|
 Gather round, idiot boys and girls! It’s storytime, and this week’s story is the GDT for UFC Fight Night 95, 10 p.m. ET Saturday, Sept. 23, on Fox Sports 1! Now make sure you have your parent or guardian’s permission before reading this GDT, because this is not your watered-down Disney pussy poo poo. These are some real hardcore old-school Middle Age German fairy tales, where the bad people win and everyone learns a terrible, violent lesson. Ready? Once upon a time… Makebelieve Weight  Cris “Cyborg” Justino vs.  Lina “Elbow Princess” Lansberg Once upon a time, deep in the jungle, there lived a mighty and terrible giant who would smash the villagers’ grapes and steal their testosterone. “FEE FI FO FEIGHT, I SMELL THE BLOOD OF A BANTAMWEIGHT!” she bellowed every time she hurled inaccurate hooks at another fat little girl’s head. “But the champion and top three contenders should, like, come up to featherweight to fight me, Cris Cyborg, so I won’t have to cut weight at all, even though I have not fought anyone important since Gina Carano, against whom I pulled mount multiple times.” She smashed undersized can after undersized can until she finally made it to the mightiest kingdom of them all, the UFC, where she mightily and fiercely smashed an undersized can all the way to a slightly early stoppage. But one day, Cyborg fought her way to the Elbow Kingdom, which was bravely defended by the Elbow Princess. The Elbow Princess had never fought in the UFC before, but she knew she must in order to protect her loyal subjects, the Elbowtions. When an emissary of the Zuffa Empire, Sean Shelby, approached the Elbow Princess to beg her to fight Cyborg at a 140-pound catchweight on the main event of a card despite being 6-1 with no notable wins, the Elbow Princess fetched her magic wand and said the magic words: “Alakazaam, alakazicket, I’m gonna take this golden meal ticket.” Her sacrifice will not be in vain. Featherweight https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uwP04-diHtc Renan “Rao Rao Rao, Renan” Barao vs.  ”Fainting” Phillipe Nover Once upon a time, there was a king named Dominick Cruz, who ruled the beautiful, idyllic kingdom of Bantamweight with an even hand and a shaky knee. But one day his knees shook too hard, and he had to relinquish the throne so he could lie down for three years. In that time a fierce, terrible goblin named Renan Barao emerged from under the bridge that stood between the Bantamweight Gatekeeper Continent and the Championship Island, and began his long and terrible reign as The Next Anderson Silva. But after smashing an old Californian twice, an innocent virgin and a guy whose block button on his controller is broken, the Goblin King had a new foe: that one dwarf from the Hobbit — you know, not the ones who look exactly like normal, handsome bearded humans for some reason but were shot from a clever camera angle so they seemed kind of short, and not the ones that actually looked like dwarves from the rest of the Lord of the Rings movies, and not the great big fat one who farted a lot and got stuck in a barrel, but the one with the braided neckbeard who smiled and played a penny whistle and probably threw a sausage in the air when they crashed Bilbo’s house or some poo poo but otherwise did literally nothing that you can remember? Yeah, that one. Barao was a heavy favorite, but he proved no match for the dwarf, who effortlessly kicked his rear end twice as bookends to his bad fight with Mitch Gagnon. The Goblin King was then banished to featherweight, where he lost to Jeremy Stephens and crawled underneath a different bridge — one that separates the middle of the pack from Bellator — where he waits to this day, waiting… … then one day, Barao heard a clip-clopping from across his bridge. He emerged and found a fainting goat named Phillipe. “Who’s that clip-clopping across my bridge?” Barao said to Phillipe the goat, who would surely get his rear end kicked. “Baa! Baa! I am just trying to cross the bridge because I am the Next Anderson Silva, but unfortunately I am a welterweight on the Ultimate Fighter, and it would not be appropriate for us to fight now. If you let me cross the bridge now to get my rear end kicked by someone else, then the next time I return, I will be the appropriate size.” So Barao let the fainting goat cross the bridge, where he lost three fights in a row and was cut to fight people in Bellator. Barao waited, and then eventually he heard a familiar sound: “clip-clop, clip-clop, clip-clop.” Barao hopped up, yelling “Who’s that clip-clopping across my bridge!” And it was Philippe the goat again, but this time he had cut down to 145 pounds! Philippe began to plead, “please Renan Barao, I have only just now returned to the UFC, and people will laugh at how bad this matchup is. If you let me clip clop across the bridge, I will go 1-1 in split decisions with a series of unknown foreign-market midcarders, and somehow the fight will make more sense then I guess.” So Barao let the bill goat go, and he did just that. Finally, Barao heard that familiar clip-clopping again, so he lept out, proclaiming “who’s that clip-clopping across my bridge?” And it was Phillipe Nover again, but this time he was there with his big brother: a greasy mustachioed man with a thirst for steroid-laden piss. And that man beat the poo poo out of Barao and all of his friends at Nova Unao perhaps even harder than Dillashaw did, and everyone lived happily ever after. Heavyweight  Roy “Big Country” Nelson vs.  Antonio “Bigfoot” Silva There was once a huntsman who lived in a wild and smelly wood. For many years he toiled, clearing trees to sell the lumber by pulling guard and ripping them apart branch by branch on the ground. Until one day, he discovered his true power: he could punch them down with his overhand right, instead. He vanquished many a fat beast this way, until he was summoned before Emperor Dana the White to compete in the greatest of tournaments: The Ultimate Fighter. His first foe was to be the internet’s Grand Champion: a literal homeless man with no cartilage in his knees. Big Country bravely defeated the beast, and went on to be the 10th Ultimate Fighter by knocking out Brandon the Big Brown. But one day, our hero got slower and slower, and lazier and lazier, and whinier and whinier, until he only won two of his last eight. But have no fear, for he is fighting the legendary Great Bigfooted Beast of Brazil, who has fallen down dead almost every time his chin has been gently touched for the past two years. Lightweight  Francisco Trinaldo vs.  Paul Felder Brazil has its very own version of the Ultimate Fighter, and even though your storyteller this evening watched every episode of the first season, it was very bad and he does not remember it or Francisco Trinaldo ever. Trinaldo has won six in a row including a TKO of Chad Laprise and a fight of the night with Yancy Medeiros, so that is very lovely. There once was an unlikable turd burglar named Danny Castillo, who would break into naughty children’s homes at night and burgle their turds, which he believed granted him great and mysterious powers. Thankfully, a strange undefeated ginger named Paul Felder valiantly knocked him the gently caress out with a rad as hell spinning backfist KO. And though he has gone on to lose two fights and defeat our most special friend Daron Cruickshank with the one weird trick he never learned to defend, Felder will always have a special place in our hearts. Middleweight  Thiago Santos vs.  Eric Spicely There is a kingdom far away from here, where millions of people live but there are only three names parents are allowed to give their children. Thiago “Middleweight Fighter” Santos is such a man. Thiago knew that with such a generic name that his wikipedia article had to specify his weight and profession in the title, he would have to do something cool to stand out. So he found a drunken hockey goon and kicked him in the head so hard that he earned the incredibly esteemed “2015 Best Knockout of the Half-Year” from the very real website that people have heard of “MMATorch.com.” He then decisioned a Harlequin romance cover model and KO’d Nate Marquardt before getting owned by Gegard Mousasi at UFC 200. Unfortunately he will have to steal his nerves and say his prayers, because he is fighting a spooky ghost. Featherweight  Godofredo Pepey vs.  Mike De La Torre Godofredo Pepey also competed on season 1 of the Ultimate Fighter: Brazil, but I remember him because he was a finalist and his name kind of sounds like “peepee.” He also got three performance of hte nights in a row including a flying knee and a flying triangle choke, but sadly, he can only do cool poo poo against bad fighters. But there is a happy ending to this OP, because Mike De La Torre is almost assuredly a bad fighter. Other poo poo to watch Preliminary Card (Fox Sports 1), 8 p.m. ET Catchweight (158 lbs) Gilbert Burns vs. Michel Prazeres Bantamweight Rani Yahya vs. Michinori Tanaka Flyweight Jussier Formiga vs. Dustin Ortiz Welterweight Erick Silva vs. Luan Chagas Preliminary Card (UFC Fight Pass), 6:30 p.m. ET Lightweight Alan Patrick vs. Stevie Ray Welterweight Vicente Luque vs. Héctor Urbina Lightweight Glaico França vs. Gregor Gillespie Official MMA Snack Rating: Snow White’s Poison Apple Cider  Ingredients: About 2-1/2 cups apple cider (either store bought or prepared with this recipe) 4 shots spiced rum, like Captain Morgan's (about 1 cup) 4 large apples 4 cinnamon sticks Directions: Cut the top off the apples, set aside. Using an apple corer (or spoon), remove the insides of the apples, leaving about a 1/2 inch on the bottom (so it doesn't leak out). Mix together 3/4 cup of cider and 1 shot of rum (or gauge the amount depending on the apple's size). Pour mixture into the cored apples and serve with a fresh cinnamon stick.
|
#
?
Sep 24, 2016 16:38
|
|
|
|
| # ? Apr 19, 2024 22:28 |
|
|
Good OP as always but drat that's a lovely card
|
|
#
?
Sep 24, 2016 16:48
|
|
|
Yeah it's not great. Steroidmonster will crush the poor swedish girl but maybe Bigfoot and Roy will offer some entertainment
|
|
#
?
Sep 24, 2016 16:50
|
|
|
I just assumed this was a Fight Pass card until this thread
|
|
#
?
Sep 24, 2016 16:56
|
|
|
Charles Gnarwin posted:I just assumed this was a Fight Pass card until this thread Why have a card with good pacing on an appropriate distribution model when you can put a bunch of nobodies or irrelevant bouts on Fox Sports 1 and make the live crowd stay up until like 4 a.m. local time?
|
|
#
?
Sep 24, 2016 16:59
|
|
|
I'm convinced this card exists in order to convince casual fans that the Vancouver card was 'star studded'
|
|
#
?
Sep 24, 2016 18:06
|
|
|
Jesus, I can't believe Cyborg made weight. She was, what, 24 pounds out as of Tuesday? That has to do some terrible things to your system...
|
|
#
?
Sep 24, 2016 20:14
|
|
|
There's some decent fights- it's not that bad
|
|
#
?
Sep 24, 2016 20:17
|
|
|
acejackson42 posted:Jesus, I can't believe Cyborg made weight. She was, what, 24 pounds out as of Tuesday? That has to do some terrible things to your system... I didn't see the showpiece weigh in, but at the official weigh in they do real early now, she looked utterly dreadful.
|
|
#
?
Sep 24, 2016 20:22
|
|
|
Early prelims are starting now with Dominick Cruz in the analyst position on commentary.
|
|
#
?
Sep 24, 2016 23:38
|
|
|
Franca has the worst tattoo ever
|
|
#
?
Sep 24, 2016 23:43
|
|
|
Le Saboteur posted:Early prelims are starting now with Dominick Cruz in the analyst position on commentary. dom cruz has me invested in these trash fights
|
|
#
?
Sep 24, 2016 23:47
|
|
|
Wrong thread
|
|
#
?
Sep 24, 2016 23:48
|
|
|
This fight is really fun.
|
|
#
?
Sep 24, 2016 23:49
|
|
|
Yea this is a great fight so far
|
|
#
?
Sep 24, 2016 23:51
|
|
|
That's Round 1 Franca Round 2 Gillespie, right?
|
|
#
?
Sep 24, 2016 23:52
|
|
|
dom started off a bit shaky but he's settled into it a bit and is predictably quite good
|
|
#
?
Sep 24, 2016 23:54
|
|
|
Power of Pecota posted:That's Round 1 Franca Round 2 Gillespie, right? i'd have given gillespie both
|
|
#
?
Sep 24, 2016 23:55
|
|
|
This card is bad but Dominick Cruz is calling fights, so it's good.
|
|
#
?
Sep 24, 2016 23:56
|
|
|
I like this Gillespie dude
|
|
#
?
Sep 24, 2016 23:58
|
|
|
Impressive how he took that knee and wrestled out the victory
|
|
#
?
Sep 24, 2016 23:59
|
|
|
sportsgenius86 posted:I like this Gillespie dude Same. Tough, good jab with a massive reach disadvantage, good wrestling.
|
|
#
?
Sep 25, 2016 00:00
|
|
|
argondamn posted:Impressive how he took that knee and wrestled out the victory That knee would have killed lesser dudes but he just kept going for the takedown.
|
|
#
?
Sep 25, 2016 00:01
|
|
|
Looking through records to actually figure out is too obnoxious and labor intensive even for a sperg like me, but around what point did the Blackzilians stop being a joke? It was kind of a quiet but sudden 180 as I recall.
|
|
#
?
Sep 25, 2016 00:09
|
|
|
God drat! That was a KO
|
|
#
?
Sep 25, 2016 00:11
|
|
|
God drat Urbina got destroyed.
|
|
#
?
Sep 25, 2016 00:12
|
|
|
Hot drat
|
|
#
?
Sep 25, 2016 00:12
|
|
|
that ruled
|
|
#
?
Sep 25, 2016 00:13
|
|
|
God drat
|
|
#
?
Sep 25, 2016 00:12
|
|
|
yeah that was sick. urbina was asking for that though. he was backing out of exchanges, still in the pocket, with his hands way down.
|
|
#
?
Sep 25, 2016 00:13
|
|
|
Sick KO and a trilingual post-fight interview, good showing
|
|
#
?
Sep 25, 2016 00:15
|
|
|
Jesus he folded up like Rashad
|
|
#
?
Sep 25, 2016 00:19
|
|
|
Nevermind, link doesn't work
|
|
#
?
Sep 25, 2016 00:19
|
|
|
I think this is going to be a good card for no reason.
|
|
#
?
Sep 25, 2016 00:48
|
|
|
Bluedeanie posted:
“Elbow Princess” sounds like a character from Adventure Time. ... And actually is a character from Adventure Time. 
|
|
#
?
Sep 25, 2016 00:49
|
|
|
I am not entertained by this fight at all.
|
|
#
?
Sep 25, 2016 00:54
|
|
|
This interview is loving great.
|
|
#
?
Sep 25, 2016 00:57
|
|
|
Silva loving owns.
|
|
#
?
Sep 25, 2016 01:07
|
|
|
Statistically, this fight is now unwinnable for Erick Silva.
|
|
#
?
Sep 25, 2016 01:12
|
|
|
|
| # ? Apr 19, 2024 22:28 |
|
|
Really not enjoying Cruz`s commentary like i thought I would
|
|
#
?
Sep 25, 2016 01:13
|
|
