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Djeser
Mar 22, 2013



sebmojo more like sebmodjo because he's a mod

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a new study bible!
Feb 1, 2009



BIG DICK NICK
A Philadelphia Legend
Fly Eagles Fly


more like sebmodno

because no

crabrock
Aug 2, 2002

aka sticklegs



Grimey Drawer

i'm gonna mod sass the gently caress out of this thread.

sebmojo is a big ol' butt

Entenzahn
Nov 15, 2012

What will you say when
your child asks:
why didn't you invest in
Thunderdome?


too dome for the uniform, too blue for the brothers

steeltoedsneakers
Jul 26, 2016


It all changed when they gave the sheriff a badge.

BeefSupreme
Sep 14, 2007

DOUBLE BEEF ACTION

I saw a bunch of new posts and thought, hey, maybe we got judgment and a new prompt

but no



just a bunch of goons

flerp
Feb 25, 2014


yeah these dang goon judges so slow + bad

SurreptitiousMuffin
Mar 21, 2010

I got it wrong. Look, I'm well aware I got it wrong and uh, I got it wrong.


hey if you're bored and wanna write there are always other options

Thranguy
Apr 21, 2010

'Read over your compositions, and when you meet a passage which you think is particularly fine, strike it out.' -Samuel Johnson

Day of Judgement

So, this was a very good week for stories. So good that there are no DMs to be given. But even in a strong week one story has to be the weakest:

Geth's Verdict of loss goes to No Gravitas for Two peas in a pod.

On the positive side, we deliver a Divine Verdict of HM to the following:
Or Something Like It by Djeser
Sand Caught in the Laughs by flerp
The Concrete Divide by Kenfucius
the woman OR the fools who came to drink in the dark by Surreptitious Muffin
and Change by Okua

And that leaves to Supreme Verdict of the week's Win, which goes to Uranium Phoenix for The Arena

BeefSupreme
Sep 14, 2007

DOUBLE BEEF ACTION

dammit people. learn to spell judgment.


the card even tells you how to spell it

Fuschia tude
Dec 26, 2004

THUNDERDOME LOSER



These were read in judgemode. I hope everyone remembers their title.

Interesting thing, in a week that could have been a slog, there was actually not much egregious. Even the long ones were not bad.

Weirdly enough, especially for a no-word-limit week, the most commonly recurring problem seemed to be too little exposition when it was actually warranted. Some of you took "show, don't tell" a little too seriously. Dropping the reader straight into a strange or nonobvious scenario can work, but probably not if you never give more than the vaguest hint about what's going on!

Two peas in a pod

This is just kind of odd. Too much pointless dialog, weird goofy narration that doesn't explain the situation at all, and an ending sentence that manages to pop a joke setup like a collapsing soufflé.

med-low


Change

Uh, hmm. Story of a girl on a trip with with her friend she has a crush on*, wrestling with his getting married in a few months, then giving up on any hope of the two of them.

I don't know. There's nothing wrong with this story grammatically, but it's all a kind of gray blandness. And there's really not much of a character arc to her, and certainly none to his.

*(Or does she? It's all so oblique it's hard to tell, but if not, there's even less to this story.)

Another judge just said it was a relationship with Susan instead, and in that case yeah, I can see things a bit more clearly. I still feel like this is too stingy with necessary clarifying details, though.

Confused meh


You Can’t Learn That On YouTube

Hunting newbie loses to a fight with a pig. OK. It seems like from the concept you might be going for a comedy, but nothing funny happens, and it's not described in an entertaining way. It all just happens, all the prose is perfunctory, and the outcome is blatantly obvious.

I actually just read a similar story by Jack London, To Build a Fire. Might be worth checking out to see what he does with it.

Also meh


Back to the Earth

Not bad. Not sure exactly about the whole scenario, could use some more explanation of exactly what is going on. Tiny communal farm trying to be self-sufficient but unable to get off the ground and bleeding members, something something criminal trial. Manages to convince the guy after a short time being kidnapped...?

med-high


Or Something Like It

All right, that was a nice story about fleshy umbilical puppet-people. A few minor usage errors here and there, but nothing egregious. Explained just enough about the scenario and didn't linger on unimportant details.

high


Sand Caught in the Laughs

Nice little sketch, evocative. The ending is vague and it's hard to tell exactly what happened there, but I'm sure that was intentional.

high


Concrete Divide

I figured from the word count this was going to be overly wordy, and it is. You can write a longer story in a no-limit prompt like this, obviously, but you didn't just do that. You used too many words to describe everything. I assume you're a new or recent entrant, because writing in limited-word weeks will help you improve economy of prose.

quote:

“Ah, he’s all right enough, Mick,” Kieran said, trying to mollify his friend.
That whole second phrase there is pointless, for instance, because his intent is obvious from his words. "Think of it like a screenplay/movie" as writing advice doesn't always work, there's certain things that only work in prose, but this isn't one of those cases. It can be a useful heuristic. It would help you avoid said bookisms and all these -ly adverbs. Adverbs aren't all bad, not even the -ly ones, necessarily! But these things draw attention to themselves, whereas dialog tags almost always want to disappear. Dialog should (ahem) speak for itself.

And lines like "The creeping paranoia within the Catholic communities in the aftermath of the civil rights protests grew more pervasive by the day" feel too obviously like "look at me, I did research!" And that ties back into the verbosity problem. Cutting words is a skill, and one I think you need to practice. Cut until it hurts, and then a little bit more. You might be able to cut your word count in half in a lot of places and still convey what you need, whether that's a plot beat or a world fact.

The story structure itself is not bad. It made more sense once I realized that Mick and Kieran switched their positions over the course of the story. I'm bad with names, so I'm not sure that's your fault. What really held you back here was the execution.

med-high


Interrupted



This is confusingly rendered and it took a second reading for me to figure out what is going on. Early on, is he at the apartment or at the hospital? I assume the latter is a flashback, but your writing makes it seem like it happens after the apartment. And you realize you switch to present tense at the end?

More importantly, I have no idea what the ending means or why he's doing it. Yes, it's a callback to the opening, but so what? What is it and why does it matter?

low


the woman OR the fools who came to drink the dark

Why is this an image

Formatting? The [pre] code lets you preserve formatting.

I really don't know how to compare this to the rest. It's all so vague and metaphorical I can hardly read it as a story.

??


The Sharing Economy

Cool idea, Uber John Malkovich. Ended better than I was expecting from the twist, but I'm not sure about the whole story. Nothing about it really popped; maybe it's the narration, it being so matter-of-fact. You do enough to characterize Ren that I think it would be much stronger written in her voice.

And a small quibble: the whole thing is told from Ren's POV, even if it's not in her voice, except in saying that Marlene showed Tom the O on her hand. Ren can't know that. It seemed jarring.

med-high


The Arena

Now here's an example of a long story where the extra words and details aren't extraneous.

Despite being as long as Concrete Divide, it was a much faster read. All the parts work together humming. Even if the ending is obvious from the first feather found, it was still a fun read.

high


God of War

"seems to have dulled my resistance"? From a first-person narrator? You should know, you don't have to guess.

In the Questions paragraph, you describe past events in the present tense. You're already writing in the present tense, you can use past for past, you don't even need to use past perfect like past tense stories do.

OK, that's a cute story. Starts out seeming like it might be a kind of quiet testament, slowly turns into pulp anti-nazi action.

med-high


Crystallization

That was nice, kind of elegant. Bit of a slow start, but I don't really have any nits to pick.

high


Hard To Blame Eve

Nice little story. I'm not sure about the ending; it seems a bit farfetched that everyone would take trades constantly. Also, how often do these offers get made?

med-high


The Moon in Capricorn

Ten bucks a day plus expenses is not much, especially for the 40s.

Decent noir story, but not enough betrayals or conspiracies imo. For a noir, it's way too straightforward. And for all the magitech in society, it doesn't play out any differently than a standard gangsters and guns noir story.

med


War Cry

Um. Smug woman defends self, wins court case. This is just bland, and if it's trying to make her look sympathetic, it doesn't. If it's trying to be a farce, well, it's not funny or insightful.

med-low


Backlash

Hmm. The story was very obvious and the protagonist is basically a cipher, with only a sketch of backstory to give him any meat at all. He doesn't do anything interesting with an army of swarming chainsaw drones, just attacks the headquarters? Even his revenge is boring.

med


Funerals are for the Living

This... isn't a story. Nobody here wants something and acts to achieve it. An adult takes in a child, I assume a relative, except oh no he doesn't he gets distracted on the way and stops in at work, which is a graveyard, the end. They don't even get home, the only thing that was supposed to happen, and not because they get waylaid or interrupted either. Everything is hanging unresolved at the end just as it was at the start, and nothing is explained.

This feels like chapter 2 of a novel. I have no idea what happened or what will happen and I have no reason to care about these characters. I couldn't tell you a single thing about either one, besides the unexplained new guardianship.

low


Last orders please

You do not use commas right, often.

Eh. Not bad, but it didn't grab me. The humor didn't really hit me, and the plot is thin enough that the story doesn't really hang together as a worthwhile thing if it's not amusing.

med


Not Gone West

I'm not sure why he's talking to the scarecrow. I guess it's kind of a displacement object, personifying his loss and despair. What exactly is going on at the end, why does she look at him hopefully when he laughs?

This is trying to be a meditation on death and futility, I assume. But it doesn't land for me, and without that there's essentially nothing at all happening in the action of the story to make up for it.

Med

Fuschia tude fucked around with this message at Feb 14, 2017 around 06:05

flerp
Feb 25, 2014


BeefSupreme posted:

dammit people. learn to spell judgment.


the card even tells you how to spell it

lol if u think we can spel

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013



If only Uranium Phoenix was as fast and good with their prompting as Fuschia tude was with their crits.

flerp
Feb 25, 2014


did somebody say prompt?

SurreptitiousMuffin
Mar 21, 2010

I got it wrong. Look, I'm well aware I got it wrong and uh, I got it wrong.


poetry is good

BeefSupreme
Sep 14, 2007

DOUBLE BEEF ACTION

dammit learn to spell pormpt

SurreptitiousMuffin
Mar 21, 2010

I got it wrong. Look, I'm well aware I got it wrong and uh, I got it wrong.


BeefSupreme posted:

dammit learn to spell pormpt
it's bad luck if you don't kiss me on Valentine's Day c'mere big boy

flerp
Feb 25, 2014


its not even valentines day yet ur gonna get cursed

BeefSupreme
Sep 14, 2007

DOUBLE BEEF ACTION

i could use some bad luck


and a prompt

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013



flerp posted:

its not even valentines day yet ur gonna get cursed

getting cursed by kissing flerp isn't a valentine's day special, it's a year-round deal

flerp
Feb 25, 2014


Djeser posted:

getting cursed by kissing flerp isn't a valentine's day special, it's a year-round deal

lol if u think people kiss me

BeefSupreme
Sep 14, 2007

DOUBLE BEEF ACTION

speaking of years its been 17 dog years since our last prompt

Bad Seafood
Dec 10, 2010

If you must blink, do it now.


People stopped kissing Flerp after they realized he wasn't turning into a prince.

SkaAndScreenplays
Dec 11, 2013

by FactsAreUseless


Djeser posted:

getting cursed by kissing flerp isn't a valentine's day special, it's a year-round deal

Herpes Simplex A is a virus... not a curse...

Uranium Phoenix
Jun 20, 2007


RADIOACTIVE DUST SURGE DETECTED



Thunderdome Week #CCXXXVII: A Way for the Cosmos To Know Itself

Science fiction is not really about predicting the future. It may occasionally seem to precede technology with concept, but it’s record of prediction is really just awful. It’s more of a way to explore things, like different ways people and society could be, investigate questions of ethics, and explore human nature.

  • Your story should feature an extraterrestrial. It should not be humanoid, because aliens aren't going to be anything like humans, and humanoid aliens are boring. Through this extraterrestrial—and it could be a thing just as much as an organism—explore something about people. Your story should probably challenge some assumptions, and explore something interesting. Hopefully this is specific yet vague enough to inspire something. Note: Your story does not actually need to be sci-fi. It could be a medieval mystery, or a myth, or a western, I don’t care. The extraterrestrial thing might not even be super obvious.

  • Extra rule: Your protagonist should not die at the end of the story. Break this rule at your own peril.
  • Word limit: 5000 words. Feel free to go way shorter, I don’t think most people will need that many.
Regular rules of no erotica, fanfiction, rants, etc.

Flash inspiration: Can’t think of something neat to base your extraterrestrial off of? Request a critter and I will give you a picture of some weird-rear end organism on Earth to inspire you. Use it! Or don’t.

***
Deadlines: Signups close 11:59 PM Friday Pacific Time. Submissions close 11:59 PM Sunday Pacific Time.

Judges:
*Uranium Phoenix
-sparksbloom
-sebmojo

Sentient Stardust:
-flerp
-Dr. Kloctopussy (with critter!)
-SkaAndScreenplays (with toxx)
-Thranguy (with critter!)
-Jay W. Friks
-SurreptitiousMuffin
-BeefSupreme
-Djeser (with toxx)
-newtestleper (with toxx and critter!)
-Okua (with critter!)
-Obliterati
-Metrofreak (with critter!)
-Hawklad (with critter!)
-a new study bible! (with critter!)
-The Cut of Your Jib
-Solitair (with critter!)
-GenJoe
-Twiggymouse
-Deltasquid (with critter!)
-Killer-of-Lawyers (with toxx)
-Chernabog
-llamaguccii (with toxx and critter!)

Uranium Phoenix fucked around with this message at Feb 17, 2017 around 23:48

flerp
Feb 25, 2014


in

Dr. Kloctopussy
Apr 22, 2003


In and I want a critter

SurreptitiousMuffin
Mar 21, 2010

I got it wrong. Look, I'm well aware I got it wrong and uh, I got it wrong.


not a rule, just a suggestion because I've judged similar weeks


like, a solid half of the people are gonna write about Jesus being an alien trying to intercede in our development. Jesus, or Mozart, or Tesla etc etc

if you write a story where a historical figure turns out to be an alien trying to intercede in humanity's development so as to help us elude the cataclysm that befell his own race, then the judges are gonna loving hate you

Uranium Phoenix
Jun 20, 2007


RADIOACTIVE DUST SURGE DETECTED


Dr. Kloctopussy posted:

In and I want a critter

You get the peacock mantis shrimp!

Only registered members can see post attachments!

SkaAndScreenplays
Dec 11, 2013

by FactsAreUseless


IN & for my recidivistic tendencies towards failure lately.

I am very happy this prompt came up...

(USER WAS BANNED FOR THIS POST)

SkaAndScreenplays fucked around with this message at Feb 14, 2017 around 08:01

Uranium Phoenix
Jun 20, 2007


RADIOACTIVE DUST SURGE DETECTED


SurreptitiousMuffin posted:

if you write a story where a historical figure turns out to be an alien trying to intercede in humanity's development so as to help us elude the cataclysm that befell his own race, then the judges are gonna loving hate you
Correct!

Also if aliens turn out to be responsible for almost all major technology and there's like an orb that just helps people invent cell phones and the internet I will send cyborgs to hunt you down irl.

Thranguy
Apr 21, 2010

'Read over your compositions, and when you meet a passage which you think is particularly fine, strike it out.' -Samuel Johnson

in and flash critter me.

Jay W. Friks
Oct 4, 2016

Six of one, half dozen of another.

Grimey Drawer

Alie-in

flerp
Feb 25, 2014


SurreptitiousMuffin posted:

not a rule, just a suggestion because I've judged similar weeks


like, a solid half of the people are gonna write about Jesus being an alien trying to intercede in our development. Jesus, or Mozart, or Tesla etc etc

if you write a story where a historical figure turns out to be an alien trying to intercede in humanity's development so as to help us elude the cataclysm that befell his own race, then the judges are gonna loving hate you

cool i really appreciate the advice

Jay W. Friks
Oct 4, 2016

Six of one, half dozen of another.

Grimey Drawer

It's about time I got my loser portrait.

Uranium Phoenix
Jun 20, 2007


RADIOACTIVE DUST SURGE DETECTED


Thranguy posted:

in and flash critter me.

You get Ophiocordyceps unilateralis (zombie fungus)!

SkaAndScreenplays
Dec 11, 2013

by FactsAreUseless


SurreptitiousMuffin posted:

not a rule, just a suggestion because I've judged similar weeks


like, a solid half of the people are gonna write about Jesus being an alien trying to intercede in our development. Jesus, or Mozart, or Tesla etc etc

if you write a story where a historical figure turns out to be an alien trying to intercede in humanity's development so as to help us elude the cataclysm that befell his own race, then the judges are gonna loving hate you

SEE ALSO: NO FANFICTION

SurreptitiousMuffin
Mar 21, 2010

I got it wrong. Look, I'm well aware I got it wrong and uh, I got it wrong.


flerp posted:

cool i really appreciate the advice
u need all the help u can get friend

in

BeefSupreme
Sep 14, 2007

DOUBLE BEEF ACTION

Men go abroad to wonder at the heights of mountains, at the huge waves of the sea, at the long courses of the rivers, at the vast compass of the ocean, at the circular motions of the stars, and they pass by themselves without wondering.

So sayeth Saint AugustINe.

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dreadmojo
Oct 23, 2010



Legit Cyberpunk

SkaAndScreenplays posted:

IN & for my recidivistic tendencies towards failure lately.

I am very happy this prompt came up...

EDIT:
Do I get an extra-magical fuckup avatar for managing to be the loser twice in a single prompt?

dont beg

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