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Fish Noise
Jul 25, 2012



Nae! posted:

Okay there's a lot to unpack here but let's have a really important chat about dick-size.

At one point, you've got: "...It was nearly nine inches in length and almost half that in girth." You want to know why someone said you write like a teenaged virgin? Because lines like that are mathematically ridiculous. Either you've got a guy who's <4.5 inches in circumference--which is usually how girth is measured, but below average for something you're talking up as huge--or you've got 4.5 inches in diameter, which is the width of a dvd. Your 9+ inches of samurai man now either looks like he's got a carrot between his legs or an especially tall spindle of blank CDs. One is really odd; the other will probably kill you.
Trying not to reach for the stylus right now.


Phil Moscowitz
Feb 19, 2007

Avant de chanter
Ma vie, de fair' des
Dans ma gueul' de bois
J'ai tourne sept fois
Ma langue
J'suis issu de gens
Qui etaient pas du gen-
re sobre
On conte que j'eus
La tetee au jus

Fish Noise posted:

Trying not to reach for the stylus right now.

I have a Folgers coffee can for a stylus

May 27, 2013

Yet where is that woman now? Tell me, in what heave does she reside? None of them. Because no God bothered to listen or care. If that is what you think it means to be a God, then you and all your teachings are welcome to do as that poor women did. And vanish from these realms forever.

Antivehicular posted:

TBH I was gonna yell at you about the Exalted/L5R fanfic thing, as well as Yowaimaru being an especially bad "a little Japanese knowledge is a dangerous thing" name, but the Gdoc repeatedly crashed my phone browser, so it'll have to wait until I get home and can finish the story/my bullet-pointed list of things to yell at you about.

I look forward to this, unironically. All criticism can only help.

Mar 5, 2004

neato devito

Like a tall-boy of red bull.

Like a tube of tennis balls hanging there. Four pack.

Like a loving policeman's flashlight from the 1980s hanging there.

Like a one liter thermos.

Like a deflated football.

May 5, 2008

Where do fists come from?

I your bottom the goatman? Because I feel like this is the only way the relationship is gonna work.

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007

Blood Empress of Thunderdome

Tap to emit spores

Clapping Larry


crimson empress

gently caress instead of writing i should have focused on building a yaoi empire


Sitting Here fucked around with this message at Nov 6, 2018 around 05:51

anime was right
Jun 27, 2008

death is certain
keep yr cool

im the small tent in yowaimaru's kimono

anime was right
Jun 27, 2008

death is certain
keep yr cool

also nae! join the writing discord, thanks.

Sep 14, 2013

Sometimes it's not the bomb that's retarded.

'You write gay erotica like you're a teen-aged virgin. That's not a criticism'

That should have set off some alarms.

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007

Blood Empress of Thunderdome

Tap to emit spores

Clapping Larry

you write historical fiction like Mork from Ork. that's not a criticism

Dec 30, 2011

I won a rosette in the Thunderdome

Covok posted:

I look forward to this, unironically. All criticism can only help.

All right, as promised, here's some yelling, in no particular order besides my thoughts:

* If you want to rip off Exalted, I can't actually stop you, but I think it'd be better if you were less blatant. The Not-Scarlet-Empress-Really and Not-Blessed-Isles-Really are just too transparent to anyone who's ever heard of your source material. Also, does any of this backstory matter to the plot?

* Similarly, does the family the rugged soldier guy comes from have to be the Crab? It really completes the feeling that this is just Exalted/Legend of the 5 Rings fusion porn, and the audience for Internet smut like this is nerdy enough that I won't be the only one to notice.

* And on the subject of nerdy pedantry... let's talk about names for a moment. Yes, it's fun to create clever/meaningful/symbolic names. The problem, though, is that they get heavy-handed and distracting fast, and the only people who'll even notice they're clever are the same people likely to be distracted. The main character being named "Yowaimaru" snapped me out of any kind of engagement basically instantly; I think you'd do better here to just give these characters real Japanese names, instead of trying to make up "meaningful" ones.

* Yowaimaru has a lot of problems as a character, particularly as a viewpoint character. I get the idea that he's supposed to be young and oppressed by basically everyone around him, but even in that context he just feels petulant and unpleasant to follow. If he likes anything besides sitting seiza for long enough (and that could use some elaboration, frankly -- is the dude a masochist?) and manly dudes, if he has any dreams or hopes or even preferences, they're deeply unclear. After the night with Senyama, he just becomes a horny puppy, and that's not interesting either. Yowaimaru would be a ton better if he had some kind of ambition or hope driving him -- if he was doing this court thing because it actually meant something to him, or he had some goal to achieve -- something that makes him other than a whiny fuckable void.

* This worldbuilding is very heavy-handed and not very effective. I understand, or perhaps charitably assume, you're trying to make a statement about sexism here, but it comes off as someone trying very earnestly to teach a lesson on a prejudice they understand but haven't personally experienced, so it all rings very false. (It doesn't help that this kind of gay-male erotic fiction tends to make its female characters excessively villainous or controlling, often because of straight-out misogyny, so this overbearing matriarchy feels kind of unpleasant in that context.) Straining to make Yowaimaru exceptional, as the only male courtier full stop, doesn't help and opens up a lot of questions. There have to be plenty of sons in these noble houses who aren't fit for military service, or get sent home seriously wounded, or what have you; do they all just sit around being househusbands, or what? "Male courtiers are rare and face an uphill struggle for acceptance" would be fine. "Yowaimaru is the only dude ever to do this" doesn't make a ton of sense.

Also, why is Senyama even there? I guess he's supposed to be House Mother Baba (ugh, that name)'s second, but why does she need one for a basic marriage negotiation?

* So. The smut. As has already been mentioned, there are some mechanical issues with the smut; even aside from Senyama's stack-o-DVD-spindles dick, there are a lot of things going on here that are very stereotypical "teenage virgin" in writing, like Senyama apparently having no refractory period (going from orgasm to hard enough for anal penetration in, like, a paragraph and maybe 30 seconds of story time?), to Yowaimaru taking a 9-inch dick anally with no lube or prep and loving it. This is mostly stuff that can be figured out via basic sex-education resources, some of which exist just for smut writers. The bigger issue I have with this piece is that it goes to the well of some pretty regressive stereotypes about gay sexuality. We have the top as this huge, forceful/dominating, ultra-masculine guy with a huge dick and a very young, virginal, submissive, crossdressing bottom who's so feminized that the top starts calling him by the feminine form of his name (ugh) and whose penis is explicitly tiny and only useful for comedy. These stereotypes are completely ubiquitous in gay-male smut, and they're also extremely regressive ideas about how same-sex romance and sex work -- the "man" and the "woman," the conflation of sexual act preference with gender presentation and dominant/submissive roles... honestly, it's uncomfortable to read.

(I'm also not sure what to make of Yowaimaru's weird Taoism potion secret. I suspect what you're trying to do here is draw comparisons to trans people or people with intersex conditions here, maybe as a comparison to coercive gender assignment, but having the representative character for this be a cis man who was magically drugged is kind of clumsy and messy. If you want Yowaimaru to have an intersex condition or a trans identity, much better to just have that be a natural part of himself, rather than something that was forced on him as a cis guy.)

Here's my concern: your describing it as "LGBT+ erotica," as well as your attempts to make a point about sexism earlier, make me assume you want this story to be in some way progressive. This is a fine goal, but these stereotypical smut dynamics really, really undermine what you're trying to say. These characters are porn cartoons, not fully-realized characters whose sexualities are being meaningfully explored. If you want to write smut, it's okay to write porn cartoons, and frankly if you cleaned up the goofier sex scene mechanics you could probably find readers for this right now. If you want to write LGBT+ literature, though, this needs a ton more work and thought to make these people actual people.


Jul 28, 2018

Phil Moscowitz posted:

I think the same traits that make a good protagonist: realistic or at least understandable goals and motives (not just bad for bad’s sake), a proactive rather than reactive nature, and relatable character flaws that are more than just “Guy is a psychopath.”

This last one can be flipped on its head with antagonists in the sense that they can be compelling because they are so alien to the reader psychologically. But if their motives and actions make sense for them, and fit the character and the narrative, then their “alienness” itself can be compelling.

really late reply but i tend to write more force of nature villains than i do more human antagonist.

ones baiscally an anicent dragon god who's ambtions grew so great he could no longer use logical reasoning. he went insane as a result.

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