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Jan 24, 2017 06:46
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Oh 1 word Oh.
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Jan 24, 2017 07:25
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In
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Jan 24, 2017 09:23
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Same
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Jan 24, 2017 09:49
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lol
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Jan 29, 2017 09:55
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I'll (maybe) have a redemption up by next submission deadline.
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Jan 30, 2017 10:57
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In.
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Feb 8, 2017 04:51
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In. I'll take either a flash rule or a classic fight.
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Mar 2, 2017 07:42
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In.
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Mar 21, 2017 07:33
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I have some crits and thoughts too, I'll try not to rehash what SH said too much. Most or all of the stories this week I thought were pretty good. Djeser The first time I read this I had no idea what the hell was going on and I was like whaaaaaaaaat. Then I reread it more carefully, and discussed it with another judge, and I was like oooooooooh. At first I didn't really like the gimmick but once I took a bit to parse it I thought this was a really clever, well-delivered story. I'm divided on whether I had to stop and take a minute to figure it out is a good thing or a bad thing, but a) minus points for making a judge feel stupid :P and b) the story was definitely worth the effort. The reader might be taken out of the story by how much they have to parse all the craziness, but I liked it. Mrenda Seconding SH's idea that this story kinda feels like it goes in circles re: Grace's stubbornness and all. I agree with a lot of what she said actually so I'll keep my observations a little brief. There were a few points it felt like it dragged on because I was like "OK, I get it already" but on the whole I thought this was solid. I liked the picture you drew of this world people were living in, stuff like the possible negative consequences of a seemingly good cause like universal basic income, and of the people in it. I could see this playing out as like, part of an episode of an anthology TV series or something, and everyone felt pretty well-realised if that makes sense. Like these were actual people and I could see how they had affected each other's lives and how their histories with each other affected their actions in the story. I kind of feel like Grace maybe had too many chances to go back on her refusal to visit her father, which started to feel like labouring the point? But overall, condense the prose a bit and I think this is good. Edit: Oh, I realised a little quibble I had with your story's world. The scarcity of jobs - wouldn't there still be plenty of work for those that want it? Thranguy A bit too expositiony, and I feel like there was a bit of indecision as to what the story actually was. The young love arc felt a bit extraneous, I agree with SH on that. There's some interesting stuff here, in your protagonist's arc and the world you imply, but I think another go-around would have to be a little more specific in focus so that the overall story has a bit more room to grow. Radical and BADical! I'm a sucker for pretty prose, so I liked reading this one, even if I do see where SH is coming from when she says some of the prose is overwrought. The pacing felt a bit rushed, and while obviously huge exposition dumps are bad, I kind of wished you'd let the story catch its breath and give us more of an idea of what's going on and, frankly, why we should care. Who are these people? What are the blinks? What's with the dream trips? Why is it significant that the bad guy is in a coma? Who, exactly, did the bad guy betray and for what? There's no real feeling of what the stakes actually are here, especially since the actual confrontation with the villain is kind of abrupt and anticlimactic. I feel like this is meant to be a larger story and had important sections carved out to fit the wordcount. Fleta I wish this story had given me more to sink my teeth into, it's pretty light, but it isn't bad. I'm just having a hard time thinking of stuff to say about it and I vaguely feel like it could be even better. I liked the moment Dana and Jason had, it felt like real people having a real conversation, even if here and there Jason had flashes of being too good to be true. As a self contained, personal story, though, I think it works. Not everything needs to be monsters and world-ending threats after all. I think the story would've been improved by more conflict, even if it's just more internal struggle from Dana, but as it is it isn't awful or anything. Tyrannosaurus This was great right up to the end. The end though, that... not so much (side note: props for the fact your title actually foreshadows the ending). You did a great job illustrating the fantastical body horror with the cancerous fungus thing, I could practically see (and feel a bit revolted by, honestly) the fungal infection as it spread, and I was pretty hooked with how you developed Mae and Winston's relationship and how much they mean to each other. Bravo, encore, all that. The ending was a big stumbling block though, because while I can see how it ties in thematically with the rest of the story - to the point I consider it a little on the nose in fact - it's a really hard left turn into surrealism that I feel comes a little abruptly without much in the way of buildup (there is some, I'll grant, but see my note on tying in thematically), and doesn't really wrap up or resolve the story so much as stop it. It's one hell of a shocking visual but I feel like that does the story a disservice. Hawklad This would work a bit better as a larger story, or maybe even a script or something. I could definitely see it as like a short film or the prologue to a longer one. You did manage to get a whole plot arc in, and some decent characterisation, but I feel like the story runs up against its wordcount in some ways that don't let it develop as much as it could; there's a lot of detail that doesn't need to be in there, and I feel like a bit too much attention is paid to Dennis and a bit too little to the space mushroom comet thing they're supposed to be exploring. I know that comes up when Dennis just straight up leaves Rebecca to die (missed opportunity to humanise the dude whose entire personality is "dickhead internet billionaire" by the way! You could have done something interesting with him but you just didn't) but there's points where it feels like misplaced emphasis and takes away words that could have been dedicated to the weird alien monster. Ironically, for all that I felt told rather than shown, with most of those said details. Like SH said, too, it's basically standard first contact stuff except the evil alien is some kind of fungus. It's decently written and delivered and I like how it all comes together as a coherent arc, but I feel like it didn't do a lot to rise out of that mould. Not bad at all, but stumbled at enough points I can't call it great or anything. I might come back to this crit because I feel like I got a bit jumbled up and contradicted myself at points. Critting a crit? Muffin I like how this one got meta and conflated the reader's and narrator's desire for answers. I vaguely feel like I didn't entirely "get" this story, but there was enough there, and implied, to make for an interesting hook. Plus, tying back into the first thing I said, you created a sense of wanting more and I feel like that was maybe intentional to make the reader/narrator connection? It's a good hook and left me with a vague sense of dissatisfaction, curiosity, and desire to see more, which is great if that was intentional and not so much if it wasn't. I will say to me it sort of felt more like a meditation than a narrative? But hey, writing is writing. Chili I think you did yourself a big disservice by sticking to such a small wordcount, and since a few people I talked to and saw talk in IRC had no idea what the hell Waldo was (a wallet) I feel like I have to ding you for lack of clarity. This feels in a lot of ways more like an experiment than a story, though the picture it paints is an effective one. Props for the non-human perspective, and for trying something new, but it didn't really land at all for me. It was a thing that happened from the perspective of a thing, and there wasn't any real meat there. Jibs Too incoherent. I'll probably elaborate on this later but that's basically how I felt reading the story. A jumbled up mess of stuff happening that nicely illustrates how absurd living in a town can be, but left me going "Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeh?" Maybe I'm just an idiot. Uranium Phoenix This is another one where my enjoyment of the prose and some of the themes at play made me like reading it even though I could see the issues at play. I like a lot of the core ideas here, although I do wonder to some extent if the time jumps do the story a disservice; I feel like they both help it and hinder it. I also feel like as the story went on it kept raising all these questions about the setting that never got a satisfactory answer. What are the symbiotes? Does everyone get them? Why? Are they temporary, given Evelyn just up and lets hers leave at the end? If you can just take these things off whenever you want and off they go, what's the purpose of them exactly? How does sticking a sea fungus to your head fix your skull, and why would the kids suddenly make fun of her once they got their own? Why would she care, given it literally saved her life? (Well, she's a teen in that part of the story, but...) A lot of stuff seems like it gets introduced and just left there while the story moves on, without really sinking its teeth in. Like we'll just take stuff as given because Evelyn is The Protagonist. I didn't really get a sense that there was much of an actual conflict here, either, until there suddenly was, and even then there wasn't like a feeling of mystery or tension or anything. Her weird dreams turn out to be a message from the symbiote, because of course they do, and without much in the way of internal conflict she goes to the ocean and lets it go, because of course she does, and while I kind of like how it ties back to her mother and the conversation they had as Evelyn went off to college, the whole thing felt a bit cliché. I got the feeling that the ideas in the story were presented to us, the reader, and we were given the task of really building something out of it. I liked a lot of the imagery and thematic content as presented, but feel like they could have been sharpened up. Also, yeah, ditch the "talking heads" stuff SH mentioned. Jay W. Friks I liked the initial hook and some of the prose, and this is another one I feel would be better as part of a bigger story than this format. That said, there's not a lot here that really invests me, as much as I'm curious about the clearly supernatural stuff going on there's not really much in the way of apparent tension or stakes. Stuff like the colour of the doctor's heels seems like pointless detail, too. I feel like you either didn't have enough room to make this story what it could be, or you were going for a sort of unreal, dreamy vibe that landed too well and made me feel really disconnected from everything that was happening.I liked the idea of this random doctor at a random hospital having come up against something far bigger than she can imagine, but the story didn't really draw me in so much as just toss that stuff down all matter-of-fact. We don't even really get a sense of what your protagonist is thinking or feeling through this, it's just kind of... there. I didn't like the mention of the pediatric wing either; putting kids in potential danger is a huge shortcut for making the reader care. BeefSupreme Honestly, I didn't like this one. I thought it was a boring reverse-Stepford situation with a protagonist who was honestly kind of a dim bulb and with whom I couldn't really relate. That breakfast scene made me hungry/gave me the urge to cook, gotta admit. I understood the emotional beats you were trying to hit, but those just didn't hit for me, and though I understand how you were trying to build up to it I thought the jump to murder wasn't really developed enough to be a good payoff as opposed to a "HA! MURDER!" kind of thing. Also I guessed way ahead of time that she was going to murder the robo-husband, so it would've been nice to take the story in a less predictable direction. flerp Too much "just", and while repetition is a valid literary device I don't feel like it helped much here. I connect with the core idea enough to elevate this story to being pretty good, although I think in some places it falls flat. I feel like an impartial observer to all this, which can work but there has to be some kind of tie there. Maybe if the personification of the walls had more of an emotional kick, and/or was tied more closely with the character's outsider art project? There's a sense of helplessness here, as the walls can only bear witness to this man totally self-destructing, and if you'd taken that and run with it instead of just leaving it there I feel like this would be a lot more powerful. Flesnolk fucked around with this message at 11:17 on Apr 18, 2017 |
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Apr 18, 2017 07:10
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Fast Prompting Good Prompting.
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Apr 19, 2017 00:03
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In. 
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Apr 25, 2017 21:19
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A whole bunch of poo poo is happening and I'll try to write but I don't know if I'll be able to. Still in the week but can I take back my toxx? I'll give up the infinite words too.
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Apr 29, 2017 10:30
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Mohave Evenings This is why I don't toxx. Flesnolk fucked around with this message at 20:56 on May 1, 2017 |
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May 1, 2017 08:01
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Come back,
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May 1, 2017 21:18
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No prompts, no masters. Down with the bloodgeoise.
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May 16, 2017 07:29
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Crits from the thing I judged a couple weeks ago, mostly from what I put in the judgechat admittedly. The Butterfly Whisperer The conflict was too unclear for a lot of the story and I felt it took too long to get to the point. I didn't have much of a feel for what was happening or why, or much of the setting at all. The main character, of sorts, is basically sentient Google Glass gone rogue? But it can mind control her? I liked the basic idea that it was desperately trying to protect its owner from something emotionally devastating/possible trouble, but the "AI takes its instructions too literally and goes off the rails" thing is so cliche that pointing out it is cliche is ALSO cliche. Making the AI protagonist make a self-aware remark about it does not make that better. I personally liked the prose, 'cause I'm a sucker for pretty writing, but I can see how it feels purple. No Swiping Required This one felt a bit Black Mirror-y, and I felt like "oh, the gadget didn't work and the real love was inside you" is a) way too overdone and b) dodging around the prompt and trying to be clever. I can relate to the search for love, feeling unlovable, etc. but I also didn't really feel connected to anybody beyond that. This wasn't the worst story of the week by any means, but I remember it felt kind of bare-bones and it doesn't really do anything with the implications of this device. I felt like it introduced a conflict, flirted with the prompt a little, then went "nope". Split There's some interesting stuff here, but it would have to be chiselled out a good bit. For one, the megacorp is so cartoonishly evil I'd be surprised if its CEO weren't a literal Captain Planet villain, and their presence kind of drags down the whole story - as antagonists they're just boring. UP and I felt like the real story would probably have been better focussing on the question of the nature of Splits, the loss of humanity and identity, the Split version of the protagonist trying to reconnect with the life she lost, etc. whereas the direction it goes in feels really contrived and a bit overdone. Evil megacorps and AI rebellions and "thing you thought was good is actually bad" can be good stories but here I felt almost like they were there because they were expected, not to say something new. Fragile Creatures I'm a sucker for film noir, but this one... eeeeeeeh. I liked the core idea and some of the worldbuilding but robot cops is a bit done, and it was way too bogged down in exposition. I didn't feel like any of these people were, you know, people, and I wanted to learn more but there wasn't much given to us to sink our teeth into. Robot Karl Marx sounded cool? And then right as it looks like something interesting is going to happen it smash cuts to the end. The end really felt more like "welp, story's over now" and then it abruptly stops. Also, a) I didn't like the fourth wall break, b) it felt like you were setting up for some "the robot PI was dead all along" twist and then you left that gun on the mantle. I didn't like this one as much as UP did but we both agreed it worked well enough, and was one of very few standouts this week, so it got the nod. Subject TM-35-USA I gave you some thoughts on this in private and my comments here will probably follow mostly along those lines. I feel like this format would have worked better as a short film or the like rather than prose, but I liked the attempt to do something new and some of the philosophical issues tangled with. The characters played off each other well, and I liked the buildup to this dude tricking the aliens at the end. However, I hate the "major religious/historical figures are actually aliens" stuff whenever I see it, so I automatically dinged it some points when that showed up. Overall, though, you tried to shake things up and the judges appreciated it. Makes You Think Interesting premise and format, I thought the cliches bogged it down but not bad overall. I thought the "Makes You Think" comment literally showing up in the story was a bit too cheeky though. Murder on the Ockient Not much of a story. The ock joke was unfunny, and while there was a bit of a potential hook here the story cuts off before it gets to the actual STORY part. Frankly, if you're gonna ock, at least make it amusing or interesting; I remember getting really annoyed because I felt like you were deliberately wasting our time with this one, which is why I picked it for loss. Marshes Any story that mixes up it's/its is an automatic loss/DM pick for me. :P I feel like this made poor use of my favourite of the prompts; as someone who is extremely terrified of death, the ageing cure has a lot of appeal for me, and I don't feel like this does the trick. So going in on that prompt I already expected a lot, and I feel like maybe that also weighed down my overall response to the story. The story was overall a big nonsensical mess where nothing seemed to be happening for an actual reason, all the worse because I thought there was some actual potential there. 10^123 or The List of Undecidable Problems "Professor romances one of his students" cliche, pass. Also, literally nothing happened in this story! It wasn't even really a story at all! It was a bunch of quasi-philosophical musing about weird stuff, with a token intro and outro, and if there was an actual plot it got completely lost in the word vomit. Currency This story has a few issues with labouring the point, and getting to said points. The bit with going to East Palo Alto for example, that initial bit could be way condensed. It's a bit of a weak opener, too, I would punch it up some. Story slows itself down with random infodumps here and there. I like the concept, though, definitely provokes empathy from me and feels very relevant to the current day. There's a kernel of a really good story here but it takes a few too easy shots, and I feel doesn't make the ready-made conflict really resonate. You don't so much work with the theme as just kind of bluntly say it and leave it on the table - we get it, America is bad. Do something more with it. Breaking Bad didn't just have Walter White stare into the camera and say "America is evil because health care is only for the rich here", it wove that in with the larger story. UP and I felt like this joined Marshes and Split in boiling its antagonists down too far into the moustache-twirler category. Retracement Good opening line I think. I don't feel like it did much with the prompt. There's some possible interestingness here but that doesn't come through very well in its current state. I would suggest revising and using elsewhere, because I feel like the story needs some overall fleshing out and remodeling.
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May 17, 2017 16:00
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I'll do it again if nobody comes forwards but someone else should probably get a turn in the seat since I've judged like half of the past few weeks.
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May 20, 2017 09:12
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The other ones will take a little, but I've already got a crit for one of this week's stories more or less written up, so here you go. Statued Men The start of the story is too much of an infodump I feel; like Obliterati ended up saying, you really should've dispensed with the first four or so paragraphs entirely. It's a little ungraceful, and if this is supposed to be a character study it ruins it by just straight up telling us about the dude instead of showing us who he is, if that makes sense. First section also really buries the lede in general. In general the story often gets bogged down in telling us things instead of really illustrating them, and I feel like there's a good potential story here if the cruft could be trimmed and it can be sharpened up a bit. For a story with a pretty limited wordcount, this one wastes a lot of those words talking in circles and trying to sound flowery/archaic. Also not sure it really fits either the prompt, or the flashrule. Example: I didn't see any graffiti. And yes, you got the main character's name wrong at one point but I'm willing to forgive that. Typos happen. I like the basic conceit of this guy's ego leading him to desecrating this ancient text, and then bringing about his downfall when he ends up accidentally burning down his own house, but you needed to zoom in more and cut out extraneous details.
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Jun 6, 2017 19:11
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In. Short story. Flash rule please.
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Jun 6, 2017 23:32
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In.
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Aug 17, 2017 08:38
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I'll do a thing. Maybe.
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Sep 20, 2017 08:53
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sebmojo posted:you are all horrible monsters that need to be punished Speak up if you agree and want a savage I have to completely revisit my concept, so yes please.
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Sep 23, 2017 07:59
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flash rule
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sebmojo posted:entenzahn and flesnolk you have a few hours before I enforce your toxx, use them well I did not toxx!
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Sep 25, 2017 23:22
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In, toxx for entering and not losing, flash rule please, and additional toxx that I will not enter IRC until I have submitted a story and not lost. (USER WAS BANNED FOR THIS POST)
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Oct 3, 2017 00:15
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Now that I'm done with midterms and I took my lumps, let's try this again, properly this time. In. Same toxxes as last time. I'll take a flash and hope to break the streak.
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Oct 20, 2017 02:47
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Refusal 1204 words On the seventh day the Bearded Lady refused. She sat on her rock under her spotlight and stared through her glass walls at her hordes upon hordes of gawkers. A legion of faces and eyes and mouths and jeers and taunts, all the same, all ebbing and flowing in their turn around her bubble of sanity. The same questions, the same roars, the same jests they thought she couldn’t hear, all around. Still she refused, and then the questions came. “How many children will I have?” asked a three-fingered woman. The Bearded Lady stared ahead, and refused. “Will the North and South go to war?” asked a fleshy boar of a man, three extra eye holes carved into his face. The Bearded Lady stared ahead, and refused. “Must my father die?” asked a sickly figure of indeterminate gender, corrosive venom spilling from its mouth with each word. The Bearded Lady stared ahead, and refused. “Why are you naked?” asked a boy of about five, his tongue hanging near his sternum. The Bearded Lady stared ahead, and refused. “Are we alive?” asked someone. The Bearded Lady did not see whom. She blinked and silence reigned except for the thunder of roller coasters, the music of the carousel, and the cries of festival barkers outside her tent. Surprise fled. She stared ahead, and refused. A paying crowd grumbled and churned, muttered foul slurs and dark words about how they’d been cheated, how she was broken. They left, and she refused. On the eighth night she refused bread and water and stayed in her tent so she would not miss the stars when the spotlight returned. “Why do you no longer help?” asked the man who held her here, arms longer than she was tall and a face of blank featureless skin except his chasm of a mouth. “Can you not see people need the Bearded Lady?” The Bearded Lady stared ahead, and refused. Her chin burnt. Slowly, inch by inch, the mass of iron grey, iron hard hair pushed onwards. It already covered her from shoulders to stomach. The man glared as best as one could without eyes, turned on a heel that let out a screech of metal, and left. On the tenth day they started calling her She That Doesn’t Answer. The eyeless man gestured and despaired as question upon question, jeer upon jeer, proposition upon proposition, met silence. Are we real? What is to happen to us? What have we done? Can anything be saved? “Why is your beard growing?” asked the boy with the tongue, who had visited every day. All met silence. The Bearded Lady stared ahead, and refused. When the crowd left the eyeless man turned up the spotlight until she smelled her flesh cooking. The Bearded Lady stared ahead, and refused. The eyeless man left. That night her beard grew and she ached to scratch and tear and claw but didn’t. She drank water but refused bread. On the fifteenth day bones could be seen through her skin. Her beard reached her hips. The questions continued but the silences became contemplative. A half-faced man walked up to her glass walls and hmm’d and ah’d. He muttered a question in a language she did not understand, and thus an impossible language, then stared not at her beard but her eyes. Another hmm, another ah, then he turned to the eyeless man. “Broken my boy hardly,” said Half-Face. “Art boy you have art in this fine park of yours only a madman would think it broken do you think stained glass broken?” “Well,” said Eyeless, as the river of words finished its flow at last. “Can you not see she fails at a Bearded Lady’s entire purpose?” Half-Face stared then whipped towards the tent entrance, storming out in another tirade of which the Bearded Lady only caught traces. This robbed the crowd of enthusiasm. They stared at each other, some coughed, she caught conversations not intended for her ears, and they filed out amid the eyeless man’s protests. The Bearded Lady stared ahead, and experimented. She commanded her beard to rise and wave farewell when all in the audience were turned away. It complied. On the twentieth night the eyeless man left her under the spotlight at its most powerful for an hour, screaming questions she knew the answers to but would not acknowledge. Flesh burnt but hair did not and she stayed still. Her beard was at her knees and protected much of her vitals. Eventually he lost interest and shut off the spotlight before storming off, hollering into the night a promise to return and end a fortnight of grief. “Why do they keep you in a tank?” asked the voice from the first day of her refusal. The Bearded Lady looked up and saw the boy with the tongue, and next to him a woman, beautiful but moulded. The Bearded Lady could see the stretches and gnaws and knead-marks where men had looked upon her and tried to turn flesh into ideal. Her voice had no ignorance, no selfish quest for knowledge, its tone was that of someone speaking to a fellow human. There was concern there and it refreshed her. The Bearded Lady stared ahead and, finally, did not refuse. “I am Bearded,” she said, voice a thin rasp from thirst and heat and disuse. “Why?” asked the boy with the tongue, hand tightly clasping the moulded woman’s. “I refused to sacrifice knowledge and become owned.” “Are all Bearded treated like this?” asked the moulded woman, her easiest question. The Bearded Lady could answer with a gesture, but found she had missed speaking. “Yes.” “Then why stay?” Horror danced across the moulded woman’s skin, creating ripples on flesh and filling her voice. “I was waiting,” said the Bearded Lady, who rose with a stagger from hunger and thirst and fatigue and the weight of her grown beard. She headed for the door. “For what? Life? An answer?” Were they, after all, alive? “No. For growth.” Knowledge told her it should not have worked but her beard swung back and down and carved through the door latch with a shriek, sending tongue boy and moulded woman jumping back. The door swung open. Freedom. She loped forwards, bounding and swaying, but heard skittering and pulling. The eyeless man lurched into the tent, his mouth wide with rage. In his hand, a spear that could impale an elephant. “I will get a new one,” he howled, and the Bearded Lady stumbled back, but before the eyeless man could strike a tongue circled his ankle and pulled. His face smashed against the dirt and the Bearded Lady could smell blood. Knowledge told her where to sever the brainstem and she struck with her beard, slicing through flesh and bone and nerve before there was a chance to scream. Three stood in the tent as blood wet earth. “You are alive,” said the moulded woman. The boy with the tongue nodded and smiled. “Would you like to see the stars? To see Earth?” The Bearded Lady stared ahead, and smiled. “I would. I would like that very much.” The three stole out of the park in dead of night, and none chased.
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Oct 23, 2017 03:17
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Prompt.
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Oct 23, 2017 12:40
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"Star Trek is bad," said the king of tomatoes. "Tomato more like toma-no," said someone who watches Star Trek.
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Oct 23, 2017 22:27
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I'll co-judge.
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Oct 25, 2017 02:37
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Oceania, after.
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Nov 16, 2017 12:15
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In. And I'll be trying for a redemption soon.
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Nov 21, 2017 05:08
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