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Yoruichi
Sep 21, 2017

Time for tea and Thunderdome

sebmojo posted:

inter prompt: never eat anything bigger than your head

Mosebjo skewered the heads of his enemies onto a stolen pike and set them up to roast over his camp fire. He alone had triumphed in this battle and tonight he would feast like a warrior. The skin on the heads bubbled, lips blistering and pealing away from yellow teeth. Mosebjo's stomach growled. He rammed his sword through the eye socket of the first head and slid it off the pike. Using his dagger he cut away the jaw bone and turning the skull upside down dug deep into brain within. He brought a soggy pink chunk to his mouth. How long had he waited for this moment, to finally prove himself as a man? He slide the mess into his mouth and chewed. "Urgh," he thought, "brains are disgusting."

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magnificent7
Sep 22, 2005

THUNDERDOME LOSER


Is it me or is there no prompt yet.

TLDR: prompt.

CantDecideOnAName
Jan 1, 2012

And I understand if you ask
Was this life,
was this all?


magnificent7 posted:

Is it me or is there no prompt yet.

TLDR: prompt.

There ain't no prompt yet cuz there ain't no judging yet.
fjgj

magnificent7
Sep 22, 2005

THUNDERDOME LOSER


CantDecideOnAName posted:

There ain't no prompt yet cuz there ain't no judging yet.
fjgj

How hard is it to go "Loved that one, hated that one, okay next round: pick one word for your theme but don't include it in your story."

Problem solved.

I'm a patient adult by the way.

BabyRyoga
May 21, 2001

THUNDERDOME LOSER

6th Anniversary Edition


Each entry is 3 stories to read though, right?

magnificent7
Sep 22, 2005

THUNDERDOME LOSER


BabyRyoga posted:

Each entry is 3 stories to read though, right?
What holyshit I've been away for awhile.

Exmond
May 31, 2007


im doin it ma im writing

THUNDERDOME


magnificent7 posted:

What holyshit I've been away for awhile.

In order to make sure the writer followed the prompt the judges have to read the 2 stories the writer was assigned.

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


Blood Empress of Thunderdome

Tap to emit spores


Clapping Larry

lmao the judges have to read 60 terrible stories, it's like wizard week 1 only 2/3 of the stories are providing a lovely origin story for this week's lovely stories

magnificent7
Sep 22, 2005

THUNDERDOME LOSER


Thoughts and prayers go out to the families and loved ones of those three judges.

derp
Jan 21, 2010


Lipstick Apathy

reading and writing is for dumb idiots

play a video game

Antivehicular
Dec 30, 2011

I won a rosette in the Thunderdome


sebmojo posted:

inter prompt: never eat anything bigger than your head

Nougat Ambition

I unwrap another Three Musketeers bar and drop the wrapper on top of the silver mountain next to the table. With a precision born from long practice, I slowly flatten and roll the bar into a thin sheet, chocolate shell crumbling into a thin scattering atop the growing surface area of pure, soft nougat; when I press it to the surface of the sphere, it melts in, adding a few millimeters of diameter. The sphere wobbles on its pedestal. It's close to a softball now, but when I pick it up to gauge its mass, it feels like a bowling ball in my hand.

"Never eat anything bigger than your head," Mother always told me, but she never said anything about density.

flerp
Feb 25, 2014


judgment

sebmojo posted:

Wild Yeast
800 words

The sky over Bruges was the color of cornflowers, and the sun was a blinding 20 franc coin someone had tossed up there and gotten it stuck. this isnt a bad sentence and i quite like calling the sky the color of cornflowers, not gonna lie, but as an opener it makes me think hmmmmm who even cares? is this the fabled "cut your first paragraph"???? i think it just might be.

It was brewing day so Maxime was pouring brown beer bottles full of water straight down the drain, one in each hand, gloop bloop. c now here im thinking ah the story seems to start so why is this not the first line? im also a bit of mind to think Gloop bloop should be its own sentence instead of attached to the one before it but idk im not an expert on gloop bloop

"Just like Friday night, eh?" said his father. Maxine smiled because it sounded like a joke, then handed him the two empty bottles to rack up next to the others. im not sure if this is the piss joke tbh The bleach smell made his nostrils sting.

"Brewing is all about cleanliness", said his father. "No contamination." He sucked in a big gust of air, straining it through his moustache like a whale extracting krill slowly_nodding.gif, and plunged two more bottles into the hot sterilising liquid, down, up.

Maxime took the two full bottles, covered in bubbly bleach now u c this is a good adverb. something about the phrase bubbly bleach makes me go . it sounds good but its also a p cool image that i wouldnt normally attach to bleach. The sun in the little stone courtyard was hot, and he raised his arm to wipe the sweat off his forehead. The slippery wet bottle slithered out of his hand. He flung out his foot to stop it from hitting the cobblestones. Instead his foot clipped the bottle in the middle and sent it spinning away to smash against the wall in a thousand spinning shards.

"Klootzak!" yelled his father, face instantly purple. In a moment he was on his feet and towering over Maxime, fist cocked for the first blow.

To be fair, Maxime's father was full of so many hot words that it was only reasonable he had to let them out sometimes. Maxime knew to tiptoe when he'd been sitting at the kitchen table for an evening, the stack of brown bottles beside him growing. Sometimes that helped. But since Mama died the words had become angrier and the blows harder. yeah i mean this kinda stuff has been done a lot that im not rly sure its worth criticizing at this point but it feels kinda generic

Brewing is all about heat, i do like this tho, its a kind of weird transition but not a bad weird more of that nice "hmmm now that i think about it, it does make sense" weird thought Maxime later that evening. He was touching the lump on his head, gently, like stroking a mouse slowly_nodding.gif. Barley is malted with hot air, then soaked in hot water, then boiled with hops. The hot stone of the courtyard wall had met his head like a hammer after his father punched him.

Then, without having made anything he'd call a decision, he saw himself reaching under the bed for his suitcase, and filling it with things. Underpants, shirts, a wallet with some money, a picture of Mama. He tiptoed past his father, who didn't look up, and pushed the door closed behind him gently, like stroking a mouse for the last time im not quite sure about repeating this simile quite so soon after tho.

Twelve years later not quite sure about this time lapse but we'll c i guess Maxime was in a pub in London. It was late, and the air was hot. He held up his pint to illustrate a point he was making, something about beer - there was a girl with pretty eyes, they reminded him of someone . Someone was shouting at the other end of the bar, so he raised his voice.

"Brewing," he said, "it's all about the yeast. Got to be the right one. Very careful, very vigilant. Wild yeast. Floating. It's all around us," he said, gesturing. "But if you let it in, then, pfff." He spread his fingers wide, feeling a hot flush of delight at how her eyes drank him in. "Sour beer!" this is some kinda cute foreshadowing ngl but i also like the way you do this dialogue. it fits v well with a drunk person yelling in a bar to try to impress people

She smiled at him and started to say something but whatever it would have been was cut off by a flying pint glass that clipped her beautiful forehead in a spray of hot red and shattered into a thousand spinning shards. She dropped to the ground, heavy as a sack of grain.

Maxime was instantly suffused with a rage so pure and perfect it made his ears ring. Maxime saw the man who'd thrown the glass, saw his stupid mouth fall open. Without having made anything he'd call a decision, Maxime saw himself running towards the man, fist cocked for the first blow. The man put up arms to shield himself from the blow, and the pint glass Maxime was holding in his hands shattered on them, the sharp edges cutting a deep gash. The beer splattered over the man and over the floor. Maxime took another step and slipped on the wet floor, crashing down on the slick wood. The broken glass was still in his hands, and the floor rammed it into his throat as he fell. The broken glass made a slick, meaty sound as it entered. He gasped at the heat of his bubbling, frothing blood.

Brewing is all about patience, all about waiting to see what time, and heat, and yeast have made. It's not always what you want.

Still; what you get when the bottlecap finally pops off is always, and only, the sum of all the things that you put in.

hmmm im not quite sure i like where this story ended up. i was feeling the beginning a bit but the ending seems to come a bit too quickly. wouldve liked either a build-up to a more pronounced conclusion of the first bit with the dad, or more build up to the actual ending. i c what u were trying to do but in the space of 800 words i feel like both of these events arent given enough justice which is a shame because i think there's a lot in each we can get out of it. i liked all of it but i felt like it needed more room in order to fully come together

i like some of the ideas tho, esp w/ how the language of how the dad hit maxime paralled how maxime hit the drunk dude. and the words themselves flow nicely. so yeah its p alright but with a couple more words i think all the pieces will hang together much more neatly.


Deltasquid posted:

Deltamojo Brawl

At the River Volkhov (719 words)

I remember Father Claes’ words when I considered joining the Flemish Legion im not the biggest fan of character remembering things (why not just have claes tell him it?) because i think it robs the story of action, and im def not a fan of it as a first line. “Good Christians, falling to their knees and thanking you for delivering their souls from the Soviets,” he promised. He reassured me that the nazis ok im p sure this is supposed to be capitalized were the lesser of two evils. At least they were believers.

And so I volunteered, to the Eastern Front.

Our tank was a converted Czech hand-me-down, prone to breaking down if you pushed it too hard, with metal plating thin enough that a well-placed rifle shot could pierce it. But it was all our division had. It used to scare me this is a bit telling ngl, but now I saw the T-34 tanks rolling down the hills, I almost felt at peace. When death is certain, panic seems undignified and petty.

Captain Reimond’s orders were barely audible over the engine’s bellowing. Artillery barrages crept along the Volkhov riverbanks. In the distance, a munitions depot exploded, colouring the winter mist orange. Projectiles from the Soviet tanks missed us by mere meters, but I zig-zagged us between the trees and snowy hills to close the distance for our underpowered gun. yeah idk how i feel about this this jsut feels like generic army description that i cant feel any real attachment

I heard Marcel load a round. “I gotta piss,” he added.

“Wait, what?” I said.

Reimond chuckled, “Don’t make me laugh. Makes it hard to aim.”

“Seriously, Marcel?”

“I am completely ser--”

A muzzle flash to our right. I slammed the brake on the right tracks, angling our armor just in time. The tank emitted a metallic groan.

“Ricochet!” Reimond yelled.

“drat, drat, Goddamn! Nevermind about me needing to piss!”

“Oh, lovely,” I laughed, “the smell will complement the sweat and diesel nicely.” at least the piss joke is more pronounced in this one

I circled the enemy tank with a sharp turn while Reimond cranked the turret handle. When we were squarely behind them, he fired. The hull erupted in a pillar of fire, flinging the turret into the snow.

Our celebrations were cut short by a shot from our left, hitting the tracks. Our tank spun out of control, rolling down the hillside, into a ditch between two rows of poplars.

I pulled myself back into the driver’s seat. “Well, then. Not the glorious last stand I was expecting,” I said.

“We’re not done yet,” Reimond said. Beads of sweat rolled down his cheeks until caught in his six-day beard not sure how i feel about this phrasing. getting caught in his beard idk feels wrong in some sense. Marcel loaded a second round with trembling hands, puffing through his red-flushed cheeks. His raspy, nasal breathing irritated me all the more now I had my hands free this a kind of interesting detail actually.

“Anything I can do, captain?”

“Just keep your eyes open. Whoever fired that shot will want to confirm his kill.”

A T-34 rounded the hill, and Reimond fired. The shell bounced off the front armor.

The Russians returned fire, their shot glancing off our side armor. Deafening reverberations echoed through the tank until the riveting gave up, scattering a buckshot of nuts and bolts through the interior. Behind me, Reimond slumped from his chair and Marcel screamed, clutching his bleeding forehead.

I crawled over them to reach for a jerrycan of diesel. With my free hand, I opened the hot exhaust valve, cursing the scorching heat on my fingertips, then dumped as much fuel into the exhaust as I could. The tank belched forth thick, black clouds which carpeted the land. Helped by Marcel, I dragged Reimond out of the tank through the back hatch, and we ran through the obsidian smog until I slipped down an unseen incline.

Pain seared through my ankle and we tumbled into some shrubs next to the riverbank. Pistol in hand, I lay in wait, ready to fire on the first Soviet to stumble upon us. But they never did. On both sides of the river, tanks and infantry pressed on, pushing our comrades further and further towards Leningrad, until dawn broke the cold air. We were alone.

“Now what, captain?” I said.

When no answer came, I turned, only to see Reimond and Marcel face-down in the snow. Their skin was cold to the touch, and I stopped myself from turning them on their backs. Better this way.

I tried standing up, but collapsed in misery when I put weight on my left foot. On hands and knees this time, I crawled up the riverbank’s incline, towards the smoldering wreck of our tank.

Propping myself up against a poplar tree, I watched the flames dance across the tank’s remains.

“There are no good Christians here, Father.”

hmmm this is an adequate war story about death and poo poo but its also one that ive read or seen or heard about in approx a million different interations. like its not bad i aint gonna say that but theres nothing particularly here that makes this stick out of my head. its like yeah boy ok its a war story but like so what? what makes it ur war story that makes it different from all the twenty billion WWII stories that are already out there

i mean on a technical level its quite ok. nothing stands out to me from either end of the good-bad spectrum, so while i dont have much to complain about i dont have much to say "whoa holy poo poo thats cool." and i mean thats fine and hell even in some brawls that nets the win but mojo knows his way around a story that when the biggest compliment i can give to your story is "it doesnt suck" when thats not enough unforunately

i reread both of these stories with the intention of "ok im gonna look at this more closely and see if any words rly stand out to me" and when i looked at yours i just, i kept saying the same thing in my head "this is completely normal." like its just another war story, on the structural end and the prose end and on the character end. like esp your characters, theyre just generic soldiers w/ not a whole lot of unique personality. and its like, ok, thats fine, but it doesnt rly impress me at all or entertain me that much because its like okay why should i read this over any other war story and i think for this question is uhhhhh there really isnt any reason


seb wins

Deltasquid
Apr 10, 2013

awww...
you guys made me ink!


THUNDERDOME


Thanks for the crit.

Sebmojo, you've earned your right to make as many piss jokes as you like.

Aesclepia
Dec 5, 2013
Next verse same as the first.

magnificent7 posted:

Thoughts and prayers go out to the families and loved ones of those three judges.

Indeed! They fought bravely and shall be remembered for all time, the judges who list themselves during The poo poo Bowl 2017.

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010



Legit Cyberpunk

you can't spell 'thoughts and prayers fjgj' without 'fjgj'

flerp
Feb 25, 2014


sebmojo posted:

you can't spell 'thoughts and prayers fjgj' without 'fjgj'

watch me

The Saddest Rhino
Apr 29, 2009

I could hear the roots of loneliness creeping through me when the world was hushed at four o'clock in the morning


me reading your bad words

crabrock
Aug 2, 2002

aka sticklegs



Grimey Drawer

results for week 277

yo yo yo. you guys did a thing. you took a bunch of bad words and made them..... good words?!? somehow you took all those poop nuggets and shined them up real good. almost every story was more pleasurable to read than the source material! You have saved our timeline!

but there are always the weak links... the people that hold us back from achieving a truly enlightened society, and drag us back down to a worser timeline. not the worst, but could be better. BabyRyoga took his two DMs and then.... kept almost everything the same and wrote a sequel to both where the characters existed in the same time line or something and then he also was mean to a cow? it's not 100% clear, but what IS clear is that he earned this weeks solitary dishonorable mention, cause boy howdy he was real close to losing this week. That dishonor instead goes to 8x 9x thunderdome loser Jay W. Friks who wrote a tale so bad that the 1980s called and threatened to sue us if we didn't C&D.

Anyway, with that out of the way, we move onto happier times. There were a lot of well-written stories that really pulled their source material up out of the gutter and gave it a sweet little kiss on its gutter-oil smeared cheek. However, only a few really stood out above the swampy high-middle. Tyrannosaurus wrote a fun little tale about some robots at the end of the world, but just narrowly failed to stick the landing. It was just a small wobble, but the judges noticed. Flerp took an amazingly bad story and made it almost good, yet still a little creepy anime, borrowing more heavily from one story than the other.

One of you took an absolute shitshow of a story, one of my least favorite dome stories, and managed to turn it around. Honestly when the RNG gave Benny the Snake's worthless rapey story to this guy, i thought he was hosed. However, Fumblemouse wrote a really stirring piece that captured that creepy, helpless feeling of sex with a weird alien who won't stop being a weird creep and mashed it up with an alien genocide epistolary.

Fumblemouse, take the wheel. *closes eyes and jumps from moving vehicle*



SH & UP get a DQ for late and over wordcount, respectively

Sham bam bamina!
Nov 6, 2012

ƨtupid cat


Gravy Boat 2k

Quick crits. Line-by-lines for the first five who ask.

Exmond - "Coming Out"
This is just the first story in the prompt with a token name-drop from the second story in the prompt, and it's worse. I actually like the original's mock-serious presentation of ridiculous things, but this is just wacky wacky wacky all the way through while only rarely managing actual comedy (good joke: Mom, the Jacksons, and their dog). On the other hand, it's lightweight enough to at least go down smoothly.
4/10
DID NOT PROOFREAD

Uranium Phoenix - "Once More Through the Breach"
This is all exposition and technobabble. Characters exist to tell each other about action and intrigue that happened before the story's start. "The Infested" are video game enemies. In fact, the whole thing feels like a cutscene. Someone with three wins under their belt should do better than this. Also, "hoovered"???
3/10
DID NOT PROOFREAD

Antivehicular - "Cowardice"
The Akaemon procedure. The Akaemon. The Akaemon procedure. Way too much of this very conspicuous proper noun to not be distracting. Other than that, good story. I like that the "inhumanity" of the centaurs is entirely socially imposed; you raise the interesting issue of how Arkwright will come to terms with still being himself instead of being replaced by a soulless beast. To be honest, I'd rather read that story, but a prompt is a prompt.
7/10

BabyRyoga - "Emancipated"
Please tell me that I'm missing something here. Some turbo-rear end in a top hat in either the Roman Empire or a weird future Roman Empire wanders into a crazy science experiment, kills the scientist and gets his own horse killed saving him (and reacts to that in the most turbo-rear end in a top hat way possible), and comes out of it all with a supernaturally granted "new lease on life"? gently caress that guy and gently caress this story. Also gently caress that line about the sun; it could have come out of "The Eye of Argon".
1/10

sparksbloom - "The Mushroom-Consciousness"
Ridiculous but not bad. Putting it in the first person does a lot to keep me from immediately hating this dippy hippie like I hate all the obnoxious burnouts around him (her?). The catapult was great, but you wated <- God dammit I could have sworn I fixed that before I hit post the impact it could have had by introducing it when you did. Either set it up subtly at the beginning of the story and then spring it on me at the end, or just blindside me with it at the moment when poo poo gets real; putting it right in the middle doesn't do anything except let me see the ending coming before it actually happens.
6/10

Jay W. Friks - "Witch Hunt 86' "
The year is 1986, not 8619. What purpose do you imagine an apostrophe to have? I hate this insane little detail of your title almost as much as I hate your insane treatment of a very serious topic. This somehow manages to be a worse presentation of gay issues than the story in the prompt, a perversely impressive accomplishment. There's also that line about Hitler's homeroom teacher, which is absurd in so many ways that I could write an entire crit about it alone.
1/10
DID NOT PROOFREAD

Tyrannnosaurus - "The Good News"
Nice, although it barely follows the prompt. A pretty standard post-nuke story, but it's firing on all cylinders. The way you gave it a soundtrack makes it hard to not imagine it as a short film, and I think it would work well as one. Aside from the tenuous connections to the source materials, the only thing I really take issue with is right at the end: Capitalizing "the Good News" makes me think the lieutenant is sending his robot out with a tract, and "I'm not alone" is a very limp reaction to finding out that the entire human race isn't extinct.
7/10

CantDecideOnAName - "Machine in the Ghost"
Pretty cool. I've seen the "human botnet" premise before (although I can't remember where), and the delivery vector is pure Snow Crash, but that doesn't mean that this doesn't - mostly - work. It's ominous and mysterious, ramping up in a way that pulls the story along... and then it hits the ending and just fizzles out. PARROT doesn't have much of an agenda; it would be one thing if it subjugated humanity for its own ends, another if it ushered in some transhuman utopia, but this just sits somewhere in the middle. And I guess that's a realistic way to look at this, which is admirable in a way and would be worth exploring in a story of its own, but being so inconclusive keeps it from being a satisfying end to this story. Except it's not even the end, since you follow it with a completely superfluous monologue.
A point off what should have been 7/10

Fumblemouse - "Secrets and Silence"
A sci-fi mind-meld story that actually works all the way through! Kinda reminds me of Octavia Butler or some other high-falutin' "SF" literature. The style is a little florid for my tastes, but other than that, great stuff.
8/10

Thranguy - "The Messenger and the Message"
Some kind of fantasy thing with elves? It doesn't say that they're elves, but don't tell me that humans are living in a place called "Leaftop". It's OK, I guess. It finishes at what feels like the midpoint, all setup before yoinking away the payoff. The aphasia is kind of a cute way to follow the prompt but seems pointless to the story. That said, it reads all right and hints at enough interesting stuff about its little world to not be a waste of time.
5/10

apophenium - "By and By"
Gay guy finally gets a boyfriend, maybe. They hang out for a while, and he feels better than he did before. It's pleasant enough, but I'm disappointed that you turned such a gloriously goofy prompt into such an ordinary story.
A point off what would have been 7/10 in any other context

flerp - "I Still Don't Sleep Most Nights"
Short and... well, I don't want to say "sweet", but it sure is something. Creepily compelling. This is probably the most visually vivid story of the week, and it has a complex emotional foundation underneath the imagery. It is short, though.
8/10

Kaishai - "Sing, Canary"
This is the archetypal good Thunderdome story. Lots of dramatic emotion, rich descriptions, and a touch of magical realism or something. It's good, but it's good in a way that I feel like you can do in your sleep.
7/10

Aesclepia - "Breathe"
I feel like I should have an easier time understanding this than I do. Sharon has a VR implant that turns reality into a semi-hallucination (complicated by her own PTSD flashbacks), and there's an attack in a subway followed by a crash. That much I get, but what's the context? VR wars? Maimer bombs? Huh? I can't piece together much at all of why any of this is happening, and God knows I've been trying. Take my motivation to find out as a compliment.
6/10

SurreptitiousMuffin - "Mercury Ascendant"
I refuse to give you the satisfaction of condemnation, especially since this isn't even that terrible.
5/10

Yoruichi - "Last Ride"
Why is the afterlife always so dry and bureaucratic? I kinda like the heist that led to this, but if I never see another lobby or receptionist for the deceased, it'll be too soon. Also, while Adam Carolla isn't the greatest guy around, I wouldn't call him a piece of poo poo either.
5/10
DID NOT PROOFREAD

BeefSupreme - "Take"
Boy oh boy, this is a dreary story. But not bad! This is full of evocative pictures of grief and how it's consumed Ben. My favorite was the fourth paragraph, but they're all good. On the other hand, they're all grief, and even though Ben does get out and go to the gym to climb, he's basically in the same emotional state all the way to the end (or the penultimate lines, if I give his hesitation with the chalk a very charitable interpretation). There's no sense of development or growth, no underlying motion in this character to drive the story about this character; after about the halfway point, I found myself tiring of sad, miserable things that I would have praised on their own. This works insofar as it gets me to sympathize with Ben in his pain, but that shouldn't be literally all it does.
6/10, plus one point for the laundry bit

sebmojo - "Facetime"
Cute, and a fun way to fit the prompt, but overtly flippant in a way that undercuts the cleverness of the scenario. The ending is so farcical that it makes the whole thing feel pointless.
6/10

Dr. Kloctopussy - "Birthdays"
This is the kind of crap that I write when I put everything off until the deadline - a chain of disjointed half-scenes punctuated by dingbats, in service to a weird idea that you've run full-tilt with. I can't tell if I like that or really hate it. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt.
6/10, which includes a bonus point for not calling amanita mushrooms psilocybin like the doof in your prompt
DID NOT PROOFREAD

Sitting Here - "Ward"
Wizard guy turns into a ghost because of magic. Hard to focus on the story wreathed 'twixt all the fantasy names, wizard jargon, and babbling about ravens. Ending line makes me think of the Stephen King thread in The Book Barn. I'm being lazy with this one because the story was disqualified anyway and I had to slog through 19 other entries to get to it. Sorry.
5/10

Sham bam bamina! fucked around with this message at Nov 29, 2017 around 06:07

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013




lol

crabrock
Aug 2, 2002

aka sticklegs



Grimey Drawer

week 277 crits part 1:

google docs link

Exmond - Coming Out
Uranium Phoenix - Once More Through the Breach
Antivehicular - Cowardice
Baby Ryoga - Emancipated
Sparksbloom - The Mushroom-Consciousness
Jay W. Friks - Witch Hunt ‘86
Tyrannosaurs - The Good News
CantDecideOnAName - Machine in the Ghost
Fumblemouse - Secrets and Silence

Antivehicular
Dec 30, 2011

I won a rosette in the Thunderdome


Thanks for crits!

BabyRyoga
May 21, 2001

THUNDERDOME LOSER

6th Anniversary Edition


Thanks for your hard work with those crits. I'm having a rough time, but no quitting.

Thranguy
Apr 21, 2010

'Read over your compositions, and when you meet a passage which you think is particularly fine, strike it out.' -Samuel Johnson

crabrock
Aug 2, 2002

aka sticklegs



Grimey Drawer

BabyRyoga posted:

Thanks for your hard work with those crits. I'm having a rough time, but no quitting.

to be fair, this prompt was always going to be really tough for writers who haven't yet learned to identify the themes/conventions that are worth keeping in their own stories. I.E. if you're struggling with writing your own words, it's going to be hard to rescue somebody else's.

Exmond
May 31, 2007


im doin it ma im writing

THUNDERDOME


Thank you for the crits (and holy crap the graph is USEFUL!)

I think I'm on a "mediocre" writer streak!

Jay W. Friks
Oct 4, 2016

Six of one, half dozen of another.

Grimey Drawer

P-sychic R-esurrection O-f M-odified P-eculiar T-ales


edit: that's what the second P should be I think.

Jay W. Friks fucked around with this message at Nov 29, 2017 around 08:09

Yoruichi
Sep 21, 2017

Time for tea and Thunderdome

PROMPT
/prɒm(p)t/
Adjective

"Done without delay; immediate."

crabrock
Aug 2, 2002

aka sticklegs



Grimey Drawer

nice

Edited out screen shot because fmouse did the same one below

crabrock fucked around with this message at Dec 2, 2017 around 20:23

Fumblemouse
Mar 21, 2013


STANDARD
DEVIANT


Grimey Drawer

PROMPT - Get Your (Self-Improving) Freak On

Well, gently caress. It's been a while since I sat atop the bloody and mutilated corpses of my foes wearing nothing but a mouse-related fursuit and the personal fragrance of victory. This is, however, the tenth time ever, so I'm going to celebrate double figures by indulging myself a little. Because...



...well, gently caress.

So enough about my glorious, perfect ascent from the depths of losertarhood to throne of spikey bone by naught but my own bootstraps and the empowering, yet festering, hatred of my family for the time I spent crying over my laptop and throwing empty bottles at them.

In the spirit of that liquor-soaked bitterness - This week you will be penalized for writing a clear story in which someone wants something, has difficulty getting it, and then gets it (or doesn't).

Instead you are free to write whatever other kind of prose you like so long as it's interesting and meaningful, coherent things happen.

You might try a conflictless narrative structure

You might try a Gene Wolf style where the reader has to puzzle out what the gently caress is going on - but every necessary hint is there (and it better be there! This isn't an excuse to just wank)

Or you might try having a crack at the weird thing you've always wanted to do but thunderdome just never had the right prompt.

The only thing do you have to do is state when you sign up "Here is a writing aspect I am bad at." Your piece will show that you can, in fact, do it without sucking.

You have 1000 words and nothing to lose but the prison of others' expectations.

Judges
Me:
Someone Else:
Someone Else Else:

Signup: Friday 11:59 EST
Closedown: Sunday 11:59 EST

The Brave and the Bolded (thing that they suck at)

Crabrock - giving physical descriptions of characters and setting
Jay W Friks - being clear about the setting
Flerp - making setting meaningful and impactful
Antivehicular - omniscient narration / POVs that aren't stuck in somebody's head
SebMojo - starting before the last minute and having a rushed ending
Fuubi - getting to the point
Electic Owl - coherent structure
Magnificent7- endings
Sparksbloom - light, fun, but grounded
SteelToedSneakers - satisfactory endings
Thranguy - delivering huge chunks of exposition without losing/boring readers
Yoriuchi - writing characters that aren't just outlines of people
God over Djinn - depicting happiness/safety/comfort/love/anything other than the grimdark miserable slogging present
Tyrannosaurus - nonfiction without much dialogue
Uranium Phoenix - keeping stuff short and writing good characters


Fumblemouse fucked around with this message at Dec 4, 2017 around 06:48

crabrock
Aug 2, 2002

aka sticklegs



Grimey Drawer

in, i am bad at giving physical descriptions of characters and settings, choosing to hide in the ambiguity of the everyman/everyplace.

Jay W. Friks
Oct 4, 2016

Six of one, half dozen of another.

Grimey Drawer

In "I am bad at being clear about the setting." (Did I do that right?)

flerp
Feb 25, 2014


in, im bad at making my setting meaningful and impactful

Antivehicular
Dec 30, 2011

I won a rosette in the Thunderdome


In!

I'm really bad at omniscient narration / POVs that aren't stuck in somebody's head. Let's fix that.

Chairchucker
Nov 14, 2006

The man was stunningly well dressed. He had a smart looking jacket, and a really neat looking cape, the lining of which was shimmering and sparkling in more than Oriental splendour, which is a great deal of splendour indeed, just ask Kipling.

Hi just dropping by to say gj with crits T-Rex and also I read and kinda enjoyed Exmond's story OK thanks for reading bye.

Chairchucker fucked around with this message at Nov 29, 2017 around 09:41

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010



Legit Cyberpunk

aw poo poo Candace Cameron and the setup was funny because having bad at starting before the last minute and having a rushed ending a good day and asked me to be on 6th and the setup was funny because having to keep track of two phones will tax my slender organisational faculties to be a shock twist on the bus now, I think I'm probably being optimistic about hiding say to yourself in

sebmojo fucked around with this message at Nov 29, 2017 around 18:43

Fuubi
Jan 18, 2015

THUNDERDOME LOSER

In and I think I'll take 'I'm bad at getting to the point' for 500, Alex.

almost there
Sep 13, 2016



In with a

And, uhhh..., I haven't written enough to separate particular weaknesses from the mass of undifferentiated suck that spills from my fingers, so, uhhh, I guess it's fair to say that writing a story that at least scans as a story rather than the schizophrenic aimless dream babble of my journal is probably a good goal. I suppose that makes coherent structure my greatest weakness? That, and accurately honing-in on my weaknesses as a writer are my greatest weaknesses as a writer (I'm almost positive).

magnificent7
Sep 22, 2005

THUNDERDOME LOSER


Oh hell no why would I go IN with something I know I suck at? More importantly, what if I'm pretty sure I suck at it all?

In with bad with my endings.

The common thread of my crits, (most common I suppose?) "it looks like Mag7 got bored and just wrapped it up with no fucks given."

Feel free to correct me on that. Could be my outlandish similes, unbelievably stupid ideas, failure to turn anything in...

magnificent7 fucked around with this message at Nov 29, 2017 around 15:40

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sparksbloom
Apr 30, 2006


In.

I'm not great at writing light stories unless they cross the line into silly. This week I'm going to write something light, fun, but grounded.

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