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I see my therapist in the morning. I don't think I'm gonna be able to sleep tonight. I'm sickened by all of this. It shouldn't be controversial to not attack peaceful protesters. I don't loving understand. It's not only horrible and should be illegal, but it is a surefire way to get the people to hate you even more than they already do. And it'll get previously neutral ones to hate you, too. It's a dumbass tactic and anyone who thinks it's a good idea needs to be fired and arrested. The lack of riot control training, in addition to the lack of command and control, and the pure hatred in the hearts of so many cops is loving astounding. Some of these fucks just rush in swinging. Whatever happened to what you learned in the academy? Ask, tell, make. Push lightly with the baton to get them to move if you have to. Not swinging and smacking faces. What the gently caress, you violent pricks? Yeah, I'd be pissed if I had to be in full riot gear sweating my rear end off and had to wait 8 hours to take a piss, too. But I wouldn't take it out on the citizens I swore to protect. Innocents who are literally just standing there talking, or sitting down, or sure, yelling, maybe throwing bottles. Who gives a gently caress? I'd be mad at the 4 assholes in Minneapolis who broke their oath and murdered a poor man. I'd want to beat the poo poo out of those fucks for being a stain on the profession. I wouldn't take it out on innocent people. loving pieces of poo poo. Only a loving coward hits protesters. If I didn't have my girlfriend to worry about I don't know what I'd do. I feel hopeless, and helpless. I feel like I can't even reach out to former colleagues because I don't know how they feel about all of this. I'd probably lose a ton of friends. Maybe I should lose them as friends. I feel like nothing is going to get better in the U.S. I feel like we're just going to eventually slide down into an abyss of fascism, or have a civil insurrection with a gently caress ton of dead cops (some maybe even my former colleagues, and my college and high school friends who went into LE), and an even more ton of dead innocent bystanders, alongside whoever took up guns against police. I can't help but think we're going to see an It Could Happen Here episode come alive. The elections are months away. 2020 sucks and can kiss my hairy rear end. Trump wasn't the cause of all of this, but he sure as gently caress put gasoline on the fire on countless occasions. I hope he strokes the gently caress out. Bored As Fuck fucked around with this message at 09:05 on Jun 2, 2020 |
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Jun 2, 2020 09:02
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Woofer posted:taking a break from the forums. probably gonna go join the protesters in DC. Be safe, please gear up, and write your lawyers name and the bail funds name on your arm.
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Jun 2, 2020 12:45
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Anyone have an invite? Could use some people to talk to.
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Jun 24, 2020 07:20
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gently caress 2021. I thought 2020 was bad. But 2021 is just a continuation of everything. Everything's the same. I make 1 step of progress and the universe pushes me back 2 steps. That's happened like 4 times this past year. And now it's happened again. And I just have to keep waiting for every poo poo sandwich the universe feeds me, and I just gotta take it and eat it, because there's nothing I can do about it. gently caress 2021 too.
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Jan 8, 2021 11:29
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Oh cool my dad has pancreatic cancer so on top of a year that included me losing a job now I get to watch my dad die, and have to help my mom who's a wreck with RA, fibromyalgia and a million other problems. gently caress this gay earth. gently caress this.
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Mar 16, 2021 02:53
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Thanks man.
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Mar 16, 2021 03:51
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Wasabi the J posted:Whenever someone suggests calling the police for disturbances/nuisance calls, I typically ask if we're trying to kill someone, and that usually discourages most people. Sometimes a state's or a county's mental health deptartment has a mobile crisis team on call. If you're worried about calling the cops on the person, maybe try calling them first. Do note that if the person has a weapon or is threatening violence, the mobile crisis team will almost assuredly call the cops themselves.
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May 11, 2021 20:04
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Dad was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in March. Dad couldn't handle the chemo, it hosed him up too much. Reached out to Mayo clinic and they said he might be a candidate for surgery, but they have to do a test. Apparently they have this machine that's way better than a PET scan that can see way more. Two weeks ago my dad goes to Mayo and wad told the pqncreatic cancer metastasized to liver and throughout a big artery. No surgery option. 6 - 12 months to live, maybe. Chemo not worth it to try. Dad's health declined the past 2 weeks, extreme fatigue, afib. Today he rapidly declined and had to go to ER. He died an hour ago. Going from numb and in shock, to breaking down and crying hysterically. Luckily every one in my family was there to say goodbye. He hung on just long enough and basically let go once we told him he could rest. Turned out both the NP and the ER doc lost one of their parents to pan can. They were great. gently caress cancer. gently caress this earth. He was literally the best man and person I've ever met. He deserved a few months of checking poo poo off his bucket list. Then when he declined we just hoped for a few good weeks. Then a few good days. But he didn't get any good days.
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May 25, 2021 01:06
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Thank you all so much for your kind words. It means a lot, more than you know. fresh_cheese posted:Cancer got my dad when i was 19. He was just starting to tell me all the cool/dumb poo poo he did when he was a kid because i was finally old enough not to try to top it. Thank you for this. I'm so sorry about your dad, too. I'm so sorry he went so young.
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May 25, 2021 14:43
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Eason the Fifth posted:I'm sorry man. Mine went in 2014 from an abdominal aneurysm. He got hurt at work but it burst before they could do anything about it. It's the one thing that really divided my life into before and after. The grief is going to ambush you for the next year or so and it absolutely sucks. For what it's worth, I found that remembering the good times, and being the kind of person he'd want you to be, will help get you through. It did for me, anyway. Thank you very much. This is definitely going to help. I'm so sorry about your dad. That's so sudden and horrible. Thank you to everyone here. I appreciate everything everyone has said. I also want to advise anyone that hasn't, please have a conversation with your parents about their wishes about end of life, funeral, burial/cremation, services, costs, etc. It's a morbid topic but after we finish with my dad's, we're going back to pre-plan my mom's funeral so she can get what she wants. Morbid, but saves heartache later. We thought we had more time with my dad to plan that all out, but life isn't fair sometimes.
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May 27, 2021 01:49
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I loving hate my job. Someone tell me how to get into cyber security. I'm willing to go back to school for it. I have a BS in Business Admin and Marketing and I'm almost finished with a Masters in Homeland Security. My mental health has been so hosed since my dad died a few months ago, and being in a toxic work environment with sociopaths for leaders isn't helping. Sorry if this is the wrong thread. I'm struggling here.
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Sep 26, 2021 17:11
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I hate my job because of the toxic leadership, who is loving over any chance of mine to transfer - he talked poo poo about me to other potential employers (inside the company) when they called for a reference. I hate not using my intellect. I wanted to go into federal intel, but so far I've had zero luck whatsoever. Years ago I got into the FBI hiring process for Intel Analyst, passed the first test, then failed the written essay test that was somehow graded by a loving computer. Tried for NSA, passed their crazy rear end test, but was not referred. All of this because I stupidly never joined the military, so all the vets with security clearances and/or intel experience get every job over me. Hundreds of applications, customized cover letters, tailored resume for jobs. So much time wasted. Applications to ATF, DEA, DHS, USSS, even TSA - all Intelligence Analyst or Investigative Analyst positions - rejected. I've been told its because I accurately self assess my KSAs, while other people lie and say they're an expert in everything - so the loving dumbass algorithm only sends those liars forward and leaves anyone honest behind. I've got no "in" anywhere important. Only in USDA, and they're not doing poo poo. And I'm aged out for any 1811 series poo poo, not that I'd be medically cleared, with my back injury. Got no education for cyber, or computer poo poo. I feel so goddamn useless.
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Sep 27, 2021 13:17
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Thank you both very much, I appreciate it. I'll look into contract work.
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Sep 28, 2021 18:35
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Ziji posted:Don't worry, it didn't last long. Been on the brink lately, not even sure why I stopped in to check out SA or why I am posting this. PTSD is a bitch. Buddy from my old unit got into a motorcycle accident and is paralyzed now. I'm going to visit him but no one gives a poo poo about anyone anymore. I would rejoin the discord and talk about it but if I'm being real, talking about everything doesn't help; it makes it worse. Things that were never an issue for me before, particularly from my deployment, are all encompassing now. I just hope y'all are doing good. I want you to listen to this guy - he's a former Green Beret, former CAG, and former CIA. This interview with him was so, so inspiring for me. I think you might get something out of it, especially because he went through some very dark times with PTSD. I really got a lot out of it. And I'm not even a vet. https://youtu.be/oZLUyOmJt3c
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Oct 12, 2021 18:20
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Force de Fappe posted:Hey, CISO here. Thanks man, I appreciate it. Will do some more research and may get back to you.
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Nov 2, 2021 15:58
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pantslesswithwolves posted:Good for you, Cole. Glad that you've made so much progress and that now you've got the tools to sustain it. That's great man. My therapist helps me a lot. I'm glad you finally found one. Onto my vent: poo poo's been tough since my dad died. It's hard to go to my mom's house. Every time I go there I get depressed and sad, every time I pass the loveseat in the den where he used to read, or pass his room, or see his clothes in the laundry room. My mom's coping decently. She says she talks to him all day long, and that it helps. I talk to him too sometimes. I've been so busy the last couple of weeks I haven't been to his grave in a while. I need to go. It's so tough because I really do want to help my mom as much as I can, but it's a harsh reminder of our loss every time I go there. I feel like I go out of obligation both to my mom, and to my dad. I know he'd want me to step up and help my ma. I don't know how she can stand to stay in the house. She copes with retail therapy, but the house is a mess of poo poo she won't ever use. I've always butted heads with my mom. Never had that issue with my dad. My dad always said he hoped he would die first. My mom said she wanted to die first. I feel bad for saying it but my mom and I have always butt heads and she's mentally ill (way more than even I am) and difficult and annoying. I'd never be able to live with my mom again - it'd kill our relationship. If my mom died and dad was left, it wouldn't even be a question on whether or not me and my now-fiance would move in. We'd save tons of money on rent, and be able to help my dad every day. I feel bad for thinking it but I really do wish my mom went first. I'm pretty sure she feels the same way too. I recently got engaged, and just finally booked a wedding venue. It's exciting and heartbreaking at the same time. Literally everything is going to be bittersweet. My dad didn't see me lose the weight I needed to lose, or get engaged, and he's not going to see me get married and get drunk with me at the wedding, and he'll never meet my kids. I broke down and cried constantly for about a half hour this past week. My fiancé - weird to say - called me and calmed me down. This was the first time since dad died that I haven't needed a lorazepam to stop having an anxiety attack. First time I cried hysterically in about a month. It was good to get it out. My fiance said that everything is going to be bittersweet, and that that's ok, and that it's okay to be sad about it at the same time as enjoying it - all of the things I should be so excited about, and I am a little excited about it. But she gets to have her parents there. I don't. She misses my dad terribly too. My dad talked to her every day when I was going through my darkest time in 2020 when I was pretty close to killing myself. I pushed my family away for what now seems like stupid reasons, and isolated and was in a very deep depression for about 6 months. My dad helped talk her through dealing with my bullshit that she didn't deserve to deal with. So she misses him for all the advice and also every other reason. He was a truly great, kind, giving, funny, wonderful man. I just miss talking to him. Having imaginary conversations with him and knowing what he'd say isn't enough anymore. I miss everything about him. I really really hope he's up there looking out for me, and helping me, and looking down on me and seeing my progress. I kind of think he is. I'm in the process of interviewing for a new job that would be good deal better than my current poo poo job, and I'm also in the year+ process of getting a federal job finally, though I don't know how good my chances are. But maybe he really is looking out for me. I hope so. Bored As Fuck fucked around with this message at 14:25 on Nov 18, 2021 |
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Nov 18, 2021 07:10
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Hahahhahahahhahhqhahahhahahhahha loving dream job rejects me after I pass the dreaded resume filter. Get through two online tests, even get through a loving phone interview. Then I get an in person interview. 2 weeks later a letter. Thanks a lot. Try again maybe. I'm so loving stupid. I can't even believe I thought they might take a loving retarded broke brained piece of poo poo like me. Why. Why loving would they? Why would any job? I hosed the interview. I thought I did okay in 3 areas. But then I bad mouthed my current job a little like a loving moron. Said promotions are witheld cuz its kind of an old boys club. Probably hosed up two or three other questions too cuz I'm a dumb piece of poo poo. Have an interview coming up with a job that I'll hate and requires a 2 yr contract before you can apply for other positions in the agency. Lmao why am I even thinking that far? I'm such a dumb piece of poo poo who is too honest in interviews and blabs his loving mouth too loving much becUse of a broke loving brain. I'll never even get passed an in person interview, much less a medical and poly. Years of not doing any illegal drugs cuz poo poo i want a good job better not smoke weed that might help my anxiety, better not try those ketamine clinics that help ptsd snd severe depression! loving so loving stupid. I'm literally the dumbest "intelligent" person on the planet. Years of study, countless books, interest, podcasts, keeping up with foreign affairs, literally all for nothing. loving cool Pushing 40 and I'm still not in a career. loving wasted my life. Dad's dead so I have no one to talk to make me feel better. Literally past the half way point in my life and I've got gently caress all to show for it McNally throw me a ban and a week probe please Bored As Fuck fucked around with this message at 19:23 on May 2, 2022 |
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May 2, 2022 18:57
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My back is essentially broken and permanently hosed (after 7 procedures 3 loving rear end in a top hat doctors cant figure out whats wrong with it) so I can't do any physical job that would be cool. And I'm too loving dumb to be able to get any government job that will use my intellect and be intellectually stimulating or fulfilling. So I'm stuck in a poo poo job where I'd rather kill myself than do another 20 years of this poo poo to get a pension. I'm always too honest for my own good. I'm so loving stupid. Literally dumber than dog poo poo. I got my hopes up like a loving moron. They're probably right to always reject me. I was born with a broken brain that requires medication every day to somewhat balance the chemicals. Why would they hire me when they probably have tons of well qualified candidates without broken brains and who aren't dumb as gently caress who tell the whole truth during interviews.
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May 3, 2022 02:37
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I wish I was a veteran. Too many medical issues and on too many meds to ever make it through MEPS. If I was a vet I'd already have one of the hundreds of jobs I've applied for (and been rejected) on USAJOBS or directly to the agency or department. Most of them give veterans preferenceso vet resumes go to the top of the pile. And most vets applying either have direct experience and or active clearances, both of which I don't have. I wish I got to serve. I never got the chance. Bored As Fuck fucked around with this message at 03:25 on May 3, 2022 |
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May 3, 2022 03:23
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My dream job would be intel analyst. So anything from investigative analyst, intelligence analyst, intelligence research specialist, any of that poo poo. If I see one more posting of "entry level" that says "Active Top Secret clearance required" or "2+ years experience required" I'm going to bash my skull into bricks until I'm brain dead. Bored As Fuck fucked around with this message at 04:03 on May 3, 2022 |
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May 3, 2022 03:54
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Thank you all for the kind words, I appreciate it more than you know.
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May 3, 2022 20:32
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Hahahhahahhah Another job, one with the state, is now almost assuredly out of my reach. Went through everything required, almost the entire hiring process, and I get an inside scoop and found out they're probably not hiring externals anytime soon. All of the effort to get the opportunity and it's all for nothing. I dont even know why I keep trying. Either I gently caress up the opportunity, or I get hosed by lovely luck through no fault of my own. I'm so loving stupid I open my dumb loving mouth and ruin an opportunity for myself. Or I just get hosed. Every single time it's one or the other. And that's not even counting the hundreds of applications that go literally nowhere. Bored As Fuck fucked around with this message at 10:58 on May 20, 2022 |
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May 20, 2022 10:23
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This is a post I saved a couple of weeks ago that I decided not to post.quote:I dont think I'm capable of being happy. Maybe I am, but I'm not happy at all. I think I'm just living my life how I "should." Now I'm crying in my living room with a sleeping fiance in the bedroom. She's the kindest, sweetest, most caring person I've ever met. We've been together for 7 years. But I'm worried that I've wasted both of our times. I was never super attracted to her, but in the last 5 years she completely let herself go. 50-75lbs at least. Every diet attempt fails. Never even attempts going to the gym. I go to PT 2-3x a week and work my rear end off. She won't even take walks. Somehow I thought I could get over it but maybe in the back of my mind I always thought it was going to end. I never wanted marriage. I never would've proposed if she didn't keep pressuring me about a timeline. 2020 was the year she said. Gave me a rough deadline. "I can't wait another three years" she said. 2020 was looking okay, was looking like the year to do it. Then I got injured at work and was close to killing myself for 6 months so that was out. 2021 started off horrible too. Then dad got diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. Then he was given 6 to 12 months to live. Then we thought, gently caress, we gotta scramble to get engaged and married before he dies. Then my dad dies 10 days later. Super loving cool that my rear end in a top hat of a sister thought at home care would be better for him than a hospital because he hated hospitals. Well I loving told her so. My dad and fiance got super close when I wasn't talking to my family. She had a special relationship with him. They talked every day. My dad helped her to help me. My dad helped her cope with me being so low every day. She relied on my dad to vent about me too. They're both so similar in being so caring and loving. They were both ones to talk me down. Calm me. Help me through my depression. Maybe I've been holding on for so long because she and dad had that relationship, that special bond. Maybe I wanted my wife to be someone who knew dad. So I proposed and I'm giving her everything she wants because she deserves it. A big wedding my mom is paying for, an amazing romantic proposal. All because I didn't want to lose her. But maybe I should've just let her go. I can't get over feelings of resentment for her. She actually injured my back worse than it already was from my work injury. So not being able to have a physical job makes me resent her. Our sex life is dogshit, mostly due to my depression meds, partly because I'm not as attracted to her anymore. We're more like roommates and friends than partners or lovers. I get angry at things so easily. I'm a bitter, jealous person, angry at my lot in life. Angry that I was born with a broken brain, and now add to that a broken back. Maybe all or some of this is my depression wanting me to distance myself from everyone so it'll be easier to kill myself. I mean, depression is a self defeating disease that makes the person work against their own interest and wellbeing, so much so as to make many people kill themselves. Maybe it is my depression that is making me want to push my loved ones away. But part of me wants to break things off with my fiance. And that makes me sad and depressed even thinking about it. EVERYONE will hate me. Especially her mom and dad. Everyone in her family and all her friends absolutely love me. 95% of "our" friends are hers. And they'd all rightly hate me. I'm a piece of poo poo for even thinking about any of this. But maybe I'd be doing her a favor. She deserves to be with someone who loves her 100%. And someone who can give her everything she deserves. I loving can't with my poo poo job. She's willing to go wherever I go. Move across the country, or anywhere in the state for me. She loves me so much that she'd move away from all her family and friends if I got a good job offer somewhere. That's insane. That's how much she loves me and supports me. I dont loving deserve her. I'm such a piece of poo poo. I can't even believe I possibly wated 7 loving years of my life for loving nothing. I don't know if I'd feel like this if I had a decent job. Or my dream job. But I don't. And every time I try I fail. And I can't do anything physical like join an electricians union or go into being a lineman cuz my back is hosed. I have no clue what I'm doing with my life and now I have to figure out if I'm breaking things off with my fiance who I love. I don't know what to do besides vent here and talk to my therapist. I wish I could talk to my dad. He always had the best advice but he's loving dead and he'll never be able to help me ever again. Bored As Fuck fucked around with this message at 07:58 on Aug 15, 2022 |
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Aug 15, 2022 05:52
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I'm a complete loving failure in life and wish I was dead. I don't know how people deal with failure. I honestly don't know what to do with my life now. I'm lost without my dad. My fiance can't help me not be a failure at everything I try. All I do is upset her when I'm depressed like this. She's doing her best and it breaks her heart that she can't help me at all. There's nothing anyone can do. I'm a loving failure. I try and try and try and try and all I do is fail and get rejections or score too low or aren't among the most qualified or my back being hosed keeps me from the job. Or I'd fail the PT test like the lineman job a buddy of mine did. I'm not actively suicidal or anything but I just feel like I'd rather be dead than have a poo poo job with lovely people for poo poo pay for the area I'm in. But I'm loving stuck there. I don't know what else to do when I try to escape but fail to. If I'm at this place in two years I'm either quitting or going insane. I just don't know what the gently caress to do. Everyone always tells me how smart I am but that doesn't mean poo poo if I can't use it in a job. I'd actually like to have an intellectually stimulating job. No offense to janitors but my intelligence doesn't do poo poo for me if I'm the smartest janitor of the bunch. I haven't been this low in a long time. I feel like doing absolutely loving nothing but sitting and rotting in my apartment. I feel like I can't even tell my therapist the truth about how bad I feel. I'm so loving alone without my dad.
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Dec 12, 2022 02:45
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Wasabi the J posted:Brother, I'm sorry I can't help you personally, but as a "smart-dumb guy", I can tell you there is always a benefit to being smarter than the average bear, even when you're feeling stuck and depressed. Thanks man. I told my therapist how bad I was. My problem is that most of my depression is situational specific - until my job changes, ain't much gonna change. The best I can do is try to lose weight, exercise, and MAYBE I can get to where I can pass a lineman PT test. Or go back for my Masters degree and hope for a job with that bur that's so unlikely it's probably not worth it. Maybe I'll try that #100devs thing and try to learn to code. Idk.
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Dec 19, 2022 17:46
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Dealing with falling outs with social circles loving sucks, man. I've been there for sure. I know you don't want my sympathy, but you have it. And I understand how hard it is and how much it hurts.
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Mar 28, 2023 20:42
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TheWeedNumber posted:Posting to report that I think I'm stable stable again. MH team and support network should be able to handle me from here on out. Thanks for having my back friends. Be well. Glad you're doing at least a little better dude. Keep at it.
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Mar 30, 2023 23:42
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