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flerp
Feb 25, 2014

THUNDERDOME LOSER 2019


im just doing a post so i can look up my posts easier later on in the year

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flerp
Feb 25, 2014

THUNDERDOME LOSER 2019


Sitting Here posted:

^^^^ click the '?' icon under flerp's posts to see how NOT to post in thunderdome

im gonna post good actually

flerp
Feb 25, 2014

THUNDERDOME LOSER 2019


wait poo poo i hosed up already

flerp
Feb 25, 2014

THUNDERDOME LOSER 2019


dragon brawl results

i dont like either of these

ignoring the weird whatever the gently caress happened, sebmojo's had a too cutesy tone and its prose felt off. it was too direct and simple, making it feel mostly lifeless. which is true, because there was no life in the main character who first watched a dragon and then watched a person pick a lock and then watched dudes talk for a bit and then watched a person play a flute and then, whoa, played a flute! why did they want to see the dragon? idk. they didnt even seem to care that the dragon was gonna be killed or whatever, the protag was just an idiot i guess. pretty boring. id much rather read about the girl who tried to save the dragon, she seemed way more interesting then the dumb idiot girl who jumped down because she was an idiot. that dragon saving girl seemed to have motivations and i really did not care about the protag whatsoever.

ska's was boring too so hey, at least there's that much! it was just a bunch of banter and it had no idea what it was trying to be. was it about discovering a dragon? i guess, but that doesnt really go anywhere. was it about the romance? i think that's what its about, but then why is there so much drat talk about the dragon. like, ok, i get it, that's prob how these irl things would go down but like i dont actually care because a lot of irl stuff is like super loving boring. for a story that is just a majority of two people talking to each other, the dialogue is pretty stale. like, even when that one person did the flirt thing and the protag was like "wow that guy's an apex predator" that was awful. both the apex predator line and the dialogue. it was just mostly boring talking that needed some energy to it. either the dialogue needed to be a whole of lot more entertaining, or there needed to be more action or something happening. i mean, hell, all the story is is "two people talk for a while, figure out the dragon's prob real, oh and theyre romantically involved." the relationship and history of the characters are established well enough, but you probably couldve established all of that in less than half of the words and had things happen like maybe the dragon could burn everything down or like idk somebody would do a thing or thered be a complication in the fact that they cant be together??? like what if the dragon was a fraud? i guess maybe you were trying to parallel the discovery of dragon = the discovery of love, and the testing of the dragon is testing the old love again which is kinda okay but the story is just so dull that i dont care.

oh well whatever ska is the winner because his protag did things and wasnt a big massive idiot which (imo) are good things for a protag to be.

flerp
Feb 25, 2014

THUNDERDOME LOSER 2019


in

flerp
Feb 25, 2014

THUNDERDOME LOSER 2019


1200 words

It’s Not Much to Listen

archives

flerp fucked around with this message at Mar 14, 2017 around 05:26

flerp
Feb 25, 2014

THUNDERDOME LOSER 2019


Sitting Here posted:

Prompt will be up in ~6 hours, until then feel free to poo poo up the thread with gifs for me to ignore

can i poo poo it up w/o gifs?

flerp
Feb 25, 2014

THUNDERDOME LOSER 2019


anime was right posted:

*is ejected directly into the toilet dimension*

get out of my house

flerp
Feb 25, 2014

THUNDERDOME LOSER 2019


sebmojo posted:

Interorompt: the stupidest dog 75 words

sebmojo

flerp
Feb 25, 2014

THUNDERDOME LOSER 2019


in and ing is my soul

flerp
Feb 25, 2014

THUNDERDOME LOSER 2019


SkaAndScreenplays posted:


In For Two This Week Because The Blood Queen Demands It
on this one too I guess...

EDIT:
Just a regular toxx on this one though.

hey yeah ill write two stories idgaf and theyll both be better than urs

flerp
Feb 25, 2014

THUNDERDOME LOSER 2019


Sitting Here posted:

i crave death

me 2

flerp
Feb 25, 2014

THUNDERDOME LOSER 2019


ok ill write sincere garbage then

flerp
Feb 25, 2014

THUNDERDOME LOSER 2019


528 words

Somewhere

archives

flerp fucked around with this message at Mar 14, 2017 around 05:27

flerp
Feb 25, 2014

THUNDERDOME LOSER 2019


749 words

Sorry, I’m Not Flying

archives

flerp fucked around with this message at Mar 14, 2017 around 05:27

flerp
Feb 25, 2014

THUNDERDOME LOSER 2019


SurreptitiousMuffin posted:

Okay well I am not really into Reaper/76 slash as a rule because I don't really see them ever getting together. It's not like they're old war buddies who ended up on different sides of the same coin and hatefuck occasionally (that's Reaper/Mcree tyvm) -- Morrison and Reyes were in different units and haven't really interacted all that much in the official background.

Your OTP sucks, Kurona.

same

kurona_bright posted:

Well actually Reaper used to be the old leader of Overwatch and Morrison joined alongside him and they were "friends" (ha). And then Morrison got promoted over Reyes and Reyes got really loving jealous and they had an epic break-up that ended up blowing up the main headquarters of an international organization as well as the organization itself. So basically you're wrong and you should read up on canon more, you utter scrub.

Also all they did was kiss so if that's "erotic" for you I feel really sorry for you man cause that really sucks

same

flerp
Feb 25, 2014

THUNDERDOME LOSER 2019


The Unholy Ghost posted:

Thanks for the extended review, even though I ran over the word count— and thanks to Erogenous Beef for his review as well. My only defense for my mess is that I feel more suited to writing novels rather than short stories.

we dont need or want a defense

flerp
Feb 25, 2014

THUNDERDOME LOSER 2019


probably shouldnt but in

flerp
Feb 25, 2014

THUNDERDOME LOSER 2019


SurreptitiousMuffin posted:

we are dead and this is hell

crit prediction: Muffin this was pretty but where was no story no placement

heres some of my thoughts and theyre not going to "there was no story" though it is quite pretty.

bringing up pain comes out of nowhere. the rest of the piece had nothing to do with pain, and more with the narrator saying they werent fat. there were no previous pain except maybe being called fat by your sister would hurt, but i think the pain in this is meant to be more of a physical pain, not just a wow my sister is a jerk to me pain.

im rly not a fan of stacking similes on top of each other. the "woven through me like highways through a nation..." similes doesnt quite work for me because i feel like none of them are given the signficance that a good simile can command. and each of the similes arent particularly powerful, imo. im not saying theyre bad, theyre quite alright, but i wouldve liked to have one very resonant, meaningful simile than just three decent similes. also "spread and eager" feels weird to me, i think because spread is a physical description of flower and eager is a mental state, so they dont quite fit together.

then i dont really understand the "collapsing inward" -- why? the person says theyre in a lot of pain, but the only thing we see them really suffer with is that theyre called fat when they dont think theyre fat. theres pain, theres suffering, but none of it is known and the issue, too, is that i dont know what kind of pain. i cant tell if its physical, emotional, spirtual, mental. its just the abstract of pain. maybe, after all, that's the point, since the last paragraph does say that the narrator is trying to find a way to describe the pain, but even then, i dont feel like ive seen a journey of the narrator actually trying to find a way to the pain. but, i think a part of this piece is for it contradict itself quite a few times (or maybe not and im an idiot)

tbf, i do like how use the fatness is used at the end. in that, the fatness is the narrator's pain growing more and more inside of them. i wouldve liked to seen that extension a little earlier in the poem, as the pain and fatness feel unconnected until the end. its still rather odd, though, that the narrator is willing to say that theyre not fat and yet be so willing to say they are pain. the two are so connected to each other that it feels contradictory for the narrator to accept one and reject the other. perhaps, that was intentional. and, when i thought about the piece more, there were a little of contradictions. the narrator becoming fat is because of his pain, but the pain is accepted and the fat is rejected. the narrator says he gets smaller every day, but he keeps getting fatter because of the greater pain. i think that was meant to be in there to an extent, but it makes the piece seem jumbled and unclear and i dont ultimately know what to take away from this. in some ways, i think that's the point -- that pain doesnt always have a point or meaning.

something about the ending parapgraph bothers me, though -- it doesnt feel quite as connected to rest of the piece. i dont, personally, know what you were going for with the rest of the piece, since it feels contradictory and unclear, which is why i think i really hate the last few lines. i like the sentiment, "One day, I will do something deeply impolite -- find words for my pain," but it feels too... clean of a conclusion. the whole piece, previously, seemed unsure and uneasy, trying to wrestle with both a physical fatness and more abstract pain, but then the endings like "welp yeah this is how it is" and packs everything all nicely in a box and calls it a day. in some ways, i dont actually want there to be much meaning in this piece. i would almost prefer this to have an ending that just further contradict everything you said earlier. because, funnily enough, that makes it consistent. in trying to make a grand statement in this particular piece, i feel like the whole piece should have been building up to that particular statement and yet... i dont feel it. i dont feel like the narrator ever really wanted to find the words for their pain. it sure doesnt seem like it from the previous paragraphs. i like, though, the last line, because it is very contradictory like the rest of the piece. the narrator is not being silence. hell, theyre being loud as hell with their grand images. i feel like either reworking or even cutting that second to last line might make the ending seem better. part of this piece's purpose seems to have been about there being little meaning or understanding of pain and by explaining pain in that way made it lose some of its impact for me.

it mightve been nice to see a source of pain, or at least, be hinted at one. i think it might just be aging, since getting fatter is usually because one gets older, but even then, that still feels rather vague. i dont need a long explanation of the pain, but just something brief could possibly ground me into this narrator's personal pain more and help me understand better.

these thoughts r kind of rambly so i hope theyre helpful

flerp
Feb 25, 2014

THUNDERDOME LOSER 2019


It’s a poem about death (because that’s every poem)

archive

flerp fucked around with this message at Mar 14, 2017 around 05:28

flerp
Feb 25, 2014

THUNDERDOME LOSER 2019


Thranguy posted:

Four Letters

Who knows what the future will bring?
As minutes tick across the clock:
Fast judging, Good judging.

A winner, a lose, the usual thing.
A spate of mentions on the dock
Who knows what the future will bring?

For hours on cliff’s-edge we’ll cling
Will they uphold or will they mock
Fast judging, Good judging.

The bluebirds and vultures will sing
A pretty song or angry squawk:
Who knows what the future will bring?

When mornings erections upspring
A lusty thrust or hate-bone’s' ock'?
Fast judging, Good judging.

We wait on crit’s savage sweet sting
For each to rise or fall in stock
Who knows what the future will bring?
Fast judging, Good judging.

fjgj

flerp
Feb 25, 2014

THUNDERDOME LOSER 2019


hes alright i guess

flerp
Feb 25, 2014

THUNDERDOME LOSER 2019


Julias posted:

This is the worst prompt ever.

ur the worst prompt ever

flerp
Feb 25, 2014

THUNDERDOME LOSER 2019


in

flerp
Feb 25, 2014

THUNDERDOME LOSER 2019


peeom crits (bcause all of ur poems taste like piss)

Jay W. Friks

quote:

Kept behind risk and filled up space this line is rather vague, a bad thing for a poem. Kept behind risk doesnt tell me anything and neither does filled up space, space filled up with what? How is something kept behind risk? It wouldve been great for this to have some images like bars or something because i didnt even know until halfway through that this was about a prison break
a lost sensation lives in taboo lore.
I’ve plans gramatically sound but i dont like “i’ve plans,” sounds awkward. to find it, “The last quiet place.” does this need to be in quotes, or be structured in this manner. Like, “i’ve plans to find the last quiet place” is prob a better construction.

In a white linen bar, my drink is at toast at toast is weird -- toasting or a toast but at toast? Never heard of that.
The nurses and jailers proclaim, “No more.”
Kept behind risk and filled up space. i dont think this line works well here

I’m banned from the guarded case dont know what this is and since this is a prisoner like no poo poo hes banned from poo poo. Who cares give me good details not meaningless worthless ones..
No way to sleep with no wine or no whore. whore is a bit of a weird word here thats like one of those high fantasy things to say or like idk, clashes tonally
I’ve plans to find it. “The last quiet place.”

Noise haunts my lids eyelids? But how does noise haunt eyelids? Drink lids?, leaving no rest. why doesnt this line have an A rhyme? You did it earlier!
My bloodshot eyes watch for the door,
kept behind risk and filled up space.

The guard’s cycloptic gaze is at close. cycloptic is kind of weird since it implies one eyed but idk if thats the case (or why it matters)
I throw a rope of bed sheets out to the floor,
I’ve plans to find it. “The last quiet place.”

Silence waits in an unbroken green clasp. cool image but uhhh what does this have to do w/ anything?
Her ok its the last stanza and you drop a her pronoun, a her that comes out of nowhere that i have no idea who youre talking about payment is my filled in flesh and gore. line is meaningless to me idk what u were on about
Kept behind risk and filled up space,
I’ve plans to find it, “The last quiet place.”

Work on clarity -- show its a prison immediately, explain who the her is. Dont be vague and dont assume i know what ur talking about.

Djeser

quote:

In tapestry, the unicorn stands bound,
His coat stained red (the pomegranates' seeds), good line
He who with oaken thorns is to be crowned.

On all four walls, the images what images? are found.
I turn, I look to find what fate will bring vague
In tapestry the unicorn stands bound.

At east at east? Why not just east or idk something other than “at” “at east” just feels weird to me., the hunter leads his faded hound;
Then south, the unicorn with maiden kneels, this is an odd construction. Does the unicorn have a maiden kneel, or is it with a maiden kneeling?
He who with oaken thorns is to be crowned.

But west, I find the red now stains the ground
(his blood). And once again, I turn, I look:
In tapestry the unicorn stands bound.

Now I am he, my bonds the walls around
And only sad infinity for me, vague + telling
He who with oaken thorns is to be crowned.

To find him fleeting rest dont rly get this, I now stand sound
to north: at peace, in pomegranate shade good phrase,
In tapestry the unicorn stands bound,
He who with oaken thorns is to be crowned.

This is fine. If you kept up your imagery from the first stanza, this wouldve been p good but it gets vague. I dont rly like the folk lore-y tone since it seems forced at time (for example “now i am he”).

Muffin

quote:

My woman lies back - spits out smoke, fingers unfurled –
Cigarette dancing, eyes: bloodshot pearls. Words - so frail. so frail might be a lil too dramatic here
She’s sayin’ ‘someday soon, gonna rule the whole world’.

In summer, we dance to Morrissey. We’re sweating:
wallpaper stinks of sex and other substances i mean, cmon now, you can give me another concrete image here. Other substances is just a longer version of just saying“things” which is just awful.
My woman lies back - spits out smoke, fingers unfurled –

My lighter has run out; spoons are burnt good. We grow wings
to fly free from this place but fall back - sleep calls us maybe you dont need the sleep part but maybe u do idk im not ur mom i just personally dont like how theres movement and then it reverts almost instantly -- a little more time spent flying or moving since an issue i had with villanelle was that i felt like there wasnt any room for the poem to move and change.
She’s sayin’ ‘someday soon, gonna rule the whole world’.

How I hate Morrissey. English prick. He’s singing
‘woe is me’ out of a posh London studio.
My woman lies back - spits out smoke, fingers unfurled – didnt rly feel this stanza, feels out of place -- i dont why we should care about the narrator not liking a singer

Track-marks run from shoulder to elbow. Skin itching.
We’ve lost time; time lost us in a maze of needles. yeh im jsut looking for something else -- youve got good images but i dont feel like the poems moving past “we are druggies”
She’s sayin’ ‘someday soon, gonna rule the whole world’.

One day soon we’ll get off this old couch and – something-
I forget. It’s easy to sleep. Hard to - to – i guess thats kinda the point, that theyre not going to leave their position even tho the girl says theyre gonna rule the world but even then i dont feel too much. I like the words and stuff but i wouldve liked to have seen something -- i dont rly know what to take away from this except “if ur a druggie u think u can leave ur spot but actually u cant” and idk maybe i watched too much intervention with my mom but thats not enough for me
My woman lies back - spits out smoke, fingers unfurled –
She’s sayin’ ‘someday soon, gonna rule the whole world’. tbf i think it was a good idea to do something like being stuck bcause the structure of the villanelle works with that concept but idk

Thranguy

quote:

Colleen and Sam, and Sam’s pet pangolin
were out past late man my mind almost wants to correct this to eight maybe thats what u wnated but its annoying, and Sam, who had no doubt,
said, “This is more trouble than I’ve been in.” opening stanza is vague -- more trouble is terribly vague w/o any context surrounding it

The walls of Trevor Tanner’s mighty tin
tall tower ehhh on this alteration. It feels a lil too much. Even getting rid of tin or not making the name alliterate would lessen it and make it seem less constructed alliteration rose imposingly adverb ahhhhhhhh to keep
Colleen and Sam, and Sam’s pet pangolin

Outside i hate this break, while their adventure lay within. worthless line. Easily couldve been implied. Is vague as well.
They climbed. Coleen, while mounting that redoubt
said, “This is more trouble than I’ve been in.”

Past birds and clouds, they met Krozanthar, id do a line break -- i dont see a good effect of “kronzathar, kin” to warrant such an awkward line break of kin // to kraken kin
to kraken and to rukh. They had to leap.
Colleen and Sam, and Sam’s pet pangolin this is a bit of a stretch -- instictively, i think, if this is in a stanza, that the two past lines have something to do with it. But, truthfully, this line fits with the next stanza, not this stanza, so its very awkward because i read this thinking itll continue this stanza but really its for the next stanza

were netted by a passing zeppelin. cool deus ex machina
Colleen and Sam, at once and at a shout
said, “This is more trouble than I’ve been in.”

Then Trevor Tannor’s terrible tin men
as one fired taser-tridents ok???. They knocked out
Colleen and Sam, and Sam’s pet pangolin
said[/b],[/b] “This is more trouble than I’ve been in.” ok wait i think this is the pangolin saying this while collen and sam are knocked out because i was about to say how the heck are they saying things when knocked out

I dont like this, its very awkward and forced, mostly because i dont think a villanelle isnt really the structure for this kind of poem (which rly isnt trying to be a poem and more of an adventure story but like w/e). I mean im historically not a big fan of adventure/action stuff but even then there’s not a lot of rhythm, the structure feels forced, the action and details are vague, and not much happens (as is the case with villanelle since u have to keep repeating yourself). So, good on you for trying to do something different but like idk i think this was a bad idea from the start and u prob shouldve known better. And even if it was going to fail inherently, you couldve at least made the structure or words work or something.

cutofyourjib

quote:

Her smile arrays a gunpowder plot.
The flicker of fuse spins gold in the haze. good image
Nary a word betrays, but I am caught.

Old tales are rephrased of new Camelot,
Avalon’s mist burns away with her gaze.
Her smile arrays a gunpowder plot.

I sip from the font of blasphemous thought, vague, unclear
A furtive communion no priest would praise. i find myself not sure what this stanza is talking about -- i really cant process this and maybe im just a big dumb idiot but like what does this have to do with anything. I kinda feel this is a love poem (or at least the narrator loves that girl) but then this doesnt like link any of that together. There’s also that gunpowder plot which makes me think the girl is betraying him but idk why or what the narrator has done to be
Nary a word betrays, but I am caught.

Too heady a draught, I wobble besot. i wobble besot is so awkward man
It’s love at first sight and other clichés. calling them cliches doesnt change the fact THAT THEY ARE CLICHES
Her smile arrays a gunpowder plot.

A treasonous laugh ensnares by fiatmaybe a period here? Also the fiat rhyme feels awkward for some reason -- its technically sound but maybe its the two syllable with one syllable or fiat is just a weird sounding word.
I dream of escape on fancied forays
Nary a word betrays, but I am caught.

The barrels explode and all is for naught;
As my betrothed cuffs roving eye sideways.
Her smile arrays a gunpowder plot.
Nary a word betrays, but I am caught.

Yeah i guess this is ok but i dont rly feel anything. Its kinda all explained at the beginning -- the guy is doing treasonous thing and his beloved betrays him. We dont rly learn anything new after that.

jonjoe

quote:

Life is severed from what I dream.
To bring forward my new meanings,
There can be nothing to redeem. all of this is vague. What do u dream. What is this new meaning. What cant be redeemed?

Others hold me in false esteem, how does this look
But I can only make mistakes. why? What does this look like. Give me a concrete image
Life is severed from what I dream.

I am the puppet ruler of a team; huh?
True rulers bring the mythos to masses. what?
There can be nothing to redeem.

Easily and happily, they all misdeem,
Yet beyond their merry masks
Life is severed from what I dream.

Life is offered per diem.
Dreams are mistaken for menus. menus doesnt work here “meter-wise” (i dont actually know if thats true but reading it out loud it doesnt work 4 me) but i like the line on its own.
There can be nothing to redeem.

Truly alone, I plot and scheme
With escalating ennui.
Life is severed from what I dream.
There can be nothing to redeem.

Yeah i guess i just dont like it. There’s a lot of angst and frustration in here that it almost feels like a teenager with a thesaurus -- “truly alone” and the whole “everyone but me is a sheep and fools” vibe i get. But besides that, there’s nothing to grasp onto -- no images, no specificity. Even if this is about the election/inauguration (which it might very well be), i dont know if thats the case. Its just kind of unclear anger and frustration which gives me very clear anger and frustration at this poem.

Chernabog

quote:

A gleaming rainbow; rainbows are (unfortunately) cliched nowdays which is a shame because a good rainbow is rly cool but u kinda have to earn rainbows nowadays a missive in the sky.
A peace branch, a memorial, one final goodbye it prob wouldve been better to have one of those ideas and expand on that w/ an image rather than these three ideas.
I claim it for myself with a passionate cry.

Though anyone may see and anyone may spy, this construction feels a lil… twee? Is that the word? Idk its just not working for me. Children’s book sounding, that’s what im looking for.
the message is for me so they mustn't pry. the AAA rhyme is actually kinda annoying imo.
A gleaming rainbow; a missive in the sky.

All your words have been exhausted so this is your last reply: this might be better with everything cut and leave it as “this is your last reply”
A colorful eulogy; an apology, a lie. ok i see the structure/repetition here but im still not sure its a good idea
I claim it for myself with a passionate cry.

The rain wanes steadily, the sundown is nigh,
I'm fearful to witness your ultimate sigh: i know you want to keep the same grammar, but i dont like the colon regardless.
A gleaming rainbow; a missive in the sky.

A tear slides and trickles down from my eye. honestly, tears are cliched now too like jesus christ being sad is so cliched u have to like earn it and poo poo which is annoying i know but w/e. Like, i think u need to show sadness in a unique way
The grief is obvious, I cannot deny. worthless line. Show us the grief. Dont just say it out loud u dimbus
I claim it for myself with a passionate cry.

All sensations have now faded, but my bleak desire to die. kinda lame to be so direct
Though within my will awakens through your silent lullaby:
A gleaming rainbow; a missive in the sky.
I claim it for myself with a passionate cry.

This wasnt bad. I find it just a bit too generic. The images are alright, the rhythm is fine, i dont like the AAA rhyme but that could be me but idk it doesnt like impress me any. Its quite fine but i dont feel like it pushes itself any further than it is.

I guess my issue is that it doesnt ever feel like its ur own. Its just like im sad but not like specific sad just generic sad which is a bad thing.

Okua

quote:

No corpses are hanging from lonely gallows
after the was thinking, maybe “the” isn’t necessary here war, like a fever not quite sure if i like this simile or not… i can see it working with or without so its up to you but theres just something that bothers me about it that i cant put my word on. I guess my issue is i dont know what the fever is referring to -- is the war ending like a fever or are the hanging bodies like a fever?, has gone;,
though blood of dead nymphs remains in the shallows

Crows have settled on shallow graves
and sated mixing up tenses themselves on boils and brawn id prob change brawn to something more specific:.
No corpses are hanging from lonely gallows

The fallow fields grow, even is being trampled by slaved surprising? Is that the point of even? Hell i like “trampled by slaves” better w/o even trampled by slaves;
ash-fed weeds hide the shivering fawn
though blood of dead nymphs remains in the shallows good stanza

The wet nurse Demeter comes forward and saves
abandoned dead on the battle-ground lawn:
No corpses are hanging from lonely gallows this stanza doesnt feel like much imo. Idk. its weird to have a name out of nowhere and like yeah idk.

These bodies are turned maybe u can change turn -- or just leave it as “these bodies are hollowed-out caved to use as a metaphor into hollowed-out caves -
from their river-veins nourishing life-blood is drawn a little melodramatic imo
though blood of dead nymphs remains in the shallows repetition of blood is awkward

like pomegranate seeds floating on waves i like this stanza continuation. Contrast this w/ thranguy’s and its a whole lot better (at least, imo)
that will carry death east to be swallowed by dawn: not a big fan of this. Im just never really cool with people just saying “death” out right but then i wrote about dying so maybe im a big ol’ hypocrite lol. But u could probably express carrying death w/ an image vs just saying it out right
No corpses are hanging from lonely gallows
though blood of dead nymphs remains in the shallows.

Good images. A little grimdark but whatever. Could be cleaned up but aint that the case for everything. I guess i feel like its lacking a little bit in like its overall purpose -- what is it trying to say? While it does go all like “war keeps a place scarred even though it’s ended” i kinda wished i could take more out of it besides that (which i got from the first stanza).

steeltoedsneakers

quote:

Fragile and blue, you made me so afraid time for another addition of flerp being mad that there are vague pronouns in the opening line GOD DAMNIT
Today you sing, your smile is soft, warm light, lame
But fears have roots, and these ones do not fade.

I watched you begin, midwife at your aid.
Silent, limp, wet and in her hands so slight, in her hands so slight is a bit of an odd construction -- i think u were rly trying to make the rhyme work but idk it doesnt work 4 me
Fragile and blue, you made me so afraid

A light, klaxon, theres a lot of adjectives in this. It might be better to come some of them. Even just “medical cavalcade” might be enough medical cavalcade.
I held your mother as I watched you fight, fight what -- fight how. Images. Images. IMAGES PLEASE
But fears have roots, and these ones do not fade.

Wiped clean, new breath, your signs of life remade. i think the issue is that the first images already show us what the ending part of this line tell us. So its unnecessary + also takes away the poem
We held you close, tight, watching through the night,
Fragile and blue, you made me so afraid

Older now, time helps memory degrade
News of a brother makes you smile so bright bright smile. No. stop. Smiles can no longer be bright because its dumb
But fears have roots, and these ones do not fade.

My fears doused, behind mental barricade -
The day draws near, I’m scared they'll i feel like restructuring this line to “the day draws near where they’ll reignite” or same variation is stronger but idk maybe not its ur poem man reignite.
Fragile and blue, you made me so afraid
But fears have roots, and these ones do not fade.

I mean i think this is sweet but it also falls into some or rly just a lot of cliche trappings that i didnt feel any real attachment. I dont want to say it isnt real, but rather it doesn’t feel real. I feel genuineness but i dont feel like i completely understand this parent. It just feels like a parent’s fear generalized vs specific fear.

sparkbloom

quote:

just throw the letters in the trash honestly i thought this was about writing but who knows maybe im wrong
and spurn his grubby aching hand
what once was sparked will turn to ash this line feels a lil awkward in this stanza. I think some punctuation to set this apart would be nice

and though you idk if i like second person in this poem. Im all for second person but it feels off here. I think first or third person fits better because this is a very introspective poem that i feel like having a character w/ these thoughts works better than having “me” have these thoughts once believed him brash, u can show this w/ an image imo
like Heathcliff i dont rly know anything about heathcliff but idk i feel like this metaphor works from just like my osmosis of heathcliff, you’ve outgrown the thought how have u outgrown. Plz images thank u --
just throw the letters in the trash

he prayed that wishing’d win him cash,
vindication, famous and flush, these lines are both vague in awful ways
what once was sparked will turn to ash

elevated, but not a smash: i dont know what this elevated is supposed to refer to. Or the smash. Maybe its referring to the realization that the narrator doesnt want 2 be w/ this guy but since there’s nothing connected to these words it feels nebulous
his words weep bitter tears -- oh well i like the oh well here
just throw the letters in the trash

a witness to the bleeding gash
your kindness just defers the shock SHOW THE KINDNESS SHOW THE SHOCK
what once was sparked will turn to ash

although it pains me to rehash ok now i dont understand the me or the your
your pity needs a better match ok the match wordplay is cool
just throw the letters in the trash
what once was sparked will turn to ash

So like i think some punctuation would be nice here. Its not necessary and i did the same thing when i started writing poetry but my teacher once told me to look at punctuation as a tool and that by not using punctuation ur like denying urself a tool to improve ur work. I mean u do u obv but its a thing to think about.

Anyways i dont actually like this much. Its pretty vague and i dont rly see what the judges see in this since im just left shrugging and thinking hmmmmm okay? Maybe im just too dense to notice the wordplay which is prob true but even then if theres that idk i wouldve liked to u know see things and feel things but i dont get it from this poem. These vitriol but i dont ever feel like it ever comes alive in the poem. I guess i just dont think that having wordplay is enough to substitute for a vague poem. I mean this obv all subjective and up to taste but im a big fan of images soooooo take 4 that what u will.

Entenzahn

quote:

beat so fast, like drums my heart that races ohhhh man this is not a good opening line. “Like drumbs my heart that races” -- my heart races would be better (even that would be cliche) but i dont know theres a rhythm to it that’s off -- i think beat so fast is a weird way to start and then lets look at the simile. “Like drums” makes since since beats lines up w/ drums but then u say “my heart that race” w/o any punctuation. So, idk if the simile is meant to be “beat so fast like drums comma my heart that races” (which still sound bad, but links together the ideas better) or the way it is presented because “like drums my heart that races” is just so… awkward and awful
down into the shadows of the crowd
through rays of light and unfamiliar faces

silhouettes that deal in twos and aces
clubs clubs like nightclubs or the club like cards? Maybe thats intentional but idk i dont like it much that tumble underneath the shroud
beat so fast, like drums my heart that races i still hate this line

stop and go to rhythms that betray us how do they betray?
flashing smiles that crash against the sound ok im alright w/ this line
through rays of light and unfamiliar faces

blown-out speakers, hollow sadness, baseless u see this is where punctuation is fantastic. I dont know if this line is meant to end at baseless and then start up again at raindance or if its meant to be “baseless raindance”. Punctuation is good 4 a reason.
raindance met by silence in the clouds
beat so fast, like drums my heart that races

suffocate in overcrowded places
fading stacks of smoke are pulling taught
through rays of light and unfamiliar faces ok this is a good stanza

every beat is chasing for the latest
dreams like pennies dropping on the ground
beat so fast, like drums my heart that races
through rays of light and unfamiliar faces

I like this more than sparks at least because u know put some images in but im left trying to find what ur trying to say. Ok its a club and there’s music and even tho theres a lot of sound ur not rly feeling anything but idk i dont feel like im able to take much away from this.

Kaishai

quote:

The lord of luck, he clothes himself in lies. i think it mightve been cool to get an image of what a clothing of lies looks like -- maybe itd be tough and prob be hard to make that fit into a villanelle, but idk thats an idea
He shuffles, stooped, into the seaside town;
Unhappy then are they who trust their eyes. i feel like then is unnecessary tho u might be going for a specific meter but idk making a sentence awkward to fit in a meter seems like a bad idea

Meg Callahan his ragged coat espies-- man thats passive as heck i know i know villanelle but u still gotta have good sentences/lines or idk i just dont like this line
A fishwife, she, whom fortune has let down.
The lord of luck, he clothes himself in lies.

No man so poor will purchase fish. She sighs
And studies his gnarled feet, his scabby crown. ok good line right here
Unhappy then are they who trust their eyes.

Meg calls out, "Catch!" and tosses him a prize:
A monkfish, like herself salt-caked and brown.
The lord of luck, he clothes himself in lies.

Directly to his arms her present flies;
Surprise and wild delight erase his frown. i dont rly like this its a bit too telly for me
Unhappy then are they who trust their eyes.

He clasps Meg's hand and sheds his human guise.
Together, they depart into renown.
The lord of luck, he clothes himself in lies.
Unhappy then are they who trust their eyes.

I mean i dont have much issues with this but i dont have much praise for this either. Its not bad which is obv a good thing but i find myself not mustering up anything to care about this. The images are decent but dont draw me in, the rhythm is fine but not exciting, the movement is there but it doesnt feel compelling. It lacks a drawing power, something to bring me and excite me.

trex

quote:

She is too young to understand such things i can understand why u would want this as a line in a villanelle but i dont like it as a opening line
State the skeptic monolinguals this is like, rly bad dude cmon now who ride the red line
Yo soy, ego eimai, wǒ shì, je suis oh ok this is like i am in different languages iirc. I know like the first one and the last one ok i was about to be annoyed

But worse somehow worse are those that believe bad, vague line
The jealous who say What Did You Do & Well I’ve Tried shouldnt this be in like quotations or something or are these like tv shows or something idkkkk
She is too young to understand such things

Greek & Hebrew & most of Japanese
I’ve got her up to eight -- my professor knows only five
Yo soy, ego eimai, wǒ shì, je suis

Then she teaches herself Lao to make nine
My proud husband knows only one -- but her father knows five
She is too young to understand such things

How did Mozart’s mother, how did Pascal’s
Gauss & Rimbaud’s teach such a mind & she has his eyes ok this is kinda interesting right here.
Yo soy, ego eimai, wǒ shì, je suis

Her small hands on my husband’s soft face
& my heart skips a beat -- surely God I say please
She is too young to understand such things
Yo soy, ego eimai, wǒ shì, je suis

Ok this is quite alright but i felt i started understanding the poem w/ the line “she has his eyes” and i started to see like, ok, the narrator’s teaching her daughter or w/e languages as like her lasting impression but i think that needed to come way earlier in the poem and be the main driving force rather than coming in like the second to last stanza.

Fuschia tude

quote:

It's easy to get to that shadowy place. place is almost as bad as things for how vague it is
No compass is needed, no map will lead there. this is a bit generic
There's nothing to see at the end of the race.

The freaks of the world have carved out a space
To huddle in pockets and wail in despair in despair is cliche + telly -- u can show this poo poo mannnnnn.
It's easy to get to that shadowy place.

A ravenous leprosy seeks to erase
Six centuries work dont rly know what this is referring to… 600 years? Idk thats like the 1400s and idk what im supposed to take away from that, borne along in the air.
There's nothing to see at the end of the race.

I tire of waiting. Look me in the face. this has a nice rhythm
Though long as I lived here I never would dare, this is a bad line -- weak and dull esp for a villanelle where i felt like every line needs to do something because the repetition limits a lot of what can be done
It's easy to get to that shadowy place.

But do this and you are a fool, a disgrace.
There's nothing to gain from this selfish affair. idk i dont rly get this line nor see what this shadowy place is or meant to represent. Maybe death? I guess that could work but if thats the case thats p lame.
There's nothing to see at the end of the race.

Remain here with me, tend the fire, replace
Dead embers. I need you, my glory, my heir.
It's easy to get to that shadowy place.
There's nothing to see at the end of the race.

Yeah i guess if this is about death then its kinda lame but if its not its not v clear on what its trying to be. If so its a bit weak w/ the images and i wouldve liked to take away something more than just it being about death and death kinda sucks.

Julias

quote:

Wanderlust
For the seven secrets not a fan of this -- not sure what the seven secrets mean of
Autumn gust

So robust--
Ghosts and leaves groan and sway with good line
Wanderlust

Flaking crust
Sirocco peels back with an
Autumn gust

Nature's rust interesting change -- not sure what it means tho
Blood and pus paint passionate
Wanderlust

Inhaled must;
A putrid squall, tethered by
Autumn gust

On the last brae, I degust
Acrid memoirs, as mistral overcomes
Wanderlust
Autumn gust

This is v precise, which is a good thing. The rhythm is nice and its hard to edit because it can be easily lost. Theres a lot of change and movement in this but im not quite sure what to take away from this. Maybe im rly dense buttttttttt i find myself just kinda confused even tho i appreciate the words. I feel like theres something here and maybe its just me but i cant see it even tho ive read it through a couple times.

Metrofreak

quote:

‘Twas good to see you once again
There was no way this could end well why -- explain things. Give me images plz
You were, of course, my closest friend of course is prob unnecessary but we shall see

Your honor you did well defend bad construction. Awkward to fit the rhyme which is no good
Your sword well earns the price you sell
‘Twas good to see you once again

My leg, I fear, might never mend
Your bleeding I shall haste to quell
You were, of course, my closest friend

Your soul will not this day descend yeah this is a bad construction but also idk p lame as a sentence although it tells me a bit
I shall not let you ring the bell dont know what a bell has 2 do w/ anything
‘Twas good to see you once again

On mercy, you should not depend god i hate these lines, theyre so strained to fit the rhyme scheme
I’ve not much left but empty shell CLICHE GOD loving DAMNIT
You were, of course, my closest friend hell now that i think about it closest friend is cliche too would u know

Your wrath, I know, is without end
I’m certain you will give me hell
‘Twas good to see you once again
You were, of course, my closest friend

No images really, awkward lines. I think the narrator killed this dude hes talking and then theres like a ghost or maybe its real and hes dying or idk i really dont care. God is it really that hard for u idiots to just give me something to look at its all i want in poem im a simple, simple man.

Katdicks

quote:

An arson? Well, that is a mystery. idk i dont rly like this… starting w/ a question is lame and it feels a lil obv to me (that this person is gonna be the 1 to do the arson) but well see i guess
I was asleep, you see. That is, until,
The smell of burning gasoline woke me!

So I investigated, naturally.
I grabbed my robe and headed down the hill. none of this is important
An arson? Well, that is a mystery.

I don’t think I was being that nosy,
When - I admit, I felt a little thrill - this aside is weird because i dont know how this sentence is supposed to sound
The smell of burning gasoline woke me!

In fact, I think it’s rather neighborly
(Not that they checked on me when I was ill) yeah ok i dont rly get whats going… she went to check on the fire and then… who is she talking to?
An arson? Well, that is a mystery.

I saw the fire, and turned back up the street,
Went back to bed. Enough! I’d had my fill. she just went to sleep?
The smell of burning gasoline woke me!

The flames burned down to smoke, eventually.
And now we’re here, sonny. I’ll tell you still:
An arson? Well, that is a mystery.
The smell of burning gasoline woke me!

Well i guess the obviousness isnt there but uhhhh who cares? Like theres nothing interesting here. Theres a burning house and then the narrators like w/e time to go back to bed. Im missing something clearly but likeeeeee idk. Theres nothing to latch onto here. Nothing specific besides burning house and i dont feel like im supposed to take away anything from this except maybe fire happens?

Hawklad

quote:

Shadows rise on the garden wall.
Pale light creatures with sumac stings,
driven to the edge, mankind's fall. mankind’s fall feels a bit too melodramatic

Worlds of veil lie within their thrall,
from deep they drift on mucous wings.
Shadows rise on the garden wall.

Jellies float over barren pall jellies is an odd word choice -- clashes with the darker tone
of bleached white bone and scattered things, THINGS NO I HATE U I HATE THINGS be specific u rear end in a top hat
driven to the edge, mankind's fall.

Toxic sand spills from urban sprawl its kinda interesting since i did the same rhyme scheme, both trying to use the same words idk it doesnt mean anything but it makes me think
and metals boil from buried springs.
Shadows rise on the garden wall.

Waters birth sheets of black rainfall
where once did shelter vibrant beings, idk i dont like this construction much myself
driven to the edge, mankind's fall.

Echoes large fade to echoes small,
of desperate men, dark machines.
Shadows rise on the garden wall,
driven to the edge, mankind's fall.

Some nice clean images but i find it lacking in its purpose -- it feels like its all dark but im not sure what the darkness is saying except being dark, u kno what i mean. But i dont have much to say on a structural level so thats a good thing and u had images omg u had images thank u

curlingiron

quote:

Thunder sings its dark refrain
An epitaph to dreaming dead
As static hisses through my veins this is a real good stanza i aint gonna lie. Good rhythm tho maybe epitaph to dreaming dead is bit too vague/melodramatic but ehhh

The hourglass’ ever fewer grains
Pay no heed to all the words we’ve said what words
Thunder sings its dark refrain

A fear from deep within me strains what fear
Against the world that lies ahead ehhh this is kinda lame -- i wish the fear would be detailed more and shown
As static hisses in my veins

The truth upon the soul it stains man u were doing so well w/ that first stanza i was like alrighty then lets get some nice cool images lets learn some stuff but then its like “im scared of the future” and im just like bleh
The path of memory untread its not that the theme is bad its just presented bluntly w/o any details that it doesnt grab me
Thunder sings its dark refrain

What hands are there that hold the reins?
What future still that can’t be fled? i hate questions so i dont like these so maybe theyre alright? But still, just kinda vague
As static hisses through my veins

The walker now a path attains
Although it fills the heart with dread
Thunder sings its dark refrain
As static hisses through my veins
.

I wished u wouldve kept that first stanza’s power throughout the poem. The image was clean and cool and i was super stoked to read this and then it jsut became too vague for me to be interested in

Kurona_bright

quote:

Reject lax acceptance, refuse to save face
Trick not oneself one display might suffice maybe im tired but this sentence feels so wrong fundamentally that my brain rejects it
For rapid but steady, relentless pace who taught u idiots that poems should be vague nonsense. WHERE ARE THE GOSH DARN IMAGES

Should dictators die with their thrones now replaced
Tell yourself still you must pay change's price
Reject lax acceptance, refuse to save face

What have you given? True, make your case
Still, attend to the future and futures you sacrifice
For rapid but steady, relentless pace

So pick up the phone and visit the polling place ok i could actually feel this a little bit but like its too little. The rest of this is so vague and generic that i cant grasp onto anything
Remind yourself, twice
Reject lax acceptance, refuse to save face

And pay no attention to thieves of king's grace
Calling for patience when he'd preached precise
For rapid but steady, relentless pace

Is the world that you dream of the one that you chase?
You know it is. So keep it alive
Reject lax acceptance, refuse to save face
For rapid but steady, relentless pace

TRUMP IS BAD also this is vague and boring and i already wasted my breath on you other fuckwits so please next time you write a poem try to you know put things in here that make this poem yours. What about all of this makes it unique to you. Why should i give a poo poo how you feel over all the people’s feeling about the reflection. Give me you, not just generic “this is not good” crap that this poem is. Show me you. Show ME. LET ME SEE THINGS. LET ME FEEL THINGS.

Genjoe

quote:

There’s a folded note in my lunch today.
Tucked, hiding at the bottom of the bag.
"I'm done, I can't, I'm taking Scott and May." hey look, images, but images that also show me a lot more information that i can infer from them. Thank u

The shift horn petered out, like it was strained
from weeks of underuse; this previous part feels unnecessary tbh “from weeks of underuse -- i guess maybe he lost his job or was laid off or idk maybe this detail is important but its not clear to me I told my friend —
There’s a folded note in my lunch today.

“poo poo, money that tight?” — I couldn’t just say
“Yeah, that’s it,” as if you be really really careful w/ saying you -- thats second persons stuff and honestly it would jsut be to say “as if I” imo could explain away an
“I’m done, I can’t, I’m taking Scott and May.”

You can try it poet-like, you can say:
"We were, like, smoldering, in an ashtray..."
There's a folded note in my lunch today. i dont think this refrain works w/ this stanza

Better that than the truth; the calls, the shame,
the drinks and the soul-tearing morning-afters. this stanza is a lil vague for me -- the shame and the soul-tearing morning-afters dont give me enough, me thinks
"I'm done, I can't, I'm taking Scott and May."

Before work I told her, "Shift's back, okay?"
She took me in her arms while the kids played.
There’s a folded note in my lunch today.
“I’m done, I can’t, I’m taking Scott and May."

Its interesting that TD would pick a poem w/ more of a story bent to be the winner. I mean, its not really surprising but heyyyyy its still good. Good images that tell me more than just what’s on the paper. There’s a purpose, a bit of meaning. I dont think its like crazy good i think it can pushed be a bit harder in some of its themes but w/e.

BeefSupreme

quote:

It’s okay. I’m not afraid to lie.
When they ask you, you know what I will do— i actually rly dont know what ull do
When I’m alone, no one hears me cry. stanza is p vague -- not afraid to lie and that second lie tell me v little.

Your mother makes a hell of a pie. this is alright but idk, i dont see how this quite fits, nor do i see who this “you” is
But I can see it coming, right on queue—
It’s okay. I’m not afraid to lie.

I cringe when you say it, though I know why say what
When you lie to Jacob, when he asks you who—
When I’m alone, no one hears me cry.

We’re in the wrong place. Here, we could die
If they knew the truth, how I feel about you— i mean im just assuming this is like a gay love thing or something idk
It’s okay. I’m not afraid to lie.

I’m afraid of other things. That you’ll say goodbye. THINGS I HATE THING STOP SAYING THING I HATE THINGS
I’m afraid we’ll be the only ones who ever knew—
When I’m alone, no one hears me cry.

It seems easy for you. Like you don’t have to try.
So I doubt. And I wonder. And I don’t have a clue. so im vague. And vague. And i dont want to be clear
It’s okay. I’m not afraid to lie.
When I’m alone, no one hears me cry.


This is alright from what i can tell its about like ~~~~forbidden love~~~~ because of course it loving is but w/e it has like things in it but theres no images and ive said this twenty million times in these critique alone i need to see things i need to touch things let me into your poem dont just tell me some vague crap and have me nod my head and be like “ohhh man ur so deep” because ur not ok u assholes ur just not. I mean this isnt rly directed at u beef but im just saying it to everyone.

God i hate u all.

flerp
Feb 25, 2014

THUNDERDOME LOSER 2019


Sitting Here posted:

wtf more than half failure rate, I am appalled and disappointed. The blood god is not pleased, do you guys really want an angry blood god on your hands

but what about the failure god ever think about that

flerp
Feb 25, 2014

THUNDERDOME LOSER 2019


518 words

No Good Answers

archive

flerp fucked around with this message at Mar 14, 2017 around 05:28

flerp
Feb 25, 2014

THUNDERDOME LOSER 2019


in

flerp
Feb 25, 2014

THUNDERDOME LOSER 2019


429 words

Pretentious Bullshit

archive

flerp fucked around with this message at Mar 14, 2017 around 05:28

flerp
Feb 25, 2014

THUNDERDOME LOSER 2019


my kink is bad fiction

flerp
Feb 25, 2014

THUNDERDOME LOSER 2019


in but im not writing fantasy or scifi gently caress that poo poo

flerp
Feb 25, 2014

THUNDERDOME LOSER 2019


llamaguccii posted:

I've got to get IN on this prompt!

flerp
Feb 25, 2014

THUNDERDOME LOSER 2019


Inexorable Tide
Volcanic Awakening
Dolmen Gate

489 words

Sand Caught in the Laughs

archive

flerp fucked around with this message at Mar 14, 2017 around 05:28

flerp
Feb 25, 2014

THUNDERDOME LOSER 2019


a new study bible! posted:

There are more bad things than good things.

ur a good thing

flerp
Feb 25, 2014

THUNDERDOME LOSER 2019


not my mod

flerp
Feb 25, 2014

THUNDERDOME LOSER 2019


mod more like dumb

flerp
Feb 25, 2014

THUNDERDOME LOSER 2019


yeah these dang goon judges so slow + bad

flerp
Feb 25, 2014

THUNDERDOME LOSER 2019


BeefSupreme posted:

dammit people. learn to spell judgment.


the card even tells you how to spell it

lol if u think we can spel

flerp
Feb 25, 2014

THUNDERDOME LOSER 2019


did somebody say prompt?

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flerp
Feb 25, 2014

THUNDERDOME LOSER 2019


its not even valentines day yet ur gonna get cursed

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