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Killer-of-Lawyers
Apr 22, 2008


In.

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Killer-of-Lawyers
Apr 22, 2008


*snip*

Killer-of-Lawyers fucked around with this message at Jan 3, 2018 around 03:55

Killer-of-Lawyers
Apr 22, 2008


In.

Killer-of-Lawyers
Apr 22, 2008


In and

Killer-of-Lawyers
Apr 22, 2008


*snip*

Killer-of-Lawyers fucked around with this message at Jan 3, 2018 around 03:55

Killer-of-Lawyers
Apr 22, 2008


In.

Killer-of-Lawyers
Apr 22, 2008


Oh, sorry. I only can type words.

Killer-of-Lawyers
Apr 22, 2008


Thank you for the crits!

Killer-of-Lawyers
Apr 22, 2008


In.

Killer-of-Lawyers
Apr 22, 2008


*snip*

Killer-of-Lawyers fucked around with this message at Jan 3, 2018 around 03:58

Killer-of-Lawyers
Apr 22, 2008


Hawklad posted:

Crit for Many Beasts (Killer-of-Lawyers) Week 239

I think I see what you are trying to do here. The battle itself is nothing compared the Sorceress's battle to keep her real feelings for the Knight hidden. You drop little clues about this throughout the piece effectively, which builds the reader's curiosity, but then too much time is spent describing the fight. Why waste time (other than to hit the prompt) blocking out this battle with the beast when you establish right away that the beast has no chance. I'm guessing you made the battle with the Beast so easy so that it would contrast with her struggle/inability to fight the feelings she has for the Knight (hence her internal struggle, the lies, the drinking). But as a result too many words are used to describe the physical battle which isn't the central conflict here. I was not a fan of how obviously you spelled things out at the end. I would suggest trying to weave that revelation back into the story rather than dumping it into the final lines. Overall I liked the piece,though, and think it has potential.

Thank you for the crit!

Killer-of-Lawyers
Apr 22, 2008


In.

Killer-of-Lawyers
Apr 22, 2008


In and this time.

Killer-of-Lawyers
Apr 22, 2008


*snip*

Killer-of-Lawyers fucked around with this message at Jan 3, 2018 around 03:58

Killer-of-Lawyers
Apr 22, 2008


In with GAD.

Killer-of-Lawyers
Apr 22, 2008


*snip*

Killer-of-Lawyers fucked around with this message at Jan 3, 2018 around 03:59

Killer-of-Lawyers
Apr 22, 2008


In.

Killer-of-Lawyers
Apr 22, 2008


In and

Killer-of-Lawyers fucked around with this message at May 17, 2017 around 04:31

Killer-of-Lawyers
Apr 22, 2008


*snip*

Killer-of-Lawyers fucked around with this message at Jan 3, 2018 around 03:59

Killer-of-Lawyers
Apr 22, 2008


In!

Killer-of-Lawyers
Apr 22, 2008


*snip*

Killer-of-Lawyers fucked around with this message at Jan 3, 2018 around 03:56

Killer-of-Lawyers
Apr 22, 2008


In.

Killer-of-Lawyers
Apr 22, 2008


Troubles
Word Count: 387


My troubles began long ago. Nothing I do can save me from them.

I was a soldier, long ago. I was pressed into service for the city. My cowardice did not save me. It only made me fight harder. When we were beset by bow and chariot on our first foray beyond, my cowardice cursed me to live, to fight like an animal in a pit.

I was promoted to sergeant. Cursed by the gods to a long military career spent in fear of the next battle. Lying, sleepless in tents, hoping to the gods and praying to my family’s spirits that the cold flint of an arrow would finally take me. And release me from this wretched world.

My troubles began long ago. I was retired, blessed by gods, and awarded by priest and king. I knew beer and the pleasures of flesh alike. I still did not sleep. I cried out at night, scaring my lovers who slept soundly, unafraid of the swirling spirits and death that curses this world.

I drank beer and paid for the comforts of many people. I still knew no rest. I prayed for forgiveness and protection, sacrificed lambs and gold in temples. I sold my baubles and mementos of war. What good were they ever, awards from people up high, who sleep soundly each night in their homes as men die?

My troubles began long ago. My mother was cursed with child. The child lived, and was born, she died, bleeding and discarded. I grew up, shouldering the work of the house, never knowing the soft bosom of my own mother.

I ran from the farm, at various ages. Only to find life cruel and unlivable. I never made it, until I was pressed into service for war. Then I still found life cruel, and unlivable, and yet I persisted.

My troubles began long ago. The primordial chaos of the sea angered the gods. So they sent one of their own to smash and kill the mother of all things. They twisted up her insides, made her ribs the vault of the sky, her tears the great rivers, and her blood the endless stars above.

This world is cruel. It has been troubled since before man walked on it. It will be troubled long after this man leaves it.

Killer-of-Lawyers
Apr 22, 2008


I will be posting my crits to this doc:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/...dit?usp=sharing

I'm doing them backwards, which is the order I read and judged in.

Killer-of-Lawyers fucked around with this message at Jul 12, 2017 around 07:51

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Killer-of-Lawyers
Apr 22, 2008


In.

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