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CHICKEN SHOES
Oct 4, 2002
Slippery Tilde
Hey y'all I'm spinning this off from the Army thread where people have been calling out their leadership by name and thought a good old anonymous confessions/ call out / etc thread could be worth a shot. N4I has given his approval but of course will lock it if it gets too silly.

:siren: Don't post crazy opsec poo poo because I honestly don't know if how you poo poo on an AWACS is classified and I don't want to look it up so use some sense :siren:

Anyhow you can send emails to: gipsmdftbac@gmail.com

If you're worried I'm gonna tattle you can use something like https://www.guerrillamail.com/ which is what the EN thread OP uses and that seems to work out for everyone.


So go on gip, tell us about your warcrimes or the time you hosed your soldiers wife!


edit gently caress I misspelled the thread title and forgot a tag :(

non anonymous confession: I'm retarded

CHICKEN SHOES fucked around with this message at 20:18 on Oct 17, 2016

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Woof Blitzer
Dec 29, 2012

[-]

Hillary Clintons Thong posted:


edit gently caress I misspelled the thread title and forgot a tag :(

non anonymous confession: I'm retarded

gg

CHICKEN SHOES
Oct 4, 2002
Slippery Tilde

quote:

I ordered Polish acid off of Silkroad when it still existed and soon forgot about ordering it. Fast forward 2 months. My mail went to squadron HQ for some reason that week instead of my mailbox so my platoon sergeant handed it to me in the troop hq office. I immediately knew what it was because the letter was addressed from some phony catholic charity based in Warsaw. I took it back to my barracks room that night and immediately did all 3 hits (sugar coated gelatin tabs infused with LSD). I was tripping my balls off but I was really hungry so I went to eat at the DFAC for dinner. The female soldier at the front checking CAC cards commented that she liked my smile, which almost resulted in a nervous breakdown. I ate as quickly as I could, paranoid as gently caress that someone was onto me. After I finished I went back to my room and looked at some porn before trying to go to bed, which didn't happen for like 5 more hours. The next day we had a ruck march with my platoon. I think I was still coming down from the high because I ran the entire thing without feeling any pain and beat everyone by 15 minutes. LSD is impossible to detect with a drug test so I never got caught and that was the only time I ever did drugs in the military.

Another naughty boy thing I did was keep my AR-15 and some ammo in the barracks. Well surprise surprise there's an MP sweep after PT today, barracks are locked down! Dogs went through the entire building and found a SSG's personal meth lab but not my gun, thank allah (peace be upon him).

That's all I got yo

CHICKEN SHOES
Oct 4, 2002
Slippery Tilde

quote:

http://www.stripes.com/news/army/army-major-convicted-of-being-drunk-and-disorderly-1.190866

I knew this guy. He was the coolest army officer I ever met.

Nostalgia4Infinity
Feb 27, 2007

10,000 YEARS WASN'T ENOUGH LURKING
Tag fixed the typos staying in though since we collectively have to remember our enlisted roots.

Friendly reminder to keep the opsec tea-spilling out of your confessions. I don't want another convo with the Feds.

Woof Blitzer
Dec 29, 2012

[-]

2spooky4me posted:

I don't want another convo with the Feds.

So you gonna submit that or...

Mr. Nice!
Oct 13, 2005

c-spam cannot afford



I never got any fed phone calls when I was a mod :(

CHICKEN SHOES
Oct 4, 2002
Slippery Tilde

quote:


I once took a massive poo poo in the back of a humvee. The humvee was the 1SGT's and he was a huge massive loving piece of poo poo who rode around during AT on his Harley because he was part of some retarded "Kansas/Missouri biker gang" during his off time in the national guard.

They called a mass formation 2/3rd's the way into our AT and forced a mandatory urinalysis, to which he said they would "DNA test" every single specimen of urine to find the culprit, but if the "poo poo bandit" fessed up they would receive a less harsh punishment

But I was a college student and I'm smarter to know that DNA testing is expensive and etc etc so I kept my mouth shut and my rear end in a top hat clean the rest of AT.

Oh, I also stole 20+ cases of MRE's from the Armory and apparently CID got called on me and I made around $400 extra from selling them through craigslist and eBay

to add to that story: I didn't get caught for the MRE theft and LOL gently caress you national guard SMDFTB

Nostalgia4Infinity
Feb 27, 2007

10,000 YEARS WASN'T ENOUGH LURKING
Oh, and trying to figure out who the identity of the anonymous poster is not cool and kind of ruins the thread gimmick so don't do it!

CHICKEN SHOES
Oct 4, 2002
Slippery Tilde

quote:

I came back from my first deployment without seeing any combat, but I felt really guilty about it. It seemed like so many people had built it up to be this big grand thing that not shooting anyone felt like a big letdown. Like this was supposed to be the thing that was going to define your life and make a man out of you, and I missed out on it.

I ended up telling my friends and family a few believable combat stories, with just enough detail to seem plausible and not enough for anyone to call bullshit. I knew it was wrong, but people would buy me drinks or food, and for while I felt like a cool guy. Nobody ever caught on.

Now that I've been back a few more times, it all feels incredibly juvenile and stupid. But really, I can't go back and tell my friends that those were lies. Not because of the damage to my reputation or anything, but rather because I've known these guys for a long time and to tell them that I lied would shatter their faith in me. One of them has since gone on deployment and seen legitimately more hosed up poo poo than I did. It's been a few years since he returned, but the guy is still dealing with the effects of that deployment. If I were to tell the truth, he would probably think me a scumbag and never want to talk with me again.

CHICKEN SHOES
Oct 4, 2002
Slippery Tilde

quote:

I once lied about seeing combat to shut a kid up in one of my classes who wouldn't stop talking about all soldiers being baby killers. It was flimsy as hell, I wasn't even in the Army, I was in Navy lol but the whole class bought it. On one hand I feel bad about it, but on the other I'm almost shocked at about how easy it is to lie to civilians and wonder if I can exploit it.

CHICKEN SHOES
Oct 4, 2002
Slippery Tilde

quote:

I did a lot of drugs in the military. I never got caught, but was super close to getting caught a bunch. Not just weed but coke and pills. Not like anyone doesn't abuse pain pills in the military.

I've also stolen a lot of equipment specific to my field. Like "stuff is on a hand receipt." Stuff. Got away with that too. I was never asked about it.

I don't feel guilty about either of those things. The military is by and large a poo poo show. It throws money at problems and wonders why it won't go away. Someone I know audited this big case about some senator or congressmen's daughter getting Navy TDY to spend time and research recipes. For cultural purposes. This went on for at least 6 months.

I do feel guilty about how I've treated my family. I never got to see war and conflict, but I saw the aftermath. That was plenty. Though I always felt guilty I never shot back in anger.

I almost killed myself more times than I can count.

milk milk lemonade
Jul 29, 2016
:lol: at Navy guy for:

1) not claiming to be a Marine instead of being in the Army

2) not just saying you were in the Navy

What the hell is wrong with you hahaha if you had told a bunch of civilians you 'deployed' to the Strait of Hormuz or something they wouldn't have known the difference

CHICKEN SHOES
Oct 4, 2002
Slippery Tilde

quote:

I'm not in the armed forces but I hosed an IDF member in the rear end once, does that count? He was in some kind of secret artillery unit. We didn't use protection. Insh'allah.

CHICKEN SHOES
Oct 4, 2002
Slippery Tilde

quote:

SO NO poo poo THERE I WUZ, a 19 year old private on the 4th week of EIB training, just after a "voluntary" Saturday. Training entailed marching 4 miles to the training site every morning and 4 miles back every evening. Needless to say, I was tired. Had just ordered myself a pizza and was ready to relax that Saturday evening.

I went down to the staff duty desk to pick up my delivery, only to be told that two of the guys from my platoon didn't show up for front gate guard duty. They had previously been tasked out since they had failed the EIB prereqs. Since staff duty couldn't find anyone else from my platoon, they grabbed me.

And so instead of getting to enjoy my pizza, I was stuck on the base front gate until 5AM. Afterwards, I only got maybe 3 hours of sleep that Sunday morning. Needless to say, I was a bit pissed. The two no-shows from my platoon were still nowhere to be found.

So, as I was walking to the PX with a buddy, I said a hyperbolic revenge measure. He laughed and said I totally should, thinking that I was kidding.

I wasn't.

So when we got back to the barracks, I broke into the two guys' room (they were roommates), and a couple others stood guard for me.

I took both of their Class A jackets, and spread them on the floor, open, so that the inside of the jacket was facing up.

And then despite my buddies' jokes overheard through the door, thanks to a Playboy magazine and some focus, I ejaculated mightily onto the exposed interiors of both Class A jackets.

Then I carefully folded them closed again, put them on hangers, and put them back in the wall lockers from whence they came.

The rest of the platoon EXCEPT for those two found out within a matter of days. The platoon sergeant's only response was a shocked "I ain't never heard of that poo poo before!"

One of the guys never (to my knowlege) found out, and went AWOL shortly thereafter.

The other guy found out a year later, after he was already in another company, and wanted to fight me. His NCO got him to back down, and then when I ran into him a year later on deployment, he pretended to have forgotten what the argument was all about. Probably for the best.

UP THE BUM NO BABY
Sep 1, 2011

by Hand Knit

I knew a guy once that got roomed with the person he hated more than anyone else. When he left the platoon to PCS he decided to take his revenge in spectacular fashion. He took his old cum-stained gently caress sock that he kept during deployment and never washed and decided to put it to use. He dusted everything that belonged to his hated roommate with the dried-up, crusty, Afghan dusted semen. Everything. He took special care to apply some to the toothbrush and pillow of the guy. Now, everybody in the platoon found out shortly after it happened, but we waited until a month after the PCS ceremony to tell the victim what went down. While we were training in Hohenfels. Dude started bawling. Funniest poo poo of my life.

CHICKEN SHOES
Oct 4, 2002
Slippery Tilde

quote:

Here's two. One fun, one serious.

Back when I was an E-4 in Germany, we had a boss who didn't know how to end his daily meetings. He loved keeping the night shift guys late, sometimes for hours, so he could endlessly rehash our ongoing morale problem. The problem was his sucky leadership. On one fateful day, I ate a bunch of eggs from the chow hall beforehand. I quietly ripped rear end throughout the meeting, until he grew disgusted enough to storm out in a huff. It was genuinely horrifying. He refused to hold another meeting until someone ratted out the culprit, somehow thinking this was a punishment. Needless to say, nobody ever flipped on me.


More earnestly, I deployed with a Special Forces unit as an augmentee. I traveled around Afghanistan, saw some stuff, served under the only genuinely leaders I ever met, and got shot at from time to time. Everyone in the unit wore the SF regimental crest. The SF guys, naturally, had long tabs, the pogs like me didn't. That's the only "combat" patch I earned for my ACUs. Should I wear it, though? On the one hand, that deployment was the only thing I've ever been proud of in my military career. On the other hand, I don't want to look like a faker bitch by wearing an SF patch as a non-Green Beret.

CHICKEN SHOES
Oct 4, 2002
Slippery Tilde

quote:

I hosed an E-7 running the academic poo poo for MCRD San Diego a few times while I was stationed at Pendleton as a lowly corporal. She was this super fit, tiny blonde thing with a killed body and an ehhhh face. but she was bossy as gently caress until he clothes were off, she then wanted to be tied up, called names and barebacked. So if any of you went to MCRD around 03-04 and remember a little blonde gunny chick, she totally had her g-spot half way up her rear end in a top hat

Nice and hot piss
Feb 1, 2004

To the guy who earned the SF tab:

Yes, wear it proudly. I too was stationed with the SF guys on their compound. Our main task was "counter-insurgency" operations for two platoons, the other two platoons got tasked out with the SF guys and filled holes in gun trucks or got hauled up to Sadr City/other locations and provided security both in base and during missions, until about 6 months in when poo poo was getting pretty unstable and our command decided to pull us out and keep us on base and continue our primary mission of counter-insurg south of the airport.

Even when we got back it wasn't uncommon to see a few people rolling with the SF combat patches from completely different units. I asked one dude where he was deployed and it was nowhere near where I was, but nobody will really give 2 shits unless you start the whole "yeah see this? SF bruh call me operator Joe"

Just be honest, nobody will say anything until you decide to take the patch and throw it on your left shoulder.

Syrian Lannister
Aug 25, 2007

Oh, did I kill him too?
I've been a very busy little man.


Sugartime Jones

MurderBot posted:

To the guy who earned the SF tab:

Yes, wear it proudly. I too was stationed with the SF guys on their compound. Our main task was "counter-insurgency" operations for two platoons, the other two platoons got tasked out with the SF guys and filled holes in gun trucks or got hauled up to Sadr City/other locations and provided security both in base and during missions, until about 6 months in when poo poo was getting pretty unstable and our command decided to pull us out and keep us on base and continue our primary mission of counter-insurg south of the airport.

Even when we got back it wasn't uncommon to see a few people rolling with the SF combat patches from completely different units. I asked one dude where he was deployed and it was nowhere near where I was, but nobody will really give 2 shits unless you start the whole "yeah see this? SF bruh call me operator Joe"

Just be honest, nobody will say anything until you decide to take the patch and throw it on your left shoulder.

QFT

I was assigned to 3rd SFG, and was never tabbed out either.

Woof Blitzer
Dec 29, 2012

[-]
I thought I was going to read stories of privates strangling juicy girls to death, all this is boooring

milk milk lemonade
Jul 29, 2016
It's the most military thread. The idea of it is way more fun than the actual execution.

Naked Bear
Apr 15, 2007

Boners was recorded before a studio audience that was alive!

Ice Cream Barbara posted:

I thought I was going to read stories of privates strangling juicy girls to death, all this is boooring
I'm pretty sure that every unit has the story of the guy who murdered a couple hookers in his basement but got found out when one of them escaped, thus causing him to burn down his on-post housing in an attempt to destroy evidence.

Wasabi the J
Jan 23, 2008

MOM WAS RIGHT
one time the army sucked really bad, but then I realized it was my whole career, and I realized I spent most of my twenties not smoking pot and socializing with real people or being well-rounded, so I got depression.

Wasabi the J
Jan 23, 2008

MOM WAS RIGHT
oh sorry make it anonymous.

CHICKEN SHOES
Oct 4, 2002
Slippery Tilde

quote:

i once had a female troop who was kind of cute in like a 'gently caress it, it's the only game in town' sort of way. i got her drunk one night and hosed her because i knew i could. i told her that if she told anyone what happened i would ruin her career. she had a nervous breakdown a few months later and chaptered out. last i heard she was back in her hometown living with her parents and i think has a drug problem.

5/10 lay

CHICKEN SHOES
Oct 4, 2002
Slippery Tilde

quote:

Okay, one more, since Teflon Don wants anonymous choking stories.

I killed a rat that had been raiding food in my camp's TOC. Took a couple weeks, but it finally got stuck in a glue trap I set out. It was still alive and wriggling around, so I figured the humane thing to do was put it in a plastic bag so it would suffocate, before I disposed of the carcass. That was the only thing I personally killed on that or any other deployment.

Fast forward a few months. My unit RIP/TOA'd and we're at Manas on our way back to the free world. I'm at the bar, enjoying my first pints of beer in almost a year - Baltika #9. I'm flirting with a cute Air Force chick, and things are going well. My buddy lurches into the conversation, drunk.

"Tell her about your first kill!"

What? I never killed any... uh-oh.

"Yeah, that's my boy! Killed an Afghan street rat. Stone cold choked the little fucker to death!"

The girl hastily excused herself before I could explain that he was being 100% literal, my blue falcon buddy about pissed himself laughing, and I returned to my transient tent without getting laid. A shameful redeployment.

Arc Light
Sep 26, 2013



Hillary Clintons Thong posted:

Hannibal Lector sex story.

:chanpop:

This is why we have SAPR training every goddamn year.

CommieGIR
Aug 22, 2006

The blue glow is a feature, not a bug


Pillbug

Hillary Clintons Thong posted:

"Hi, I'm the guy. The rear end in a top hat that makes us take SAPR every year"

:catstare: Jesus loving christ.

Mike-o
Dec 25, 2004

Now I'm in your room
And I'm in your bed


Grimey Drawer
loving kill yourself you rapey piece of poo poo. Not even loving joking.

J.A.B.C.
Jul 2, 2007

There's no need to rush to be an adult.



Jesus gently caress, I hope you end up castrated, dude.

Godholio
Aug 28, 2002

Does a bear split in the woods near Zheleznogorsk?
Statistically at least two of you fucks are hiding a similar story.

mlmp08
Jul 11, 2004

Prepare for my priapic projectile's exalted penetration
Nap Ghost

Godholio posted:

Statistically at least two of you fucks are hiding a similar story.

Rapists may self-select not to respond to that one.

Woof Blitzer
Dec 29, 2012

[-]

I'm gonna kick your freaking rear end guy

Serjeant Buzfuz
Dec 5, 2009

J.A.B.C. posted:

Jesus gently caress, I hope you end up castrated, dude.

Bruh, its locker room talk.... all guys talk like that....

:bahgawd:

EBB
Feb 15, 2005

I hope that's stdh.txt otherwise you need to have your balls snipped off. You're human garbage.

Proust Malone
Apr 4, 2008

you are giant pile of human feces

Nostalgia4Infinity
Feb 27, 2007

10,000 YEARS WASN'T ENOUGH LURKING
:catstare:

Dead Reckoning
Sep 13, 2011
What did you guys think this thread was going to be about if not petty criminality, covering up blatant TO violations, wanton disregard for human life, and sexual misconduct?

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Third World Reagan
May 19, 2008

Imagine four 'mechs waiting in a queue. Time works the same way.
I already spilled all of my gip confessions in the days of grover as I told opsec (not opsec) stories and he tried to scrub my posting history

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