- they are a blend from a plastic bag that gets heated

I cannot stress this enough - All you eat at the big chains is the unfrozen food out the back of a GFS or Sysco truck. Most of those places are glorified microwaves.

Buffalo Wild Wings and Cheesecake Factory are the most popular, worst offenders. Wild Wings gets all their decent to good sauce sent to them, then plonks it on frozen bullshit. Cheesecake Factory has all their cheesecakes made at a central location, then shipped to the individual restaurants. Almost everything else is some combination of microwaved bullshit.

Cyrano4747
Sep 25, 2006



Captain Log posted:

I've never eaten a salad and never will. The "veggies" (I know avocado technically isn't veg) are few and far between.




Someone mail this man a Cobb salad.

Like, I"m not a huge salad person. My wife jokes that I have "honorary meats" that I enjoy (asparagus, brussle sprouts, okra, some types of green beans). But man, some salads are just amazing.

edit: between the Rat's frequent sharts and Log's apparently all meat diet I'm starting to think next month needs to be butthole health awareness month.

Eat some fiber goons.

Captain Log
Oct 2, 2006

Captain Log posted:

"I AINT DYING! Choo choo motherfucker!"



Fun Shoe

Cyrano4747 posted:



Someone mail this man a Cobb salad.

Like, I"m not a huge salad person. My wife jokes that I have "honorary meats" that I enjoy (asparagus, brussle sprouts, okra, some types of green beans). But man, some salads are just amazing.

edit: between the Rat's frequent sharts and Log's apparently all meat diet I'm starting to think next month needs to be butthole health awareness month.

Eat some fiber goons.

I have nerve damage and take opiate painkillers four times a day. Because of that, three of my prescriptions are for "Poo Health."

I really don't feel like going on a big childhood rant, but I had a parent who thought salt and pepper could give you cancer that made me clean my plate every night. Things like boiled broccoli, boiled Brussel sprouts, plain okra...all without any seasoning or toppings.

I honest to God retch like a child when I taste certain things. I've gone my whole life trying to learn to expand my tastes and have been pretty successful. But veggies have always been a bridge too far.

Just to be abundantly clear, I hate this element of myself. The only things I haven't been able to fix with immersion therapy are -

- Bugs
- Veg

poeticoddity
Jan 14, 2007
"How nice - to feel nothing and still get full credit for being alive." - Kurt Vonnegut Jr. - Slaughterhouse Five

Captain Log posted:

I have nerve damage and take opiate painkillers four times a day. Because of that, three of my prescriptions are for "Poo Health."

I really don't feel like going on a big childhood rant, but I had a parent who thought salt and pepper could give you cancer that made me clean my plate every night. Things like boiled broccoli, boiled Brussel sprouts, plain okra...all without any seasoning or toppings.

I honest to God retch like a child when I taste certain things. I've gone my whole life trying to learn to expand my tastes and have been pretty successful. But veggies have always been a bridge too far.

Just to be abundantly clear, I hate this element of myself. The only things I haven't been able to fix with immersion therapy are -

- Bugs
- Veg

Brussels sprouts are worth trying again because they're actually different plants than they were when you were a kid.
The standard cultivar breed was changed about fifteen or twenty years ago when people started growing a variety that doesn't taste like bitter sorrow.
They're freakin' awesome when roasted because they now have a modicum of sweetness that lets them take on a pleasant flavor from a dry heat or sautee.

tarlibone
Aug 1, 2014


Am I a... bad person?
AM I??


Fun Shoe

I like salad.

Unless the salad is the main course, I prefer all-vegetable salads. For dinner salad, I just chop up grilled meat and add it to the salad.

Preferred dressing is light ot fat-free Italian. I might go with ranch on a dinner salad.

Internet Wizard
Aug 9, 2009

BANDAIDS DON'T FIX BULLET HOLES


tarlibone posted:

... so, every restaurant and everyone's home where they had me try their avacado creations were all always using unripe avacados? Every time?

Seems legit. Way more likely than a person just not liking a specific food, I guess.

Given how common the use of unripe avocados is, I’m fully willing to believe that

tarlibone
Aug 1, 2014


Am I a... bad person?
AM I??


Fun Shoe

"Oh, but you've never tried this/my guacamole/whatever avocado creation" is a phrase I've heard a lot, followed, at some point, by them trying to get me to enjoy it. And every time, it's not appealing to me. I've had a dozen kinds of guacamole, a few sandwiches with avocado spread, and once, a salad that had little cubes of the awful poo poo in it. I think it was a salad. All I know was, I suddenly had a bite of avocado that I wasn't expecting, and the whole meal was ruined, because there's no washing that taste away. And most of those times were people helpfully trying to get me to like avocado. (And, I gave it an honest try every time until I came to the conclusion that I just wasn't cool enough for AVocado Club.)

Sorry, folks. I think avocado is gross, and I just don't get the craze over it. And it is a craze. Look at how incredulous some of you are at the very suggestion that two people, in the whole world, might not like one particular food.

Miso Beno
Apr 29, 2004


Tryin' to catch me ridin' dirty


Fun Shoe

i tried to make a gluten free coffee cake but used to thick of a mold and the bottom didnt rise. No pics of my shame.

Shaocaholica
Oct 29, 2002

Fig. 5E


Condolences if you're GF or live with someone who is.

Shooting Blanks
Jun 6, 2007

Real bullets mess up how cool this thing looks.

-Blade




I'll eat avocado because I know it's healthy, but it has no flavor for me. Turns out having hyposmia means that subtle flavors are effectively nonexistent flavors, so eating avocado is sort of like eating green Crisco.

That's probably also why most of my favorite foods are spicy/heavily spiced.

BrianM87
Oct 30, 2006
I keep missing. Are you sure the bullets work?

Don't worry tarlibone, I'm right there with you. I've reached the point where I'm eating sonething and I find avocado in it the meal is effectively over for me. I can't stand the taste or texture. Also, coffee and most alcoholic beverages are swill of the lowest order and if i could will them out of existence, I would. Alcohol especially.

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Captain Log
Oct 2, 2006

Captain Log posted:

"I AINT DYING! Choo choo motherfucker!"



Fun Shoe

tarlibone posted:

"Oh, but you've never tried this/my guacamole/whatever avocado creation" is a phrase I've heard a lot, followed, at some point, by them trying to get me to enjoy it. And every time, it's not appealing to me. I've had a dozen kinds of guacamole, a few sandwiches with avocado spread, and once, a salad that had little cubes of the awful poo poo in it. I think it was a salad. All I know was, I suddenly had a bite of avocado that I wasn't expecting, and the whole meal was ruined, because there's no washing that taste away. And most of those times were people helpfully trying to get me to like avocado. (And, I gave it an honest try every time until I came to the conclusion that I just wasn't cool enough for AVocado Club.)

Sorry, folks. I think avocado is gross, and I just don't get the craze over it. And it is a craze. Look at how incredulous some of you are at the very suggestion that two people, in the whole world, might not like one particular food.

Replace "Avocado" with "Vegetables" and you get my life story.

The only thing I ever liked that I tried from that family of foods -

- Sun-dried Tomato
- Avocado

I was able to teach myself to enjoy beef tutaki, but not veg.

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