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im just doing a post so i can look up my posts easier later on in the year
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Jan 3, 2017 06:15
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| # ¿ Apr 27, 2024 07:15 |
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Sitting Here posted:^^^^ click the '?' icon under flerp's posts to see how NOT to post in thunderdome im gonna post good actually
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Jan 3, 2017 06:17
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wait poo poo i hosed up already
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Jan 3, 2017 06:17
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dragon brawl results i dont like either of these ignoring the weird whatever the gently caress happened, sebmojo's had a too cutesy tone and its prose felt off. it was too direct and simple, making it feel mostly lifeless. which is true, because there was no life in the main character who first watched a dragon and then watched a person pick a lock and then watched dudes talk for a bit and then watched a person play a flute and then, whoa, played a flute! why did they want to see the dragon? idk. they didnt even seem to care that the dragon was gonna be killed or whatever, the protag was just an idiot i guess. pretty boring. id much rather read about the girl who tried to save the dragon, she seemed way more interesting then the dumb idiot girl who jumped down because she was an idiot. that dragon saving girl seemed to have motivations and i really did not care about the protag whatsoever. ska's was boring too so hey, at least there's that much! it was just a bunch of banter and it had no idea what it was trying to be. was it about discovering a dragon? i guess, but that doesnt really go anywhere. was it about the romance? i think that's what its about, but then why is there so much drat talk about the dragon. like, ok, i get it, that's prob how these irl things would go down but like i dont actually care because a lot of irl stuff is like super loving boring. for a story that is just a majority of two people talking to each other, the dialogue is pretty stale. like, even when that one person did the flirt thing and the protag was like "wow that guy's an apex predator" that was awful. both the apex predator line and the dialogue. it was just mostly boring talking that needed some energy to it. either the dialogue needed to be a whole of lot more entertaining, or there needed to be more action or something happening. i mean, hell, all the story is is "two people talk for a while, figure out the dragon's prob real, oh and theyre romantically involved." the relationship and history of the characters are established well enough, but you probably couldve established all of that in less than half of the words and had things happen like maybe the dragon could burn everything down or like idk somebody would do a thing or thered be a complication in the fact that they cant be together??? like what if the dragon was a fraud? i guess maybe you were trying to parallel the discovery of dragon = the discovery of love, and the testing of the dragon is testing the old love again which is kinda okay but the story is just so dull that i dont care. oh well whatever ska is the winner because his protag did things and wasnt a big massive idiot which (imo) are good things for a protag to be.
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Jan 3, 2017 09:54
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in
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Jan 3, 2017 21:18
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1200 words It’s Not Much to Listen archives flerp fucked around with this message at 06:26 on Mar 14, 2017 |
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Jan 9, 2017 05:14
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Sitting Here posted:Prompt will be up in ~6 hours, until then feel free to poo poo up the thread with gifs for me to ignore can i poo poo it up w/o gifs?
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Jan 10, 2017 01:12
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anime was right posted:*is ejected directly into the toilet dimension* get out of my house
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Jan 10, 2017 01:16
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sebmojo posted:Interorompt: the stupidest dog 75 words sebmojo
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Jan 10, 2017 01:32
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in and  ing is my soul
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Jan 10, 2017 06:39
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SkaAndScreenplays posted:
hey yeah ill write two stories idgaf and theyll both be better than urs
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Jan 10, 2017 09:39
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Sitting Here posted:i crave death me 2
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Jan 11, 2017 22:58
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ok ill write sincere garbage then
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Jan 12, 2017 23:57
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528 words Somewhere archives flerp fucked around with this message at 06:27 on Mar 14, 2017 |
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Jan 16, 2017 00:48
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749 words Sorry, I’m Not Flying archives flerp fucked around with this message at 06:27 on Mar 14, 2017 |
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Jan 16, 2017 00:54
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SurreptitiousMuffin posted:Okay well I am not really into Reaper/76 slash as a rule because I don't really see them ever getting together. It's not like they're old war buddies who ended up on different sides of the same coin and hatefuck occasionally (that's Reaper/Mcree tyvm) -- Morrison and Reyes were in different units and haven't really interacted all that much in the official background. same kurona_bright posted:Well actually Reaper used to be the old leader of Overwatch and Morrison joined alongside him and they were "friends" (ha). And then Morrison got promoted over Reyes and Reyes got really loving jealous and they had an epic break-up that ended up blowing up the main headquarters of an international organization as well as the organization itself. So basically you're wrong and you should read up on canon more, you utter scrub. same
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Jan 17, 2017 01:15
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The Unholy Ghost posted:Thanks for the extended review, even though I ran over the word count— and thanks to Erogenous Beef for his review as well. My only defense for my mess is that I feel more suited to writing novels rather than short stories. we dont need or want a defense
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Jan 17, 2017 08:02
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probably shouldnt but in
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Jan 18, 2017 08:44
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SurreptitiousMuffin posted:we are dead and this is hell heres some of my thoughts and theyre not going to "there was no story" though it is quite pretty. bringing up pain comes out of nowhere. the rest of the piece had nothing to do with pain, and more with the narrator saying they werent fat. there were no previous pain except maybe being called fat by your sister would hurt, but i think the pain in this is meant to be more of a physical pain, not just a wow my sister is a jerk to me pain. im rly not a fan of stacking similes on top of each other. the "woven through me like highways through a nation..." similes doesnt quite work for me because i feel like none of them are given the signficance that a good simile can command. and each of the similes arent particularly powerful, imo. im not saying theyre bad, theyre quite alright, but i wouldve liked to have one very resonant, meaningful simile than just three decent similes. also "spread and eager" feels weird to me, i think because spread is a physical description of flower and eager is a mental state, so they dont quite fit together. then i dont really understand the "collapsing inward" -- why? the person says theyre in a lot of pain, but the only thing we see them really suffer with is that theyre called fat when they dont think theyre fat. theres pain, theres suffering, but none of it is known and the issue, too, is that i dont know what kind of pain. i cant tell if its physical, emotional, spirtual, mental. its just the abstract of pain. maybe, after all, that's the point, since the last paragraph does say that the narrator is trying to find a way to describe the pain, but even then, i dont feel like ive seen a journey of the narrator actually trying to find a way to the pain. but, i think a part of this piece is for it contradict itself quite a few times (or maybe not and im an idiot) tbf, i do like how use the fatness is used at the end. in that, the fatness is the narrator's pain growing more and more inside of them. i wouldve liked to seen that extension a little earlier in the poem, as the pain and fatness feel unconnected until the end. its still rather odd, though, that the narrator is willing to say that theyre not fat and yet be so willing to say they are pain. the two are so connected to each other that it feels contradictory for the narrator to accept one and reject the other. perhaps, that was intentional. and, when i thought about the piece more, there were a little of contradictions. the narrator becoming fat is because of his pain, but the pain is accepted and the fat is rejected. the narrator says he gets smaller every day, but he keeps getting fatter because of the greater pain. i think that was meant to be in there to an extent, but it makes the piece seem jumbled and unclear and i dont ultimately know what to take away from this. in some ways, i think that's the point -- that pain doesnt always have a point or meaning. something about the ending parapgraph bothers me, though -- it doesnt feel quite as connected to rest of the piece. i dont, personally, know what you were going for with the rest of the piece, since it feels contradictory and unclear, which is why i think i really hate the last few lines. i like the sentiment, "One day, I will do something deeply impolite -- find words for my pain," but it feels too... clean of a conclusion. the whole piece, previously, seemed unsure and uneasy, trying to wrestle with both a physical fatness and more abstract pain, but then the endings like "welp yeah this is how it is" and packs everything all nicely in a box and calls it a day. in some ways, i dont actually want there to be much meaning in this piece. i would almost prefer this to have an ending that just further contradict everything you said earlier. because, funnily enough, that makes it consistent. in trying to make a grand statement in this particular piece, i feel like the whole piece should have been building up to that particular statement and yet... i dont feel it. i dont feel like the narrator ever really wanted to find the words for their pain. it sure doesnt seem like it from the previous paragraphs. i like, though, the last line, because it is very contradictory like the rest of the piece. the narrator is not being silence. hell, theyre being loud as hell with their grand images. i feel like either reworking or even cutting that second to last line might make the ending seem better. part of this piece's purpose seems to have been about there being little meaning or understanding of pain and by explaining pain in that way made it lose some of its impact for me. it mightve been nice to see a source of pain, or at least, be hinted at one. i think it might just be aging, since getting fatter is usually because one gets older, but even then, that still feels rather vague. i dont need a long explanation of the pain, but just something brief could possibly ground me into this narrator's personal pain more and help me understand better. these thoughts r kind of rambly so i hope theyre helpful
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Jan 18, 2017 09:39
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It’s a poem about death (because that’s every poem) archive flerp fucked around with this message at 06:28 on Mar 14, 2017 |
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Jan 23, 2017 06:36
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Thranguy posted:Four Letters fjgj
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Jan 23, 2017 07:01
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hes alright i guess
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Jan 23, 2017 22:34
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Julias posted:This is the worst prompt ever. ur the worst prompt ever
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Jan 24, 2017 07:11
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in
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Jan 24, 2017 17:13
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peeom crits (bcause all of ur poems taste like piss) Jay W. Friks quote:Kept behind risk and filled up space this line is rather vague, a bad thing for a poem. Kept behind risk doesnt tell me anything and neither does filled up space, space filled up with what? How is something kept behind risk? It wouldve been great for this to have some images like bars or something because i didnt even know until halfway through that this was about a prison break Work on clarity -- show its a prison immediately, explain who the her is. Dont be vague and dont assume i know what ur talking about. Djeser quote:In tapestry, the unicorn stands bound, This is fine. If you kept up your imagery from the first stanza, this wouldve been p good but it gets vague. I dont rly like the folk lore-y tone since it seems forced at time (for example “now i am he”). Muffin quote:My woman lies back - spits out smoke, fingers unfurled – Thranguy quote:Colleen and Sam, and Sam’s pet pangolin I dont like this, its very awkward and forced, mostly because i dont think a villanelle isnt really the structure for this kind of poem (which rly isnt trying to be a poem and more of an adventure story but like w/e). I mean im historically not a big fan of adventure/action stuff but even then there’s not a lot of rhythm, the structure feels forced, the action and details are vague, and not much happens (as is the case with villanelle since u have to keep repeating yourself). So, good on you for trying to do something different but like idk i think this was a bad idea from the start and u prob shouldve known better. And even if it was going to fail inherently, you couldve at least made the structure or words work or something. cutofyourjib quote:Her smile arrays a gunpowder plot. Yeah i guess this is ok but i dont rly feel anything. Its kinda all explained at the beginning -- the guy is doing treasonous thing and his beloved betrays him. We dont rly learn anything new after that. jonjoe quote:Life is severed from what I dream. Yeah i guess i just dont like it. There’s a lot of angst and frustration in here that it almost feels like a teenager with a thesaurus -- “truly alone” and the whole “everyone but me is a sheep and fools” vibe i get. But besides that, there’s nothing to grasp onto -- no images, no specificity. Even if this is about the election/inauguration (which it might very well be), i dont know if thats the case. Its just kind of unclear anger and frustration which gives me very clear anger and frustration at this poem. Chernabog quote:A gleaming rainbow; rainbows are (unfortunately) cliched nowdays which is a shame because a good rainbow is rly cool but u kinda have to earn rainbows nowadays a missive in the sky. This wasnt bad. I find it just a bit too generic. The images are alright, the rhythm is fine, i dont like the AAA rhyme but that could be me but idk it doesnt like impress me any. Its quite fine but i dont feel like it pushes itself any further than it is. I guess my issue is that it doesnt ever feel like its ur own. Its just like im sad but not like specific sad just generic sad which is a bad thing. Okua quote:No corpses Good images. A little grimdark but whatever. Could be cleaned up but aint that the case for everything. I guess i feel like its lacking a little bit in like its overall purpose -- what is it trying to say? While it does go all like “war keeps a place scarred even though it’s ended” i kinda wished i could take more out of it besides that (which i got from the first stanza). steeltoedsneakers quote:Fragile and blue, you made me so afraid time for another addition of flerp being mad that there are vague pronouns in the opening line GOD DAMNIT I mean i think this is sweet but it also falls into some or rly just a lot of cliche trappings that i didnt feel any real attachment. I dont want to say it isnt real, but rather it doesn’t feel real. I feel genuineness but i dont feel like i completely understand this parent. It just feels like a parent’s fear generalized vs specific fear. sparkbloom quote:just throw the letters in the trash honestly i thought this was about writing but who knows maybe im wrong So like i think some punctuation would be nice here. Its not necessary and i did the same thing when i started writing poetry but my teacher once told me to look at punctuation as a tool and that by not using punctuation ur like denying urself a tool to improve ur work. I mean u do u obv but its a thing to think about. Anyways i dont actually like this much. Its pretty vague and i dont rly see what the judges see in this since im just left shrugging and thinking hmmmmm okay? Maybe im just too dense to notice the wordplay which is prob true but even then if theres that idk i wouldve liked to u know see things and feel things but i dont get it from this poem. These vitriol but i dont ever feel like it ever comes alive in the poem. I guess i just dont think that having wordplay is enough to substitute for a vague poem. I mean this obv all subjective and up to taste but im a big fan of images soooooo take 4 that what u will. Entenzahn quote:beat so fast, like drums my heart that races ohhhh man this is not a good opening line. “Like drumbs my heart that races” -- my heart races would be better (even that would be cliche) but i dont know theres a rhythm to it that’s off -- i think beat so fast is a weird way to start and then lets look at the simile. “Like drums” makes since since beats lines up w/ drums but then u say “my heart that race” w/o any punctuation. So, idk if the simile is meant to be “beat so fast like drums comma my heart that races” (which still sound bad, but links together the ideas better) or the way it is presented because “like drums my heart that races” is just so… awkward and awful I like this more than sparks at least because u know put some images in but im left trying to find what ur trying to say. Ok its a club and there’s music and even tho theres a lot of sound ur not rly feeling anything but idk i dont feel like im able to take much away from this. Kaishai quote:The lord of luck, he clothes himself in lies. i think it mightve been cool to get an image of what a clothing of lies looks like -- maybe itd be tough and prob be hard to make that fit into a villanelle, but idk thats an idea I mean i dont have much issues with this but i dont have much praise for this either. Its not bad which is obv a good thing but i find myself not mustering up anything to care about this. The images are decent but dont draw me in, the rhythm is fine but not exciting, the movement is there but it doesnt feel compelling. It lacks a drawing power, something to bring me and excite me. trex quote:She is too young to understand such things i can understand why u would want this as a line in a villanelle but i dont like it as a opening line Ok this is quite alright but i felt i started understanding the poem w/ the line “she has his eyes” and i started to see like, ok, the narrator’s teaching her daughter or w/e languages as like her lasting impression but i think that needed to come way earlier in the poem and be the main driving force rather than coming in like the second to last stanza. Fuschia tude quote:It's easy to get to that shadowy place. place is almost as bad as things for how vague it is Yeah i guess if this is about death then its kinda lame but if its not its not v clear on what its trying to be. If so its a bit weak w/ the images and i wouldve liked to take away something more than just it being about death and death kinda sucks. Julias quote:Wanderlust This is v precise, which is a good thing. The rhythm is nice and its hard to edit because it can be easily lost. Theres a lot of change and movement in this but im not quite sure what to take away from this. Maybe im rly dense buttttttttt i find myself just kinda confused even tho i appreciate the words. I feel like theres something here and maybe its just me but i cant see it even tho ive read it through a couple times. Metrofreak quote:‘Twas good to see you once again No images really, awkward lines. I think the narrator killed this dude hes talking and then theres like a ghost or maybe its real and hes dying or idk i really dont care. God is it really that hard for u idiots to just give me something to look at its all i want in poem im a simple, simple man. Katdicks quote:An arson? Well, that is a mystery. idk i dont rly like this… starting w/ a question is lame and it feels a lil obv to me (that this person is gonna be the 1 to do the arson) but well see i guess Well i guess the obviousness isnt there but uhhhh who cares? Like theres nothing interesting here. Theres a burning house and then the narrators like w/e time to go back to bed. Im missing something clearly but likeeeeee idk. Theres nothing to latch onto here. Nothing specific besides burning house and i dont feel like im supposed to take away anything from this except maybe fire happens? Hawklad quote:Shadows rise on the garden wall. Some nice clean images but i find it lacking in its purpose -- it feels like its all dark but im not sure what the darkness is saying except being dark, u kno what i mean. But i dont have much to say on a structural level so thats a good thing and u had images omg u had images thank u curlingiron quote:Thunder sings its dark refrain I wished u wouldve kept that first stanza’s power throughout the poem. The image was clean and cool and i was super stoked to read this and then it jsut became too vague for me to be interested in  Kurona_bright quote:Reject lax acceptance, refuse to save face TRUMP IS BAD also this is vague and boring and i already wasted my breath on you other fuckwits so please next time you write a poem try to you know put things in here that make this poem yours. What about all of this makes it unique to you. Why should i give a poo poo how you feel over all the people’s feeling about the reflection. Give me you, not just generic “this is not good” crap that this poem is. Show me you. Show ME. LET ME SEE THINGS. LET ME FEEL THINGS. Genjoe quote:There’s a folded note in my lunch today. Its interesting that TD would pick a poem w/ more of a story bent to be the winner. I mean, its not really surprising but heyyyyy its still good. Good images that tell me more than just what’s on the paper. There’s a purpose, a bit of meaning. I dont think its like crazy good i think it can pushed be a bit harder in some of its themes but w/e. BeefSupreme quote:It’s okay. I’m not afraid to lie. This is alright from what i can tell its about like ~~~~forbidden love~~~~ because of course it loving is but w/e it has like things in it but theres no images and ive said this twenty million times in these critique alone i need to see things i need to touch things let me into your poem dont just tell me some vague crap and have me nod my head and be like “ohhh man ur so deep” because ur not ok u assholes ur just not. I mean this isnt rly directed at u beef but im just saying it to everyone. God i hate u all.
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Jan 26, 2017 09:03
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Sitting Here posted:wtf more than half failure rate, I am appalled and disappointed. The blood god is not pleased, do you guys really want an angry blood god on your hands but what about the failure god ever think about that
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Jan 30, 2017 17:52
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518 words No Good Answers archive flerp fucked around with this message at 06:28 on Mar 14, 2017 |
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Jan 30, 2017 19:12
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in
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Feb 2, 2017 22:40
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429 words Pretentious Bullshit archive flerp fucked around with this message at 06:28 on Mar 14, 2017 |
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Feb 6, 2017 03:25
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my kink is bad fiction
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Feb 6, 2017 17:50
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in but im not writing fantasy or scifi gently caress that poo poo
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Feb 7, 2017 17:37
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llamaguccii posted:I've got to get IN on this prompt! 
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Feb 10, 2017 21:50
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Inexorable Tide Volcanic Awakening Dolmen Gate 489 words Sand Caught in the Laughs archive flerp fucked around with this message at 06:28 on Mar 14, 2017 |
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Feb 13, 2017 04:03
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a new study bible! posted:There are more bad things than good things. ur a good thing
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Feb 13, 2017 18:26
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not my mod
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Feb 13, 2017 20:38
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mod more like dumb
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Feb 13, 2017 20:38
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yeah these dang goon judges so slow + bad
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Feb 14, 2017 04:18
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BeefSupreme posted:dammit people. learn to spell judgment. lol if u think we can spel
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Feb 14, 2017 07:02
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did somebody say prompt?
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Feb 14, 2017 07:04
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| # ¿ Apr 27, 2024 07:15 |
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its not even valentines day yet ur gonna get cursed
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Feb 14, 2017 07:09
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