Basic Chunnel posted:

rare Magic card l00k posted:

Junpei Hyde posted:

The bird segment got an A.

Sanguinia posted:

Easy E and the Stinger still got it. Dub-C-Dub, Dub-C-Dub, Dub-C-Dub!

Junpei Hyde posted:

The bird segment got an A.

quote:

Santino and Zack Ryder teamed up against some local guys and had a fun comedy match to warm up the crowd.

The video package from RAW for Richie Steamboat played again

Santino and Zack Ryder were backstage when the Bellas walked up. They cornered Santino and started asking him questions about his Cobra, to which he answered honestly, completely missing the innuendo. Zack kept trying to interject but the Bellas eventually gave up and walked away while Santino looked on in confusion, earning an "ARE YOU SERIOUS BRO?" from Ryder.

Jack Swagger beat Alex Riley in a ten minute bout. About as good as an Alex Riley match can get.

Junpei Hyde posted:

The bird segment got an A.

IcePhoenix posted:

Here's RAW's half of SuuuuUUUUUUperstars

quote:

Ezekiel Jackson goes over a local talent with a torture rack.

***

A MITB recap video plays, narrated by Josh Matthews. Starts with footage of Daniel Bryan in nxt and all the humiliating challenges he faced there. Josh emphasises the begginings of Bryan in the WWE and how he has always had a chip on his shoulder. Next we see the nxt invasion and the firing of Bryan because he was "too violent". Bryan's MITB win is presented as a second chance to make history.

***

Hunico goes over a local talent with an impressive deadlift powerbomb.

***

AJ Lee vs. Tamina Snuka. Lee goes over with a shining wizard.

***

Finally, we get a video recap of Christian and Randy Orton's feud so far, casting Orton as elentless avenger and Christian as treacherous manipulator.

Junpei Hyde posted:

The bird segment got an A.

IcePhoenix posted:

But what about the butt segment

Sanguinia posted:

We're still doing internet content for bonus money, right?

DoctorGonzo posted:

drat, TNA gota a nice roster.

SyntheticPolygon posted:

I wonder which one will be the Bird?

quote:

Welcome to WWE.com's new Raw-exclusive interview series, Bottom Line! Uncut info strait from the Superstars! I'm your host, Scott Stanford. My first guest is the Master of the 619, Rey Mysterio! Thank you for joining me Rey.

Glad to be here, Scott.

Rey, is it fair to say Money In The Bank was a major disappointment? Coming within inches of winning that contract, and losing it because you were unmasked in front of a live Pay Per View audience and a sold-out arena, it must sting.

Well, obviously the Money In The Bank loss was a blow for me. Putting the contract itself aside, its one of the most challenging matches WWE has to offer, and by winning it you join a very elite list of Superstars. Most WWE fans don't know this, but my first match was in 1989. I'm a 22-year veteran! When you've been an athlete long enough, certain accomplishments in your field beyond Championships have special meaning for you, like Pro Bowls for a football player or the Ryder Cup team for a golfer. To be listed among Money In The Bank winners would have been a big one for me.

Losing that chance because I was unmasked and worse, being unmasked by Alberto Del Rio... You have to understand, Alberto is Lucha Libre ROYALTY. His father Dos Caras, and his uncle Mil Mascaras, they're names that mean to Mexico what Hart means to Canada, or Hogan to the US. Taking off my mask the way he did wasn't just cheating, it was a betrayal of more than a century of tradition that we both swore to uphold. He didn't just spit on me, he spat on his culture, his family and HIMSELF. When I get my hands on Del Rio, he's going to have a LOT to answer for.

Well, the good news is you will get your hands on Del Rio soon. In two weeks, on Raw, you will face him in the second round of the WWE Championship Tournament. You must be ecstatic to have this opportunity.

'Ecstatic,' isn't exactly the word I would use.

Why is that?

Because I'd much rather be fighting for the REAL WWE Championship.

Umm... I'm not sure what you...

Stanford, come on man. You're not going to play Vince's game are you? The WWE Title is NOT vacant. It's probably sitting next to him on his couch in Chicago while he has a good laugh at our boss trying to deny reality.

Rey, I'm not here to talk to you about that. You know how Mr. McMahon is, he could-

He could what? Fire me? Like I don't expect it. He's already chased every other guy who might stand up to him off Raw. They're all on Smackdown or out of the company because of him. Big Show's the only other veteran left, and with that ankle injury... Look, I've spent a lot of years keeping my head low. Believe me, Vince loves saying how easy that is for me. But if I'm the only one left, I'm going to say what needs to be said: CM Punk IS the WWE Champion.

Punk, I'm sure you're reading this interview, so I'm going to make something clear to you and everyone else: I'm in this tournament, and intend to win it. For the sake of the locker room, and the fans, I will defend Vince's title against all comers. I will use my skill, my body, and the reputation I've earned to make that title meaningful. There's talent in the back who've worked hard to get to WWE, and I'm not going to let their dreams die. They need something to fight for, just like the kids who touch my mask need something to cheer for. I'm going to give it to them.

But I will never call that title the WWE Championship. It is NOT. You have the WWE Championship, Punk. You have it because you are what you always said: The Best In The World.

You and me, Punk, we have history. I'll never forget beating your Strait Edge Society. I also won't forget that one month ago, at Capital Punishment, you beat me clean. You've become a man worthy of my respect. Despite being "marketable," and a merchandise mover, I understand you. I know better than almost anyone what its like claw for what others are gifted. I know talent and guts are often secondary concerns in the Land Of The Giants.

Whatever title Vince says I have once this tournament is done, its something that I'll earn, just like you did, by beating the best this company had to offer. When and if you return, I'll have shown the world that I'm the best in this company, and you'll know I'm the right man to fight you for your Championship. On that day, Punk, I'll become the WWE Champion... for the first time.

Uh... we're out of time. Thank you Rey Mysterio. Tune in next time for another hard-hitting interview. Assuming there's going to be a next time.

quote:

Hey Wrestling Fans this is the TNA Today Blog written by yours truly, Jeremy D. Borash. I’ve been here in the hospital room of the comatose Eric Bischoff for a week. I convinced one of the nurses I’m his son and I’ve been hiding out in the room living off of vending machine sandwiches. Why am I doing this? Because when I got out of college I said I’d do anything to get ahead in life, and I’m going to do that by being the first face the boss sees when he wakes up! He’ll never forget my face, and I can finally get that promotion to Ringside and afford real cafeteria food instead of these awful sandwiches. Anyways, that’s enough about my career goals!

Do you know who is under the Steiner mask? Who has had beef with Immortal? That’s a dumb question, who hasn’t had beef with Immortal? Sting, Beer Money, Kazarian, Daniels, Van Dam, Le Brian Kendrick, the list of people with motive goes on and on. We’ll see if more evidence pops up in the coming weeks.
Just this week I briefly ran into AJ Styles who, returning from vacation said he had a both a very “relaxing” and “transformative” experience. He was awfully in a hurry, and something about him definitely seemed….different…

It is crazy backstage as we have a slew of new faces, some really amazing workers from all over the world have come here to TNA to test their mettle in the Impact Zone. We even have another Olympian! Speaking of Olympian, Kurt Angle is injured and will be needing a few months to recover. We wish him the best and a speedy recovery. We love you Kurt!

Well, that’s enough big news for now. Oh! Eric is moving! Finally! This may be my chance!

Ugh, he didn’t wake up. I could have sworn I heard something, although he could have just been breathing really hard. I swear though, I heard him whisper something about “violins”. Weird.

Prograps Unlimited Message Board, "current events and speculation" thread, 7/28/11 posted:

I know some of you guys are sick of my theorizing, fantasy booking, etc but I'm telling you this time I think I really found something. I go to the front page of WWE.com, right? And on top there is a repost of a video from the Draft in April, a video interview there with Mark Henry re: his move to Smackdown and his desire to be champion.

Not that surprising, right? Henry's matched up with Cena for SS. But because I code for a living, I decide to check the article's source, see how they handle their SEO, and there in the tags for the video are the words "a-long-shadow". Pretty weird, right? It gets weirder. First result of that phrase in google is https://a-long-shadow.net. I checked the domain, it was bought out by WWE in March. Currently the page is blank, except for one image, centered and justified:



It doesn't stop there. I checked archive.org, this is the page as it was on April 25, the night of the draft:


It changed again the Wednesday after MITB:


Whoever's playing the game, they've been doing so for awhile now

Basic Chunnel posted:

NewJack420 posted:

u dumbass white put their own king in check where th gently caress u learn 2 play chess

-----
OG ECW FAN 4 LIFE - gently caress WWE gently caress WWECW

Basic Chunnel posted:

DoctorGonzo posted:

What was Rovert doing in 2011!?!?

Also i hope someone from the knockouts, knockouuts Bishoff. Knockout.

quote:

Yes sir, we promised you a great - Gorgeous George - Freddie Blasie, The Maker of - ANDRE! THE GIANT! - WRESTLEMANIA! - Everyone has a price! - Well, Ladies and Gentlemen, it is electric - IF YA SMELLLLL - YOU'RE! FIRED! - Gimmie a 'Hell yeah!' (Hell Yeah!) - *Gong* - THE CHAMP! IS HERE!

***

Michael Cole voices over a recap of recent events. "Last week was a historic week for the WWE. A history which has been rewritten by The Chairman." A shot of the Money In The Bank logo is wiped out with a screen which reads FOOTAGE REDACTED, text which appears several times as we see images of Vince speaking. 'Last night never. Even. Happened.' '-erased from WWE history!' 'JOHN CENA! IS! FIIIIIIRED!'

Cole continues: "An 8-man tournament will crown a new champion." Highlights from last week's matches showcase Alberto Del Rio and Rey Mysterio's victories, plus the mysterious meeting between Mr. Money In The Bank and John Laurinaitis. "Tonight, two more men will take the next step toward the top of the mountain!" Clips from the promos of Dolph Ziggler, Justin Gabriel, The Miz and John Morrison play in quick succession. " With Summerslam only three weeks away, who will advance? We'll find out tonight, on the world's longest-running weekly episodic television program: Monday Night Raw!"

***

Our opening match is a Triple-Threat Tornado Tag Match for #1 Contendership to the WWE Tag Team Titles! Air Boom vs Santino Marella & Zach Ryder vs R-Truth & Jack Swagger! The Tag Champs, McGillicuty and Otunga, are on commentary with the lawyer doing most of the talking. With four people on commentary, it goes about as well as you'd think.

The match starts with and keeps an accelerated pace for nearly all of its runtime, with all six men in the match getting their turn to shine. King mentions that Ryder is an internet sensation who has a die-hard and growing following among WWE's online fans, and this contendership opportunity is only his third match on Raw in his entire career! Cole probes the champs over their opinions of the three teams, and Otunga brushes off Ryder/Santino and R-Truth/Swagger ever posing a threat to them. However, when the subject turns to Air Boom, Otunga is uncharacteristically silent and McGillicutty fumbles over his own words trying to save face for his partner.

As Air Boom becomes the subject of conversation, Evan Bourne takes control of the match, besting R-Truth with a flurry of kicks and a springboard crossbody. As Bourne leaps to the top turnbuckle looking to finish Truth, McGillicutty stops talking and bolts from the commentary desk, pushing Evan from the top before he can hit the Air Bourne! King is as outraged as the ref as Michael walks back to commentary like nothing happened, but Cole reminds us that under Triple Threat rules there are No Disqualifications! R-Truth kips up and puts a couple stomps to the downed Bourne, then drags his limp body over to Swagger for a tag. The two heels doubleteam Bourne until Evan pulls out a desperation double flying clothesline! With the two heels down Evan tries to tag in Kingston, but as he's fingertips away from a tag Otunga appears behind Kofi and throws his feet out from beneath him before savagely beating him! Swagger recovers and slaps on the Ankle Lock!

Desperate not to submit and lose the match, Bourne tags out to Santino! Content with their handiwork, the champs scamper to the back cackling as Swagger charges a confused Santino... but Santino dodges with his signature splits! Swagger collides with the corner and Ryder intercepts R-Truth with the Rough Ryder, allowing his partner to go for a familiar sock! Swagger stumbles backwards and as soon as he turns around – COBRA!!! 1, 2, 3! Santino Marella and Zack Ryder are your #1 Contenders to the Tag Titles.

***

The camera focuses on the announce desk, where Cole and Jerry "The King," Lawler introduce themselves. "What a way to start off Monday Night Raw! But before our next match, let's take an inside look at an up-and-coming superstar with a huge legacy to live up to."

This segways into another hype video for Richie Steamboat, this time focusing on his training down in FCW. We see clips of him taking direction from various WWE trainers, pushing through physical training and running through moves. Interspersed are clips from an interview with his legendary father. "He's wrestled in Japan, Puerto Rico, Europe, and he brings all that experience home to Florida Championship Wrestling. Combine that practical experience with a lifetime of soaking of knowledge, from me and every guy who I ever shared a locker room with, and you're looking at somebody on an entirely different level from a usual rookie. And on top of that, he's got what you can't teach: heart. The heart of a dragon!" Richie Steamboat: Coming soon to Monday Night Raw.

***

John Laurinaitis is backstage on his phone, when from off-camera we hear a familiar "Holla Holla, playa!" It's Smackdown GM Teddy Long! They greet each other and John asks Teddy why he's on RAW. "Listen up playa, I've been watching the 'Divas Division' and how you've handled it, and I gotta say, Raw has been runnin' those poor ladies into the ground, you feel me? So I'm here to issue a challenge. At Summer Slam, one of the WOMEN of Smackdown will take on your Diva's champion, and the winner gets the entire division!"

Laurinaitis laughed at Teddy, "Teddy, As VP of Talent Relations, I accept your challenge. Saving the Divas stuck on SmackDown from a future of pointless tag matches is an Ace Decision, 'playa.' You're sorely underestimating the abilities of our champion if you think you can pull this off. In fact, why don't you watch what she's capable of right now?" He gestures to a nearby screen.

***

Kelly Kelly "wrestles" Eve Torres. I say "wrestles" because I'm not sure anything they do can be considered actual wrestling. The only point proven seems to be Teddy Long's as Kelly showcased exactly 'what she's capable of.' The Champ thankfully wins after a few minutes with the K2, which seems to miss its target completely. The crowd pays about as much attention to this as Lawler and Cole, which is to say they spend the whole affair talking about WWE.Com until Cole tries to stop Jerry from mentioning an interview with Rey Mysterio and it descends into meaningless bickering.

***

Backstage, The Usos are seen loading up plates at the buffett table in catering. They're deciding between a plate of sandwiches and a plate of wraps when The Bella Twins arrive. Nikki gets close and rubs up on one of them. "Hey boys! Jimmy, right?" "Naw, uce over there's Jimmy. I'm Jey. 'Sup gurl?"

Nikki bites her lip and Brie angrily waves her over so they can whisper to each other. As they do, the brothers seem to have a change of heart on which they want and swap places between the Sandwich and Wrap plates. Unaware, Brie snuggles back up to he re-positioned Jey "We're looking for some real men, Jimmy. Real men who can give us what we need!" "Yo, I'm Jimmy, gurl. He's Jey!" Brie throws her arms up. "Whatever! There's two of you and two of us. Can you do the math or do we need to... spell it out for you?"

Jimmy and Jey laughed. "Ladies, not that you both ain't fiiiine but, uh-" "We taken. Got me a long-term honey, and Uce over there already has two kids." "Sides, if I'm being strait wit you, twins dating twins is kinda..." "Gross?" "Yeah, uce, that's the word I was looking for. Gross." The Usos shove off with their food, and Nikki and Brie let out identical groans of anger before speaking in unison: "Where are we gonna get a REAL MAN?"

***

After commercial, KAH NEE TEY! The Usos vs Reks and Hawkins! The heels were already in the ring as the Usos do their haka. Pretty standard Tag fare where Cole worries that the Usos just ate and might be sick doing all their signature air attacks. In the end Hawkins eats a double superkick and Jey pins him with a Samoan Splash for the 1, 2, 3.

***

Backstage Jack Swagger is icing his joints when Drew McIntyre walks by. The Chosen One says it was a crime an All-American like Swagger wasn't in the Championship Tournament, and an even bigger crime that he lost that tag title shot tonight to a joke like Santino. "And on top of that, Rey Mysterio gets a fluke victory to knock me out of that same tournament. I tell you Jack-o, there's a lot of bugs in WWE, and ever since that debacle at Money In the Bank they're gettin' ideas above their station."

Swagger replies "The only way to handle bugs is to squash them every time you see them." Drew agrees, and says he'll start tonight.

***

Drew McIntyre vs A Local Athlete! Tonight's victim is a real goober with some awful tattoos (Cole says an Offspring tattoo has to be up there on the "things you'll regret when you get older" list, while King questions what an Offspring is). The bell rings and Nameless puts up his hands like a guy who's trying to box but only knows how from watching it on TV. McIntyre looks at him and just laughs before leveling him with a kick to the...uh, lower jaw? McIntyre throws him around the ring for a few minutes before mercifully planting him with a Future Shock DDT for the win. Whether from the new attitude or his opponent looking so compleyely dominated, Drew looks like a star.

***

Alberto Del Rio is announced in Spanish by Ricardo Rodriguez and drives out in a 1960 Roles Royce Silver Cloud II, valued at over $90,000!



He's not here to fight, but to brag. "MY NAME IS ALBERTO DEL RIO! But you already knew that. You also know, that I am Mister Money in the Bank! What you might not know is that last week, I didn't just advance to the Second Round of the WWE Championship Tournament. I put the Big Show in the hospital! Your beloved giant was NOTHING before the Destiny of Alberto Del Rio! If he couldn't stop me, if I could beat that monstruo so badly that he couldn't even stand in this ring one week after I kicked him in his fat face, then NOBODY CAN DEFEAT ALBERTO DEL RIO! I'm going to be the first man in WWE to win the Championship without cashing in Money In The Bank. And when I have both... I will be invincible!" He starts to ramble in Spanish... but he doesn't rant long!

BOOYAKA! Rey Mysterio hits the ramp and stalks to the ring! "Alberto, you kiss your mother with that mouth? This show is PG man." Alberto rolls his eyes, and asks what the 'little man,' is doing out here. "Why don't you shut your mouth before this 'little man,' shows you he's not too short to put his boot through your teeth, cabron!" Del Rio seems almost aghast at this level of aggression, and is stunned into silence. "I came out here to give you a little veteran advice. You've spent your whole career getting your boots licked in Mexico because of who your daddy is. That's OVER now. I'll give you your props. You won the Royal Rumble. You can tell people that you were the man who retired Edge. But the only reason you've got that case is because you threw your honor in the garbage by taking off my mask. I will NEVER forget that, and I'm going to make you pay for it. So if you're looking past next week on Raw? If you're looking past Rey Mysterio? I might just put you in the bed right next to Big Show." This rant gets Alberto hot and he looms over Rey, but the seasoned warrior doesn't give an inch as they stare down. King worries this might explode at any moment...

But there's NO CHANCE IN HELL of that! Mr. McMahon appears on the ramp! The crowd immediately boos and there are scattered Punk chants. "Well, I'll be a son of a gun! I'm so glad to see you two are this fired up and ready! HOW BOUT THESE TWO, HUH? COME ON! This is exactly why I'm holding this tournament, to push all the competitors to this level of intensity! I know you've BOTH got what it takes to be the face of MY company, but unfortunately only one of you can go on to Summerslam for a shot to win the prestigious WWE Championsh-!"

"Shut up, Vince!" Rey cuts The Chairman off mid-stream! Its hard to say if Vince or Del Rio is more shocked. "Do you really think anyone is buying this little scam of yours? Do you really think that if you just hold your breath long enough people will give in to this tantrum?"

Vince forces a smile. "Rey... you and me have been doing business for almost ten years now. We've made a lot of money together, selling those little masks of yours. So I think you know that you're in very choppy waters right now. I'm going to give you the chance, right now, to BACK. OFF. Before you say something you're going to regret."

Rey shakes his head "I'm not one of your little puppets Vince. I never have been. No matter how much money I made FOR MYSELF making kids believe in this mask, I'm not going to throw away my honor by playing your sick little games. And guess what Vince? I'm not the only one. Most of the others won't say it, but like you said, we've known each other ten years. So here's your veteran advice for the night: Nobody in this company is going to forget Money In The Bank no matter how hard you try. And after Summerslam? After I win this tournament? I'll be the best in this company. I'll have earned THAT title. And then there's only going to be one guy people call The REAL WWE Champion." The crowd loses it as Rey holds up his mic to them, and they belt out CM PUNK, CM PUNK, CM PUNK. Vince's face is bright red and he's practically frothing at the mouth as Rey's music plays. Alberto simply pats his briefcase.

***

Dolph Ziggler (w/ Vikki Guerrero) vs Justin Gabriel! Before our first WWE Championship tournament bout of the night we enjoy a nice EXCUSE ME introduction from Vikki for the United States Champion, and a reminder from Michael Cole that Justin Gabriel specially requested Dolph as his first round opponent and has vowed to also take his US title sometime in the near future. The match starts with Ziggler putting the upstart flier in his place with hard chops and strikes, even a few of his flashy jumping elbow drops. But Gabriel's agility quickly turns the tide as he sweeps Ziggler's legs out from under him, launching a series of high-impact springboard attacks that force Dolph to recover on the outside. Gabriel gestures for Dolph to bring it to the crowd's delight.

The match goes on for nearly 20 minutes, a true showcase of the two young stars. Dolph counters Gabriel by showing his impressive amateur chops, going to the ground game to slow the tempo, but Gabriel shows his endurance and hits back at every opportunity with a high-risk high-damage maneuver. Both men seem evenly matched as Dolph attempts a Zig Zag but is blocked... only to fire a snap Superkick! But Gabriel has the ambush scouted and goes low, countering with a single-leg takedown and a roll-up! The mat-wrestling attack stuns Ziggler! 1! 2! 3! Gabriel steals one and advances! He celebrates as Dolph rips his United States Championship belt from the referee's hands and shouts "You'll never get this! It's mine! This win doesn't mean anything!"

***

The Shaman of Sexy John Morrison comes to the ring draped in fur to chat up the crowd before the Main Event. "Hi, I'm John Morrison, and I once lost six million Euros betting on underground turtle knife-fights in Singapore. The exchange rate was brutal. Tonight, in a bare handful of minutes, I will face one of my oldest and most dangerous rivals in mortal combat to bring myself one step closer to a prize that represents power, courage and wisdom. But before I can fight Dark Link in Ocarina of Time Remastered, first I have to have a match with The Miz."

"But in all seriousness folks, come join me in the Palace of Wisdom for a second: I've come close to being WWE Champion before, but this time is different. This is a moment where your energy is surging like it hasn't surged in decades. At Money In The Bank, you all witnessed pure defiance, and your passion for WWE is burning white hot! A man like Miz doesn't understand passion. That's why he's gravitated to a woman like Maryse, because he thinks greed and passion are the same thing. But John Morrison can't live without passion. Without real FIRE. And as promised, I brought a little fire with me in my corner. Ladies and Gentlemen, give it up for my muse: Melina Perez!"

Melina comes to the ring and enters it in her... signature fashion, much to Morrison's delight.



The two embrace in a very sensual manner to give the hard camera something nice to look at, but that's cut short when The Miz interrupts, Maryse right on his heels! He's ready to fight and storms the ring!

***

The Main Event! The Miz (w/ Maryse) vs John Morrison (w/ Melina)! This match is exactly what you would expect from the former partners turned rivals. Lots of back and forth and rapid counters show how well these two know each other. Considering how Miz normally looks, his offense has a surprisingly effective and viscious tenor. Any time Morrison tries to bring his agility and flying into the mix, Miz immediately grounds him, culminating in Miz putting Morrison in the corner and going for the Awesome Clothseline! However, Morrison ducks out of the way and Miz crashes into the turnbuckle, crumpling lifeless to the mat!

The tide turns quickly as Morrison goes on a tear off this opening. Despite this being his first match in months, JoMo puts on an impressive display of signature spots, using his parkour skills to fluidly move from mat to springboard as if gravity has no hold on him. With Miz reeling, Morrison sets up for his finisher, but pauses for a moment when Maryse walks over to the corner and starts yelling at him! He seems bemused by the distraction, but it doesn't last long before Melina charges over and flattens the gold-digger with a big lariat!

Morrison leads the audience in a round of applause for his girl, and then jumped from mat to top rope to deliver Starship Pain! But Miz rolled out of the way, causing Morrison to wiff completely! The extra time bought by the ladies' scrap gave Miz just enough time to recover, and with Morrison hurt the Awesome One falls on him like a rabid beast! Skull-Crushing Finale! 1, 2, 3! Miz advances to face Justin Gabriel! Michael Cole goes nuts on commentary as his hero shoves Morrison out of the ring and celebrates with Maryse as the show goes off the air.

***

Overall Rating: B-

Sanguinia posted:

IcePhoenix posted:

That's not PG!

quote:

Hey guys, Jeremy D Borash here! We've got an amazing show for you tonight. It's much better than this miserable existence I lead, subsisting on garbage tier sandwiches in Eric Bischoff's Hotel Room. Without further ado, here's our announce team Mauro Ranallo, Taz, and Mike Tenay!

Hulk Hogan, Scott Steiner, Bully Ray, Abyss, and Jeff Jarrett begin the show in the ring, dressed in black. Hogan announces that due to the vicious and uncalled for attack on Eric Bischoff, Easy E has been hospitalized, and is in a coma. Hogan says that he trusts his friend is tough and will pull through, but until that happens, Hogan will devote his life to avenging his fallen comrade. Hogan says that he knows who the fake Scott Steiner is, The Man In The Steiner Mask, as there's only one man with the gall to do such a thing. And that man is...STING! Hogan demands Sting come out and get his just beating. The lights go out, and when they return, Sting is in the ring, alongside his closest ally, THE BIRD! Sting points his bat at Immortal, daring them to come at him, unless, of course, they want to hear him out. Sting insists that he isn't the fake Scott Steiner, BUT he has a good idea who is. But who could it be? Who, who, who... At this, Bully Ray and Abyss charge, but the lights go out and when they return, Sting is nowhere to be found. Hogan is so angered at continuing to be made a fool that the entire roster will suffer for it. Tonight, every match will be a LOSER LEAVES IMPACT MATCH, and Sting, you're going to be in the Main Event against Samoa Joe!]

A video montage of Eric Bishoff getting beaten up by the likes of Rob Van Dam, Kazarian, and many others plays over a very poorly done cover of Sarah Mclachlan's "I will remember you"

Ink Inc are in the ring, awaiting their opponents, who turn out to be #DEMBOYS THE BRISCOES! Poor Ink Inc. is, for the second straight week, helpless before the aggression of their opponents, and in a surprisingly quick match, Jay pins Shannon Moore off the Jay Driller, and the first victims of the evening are Shannon Moore and Jesse Neal!

Ric Flair is backstage to interview Beer Money, who don't seem worried tonight's stipulation. When asked about they dangers of losing their Impact careers tonight against Mexican America, Roode and Storm point out that they are the TNA Tag Team Champions, and while having this added stipulation sprung on them is bullshit, everyone is in the same boat. If after their confidence last week in being the best they falter at the first hurdle then why should they be here, wasting the fans' valuable time and BEER! MONEY!

Traci Brooks takes on Winter, and try as she might, Traci can't get Winter finished off. Winter, however, can finish off Traci quite easily. Farewell, Miss Brooks.

Hulk Hogan is in Eric Bischoff's office alone, going over financials and "prospect lists". He looks at one page, then shakes his head and says "Far too Swiss." Then, his phone rings, and from Hogan's end of the conversation, it seems that The Man In The Steiner Mask is willing to reveal his identity tonight, but if and only if Hogan comes to the ring later on, alone.

Kid Kash, Matt Morgan, and Jessie Godderz vs. Prince Puma and FUTURE SHOCK BAY BAY. The action is fast and furious as the team of new signees feverishly tags in, and the Aztec Warrior Prince Puma shows off a variety of insanely athletic flips and aerial maneuvers while Future Shock use devastating strikes and tag team maneuvers. Puma hits a 630 senton on Matt Morgan for the pin while Godderz and Kash are held at bay by vicious strikes from Cole and O'Reilly.

An interesting techno theme plays, and out comes the Tango Turkey AJ Styles! He wears a sparkling silver bodysuit with wings, and is accompanied by two unfamiliar boys in masks and sparkly roman style half togas who carry feather fans. They pose at the top of the ramp then come down to the ring for a match against Rob Terry. Styles takes off the bodysuit to reveal pastel trunks and gear. He and Terry go back and forth, and when Styles is knocked into the corner his boys furiously fan him. Styles rebounds and hits the Styles Clash for the win and celebrates with his Boys, posing in the ring.

Ric Flair does an in ring interview with AJ Styles who talks about his vacation on Fire Island and how he has transformed into the Tango Turkey. AJ gently caresses the faces of his boys as Flair stands there perplexed while Impact goes to commercial

Le Brian Kendrick (pronounced Kendreek) is backstage awkwardly flirting with Velvet Sky. "I liked your video last week Velvet it uhh...really....showed off your artistic side." Velvet groans, "I'm married, Brian." Brian shakes his head in disbelief "What? When did this happen? Well, it doesn't matter. I'd treat you better than he ever could!" Austin Aries walks up, laughing at Kendrick's ridiculously lovely game. "Kendrick you loser. Let a real man show you how it's done! None of that stupid beta poo poo. Watch, this is called Kino Escalation." He turns to Velvet and places his hand on her elbow for a couple seconds, "So, Velvet. How about we go back to my hotel room for drinks and listening to some Alex Jones episo..." Before Aries can finish his proposal, a foot comes out of nowhere and catches him square in the face! Aries crumples in a lifeless heap to reveal Io and Mio Shirai standing behind him, alongside Misaki Ohata (who is very cute), and Io kisses Velvet. Velvet glances over at Kendrick "No one can treat me better than my beautiful Io. I'm perfectly happy being her hot Skyjin wife." The four of them step over Aries's motionless body as Kendrick gawks, fedora half falling off his head.

Io and Mio Shirai, Misaki Ohata, and The Hot Skyjin Wife versus Jacqueline, ODB, Rosita, and Sarita. Io and Mio come out like buzzsaws and unleash a flurry of devastating leg and head kicks to Rosita and Sarita. Misaki Ohata ragdolls Jacqueline with a series of german suplexes while Velvet Sky tangles with ODB. The ref finally restores order in the match as Io, Mio, and Misaki dominate the heavily outmatched TNA veterans. Io pins Sarita with a beautiful moonsault.


Beer Money vs. Mexican America for the TNA Tag Team Championships in a Loser Leaves Impact Match. As Hernandez and Anarquia get into the ring Hernandez slips while stepping over the ropes and injures his ankle. The ref comes to check on him and Hernandez indicates he can't compete. The ref looks at Anarquia then back to the injured Hernandez who is unable to put weight on his right ankle. The show has to go on, this is a Loser Leaves Impact Match! The ref yells something to the ring announcer. This match will go on as a Handicap Match, Beer Money vs. Anarquia! Anarquia never has a chance as he is beat down then gets caught with the Drinking While Investing for the 3. Hernandez laughs and walks away from the match, having faked his way out of getting fired as Anarquia buries his face in his hands.

Samoa Joe is in his locker room preparing for his match, when in walks Okato, who wishes him luck. Joe is still perplexed by this strange Japanese man who seems to want to be his friend, but is grateful.

Jerry Lynn is here to defend his TNA Television Title, and his opponent is..Der Generisches, a luchadore from Quedlinburg, Germany! Jerry Lynn uses every veteran trick in the book, from eye pokes to feet on the ropes after a school boy, to even pulling out a stack of quarters from his trunks, but that last one works against him as his loaded fist gets kicked back into his face, and Der Generisches hits a BRAINBUSTAAAAAAAAH to become the NEW Television Champion! The new Luchador celebrates wildly while Lynn looks on in shock at having lost his title, and his job!

A jobber is in the ring, when out come Robbie E and Murphy. They say they've seen what's happened to other people, so they're going to grab their opponent now, before Hogan realizes what's going on. The jobber, to his credit, seems fine with this.

Perhaps Robbie E and Murphy should have chosen a better time. When the jobber takes off his hooded robe they are in shock, it's Unbreakable Michael Elgin! Elgin moves with freakish quickness and grabs Robbie E, using him as a human battering ram to bash the poo poo out of Murphy. Elgin hits a delayed vertical suplex on Robbie E, then tosses him around a bit. Elgin finally pins Murphy with the Big Boy Bomb.

We get a video package where a large man declares how much he loves his young son and wants to set an example for him, and that is why he's coming to TNA to break every hero in half so his son will have no choice but to idolize him, Kevin Steen.

Sting vs. Samoa Joe starts out quickly as both men trade strikes in the center of the ring. Joe works on Sting's legs with kicks and holds in order to prevent him from locking in the Scorpion deathlock. Sting hits a series of Stinger splashes on the big man, who rolls out of the ring. Sting pursues Joe when Anderson comes out of the crowd and Jarrett comes sprinting down the ramp. The ref calls for a double DQ when Mr. Anderson attacks Joe and Jeff Jarrett attacks Sting. Both men are staying in the Impact zone!

Hulk Hogan comes to the ring furious at the result of the last match, and declares he's done just as The Man In The Steiner Mask has requested. Out from the crowd comes The Man In The Steiner Mask, still armed with the baseball bat he used on Bischoff. Hogan gets in the face of this mysterious person, and demands to know who he is. Unmask, you coward! The man slowly lifts off the Steiner Mask, and from our camera angle we can see Hogan go pale, and when our camera rotates around, we see it, the face of the fake Scott Steiner. It's...SCOTT STEINER! Steiner punches Hogan and puts him in the Steiner Recliner while yelling completely unintelligible things as we go off the air.

Not a bad show!

quote:

Show opens with a video recap of Impact, showing Steiner getting furious at Sting, Bischoff selling for the bird, Steiner-RVD Cage Match, and Bischoff eating a bat to the face.

Jeff Cobb debuts against Matt Morgan. Cobb comes in like a madman to avoid Morgan's long reach and surprises the big man with his freakish strength! Cobb is able to toss him like a sack of potatoes, even pulling off his signature rolling gutwrench suplexes! Cobb manages to smother Morgan, and pins him after unleashing the Wrath of the Cobb (Spin Scoop Powerslam)

Flair does an in ring interview with Cobb, who says he chose coming to TNA because he's sick and tired of seeing all the little flippy men in the X Division. The X division needs a real man with real strength, it needs MR. OLYMPIC JEFF FREAKING COBB. Anthony Nese comes out on the ramp and says he's the Premiere Athlete, the perfect blend of strength, speed and agility. He has no weaknesses, and he's going to kick Cobb's rear end on his way to the top of the Division!

FUTURE SHOCK BAY BAY comes out against Robbie E and Murphy! O'Reilly gets Robbie E to tap to the Cross Arm Breaker while Cole Superkicks the poo poo out of Murphy to keep him from breaking up the pin

Ric Flair interviews the British Invasion, Magnus and Douglas Williams. Just a minute into the interview they are interruped by #DEMBOYS THE BRISCOES! The Briscoes don't take kindly to a bunch of filthy brits standing in the limelight when it's their time to shine. People don't want to see some tea drinking pansies, they want to see real men doing man poo poo! Flair tries to calm things down when Jay Briscoe throws a vicious right hand to Magnus's handsome Anglo face. IT'S A BACKSTAGE BRAWL. Ric Flair gets stoked as both teams beat the poo poo out of each other as the show goes off the air.

Basic Chunnel posted:

So did somebody call Scott Steiner as Fake Scott Steiner before I did or do I win something

Basic Chunnel posted: