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GooseGooseGoose
Feb 17, 2017


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GooseGooseGoose fucked around with this message at Feb 24, 2017 around 01:26

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JakeP
Apr 27, 2003


Lipstick Apathy

My wow guild is recruiting

Scudworth
Jan 1, 2005

When life gives you lemons, you clone those lemons, and make super lemons.


Dinosaur Gum

-Delete all your dating site/app accounts.

-Set an alarm on your calendar app of choice for Feb 17th 2018.

-You can start going on dates again after that day, if you want to.

SpaceGoatFarts
Jan 5, 2010

sic transit gloria mundi


lol you spent to ask dating advices to goons

SUPERMAN'S GAL PAL
Feb 21, 2006

Holy Moly! DARKSEID IS!


How to be single: don't be in a relationship.

Ask yourself why *you* choose to move relationships along so quickly. Because that's a huge red flag.

But mainly:

SpaceGoatFarts posted:

lol you spent to ask dating advices to goons

GooseGooseGoose
Feb 17, 2017


SpaceGoatFarts posted:

lol you spent to ask dating advices to goons
Eh, Lowtax seems like he could use the money.

Who Is Paul Blart
Oct 22, 2010


Turn poly and gently caress gross/fat people

JakeP
Apr 27, 2003


Lipstick Apathy

GooseGooseGoose posted:

Eh, Lowtax seems like he could use the money.

lol roasted

remigious
May 13, 2009

Destruction comes inevitably


Lipstick Apathy

Rapid fire dating sucks rear end and I would rather die than have to go through that again.

Sunsetaware
Jun 1, 2012



If you like relationships, have relationships.

Eric the Half a Bea
Jul 13, 2008

Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so


Toilet Rascal

GooseGooseGoose posted:

I'm a male goon in my early 30s, and my entire dating life has consisted of a series of relationships lasting multiple years. I haven't really had a period of singleness lasting more than a couple months in the last 15 years, spread across 4 different women. I've had a couple of 1 or 2 date things between relationships, but that's about it - never more than 2 woman between big relationships, and never may dates. I seem to find women, then just fall into things super quickly, and all of a sudden I'm in a serious relationship and I don't know how I got there.

While the relationships haven't really been terrible, I'm beginning to think that dating this way might have bad effects. For example, I dated the last woman I was with for about 3 years. While we got along fairly well and there were a lot of good times had, there were incompatibility warning signs at the beginning of relationship that I ignored, and those ultimately led to our breakup. When I saw the warning signs, I felt like I should be concerned, but the relationship had already moved so fast (e.g. I introduced her to my close friends a week after we started dating and we were seeing each other pretty much every day after two weeks of dating) that I let the warm fuzzies overwhelm any doubts I had. After a couple years, it became obvious to both of us that I had no intention of marrying this woman, but at the same time things weren't really bad either, so we just got stuck in a lovely limbo that was, in some sense, a waste of time for both of us.

Maybe I just suck at breaking up with people?

I also have a weird feeling that I've "missed out" on the spontaneous fun of rapid fire dating, one night stands, etc. During the later parts of my last relationship, I wasn't really sure if I just hadn't been in enough bad relationships to know if this one was "good enough" or not.

I write this as I'm just a few weeks out from ending my last multi-year relationship, and I just went on a first date with a new girl that went really, really well. (Yes, gently caress me, why the gently caress am I trying to go on dates so quickly at this point?) I definitely don't think anything is near set in stone at this point, but at the same time, I want to safeguard myself from letting this get out of hand yet again. I've been in this state for so long that I have no loving clue about how to just be single. I mean, I'm not terrified of dying alone or anything, but at the same time, I find relationships occupy my mind a lot when I'm not in them.

Have you found yourself in this situation? Am I right in thinking this is a "problem?" What boundaries should I set for myself to keep from putting myself into a permanent funk?


You're codependent (I used to be until I stayed intentionally single for 2 years). Try being single and not going on a single date for minimum 3 months. Also you may want to invest in some therapy. Can't hurt.

SpaceGoatFarts
Jan 5, 2010

sic transit gloria mundi



See OP? You came here asking about advice and all you'll get is ; and

Eric the Half a Bea
Jul 13, 2008

Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so


Toilet Rascal

SpaceGoatFarts posted:

See OP? You came here asking about advice and all you'll get is ; and

Honestly, what did he expect we'd say?

GooseGooseGoose
Feb 17, 2017


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GooseGooseGoose fucked around with this message at Feb 24, 2017 around 01:26

SilverAvocado
Mar 21, 2010


I agree with what you've just said about trying too hard to make things work. It sounds like part of the problem is not being choosy enough.

I have a friend with a similar problem, although his relationships tend to last more like 6 months-year. But they are relationships that should have been more like a couple of weeks, or casual dating for a similar length of time. Basically he is letting people really closely into his life immediately, and then a few weeks down the line realises he doesn't like them that much, or is complaining to me incessantly about things they do he finds annoying, even though they are fairly reasonable things to do but just he can't get on with them. But because he's in too deep, he now has to do a proper relationship break up, rather than just casually stop seeing them. And that ends up taking months to arrange.

It seems like both you and him really enjoy the feeling of being in a full-blown relationship, rather than something a bit more detached. So I think one thing you can do is learn to enjoy the brief dates, the saying goodbye at the end of the evening rather than sleeping over all the time, meeting up only by arrangement to actually do something rather than dropping by on each other constantly for very informal time. Ironically I think most people find the really early part of the relationship some of the most exciting. There's tons to enjoy there!

But also you've got to have really good boundaries to keep someone at arm's length. You can figure out tricks to help yourself achieve this - line up fun activities to do for part of your weekend, and regularly on week days so you're not tempted to just ditch all your plans and spend the whole time with her. Make sure you've got a lot of fun things going on when you're alone at home, maybe start a project for yourself that you will really care about seeing through - watch the top 50 movies of all time, start a course like language, music or cookery, etc. Even an addictive videogame, anything so that you're not just going home to stare at 4 walls.

Maybe make yourself a promise that you won't let things get serious with this particular girl? Come up with some concrete definitions of what that means, for example put an actual figure on how many dates you will go on with other people, or how many people you will meet before you're allowed to get more serious with any of them. Give yourself a time limit that's at least a few months when you won't be allowed to do certain things - spend the whole weekend together, share grocery shopping, introduce them to friends, pick some of the obvious things you're tempted to do.

Also, something I'm always nagging my friend to do, be pretty honest with these women. Tell them you're specifically not looking for anything serious, so then if they invite you to a friends birthday party or family event or whatever, it's much easier to refer back to that conversation and say "That sounds a bit heavy for where I'm at. Hopefully see you next week". I could go on and on about this as my friend annoys me so much.... I think taking a week or several days as a timeout if you do spot potential incompatibilities like you mention in the OP is also a good move. And then if you don't like the person that much, you might just end up not calling them back. Keep setting yourself targets to add a little distance to things when you spot yourself moving in close and getting poor boundaries. Like if you see someone a couple of days in a row consciously pull yourself back and let some time pass before you suggest the next meet up.

pinkneck
Jun 19, 2013


I think it's okay to do the serial monogamy thing - some people are just wired that way. I think where you run into trouble is that you seem to not be able to let go of these women when it's not working out. Like, with the last girl - what were the early warning signs that you ignored? When did you realize you didn't want to have a future with her? Were you honest with her about it? How did you end up breaking up - did you finally make the call, or did she get fed up?

I think if you're being direct with these long-term partners and being honest about where you're at, you're in okay shape. I think if you're being wishy-washy and giving them the sense that you could potentially be with them long-term but know that you don't really want that, then it's less good.

EDIT: Also, when you talk about the relationship you recently ended, you don't sound sad or like you grieved at all (or even mentioned that you loved her - "we got along fairly well" and "good times were had" - this is 3 years of your life). Maybe that's just you being relieved it's over/maybe you're not sad/maybe you just aren't sharing, but I would encourage you to look into that and see what that's about.

pinkneck fucked around with this message at Feb 22, 2017 around 04:31

JFairfax
Oct 23, 2008

by Nyc_Tattoo


gently caress as many tinder sluts as you can until you get bored of casual sex

serious norman
Dec 13, 2007



Soiled Meat

GooseGooseGoose posted:

spontaneous fun of rapid fire dating, one night stands

all those things suck and are overrated, op.

Ytlaya
Nov 13, 2005


GooseGooseGoose posted:

This is probably the best advice... that I won't take because I'm terrible.

Then I guess you might as well close the thread? If you're not willing to make such a simple/easy change it obviously means you won't be willing to make any other useful change.

luscious
Mar 8, 2005

Who can find a virtuous woman,
For her price is far above rubies.


he wants you guys to piss on him first because the actual problem is a piss fetish.

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Scudworth
Jan 1, 2005

When life gives you lemons, you clone those lemons, and make super lemons.


Dinosaur Gum

Does your date know that you're only a few weeks out of a 3 year relationship? Because that is some poo poo.

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