Register a SA Forums Account here!
JOINING THE SA FORUMS WILL REMOVE THIS BIG AD, THE ANNOYING UNDERLINED ADS, AND STUPID INTERSTITIAL ADS!!!

You can: log in, read the tech support FAQ, or request your lost password. This dumb message (and those ads) will appear on every screen until you register! Get rid of this crap by registering your own SA Forums Account and joining roughly 150,000 Goons, for the one-time price of $9.95! We charge money because it costs us $3,400 per month for bandwidth bills alone, and since we don't believe in shoving popup ads to our registered users, we try to make the money back through forum registrations.
«118 »
  • Post
  • Reply
Fleta Mcgurn
Oct 5, 2003

Who has two thumbs, speaks limited French, and hasn't cried once today? This moi!



You're like three minutes late, farchanter, I will pretend you are not.

Adbot
ADBOT LOVES YOU

Farchanter
Jun 15, 2008


Fleta Mcgurn posted:

You're like three minutes late, farchanter, I will pretend you are not.

I sincerely appreciate this

Jay W. Friks
Oct 4, 2016

Six of one, half dozen of another.

Grimey Drawer

Crit for Week #260“To Be Less Than a Queen” By Flerp

This story reminds me of fables like “Bluebeard” or “The Emperor's New Clothes” as I can imagine for the most part it being told as a story from long ago, so long ago that the royalty within it is its own character and no one needs a name. This is how I read it at first.

If you were going for that “There once a was a king” vibe, you succeed in it halfway with this story. When it comes to stories, I like Grimm's fairy tales and Aesop's Fables just as much as modern day stuff. It’s like, I can watch the Twilight Zone and still be affected even though its plots and narrative structures have been repeated numerous times since it was regularly airing. There’s something about classic forms of storytelling that still makes me want to hear the rest of the tale which to me, is the most important part of any story.

The problems I see in this tale is that it gets halfway to being a simple fable but stumbles on mental musings that are left unfinished and unexplained. The baron is paranoid, that much is fine, there’s plenty of kings in fairy tales who are crazed or mad, but there is usually a reason.

Bluebeard had an obsession with his privacy, the Sultan from One Thousand and One Nights ritually killed his wives because his first one was unfaithful, the Emperor wore no clothes because his vanity overrode his logic.

If the baron is ever to be important within the wife's recollections, there needs to be a reason, not an explanation, but a simple event that the wife might remember that explains his nature phobia.

On top of that, I don’t understand why the Baron is leaving, why he is beheaded, why his castle wasn’t routed immediately with his exit. These details already present about the baron being called away to the mainland distract me from the rest of the story. I’m more interested in him being worried about his wife back in the castle and the circumstances leading up to his exodus which leads me to confusion when the rest of the story is about the wife.

The idea of a queen left along in a castle (are there no servants after the baron leaves? I thought wanted to spare the servants and the wife by leaving? Where are they in the rest of the narrative?) musing over whether she could stay in opulence, despite its present meaninglessness, or return to her roots would make a good character study.

Seeing how she passes the time, her debating with herself about loyalty to the baron or to herself could prove to be an interesting inner conflict that could be allegorical to the castle’s unchanging interior in contrast to the changing world outside. That could be a good short story, but I’m so sure about a fable. Fables don’t take much time to dwell as they are written as they are usually told orally, rather than filled with sentences to describe every facet of a character.

In any case, the story is torn between this set up of a nearly empty castle, an abandoned queen and her paranoid husband which screams “fable” to me but instead goes into a half-effort exploration into the queen's relationship with her husband and her being originally from the nature that he despises.

When she leaves the castle, I don't ‘feel anything. It doesn’t seem like much time passes, or conflict of any real magnitude before she’s like “gently caress it”. And then the ending goes back to sounding like a fable “When people came back in the years since they searched the castle.

They tore through cupboard and dressers, grabbing old rings the baron had bought her. But they never found a body. Just a broken window and an open front door.”

this line sounds dramatic, like an ending to a melancholy folktale, but that’s not what preceded it. It's a line that comes off tacked on to try to wrap up two side by side stories into a lumpy present. Like a really nice bow on a crumpled paper bag.

There are some good setups here, considering how little is written about the Baron and how much there is about the Queen, I’d cut him out except as a memory. Don’t give him his own musings, let the Queen tell his story by telling hers. This might move you away from a fable into more of a traditional character study, but it's the thickest material here you got to work with.

Uranium Phoenix
Jun 20, 2007


RADIOACTIVE DUST SURGE DETECTED


I judge the above crit, like all crits, as "nice."

Speaking of judging, I've always thought that it should be good and fast. Or fast and good.

flerp
Feb 25, 2014


Uranium Phoenix posted:

I judge the above crit, like all crits, as "nice."

Speaking of judging, I've always thought that it should be good and fast. Or fast and good.

that reminds me of an old phrase, around four letters or something. cant remember how it goes tho

Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006

I failed to submit because I was so excited about New Zealander Tim Price winning the Burghley Horse Trials on the quirky but freakishly talented Ringwood Sky Boy

flerp posted:

that reminds me of an old phrase, around four letters or something. cant remember how it goes tho

FJGJ?

Fleta Mcgurn
Oct 5, 2003

Who has two thumbs, speaks limited French, and hasn't cried once today? This moi!




I don't get it, what does that m--

OH

Jay W. Friks
Oct 4, 2016

Six of one, half dozen of another.

Grimey Drawer

FJGJ

Fat Jesus Gobbled Jam

Fleta Mcgurn
Oct 5, 2003

Who has two thumbs, speaks limited French, and hasn't cried once today? This moi!



Just kidding.

JUDGING AND CRITS FOR WEEK 262!!!!!!!!

First of all, thanks to anyone who signed up or submitted this week. There were a lot of really batshit prompts because I am mostly a crazy person. I am very impressed. Our failures were magnificent7, Agent355, and Mercedes. I hope you all failed because you were having too much fun elsewhere, and not because of anything bad.

Second, let me introduce you to a wonderful little mechanic available in most word processors. It seems this is a little-known feature.

Third:

This was not a particularly strong week writing-wise, but it was a punch in the pussy in terms of how imaginative and creative you guys are. So without further blathering!

The winner is TYRANNOSAURUS for a completely engaging, exciting, and well-constructed time travel story. This was pretty unanimous, judgeywise. We both loved your snappy prose and sense of timing. I'd also like to give great, sticky love to our Hono(u)rable Mentions, Pippin (for one of the best-written stories with some of the most realistic dialogue) and farchanter (this was contentious, but eventually the strength of your imagery carried it through.) Great job, all.

Unfortunately, we've awarded two Dishonourable Mentions: fuubi for chucking in a half-baked mess and disappointing us terribly, and Thranguy for not making any sense. Both of these stories ultimately promised a lot and then failed to deliver. Please do pay attention to the link in point 2.

Finally, we award this week's loss to development for handing in a story that was as short on proper writing mechanics as it was on sense-makery.

"Losers," take heart- all three of your stories had a lot of potential and I hope you all come kick my rear end in the future.

To see various crits 'n comments, you can check out the Google doc here.

Thanks to everyone for their efforts. Tyrannosaurus, the throne is warm for you PORRRRRRRRRRRRRRMPFT

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013



i am skeleton prompting
      • [list]
      • [list]

[/list]
[/list]

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010


Legit Cyberpunk

*kramers into thread*

so that tyrannosaurus I've heard he's a slow prompter

Mercedes
Mar 7, 2006

"So you Jesus?"

"And you black?"

"Nigga prove it!"

And so Black Jesus turned water into a bucket of chicken. And He saw that it was good.


Well I heard he smells like mothballs.

flerp
Feb 25, 2014


sebmojo posted:

*kramers into thread*

so that tyrannosaurus I've heard he's a slow prompter

fast prompting uhhhhhhhhh good prompting?

Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006

I failed to submit because I was so excited about New Zealander Tim Price winning the Burghley Horse Trials on the quirky but freakishly talented Ringwood Sky Boy



I'm cribbing this week's title and concept from Daniel Jose Ruiz's article of the same name. Read the article. It's cool. For the prompt, you're going to write fantasy but you can't make it about white people, okay? It should probably be high fantasy if you're into semantics and subgenres but I mostly just want to read good words and not bad words. You don't have to include a dragon but you're writing with -250 words if you don't. You may substitute a similarly great creature of fantasy in lieu of a dragon and avoid the word deduction. Most importantly... don't forget to have fun!

Deadlines
Friday at midnight est for signups
Sunday at midnight est for submissions

Limits
1250 words
Poetry

Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006

I failed to submit because I was so excited about New Zealander Tim Price winning the Burghley Horse Trials on the quirky but freakishly talented Ringwood Sky Boy

Judge: me

Writers: Uranium Phoenix
Jay W. Friks
Wizgot
Fuubi
Sitting Here
Okua
Thranguy
Not Nipsy Russell
Djeser
unwantedplatypus
klapman
Flesnolk
SurreptitiousMuffin
sebmojo
Captain_Indigo
ThirdEmperor

Tyrannosaurus fucked around with this message at Aug 18, 2017 around 17:17

Uranium Phoenix
Jun 20, 2007


RADIOACTIVE DUST SURGE DETECTED


Yes, me writer. Me writer in.

Jay W. Friks
Oct 4, 2016

Six of one, half dozen of another.

Grimey Drawer

DragIn

Wizgot
Apr 25, 2014

"Don't be nice. Be good."


I'm in and because I am a filthy failure.

Chairchucker
Nov 14, 2006

The man was stunningly well dressed. He had a smart looking jacket, and a really neat looking cape, the lining of which was shimmering and sparkling in more than Oriental splendour, which is a great deal of splendour indeed, just ask Kipling.

Development posted:

Jericoh Juice
858 words


So it's meant to be 'Jericho', right? Not ideal to start off with what seems like is probably a typo.

The school year was rapidly approaching and Miranda had not gotten a new backpack yet. 

"Dad I need a new backpack." I'm already feeling like you should have more commas.

"But the one you have is perfectly good!Maybe a bit nitpicky but 'fine' might fit better than 'good' here imo And Elsa is on it!"

"But I want Moana! A perfectly reasonable position, to be fair, Moana owns bones and Elsa is super overrated. I'm team Miranda right now. And it needs to have motion activated lights and sparkles and-" Wait does any backpack ever have any of those things? Also, lots of exclamation marks so far.

"How about you check your savings? If you have enough you can buy whatever your little heart desires. Except drugs. No drugs."

“Dad, I’m 10.”

“Some 10 year olds do drugs!”

“Whatever!” Miranda rolled her eyes and trudged back up to her room.

“Hey, I mean it! Don’t do drugs!” Her dad yelled up the stairs.

Miranda slammed the door to her room and dumped the contents of her piggy bank on the desk. Meh. $10.76 and a few paper clips and lint balls that her 3-year-old brother contributed. I'd change this to 'brother had contributed', make it past perfect and stab anyone in the face who tells you that past tense is just fine. She counted the change three times, hoping to find a few more extra cents. How could she turn 10 dollars into the 100 Write the numbers out imo or so she'd need to be the hottest poo poo Maybe this is me being old and out of touch but that kinda cussing feels inconsistent with a Moana loving 10 year old. at middle school? Miranda ruffled her hair in frustration, scoffed and got ready for bed. 

The next morning, Miranda woke to the banging of pans as her Dad prepared breakfast downstairs. She sleepily made her way down and sulked at the kitchen counter.

“What’s wrong honey?”

“Life! It’s SO hard!” I'm not team Miranda anymore

“Oh~the hell is this punctuationwoe is me! I’m living so rough! My dad fully provides for me and gives me food, shelter and love! But life is so hard!” Her dad teased, draping a dish towel over his head and interlocking his fingers in a praying pose. “How will I ever afford the luxury of glitter?”

“Daaaaad. Stooop.”  

"Hey I got an idea.” Her dad pulled the towel off his head and started washing the dishes. “How about you do a lemonade stand? That way you can learn a thing or two about money and how hard it really is to make it."

"Dad, have you seen how expensive lemons are?"

"When I was your age, this lemonade stand video game was really popular. You could rip people off by diluting the recipe and adjusting the ratio of ingredients to maximize profit."

"But this is real life, not some retro video game!" Not gonna lie this story is p. boring so far, you could've gotten to this point with a lot less conversation.

"Have you even SEEN Whole Foods? People pay top dollar for watermelon juice! Coconut water! Fermented random cultures in a bottle!Exclamation marks! Stop it yo. All it takes is the right marketing and audience and you can sell almost anything."

“Whatever.” Miranda sighed and leafed through the local grocery flyer. After about 5 minutes, she scrambled upstairs and came back down with her backpack and a sweater. 

"Dad, I'm stepping out to the bulk store!" 'stepping out'? Yo this girl ain't 10

--

An hour later, Miranda returned and had set up large pots filled with water in the garage. She began pouring bags and bags of sugar and lentils into the pots. A large grin on her face appeared as she created a sign for her concession stand. 

‘Jerichosee you spelt it right here Juice, $3. Drink the secret concoction of the ancients!’

"What you do?" A tiny voice said.uncapitalise that 'a' and change 'said' to 'asked' imo

"Making plans to make money, Teddy." Miranda was too engrossed in her work to look up at her kid brother.

"Why?"

"Because I want to make money."
 
"How you make money?"

"By selling rich hipstersnot 10 some concoction I am making with lentils"full stop

"Why?"

"Because lentils are cheap and healthy and dad said I can rip people off this way and it's how to make money....by ripping people off."

"Why?"

"Because that's the education he got when he was my age. Some sort of game that was a life lesson. Only lemonade won't work now because of those crazy automated soda machines where you can pick like a million different flavors all in one and…and I need a niche." not a ten year old child

"Why?"

"Because I looked on Wikipedia and it said that Jesus probably ate lentils and now I'm gonna benefit."

"Oh ok. Does it taste like candy?"

"The whole point is to make this thing taste awful and refreshing. Because tasting bad means it's healthy. Like carrots. And celery. They taste like dirt and garbage and people love drinking juice with them in it. So no, it doesn’t taste like candy. Do you want to try a tiny bit?”

“Yes!!!”. lots of exclamation marks and then a full stop what are you doing

Miranda skimmed off some water from the soaked lentils and handed a spoonful to her eager brother.

“This tastes like sandbox.” Teddy stuck his tongue out and scraped his fingers against it. “Eugh!”

“Perfect.”

--

“Oh you’re very lucky! You’ve got the last cup!” Miranda doled out the last serving of Jericho Juice to a man in a black beanie and skinny jeans.

“Oh man I feel so woke after this!”this is dumb He exclaimed. “I can totes feel the healthy.”

--

“Where have you been young lady?”

“I took your advice dad. I made my own version of the lemonade stand and made $150 bucks.”

“What?!”

“Yeah, I bought these lentils…and soaked them in water…and added sugar…and sold the water for $3 a cup!”

“You did what?! You do know that lentils are toxic when they’re undercooked, right?”

“It’s ok dad, I’m doing the community a service. The only people that bought my drink were dirty annoying hipsters anyways.”

There's no story, you waste too much time on bland dialogue that serves little to no purpose. Your protagonist starts off being likeable by making the objectively correct choice of Moana over Elsa and then suddenly becomes an edgy teen who hates hipsters, a thing that is very un-ten-year-old. 'LOL hipsters' is not a story please don't do that again but please do enter again. Your words aren't terrible except that you don't use enough commas and you use too many exclamation marks and you're bad at writing children and you do a lot of things wrong with dialogue attribution but I feel like a story where you weren't just being mean spirited about hipsters might be worth reading, one about dragons maybe why not try that.

Fuubi
Jan 18, 2015

THUNDERDOME LOSER

Yay! Not a loss this time!

Fleta Mcgurn posted:

To see various crits 'n comments, you can check out the Google doc here.

Thx for the crit!

Also, I'm in.

Fuubi fucked around with this message at Aug 16, 2017 around 02:18

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


Blood Empress of Thunderdome

Tap to emit spores


Clapping Larry

gently caress it, in

e: good job fuubi, keep your eye on the prize

Okua
Oct 30, 2016


I'm IN.

Thranguy
Apr 21, 2010

'Read over your compositions, and when you meet a passage which you think is particularly fine, strike it out.' -Samuel Johnson

in

Fleta Mcgurn
Oct 5, 2003

Who has two thumbs, speaks limited French, and hasn't cried once today? This moi!



Just to clarify, we do have to write poetry, or we don't?

Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006

I failed to submit because I was so excited about New Zealander Tim Price winning the Burghley Horse Trials on the quirky but freakishly talented Ringwood Sky Boy

Don't write poetry.

Fleta Mcgurn
Oct 5, 2003

Who has two thumbs, speaks limited French, and hasn't cried once today? This moi!



Oh, thank god. In.

Not Nipsy Russell
Oct 6, 2004

Failure is always an option.


I've never done this before, but I'd like to be 'in'. How do I get 'in'?

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


Blood Empress of Thunderdome

Tap to emit spores


Clapping Larry

Not Nipsy Russell posted:

I've never done this before, but I'd like to be 'in'. How do I get 'in'?

you're in

don't fail

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013



sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010


Legit Cyberpunk

Not Nipsy Russell posted:

I've never done this before, but I'd like to be 'in'. How do I get 'in'?

you just did

Wizgot
Apr 25, 2014

"Don't be nice. Be good."


Not Nipsy Russell posted:

I've never done this before, but I'd like to be 'in'. How do I get 'in'?

Your avatar caption is very appropriate.

unwantedplatypus
Sep 6, 2012

THUNDERDOME LOSER

I need to write more, count me in for this

me

BeefSupreme
Sep 14, 2007

DOUBLE BEEF ACTION

Sitting Here posted:


Not Nipsy Russell" post="475441767 posted:

I've never done this before, but I'd like to be 'in'. How do I get 'in'?

you're in

don't fail

definitely don't fail--I don't care if you lose, just turn in a drat story or I will never forgive you

klapman
Aug 27, 2012

gamers rise up


Not Nipsy Russell posted:

I've never done this before, but I'd like to be 'in'. How do I get 'in'?

If you gently caress up, there's absolutely no coming back. Ever.


By the way I'm back and I'll write something, I'm drunk as gently caress right now but SH found me in a random GBS thread and I'll probably remember this in the morning. If I don't then I'm actively pretending I didn't notice and am, thus, a huge baby with no life/dick. Namaste

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


Blood Empress of Thunderdome

Tap to emit spores


Clapping Larry

klapman posted:

If you gently caress up, there's absolutely no coming back. Ever.


By the way I'm back and I'll write something, I'm drunk as gently caress right now but SH found me in a random GBS thread and I'll probably remember this in the morning. If I don't then I'm actively pretending I didn't notice and am, thus, a huge baby with no life/dick. Namaste

klapman
Aug 27, 2012

gamers rise up


Tyrannosaurus posted:



I'm cribbing this week's title and concept from Daniel Jose Ruiz's article of the same name. Read the article. It's cool. For the prompt, you're going to write fantasy but you can't make it about white people, okay? It should probably be high fantasy if you're into semantics and subgenres but I mostly just want to read good words and not bad words. You don't have to include a dragon but you're writing with -250 words if you don't. You may substitute a similarly great creature of fantasy in lieu of a dragon and avoid the word deduction. Most importantly... don't forget to have fun!

Deadlines
Friday at midnight est for signups
Sunday at midnight est for submissions

Limits
1250 words
Poetry

In as the proverbial "motherfucker". If I have two dragons do I get more words. thank you in advance

e: btw I still credit this thread, rightfully, as the thing that taught me that I'll is supposed to be spelled with a capital I. I seriously didn't know that until uhhh I forget his name but the dog avatar guy taught me. I'm very grateful and it looks much better anyways so thank you dog man.

e2: for the record I lost a star on TextBroker for using too many or too few commas so if anyone's specifically interested in critiquing my poo poo watch out for comma use because I'm a loving comma psychopath.

klapman fucked around with this message at Aug 17, 2017 around 07:17

Flesnolk
Apr 11, 2012

If only, THUNDERDOME


In.

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010


Legit Cyberpunk

klapman posted:

In as the proverbial "motherfucker". If I have two dragons do I get more words. thank you in advance

e: btw I still credit this thread, rightfully, as the thing that taught me that I'll is supposed to be spelled with a capital I. I seriously didn't know that until uhhh I forget his name but the dog avatar guy taught me. I'm very grateful and it looks much better anyways so thank you dog man.

e2: for the record I lost a star on TextBroker for using too many or too few commas so if anyone's specifically interested in critiquing my poo poo watch out for comma use because I'm a loving comma psychopath.

brb changing your name to comma psychopath

big scary monsters
Sep 2, 2011

-~Skullwave~-


Psycho comma, qu'est-ce que c'est?

Adbot
ADBOT LOVES YOU

Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006

I failed to submit because I was so excited about New Zealander Tim Price winning the Burghley Horse Trials on the quirky but freakishly talented Ringwood Sky Boy

klapman posted:

If I have two dragons do I get more words. thank you in advance

No but good question!

  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
  • Post
  • Reply
«118 »