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Al! posted:if that's the case, can they please stop kicking in the door to my office and holding me down while taking the samples from wherever they please every half hour? and i've heard threats of something called fingertip samples? While we urge all employees to take advantage of these exciting new benefits, they can be discontinued at any time by bringing form CV-7782, filled out in triplicate, IN PERSON to the Red Room. |
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Jan 25, 2017 20:02
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I broke the coffee machine trying to use vodka instead of water again, what forms do I need to fill out to requisition a new one and a new fifth of bottom shelf vodka |
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Jan 25, 2017 20:15
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Ominous Jazz posted:I broke the coffee machine trying to use vodka instead of water again, what forms do I need to fill out to requisition a new one and a new fifth of bottom shelf vodka Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce employees are advised NOT to use bottom-shelf vodka in the coffee machine. The impurities gum up the works. |
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Jan 25, 2017 20:25
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Human Resources software upgrade, my cloaca! Meanwhile us non-humans are stuck with the mysterious portal to complete our tasks. Maybe next time I have to reach through it to absorb additional staff, I'll just keep going!
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Jan 25, 2017 21:44
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Everyone! Get out of the building! Hurry! Run! "Human Resources..." it's a cookbook! It's a cookbook! |
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Jan 25, 2017 21:59
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Human Resources is PEOPLE |
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Jan 25, 2017 21:59
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We're so happy to see the quick uptake of the new software! We know change is hard, but we are so thrilled that you have adapted so quickly to our new system. Please submit your self-evaluations and 360 reviews by next Friday. You can use the web interface, or simply hand over a strand of hair (minimum length 6 inches) to your department's homunculus. |
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Jan 25, 2017 23:19
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due to a computer glitch, our company is now named "annie's applesauce." instead of complex financial derivatives and global consulting services, starting immediately our business will be focused exclusively on apples, applesauce, and applesauce-like products such as apple butter and apple jelly. there will be an immediate hiring freeze for our branch offices in London, Paris, Tokyo, Shanghai, Hong Kong, and Santiago, as it is not immediately clear what role these branches will play in our refocused business. our CEO will step down as soon as a woman named "annie" with relevant leadership experience can be located and hired. we apologize for any disruption from this unexpected development. however, we are pleased to announce that this year's company picnic is still on for next wednesday. we don't want to spoil the surprise, but be prepared to give up some "appl-ause" for a special surprise theme and secret ingredient! |
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Jan 25, 2017 23:42
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"Stack 'em like cord-wood." -a recent suggestion from our new human resources program
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Jan 26, 2017 00:09
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are we really the right flavor of Agile yet? |
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Jan 26, 2017 04:55
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I logged in okay, but the only message the software had for me was "Pile body upon body." Is that like some kind of system default or something? |
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Jan 26, 2017 04:58
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Ok so. I went to log in but my fingers are stuck to the keyboard? There's a keening monotonous wail. Everything's red? Can IT send someone down here?
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Jan 26, 2017 05:09
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death sext posted:keening monotonous wail no no you misunderstand that is IT |
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Jan 26, 2017 05:18
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death sext posted:Ok so. I went to log in but my fingers are stuck to the keyboard? There's a keening monotonous wail. Everything's red? Can IT send someone down here? ƃuıoƃ ǝɹ,ǝʍ ǝɹǝɥʍ ʇı pǝǝu ʇ,uop ǝʍ
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Jan 26, 2017 05:19
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i have trouble reaching IT. I usually get ahold of It. IT it or  
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Jan 26, 2017 05:25
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Al! posted:i have trouble reaching IT. I usually get ahold of It. IT it or well yeah, you have to offer an eyeball in sacrifice it doesnt have to be yours but i hear it helps!
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Jan 26, 2017 05:26
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HI WHO JUST JOINED?
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Jan 26, 2017 05:41
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FactsAreUseless posted:"You wanted to see me?" *Sitting in hr office* Yes, I hosed that printer. Is that what you wanna hear? We made love, and it was beautiful. I love her, and she loves me with all her plastic and lasery being. Clearly our love just makes you uncomfortable, and I would appreciate it if you respected what we do in the privacy of the copy room. GOOD DAY *storms out* *pokes head back in* oh and I still can't log in |
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Jan 26, 2017 05:43
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I saw stan have what can only be described as a very serious and emotional conversation with a squirrel while on lunch. i was just out of earshot so i couldnt make out much of what was said but he was visibly shaken as he walked away. my question is what form on the sharepoint site should i use to report this ---------------- |
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Jan 26, 2017 05:56
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When I alt-tab from the human resources software it turns all my desktop icons into pentagrams. Please fix |
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Jan 26, 2017 06:02
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poopzilla posted:I saw stan have what can only be described as a very serious and emotional conversation with a squirrel while on lunch. i was just out of earshot so i couldnt make out much of what was said but he was visibly shaken as he walked away. This one's good. Thank you for helping us identify the squirrel who had been stealing our nuts. He has been sent to Australia for purging. He will be purged. ---------------- |
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Jan 26, 2017 06:03
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The HR system here is a tyranny. Looking at The Book (may or may not be the Necronomicon) would drive you insane. Once you're sufficiently insane, you get to enter the Book for purging. Then, your souls fuel the HR department's search for more souls. It's so loving lit, and must have been designed by some kind of Dark Lord.
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Jan 26, 2017 06:04
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There seems to be a buffer overflow stack error on the last update and well ... look at Steve.
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Jan 26, 2017 06:26
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hello, was just wondering whether hr was aware that our new keyboards have an extra key with a skull printed on it. not entirely sure what this does but it is inconveniently placed next to the space bar and sometimes I hit it by accident. this seems to be followed by a faint rumbling as though some immense machinery far underground was being repositioned. am sort of curious whether our company disability plan covers injury by doomsday device haha! seriously though I guess I'm just gonna play around with this thing until I get bored or something happens.
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Jan 26, 2017 06:27
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HR, i'm trying to access the software but the login button onscreen keeps avoiding my mouse clicks, as if to taunt me. the enter key does the same when i try to press it. all i can hear is laughter, which persists in my ear even after i have removed my headset. this is clearly intended functionality for the program and i have failed you greatly. please banish me to the Doom Realm for immediate helltorture. thanks, henry from sales
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Jan 26, 2017 08:23
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Dear HR, I am so boring and uninteresting that the forces of darkness want nothing to do with me. Can I have a gray hat to go with my gray walls and gray life? |
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Jan 26, 2017 13:13
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BIRDCON 2017 posted:HR, the Doom Realm is down for server maintenance
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Jan 26, 2017 14:33
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I just got a new list of job duties and it's apparently written on human skin. Was this human skin sustainably resourced? In a conscious consumer |
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Jan 26, 2017 14:53
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Do I get my skin back if I retire with full pension?
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Jan 26, 2017 14:57
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death sext posted:Do I get my skin back if I retire with full pension? Death Sext, Fortunately for you, all employees have a guaranteed full pension of misery and filth in the Nightmare Dimension. Feel free to contact your union representative, Xugghunoth the Unyielding, if you have any further questions. Yours in Death, *audio file of manic screeching cut short by a buzzsaw* |
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Jan 26, 2017 15:08
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poopzilla posted:HI WHO JUST JOINED? I think you are on the wrong call. Please join us here: http://conferencecall.biz/ |
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Jan 26, 2017 16:08
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Excuse me, a batch of flesh eating ducks is blocking the west entrance to the building still
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Jan 26, 2017 22:17
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heard u like girls posted:Excuse me, a batch of flesh eating ducks is blocking the west entrance to the building still It's actually a cleverly disguised Black Widow. ---------------- |
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Jan 26, 2017 22:25
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heard u like girls posted:Excuse me, a batch of flesh eating ducks is blocking the west entrance to the building still maybe when the batch of flesh is finished with the ducks, it will wander off? |
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Jan 26, 2017 22:30
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Attention: If you encounter a batch of flesh, please guide it back to the Doom Realm, so we can resume receiving |
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Jan 26, 2017 23:16
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Don't judge a batch of flesh by its skeleton, please. These bones are haunted  .
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Jan 27, 2017 01:59
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Blanketspace posted:Don't judge a batch of flesh by its skeleton, please. These bones are haunted you're in luck, I think the new software has a section about the Bone Exchange Program offhand I'm not sure whether bones are getting exchanged for something else, or one employee's bones are getting exchanged for another's, or whether indeed the bones in your body are just getting rotated like a set of tires. but it'll probably help with your haunting issue? |
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Jan 27, 2017 02:15
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Manifisto posted:you're in luck, I think the new software has a section about the Bone Exchange Program I don't think it matters. Are skeletons nihilists? ---------------- |
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Jan 27, 2017 09:40
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which department do i need to speak with regarding the 10 am meeting? I was preparing for it at my desk when everything in reality shifted to the right about three centimeters. I'm now partially phased into the chair i was sitting in, and my hands are now inside the keyboard
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Jan 27, 2017 12:36
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| # ? Apr 23, 2024 11:25 |
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Zyla posted:which department do i need to speak with regarding the 10 am meeting? I was preparing for it at my desk when everything in reality shifted to the right about three centimeters. I'm now partially phased into the chair i was sitting in, and my hands are now inside the keyboard *opens mouth to answer but only static noise comes out* |
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Jan 27, 2017 16:32
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