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Bad Seafood
Dec 10, 2010

If you must blink, do it now.


One Last Job (630 words)

"I ain't gonna die or nothing."

She lit a cigarette, her sleeves rolled up past the elbow. She was a scrawny sort with hollow eyes, but when she smiled you knew it was real. Knew she spoke the truth, and only the truth. In that moment, she was immortal.

"You really think we can pull this off," I asked.

"We have to," she said. She smiled. "For the kid."

Four men had exited the train. Dangerous men. Between them was a suitcase. Our future. Our salvation. The conductor checked his watch and nodded. "All aboard?" We weren't. Not yet, though we held our tickets crumpled in our hands.

She kept her revolver in her lap, wrapped in velvet cloth. She checked the chamber with utmost discretion.

"Six shots," she said, "Minus four." She laughed. "Think you can handle two?"

"I have to."

"drat right."

I stepped onto the platform with a taste for blood. It's peculiar how familiar that taste can become. I approached them slowly, those lonesome demons. I knew them at once, though we'd one just met. The Little Man, the Mustache, the Cyclops, and the Scar. Men who’d sold their souls for cash. Well, I suppose I should judge.

"Excuse me," I said. They turned as one. Gaunt-faced and grim, except for the one. The Little Man, curious, had a smile something dreadful. He'd removed his hat and was fixing his hair.

"Can I help you, friend?"

I raised my shield, the King James Bible. "Have you heard the good news?"

There was a whistle, and the train began to lurch forward. The Little Man blinked.

"This a joke?"

"It's a robbery," I said. I punched him in the face.

The Little Man's nose bled out like a faucet. He crumpled to the floor, his fellows reaching for their backs; their guns, or knives, or whatever other evils men carry in secret. The Mustache seemed the quickest draw. I never gave him time to show his hand. He towered above as I dropped to the floor. I swept my leg and he toppled to the ground.

I snatched at the briefcase and glanced to the bench by the clock. She was gone. Gone? The butt of a gun brought me back to my senses. It belonged to the Scar, still clutching the handle of the case.

The Cyclops lashed out with a knife in his hands. I raised the Good Book instinctively, the blade penetrating clear through its spine. With a flick of the wrist I wrenched the blade from his grasp. I snatched it mid-flight, and drove it deep into the Scar’s snakeskin boots, now red and bubbling. The Scar howled. The case was released. I swung it aside just in time. I caught the Mustache, rising, in the chest. He toppled backward. Just wasn’t his day.

The train was moving.

The Cyclops threw a punch. I held up the case. I felt a tug, and looked down to see the Little Man snatching at my legs. I shooed him away with a kick to the stomach. He tripped up the Cyclops, who collapsed in a heap.

I sprinted for the train, and saw her hand extend from the door. “Get up, get up!” She pulled me to safety.

The rush of life caught up to me. I collapsed in the car, my breathing heavy.

“Where were you? Why didn’t you take the shot?”

“We’ve caused a commotion, don’t you think?”

“There was a commotion! I could’ve been killed!”

“But you weren’t.” She smiled. “And you won’t.” I understood.

She helped me to my feet, and shouldered me through the car.

"Of course," I said, "This means we have to talk about the kid."

"The kid?" she asked.

"Don't name him after me."

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BeefSupreme
Sep 14, 2007

DOUBLE BEEF ACTION

*DING DING DING* Submissions closed! Now we go to the cards.

BeefSupreme
Sep 14, 2007

DOUBLE BEEF ACTION

JUDGMENT

Ladies and gentlemen, if I could have your attention, please. The scores are in. It was a strong field this week, with many deserving entrants.

Every fight has a loser. We had a clear one, in Jay W. Frik's Single Bedroom. Two Residents. While there is an interesting concept underneath this one, the execution set the referee counting the knockout before it had even thrown a punch.

A couple of fights threw a couple of punches, but quickly found themselves against the ropes, and then the canvas shortly thereafter. We have two dishonorable mentions. While Julias' Black and Blues showed us the true potential of drumsticks, it could not get the judges to care about it. Killer-of-Lawyers' Many Beasts, on the other, hand simply had too many different threads to be a cohesive story.

There were, thank goodness, many more fights worth writing home about. Three fighters earned honorable mentions. Uranium Phoenix's Sacred delivered a heartwarming tale about parental love, both in man and beast. Okua's Asimov's Laws and the Apocalypse gave us a post-apocalyptic robot dust-up between old robot friends. And Erogenous Beef's Duke Guncock and the Golden Funnel came oh so close to a win. Teddy Brosevelt would be satified, I believe, even in it's close defeat.

There can be only one winner, though, folks. For it's gritty noir tone, and tight action, your winner, by unanimous decision, the NEW CHAMPION OF THE BLOOD THRONE...

The Cut of Your Jib, for Riley's Last Ride!

BeefSupreme fucked around with this message at Mar 6, 2017 around 11:58

dreadmojo
Oct 23, 2010



Legit Cyberpunk

BeefSupreme posted:

JUDGMENT

Ladies and gentlemen, if I could have your attention, please. The scores are in. It was a strong field this week, with many deserving entrants.

Every fight has a loser. We had a clear one, in Jay W. Frik's Single Bedroom. Two Residents. While there is an interesting concept underneath this one, the execution set the referee counting the knockout before it had even thrown a punch.

A couple of fights threw a couple of punches, but quickly found themselves against the ropes, and then the canvas shortly thereafter. While Julias' Black and Blues showed us the true potential of drumsticks, it could not get the judges to care about it. Killer-of-Lawyers' Many Beasts, on the other, hand simply had too many different threads to be a cohesive story.

There were, thank goodness, many more fights worth writing home about. Uranium Phoenix's Sacred delivered a heartwarming tale about parental love, both in man and beast. Okua's Asimov's Laws and the Apocalypse gave us a post-apocalyptic robot dust-up between old robot friends. And Erogenous Beef's Duke Guncock and the Golden Funnel came oh so close to a win. Teddy Brosevelt would be satified, I believe, even in it's close defeat.

There can be only one winner, though, folks. For it's gritty noir tone, and tight action, your winner, by unanimous decision, the NEW CHAMPION OF THE BLOOD THRONE...

The Cut of Your Jib, for Riley's Last Ride!

IT'S IS ONLY EVER SHORT FOR IT IS, MOTHERFUCKER

FIGHT ME

dreadmojo fucked around with this message at Mar 6, 2017 around 10:46

Chili
Jan 23, 2004

College kids ain't shit


Grimey Drawer

CRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITS


All read in judgemode. But, of course, I remembered some of the flash rules I handed out and who they ended up going to. Otherwise this was fairly impartial.

Caveats! I don't’ read good. So if you went experimental or a little “out” you may have lost me. That happened a few times. Also, my sanity began to wither somewhere at about ⅔ into this so take it all as it is!

Also, if you have any interest in talking about your story, come find me in IRC! I love taking shop!


You Fight Like a Girl


Running Notes - I’m seeing a lot of X did N to Y and then Y did M to X. This is boring and flat prose and makes for stale action. I get that these guys are doing things to each other, but there’s so little description as to what’s going on.

Oh, and that’s all.


Overall - OK. Well this was short and mildly amusing with a somewhat whackadoo ending. I didn’t hate this because I didn’t have enough time to hate this. That’s… an odd consolation prize but I guess it works. The fighting itself is brief, yet confusing. I get that this is an in-n-out story, but some more color in the proper fight would have helped you here. Otherwise, this kind of reads like a flat telling of The Aristocats.


5/10



Duke Guncock and the Golden Funnel


Running Notes - Broloseeum. And with one quick word you have earned losertar immunity as far as I’m concerned. Well done. OK, broletariat. Another good one, but if this continues you may start to lose some charm on this. Brocialism, I guess I’m still with you. Also you're doing a nice job of recapping a fight, so I’m still with you. Brobots… and broligarch. I love to hate you.

Through the first two beats, and I’m digging this so far. You’re pacing is spot on on. We see what the motivation is and in spite of the humor which is, at once, good and distracting, the story is working. Also, you seem to have retired some of the bro stuff, a wise move.

Oh, nevermind. More brostuff. Most of the time it’s clever enough so I’m OK with this.

Onto the training montage… and I’m kinda with you here. The leg day joke is kinda tired at this point and I’m not sure how much we need this. But you know, a good old training montage can be good part of a fight thing. So it’s still working.

Oh, that ending. Bro gently caress Yourself.

Overall - Alright, this was good. The tone and the humor are a bit over the top at times, but you went for something big and kept it consistent. A real struggle with pieces like this is that sometimes, things start to fall flat toward the end. Ending on a stupid pun is a fun choice and one I’ve enjoyed doing myself as it gives a nice shaggy dog feel, which I’m always a huge fan of. Anyway, your fight choreography is remarkable. It’s clear and introduces fun and playful elements and that’s a tough act to balance. This was a solid entry and is an early HM pick for me for sure. I like this story’s guts and I liked the execution.

9/10



Sacred


Running Notes - Alright, from the top you got me ready for a fight with a dragon. That means there better be a fight with a dragon or something of equal or better value.

The opening is longer than it needs to be. Consider the information the audience cares about. A dragon took protag’s kid. There’s a faster, snappier way to get this going but spend 250 words doing so.

Proofing error He tried to think of there were. Little distracting as the other stories so far were well polished. Also, I just don’t think we need this He tried to think of there were any other boys of the same name near Aberfirth, then tried to convince himself he’d heard the name wrong, but no self-deception could sooth the chill in his blood or the drums in his heart. Pretty much at all. If there’s one thing readers can understand, it’s that a parent will go after their child. We don’t need much more than that and you gave it to us from the jump.

Just in sight of the crags, the knight found himself sprawled on the ground, mud coating his leather cuirass and his crossbow nestled in a bush, the bolts scattered about. Wait what? When did this happen?

It’s also wildly confusing how you go from calling your MC both “the knight” and “ingram” pick one.

Decent fight choreography. Not a whole lot happens but the resulting pain is kinda what sells it. When fighting a dragon there’s a couple of ways for your story to work successfully, and choosing a “realistic” victory versus and over-the-top dragon slaying metal experience is a fine choice and helps avoid cliche. I’m a little unclear why he was so ready to kill himself with the fairy at the end. Maybe something at the beginning with him examining the thing?

Overall - This was serviceable. Which is a thing I hate to hear when I write a story, but that’s kind where it was for me. I don’t see why you wasted time with other characters at all. The interesting and worthwhile part of your story is Dad vs. Dragon. If you spend more time on that and less with other characters bailing on your protag before the confrontation even starts you probably coulda built for more investment in your reader. Anyway, the fight was clear and realistic considering, y’know, dragon. But more time spent on showing the power and terror of the moment leading up the fight itself and less on ancillary characters that we don’t care about would have improved this a fair bit.

7/10



The Disciple


Running Notes - This may seem pedantic, but it’s your first sentence “irritated individual” is a really lovely alliterative and doesn’t sound nice at all. It immediately put a sour taste in my mouth. Nevermind the fact that both of those words are just… not good? We know that a person is an individual. There are so many better one word options that could fit: miscreant, ingrate, etc.

The word carried a sense of resentment. - Telling, not showing. We already know he’s an irritated individual, but perhaps he can say this through clenched teeth? That conveys what you’re going but we don’t have to take your word for it.

OK, so Lysander is just a bitter student. Or at least, that’s all I’m getting so far. He kinda seems like a huge d-bag.

“This isn’t how alumni generally greet me,” Adriatus said, leaning out from behind a tree to Lysander’s right. “Would you care to explain?” Aww yis. This may not be anything special but I love calm in the face of danger. Conveys real power and is serving as a nice contrast to this Lysander fella.

Roman candle is an out of place reference.

You’re crazy,” he said. “Attempted murder because you flunked a class.” Can’t quite put my finger on it, but this a weid tonal shift. Up till now, he sounded very Dumbledorey. This was less-so.

Woah now. What is this Lysander’s deal? He’s setting fire to a school and potentially killing children for what reason again? Just because you have a character call him out for being ridiculous doesn’t excuse the motivation not making sense to a reader.

I dig that this shifts from magic to punches. Clever and gives a good sense of weight.

Hm, I guess that works well enough for an ending.


Overall - There’s some prose issues, but I got what you were going for in your story. The villain’s motivation is just kinda over-the-top and I’m not totally buying it. Especially -- and sorry to do this, but I’m going back to the beginning -- when you simply characterized him as an “irritated individual”. That makes him sound like a greasy haired actuary who has been made to wait a bit too long at the DMV. Give your villain some power from the jump. Don’t hold your punches. I also found Adriatus more interesting than Lysander. Could’ve done with some more characterization from him before he was immediately put into the role of protector of the school. That’s a role anyone in his position would take. Why should we care about him as an individual?

Overall, this was fine. Fix up the prose a bit. Use strong nouns, and shoot for more showing and less telling.

6/10




This is Canonically a Part of the Star Wars™ Expanded Universe


Running Notes - I want to like your opening but it’s very clunky to read. I get the broad strokes of what you’re going for but it didn’t bring me in.


He swam every weekday, so he wasn’t fat anymore. Instead, he had that thin swimmer’s body and was tan too. He always had that faint smell of chlorine on him, though. Point of improvement: When you’re editing, do a search for “that” and delete it when you don’t need it. Y’know like in the case of both of these sentences. “A” would work much better.

Justin laughed and then pulled his arm back to hit him again. But, when we he swung down, Bobby blocked it with his forearm. Then, he grabbed the stick and janked real hard, and Justin’s grip loosened and it fell to the ground. Read this out loud, your action is clunky. The bad fights this week have a lot of THIS HAPPENED, THEN THIS HAPPENED.

Ugggggh. I’m a sucker for brother stories. But this Justin dude is just so irredeemable so far. Their relationship starts off nasty and it’s not getting much better. I guess I’m supposed to want Justin to “get it” in the end. Either by being punished or coming around. But really, Bobby just seems like a well put together person and Justin a dipshit. Not sure why I should care about the latter or worry about the former.
There was some were.

I don’t get this ending.


Overall - Yeah, this is just snapshots of a decent person and a lovely person. I hated Justin all the way through, he’s just a nasty piece of poo poo brother. I may resent him especially and have a hard time finding some kind of silver lining to him if there is one because being a big brother is the best thing in the loving world and people who blow it like this are utter poo poo heads. Anyway, there isn’t so much of a fight as much as there snapshots of cruelty. This didn’t really go anywhere and it didn’t feel like either characters grew or changed all that much.

4/10



Single Bedroom. Two Residents

Running Notes - A cursory glance at this and I’m shuddering over the formatting. This looks like a mess. And I’m getting started and this, in fact, a mess. You can’t possibly win with a story formatted like this and it could easily tip you from a DM to a loss. Preview edit your submissions, make sure they look decent. Judging can be a pain in the rear end and running into a story like this feels just rude and makes me want to rush through it and move on to someone who has more respect for my time.

Why, oh why, are you slamming on your return key so much? I did this for my first entry and it’s part of the reason why I lost. It may be part of the reason why you lose to, if you do.

And seriously, you’re going to come up with an awesome idea of a married couple literally fighting over a divorce? That’s an idea that deserves some attention and care, why did this have to be yours?!

Wait, just because he chose axes, does Lucille not get one? Where’s her ax?

Oh? She has one? Crawling with an axe seems hard and improbable.

UCCCCH what even is that ending?

Overall - This bums my poo poo, because again, what an idea. I love this idea. This idea alone deserves an HM. But the fight itself is barely worth any interest. The formatting is a disaster, the POV oddly shifts, we don’t get to know or care about either of these characters so the victory is irrelevant…. There’s so many quibbles and gripes I have with this. But perhaps the worst is the ending because it feels an awful lot like you’re going for some kind of joke or punchline and it’s just so aggressively boring. Like what even is that? A small reveal of a minor strategic choice, that by the way is essentially physiological nonsense? Who cares?

This let me down; I’m not happy.

3/10


Secret of the Silent Fist


Running Notes - Nice image in the opener. I don’t get a ton of info, but I can see the scene in my head.

This is good dialogue. I’m getting to know The Silent Fist through his tone and the small little bits of description throughout.

The action could be a bit smoother, but I like the small touch of giving the flunkies blocking and appearance based names. Helps keep things relatively clear.

I’m reading through the rest of this quickly. The action is nice and springy and you handled the volleyball net, which was my suggestion very nicely.

Aw, I liked that ending.

Overall - A nice, quick read, that sported functional prose, likeable characters, and clear action. This was a strong entry. Characterizing the peons was a smart and helpful choice, and the ending didn’t feel unsatisfying because it was at once surprising and believable.

8/10



Rise of the Rebel King, or; How I lost my hand

Title is capitalized oddly and if you’re going for Dr. Strangelove you’re looking for a colon and not a semicolon.

I’m OK with the opening. The scene is set relatively well and we know who these people are.

Granted, in their eyes, it was all Thravvin waters. Huh?

Uch, OK. I really like the fact that we’re in first person but here’s the deal. Fights are quick. Forming of thoughts and things like “I wasn’t stupid enough to think I could push that aside one handed.” just don’t carry a sense of urgency and don’t make it feel like your character is at risk.

And again “I suspected he spoke from empirical experience.” That’s just not a thought I believe a sane person has in a fight. He’s the underdog here, it’s likely he’ll die, why is he “suspecting” anything.

I kept my eyes sword woops.

And just when you’re trying to stick the landing: I raised the point my blade and threw up my left arm in a desperate block, I lost it. Come on…


Overall: There’s a lot about this I wanted to like but the proofing errors and the narrator's thought process often brought this to a halt. There was a really nice, kinetic feel to your action and the fighting was clear. I didn’t realize that your MC was a prisoner and on a quick re-check at the intro, I’m still not seeing it. I may have missed something but it definitely didn’t land for me.

That being said, you kinda took the easy route here. By making your hero the smaller character, and the underdog, we inherently want to root for him. That’s OK, I guess. But we’ve seen it before. Why not go bold with this? Maybe make the big guy the underdog? Large but unskilled as a tiny warrior outmaneuvers him. I’m not taking off points because you didn’t go there, but that kinda choice would be more surprising and fresh.

Anyway, the fighting was good enough to carry the rest of the piece, but it didn’t wow me. And clean things up please. Edit and proofread, some of those mistakes were bad and obvious.

6/10



Pink Collars

Little heavy on “knees” right out of the gate. This is your opener, scrutinize over these words more than any others.

There’s a relatively consistent issue here with you not being clear on who is saying what. Most of the time I can figure it out, but you want the reader to not have to figure out. You want us along for the ride. I like the cabbie so far, and I’m seeing where the fight will be. I also like he’s too tall to fit in the cab and I’m also a fan of him being the MC. You took the advice I gave the last writer.

And the whole fight is distilled down to one action.

I guess that’s a choice to make, but I’m not expecting BeefSupreme to be happy since, you know this prompt was all about a fight. There’s a ton of build up to this moment and for it all to resolve that quickly….


Overall: Eh. I think the strength of this story was in its believability. This did all feel like something that could happen. I’m a little unclear as to what the pink collar motif was and why this guy cared so much about these pink-collared people. May just be something that sailed over my head as I’m now 9 stories deep into this week. Anyway, there was a whole lot of stuff that led up to essentially one sentence of solid action. And that sentence itself wasn’t a prose haymaker so the story kinda falls down a bit.

6/10

Asimov’s Laws and the Apocalypse

Running Notes: Ooooooo robot fights.

Liking the struggle with sentience vs non-sentience.

Suddenly, I’m unclear as to why Rho is attacking Delta. It seems odd and out of place and that’s gonna color how I read the rest of the fight.

The neutral “why” from Delta is oddly chilling and well done.

The rest of this was good.

Overall: OK, so I came around to this. I think of all the stories so far this one has done the best job of the fight being part of the story. It wasn’t overdone, or heavy handed, but it provided a clever look into what violence is. You managed to make me care about robots in a week where people have made it hard to care about dying humans. Well done.

8/10



Guardian

Strong and visceral opening. I don’t know who these people are, but I want to know more. Good start.

Second paragraph is… jarring, though that certainly seems intentional. I’m getting slightly worried about clarity.

I want to know more about the grey. It’s been mentioned quite a bit through the third paragraph and at this point I’m gonna shift from curious to frustrated if it keeps on getting mentioned instead of explored.

So far, you’re handling injury better than anyone this week. The character’s pain is clear and strong.

Ok, this is now shifting in flight-of-ideas territory and that’s a style that never lands for me. I’m gonna try and stay focused because the prose is worth is thus far.

Got the end, but call me JJ Abrams, because I am lost.

Overall : Couldn’t follow much of this. Ideas were placed before clarity and it led to a failure in execution. This may have had one of my favorite openers of the week though. That can’t redeem a story that struggled to make much sense though. Whenever I feel a story fails on execution, however, I must remind the writer that I have the reading comprehension of an ape drooling into a bucket.

6/10



Radical Self-Careless

Running Notes: “I loving hate you,” says Maggie. She lets out a shaky breath. “Yeah. That feels good. I. hate. You. I hate you! Of all the words to miss a capitalization on in your opener… hate?

OK, well at least we finally get a female protagonist. Though it looks like a barking mad one. Looks like we’re getting a story where someone will beat the poo poo out of themselves. Eh, gently caress it, I’m board. What you got?

This is just sad to read.

So I have some bias here. I’ve worked with people who have self harmed and beaten themselves in secure treatment centers. This person doesn’t seem to be in one. This is just way over-the-top.

Overall: So I guess you wanted to bum the reader out and make them sad? I don’t know, if so, mission accomplished I guess. The problem with a story like this is that there’s obviously something wrong with Maggie but before we have any chance to learn anything about her or how she got like this, she’s kicking the crap out of herself. So what that means is we’re just watching something sad and not caring. It’s an empty, unfair sadness. There’s no relief at the end, because at that point my brain has decided that I can’t care about a person I don’t know.

The rough nature of the fight was handled well, and I like the idea of a person fighting herself but the execution didn’t quite match up.

6/10



Black and Blues

“The stage set aflare; Sparklers and light beams blasted the majestic stage, as the spectators roared with anticipation.”


The theme this week seems to be clunky openers. I don’t know why sparklers is capitalized and you say stage twice. This is clunky. This is your shot to convince the reader that you have written matters. Don’t squander it.

The groupies murmured, whispering rumors and heresy about the reasons for the sudden hiatus. Woops. But you did inadvertently win sentence of the week. So, well done there.

Wait, is Lizzie saying “pluuugh” that is a strange thing to say. Also, why is she hitting people. This is a silly silly person.

OK this is probably the goofiest motivation for a fight yet.

Lolwut drumsticks in a throat. ohjeeeezis

Ok this is just bananas and not in a good way.

Overall : I think this story needs some attention, maybe a line crit or something. There’s a lot to unpack with where this thing went wrong. Suffice to say the reason for the fight makes little to no sense and what happens in the fight is light years away from the tone you were fostering. It’s OK for something to be shocking but I don’t think you were looking for the kinda laugh I found in the drunk sticks going through the throat bit.

4/10



Many Beasts

If the Sorceress has faced worse beasts than the one she’s facing now, why aren’t we seeing that story instead of this one?

Oh god, and she’s not flinching. So she doesn’t care and she’s not worried, so why should I be?

The sulfurous smell made the Beast's nose wrinkle, and it took a few steps back, it's limbs unsteady from the electricity that still crackled across it's fur. Woops. And you do it again later. The really annoying part is that you don’t make this mistake consistently which means you may know better and that this is just sloppy.

“There wasn't any doubt that she would prevail then. The fight was just delaying the inevitable.” You keep on pleading with me to not give one flying gently caress about your story. Why in the world would I read about delaying the inevitable?

Overall: Seriously, this couldn’t have been more boring. The fight was fine but over and over again you harp on how powerful this sorceress is and that the fight is inconsequential. Why read this then? And gently caress that poo poo at the end. She won the fight and that knight’s a little bitch.

I might just be cranky because I have to go to bed but this story bothered me.

4/10


Riley’s Last Ride

Opening is pretty and I want to see more.
Oh poo poo, this got real.

Love the PI angle, hoping this story works. YOU’VE GOT ME HOPING, WHOEVER YOU ARE

“Before I can get it together, the lug hauls me out the window like a side of beef on his meathooks and I flop to the greasy pavement. poo poo”. Good sentence. Great contrast. Well done here.

“I slam the shot glass into his right orbit like breaking into a creme broulee. There’s a quick crunch then the smooth squish as the glass presses into his socket and his eyeball fills the glass with a sick suction sound like a novelty stress ball. 103rd Street Monocle.” HELL YEAH

Overall : Yeah, this was good. Good action, great voice. Clear, and stylish through and through. Not gonna waste time picking this apart. Good job.

9/10



Piss and Vinegar

“You think you can talk to her?” a voice asked, almost familiar. “Do whatever you want?” Zach didn’t have time to think. Question?

Not really getting much of the motivation behind this. But it does seem like senseless is what you’re going for here.

Alright, read the rest quickly. This was kinda by the books. Action was OK, didn’t really care too much about anyone though.

Overall: This didn’t make a huge impression on me. I don’t really know Zach or why I should care about him which means that the stakes weren’t there and the action was mindless and inconsequential.

It worked OK though.

6/10


One Last Job

Strong opening. You grabbed me and me feel like I was being talked to by these characters.

I knew them at once, though we'd one just met. woops

Well, I suppose I should judge. A wild guess that this is meant to be shouldn’t. If not, then it’s odd and I don’t get it.

Alright, this was a quick and enjoyable enough read but it didn’t make an impression on me.

Overall: Kinda what I just wound up saying. I’m not entirely sure who these people are or why I should care about them. The action is kinda slick and it functions decently but overall, this didn’t land any evocative or cathartic blows like better pieces this week did.

6/10

Chili fucked around with this message at Mar 6, 2017 around 11:07

BeefSupreme
Sep 14, 2007

DOUBLE BEEF ACTION

sebmojo posted:

IT'S IS ONLY EVER SHORT FOR IT IS, MOTHERFUCKER

fiiiiite meeeeeee

I SAID I'D JUDGE

NOT WRITE GOOD



Pick the time and the place. I'm there.

Chili
Jan 23, 2004

College kids ain't shit


Grimey Drawer

BeefSupreme posted:

I SAID I'D JUDGE

NOT WRITE GOOD



Pick the time and the place. I'm there.

Done.

I am your judge.

Your brawl is simple. Write me a story that takes place in a courtroom.

Use 2,000 words or less to find a way to please me.

You have until this time next week.

I hate you both immensely.

BeefSupreme
Sep 14, 2007

DOUBLE BEEF ACTION

I know a lot about things that are supreme

like courts



and stuff

Julias
Jun 24, 2012



Thanks for the fjgj BeefSupreme, Chili, and Sebmojo. Especially for the crits Chili.

Chairchucker
Nov 14, 2006

The man was stunningly well dressed. He had a smart looking jacket, and a really neat looking cape, the lining of which was shimmering and sparkling in more than Oriental splendour, which is a great deal of splendour indeed, just ask Kipling.

Broooooompt!

Okua
Oct 30, 2016


Fast judgement and good crits. Thank you.

The Cut of Your Jib
Apr 23, 2007

THUNDERDOME LOSER

Thunderdome Week CCXL: These Bits Don't Ad Up



Word Count Max: 1500
Sign-up Deadline: Friday, March 10, 11:59PM EST
Submission Deadline: Sunday, March 12, 11:59PM EST


Here's a gallery of snippets from retro video game ads that I've gathered: http://imgur.com/a/2Epmj

Use your assigned art as inspiration for your story. Most are old plotless games; but if you know the game in the ad, don't rehash the plot. No fanfics or stories where people sit around playing video games, either. That's it for content rules.

Here's the game:

Post a piece of art from the gallery with your entry and that art is assigned to whomever signed up directly before you. So entrant 2 chooses the inspiration art for entrant 1, entrant 3 chooses for entrant 2 and so on. There's forty or so ads, so pick an ad that hasn't been assigned yet.

First person to enter gets to subtract 300 words from another entrant, to be used before submissions close on Friday or forfeited.

Once sign-ups close, I'll choose the artwork for the final person to enter.

Requesting judge assists, too.

Judges:
The Cut of Your Jib
Fuschia tude
Player 3


Entrants:

Uranium Phoenix - https://i.imgur.com/ALAS2tc.jpg (gets to choose someone for 1200 word limit)
Okua - https://i.imgur.com/6VQl51U.jpg
Benagain - https://i.imgur.com/vbet5F8.jpg
Hawklad - https://i.imgur.com/GrqSTqy.jpg
Jay W. Friks - https://i.imgur.com/sJxmKKF.jpg
Chili - https://i.imgur.com/BoCAdCg.jpg
llamaguccii - https://i.imgur.com/jyH2Wr9.jpg
Bad Seafood - https://i.imgur.com/yWWQ9hx.jpg
Gau - https://i.imgur.com/7hNh0NH.jpg
GenJoe - https://i.imgur.com/7qraHUA.jpg
Thranguy - https://i.imgur.com/q2ipsKl.jpg
Beige - https://i.imgur.com/0Dw245b.jpg
Metrofreak - https://i.imgur.com/Qd6bRXg.jpg
Mrenda - https://i.imgur.com/20fCvRK.jpg
sparksbloom - https://i.imgur.com/igSu6bn.jpg
Solitair - https://i.imgur.com/cWrygtP.jpg

The Cut of Your Jib fucked around with this message at Mar 12, 2017 around 03:12

Uranium Phoenix
Jun 20, 2007


RADIOACTIVE DUST SURGE DETECTED


I'm in.

Okua
Oct 30, 2016




These are great pictures.
I'm in.

Benagain
Oct 10, 2007

Student of the principle art of posting

Fun Shoe



in

Hawklad
May 3, 2003


Who wants to live
forever?


DIVE!

College Slice

IN for some redemption.

Jay W. Friks
Oct 4, 2016

Six of one, half dozen of another.

Grimey Drawer

in

Jay W. Friks fucked around with this message at Mar 6, 2017 around 18:31

Chili
Jan 23, 2004

College kids ain't shit


Grimey Drawer


In.

llamaguccii
Sep 2, 2016

THUNDERDOME LOSER



IN with a for not posting last week.

Bad Seafood
Dec 10, 2010

If you must blink, do it now.


In.

Gau
Nov 18, 2003

I don't think you understand, Gau.


I was a total failure last week so this week I'm in with a

dreadmojo
Oct 23, 2010



Legit Cyberpunk

BeefSupreme posted:

I know a lot about things that are supreme

like courts



and stuff

yeah, toxx, yes

also another toxo for crits for this week by close of entries this week.

GenJoe
Sep 14, 2010


in

edit: oh poo poo right the prompt here's an image

GenJoe fucked around with this message at Mar 7, 2017 around 00:31

The Cut of Your Jib
Apr 23, 2007

THUNDERDOME LOSER


ok image posted

GenJoe
Sep 14, 2010



bitch please

The Cut of Your Jib
Apr 23, 2007

THUNDERDOME LOSER

GenJoe posted:

bitch please

flerp
Feb 25, 2014



rude

flerp
Feb 25, 2014


no one even put rear end wtf

GenJoe
Sep 14, 2010



The Cut of Your Jib
Apr 23, 2007

THUNDERDOME LOSER


game on

flerp
Feb 25, 2014


cut of your jib vs gen joe

your story will be about esports and i mean like for real esports, starcraft, league of legends, fighting games, as long as there is a competitive scene for the game. make your characters interesting. dont make your humor only lol nerds because that isnt funny.

prompt: 'everyone is awful except me'

1250 words, due march 19 11:59pm pst

Thranguy
Apr 21, 2010

'Read over your compositions, and when you meet a passage which you think is particularly fine, strike it out.' -Samuel Johnson

In

Beige
Sep 13, 2004


I'm in.

Metrofreak
Mar 17, 2009

THUNDERDOME LOSER

In.

Mrenda
Mar 14, 2012



In. Day drinking me is feeling writerly.

Solitair
Feb 18, 2014


Merry Critmas, y'all.

Crits for Week #238, part 1:

"Black mold" by Okua

I can't think of very much to say about this. It's a low-key story with nothing obviously broken in it and nothing compelling enough to be worth remembering. I think the implication is that the main character is confusing the Jason at the library with her husband, or even fabricating library Jason's existence, but the ambiguity isn't compelling enough to make me want to know more.

"That way of hers" by Chernabog

quote:

The illness got worse, comma splice it is degenerative after all. She'd stop in the middle of a sentence and ask me what she was doing. She could be holding a knife or writing a letter or taking a shower. Anything, really. And I'd just stare sadly, my lips frowned in a sympathetic thin line. I'd calm her down and explain what was going on. To this day I can still hear her reply: 'Don't worry luv, everything will be okay,' Her voice soft and mournful.

quote:

I try to wake up from my vision, to yank myself out through sheer force of will. I thrash violently in bed but my attempt proves futile, I am still here. Her lips form a sympathetic thin line as the meds begin to flood my system. She then smiles at me, though it is not an honest smile. She holds resentment I know awkward sentence that needs either a comma or a complete rewrite. It's not her fault, I don't blame her. I am like this because destiny itself defined me as such. She picks up a clipboard and begins writing as my consciousness slips away. Her presence brings me some solace at least, she will never abandon me.

quote:

I try to wake up from my vision, to yank myself out through sheer force of will. I thrash violently in bed but my attempt proves futile, comma splice I am still here. Her lips form a sympathetic thin line as the meds begin to flood my system. She then smiles at me, though it is not an honest smile. She holds resentment I know. It's not her fault, I don't blame her. I am like this because destiny itself defined me as such. She picks up a clipboard and begins writing as my consciousness slips away. Her presence brings me some solace at least, she will never abandon me.

Not a bad description of how a degenerative disease can change people, but the need to have an unreliable narrator gets in the way. By the end, I have nothing to go on.

"Cleaner" by Erogenous Beef

This isn't a finished story, it's thick with noir cliches, and the narrator isn't the unreliable character. You earned your DM.

"I, Sir Alaric" by Deltasquid

My least unfavorite so far, given that it resembles a story with an arc. It took me a while to see how it followed the prompt, but it works. It still feels tropey and the characters aren't developed, though.

sparksbloom
Apr 30, 2006


In.

Mercedes
Mar 7, 2006

"So you Jesus?"

"And you black?"

"Nigga prove it!"

And so Black Jesus turned water into a bucket of chicken. And He saw that it was good.


Thanks for the crit sitting here. I will now apply to become a writer for an adult swim show and make millions. MILLIONS.

Solitair
Feb 18, 2014


Crits for Week #238, Part 2:

"On a Playground" by Chili

Hoo boy.

quote:

“Yeah, I was there,” Jared spun his baseball cap so that it sat backward on his head, “I was just trying to play with Connie and she kept on losing.” Use periods to separate action from dialogue, not commas.

quote:

“Of course I did, it was Connie!” Comma splice.

quote:

Reese kicked Pollack under the desk, “go on Connie,” he said. Commas in place of a period and you forgot to capitalize 'go'? See me after class.

quote:

At that, Connie burst into tears, they tried to comfort her, but she was inconsolable. Comma splice.

quote:

“Connie looked upset,” he started, “you know she had nothing to do with this right?” Use periods. Don't use 'started' as a speaking verb. I'm counting this as a comma splice, too.

quote:

Talk to Millie, she’ll tell you something different, and as she’s the only one that is clearly innocent in all of this, you may get somewhere.” COMMA SPLICE X2 COMBO: WEIRD AL'S REVENGE. Also, Vincent's dialogue is so unlike how a child would talk that I'm imagining him being played by Fred Savage.

quote:

“OK” Millie started, quickly. Put a comma after OK, cut the adverb.

quote:

“That’s fine, Millie,” Reese said, “please what else did you see?” Comma splice.

quote:

Millie sighed, “I was just happy to be at recess. Too many dumb things happen in class, y’know? Like just today, when we were all going out, Ms. Hellman gave Vincent a special picnic lunch in the classroom and didn’t even tell any of us why. I like the playground. It’s funny, and there’s monkey bars!” That's a lot of words to fit in a single sigh.

This story uses commas so haphazardly that it's a real distraction from how pointless the events are. Most of it reads like a dopey kid's book version of Rashomon up until the profanity at the end. I wish this story structure was used on the noir stuff from that other story this week, but as it stands this is another well-chosen DM.

"Journal, Pages 467-472" by Hawklad

quote:

So I look away and there's Brittany, rolling them so hard I thought she might tip over in her chair.

quote:

A thrill shivers through me. What.

This story went pretty much how I thought it would. It doesn't make sense to call it a journal; if this was written down after the fact by the narrator, you'd think her thoughts on Jonah's Hatred cosplay would reflect the terror of a school shooting retroactively. Then again, that terror barely registers even after Jonah shoots Trey. I'm left with the vague feeling that the main character is unrealistically stupid. The best thing I can say for this story is that it didn't annoy me on a grammatical level like Chili's story did.

"Haunted" by Metrofreak

quote:

“Dad! I heard something downstairs!” he’d cry. I’d have to reassure him, let him sleep in our bed (I made him promise not to wet it, I am eternally grateful for him upholding that particular bargain). It worked out ok, given that most nights he came knocking were when Lauren’s filming ran late, or she was otherwise busy. He had a sense for it, I suspect he just missed her. Questionable use of parentheses.

quote:

Course, any moaning for a while was easily attributed to mommy being on vicodin, And once she went back to work the house felt quiet. Don't capitalize 'and.'

quote:

I miss him, he writes less than he should, but facebook lets you chat on video now. He doesn’t call that much, but it’s fine. We call him, maybe once every week or two. He posts his projects online, Lauren says they’re really well shot, I believe her. Kid’s got a bright future. Says he’s working with a buddy to do a horror flick on the cheap, something about shadow men I think, he’s had to do some rewrites. I can’t wait to see it. Four comma splices in two sentences.

I like this one. There's some grammar bullshit here, but otherwise I'd have vouched for giving this an HM. Maybe this week has lowered my standards.

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Solitair
Feb 18, 2014


IN

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