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I think it works in general. Take another read over it and try to find places where you can cut down the wordiness, particularly where you're trying to make quips. (Quips are less funny the longer they take to say.) For instance:quote:It wasn’t that I didn’t care about him, or that I was celebrating his death, or any of the other ghoulish scenarios you might imagine. I just hadn’t eaten all day, you see. He's addressing the listener here twice, but the rest of it isn't really addressed to anyone. You could cut it down to "or any other ghoulish scenario. I just hadn't eaten all day." I like the tone of the beginning lines but I wished it would have connected back up with something else. As is, you start off with what happens after the funeral, then jump back in time to the funeral itself. If you want to make the detail relevant maybe he had the meal before the funeral and now he's worried he's showed up early smelling like fried chicken or something? I dunno. Chicken and a funeral just seems like an interesting enough conceit that it should tie in with something ,even if it's just set dressing. There's a few points too where I think your paragraph spacing could arrange ideas a bit more clearly. Specifically, this: quote:[...] Eight of our year were coming up the path towards me. Of those eight, I wanted to speak to exactly one. Lucas, Charlie’s best friend. His death hit Lucas hard. That’s a common and pernicious phrase. You're bringing up an idea at the end of one paragraph and then hopping it over to the next, where I think it'd work better if you did this: quote:[...] Eight of our year were coming up the path towards me. Of those eight, I wanted to speak to exactly one. Lucas, Charlie’s best friend.
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Mar 9, 2017 21:08
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| # ¿ Apr 23, 2024 23:32 |
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