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the littlest prince


in one nostril and out the other? please, that's so passé. is a single stream of water really enough for anyone? my nasal cavities are mighty, and deserve an equally mighty decongestant. i need something truly impressive to shove up my nose.

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the littlest prince


*steps up to world's largest slip 'n slide. yells "cowabuuun-" but is cut off because he's going down backwards and on his stomach*

the littlest prince


guy 1: we just finished our bathroom remodel

guy 2: oh yeah? how's that new ivory sink working out? i bet the water is super fresh and cold.

guy 1: yeah, sure. i mean, I love a nice cold drink as much as the next guy, but the real pro move is to do a headstand in it and turn on the faucet full blast.

the littlest prince fucked around with this message at 02:31 on Jan 16, 2017

the littlest prince


*sees another guy snort a line of coke off a mirror at a nightclub*

"oh poo poo, gimme some of that, friendo, I can barely breathe right now!"

Randy Travesty

PHANTOM QUEEN


*steps up to spigot outside of barn, leans back, jams hands into pockets and thoughtfully chews on haystraw*

yessir. this'll do just fine. fine. and. DANDY, indeed.

*shuffles back into barn, emerges with a length of rubber hose onto which a splitter with two pressure washer heads are affixed*


google THIS

a team of firefighters struggle to simultaneously hold the hose still and avoid the snot-tinged return stream

the littlest prince


I've been searching for years.

When I was 34 i went into the outback, alone. I found a pit of reddish clay, that was unusually abrasive. Using a makeshift reed snorkel, i submersed my face. After several hours I felt light as air. The next week I earned a 46 minute marathon time.

Another time, in Zambia, a witch doctor gave me a pouch of herbs in exchange for my left pinky finger. I then participated in an ancient ritual with his tribe. When I went to sleep, I burned the herbs all night long. I woke up alert and eager to strangle a rhino with my bare hands. I returned to the states with seven horns.

In my later years I encountered an unusual listing on the dark web. It was vague but the description of its effects was similar to what I sought. it was also very expensive, but my father had always told me nothing worth pursuing came cheap. I held that thought in my head as I sent the bitcoins. Several weeks later an unmarked bag was left in the dead drop. I shared it with my closest confidants, but I told them it came from the usual source. We all dreamed that night that we had floated into the air while asleep. I had paint marks on my arms and forehead.

And yet, throughout all my adventures, in all these places all over the world, nothing came close to my first saline cleanse.

the littlest prince fucked around with this message at 20:42 on Jan 14, 2017

joke_explainer


Seven hundred and eighty seven years. She had pioneered three new disciplines of science in her time. Propulsion with no inertial reference frame; Nearly perfect human hibernation and revival; and startling life prolongation technology, not that it was worth much, with this stuffy nose. But she was finally here, the goal of ten lifetimes worth of effort. The ship spun around the black hole, relativistic dilation irrelevant to her now as the arm extended her face, and most importantly her nose, toward the event horizon. The noseport opened just as they were reaching the cosmic firewall, and she felt her sinuses empty deeply and fully into the information-destruction void. Peace at last.

wigglin

joke_explainer posted:

Seven hundred and eighty seven years. She had pioneered three new disciplines of science in her time. Propulsion with no inertial reference frame; Nearly perfect human hibernation and revival; and startling life prolongation technology, not that it was worth much, with this stuffy nose. But she was finally here, the goal of ten lifetimes worth of effort. The ship spun around the black hole, relativistic dilation irrelevant to her now as the arm extended her face, and most importantly her nose, toward the event horizon. The noseport opened just as they were reaching the cosmic firewall, and she felt her sinuses empty deeply and fully into the information-destruction void. Peace at last.

She inhales deeply, for the first time in years, only to be assaulted by the thick sulfurous fumes of flatulence. She shoots her gaze like lasers at her copilot.

His words echo through the spaceship, "What? It wasn't me."

Pot Smoke Phoenix



Smoke 'em if you gottem!
lol if you're not blasting out your nostrils with Navage, the snot rocket of the new millenium!

https://i.imgur.com/QKTkerO.mp4
Sig elements by Manifisto and Heather Papps
Sig File protected by SigLock. do NOT steal this sig!

Manifisto


an early iteration of the six million dollar man, somewhat understandably left on the drawing board, sported a bionic left nostril. steve austin needed to periodically interface with a supercomputer called NETI (for Nasal Electronic Testing and Improvement) to calibrate and defragment the nostril and clean the sensors.

this prototype steve austin's archnemesis, the Dealer, nearly destroyed our hero with an evil invention called hypercocaine. in the end dr. rudy wells saved the day by reprogramming NETI to cleanse the corruption wrought by the poisonous nose candy.

but I still lie awake some nights thinking: what if the osi had never discovered the extraterrestrial technology that allowed dr. wells to enhance NETI and foil the Dealer's scheme? :ohdear:


ty nesamdoom!

social vegan



Splatmaster posted:

lol if you're not blasting out your nostrils with Navage, the snot rocket of the new millenium!



makingaquafina.gif

the littlest prince


Splatmaster posted:

lol if you're not blasting out your nostrils with Navage, the snot rocket of the new millenium!



He sat alone on the couch, watching Stargate Atlantis. It was nearly midnight, and his eyelids began to droop. He had actually been slowly falling asleep for an hour now, but most people don't notice that their hearing is really the first thing to go. He looked at the cat on his lap. It wasn't moving much but one eye cracked open as he shifted his weight slightly.

The show cuts to commercial as Sheppard comes eye to eye with his nemesis in an underground tunnel.

"Cash Net USA Man to the rescue!"

"Damnit."

He mutes it. As he strokes his cat, he feels a trickle escaping his nose. Winter never lets up. He sniffs a little, but there no tissues nearby. If only there was something that could fix this once and for all. He unmutes the tv.

"Introducing Navage, fast relief from sinus congestion without a prescription"

Dear lord, that thing is monstrous. Who the hell would put that in their nose? Hmm, well, on the other hand... yes, this is perfect. Almost too perfect.

*fires up the Awful app*

the littlest prince fucked around with this message at 16:07 on Jan 14, 2017

alnilam

the littlest prince posted:

*steps up to world's largest slip 'n slide. yells "cowabuuun-" but is cut off because he's going down backwards and on his stomach*

alnilam

google THIS posted:

a team of firefighters struggle to simultaneously hold the hose still and avoid the snot-tinged return stream

joke_explainer posted:

Seven hundred and eighty seven years. She had pioneered three new disciplines of science in her time. Propulsion with no inertial reference frame; Nearly perfect human hibernation and revival; and startling life prolongation technology, not that it was worth much, with this stuffy nose. But she was finally here, the goal of ten lifetimes worth of effort. The ship spun around the black hole, relativistic dilation irrelevant to her now as the arm extended her face, and most importantly her nose, toward the event horizon. The noseport opened just as they were reaching the cosmic firewall, and she felt her sinuses empty deeply and fully into the information-destruction void. Peace at last.

the littlest prince


*steps into latex bodysuit* This suit has its own breathing system, it can last up to five minutes on a full tank. Won't get you to space, but it'll do just fine for my needs.

*the uniformed attendant has a surprised look on her face* What's that?

*suit is up to his waist, begins pulling the arms on* Oh, it's a custom creation. Tailored to my frame. Cost me about $450 to make. Would have been more if my grandmother hadn't left her heavy duty serger.

*grimaces* What does it do?

*pulls up on the front zipper and shifts weight while hopping to adjust his bodysuit* Reduces drag. I need to control very precisely where air does go, and where it doesn't.

It looks like a cross between a wetsuit and a bodybag.

*is in the middle of fastening straps* Hah. Yeah, it is a strange sight for sure. You'll get used to it. You see, when I step into that chamber, there'll be nowhere for all that air to go but up my nostrils. My legs, arms, everything will be protected from undesired lift.

*start turning away* I think I need to ask my boss about this..

*laughs* Nah, it'll be just fine, don't you worry.

Errr... I guess. *opens glass door and beckons him in*

Thanks darling! Can you strap in my arms and finish the last flap over my regulator please?

*takes care of both* There you go. Uh, be careful?

*says something unintelligible, then hops into vertical wind tunnel and is swept up into the air by his nose as she closes the door*

the littlest prince


*tilts a navage made of gold into his nose* Now THIS is luxury. *slurping noises come from the machine*

Pot Smoke Phoenix



Smoke 'em if you gottem!

the littlest prince posted:

*tilts a navage made of gold into his nose* Now THIS is luxury. *slurping noises come from the machine*

The ultimate in extravagance: Solid gold Navage, populated with Sea Monkeys

https://i.imgur.com/QKTkerO.mp4
Sig elements by Manifisto and Heather Papps
Sig File protected by SigLock. do NOT steal this sig!

Dr. Yinz Ljubljana

A series of tubes, each pulsing with a yellow liquid snake out behind me, like the arms of Dr Octopus. They all lead to my nose. In a nasally voice, I yell "I AM NOW UNSTOPPABLE!"


JuulPodSaveAmerica
So what I like to do is fill a bathtub with Neil-med powder, put on goggles, duck-tape my genitals (to protect them from the salinity), and immerse myself within the solution. I then practice circular breathing, and ensure that every last pocket of air in my sinuses is filled. The pain is excruciating, of course, but it's absolutely worth it. Sometimes, in conversation, I say "I basically waterboard myself for fun".

----------------
i honestly believe you are tripping right now.

Pot Smoke Phoenix



Smoke 'em if you gottem!

Blanketspace posted:

So what I like to do is fill a bathtub with Neil-med powder, put on goggles, duck-tape my genitals (to protect them from the salinity), and immerse myself within the solution. I then practice circular breathing, and ensure that every last pocket of air in my sinuses is filled. The pain is excruciating, of course, but it's absolutely worth it. Sometimes, in conversation, I say "I basically waterboard myself for fun".

Careful or you could end up like our friend the spacing guild navigator here

https://i.imgur.com/QKTkerO.mp4
Sig elements by Manifisto and Heather Papps
Sig File protected by SigLock. do NOT steal this sig!

Plebian Parasite

I can feel the beads of sweat on my forehead. "Oh you know, just got a lot of gum on my sidewalk, I hear these new power washers have a new setting for that sort of thing."

The Home Depot employee looks at the polaroid, then back at me. My fake moustache trembles.

Dr. Yinz Ljubljana

"Do you rent sandblasters?"
"Yeah, you working on concrete?"
"something like that"


JuulPodSaveAmerica

Splatmaster posted:

Careful or you could end up like our friend the spacing guild navigator here



Where did u get this pic of me???

----------------
i honestly believe you are tripping right now.

google THIS

Me: Ladies and gentlemen. We have long known that public transportation is the cure for urban traffic congestion. But perhaps that is not the only type of congestion it can cure.

Reporter: Is that why you have a subway rail leading up your left nostril?

Me: (smiling as the rail begins to vibrate, signaling that the train is approaching) It is indeed.

social vegan



neti pot is a gateway jug

Pot Smoke Phoenix



Smoke 'em if you gottem!

social vegan posted:

neti pot is a gateway jug

Have you ever done Netipot... on WEED??? (it sounds redundant, huh)

https://i.imgur.com/QKTkerO.mp4
Sig elements by Manifisto and Heather Papps
Sig File protected by SigLock. do NOT steal this sig!

google THIS

Stereotypical Villain: Very vell, agent THIS. Since you vill not respond to reason, perhaps a little force vill make you talk. Shall ve start ze nasal torture device off at, say, vun sousand PSI?

(He switches the machine on, and I scream and writhe in my restraints. After several seconds he turns it off)

Me: (in my best Morticia Addams voice) Mmm, you've done this before.

Gatekeeper

He was warrior and mystic, ogre and saint, the fox and the innocent, chivalrous, ruthless, less than a god, more than a man.
how do i put distilled water saline solution into the fire hydrant in front of my house tia

welcome 2 Clown Town

GALAXY'S #2 SCULL*!

*scrunt skull
friend: is that a police scanner on your table there? are you interested in keeping track of police goings on in your neighborhood?

me: something like that. *slowly pushes stack of paper in front of 'water main break scanner 4000'*

alnilam

welcome 2 Clown Town posted:

friend: is that a police scanner on your table there? are you interested in keeping track of police goings on in your neighborhood?

me: something like that. *slowly pushes stack of paper in front of 'water main break scanner 4000'*

alnilam

Gatekeeper posted:

how do i put distilled water saline solution into the fire hydrant in front of my house tia

me explaining to the police and water authority: "well when you think about it, only 5% of water goes to drinking, so me making the reservoir more saline has no effect on most water end-use"

welcome 2 Clown Town

GALAXY'S #2 SCULL*!

*scrunt skull
Press Release
Jan. 17, 2017
AP Newswire
A man was found dead this morning in Springfield. The man was discovered bent over a broken, gushing water main with cinder blocks tied to his head. The reasons for the cinder blocks, and how the man got to the broken water main, are currently unknown. Police and city water officials advise residents to stay clear of broken water mains as they can be dangerous and may create sinkholes or other hazards in addition to the high pressure water. An autopsy is scheduled to be performed later tonight.

Plebian Parasite

"The feeling of breaking up all the mucus and dust that has been impacting your sinuses for years with a salty and scalding hot rush of water at 250 psi, it's pure bliss man, life changing would be putting it mildly."

"Hey man, I get it, I just bought a bidet."

the littlest prince


social vegan posted:

neti pot is a gateway jug

Gatekeeper

He was warrior and mystic, ogre and saint, the fox and the innocent, chivalrous, ruthless, less than a god, more than a man.
when john wayne died he had 50 lbs of mucus in his sinuses

Manifisto


[interviewer]: okay let's recap. you are terrified of fires. you hate loud noises, flashing lights, and sliding down poles. you have nightmares about dogs with spots. you are out of shape, flat-footed, asthmatic, allergic, lazy, and afflicted with tourette's syndrome. a fireman killed your parents. and you want to join the 33d fire brigade. may I ask why?

[me, in very stuffed-up voice]: I hab my reasons


ty nesamdoom!

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Gatekeeper

He was warrior and mystic, ogre and saint, the fox and the innocent, chivalrous, ruthless, less than a god, more than a man.

Manifisto posted:

[interviewer]: okay let's recap. you are terrified of fires. you hate loud noises, flashing lights, and sliding down poles. you have nightmares about dogs with spots. you are out of shape, flat-footed, asthmatic, allergic, lazy, and afflicted with tourette's syndrome. a fireman killed your parents. and you want to join the 33d fire brigade. may I ask why?

[me, in very stuffed-up voice]: I hab my reasons

lmbo

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