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I went home (Tampa) on Sunday. I was supposed to stay until Friday. I lasted until Tuesday before I changed my flight to Wednesday. While I was there, I realized that I don't have a single positive memory of that place, or of my childhood. Yeah, I scored a touchdown in a football game once. I had my first kiss. But I don't really have any impactful positive memories. Every memory I have is negative. My dad beating my mom and walking out on us. Getting molested. Us being so poor that we would go without lights for a day or two so my mom could get her paycheck. Being so ashamed of the trailer we lived in that I never told anyone where I lived. I never owned anything new until recently (I'm 31); everything was a hand-me-down. I didn't really have any friends growing up. On Friday nights when everyone would go to the mall, I would bounce from group to group, never really finding one that I fit in with. I began failing miserably in school. Then we moved away when I was 15. I went back when I was 19 and watched my grandmother waste away until she died. Then I got hooked on pills to the point where joining the army honestly had the added benefit of being a sort-of rehab for me. I tried to commit suicide when I was 25, in 2012. I moved back immediately after the army in 2014 and started losing my mind again. I've since gotten a lot better as far as my depression goes. I still live with it, but I don't want to hurl myself out of a window anymore. But I had a revelation when I was in Tampa driving around: I am a bad person. Not bad in the sense that I do bad or evil things. On the contrary I think I have a lot of good qualities. I am incredibly generous with my time. I can think very quick on my feet when it comes to problem solving. I work hard. But the qualities I bring to any type of relationship, be it friendship or otherwise, is where I have majorly hosed it up. It's just a chore to know me. It's a pain in the rear end to be my friend -- probably why I don't have any. I have the inability to accept things and people the way they are. If you are doing something in a way that I don't agree with, I get annoyed, even if what you are doing is perfectly acceptable -- it's not acceptable to me. I want everyone to fall into my same shade of gray. I want relationships to be dictated by my terms, not our terms, and definitely not your terms. My circle of friends is actually a straight line -- it starts at me and ends at Monty, with nothing in between. I am the reason. I have ruined every relationship I have ever had because I just can't compromise. My logic for why I want to do something a certain way, or why I feel a certain way, always seems 100% sound to me, If that is the case, why should I ever compromise if I am sure that I am 100% right? Maybe this is narcissism? I just need to learn, but I've been the way I am for so long that I honestly don't know how to be different other than just never saying anything, ever. When I get gassed up, I lose control of myself. At times I will have somewhat of an out of body experience, where I will be watching myself doing or saying something foolish, and I will not be able to intervene. I am lost to the moment and I can't see how my behavior is damaging my relationships with people. In hindsight, I always see how it was damaging, but you can only say "sorry" so many times before you push people away and have no one to say sorry to anymore. If I draw a map of my life, from birth until now, I can see how I became this way. It's a long line of lovely dominoes that cause me to be such a horrible person to know. Every domino that fell before entrenched me further. It may actually seem reasonable for me to be this way. My life has, by and large, been really loving lovely, and I have reacted accordingly. But I want to change. I'm not necessarily depressed about this revelation. I can't fix what I don't know needs to be fixed. I'm hoping I will be able to become a better person in light of this. I dunno, I'm just kind of rambling here.
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Mar 22, 2019 02:49
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| # ¿ Apr 26, 2024 18:55 |
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I appreciate the kind words from everyone. I made a tough decision after my trip to Florida. I changed my number, my email address, and deleted all of my social media in an effort to cut everyone in my family off. I know it seems extreme, but they bum me out. They are incredibly negative and it just brings me down and causes me to be self deprecating. I still believe all of the things I said in my previous post: I have a lot of work to do. But now that I am back in a comfortable space and hanging with Monty, I realized that this is just the next step in my personal growth. I have come a LONG way in the last 6-7 years, and I shouldn't discount that.
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Mar 24, 2019 20:12
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Riggy posted:I am so loving done with the military and the army in general. I am done working 16 to 18 hour days and getting piled on with extra poo poo because my leadership can't plan to save their lives and has people (i.e. me) working 2 to 3 different jobs at the same time. One thing I have learned since recently finishing school and getting a big boy job: this part may not change depending on what profession. But I will say this: 18 bullshit civilian hours is way different than 18 bullshit army hours.
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Apr 17, 2019 12:14
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Riggy posted:Are you almost treated like a an adult human being with rights and not told to shut the gently caress up when things make no sense? Yeah, it's wild.You still might put up with bullshit hours (I was averaging 65 hours a week over the course of three months -- 80 hours a week towards the end -- but now I'm back to 40/wk). You're 99% guaranteed to run into incompetent management. But my worst day at my current job is still better than some of my best days in the army.
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Apr 17, 2019 22:12
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I feel very indifferent about my contribution to the US loving up in Afghanistan and I don’t ever really give it thought but hoooollllllyyyyy shiiiiiiit do I harbor a lot of resentment towards the military for ruining my life.
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Apr 30, 2019 17:38
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I have refused to take SSRIs for the better part of four years because of the debilitating brain zaps I got from missing a dose. If my prescription doesn’t get filled on time I will collapse from the severity of the brain zaps. They kill my equilibrium. It was so bad that I made the choice to risk being suicidal instead.
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May 1, 2019 13:55
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The easiest way to go into the store? Go into the store. I’ve adopted the Nike motto for most of the stuff like that. Pumping yourself up for it is like saying you’ll start working out on Monday. You’re just giving yourself more time to not actually accomplish anything. Just. Go. In.
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May 28, 2019 19:23
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bird cooch posted:
Good job. Who gives a poo poo how you got it done. You got it done.
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May 28, 2019 21:53
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One of those days. I’m depressed. I spent a lot of time laying in bed last night thinking about life. I’m just not happy. I don’t know what to do to get happy. I asked for more hours at work because, even though I wasn’t happy working the 70-80 weeks a few months ago, at least I was too tired and busy to be depressed. And boy howdy do I feel like a crybaby after typing that.
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May 29, 2019 14:01
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| # ¿ Apr 26, 2024 18:55 |
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Something I heard that I want to clear up: If I go to a psychologist (or even a psychiatrist, but with no intention of getting a prescription for anything) and use my insurance, do insurance companies require a diagnosis for them to pay? I started seeing a counselor about a month ago and I pay cash because she doesn’t have to keep any type of records. She said in order for insurance to reimburse her, she would need to provide them a diagnosis after so many visits, and I want to know how true that is. I know she would have to keep records regardless, I’m just curious about the diagnosis part. E: a quick google tells me that this IS the case. Probably something worth knowing. colachute fucked around with this message at 16:32 on Jul 11, 2019 |
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Jul 11, 2019 16:08
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