Sanguinia posted:

Easy E and the Stinger still got it. Dub-C-Dub, Dub-C-Dub, Dub-C-Dub!

IcePhoenix posted:

But what about the butt segment

Twitter posted:

Sanguinia posted:

CM Punk's debut as the new star of Pro Wrestling on Jimmy Kimmel Live SCOTT STEINER has clearly single-handedly reignited the business.

You're welcome.

DoctorGonzo posted:

Smackdown better than Raw even in TEW.

ChrisBTY posted:

Alright I have to ask.

Matt Hardy.
As Matanza.
When you have Jeff Cobb.
In the same promotion.
In the same stable.

I'm not chiding the decision, I am just curious as to the thought process behind it.

quote:

Show opens with a video recap of last week's Impact and a BASH Tournament Graphic showing the Semi-Finals tonight!

The Big Boy Michael Elgin teams up with the Boys, who are wrapped up in various bits of KT tape after their beating at the hands of Daniels and Kazarian. They face Jeff Cobb, Tony Nese, and Mark Haskins. Elgin starts off against Cobb and both men put on an extraordinary display of strength, deadlifting each other for various suplexes. Elgin holds Mr. Olympic up for a stalling vertical suplex, then drops him. He quickly moves and tags in Boy A, who proceeds to hit a springboard double stomp to Cobb. Cobb instinctively rolls out of the ring and Nese and Haskins hop down outside of the ring to check on him. Boy A then runs over and hits a springboard imploding 450 splash onto the three men on the outside! Boy Z and Elgin join in on pounding the heels for a bit then throw them in the ring. Cobb tags out to Haskins who shows off his own aerial skills as both men work quickly hitting each other with flying kicks and dodge with various flips. The match goes back and forth before Elgin is eventually tagged in and pins The Premiere Athlete Nese with a Falcon Arrow.

Dya Jātibācaka comes down to defend the TV title against Prince Puma. This is going to be quite a match as these two Luchadors are skilled in various forms of high flying! Jātibācaka starts off going for the Helluva kick right off the bat but Puma does a back flip into a headstand on the turnbuckle and hits a corkscrew flipping code red as Jātibācaka charges in! 1...2... NO! Jātibācaka slides out of the ring to clear his head as he got his bell rung. Puma sprints and appears to be going for a Space Flying Tiger Drop but handsprings back off the ropes for a pose! Jātibācaka slides back in and we resume! Puma charges but Jātibācaka catches him with a series of deep Lucha arm drags! Puma rolls towards the corner on the last one, then stops himself and pushes off of of the turnbuckle to reverse his momentum into a back roll. He pops up from the backwards roll and hits Jātibācaka with a cutter! Puma senses the opportunity and goes for a quick standing shooting star press but there's no water in the pool! Puma hits the mat hard. Jātibācaka gets up and hits a diving drop kick as Puma tries to get up. He follows it up with a quick pin: 1...2.. Puma gets a shoulder up. Jātibācaka tries to Irish whip Puma into the ropes but it gets reversed! Puma pops Jātibācaka up to the Fireman's Carry for the Puma Driller but Jātibācaka reverses into a corkscrew DDT! He follows up with a quick exploder suplex into the corner! Puma is dazed! Jātibācaka sprints in full force, HELLUVA KICK! Puma staggers forward right into the Blue Thunder Bong! 1...2....3... Jātibācaka retains the TV Title!

D'Angelo Dinero comes out with his trademark rhinestone studded surgical mask and a microphone. He butchers the pronounciation of Jātibācaka's name and challenges him to a TV Title match at No Surrender! You know what happens when a challenge is issued, El Jefe Enrico Bischoffo comes out with his own microphone. "Yes, I am very happy that you two have your own budding rivalry here! But let's up the stakes a bit for No Surrender! This is going to be a tables match! You two put on a violent spectacle for me, and I will reward the winner with a unique opportunity!"

Adam Cole comes down with his Future Shock compatriot Kyle O'Reilly to face Douglas Williams, accompanied by Magnus. The four men stare each other down in the ring then go to their respective corners. Cole-Williams is on! Williams smothers Cole with a series of suplexes and Judo throws, keeping Cole from getting the distance needed for any of his signature strikes. Cole eventually gets away from the Judoka in time to hit a Superkick! He then follows that up with a shining wizard! Cole goes for the quick pin: 1...2... No! Williams goes for the roll through suplex but is thwarted by another Superkick to the legs, then the face! Williams is close to the corner and in perfect position for Cole! He gets on the 2nd rope and hops off, PANAMA DESTROYER! 1...2...3.. Cole is your winner!

#DEMBOYS THE BRISCOES come down to the ring after the match! They sneer at the British Invasion as they get into the ring, Mark with his arm taped up in a sling. They stare down Future Shock as we go to commercial!

It's knockout's time as Io Shirai takes on Cheerleader Melissa and Winter in a triple threat! Each woman got ample time to get their signature spots in, though it was Melissa and Shirai that got the bulk of the offence. After a good amount of exciting action, Io Shirai got the pin on Winter with a moonsault off the top rope.

MATTANZA and JEFF Hardy come out with Enrico Bischoffo., Mattanza is wearing a dark set of coveralls stained with...something. The bottom half of his face is concealed by a mask, his eyes are wild, his hair messy. Jeff's eyes are a milky white with what look like nail marks running down each cheek as if he tried to claw his own eyes out! Both men hop into the ring to face a set of jobbers. Bischoffo screams at the ref to RING THE BELL! The Hardys make quick work of the two jobbers, not even bothering to tag in or our as they lay down a vicious beating. Bischoffo screams at the ref not to disqualify them! The ref is confused as the Hardys destroy both jobbers with stereo Twists of Fate for a dual pin.

Bischoffo comes into the ring with a microphone. "Ah, denizens of the Impact Zone let me introduce you to the new, improved Hardys! Mattanza, and Jeff!" He hands the mic to Jeff. "Bischoffo gave us a new lease on life, after we were both ready to give up on wrestling. He showed me the light! I have seen all futures and possibilities! I have seen every ending to our story, every future of a million different timelines and dimensions! I HAVE SEEN FIRSTHAND THE GLORY MY BROTHER, THE MONSTER, MATTANZA AND I WILL ACHIEVE!" Mattanza takes the mic, breathing heavily through the mask as he surveys the Impact Zone. "We have a new purpose!" He growls. "We have been given a chance to attain greatness! To spill blood in worship of our new Aztec gods! We will sacrifice anyone who stands in the way of finding gold and treasure! We will not rest until all who oppose us and our master Enrico Bischoffo are laid to waste!"

Austin Aries vs. Magnus for the X Division title. Aries and Magnus go back and forth, exchanging blows. Magnus tries to work on Aries' left arm to prevent him from being able to lock in the False Flag. Aries jabs Magnus in the eye with his thumb, ITS THE EYE OPENER! Magnus staggers back and aries hits him with the discus elbow. Aries goes for the pin: 1...2....3! Austin Aries retains the TNA X Division Title!

Aries cuts a promo about how no one is willing to face the American Alpha, they're just a bunch of incel cucks who can't hold a candle to him. Alex Shelly comes out and says he's up to the challenge at No Surrender! Bischoffo comes out and agrees that he wants to see a test of who is a true man. IT'S AN I QUIT MATCH!

Our co-main event of the evening is the World Champion Sting defending his title against Gunner! Both men get entrances and Gunner immediately starts attacking Sting as soon as the ref takes the belt off! The ref rings the bell an the match is underway! Gunner hits Sting with a series of clubbing blows, sending the Champ into the ropes for a big back body drop! Gunner goes for a quick pin: 1....no Sting gets a shoulder up! Sting tries to clear the cobwebs but Gunner lays in with a series of boots to the skull an neck. Gunner picks up Sting in a Fireman's Carry, he's going for Hangar 18! Sting slips off Gunner's shoulders down to his back and goes for the Scorpion Death Drop! Gunner turns over and picks Sting up and hits a powerslam on the champion, then goes for another pin: 1....2... no Sting kicks out! Sting rolls out of the ring and Gunner relentlessly pursues his prey. Sting turns the corner around the ring post and Gunner follows blindly around the corner only to eat a surprise kick to the gut from the champion! A veteran move! Sting sends Gunner face first into the ringpost, then picks him up and drops him face first onto the apron! Sting lays the boots into Gunner, then rolls him into the ring. He tries to lock in the Scorpion Death Lock but Gunner manages to use his powerful legs to kick Sting off into the ropes. Gunner pursues going for a quick lariat but Sting ducks underneath and gets Gunner with a german suplex! Gunner is dazed as Sting picks him up and sends him into the corner for a Stinger splash. Then another. THEN ANOTHER! Gunner is wobbly and staggers out as Sting catches him into perfect position for the Scorpion Death Drop! The Champ locks in the Scorpion Death Lock and Gunner taps out! Sting retains the title!

Hogan and Jarrett come out and threaten Sting, but they get attacked from behind by Steiner! Steiner grabs a mic and says if anyone is gonna kick Sting's rear end, it's gonna be him. Hogan can take his little bitches and get the gently caress out! Hogan and Jarrett stumble away as Steiner makes his way down to the commentary table.


Big Poppa Pump sits down at commentary with Mauro, Taz, and Mike Tenay. Mauro does the intro "We're joined on commentary by Big Poppa Pump himself for the semifinals of the Best At Super Hossing Tournament presented by Hoss' Loaded Burgers." "Who the gently caress is this nerd, Tenay?" Steiner asks. "Well Scott, this is our new lead announcer Mauro Ranallo." "He don't sound Mexican to me!" "I'm Canadian, Scott." "Canadian?! No wonder you look like a fuckin' weirdo! I loving hate Canada, why the hell are we here anyways? I had to beat up 3 guards and sneak across the border to get here!" "Well Scott, Jersey Shore had booked the Impact Zone studio so management booked us up here in Toronto." "What the hell is Jersey Shore?"

And Steen's music hits! Steen comes down to the ring screaming that he's going to slay the Samoan monster and Steiner and win the BASH tournament trophy for his boy Owen. Samoa Joe comes down afterwards with Okato, his game face on and his eyes locked on his opponent.

"As these two men step into the ring, what are the first things that come to your mind Big Poppa Pump?" Steiner quickly reacts "Wait, that's just 2 fuckin guys?!?! You sure?"

Steen and Joe stare down, and the bell rings! This is on! Both men brawl back and forth but Joe gains a quick advantage with his surgically precise strikes, working the legs and body of Steen with a variety of vicious kicks and palm strikes. Steen Staggers a bit and Joe hits a snap DDT! Joe immediately follows the DDT with an attempt at a kimura but Steen gets his foot on the rope and the referee breaks the hold.

"So Scott, what aspect of these men's style scares you the most?" "Scared?! I aint scared of either of these fat bastards! I'd only be scared if I was covered in frosting, or dressed like a slice of pizza. This match is boring as poo poo, these two are just rolling around on the ground like a bunch of schoolgirls. You want to see a real match between these two? Make it a ladder match and put a box of donuts above the ring!"

The action continues back and forth as both men trade holds, strikes, and nasty suplexes. Steen hits a quick lariat followed by an exploder suplex! Joe is dazed and Steen starts stomping his prone opponent! Steen pulls Joe up and sends him into the ropes, is he going for the Papa powerbomb early to end the match? Joe uses the momentum off the ropes to hit a shoulder block on Steen! Steen hits the mat and Joe goes for a quick senton but Steen rolls out of the way, Joe hits the canvas! Steen scrambles to his feet and hits a senton of his own. Quick pin with no leg hook...1....2....No! Joe gets a shoulder up.
The action continues as Steen talks immense amounts of trash to Steiner at ringside while holding Joe in a headlock. "You're washed up, old man! I'm the new generation! I'm the hero, now! You're nothing but a has been!" Steiner stands up from the commentary table and points at Steen "Listen here you fat gently caress, I'm going to drop you on your loving head with a Steiner Screwdriver and maybe that'll kick start your lovely thyroid!" Steen releases the hold and goes to the ropes! What the hell is he doing, taking his eyes off his opponent?!?! "I'm going to put this washed up loser away, then I'm coming for you. I'm going to retire your rear end, old man! My kid hates you, and he's going to enjoy watching me beat the living poo poo out of you!" "Yeah? Well I hate your fuckin dumbass kid, fatass!" The ref goes to stop him, turning his back on Joe! Joe starts getting up when Mr. Anderson slides into the ring and cracks him over the head with a pipe! Okato tries to give chase but Anderson escapes. Steen turns to see Joe on his knees from the blow and hits a quick superkick, then a Poutine Piledriver on the big man! 1...2...3!! KEVIN STEEN IS GOING TO THE FINALS OF THE BEST AT SUPER HOSSING TOURNAMENT TO FACE BIG POPPA PUMP AT NO SURRENDER!!