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Flowers for QAnon
May 20, 2019

ClamdestineBoyster posted:

Some people are just intolerant of oure culture I guess. :shrug:

Like “hey straighty, why don’t you come out of the closet!”

Or “if you weren’t gay yesterday I bet you are today”

Or “well I bet I got the magic penis that’s gonna turn him gay, for I am the chosen one”

Or “he has gay friends so he’s not allowed to be straight”

All the way down to rape threats from burners and poo poo, etc.

I believe this is satirical, but it’s still very bad posting

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ClamdestineBoyster
Aug 15, 2015
Probation
Can't post for 10 years!

Flowers for QAnon posted:

I believe this is satirical, but it’s still very bad posting

Wow you’ve got a real special way of being human garbage.

ClamdestineBoyster
Aug 15, 2015
Probation
Can't post for 10 years!

Bust Rodd posted:

Lmao the oppressed straight white guy getting catcalled by gay construction workers is like a 90’s “subversive” SNL bit.

Straight mixed guy. I’m not pureblood enough for the nazis on the board.

burial
Sep 13, 2002

actually, that won't be necessary.
I was all excited that there were so many new replies. I should not have been!

Nothing new to share yet either.

Hawkperson
Jun 20, 2003

Bust Rodd posted:

Lmao the oppressed straight white guy getting catcalled by gay construction workers is like a 90’s “subversive” SNL bit.

I think it was a bit on Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Play
Apr 25, 2006

Strong stroll for a mangy stray
ClamdestineBoyster has what seem to be legit and serious mental issues, in case y'all haven't seen them around

burial posted:

I was all excited that there were so many new replies. I should not have been!

Nothing new to share yet either.

Yeah we need more fesh! Serve me a fresh plate of fesh immediately!!

wesleywillis
Dec 30, 2016

SUCK A MALE CAMEL'S DICK WITH MIRACLE WHIP!!

Bust Rodd posted:

Lmao the oppressed straight white guy getting catcalled by gay construction workers is like a 90’s “subversive” SNL bit.

As a dude that works in a construction adjacent job, I've actually been catcalled by girls before.
Not saying I'm oppressed or whatever because of it. Just being all :smug: Hell yeah!!

loquacius
Oct 21, 2008

Some girls catcalled me from a car in college once but I think it was more of a power thing than because I am at all sexually desirable

I don't remember what they said but I remember my reaction was just "huh?"

Colonel Cancer
Sep 26, 2015

Tune into the fireplace channel, you absolute buffoon
Lots of curvy goons itt

ClamdestineBoyster
Aug 15, 2015
Probation
Can't post for 10 years!

Play posted:

ClamdestineBoyster has what seem to be legit and serious mental issues, in case y'all haven't seen them around


Yeah we need more fesh! Serve me a fresh plate of fesh immediately!!

Nobody fuckin told you you could speak on my behalf.

Sagebrush
Feb 26, 2012

right back at it exactly 15 minutes after the probe expired. nice

bunnyofdoom
Mar 29, 2008

Jaxxon: Still not the stupidest thing from the expanded universe.



Never has anyone so fast showed me he deserved to be on ignore.

SniperWoreConverse
Mar 20, 2010



Gun Saliva
Clam's schizoposting gimmick has been going on for years. Hasn't beaten gangster computer god yet but that's a hell of a bar.

Nissin Cup Nudist
Sep 3, 2011

Sleep with one eye open

We're off to Gritty Gritty land




loquacius posted:

Some girls catcalled me from a car in college once but I think it was more of a power thing than because I am at all sexually desirable

I don't remember what they said but I remember my reaction was just "huh?"

I wish some girls would catcall me

Just once and only once

Anne Whateley
Feb 11, 2007
:unsmith: i like nice words
Confession: I wolf-whistled at a guy I drove past once. It was a summer during college, I think I had just gotten out of work on a Friday, so I was feeling very sassy and he was jogging shirtless.

Bust Rodd
Oct 21, 2008

by VideoGames
Once as a favor to a friend I acted as the warm-up stripper for her bachelor party. This was during my circus days when I in good shape and had sweet dance moves. The original warm up dancer got cold feet but it was just a bunch of women I’d known for years being silly with blunts and champagne, and besides that the bride and groom were extremely close friends of mine, the maid of honor was my tattoo artist, the best man was one of my best friends, but it was very fun to do because suddenly a ton of my lady friends who had never so much as winked at me were suddenly all wolf-howling horn-dogs like I had never seen and heard. It was an extremely fun night but I could never be a stripper or a sexy dancing girl for a living, way too much attention lol

therattle
Jul 24, 2007
Soiled Meat

Bust Rodd posted:

Once as a favor to a friend I acted as the warm-up stripper for her bachelor party. This was during my circus days when I in good shape and had sweet dance moves. The original warm up dancer got cold feet but it was just a bunch of women I’d known for years being silly with blunts and champagne, and besides that the bride and groom were extremely close friends of mine, the maid of honor was my tattoo artist, the best man was one of my best friends, but it was very fun to do because suddenly a ton of my lady friends who had never so much as winked at me were suddenly all wolf-howling horn-dogs like I had never seen and heard. It was an extremely fun night but I could never be a stripper or a sexy dancing girl for a living, way too much attention lol

Nice humble brag. (I’m just jealous).

A Strange Aeon
Mar 26, 2010

You are now a slimy little toad
The Great Twist

Anne Whateley posted:

Confession: I wolf-whistled at a guy I drove past once. It was a summer during college, I think I had just gotten out of work on a Friday, so I was feeling very sassy and he was jogging shirtless.

*changes Anne's wokeness rating from A+ to A*

ClamdestineBoyster
Aug 15, 2015
Probation
Can't post for 10 years!

SniperWoreConverse posted:

Clam's schizoposting gimmick has been going on for years. Hasn't beaten gangster computer god yet but that's a hell of a bar.

Shine my boots, grunt. :goku:

BigBadSteve
Apr 29, 2009

Transphobic guy: Yes, find a good psychotherapist. Many of us inherit prejudices, most of us have mixed feelings about a number of issues, and many of us sometimes get urges contrary to our stated gender preference. Yet few experience your levels of self hatred.

Most of us, as we grow, learn to better understand what we are and accept where we're at, what we want to become, and the time and effort that will be needed to achieve that. But from the terrible inner turmoil you describe, it appears you are 'stuck' and constantly unhappy. Only regularly sharing your thoughts and feelings with another human being over a long period can help you with this. And it will help, a lot.

No one deserves to drink bleach like you did or even to spend every day hating what they are yet never changing their attitudes. Please seek the help you need promptly, so that your life gets better. You deserve it.

burial
Sep 13, 2002

actually, that won't be necessary.
Asbestos and a mild case of telepathy.

quote:

I was renovating my daughters' room and that involved scraping off popcorn ceiling. My wife spoke to me beforehand and was like "are you sure that's safe" and I was like "yeah, our house was built in 1981 I'm sure they stopped using asbestos by then". Truthfully I was impatient to get the project done so I didn't bother submitting a sample to a lab for analysis.
Anyways I did the job as quick as I could, spraying it down with water before scraping the texture off. Then I went online out of curiosity and googled "asbestos popcorn ceiling". Yeah it was banned in the US in 78 but I'm in Canada where they recommend testing any popcorn ceiling installed before 1990. So here I am with the horrible sinking feeling that I just blasted my kids room with chrysotile and they will get asbestosis and die because of my laziness.
I was panicking and freaking out and planning on how to do my own DIY abatement without my wife getting wise.
Then I found a lab nearby that would do a 48hr turnaround on samples so I bagged a bit of the material and sent it out UPS.
The whole time I waited for the results I could barely sleep, I was sure that my wife would divorce me. I was thinking about how much professional abatement would cost me and how much poo poo we would have to throw out.
Anyways I didn't enter the room and taped.off the door and air vents but too little too late right?
I was checking my email all day evey day until just before I had to go to work I got the result from the lab.
0.0 percent asbestos.
I was home alone and I have never let out a scream of relief like that in my life. I was convinced that I had doomed my family.
And of course my wife doesn't know about the test, my panic or anything.
But I was probably acting very weird to her for about a week there...

quote:

Hi there, this is weird.

Five years ago I had a fairly protracted period of ill health. I had cancer, but the doctors missed it and assumed the fatigue and low mood was clinical depression, so put me on SSRIs. This resulted in me becoming very very fat, very very irritable, very very twitchy, and having audio hallucinations and weird notions. Eventually I got diagnosed, tumours removed, lost the weight, hooray hooray.

Since the tumours were removed and I quit the SSRIs, I appear to have developed low-grade telepathy. I was playing poker in a low-level casino tournament a couple of weeks after I'd tapered off the SSRIs, and I suddenly got a blinding headache for about a minute. And after that I found if I looked at someone I could tell what cards they had. At first I assumed it was just a weird notion and ignored it, but then I started acting on it and, holy poo poo, I was right every time. Proceeded to barnstorm the tourney, eventually coming 2nd because the 1st place guy hit a 1-outer.

The day after that I woke up and it was still happening. I could tell what people were going to tell me a bit before they said it, and could tell if they were lying. I focus on people, and I get a kinda fuzzy mental image of what's on their mind, along with a kinda warm feeling at the back of my head and a slight heaviness behind my eyeballs. I got a buddy to go through a deck of cards, the ol' look-at-it-don't-show-me, and I guessed 26 out of 26 before he got weirded out and had to stop. To date only him and my girlfriend know about this.

In the couple of years since, I've also found I can understand people when they talk in other languages (can't speak 'em though, but can understand no problem) and it also kinda works on animals. A few months ago I punched a mugger in the face just before he pulled a knife on me, and I've stopped a dude's suicide because I walked past him in a bar and could tell he was thinking about jumping off a bridge. It doesn't work remotely - which has made the past year very weird, cause I've gotten used to being able to read minds and now everything's on Zoom - and whatever I'm picking up can be blocked by physical barriers - hat materials don't seem to do it, neither does glass or perspex sheeting, but wood and metal certainly do. Guess the jokes about tinfoil hats aren't so funny.

Oh also if I do it a lot it makes me very hungry. I start craving dairy and salty foods.

ANYWAY the reason I am confessin' is this - with lockdown easing, I am due to play in a big big poker tournament in a few months. Not WSOP, but serious, six-figures stuff. And my question is this - am I a dishonest piece of poo poo if I enter into a poker tournament while telepathic?

I want to see this in practice so badly.

AARD VARKMAN
May 17, 1993

ClamdestineBoyster posted:

Shine my boots, grunt. :goku:

please stop clam. leave them be. there are more fertile waters than these

Powered Descent
Jul 13, 2008

We haven't had that spirit here since 1969.

Do the tournament regulations say you can't use psychic powers? No? Then invoke the Air Bud rule and go ahead.

Waffle!
Aug 6, 2004

I Feel Pretty!


Good luck in that poker tournament. Watch out for the shiny metal robot, I hear he's great.

FreudianSlippers
Apr 12, 2010

Shooting and Fucking
are the same thing!

Sagebrush posted:

a 32 year old dating an 80 year old is gross, who cares if it's legal. one person is in the prime of their life and the other is at the end. they aren't suited for each other.

32 is seven years past the prime. Basically already dead.

Incoherence
May 22, 2004

POYO AND TEAR
Asbestos goon: have you considered talking to your wife

nunsexmonkrock
Apr 13, 2008
I had a dream that my husband texted me that he wanted his dick sucked. That is all.

ben shapino
Nov 22, 2020

nunsexmonkrock posted:

I had a dream that my husband texted me that he wanted his dick sucked. That is all.

Well,??

Blue Moonlight
Apr 28, 2005
Bitter and Sarcastic

nunsexmonkrock posted:

I had a dream that my husband texted me that he wanted his dick sucked. That is all.

Just lol that your husband hasn’t already cut off his dick to solve that problem.

Cacator
Aug 6, 2005

You're quite good at turning me on.

Psychic goon: when they removed your tumors, did they miss any that might be in your brain??

Tricky Ed
Aug 18, 2010

It is important to avoid confusion. This is the one that's okay to lick.


burial posted:

And my question is this - am I a dishonest piece of poo poo if I enter into a poker tournament while telepathic?

Daniel Negreanu's been doing it for years, no problem.

ClamdestineBoyster
Aug 15, 2015
Probation
Can't post for 10 years!

Aardvark! posted:

please stop clam. leave them be. there are more fertile waters than these

With clams?! :backtowork:

sugar free jazz
Mar 5, 2008

telepathy goon you may want to consider cutting your duck off to increase your power levels - you might find that your mind focuses like the edge of a knife and your performance may increase greatly

Mister Olympus
Oct 31, 2011

Buzzard, Who Steals From Dead Bodies
Isn't there like a several million dollar prize some science boards run that people will get if they can prove they're really psychic? and people take the tests all the time but nobody actually does well enough to meet the standards

ben shapino
Nov 22, 2020

Mister Olympus posted:

Isn't there like a several million dollar prize some science boards run that people will get if they can prove they're really psychic? and people take the tests all the time but nobody actually does well enough to meet the standards

I knew you were going to say that.

Mister Olympus
Oct 31, 2011

Buzzard, Who Steals From Dead Bodies
also it's april 29 now in a lot of the world. where is the meteor

Chef Boyardeez Nuts
Sep 9, 2011

The more you kick against the pricks, the more you suffer.

Mister Olympus posted:

Isn't there like a several million dollar prize some science boards run that people will get if they can prove they're really psychic? and people take the tests all the time but nobody actually does well enough to meet the standards

Yeah but good luck spending that money before you get black bagged and dissected by the first government that can get their hands on you. The paradox is that anyone who might actually be psychic would see the results of being known as a actually psychic coming a mile away.

Atlas Hugged
Mar 12, 2007


Put your arms around me,
fiddly digits, itchy britches
I love you all
I want to read a sci-fi story about a guy who wakes up knowing that today is the day he gets vivisected.

Computer viking
May 30, 2011
Now with less breakage.

Reminds me of the witch from Good Omens (author of "The nice and accurate Predictions of Agnes Nutter, Witch"), who knew they were going to drop by and burn her on the stake in the evening, so she packed her clothes with gunpowder and metal scrap.

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Nocheez
Sep 5, 2000

Can you spare a little cheddar?
Nap Ghost

Atlas Hugged posted:

I want to read a sci-fi story about a guy who wakes up knowing that today is the day he gets vivisected.

It's just nice to be noticed.

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