The following is a work of fiction. So is Paradise Lost: Clash of the Heavens. Well, in that case consider this DOUBLE fiction! Trying to glean ANY information about Ur from this mini-adventure whatsoever is unlikely to be successful as the Capybaras have changed uh... rather a lot. Welcome and enjoy! You are Enkidel, son of Jalitha. You turned 16 years old a few days ago. You are a slave. Though you have rarely felt such, you have been raised alongside the Danal, the son of Tudiya, King of Zepath. Though he was once a brat, your moderating influence helped make him something more than that. For years you have learned alongside him in matters sacred, secular and martial. Unfortunately those lessons did not include much in the way of wilderness survival. It would not be time for Danal to learn such for a few more years and since you learned all your lessons alongside him you never had the opportunity. Days ago you were woken in the dead of night and marched out into the middle of nowhere by the King. Stranger still, you were told to pick one item from a variety of strange things and chose your beloved dog, Snarls Barkley. Snarls is a very smart dog, though of course he can't talk to your psychically and is not the size of a bear. He is simply a dog, your beloved pet though he is pretty good at responding to verbal commands.  Tudiya dumped you literally in the middle of nowhere, this place is far hotter and more desolate than most of the countryside. You have no food, no water and no idea how to find either. Perhaps in another cosmos a different Enkidel would easily find all he would need in such a place, alas, you are not him. You are pretty much hosed! You ask Snarls to find some water and he points to some trees atop a hill 2 or 3 days away. Replace "probably hosed" with "very much hosed." You are hosed. You are going to die of thirst out here. To say nothing of your hunger. You are pretty much always hungry, you eat significantly more each day than can reasonably fit inside of a human being. As you make your way to the distant hill you see a man...  ...a older man dying of thirst it seems. Perhaps he is ill? He has food and water, enough supplies for you to make it to the trees! The older man manages to choke out "-a-ater..." His eyes flickering for a moment, then closing. You bow your head for a moment and pray that El will watch over you and Snarls. You pour some of the water into the man's mouth. After a moment, the man, on death's door, grips the gourd with both hands and drinks greedily, the appearance of the man's flesh is changing, liver spots disappearing and wrinkles being replaced with health young flesh. The man throws the gourd away and begins to laugh, the laughter being of the comical, rather than maniacal variety. "Oh, how virtuous!" the man lets out another laugh. The man stands up and brushes dirt off of his robe, he stretches his back and two large sets of wings burst through the back of his robe, which is already changing into another form of garment entirely, one made of a cloth which seems to be woven from gold, silver and gemstones. He grows several feet taller as he stands and may be 13 feet tall.  "Anther one? You didn't even bring a goat! I am an expert on such matters! The highest authority in fact! I will let you know it did not go well at all for the lat one who tried to pull one by on me, not at all! Well, you have a mangey dog, I suppose it will do, I can smell the Sentiment in it. Give me the dog and our transaction will be complete."  "He does not know who I am?" the figure says, looking around. "He says he does not know who I am! The insult, the indignity! EVERYONE knows who I am! Have you taken a blow to your head on the walk out here? You don't look delusional from thirst, yet, but give it a day and you will be well on your way." The figure holds out a hand, a goblet appears in it, he takes a deep drink from it, wine. "Why... why... my feelings are hurt!" He holds a hand over his eyes and gives a pretend sob. You do know who I am, don't you?" You guess, correctly that it is Azzazel! A pretty lucky guess considering the name comes up once in the Old Tales without any context at all, but the figure mentioned a love of goats and so you correctly guessed his name. He tries to buy Snarls from you but you decline... initially. But you are open to striking a deal, but it must be a proper, written contract. "The AUDACITY!" he says "The IMPUDENCE! The unabated NERVE! You have come to my land, mine, mine since the Beginning and think to haggle with ME! And you would put it into clay as if I would break my bond like some mud dwelling manimal! RIDICULOUS! PREPOSTEROUS!" Azzazel sighs "Fine, fine fine fine" He reaches down with one hand into the ground and pulls up a wad of clay, he raises a hand up and throws it back onto the ground, it sprouts up like a strange and quickly growing plant and grows into a table made of a bizarre white and gray stone like material with the texture of tree bark, a chair fit for an occupant 13 feet tall appears on his side, he sits and a tablet sprouts from the surface of the table, as well as a clay stylus. The strange material of which the table is made is impossible to mistake, the structure you found in the forest five years ago was built of it as well. A chair is on your side, of more man sized proportions, though you would have to scramble up the chair to get to it, it looks rather like a very tall stool. Snarls has moved behind you, his tail tucked between his legs and his head down. "We will make a contract of it then" Azzazel says, looking down on you from his side of the table. "I have claimed this place and it is mine. Even if I do not send away the waters, plants and the beasts of the field, you will probably die anyway, so sad, so tragic. Yet I am here, a great and generous soul, to rescue poor schlubs like you! Give me the dog and I will dine and feast you till you make your away from the wilds, you will have the finest food and drink and the Xephanim will sing you praises. Give me the dog and all of this shall be yours." You think about this for a long moment and look to Snarls...  ...then you look to Azzazel and say "Its a deal." Snarls wine softly, his very core rocked to the depths by your betrayal. But he is only a dog and without Azzazel's help both you and Snarls will be dead soon. Azzazel's grinning expressions says "Ah, a shame, I suppose-" then he pauses and says "Wait, what? Did you say yes?" Yes you did. "You are giving me the dog?" Yup. Azzazel pauses for a long moment, visible surprise on his face, then says "Well of course you did! The wisest decision you have ever made!" Azzazel looks to his left and speaking to the open air briefly whispers "Uh, I think you sent me the wrong one? Whatever! Hes mine now!" He looks back towards you, a devilish grin and amusement within his eyes. Azzazel says "For a month you shall dine, feast and enjoy all delights you may desire in the Palace of Pleasure. A rare treat Creature! I shall even send you off with a fine tithe to El-" Azzazel snickers "-which should impress your city plenty!" The fantastically dressed winged giant waves a hand and rocks rise from the ground, becoming bricks and knitting themselves into an archway, a strange light glowing from within.  Azzazel beckons you to enter. You feel a sharp pain from your hand as Snarls bites it as hard as he can and tries to pull you away from it! BAD-SMELLER! BAD-SMELLER!!!! WHAT!? That felt WEIRD! It was like... it was like like someone was talking in your head for a moment! El be good that was WEIRD! Nothing like that has ever happened to you before. Almost like Snarls was talking to you? But that is crazy, Snarls is just a dog. With a grin Azzazel says "Shush, you." He waves his hand Snarls falls over, asleep. "The Palace of Pleasure awaits you Creature, enjoy your stay." Azzazel says. You feel giddy, nothing is wrong is wrong at all... You step though the arch...  You feel a deep sense of disorientation...   You open your eyes to see...  You are in a very, very different place. In front of you is an enormous, fantastical structure hundreds, thousands of feet tall and which look like it must cover many, many miles. It shimmers brilliantly and looks to be made of solid gold. Above you, in the left side of the sky you see five suns in the sky, each of which has a face upon it, half laughing and half crying. On the right side of the sky you see five moons with faces upon them, half laughing and half crying. The sky, indeed the horizon is split between day and night with the dividing line seeming to run right down the center of the enormous structure in front of you. Daytime is on the left and night on the right. You look down to see you are standing in a field of resplendent flowers of every color you know of and many you did not. On the left of you, you see a great many goats frolicking and playing. On the right, you see goats sleeping and performing unspeakable carnal acts on each other which, strictly speaking, should not be possible without hands. That does not seem to have stopped them. You, who has no experience in such matters blush and look away. The air smells like the spray of the sea and seaweed cakes, it smells FANTASTIC! In fact, right in front of you is a large platter of seaweed cakes and you dig in right away. For the first time you can remember... your hunger is satiated. You walk towards the massive structure in front of you, which is quite a ways in the distance. As you approach you see many sentries guarding the tops of the walls wearing armor made of resplendent rubies and gold. They are not human. The furry-wings each have on their backs is a dead give away as is the goat horns on their heads...  You have never heard the word "Satyr" before but that is what the creatures look like, albeit with furry wings. According to your education winged humanoids are probably Melachim and some of them have animal-like-parts but something about this entire place is... a little strange. It does not match any description of Paradise from the Old Tales. Those satyrs on the left in the sunlight are smiling, those on the right in the night, scowling. As you approach many hundreds of the guards on the walls lift their horns and let lose a great and BEAUTIFUL blast! A resplendent chorus, a symphony unlike any ever heard in the mortal world! It makes your mind soar, your heart race and gives you certain other very uh, intense feelings. A winged satyr near the front yells in a great voice "OPEN THE GATES! Now announcing our MOST HONORED guest! Og, Spawn of Asherah! Open the gates to the Palace!" As you reach the gates the hundreds of winged-satyr guards beside it prostrate themselves on the dirt before you! Except for one, a satyr near twelve feet tall and two sets of beautiful, fuzzy wings on its back. Unlike the other satyrs this one is not wearing armor, instead it is wearing a fantastical garment which seems to be made of threads made of emeralds, rubies, sapphires, gold, silver and platinum woven together.  The clothed-winged-styr places his hands together and bows his head to you, then spreads his arms wide and says "Welcome Og to the Palace of the Prince of Pleasure! His Royal Excessiveness has ordered that every courtesy be extended to you, your every desire satisfied, your every whim made manifest! We are truly honored to have one of your exalted lineage among us! Thats uh... that has got to be a first, yeah! I am Asbeel, the most beloved servant of His Grand Exuberance but for your stay, I am to be your body servant, escort, guide and confidant. Enter and be at ease! All are to enjoy themselves, the Prince commands it"  The massive gates, hundreds, thousands of feet high open and you see within a beautiful garden filled fantastical buildings which defy your every experience and a great many satyrs all over the place. Those on the left in the sunlight are frolicking, feasting before tables stacked with every food you know and many you do not, singing, laughing, dancing, playing sports, gambling, wresting. On the right in the shadow you see a great many satyrs... fornicating with each other, committing every carnal act you can think of and many you have not. You see other satyrs in chains or on racks being flayed alive, burned, chopped to pieces and tortured in every way you can imagine. Many of them are also the subject of unspeakable carnal acts. Asbeel looks to you with a grin and asks "Where would you like go first, Most Honored Guest?" 1. Asbeel lays out many options for you.... A. Asbeel motions to the left and says "May I suggest a trip to the Hall of a Thousand Plates? Within are every food which can be imagined in endless quantities! You may eat and eat of it and never be full, always leaving room for a new delight! Only the finest Mana for the guests of the Prince of Pleasure!" B. Asbeel gestures to the right and says "Or perhaps you have a warrior's spirit and wish to see the Field of Eternal Battles? Fight and fight to your heart's content and know no pain! At the conclusion of the battle should you fall, you shall rise again!" C. Asbeel gestures to the left and says "Or perhaps you wish to line your pockets at the Grand Treasury, within which are filled countless precious, priceless things of gold and silver, the wealth of a thousand, thousand kings to delight upon! Within it you will surely find a worthy-" Asbeel actually snickers "-offering for the end of your quest!" D. Asbeel gestures to the right and says "The Halls of Lust are always quite popular. Now I know you don't have much... experience but worry not, we have many teachers who shall go at precisely the speed you desire!" E. Asbeel motions to the right and says "Perhaps the Grand Colloseum? Xephanim shall fight for your pleasure against each other and every living thing beneath the sky for your amusement! Decide which shall live and which shall die!" F. Asbeel motions to the left and says "The Gardens of Spite perhaps? Those who have displeased you shall appear and all implements of torture you could desire shall be provided. None shall die unless you wish it and of course, they can always be brought back! G. Asbeel motions to the left and says "The Great Mirror-Hold is always a popular one! Enter and those within shall tell you all the things you desire to hear, marvel at your own greatness!" H. Asbeel holds his arms wide open and says "These are only a few of the more... popular options. Every delight, every pleasure, every thing which could be desired awaits you within the Palace of the Prince of Pleasure! If you desire something else, you need only speak it and you shall have it!" 1. Slaan. 2. Dog Kisser. 3. White Noise Marine. 4. BoyG. 5. Southpaugh. 6. HiHo ChiRho. 7. There Bias Two. 8. Fox Terrier(*). 9. Bone Monkey. 10. Task Manager(*). 11. Coq au Nandos. 12. Cheap Trick souvenirs. Please bold your votes. Anyone can suggest questions to be asked by the Voters. If you want to spend the entire game grilling pretend-Ur-NPCs every mystery in the history of Paradise Lost the Capybaras are going to eat a gun after they finish answering the fiftieth question with probably-fake answers. Normal Paradise Lost questions and rules apply. For people reading this and wondering what the hell is going on, this is a mini-spin-off game from Paradise-Lost, Clash of the Heavens! And to repeat, trying to glean ANY information about Ur from this mini-adventure whatsoever is unlikely to be successful as the Capybaras have changed uh... rather a lot. ...or have they? What do you REALLY know about Azzazel? If you want to, feel free to join us on irc #madgod on synirc.net. The channel tends to always have some people in it and is especially active when updates go up. If you do not know what IRC is, here is a web based chat version which will not require you to register or download anything: http://chat.mibbit.com/ ...and somewhere a very, very old man lets out a small sob of grief. Diogines fucked around with this message at 07:33 on Dec 17, 2016 |
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Dec 17, 2016 06:09
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Oh is this what people voted for. I thought they voted to join Azazel instead of being buried in the mountain or castrated. How could you sacred voters vote to trade away Snarls. You monsters.
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Dec 17, 2016 06:19
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edit: changed my mind in light of the deluge of questions C
Dog Kisser fucked around with this message at 07:21 on Dec 17, 2016 |
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Dec 17, 2016 06:21
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The only correct answer here is the Halls of Lust, clearly. Og needs to learn to be a man in the most
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Dec 17, 2016 06:22
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To the Hall of Lust, we should try to make this the bluest adventure ever!
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Dec 17, 2016 06:23
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And to be clear, no actual on-screen hanky-panky can or will occur. Such things will occur off screen, if they happen.
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Dec 17, 2016 06:23
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quote:H. Asbeel holds his arms wide open and says "These are only a few of the more... popular options. Every delight, every pleasure, every thing which could be desired awaits you within the Palace of the Prince of Pleasure! If you desire something else, you need only speak it and you shall have it!" Any vote that isn't for getting Snarls back is a wrong vote. 
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Dec 17, 2016 06:23
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H. Asbeel old mate, take us to... the HALL OF ANSWERS! You see, we have something of an embarrassment of riches, question-wise.
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Dec 17, 2016 06:25
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Diogines posted:And to be clear, no actual on-screen hanky-panky can or will occur. Such things will occur off screen, if they happen. What about slap and tickle?
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Dec 17, 2016 06:26
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Coq au Nandos posted:H. Asbeel old mate, take us to... the HALL OF ANSWERS! When you inquire about the Hall of Answers he grins wide and motions to the right, in the land of eternal night, at a large structure which is seemingly half demolished.  Asbeel grins wide and says "Ah... knowledge. Is there a greater aphrodisiac? If that is your desire, every question you may wish to learn, a pleasant answer lay within!" Voting remains open, Asbeel simply comments. Diogines fucked around with this message at 08:21 on Dec 17, 2016 |
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Dec 17, 2016 06:28
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IRC posted:00:31:15 | <Olothreutes> Diog, does alt-azz still call himself the tester?
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Dec 17, 2016 06:31
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Diogines posted:When you inquire about the Hall of Answers he grins wide and motions to the right, in the land of eternal night, at a large structure which is seemingly half demolished. Yesssssssssssss
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Dec 17, 2016 06:32
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You chosen ones need to vote to get Jael in here and party with that guy. He seems to be under a lot of stress for some reason and he should get a chance to let loose once in a while. Sure he'll probably get in loads of trouble but that's part of the fun!
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Dec 17, 2016 06:32
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So uh, what is a spawn of Asherah?
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Dec 17, 2016 06:33
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I thought Azz had offered to let us party with him after Eyescream and that was the deal we were What If'ing? Poor Alt-Snarls =(
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Dec 17, 2016 06:34
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Hellsau posted:You chosen ones need to vote to get Jael in here and party with that guy. He seems to be under a lot of stress for some reason and he should get a chance to let loose once in a while. Sure he'll probably get in loads of trouble but that's part of the fun! Enkidel did not meet Jael for decades until after this.
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Dec 17, 2016 06:34
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Diogines posted:IRC Awesome. Lucifer considers himself to be the tester of men in the bible, just so everyone is aware.
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Dec 17, 2016 06:35
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the_steve posted:I thought Azz had offered to let us party with him after Eyescream and that was the deal we were What If'ing? When you first met him he offered to feast you at his home for a month and send you back to Zepath with trophy, letting you escape your trial utterly!
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Dec 17, 2016 06:36
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Diogines posted:Enkidel did not meet Jael for decades until after this. That makes it even better then. Jael won't even know what hit 'em!
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Dec 17, 2016 06:37
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SerSpook posted:So uh, what is a spawn of Asherah?
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Dec 17, 2016 06:38
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What is the Great Chained Lord? If he's Chained, how is babby formed?
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Dec 17, 2016 06:38
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The deal was that I would be given anything I desired. So I can have anything I want? Anything? Because I don't trust you and I want your head on a silver platter. And I want my dog back. I mean I can't vote, but I want to see his response.
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Dec 17, 2016 06:39
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SerSpook posted:What is the Great Chained Lord? Asbeel says "The Destroyer Who Slumbers Beneath the Waves?"
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Dec 17, 2016 06:39
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Tell me about the Prince of Pleasure. Is he a Melachim, or something else? Where is this place? Tell me about your people, Asbeel. Where did they come from?
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Dec 17, 2016 06:40
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Outrail posted:The deal was that I would be given anything I desired. So I can have anything I want? Anything? You ask if you can have your dog back. Asbeel grins wide, not a hint of malevolence in his good natured eyes, no no no, only honest mirth and good cheer! Asbeel says "Every thing you may desire lay within the Palace of the Prince of Pleasures... except for that one. The Prince has a strict "no refund" policy.
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Dec 17, 2016 06:41
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What is your favorite food?
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Dec 17, 2016 06:41
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Also: ask why we don't poop.
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Dec 17, 2016 06:41
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what about your head? I bet we could spend a solid month asking him questions and reuse to take any of the options. See if he snaps.
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Dec 17, 2016 06:42
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What is Asherah? Why is he Chained? Why is he a Destroyer? How Hungry is He? What are demons?
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Dec 17, 2016 06:44
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Lord Cyrahzax posted:Tell me about the Prince of Pleasure. Is he a Melachim, or something else? Lord Cyrahzax posted:Where is this place? Lord Cyrahzax posted:Tell me about your people, Asbeel. Where did they come from?
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Dec 17, 2016 06:44
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Dog Kisser posted:Also: ask why we don't poop.
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Dec 17, 2016 06:45
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Diogines posted:Enkidel still poops at this point in time. Why are we so Hungry all the time? e: What is El? e2: What is a Xephanim?
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Dec 17, 2016 06:45
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SerSpook posted:What is your favorite food? Asbeel places a finger on his mouth, thinks for a long moment and then says "Long pig? Yes. That I think. And it comes in so many varieties!" Outrail posted:what about your head? SerSpook posted:What is Asherah? Why is he Chained? Why is he a Destroyer? How Hungry is He? SerSpook posted:What are demons?
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Dec 17, 2016 06:49
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Diogines posted:Asbeel says "The Destroyer Who Slumbers Beneath the Waves?" Can I see it? Who is my other parent?
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Dec 17, 2016 06:49
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SerSpook posted:Why are we so Hungry all the time? SerSpook posted:e: What is El? SerSpook posted:e2: What is a Xephanim?
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Dec 17, 2016 06:51
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How is the Great Chained Lord a woman, shouldn't it be Great Chained Lady?
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Dec 17, 2016 06:52
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Who is "His Great-Stick-Up-Assed-Ness"? Where can we try a bit of human?
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Dec 17, 2016 06:52
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Olothreutes posted:Can I see it[Asherah]? Olothreutes posted:Who is my other parent?
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Dec 17, 2016 06:53
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Diogines posted:Asbeel says "We are the Xephanim of His Holy Excess, his servants and children. We sprung forth from his loins, crafted from clay and jism. We frolic forever within these most holy walls!" Lol we found out what Asahel is Why did the 10 posters trade our dog and not accept Azz's invitation to party after Eyescream?
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Dec 17, 2016 06:54
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What about Jalitha?
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Dec 17, 2016 06:54
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