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iajanus
Aug 17, 2004

#GOAT


Only 26 more rounds until the Tigers finish causing me to drink this year! Probably by causing me to commit suicide!



Welcome back to our coverage of the King of Sports, Rugby League! Granted, it's the king in that inbred, horrific Charles II of Spain way that inevitably leads to everyone's death and likely raped a dog at some point in its horrible, short life. It's still a King, though!



I would be remiss without discussing the two major stories in Rugby League over the last year, since I'm drinking heavily and will likely find it hard to write about anything else. As shown in the photo above, the first concerns the scary-looking troll who caused untold numbers of journalists to devote thousands of words to discuss a series of backstabbings that wouldn't go astray in a particularly trashy Shakespearean knockoff. I'm talking about Robbie Farah, not Charles II of Spain, who at least had the common decency to die at a young age rather than keep using up the entire Tigers' salary cap. He was described as "short, lame, epileptic, senile, and completely bald before 35", which I think everyone would agree is a decent description of Robbie, too.



The other major story of the last season is the first ever premiership win by the Cronulla Sharks. Whilst the main thing to note from this development is that for the first time in history I'm going to have to rewrite the jokes in their team section to stop making references to Harold Holt and their abject failures, it's also important to remember that Paul Gallen now has a premiership win. gently caress this loving world. At least he'll never get another Origin win (note that I didn't even need to say "Origin series win" since that was already laughable enough). Since I might forget to say this later: gently caress Queensland.

Rugby League.

You're still reading this? You clearly have mental issues. You've come to the right place, friend. League is a spin-off game from the older Rugby Union, which we all agree is boring and unwatchable and that's not just because Australia never wins any more. Only three countries play the sport at any real level of quality, so there's a good chance of us getting on the podium if anyone was stupid enough to make this an Olympic sport. Just think about that for a minute. No longer would the pissing in public and animal eroticism be confined merely to two and a half cities in low-population backwater - there'd be wife-beaters and cheergirl-rapists from all around the world to "admire"! It would be like some depraved Caligulean epic, except with worse uniforms and emptier stadiums. Anyway, back to the point. When the players stop driving drunk for a minute and stop peeing on the field we get an exciting and fast-paced sport that combines the physicality of gridiron with the fluid skills of handball. It also has a bunch of big guys who get into handbag-fights and the occasional epic tackle that we'll all admire before the media tut-tuts and we lose another tackling-style to the ambiguously defined "dangerous tackle" black hole.


RULES OF THE GAME
For most sports I'd tell you to either read the rulebook or watch a few games if you wanted to learn the rules, but since Gus Gould spends the entire broadcast waffling on about the exact opposite of reality I've taken it upon myself to try to boil down the rules to a more understandable selection of consonants. Please let me know if you have any questions, I'll have a few beers and then explain why exactly the Tigers were robbed of at least three premierships over the last decade because the loving Warriors are bullshit artists who stole our spot in the Grand Final and then lost to loving Manly of all teams. Those loving bastards. gently caress them to loving hell, those bastard Kiwis.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wvzUSmoY3sE
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m27SIvq8QXk

I could watch Braith get punched in the face all day. Makes up for having to cheer for the little goblin for so long. I'm already self-hating about supporting the Tigers, and then they pull this poo poo. loving hell, it's no wonder I drink. Oh god, Tigers, I'm sorry. I know you don't mean to do this to me, it's my fault you hit me and make me cry. I'll be better, I promise.

Sorry about that, went a bit off topic. Anyway, this is the stock photo of a field I like to use; for the real one, please mentally superimpose a few dozen ads since there's generally more coloured ink on the grass than its natural colour nowadays. Much like the players, I guess. Kids nowadays...



You run one way and then switch over at half time, and hopefully everyone in your team stays between the sidelines for the majority of the game. If you play for the Tigers or Warriors, you'll generally be throwing the ball over those lines, but everyone else normally tries to keep the ball inside them and in play as much as possible. Please refer to the Wikipedia article or something else because I'm far too drunkbusy at work to bother with typing reams of useless waffle when I could be insulting teams/players I don't like and drinking heavilytaking a coffee break to drink heavily from a hipflask whilst crying quietly in the bathroom about the Tigers.


To score points:

TRY


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FTQDqIFAiD0

The thing that separates League from Union. Worth 4 points, and generally the most exciting scoring play in the game. I'm not counting field goals in that equation since although when they're actually scored they're impressive we normally have to put up with 500 poo poo attempts first. To score a try, you need to apply downward pressure to the ball in the endzone. You don't need to actually have control of the ball, so long as you touch it with your hand(s) as it touches the ground. This will ignite massive debate amongst everyone who doesn't support the scorer since they'll claim he just dropped it, although they'll conveniently forget that when their team's winger does the same thing 5 minutes later. As with most rules, please disregard the requirement to have control of the ball if the player in question plays for Melbourne.


CONVERSION

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6M52n2sOQXk

Since we can never get enough individuals scoring (except with prostitutes/groupies, wherein your better-behaved teams will share) you get to have a kick at goal after getting a try. It happens from in line from where you scored it, so that you don't need to break the laws of physics to get it through the posts. You only get 2 for doing this, but in the rare case of a Penalty Try you get to take a second shot at the goal in compensation for your player being toothless and concussed (moreso than normal).

PENALTY GOAL

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=unpK4JcKcFw#t=75s

If something illegal happened elsewhere in play and you're wearing a purple jersey the refs might decide to give you a penalty goal, which is a shot at goal where the offence happened. They may also just do nothing if you were unlucky enough to be wearing a black and grey jersey or playing a game that drew a ref with painted-on eyes rather than the slightly more up-to-date models. These are also worth 2 points.

FIELD GOALS

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=58j1rwD71S8

gently caress Golden Point. As I alluded to earlier, this play should be the most exciting thing relating to league without the words "NOT GUILTY" being announced to a large room, but because of this useless tacked-on 10 minutes we end up hating everyone who attempts one. All you have to do is drop-kick the ball through the posts, and you get one point for your efforts. Simple, no? Normally it's not, since you only ever try doing it when there's no time on the clock and the scores are level (I'd make a joke about Chris Sandow and his propensity for losing games by kicking them early, but the little fucker got shafted finally so I don't have to watch him fail to make tackles anymore). Anyway, as a result, you get a bunch of muppets without any talent taking their procession of pathetic efforts, all of which serve to make me want to murder somebody. This gets amped up in extra time since it's first-point-wins, so even more mouthbreathers give it a shot. How wonderful.

DETAILED EXPLANATION OF THE RULES

Look, I've never typed anything in this section before and I'm not starting now. I follow the Tigers, and who the gently caress knows what the rules are since we apparently live in some alternate dimension where the ref thinks it's normal for us to spend more time being held down than a woman in a club bathroom with the Broncos, and we get the whistle blown at us for just protecting the opposition players from accidentally glassing themselves. It's bullshit, that's what it is, and I'm not going to take it any more.

iajanus immediately goes and renews his club membership and refills his drink


POSITIONS

Once upon a time the positions the players lined up for meant something. The numbers on their backs would give you a good shorthand for what their roles and general talents would be and you could know that the low numbers would be the little tiny speedsters and the big numbers would be the fat meatheads who were used as battering rams. Sometime in the last decade the corporate wankery of multiskilling has crept in and now everyone has ability in different areas and it's not unusual to see a big hulking guy sprinting away wearing a number 3 and then fending off a tall, lithe 12. I guess it's led to more exciting football since now everyone can run, tackle and generally control the ball well enough to get passes off. Except for George Rose, of course, but every sport needs a 130kg fat man to look angrily at people and then get sent off. There are still some stereotypes, of course, so here's the general list so you can get up to speed with what we're saying <PLAYER X> is doing wrong (in this sentence, PLAYER X is anyone from the Eels or Tigers).

BACKS

Fullback (number 1)

The little guy at the back. He needs to be fast, able to play in the attacking line as well as stop runaway players, and probably will need to slot in at other places in the halves and outside backs at some points of the year. The mix between the goalkeeper and the striker, if you will. Most of them are portable speed-bumps but every so often one pulls off a decent tackle and the entire commentary team will fellate them for the rest of the game.

Winger (numbers 2, 5)

The guys closest to the sideline, which allows them to pose for a lot of photos with kids and solicit phone numbers from desperate female fans who won't respect themselves in the morning. In the last few years these guys have been getting better and better at defying gravity to score in the corner, and I'm pretty sure at the current rate of improvement someone will have learnt to levitate in the next 2-3 years. In general these guys are tall, thin and freakishly fast, so one wonders how Matt Utai ever got to this level considering he's a hobbit who forgot how to run in the latter years of his career.

Centre (numbers 3,4)

The next guys in the line tend to be a bit bigger, a bit stronger and a bit less fast (mentally and physically). Unlike the men outside them they can generally tackle, and have a lot more strength in breaking the line. The new mold for the position is Greg Inglis, who is some sort of genetic freak who has no right to be as big, fast or talented. It gets even worse if he's at fullback. Fear Inglis. A very key position as they are the difference between your wingers ever touching the ball or just watching it sail happily into row Z.

Five-Eighth (number 6)

The second most important person on your team. He is the one who helps run almost every play, does a lot of the kicking and takes pressure off the halfback. This is a position of considerable angst at the Tigers, who had a very good one who deteriorated for a while whilst showing glimpses of his best form before jetting off to NZ to play rugby, and then came back and played for a slightly better team. Never mind, I'm sure the 21 year old kid we put in his place will be just as good, he's already got the "unable to make tackles" thing down.

Halfback (number 7)

The most important guy on the field, unless your team has Daniel Mortimer in the jersey. He's the one running the show, controlling everything, and in the case of teams that aren't the Titans, setting up all the points. You really want to have a good one, so most of the teams are right hosed.

FORWARDS

Prop (numbers 8, 10)

The biggest, meanest and stupidest players on the park. Thankfully they can't read this so I'm safe for now. These guys do the grunt work, moving the ball up the park and making the majority of tackles and hit-ups. They get rotated throughout the game as unlike the backs they actually work hard. If they're not Todd Payten they're probably bumbling fucktards so don't rely on them to actually do anything complicated.

Hooker (number 9)

The defacto third playmaker in most teams. Whilst in the past this was just another gritty forward position, in the last 20 years it has become quite a useful place to have a third playmaker. Players such as Elias, Smith and Farah have shown the value of a good brain and talented hands here, and they frequently get to be the captain as well. They're very hard-working and generally aren't paid fairly for their night's work, but at least unlike the other people in the lives of footballers with this job description they are able to punch back.

2nd Row (numbers 11, 12)

Props who are a bit smaller and a little more fit/talented. That's about it, really.

Lock (number 13)

Generally a player who if he were slightly smaller could be a five-eighth. Sometimes players will switch between these two positions in a game/season. You need to be OK with the ball and have a decent footballing brain, or just be Greg Bird and be prepared to be a whiny poo poo with a horrible pedo-moustache who punches people whenever he gets a chance. Either way, really.

SUBS

You get 4 other meatheads who you can sub into the game when you feel like it. Normally you'd take 3 forwards and 1 back, but other combinations are occasionally tried with hilarious effects. There's very little more funny than when a team runs out of backs and starts slotting forwards into the backline - except when it's the Tigers and WE HAD ANOTHER CENTRE OUT THERE ON THE PARK BUT NOPE YOU DECIDED TO PUT A 2ND ROWER IN THERE ANYWAY AND WE LOST THE GAME BECAUSE OF IT YOU loving NUMPTY TAYLOR I HOPE YOU READ THIS AND CRY.

THE NRL



Whether you call the NRL the best league in the world or merely a feeder league for the English Superleague pretty much comes down to whether you live in Australia or you're a loving moron. The premier competition for the sport, it's a fiercely competitive and professional league that only occasionally needs to deregister players for being thrown in gaol. Unlike the retirement home that is the Superleague you'll see players in the prime of their careers, with exciting action in every game that doesn't have Parramatta or Cronulla playing. As a result of the salary cap being tightly enforced (hahahahahahaaahahahahahahah no rly) there's a good balance between the sides that means that everyone has a chance of winning (except, again, Wests). This keeps it fresh since unlike the EPL lots of random teams have won the thing - hell, the Panthers and the Tigers have both won it, so it's obviously a random crapshoot. Here's the list of teams participating this year, and some general facts so you know which ones are cunts (HINT: THE ANSWER IS SYDNEY and/or MANLY).


CLUBS

BRISBANE BRONCOS




Supporters: BlackShadow, BCR, GrunZicle, ili, Dirty Frank, Akileese, Airstream Driver, cpaf, BlindSite

Ins: Moses Pangai (Townsville Blackhawks), David Mead (Titans), Tautau Moga (Cowboys), Benji Marshall (Dragons), Mitchell Dodds (Warrington)

Outs: Greg Eden (Castleford), Brett Greinke (Rabbitohs), Corey Parker (retirement), Jarrod Wallace (Titans), Jack Reed (retirement), Carlin Anderson (Cowboys), Darren Nicholls (Panthers), Lachlan Maranta (rugby union)

As a football team it's hard to criticise the Broncos - they've been very successful over the years, generally play an attractive brand of football, and have a relatively low ratio of scandals to players. On the flipside, a good chunk of the reason they're able to do this is that is because they're a one-city team, they take advantage of the third-party-payment system to an insane level, and the media (whilst devoting their entire sports section to them each week) generally turns a blind eye to whatever they're doing. Whilst they made the grand final a couple of years ago they're in a little bit of a rebuilding phase at the moment, and apparently seem to be planning to use Benji Marshall in the halves this year so idk this could be a bit of a hosed year for them (we can only hope).

You should support them if: You can't stop wearing maroon, even for five minutes.

Last year: 5th

CANTERBURY-BANKSTOWN BULLDOGS




Supporters: Dumpstar, Hyperriker, 50% Of FlickingFire (the indecisive parts), Gobbledock, woofbro

Ins: Zac Woolford (Raiders), Josh Cleeland (Sharks), Rhyse Martin (Townsville Blackhawks), Brenko Lee (Raiders), Tom Carr (Dragons), Francis Tualau (Storm), Richard Kennar (Storm)

Outs: Pat O'Hanlon (retirement), Sam Perrett (retirement), Curtis Rona (rugby union, Western Force), Tim Browne (Panthers), Tony Williams (Sharks), Richard Coorey (released), Makahesi Makatoa (Raiders), Jarrod McInally (Queensland Intrust Super Cup), Graham Clark (released), Jake Kamire (released), Reubenn Rennie (released), Lamar Liolevave (released), Lloyd Perrett (Sea Eagles)

A club based in the desolate wastelands of "South of Parramatta Road", the Bulldogs have been actively trying to market themselves as the "Family Club", since for some reason their former moniker ("The gang-violence/surprise sex club") doesn't quite have the same ring to it. Since they're building a gameplan that apparently consists entirely of GIVE THE BALL TO THE FAT FORWARD AND LET HIM RUN they've divested themselves of everyone who didn't meet that criteria, which leaves a few holes in their lineup which will be interesting to fill. It wouldn't be shocking if they bombed out this year - they limped into the finals last year before being curbstomped in the first round.

You should support them if: You enjoy stabbing people in the street but always get home on time to have Sunday dinner with Nanna.

Last year: 7th

CANBERRA RAIDERS




Supporters: Burn Down Canberra (you poor bastard), aejix

Ins: Jordan Turner (St Helens), Dunamis Lui (Dragons), Makahesi Makatoa (Bulldogs), Scott Sorensen (Mounties), Brent Naden (Mounties)

Outs: Lachlan Lewis (Bulldogs), Sisa Waqa (rugby union), Zac Woolford (Bulldogs), Sam Williams (Wakefield), Brenko Lee (Bulldogs), Paul Vaughan (Dragons)

Holy poo poo, I'm actually going to write positive things about the Raiders this year. BDC, hold on to your hat. The Raiders finally lived up to their quality last year, with a string of impressive victories and sizzling play all over the park. Of course, being the Raiders, they couldn't seal the deal, but they took massive strides towards rewarding their long-suffering fans and possibly getting them to believe again. There hasn't been a lot of movement in the off-season so one would naturally assume that they should be in for a good year, but knowing how this club normally goes there's a decent chance they'll be putting Lifeline on their jerseys as a major sponser by the halfway point of the season.

You should support them if: You just won $20 on a scratchie and are ready to buy one more lottery ticket before putting the barrel into your mouth for good.

Last year: 2nd

CRONULLA SHARKS




Supporters: Lacklustre Hero, Big Steveo

Ins: Manaia Cherrington (Wests Tigers), Tony Williams (Bulldogs), Jeremy Latimore (Panthers), Daniel Mortimer (Titans)

Outs: David Fifita (released), Mitch Brown (Leigh), Josh Cleeland (Bulldogs), Michael Ennis (retirement), Connor Tracey (Rabbitohs), Jesse Sene-Lefao (Castleford Tigers), Ben Barba (released), Jacob Gagan (Knights), Matt McIlwrick (Wests Tigers), Junior Roqica (London)

Someone once said that waiting for Cronulla to win the premiership was like leaving the porchlight on for Harold Holt. Well, I can't be hosed making some sort of segue/joke about it this year (because everyone and their dog made them over the last few months and my comedy is always fresh, goddammit), so I'm just going to lead with the headline: The loving Sharks finally won the big show. Clearly it was one of the signs of the apocalypse, alongside every single celebrity dying last year and Trump being elected, so I guess we should all just be happy for their fans before the lava overtakes us all. Looking at their ins and outs it was probably for the best they won it last year, since they've had a big clearout and apparently believe Cherrington and Mortimer are going to somehow lead them to any victories. Still, they got a trophy, so good for them. Maybe they could invest some of the prize money in not having their home ground stink like a swamp.

You should support them if: You've been enjoying our Seven Signs of the Apocalypse Countdown and are ready to end it all now.

Last year: 3rd (Premiers, WTF)

GOLD COAST TITANS




Supporters: oystertoadfish, Redeye Flight, Sojobo, Byolante

Ins: Dan Sarginson (Wigan), Jarrod Wallace (Broncos), Kevin Proctor (Storm), Paterika Vaivai (free agent), Tyler Cornish (Roosters)

Outs: Nathan Friend (retirement), David Hala (released), Nene Macdonald (Dragons), David Mead (Broncos), Cameron Cullen (Sea Eagles), Luke Douglas (St Helens), Josh Hoffman (Eels), Greg Bird (Catalans), Jed Cartwright (Panthers), Daniel Mortimer (Sharks), Brian Kelly (Sea Eagles), Matt Srama (retirement)

HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE

There. I saved you all from having to watch any Titans games with the sound on this year.

The Titans actually had a pretty well balanced team last year, and were unlucky to get bundled out of the finals so soon. This year, however, they seem to have thrown away every player they physically could, presumably so they can put all their eggs in the Peter Wallace/Jarryd Hayne basket. A different team in light blue could tell them how loving retarded that is, but I guess everyone needs to learn at their own pace.

You should support them if: You live in Queensland but have a weird affinity with wearing light blue and losing.

Last year: 8th

MANLY-WARRINGAH SEA EAGLES




Supporters: The Deadly Hume, Crawfoot, Fanatic

Ins: Frank Winterstein (rugby union), Shaun Lane (Warriors), Blake Green (Storm), Cameron Cullen (Titans), Akuila Uate (Knights), Curtis Sironen (Wests Tigers), Lloyd Perrett (Bulldogs), Jackson Hastings (Roosters), Brian Kelly (Titans), Jonathan Wright (Warriors)

Outs: Jamie Lyon (retirement), Tim Moltzen (retirement), Tom Symonds (Huddersfield), Siosia Vave (Eels), Liam Knight (Roosters), Nathan Green (released), Blake Leary (Blackhawks), Issac John (Mounties), Jayden Hodges (released), Rhys Armstrong (released), Fabian Goodall (rugby union), Halaufa Lavaka (released), Tony Satini (Panthers), Dylan Kelly (released), Hugh Pratt (released), Nicho Hynes (released), Darcy Cox (released), Josh Starling (Knights), Jamie Buhrer (Knights), Brayden Williame (Catalans), Matt Parcell (Leeds Rhinos), Feleti Mateo (Salford), Luke Burgess (Catalans)

The Silvertails. The Cunts from the Northern Beaches. Manly. In olden days they were one of the richer clubs, and liked to splash out and buy everyone with talent. In more recent times, they've been fairly successful but with the advent of Geoff Toovey and now Trent Barrett being the coaching equivalent of leukemia they've been losing players and matches with gay abandon. They've bought some decent players in the offseason, so it wouldn't be shocking to see them heading back up the ladder, but it's also hard to see how their coaching staff plans to do so considering they have literally no idea what they're doing.

You should support them if: You get scared crossing the Spit Bridge and prefer sponsor's daughters to man's best friend.

Last year: 13th

MELBOURNE STORM




Supporters: piss explosion, Franko, I Love Sanchize

Ins: Josh Addo-Carr (Wests Tigers), Brandon Smith (Cowboys), Vincent Leuluai (Roosters), Jahrome Hughes (Cowboys), Ryley Jacks (Sunshine Coast Falcons)

Outs: Marika Koroibete (rugby union), Josh Kerr (Dragons), Ryan Morgan (St Helens), Blake Green (Sea Eagles), Matt White, Francis Tualau (Bulldogs), Ben Hampton (Cowboys), Richard Kennar (Bulldogs), Kevin Proctor (Titans)

No description of Melbourne would be complete without a healthy reminder that they systematically cheated for years to win premierships and when they finally got caught and had their trophies taken off them they bleated on for ever about how harshly done-by they were. They've substantially benefited from this by being able to keep an incredible core of players together, which they've used to keep winning consistently even after losing some to the reality of having to conform to the salary-cap. As always, they'll be near the pointy-end, although it'll be nice if they don't win again since it never gets old to watch such a talented pack of cheaters get beaten. We're not bitter, I promise.

A hearty THANKS goes out at this point to the Sharkies for derailing the Storm Train last year, just when it looked like we'd have to put up with another offseason of their bullshit Melbourne superiority.

You should support them if: You have a large collection of trophies and don't care that nobody else recognises any of them being official.

Last year: 1st

NEWCASTLE KNIGHTS




Supporters: bowmore, Mackay, fuckpot, LuckySevens

Ins: Jamie Buhrer (Sea Eagles), Rory Kostjasyn (Cowboys), Ken Sio (Hull KR), Josh Starling (Sea Eagles), Jacob Gagan (Sharks), Joe Wardle (Huddersfield Giants)

Outs: Jeremy Smith (retirement), James McManus (retirement), Kade Snowden (retirement), Robbie Rochow (Rabbitohs), Akuila Uate (Sea Eagles), Jake Mamo (Huddersfield Giants), Korbin Sims (released)

Whilst winning only one game (and drawing one) game in the entirety of last year was pretty bad, things haven't been getting better in the off season. They haven't really gone shopping and have let a good amount of their remaining talent out the door (or into the emergency room), so I'm a bit worried that they're going to pick up their third wooden spoon in a row. On the other hand, they couldn't really get any worse than last year.... right?

You should support them if: You have been blissfully eccied/coked out of your mind since Johnsy was in the team and have no idea what they've been doing recently.

Last year: 16th

AUCKLANDNEW ZEALAND WARRIORSWELLINGTON ORCAS!





Supporters: Jono C, Ewar Woowar, Smorgasbord, Vagabundo, Thel

Ins: Kieran Foran (Eels)

Outs: Raymond Faitala-Mariner (Bulldogs), Thomas Leuluai (Wigan), Shaun Lane (Sea Eagles), Jonathan Wright (Sea Eagles), Henare Wells (Burleigh)

OK, this year they bought Foran. This should be a good laugh. The Warriors have been a running joke of buying theoretically good players and getting nothing out of them, so God only knows what will happen with someone like Foran who is already having a bit of a trainwreck of a career. Maybe he'll come good there and the Warriors will stop self-destructing every week? Who knows? They're generally a fun team to watch since there's always heaps of points in the offing, but there's always a good chance most of them will be in the other team's side of the ledger.

You should support them if: You love exciting football and massive underachievement.

Last year: 10th

NORTH QUEENSLAND COWBOYS




Supporters: foolish fool, 50% of FlickingFire (the less-successful indecisive parts)

Ins: Carlin Anderson (Broncos), Ben Hampton (Storm)

Outs: Brandon Smith (Storm), James Tamou (Panthers), Jahrome Hughes (Storm), Rory Kostjasyn (Knights), Tautau Moga (Broncos), Ben Hannant (retirement)

There was always going to be a hangover from finally winning a premiership, and to the Cowboys' credit they didn't drop too far down the table. They're always a dangerous team, and with JT starting to wrap up his long and storied career they're going to have a lot of incentive to send him out with a heap of premiership jewellry. They haven't been particularly active in the transfer market, and already have the core of an extremely good team. Expect another good showing, although it's hard to see them quite having the edge to win the thing.

You should support them if: You live anywhere in Queensland north of Brisbane. Seriously. What other loving choice do you have?

Last year: 4th

PARRAMATTA EELS




Supporters: Saul Goode, Danoss, spacegoat

Ins: Jamal Fogerty (Burleigh Bears), Siosia Vave (Sea Eagles), Nathan Brown (Rabbitohs), George Jennings (Panthers), Josh Hoffman (Titans), Suaia Matagi (Panthers), Frank Pritchard (Hull FC), Kirisome Auva'a (unattached), Will Smith (Panthers)

Outs: Tyrell Fuimaono (Rabbitohs), Michael Gordon (Roosters), Kieren Moss (Bradford), Anthony Watmough (retirement), Kieran Foran (Warriors), Luke Kelly (Rabbitohs), Danny Wicks (retirement), Vai Toutai (released), Mitch Cornish (Roosters)

The revolving door of "talent" continues unabated at the now homeless Parramatta "Football" Club. When you're this terrible and have such a massive upheaval of players it's impossible to predict improvement, but there's only so much further down they can go at this point, and they're not the loving Knights. Whilst watching Hayne shun them (because they never offered him a contract wtf) to go to a better blue and yellow team, the Eels have racked up enough negative highlights to fill the videos of every other club ennumerable times (except the Knights, I guess). Who knows how many fans will follow them to their temporary home - if they play as well as they did last year we might have a contender for beating the old Tigers/Magpies/Rabbitohs records for lowest attendance.

You should support them if: You can't bring yourself to go for a good western Sydney team so just picked the one with the longest name.

Last year: 14th

PENRITH PANTHERS




Supporters: Mootallica, Pig in the City

Ins: James Tamou (Cowboys), Tim Browne (Bulldogs), Michael Oldfield (Rabbitohs), Darren Nicholls (Redcliffe Dolphins), Mitch Rein (Dragons), Jed Cartwright (Titans)

Outs: Ben Garcia (Catalans), Chris Smith (Sydney Roosters), George Jennings (Eels), Zak Hardaker (Castelford), Jeremy Latimore (Sharks), Suaia Matagi (Eels), Andrew Heffernan (Hull KR), Chris Grevsmuhl (released), Robert Jennings (Rabbitohs), Will Smith (Eels)

A real standout year for the boys from the foot of the mountain, with a great core of young players and some clever moves in the transfer market. Everything seems sunny for Gus' lads, which means we'll have to loving hear about it every five minutes until the end of time. Look what you did, universe. Whether through lightning-fast attacking play or rock-solid defence, the Panthers were unlucky not to go further last year and it seems that barring injury they'll be up there at the pointy end for sure.

You should support them if: You've woken up in a cell at Penrith Police Station, saw a poster of the Chocolate Soldiers, and thought "this seems like a good life trajectory to continue".

Last year: 6th

ST GEORGE-ILLAWARRA DRAGONS




Supporters: heladocasero, Gregorio

Ins: Josh Kerr (Storm), Nene Macdonald (Titans), Cameron McInnes (Rabbitohs), Shaun Nona (Illawarra Cutters), Paul Vaughan (Raiders)

Outs: Mike Cooper (Warrington), Sebastine Ikahihifo (Huddersfield), Ben Creagh (retirement), Benji Marshall (Broncos), Dylan Farrell (retirement), Tom Carr (Bulldogs), Mitch Rein (Panthers), Dunamis Lui (Raiders), Adam Quinlan (Hull KR)

One of the blander and less offensive teams in the league, which for years has also been an excellent description of their playing style. Whilst their supporters look back fondly to a time where they were unquestionably the greatest team ever, the rest of us know that went into a retirement home decades ago, to be replaced by a stodgy and boring (but very occasionally successful) team in recent years. They've managed to get rid of Benji Marshall after finding out what everyone with a brain could have predicted about his ability nowadays, so I guess they'll probably go back to scoring 4 points per game. The only question is whether their tissue-paper defence will be able to restrict the opposition to less.

You should support them if: You hold onto any scraps of your prior success like the tattered dreams they are.

Last year: 11th

SOUTH SYDNEY




Supporters: Mills, Penguin Radar, Antitonic, SeekOtherCandidate

Ins: Tyrell Fuimaono (Eels), Robbie Rochow (Knights), Connor Tracey (Sharks), Robbie Farah (Wests Tigers), Luke Kelly (Eels), Anthony Cherrington (Redcliffe Dolphins), Robert Jennings (Panthers), Brett Greinke (Broncos)

Outs: Joe Burgess (Wigan), Luke Keary (Roosters), Paul Carter (Roosters), Kirisome Auva'a (released), Cameron McInnes (Dragons), Nathan Brown (Eels), Michael Oldfield (Panthers)

The pride of the league. Everyone's second club. Insert your own bullshit sycophantic spiel here. The most self-celebrated team in rugby league continued the comedic downward-spiral after their premiership win, and hilariously look like going even further down now that they're bought Robbie loving Farah as a older influence on the team. Asides from him they've had a bit of a cleanout and bought some decent youth, so might start going up the ladder if Farah stays injured and doesn't get the coach fired. This is bad for everyone since the only thing more horrific than Queensland coverage is when the Bunnies get going and the Sydney press starts fellating them 24/7.

You should support them if: You don't know what a Rabbitoh actually is and think it's a some old cute name for a fuzzy little bunny.

Last year: 12th

SYDNEY ROOSTERS




Supporters: Ribbo, Apollodorus, Green Eggs and Sam

Ins: Michael Gordon (Eels), Luke Keary (Rabbitohs), Liam Knight (Sea Eagles), Zane Tetevano (Wyong Roos), Paul Carter (Rabbitohs), Mitch Cornish (Eels), Brendan Santi (Blackhawks)

Outs: Vincent Leuluai (Storm), Sam Moa (Catalans), Tyler Cornish (Titans), Jackson Hastings (Sea Eagles)

A more detestable team of cunts has never existed in the history of mankind, and for our sins we must put up with them for yet another year. At least they're doing terribly nowadays, so we get to laugh at them a lot.

You should support them if: You're a stinkyhole.

Last year: 15th

WESTS TIGERS



(this image came up when I googled "Tigers Failure" and it was appropriate)

Supporters: iajanus, Contra Duck, Abalone Malone, Gorbash, emjayelle, MacDougall, Minisune

Ins: Jamal Idris (free agent), Matt McIlwrick (Sharks)

Outs: Josh Addo-Carr (Storm), Jack Buchanan (Widnes), Josh Drinkwater (released), Asipeli Fine (Bulldogs), Lamar Liolevave (Bulldogs), Billy McConnachie (released), Jesse Parahi (Rugby Sevens), Manaia Cherrington (Sharks), Dene Halatau (retirement), Robbie Farah (Rabbitohs), Curtis Sironen (Sea Eagles), Chance Peni (rugby union)

Ding dong, the Farah is dead! The spirit of the new is in the year, and the Tigers have all the talent and potential to have a wonderful year! With a talented core of young and skilled players and a defensive line that's astronomically better than any in the club's past, there's every chance the team will make the finals!

Of course, this is the basketcase club that threatens to go out of business every five minutes, loses control of their own Leagues Club and winds up massively in debt, never does anything intelligent in the transfer market, and frequently racks up 30 points only to open the floodgates and let in 50. Hell, all four of the team's most important players are off contract this year - I expect all of them to be playing somewhere else in 2018, if not sooner. Bonus points if they agree to new deals only to leave because we never give them a contract.

Honestly, I'm not bitter about Beau. Not at all.

You should support them if: You make terrible choices in life and have no pattern-recognising ability whatsoever.

Last year: 9th



ERRATA

NORTH SYDNEY CENTRAL COAST BEAGLE BEARS



People who still stupidly hold memberships: aejix, iajanus, quite a few other retards

Look, I want to believe. It's totally going to happen. Any day now. There can be miracles if you believe. :'(

And for our fans of shittiernorthern hemisphere football... who gives a gently caress, it's terrible (ps someone please send me a rundown of the teams etc and I'll put them in here)

Please note:
Puckish Rogue is a stinkyhole with terrible opinions. Everyone should avoid him and if he dies alone we would all be winners.

Um, also, his "favourite club [is] Billy Slater."

iajanus fucked around with this message at Jun 30, 2017 around 05:57

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iajanus
Aug 17, 2004

#GOAT


also if anyone wants any more photos/videos in the OP let me know

iajanus
Aug 17, 2004

#GOAT


Jesus Christ we are loving retarded

iajanus
Aug 17, 2004

#GOAT


Puckish Rogue posted:

Can Aussie players who have glassed/beaten American girlfriends and players who have committed crimes on American soil play for the US under the relaxed rules?

No, they all play for Australia.

iajanus
Aug 17, 2004

#GOAT


Cheers Jono, but the Tigers have the Warriors beaten with our new and improved 7 man leadership group (Aaron Woods, Chris Lawrence, Matt Ballin, Tim Grant, Mitchell Moses, Elijah Taylor and James Tedesco). Woods is still main captain with Lawrence and Ballin as vice-captains.

At some point we may as well make the entire team the leadership group.

iajanus
Aug 17, 2004

#GOAT


That's always the problem with the Warriors; they make great signings and then inexplicably can't put it together on the field.

This is similar to the Tigers, except we make terrible signings and then explicably can't put it together on the field.

iajanus
Aug 17, 2004

#GOAT


The most NRL of teams.

iajanus
Aug 17, 2004

#GOAT


God drat why did I book the 6:10am flight to Auckland tomorrow

iajanus
Aug 17, 2004

#GOAT


Of course I'm going to the Nines, what other reason would one ever have to fly to Auckland ?

Traditionally I sneak two hip flasks of scotch into stadiums but idk of I can be bothered this time, I'm probably going to want to be a lot more drunk than that for this. I'm still weighing up whether to take my tiger onesie I got as a Xmas present. I'm mostly overjoyed that it's about ten degrees cooler over there since it's a boiling hell here atm.

iajanus
Aug 17, 2004

#GOAT


The only upside about being at the airport at 5am is no line when buying copious amounts of duty free scotch and laughing at tourists trying to work out the automatic gates.

iajanus
Aug 17, 2004

#GOAT


It's also pretty good if you can go to the lounge and chill out with a few glasses of expensive spirits and then win the upgrade lottery to get business class tickets

iajanus
Aug 17, 2004

#GOAT


Counterpoint

Follow the Tigers and become a hollow shell of a person like many of us. Also follow NSW as winning things is overrated.

iajanus
Aug 17, 2004

#GOAT


bowmore posted:

gently caress the broncos

New thread title

iajanus
Aug 17, 2004

#GOAT


Vagabundo posted:

At least the Tigers and NSW have won their respective competitions within our lifetimes.

Follow the Warriors and prepare to be permanently disappointed.

To be fair, I'm in Mount Eden right now and it appears that perpetually gloomy is just the ground state here.

iajanus
Aug 17, 2004

#GOAT


Alain Post posted:

I followed the league last year and have arbitrarily decided to follow the Panthers

This is what mental illness looks like


Ps congratulations on winning the premiership this year

iajanus
Aug 17, 2004

#GOAT


It's spelt Panfaass get it right

iajanus
Aug 17, 2004

#GOAT


Sharks are clearly the "didn't give a gently caress" team this year.

iajanus
Aug 17, 2004

#GOAT


Welp great work tigers

iajanus
Aug 17, 2004

#GOAT


Alain Post posted:

Since this is my first real season following league and I know jack poo poo, are performances in the Auckland Nines at all predictive of how the season will turn out
Theoretically no.

iajanus
Aug 17, 2004

#GOAT


A glimpse into the past, present and future

iajanus
Aug 17, 2004

#GOAT


Mass exodus of warriors fans atm

iajanus
Aug 17, 2004

#GOAT


THE TIGERS WON A GAME BURN THE loving CITY DOWN WE ARE DONE

iajanus
Aug 17, 2004

#GOAT


Stop telling me things I desperately want to never happen.

iajanus
Aug 17, 2004

#GOAT


ili posted:

Titans won't win the premiership this year. Two young halves who've never played together, half a game Hayne lazing out the back and Peats getting injured all the time will see to that. Broncos premiers 2017, they'll pull out all the stops to send Benji out a winner. Either that or the Raiders, I hear Dave Taylor's been training thd house down and has never looked fitter.

He's been smashing them in the nets.

iajanus
Aug 17, 2004

#GOAT


Cheers woof, want to be added to the OP under the Dogs?

I don't think there's any reserved spots in our comps, everyone's invited. At some point if people send me their ladder predictions I'll start up the ladder comp again.

iajanus
Aug 17, 2004

#GOAT


Was pleasantly surprised about which singer sung which version of the anthem.

Although the English rendition was a pretty horrific attempt.

iajanus
Aug 17, 2004

#GOAT


I wasn't as critical of the lady singing the anthem in the (unfortunately didn't catch which specific one) other language since as I didn't understand it i wasn't sure if it was meant to sound like that.

Jesus Christ the world all stars don't give a gently caress

iajanus
Aug 17, 2004

#GOAT


You're not missing much

iajanus
Aug 17, 2004

#GOAT


Although I guess if you wanted to see Croker hey a serious knee injury then you got your wish

iajanus
Aug 17, 2004

#GOAT


Canberra deciding to tank their season before it starts. An interesting choice.

iajanus
Aug 17, 2004

#GOAT


loving commentators give me a heart attack saying Moses limped off seriously injured on the far side.

Eventually show a shot and he's comfortably walking around looking completely fine.

Hopefully croker isn't too badly hurt.

iajanus
Aug 17, 2004

#GOAT


That's generally how it goes, yes.

Except for players who want to pick up an awesome season ending injury.

iajanus
Aug 17, 2004

#GOAT


Resident Idiot posted:

Notes from tonight's trial:

Somebody gave me a free ticket outside the stadium - thanks, random dude.

Moses Soli looked the goods.

The Dragons lock got ten for throwing a punch, so good passion for a trial game I guess.

Idris also looked the part when he could hold the ball.

Tigers offence was 90% hit it up and bomb the fullback (or drop the ball - so many dropped balls), but that's trials. Dragons looked pretty solid though, especially in defence.

The referees were shameless of course but the Tigers seemed to get their share of the dodgy penalty calls which was nice.

The Dragons hooker got opened up somehow and came off looking like Benny Elias at SoO.

Jai Field scored a very nice try for the Dragons right on half time.

WIN Stadium looks like a cool place to watch football, at least in summer evenings.

Final score: Dragons 20-10.

Also six weeks for Croker I hear, for a dislocated kneecap.

Yeah, both teams looked decent, trial notwithstanding. It'll be nice to see the Tigers with closer to a real team. So, maybe in 2022.

iajanus
Aug 17, 2004

#GOAT


gently caress that's smart.

iajanus
Aug 17, 2004

#GOAT


hurry the gently caress up NRL season and start

there's only so many youtube videos of footy I can watch while pretending to work

iajanus
Aug 17, 2004

#GOAT


bowmore posted:

only like 18 more days until severe disappointment

The "reality kicks back in" effect is always a downer. At least last year we got to play the Warriors so the optimism stuck around an extra week.

iajanus
Aug 17, 2004

#GOAT


bowmore posted:

Tim Simona is a silly boy

I disagree; he knew we needed to free up cap space for our good players and selflessly dove on the grenade to get himself deregistered. A true Tigers hero!

(although drat him to hell if he cost us games last year, which watching his defence is definitely a possibility)

iajanus
Aug 17, 2004

#GOAT


There appear to be more people on the field them in the crowd at Campbelltown tonight.

iajanus
Aug 17, 2004

#GOAT


Yeah, I was quite happy that our third and fourth string players put on such a good fight.

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iajanus
Aug 17, 2004

#GOAT


Nice to see Robbie immediately showing why we were dumb to drop him.

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