|
Elf on the Shelf THE PERSONAL JOURNAL OF JEFFY TUTTLE, AGE 10 PRIVATE!!! KEEP OUT! December 3, 1980 Things I want for Christmas: Rubix Cube Bean Bag Chair Fire Extinguisher “How to quit smoking through Hypnosis” by Dr. F. Lee Rogers Millennium Falcon Walkie Talkie Padlock for Pops’ whiskey cabinet December 6, 1980 Pops got a new job. He works at the counter of a tow yard. People get mad they have to pay because their cars got towed, so they yell at him all day. It makes me happy. He works late. That makes me happy, too. Maybe he will work so late he won’t come home until I am in bed. December 10, 1980 Christmas is soon. Mom and I put up the tree and the decorations. I am happy dad has been working so late December 13, 1980 Christmas is less than two weeks away. I am excited. There is a new decoration, its name is Elf on the Shelf. I don’t like it. It has a huge mouth, long arms, and red eyes. Mom says it goes in the living room where it can see me. There is lots of stuff in the living room for it to sit on. December 15, 1980 I don’t like the Elf on the Shelf. He stares at me no matter where I am in the living room, and I have bad dreams. I asked mom to throw him away, but mom says he has to watch me and report to Santa if I am bad. But I don’t believe in Santa since last year. Santa sucks. December 18, 1980 One more week until Christmas. Mom says the Elf on the Shelf can go up in the attic after that. She keeps moving it around the living room. Today, I was running between all the stacks of newspapers, and I almost bumped into it on the couch. It was right in my face. I screamed. Mom laughed. I hope Santa starts another fire and burns him up. December 20, 1980 My wrists hurt, so I won’t be writing much. Pops made me clean the carpets with a lint roller. It took all night. I don’t know how I got caught, either. I needed an old newspaper for history in school. So I took one from the piles in the living room. There are thousands there, so I thought he wouldn’t notice. I even put it back, right where I got it, before he came back from work. But he knew! HOW DID HE KNOW? December 22, 1980 I got hurt today. I bled a little. At dinner, I pushed my peas and carrots into my lap. I thought Pops didn’t see, he was too busy watching Barney Miller. But later on he yanked me out of bed and told me he knew. I think the Elf on the Shelf told him. December 23, 1980 Mom says I get one present, under $5. I want a new journal. This one is only half filled, but it has blood on it. But then pops would know I keep a journal. I don’t know if he’d laugh at me and call it my diary, or read it and explode, or what, but I don’t want him to know I have it. I don’t want the Elf on the Shelf to see me writing and tell him I have it. I’m glad Christmas is almost over. December 4, 2003 Hello, old friend! I was alphabetizing the junk in my attic, when I found you. Before I file you under “J,” I decided to take a stroll down memory lane. I really hated my dad, and only you knew it, huh? Well, you’ll be glad to know he’s dead now. The things he did have shaped the way I am raising Oliver. Things are alright. Honestly, the kid leaves a lot to be desired, but the whole goal is to do better than your own parents. To pick the ball up where Pops left it and move it further toward the goal line. And on that score, I’m doing quite well. Unlike my hoarder father, I keep our house neat and clean, and make sure Oliver does the same. I still smoke and drink, but I don’t use it like my father did. It’s just a way to make all the cleaning much more bearable. Nothing like a few shots every hour to make scrubbing the baseboards interesting. It’s definitely not how it was with Pops. When the people from Child Protective Services show up, now, it’s always for some big misunderstanding. Not like it was with Pops, where they would show up because a teacher had reported the bruises I always seemed to bring to school. Yep, I’m definitely moving that ball closer to the end zone than Pops ever did. Not like I’ll ever score a touchdown, I don’t even know what the metaphorical equivalent of that would be. I just want my kid to be smarter than me, to make better decisions than I did. Maybe I’ll keep you posted. December 8, 2003 Had another blast from the past today. Found the Elf on the Shelf in a dusty old trunk of Christmas decorations in Pops’ basement. Remember that horrible thing? It was supposed to report to Santa, mom said. But I hadn’t believed in Santa since I was nine, when “Santa” passed out under the tree, and his lit cigarette burnt up all my presents. I asked for more, but Pops said the elf labor union forbids making toys after Christmas. Santa sucks. The first thing I did was unscrew it, to see if there was some sort of recording device inside. Nope, just plastic, no room to put a camera in there or anything. At least not one of those 1980s cameras. I guess I always just imagined it. Tossed it on the living room bookcase: Oliver has been getting sloppy in his second hour of daily cleaning, and I’m usually working too late to catch him and make him do it over. Maybe this will be just the thing to keep him motivated. December 10, 2003 Came home, chugged a few shots of Evan Williams and poured some on the rocks. Settled into my usual chair to watch my UFO shows. I realized something about the Elf on the Shelf: I always thought it was my imagination that made its features seem so scary. Nope, it is actually really freaky. It’s got a huge red mouth that looks more like it’s about to open up and bite you than it does a smile. It’s arms are really long, which gives it a sort of monster-like look, like that made-up boogeyman those girls stabbed that other girl over. And the eyes: Good God, who gives an elf doll red eyes? Those parts make me think there are other things wrong with it which certainly aren’t. Like how it seemed to have its head turned right at me, staring me down from the bookcase. I downed a few glasses, but it was still pretty creepy, so I took it and shoved it face-first into the Christmas tree. December 12, 2003 It’s happening again. I came home from a double shift to find the elf doll sitting upright on the floor underneath the Christmas tree. I told Oliver he had to be more responsible about picking up toys off the floor every hour, on the hour. To make sure he got the point, I sent him to bed without dinner. Then I went to get a drink. I opened the liquor cabinet, and there he was. The elf was sitting right in front of the open Evan Williams bottle, staring at me with those freaky eyes. I checked the tree, nope, no elf. Had I imagined the whole thing? I couldn’t have, my son’s full plate of food was still sitting next to his unoccupied place at the table. What the hell? I went out and bought a lock for the liquor cabinet. Felt kind of silly, as nobody else in the house even likes Evan Williams, which is all I keep in there. And over what? An elf that I thought I stuffed under a tree, but I must’ve actually put in the cabinet? But locking up the liquor is something I needed to do eventually, to make sure Oliver doesn’t get the notion to start trying liquor. The longer I can keep him from tasting the sauce, the more “yards” my family’s team gains. I’m just trying to make him smarter at life than Pops made me, to keep moving that ball down the field. December 13, 2003 Oliver tracked dirt into the house again. When he does this, I make him sweep it up, then clean the floors with lint roller. Not like my dad used to do to me- that was carpet. These floors are wooden, so using the lint roller is actually smart because it gets them extra clean. When I opened the cupboard with the lint rollers, that drat elf was staring right at me. Thing is, I hadn’t been in that closet since the last time Oliver dirtied up the floors, which was months ago. HOW DID IT KNOW? I took the drat thing out to the back yard and tossed it in the trash. December 15, 2003 I unlocked the liquor cabinet and it was in there. Staring at me with those drat evil eyes. I took it out, placed it on the table, and hit it with a hammer until it was in about a hundred pieces. Took them outside and burnt them. The whole thing must’ve startled Oliver, because he started crying, so I made him organize the tool shed. December 17, 2003 It’s back. Sitting right there in the liquor cabinet. I give up. December 22, 2003 Oliver forgot to salt our driveway, today. I slipped and drat near burst a hemorrhoid falling on my keister. Kid's ten years old, but he’s pretty dumb. I may not have raised a boy that’s smarter than me, but I sure seem to have an elf that is. No matter what I’m about to do, it knows. I come home from a double shift, it’s in the liquor cabinet. Oliver forgets to rinse out the tub after a shower, so I make him clean the grout with a toothbrush, and it’s there in my cleaning bucket. I’ll even try to fool it. I’ll come home from a double shift and go get the lint roller, it’s not there. It’s in the liquor cabinet. It knows what I’m about to do. I can’t even open the liquor cabinet without my stomach tying in a knot because I know it’s going to be there. Unless of course, I’m trying to fake it out, and not really planning on drinking because I have to go to work, in which case it’s never, ever there. December 25, 2003 I’ve had enough. I stopped opening the pantry with the cleaning supplies. The place is getting messy, but I don’t care. Forget about moving the ball down the field, I just can’t take the sight of that drat elf. I woke up the other day and he was on my chest. Staring straight into my eyes. And then… and then it laughed! Twenty-five years and I never heard the drat thing laugh. HOW DID IT LEARN HOW TO LAUGH? I’m pretty sure it’s going to kill me. I don’t even drink anymore, I know he’ll be waiting there in the cabinet. I drink a lot of coffee and smoke a lot. For some reason it never seems to care about that. November 29, 2015 Found this journal in with the Christmas decorations. Right next to that damned elf. Since I’m a completionist, I might as well fill out the last few pages. The elf stopped showing up after that Christmas. Turns out it never did kill me, I guess he knew God would take care of that. Got back from the doctor today, there’s a huge mass in my lung. 12 years completely sober, and this is the reward I get. Doctor says I got maybe a few months left, so I’m cleaning out my attic. Gonna show Oliver when he gets back from his trip. He’s setting up a clean water reservoir in Africa. See if he wants any of this garbage. I guess I’d better warn him about the elf, too. December 1, 2015 Well, that was a kick in the head. I was having one of my bad days when Oliver came over earlier. I could barely get out of bed. Death sucks, sure, but what they don’t tell you is that before you die you get sick and stay that way. You don’t get to live out your last days in peace, but in agony. For me, the agony is definitely settling in to stay. In between coughing spells, I pulled out various boxes of Christmas decorations to show to Oliver. If he wanted the box, we marked it and put it aside. If not, we put it in a pile to give to Goodwill. After a few boxes I came to the Elf on a Shelf. Oliver’s eyes grew wide, I didn’t expect him to remember it, but I was obviously wrong. “Maybe in Africa you learned something about curses, I dunno,” I began, “but this thing’s cursed and I’m scared it’s going to take it to you.” “Wait, what?” “It’s been after me for decades. The worst was when you were little. No matter what I did, it would come back and be there, waiting to pop out wherever I went. I thought it was going to kill me.” At this, Oliver let out a long hiccupping sound. I’m not into men getting emotional, but this was a special case with me dying and all, so I waited for it to pass. But instead of stopping, it grew. And it wasn’t crying, it was a laugh. Soon, Oliver was doubled over, guffawing louder than I’d ever heard him before. “You think it’s funny, your old man croaking?” I spat. Oliver took a second to compose himself, “Dad, I… I really thought you knew.” “Knew?” “It was me. I kept hiding this dumb doll.” My jaw dropped. There was no way. “It… it would be in my locked liquor cabinet.” “You were a drunk, I copied your key one time when you were sleeping off about a fifth of that cheap whiskey.” “N-No, but I threw it away, and it came back,” I’m surprised my heart didn’t just give out there, “I smashed the drat thing to bits and burnt it!” “I got a new one on ebay!” “It was on ebay?” “It wasn’t the exact same one. It looked the same, but the new one I got was more modern. I think it had a chip in it that made it laugh.” “Why?” “No offense, you were an awful dad. The drinking, the obsessive-compulsive cleanliness. I saw how afraid you were of this thing, and I used it to trick you so you would stop all that.” My vision swam. My son went on about how hilarious this was, and how it would probably make a great tale for one of those “scary stories” places they have on the Internet. But I couldn’t register any of it, my entire field of consciousness was filled with one thing. One… single… word… Touchdown.
|
#
¿
Dec 12, 2016 01:59
|
|
|
|
| # ¿ Apr 18, 2024 14:42 |
|
|
I'm an Animatronic Statue of Jesus, AMA Earlier, the AMA sub was abuzz with a peculiar entry. Although this entry was taken down shortly after its creation, I managed to copypaste it all. The police were quite interested, they told me not to show anyone else. Still, I figured it should go here, so I made this throwaway account. I’m an Animatronic Statue of Jesus, AMA Submitted 20 minutes ago by animatronic_statue_of_Jesus [-] sugagurl 5 points 30 minutes ago So, is this some kind of joke setup? What’s the punchline? [-] animatronic_statue_of_Jesus 12 points 30 minutes ago Yes, if by “joke setup” you mean, “cruel twist of fate,” and by “punchline,” you mean, “the perpetual nightmare that is my existence.” [-] coffin_candy 1 point 29 minutes ago Okay, I’ll play along. How did you learn to talk? [-] animatronic_statue_of_Jesus 18 points 25 minutes ago I wasn’t always trapped in this statue. My name is Horace Melman. When I had a body, I was an insurance adjustor from Pensacola, Florida. I took my family on a vacation. One of the places we went, the last place I ever went, was “Bible World Amusement Park.” Not really my thing, but the wife and kids wanted to go. I would’ve made us skip it, but I got a little rough with them the night before, and I figured it would smooth things over. I should have stood my ground. Bible World is a knock-off Disneyland that has a Christian theme. It’s a crappy place: The attractions are old and rusty, the food is overpriced and lovely, and the rides are really cut-rate, as I found out the hard way. We were on a ride called, “Noah’s Ark.” It’s a standard log ride, where you get in a floating boat and zoom around a water track like a roller coaster. The “big” finish is when the boat goes down a giant hill really fast, and a statue of Moses parts the water on both sides while you fly under a footbridge (as you can see, this place ain’t too big on Biblical accuracy). When my family went down, the footbridge broke from some fat tourists stomping across. The bottom of the whole thing fell a few feet. My wife and kids zoomed under, but I was just tall enough for the bridge to take off my head. After severing from the body, my dome flew across the park and landed next to this talking statue of Jesus. I think it said “Hallelujah” and waved its hand or something. A lot of my blood got onto and inside the statue. That night, there was a lightning storm, a bolt hit the Jesus statue with my blood in it, and next thing you know: I am the statue. That was 1994, I been here ever since. I can control the statue’s speech and wave my hand like I’m the pope, but that’s about it. [-] Lithium0104 4 points 24 minutes ago If you could speak, why didn’t you tell anyone? [-] animatronic_statue_of_Jesus 14 points 23 minutes ago Oh, I did. I yelled as loud as the statue’s voice controls would let me. Believe it or not, people who run a Bible-themed amusement park don’t like for their Jesus statue to constantly emit loud screams for help. So they unplugged me, and stashed me in the warehouse full of all the other doo-dads and religious gizmos that were in need of repair. [-] psychic_skeptic 2 points 23 minutes ago So we’re supposed to believe you’re a conscious, dead human trapped inside a Jesus statue? This AMA is going to get shut down so fast [-] animatronic_statue_of_Jesus 9 points 22 minutes ago I don’t care what you believe, bitch. I’m freaking animatronic Jesus, whether anyone believes it or not. All the doubt in the world won’t free me, so go enjoy your life. [-] freebasementdweller25 1 point 21 minutes ago If you’re Jesus, then what is the meaning of life? [-] animatronic_statue_of_Jesus 2 points 19 minutes ago I’m not Jesus, dammit. Pay attention. I’m just some dead guy. My conscious thoughts remain the same as when I was alive, I didn’t merge with the holy spirit or discover a life-changing epiphany. That’s not to say I don’t have wisdom to impart. I came here mainly to tell you all one crucial piece of advice: If you are ever metaphysically trapped inside an animatronic Jesus statue, DON’T LET THEM UNPLUG YOU! I spent fifteen years in that warehouse, my statue couldn’t move but my consciousness remained active. Have you ever thought about death, and wondered if maybe your consciousness stays in your corpse? You can think, but you can’t move and are alone in the dark for all eternity? That was my fifteen years in that dusty prop warehouse. Sitting there, never sleeping, never interacting with anybody, just growing crazier by the day in my own spiritual straitjacket. [-] carrrtoon1 1 point 18 minutes ago How’d you get out? [-] animatronic_statue_of_Jesus 2 points 17 minutes ago I guess they needed a Jesus statue, or something, because one day I was dusted off and plugged in. By then, I had more than learned my lesson: I didn’t do any screaming, and even managed a “Hallelujah” or two, so I guess they thought I was alright. They put me in a new spot: right by the creationism ride, where kiddies ride a 5,000 year old dinosaur past some cavemen. [-] 3ternalPessimist 1 point 17 minutes ago So, everything worked out happily ever after? [-] animatronic_statue_of_Jesus 2 points 16 minutes ago Yeah, it’s super freaking peachy. I love being bolted to the ground all day, all night. My existence sucks. You think a horse dreams of being part of a merry-go-round? It’s still a million times better than being trapped in the warehouse, but my only entertainment is people-watching and torturing little kids. [-] Codemonkey42 3 points 16 minutes ago How did you get on the Internet? [-] animatronic_statue_of_Jesus 1 point 16 minutes ago A few weeks ago, all the statues were put on the grid so service techs can diagnose issues remotely. The internet rocks, I love watching those videos where chefs compete, what are those called? [-] derek_the_cat 2 points 15 minutes ago Wait u torture kids? [-] animatronic_statue_of_Jesus 7 points 12 minutes ago Calm down, I mean psychologically. Well, mainly that’s what I mean. You know, just mess with their heads. All day long kids think it’s funny to smack me or throw food on me. I’m just getting even. One of my favorite things to do is wait for some brat to walk by. I’ll say something like “Hey, kid, want an ice cream?” The fat ones always do, and come running over. I’ll say, “well if you listen to your old pal, Jesus, I’ll give you an ice cream at the end. First, you’ve got to listen to Jesus tell you all about the Bible!” Then I’ll launch into the longest religious diatribe I can think of. I’ll tell them about the Garden of Eden, the book of Revelations, whatever I can think of. Anybody walks by, they just see a kid patiently listening to a spouting Jesus statue. I’ll see how long I can keep them there. Then, after a few minutes or half an hour or however long it takes for the kid to grow bored, I’ll say, “You’ve earned your reward! To get your iiiiiice creeeeam, juuuuust,” the last part I make it sound like I’m running out of power. Then I stop. Don’t move, don’t talk. Sometimes the kid just walks away, but usually they hit or kick me. Then I spring back to life, “First, you’ve got to listen to Jesus tell you all about the Bible…” I launch into the same long-winded diatribe as before. That’s usually enough to start them crying or, for the older kids, cursing. [-] Mariota_little_lamb 2 points 12 minutes ago Aren’t you afraid that they’ll unplug you, again? [-] animatronic_statue_of_Jesus 4 points 11 minutes ago That’s the beauty of the ruse. What’s the kid going to say? Jesus told him a bunch of Bible stories? The best is when a parent catches an older kid swearing at Jesus. That’s a belting, for sure. Those kinds of moments are rare sunbeams in my bleak existence. [-] xxxplosivo 3 points 11 minutes ago That’s messed up, man. What else do you do? [-] animatronic_statue_of_Jesus 1 point 11 minutes ago Nothing you need to know about. [-] xxxplosivo 11 minutes ago So… something really bad? [-] animatronic_statue_of_Jesus 1 point 10 minutes ago Bad would imply it was unjustified. It was always justified. [-] colabottleshape 3 points 10 minutes ago If it was always justified, you should have no problem sharing, right? [-] animatronic_statue_of_Jesus 1 point 10 minutes ago Look, I found out I can give a big electric shock if I come into contact with most liquids. For instance, once a dog peed on me. I fired so many volts on that thing, it rocketed out of the park and into the Everglades. Doubt they ever found that corpse. [-] shanghai0367481 1 point 10 minutes ago Excuse. My English not good. From China. I wonder if you know where my child? [-] animatronic_statue_of_Jesus 1 point 10 minutes ago Be more specific ching-chong, I seen millions of kids. [-] bronthesaurus 2 points 9 minutes ago You just went and killed someone’s dog like that? You don’t even feel bad about it? [-] animatronic_statue_of_Jesus 3 points 9 minutes ago Dog was peeing on a statue of Jesus. I’m not even sure God feels bad about it. [-] occidental_tourist 9 minutes ago What’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever seen? [-] animatronic_statue_of_Jesus 2 points 9 minutes ago Not much. Go stand in the same place on the street and look in the same direction for a few hours. You won’t see anything interesting. [-] shanghai0367481 1 point 8 minutes ago I sorry. I try to show better. I lose child, son. Last seen, Bible World. 2012. Chinese. Blue eye. One hand missing. [-] animatronic_statue_of_Jesus 3 points 8 minutes ago Ah! Hello! I do remember that child. Would you like to know what happened to him? [-] shanghai0367481 1 point 8 minutes ago Yes please, what happen? [-] animatronic_statue_of_Jesus 1 point 7 minutes ago Well, take a listen to your old pal, Jesus. It was a sweltering Florida spring. Most of the park was empty, or at least it looked empty from my vantage. It always kind of shocked me how the park could afford to stay open, even at its busiest there weren’t more than a few people in line for the most popular rides. I guess when you have low overhead, and you don’t’ give a poo poo about ADHERING TO SAFETY STANDARDS FOR BRIDGES AND poo poo, it doesn’t take too many visitors to keep the business afloat. [-] stripped2trip 1 point 7 minutes ago Wait, are we live-reading an Unsolved Mysteries: Solved go down? [-] animatronic_statue_of_Jesus 1 point 7 minutes ago Not familiar with that reference. [-] shanghai0367481 1 point 6 minutes ago Please. My child missing so long. Where? [-] animatronic_statue_of_Jesus 1 point 6 minutes ago Right. So, as I was saying, it was so humid I could feel my bolts rusting. Usually, on those days, most people go for the cooler rides. Like the log ride which killed me. The evolution ride I was stationed outside was as dead as the dinosaurs its cars were modeled after. Then, this porky chink kid comes walking by. He was sucking on a giant soda, preparing himself for an early diabetes death. He was weird looking too, blue eyes, one hand. How many Chinese you even seen that had blue eyes? [-] shanghai0367481 1 point 5 minutes ago Yes, that my boy… what happen? [-] animatronic_statue_of_Jesus 1 point 4 minutes ago Like I said, he was drinking this soda as big as his pumpkin-shaped head. I knew he was a sucker I could lure in with the old ice cream trick. As he walks by me, I give him the old Hallelujah. This little poo poo kid, he takes his drink and pours it on me. Just dumps like a quart of soda right over the graven image of the son of God’s thorny crown, you know? I mean, who does that? How does some kid get such a lack of respect for anything that he just does that on a whim, you know? So I decided to- [Note: at this point, the response stops for 1-2 minutes] [-] amafanatic 1 point 3 minutes ago Hello? [-] oldschoolblues 1 point 3 minutes ago Did Jesus get crucified? [-] animatronic_statue_of_Jesus 1 point 3 minutes ago Having… trouble… no power. [-] kefkatic_fanatic 1 point 3 minutes ago Uh oh, the park probably pulled the plug [-] shanghai0367481 1 point 3 minutes ago Please, my son? What happen? [-] shanghai0367481 1 point 2 minutes ago My son. What happen? [-] animatronic_statue_of_Jesus 1 point 2 minutes ago Would you like to know what happened to him? [-] shanghai0367481 1 point 2 minutes ago Yes. [-] animatronic_statue_of_Jesus 1 point 2 minutes ago Are you sure? [-] shanghai0367481 1 point 2 minutes ago Yes. Yes. Please. [-] animatronic_statue_of_Jesus 1 point 1 minute ago Well, take a listen to your old pal Jesus! It was a sweltering Florida spring. Most of the park was empty, or at least it looked empty from my vantage. It always kind of shocked me how the park could afford to stay open, even at its busiest there weren’t more than a few people in line for the most popular rides. I guess when you have low overhead, and you don’t’ give a poo poo about ADHERING TO SAFETY STANDARDS FOR BRIDGES AND poo poo, it doesn’t take too many visitors to keep the business afloat. [Note: At this point, the entire chat was deleted]
|
|
#
¿
Feb 14, 2017 05:52
|
|
|
This is something weird. Not paranormal obviously, but still odd. I never would have found it, except there has been a heat wave in the Pacific Northwest. I took my kids to the playground, but everything burned to touch. So we were running around some nearby woods. During a round of hide and seek, I come upon one of my sons playing with a phone. At first I assumed it was my phone and scolded him, but my phone was in my pocket. I took the device from him, it's just a standard iPhone 6, except the apple logo on the back is black. Never seen one like that. Don't get your hopes up for anything creepy, it's almost definitely some Chinese knockoff. I bet its owner couldnt get it to work so they chucked it in the woods. Still, in the interest of storytelling, I'll post a few pics in an hour or two when I get my kids down for a nap. In the meantime, I am charging it.
|
|
#
¿
Jul 20, 2017 21:37
|
|