MLS 2017: I'm gonna git you, soccer

The Something Awful Forums > Discussion > Sports Argument Stadium > The Ray Parlour > MLS 2017: I'm gonna git you, soccer

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whypick1: Dec 18, 2009; Just another jackass on the Internet

Get used to this image

Seattle Sounders FC

Inventors of Soccer
Established 2009, but let's pretend it was 1974

Home Stadium: CenturyLink Field "The Clink"

Yes, we share it with the Seahawks. No, we're not building a SSS. We already pack in 40k+ every game and trying to get a new stadium built in Seattle proper is a loving mess (see: Supersonics, RIP)

Our training grounds/USOC venue is Starfire Sports Complex in Tukwila. It's very..."cozy", but it's better than playing in Yankee Stadium.

Ownership

Adrian Hanauer (majority owner, owned the USL Sounders and was our first MLS-era GM), Joe Roth (Hollywood producer of classics such as The Jerky Boys Movie), Paul Allen (owns CLink and whatever parts of Seattle Amazon doesn't), Drew Carey (knows the value of the Showcase Showdown)

In addition to the real owners, season ticket holders elect an Alliance Council of fans that is consulted on FO decisions. From people on the Council, it's not been much besides a focus group, and they've not had the control some have wished. Season ticket holders also get to vote on the GM every 4 years.

Coaching Staff

Head Coach ~~Sigi Schmid~~Brian Schmetzer (seen here with his NASL Sounders jersey): Sigi finally got the boot in the middle of last season, replaced by long-time assistant coach/head coach of the former USL version/player for the NASL version/dude who can't seem to leave the PNW, Brian Schmetzer.

General Manager Garth Lagerway: Formerly of RSL. Said that the roster was going to get much younger this year, and boy howdy did he deliver.

Team

Likely Starting XI

The 4-3-3 is dead, long live the 4-2-3-1.

2017 Schedule

Why should I post all of that here. It's on the web.

2016 Recap

A Tale of Two Halves.

First half: 20 games. 20 points. No offense at all (that last game, a 3-0 loss to KC, we only recorded one shot...not shot on goal, just plain old shot, and that came at 88'). Defense that was average at best but looked worse because of the offense. Only head coach the team has ever known: fired. We're hosed, we're so loving fucke-

Second half: Schmetzer replaces Sigi and promptly ditches our dogshit 4-3-3 for a 4-2-3-1 with Alonso/Roldan suffocating teams in midfield. Lodeiro comes on to play the role of playmaker/Jesus Christ. Torres comes back a couple weeks later to replace I-hope-to-never-see-him-play-CB-again Brad Evans. Our defense becomes solid. Morris/Dempsey can't stop scoring goals and Lodeiro can't stop providing them...until Dempsey's heart tries to quit on him. Still, the team soldiers on and despite playing with 10 men most of the time (Valdez was basically a hole in the lineup), they keep picking up points and manage to sneak into the #4 spot on Decision Day (way to go rest of the West for letting that happen).

Playoffs: Squeak past KC in the Knockout Round on a ~~definitely offside~~ slightly controversial goal. Defeat Supporter's Shield winners Dallas in the semis thanks to a 3-0 result at home. Vanquish SS runners-up Colorado by giving them their only home loss on the year. And then...

Nevermind the fact that Toronto kept us from registering a single shot on goal after 120', SEATTLE WON THE loving MLS CUP AND NONE OF YOUR TEAMS DID. Let's recap that time Stefan Frei saved our asses, shall we?

gently caress yeah last year.

Developmental teams

The Sounders also have a second team that plays in USL, with the creative name of Sounders 2 (or S2). The nifty thing about S2 is that season ticket holders for that team can actually buy into being part owners of the team. There's also an U-23 team that plays in the PDL, and U18, U16, U15, and U14 youth academies.

Notable Transfers In for 2016:

Harry Shipp, MF - Maybe we can make him look like how he did in Chicago and not in Montreal?
Will Briun, FW - Currently our only lone FW option who isn't named "Jordan Morris"
Gustav Svensson, MF/D - Our token Swede now that Friberg is gone. Backup for Alonso, Marshall/Torres, Evans at RB at the moment

Notable Departures

Nelson Valdez, FW - Scored 0 loving goals for us in the regular season...then scores 2 in our first two playoff games. Anyway, hosed off back to Paraguay, giving us a DP slot back.
Tyrone Mears, RB - Picked up by Atlanta
Erik Friberg, MF - Went back to
Zach Scott, D - Mr. Sounder finally retired. Had his testimonial match yesterday.
Herculez Gomez, FW - Retired, working for ESPNFC.
Andreas Ivanschitz, MF - Option declined, currently playing in Czech Republic

History

The name "Seattle Sounders" was first used as the name for an expansion team for the 1974 season of the original NASL. They made it to the Soccer Bowl twice, but never won. The name was revived for an A-League/USL team in 1994, where they managed to win 4 league championships despite having an orca for their mascot.

In 2007, MLS awarded an expansion slot to Seattle, essentially "promoting" the USL team. Despite including the USL owner, the owners wanted to rename the team to get away from the "minor league" Sounders name. They offered up Seattle Alliance, Seattle Republic, and Seattle FC because someone must have been a huge Force Dork. The fans wrote in Seattle Sounders, and the owners acquiesced, only adding on an FC to the name.

Seattle Sounders FC started playing in MLS in 2009, the invention of soccer. Since then they have done quite well at winning, making the playoffs every year, finally winning the MLS Cup (which they also invented, btw) last year. Our fans are now even worse because of it.

Titles

US Open Cup - 2009, 2010, 2011, 2014
Supporter's Shield - 2014
Cascadia Cup - 2011, 2015
Heritage Cup - 2010, 2011, 2013, no one really cares
MLS Cup - 2016 bitches

Notable former Sounders

Kasey Keller - He continued this country's tradition of producing awesome and awesomely bald GKs. Currently the color commentator for Sounders TV broadcasts.
Marcus Hahnemann - Slipknot fan, bald GK, still probably receiving red cards for yelling at fourth officials
DeAndre Yedlin - Highly talented homegrown back and USMNT regular, hopefully getting even better in the Premier League. Went to Tottenham, they loaned him to Sunderland, he finally started a game back in October!
Fredy Montero - Went to Portugal, did pretty well, went to China for , but thanks to the CSL's very sudden "we shouldn't have so many foreigners" rule, he came back to MLS...to Vancouver.
Servando Carrasco - Only notable for being inside Alex Morgan, possibly right at this very moment.
Sebastien Le Toux - USL Sounder, went to Philly long ago, still kicking around, fan favorite
Roger Levesque - A goofy USL Sounder with a great mustache who scored a goal against Portland in 48 seconds, earning their eternal ire. Graduated from UW's business school, now has a cushy job in the FO.
Steve Zakuani - Sadly never recovered from his injury and retired. Now does studio work for the Sounders TV crew, and has been focused on his charity, which holds a game inviting Seattle soccer alums to play. If you donate enough, you can play too! Yes, really!
Michael Tetteh, Peter Vagenas, Mike Seamon -

Rivalries

Portland Timbers - Portland are like our younger sibling who refused to sell out and get a real job and acts all smug that we did. Lots of hate between these two fanbases. It was briefly bad since Portland won MLS Cup in '15, but...well, I'll let Dempsey take it from here
Vancouver Whitecaps - The other Cascadian rival. Unlike the bastard hipsters to the south, just some nice Canadians with a poor choice of teams. Montero joining them (see above) adds a new wrinkle to the rivalry though.
LA Galaxy - As Portland saw us, we've seen them. They have always been just that little bit more better and more successful and have consistently ruined our postseasons. Didn't have to beat them in the playoffs this time, but we did finally beat them on their turf for the first time since '09...and how.
San Jose Earthquakes - Nobody cares about the Heritage Cup, but we do care about yelling "gently caress YOU WONDOLOWSKI", just like every team should.

Fans / Media

Emerald City Supporters. The biggest SG. Odds are if you don't hate the Sounders because of the team, you hate them because of these guys. The flags will never go down, stop asking. Has goon members, including the current poster.
Gorilla FC. The other SG, whom you probably don't hate.
Sounder at Heart. The SBNation Sounders blog.

Why you should invest heavily into the Sounders FC:

You're the kind of fan who noticed that the Seahawks won a Super Bowl a few years ago and decided to become a lifelong fan of them and are now deciding to get into soccer similarly
You want to see the uniforms that Adidas comes up with when high
You're eager to hear the latest rhymes from Dempsey in between sweet goals from him
You want a defensive midfielder who just doesn't give a gently caress
You're annoying and smug, and kind of an rear end in a top hat, but at least not as much as those other guys

Sounders Goons:

whypick1, who is me, duh
Xylorjax, the angriest of Sounders
shirts and skins
SeaTard
Qu Appelle
Jack2412
Was_Taters
DR AIDS
Tzen
tk
many more, we are legion

And one last time for good measure

whypick1 fucked around with this message at 01:29 on Mar 3, 2017

# ¿ Mar 2, 2017 18:24

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# ¿ Apr 27, 2024 11:54

whypick1: Dec 18, 2009; Just another jackass on the Internet

Xylorjax posted:

The angriest of Sounders? Ehh. Yeah, you might be right. But we're the champs so gently caress everyone else.

Blame foobar, I just left that on from last year's post.

And :agreed:

# ¿ Mar 3, 2017 01:07

whypick1: Dec 18, 2009; Just another jackass on the Internet

shirts and skins posted:

Speaking of playoffs, am I to assume that the eligibility rules stay the same despite the expanding league? Still top 8 from each conference?

Top 6, and yes afaik

# ¿ Mar 4, 2017 20:48

whypick1: Dec 18, 2009; Just another jackass on the Internet

I was going to say "just go to Aztex games", but... yeah...

# ¿ Mar 4, 2017 21:29

whypick1: Dec 18, 2009; Just another jackass on the Internet

Speaking of making the Galaxy hateable again (which is impossible because they were never un-hated), Jermaine Jones and Dave Romney both suspended by DisCo for dangerous tackle/simulation, respectively.

HAW-HAW!

# ¿ Mar 9, 2017 01:25

whypick1: Dec 18, 2009; Just another jackass on the Internet

https://twitter.com/NERevolution/status/840203317242449920

Guess this means we won't have any woefully underdressed Lions fans dying from exposure then.

# ¿ Mar 10, 2017 16:24

whypick1: Dec 18, 2009; Just another jackass on the Internet

all-Rush mixtape posted:

Bury my heart at Mt. Puto

April thread title?

# ¿ Mar 20, 2017 17:31

whypick1: Dec 18, 2009; Just another jackass on the Internet

https://twitter.com/PCarrESPN/status/845771147790700545

# ¿ Mar 26, 2017 00:32

whypick1: Dec 18, 2009; Just another jackass on the Internet

Are the Gophers doing spring practices right now? Maybe the Loons can borrow a tackling dummy to replace Demidov.

# ¿ Mar 27, 2017 03:43

whypick1: Dec 18, 2009; Just another jackass on the Internet

Atlanta fans appear to have picked up poo poo-talking rather quickly:

http://www.dirtysouthsoccer.com/2017/3/27/15070258/we-found-the-greatest-atlanta-united-customized-kit-so-far

# ¿ Mar 27, 2017 21:42

whypick1: Dec 18, 2009; Just another jackass on the Internet

I'm shocked :geno:

# ¿ Mar 29, 2017 03:05

whypick1: Dec 18, 2009; Just another jackass on the Internet

https://twitter.com/RealSaltLake/status/847167701147500544

I kinda wonder why they held out until after their game vs. NYRB.

# ¿ Mar 29, 2017 20:26

whypick1: Dec 18, 2009; Just another jackass on the Internet

https://twitter.com/jeffrueter/status/847866763853385730

Maybe they'll go down to a GAA of <4 with this move.

# ¿ Mar 31, 2017 18:48

whypick1: Dec 18, 2009; Just another jackass on the Internet

Petke didn't coach that game :ssh:

Which dumb, stupid team is going to be the first to get shutout by Minnesota? Do we make fun of them more than RSL for being the first to lose to them?

# ¿ Apr 2, 2017 21:46

whypick1: Dec 18, 2009; Just another jackass on the Internet

Would some scrub NASL team have a current World Cup-winning player on their team? :colbert:

(We are expanding too fast for my liking though)

# ¿ Apr 8, 2017 00:03

whypick1: Dec 18, 2009; Just another jackass on the Internet

Seriously. Going back to 2005 (Chivas/RSL), each expansion team's inaugural season:

Chivas: 18 points out of 32 games, dead last
RSL: Only 2 points better
Toronto: 25 points out of 30 games, dead last
SJ 2.0 (this counts, right?): 33 points, dead last
Seattle: 47 points, #4 in the league, #3 West, top wild card seed
Philly: 31 points, #14 out of 16
Portland: 42 points in 34 games, #12 out of 18
Vancouver, 28, dead last
Montreal: 42 points, #12 out of 19
Orlando: 44 poiints, #13 out of 20
NYC: 37 points, #17 out of 20

11 teams, only 1 playoff spot ( :smug:

)

Atlanta certainly looks like the real deal, but definitely an aberration. Minnesota...well, they gave up less than 4 goals last week, so...progress? :shrug:

# ¿ Apr 8, 2017 00:32

whypick1: Dec 18, 2009; Just another jackass on the Internet

Dallan Invictus posted:

lots of stuff

I'm against expanding so quickly looking at just the league itself, but you make some good points in regards to how it can help US/Canada soccer as a whole and how player acquisition mechanisms have changed in the past decade+.

TAM/GAM was the year after Orlando/NYC joined though.

# ¿ Apr 8, 2017 01:20

whypick1: Dec 18, 2009; Just another jackass on the Internet

Which needs-to-be-emancipated keeper will take his place? MacMath?

# ¿ Apr 11, 2017 23:04

whypick1: Dec 18, 2009; Just another jackass on the Internet

So does this mean he's going to drop a hat trick during WCQ in 6 months?

https://twitter.com/TorontoFCMR/status/852888203476570112

# ¿ Apr 14, 2017 15:40

whypick1: Dec 18, 2009; Just another jackass on the Internet

Won't be as bad as Donovan/Dunivant at least.

# ¿ Apr 18, 2017 19:35

whypick1: Dec 18, 2009; Just another jackass on the Internet

NFL schedules came out yesterday and there's only 2 days when the Galaxy and their new second-class roommates will be at StubHub on the same weekend (Sept 17/18, Sept 30/Oct 1). It looks like there won't be any problems for the playoffs either unless the Galaxy wind up hosting the final as the Chargers are at home on Dec 10, which is probably when the final will take place.

As much as I'd like to see the Galaxy use their primary tenant status to force the NFL to reschedule a game, gently caress having them in the finals insha'allah.

# ¿ Apr 21, 2017 21:03

whypick1: Dec 18, 2009; Just another jackass on the Internet

NHL and NBA, for starters.

# ¿ Apr 21, 2017 23:12

whypick1: Dec 18, 2009; Just another jackass on the Internet

And the dipshit loser team that's the first to get blanked by Minnesota is officially Colorado. Congratulations guys, I knew you could do it.

# ¿ Apr 24, 2017 01:03

whypick1: Dec 18, 2009; Just another jackass on the Internet

LA: WE WANT THE RAIDERS
NFL: gently caress you, you get the Rams and Chargers

# ¿ Apr 24, 2017 07:31

whypick1: Dec 18, 2009; Just another jackass on the Internet

Full list

# ¿ Apr 25, 2017 21:29

whypick1: Dec 18, 2009; Just another jackass on the Internet

Your Boy Fancy posted:

I want to love my team, but man, they make it hard.

This needs to be a thread title at some point.

# ¿ Apr 29, 2017 20:04

whypick1: Dec 18, 2009; Just another jackass on the Internet

Dallan Invictus posted:

Toronto chat: actually why isn't Giovinco playing? I thought you were resting him on Saturday but he didn't even make the bench last night either, and there's no news of an injury either. It's honestly kinda weird.

http://www.torontosun.com/2017/05/10/toronto-fcs-sebastian-giovinco-out-for-wednesday-nights-clash-with-columbus-crew-due-to-injury

# ¿ May 11, 2017 17:44

whypick1: Dec 18, 2009; Just another jackass on the Internet

Atlanta's number is going to go from comically low to comically high in the next two months.

# ¿ May 11, 2017 21:08

whypick1: Dec 18, 2009; Just another jackass on the Internet

I'd rather not imagine what Pareja could do with an actual budget kthx.

# ¿ May 13, 2017 09:49

whypick1: Dec 18, 2009; Just another jackass on the Internet

Remember how the Chargers were only going to be squatting in Galaxy's stadium for 2 years?

https://twitter.com/LATimesfarmer/status/865251929483427841

...whoops

# ¿ May 18, 2017 18:13

whypick1: Dec 18, 2009; Just another jackass on the Internet

Cross-posting from the USOC thread:

whypick1 posted:

Coin flips were determined today to determine who's hosting in round 4, where MLS teams come in:

Rochester Rhinos/GPS Omens @ New England Revolution
New York City FC @ New York Red Bulls
Reading United/Harrisburg City Islanders @ Philadelphia Union
Christos FC/Chicago FC United @ D.C. United
Columbus Crew SC @ FC Cincinnati/Louisville City FC
Jacksonville Armada/Charleston Battery @ Atlanta United FC
Miami FC/Tampa Bay Rowdies @ Orlando City SC
Chicago Fire @ Michigan Bucks/Saint Louis FC
Houston Dynamo @ North Carolina FC/Charlotte Independence
FC Dallas @ San Antonio FC -OR- Tulsa Roughnecks FC @ FC Dallas
Minnesota United FC @ Sporting Kansas City
Colorado Springs Switchbacks/Oklahoma City Energy FC @ Colorado Rapids
Real Salt Lake @ Reno 1868 FC/Sacramento Republic FC
LA Wolves FC/Orange County SC @ LA Galaxy
San Francisco Deltas/Phoenix Rising FC @ San Jose Earthquakes
Portland Timbers @ Seattle Sounders

# ¿ May 18, 2017 22:17

whypick1: Dec 18, 2009; Just another jackass on the Internet

January

# ¿ May 24, 2017 03:01

whypick1: Dec 18, 2009; Just another jackass on the Internet

DisCo was busy this week: 3 suspensions for violent conduct, 2 fines.

# ¿ May 25, 2017 21:31

whypick1: Dec 18, 2009; Just another jackass on the Internet

Fire.... good?

# ¿ May 26, 2017 03:40

whypick1: Dec 18, 2009; Just another jackass on the Internet

shirts and skins posted:

Welp. Here comes the annual call-up bug. Between injuries and call-ups the Sounders are left with one (1) forward on the roster, international superstar Seki Akedoya(!?). They will be playing at Columbus, who just lost to Toronto 5-0.

MLS can be crazy so I will be happy to be wrong, but I get the sense this game will have all the goal scoring action of that Huddersfield/Reading playoff. Perhaps I will spend Wednesday evening watching paint dry instead.

By saying all of this you're basically guaranteeing that this game is going to end 6-5, because MLS.

# ¿ May 30, 2017 18:23

whypick1: Dec 18, 2009; Just another jackass on the Internet

JJJ is pre-glasses Vaughn in this scenario, isn't he?

And now I'll have to spend the next 20 minutes looking up Bob Uecker clips.

# ¿ May 30, 2017 19:20

whypick1: Dec 18, 2009; Just another jackass on the Internet

B.B. Rodriguez posted:

Jake Taylor with Dorn's personality. Was once kinda good, but is now old, injured, and will only do one good thing this year.

I was trying to pick just one guy, but I think you've nailed it there.

# ¿ May 30, 2017 20:55

whypick1: Dec 18, 2009; Just another jackass on the Internet

Huh, actually surprised to see this happen:

https://twitter.com/OrlandoCitySC/status/872551874385326080

# ¿ Jun 7, 2017 21:38

whypick1: Dec 18, 2009; Just another jackass on the Internet

If that flag was really supposed to represent Portland there wouldn't be any black in it :v:

Good riddance to that twatwaffle.

# ¿ Jun 14, 2017 20:44

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# ¿ Apr 27, 2024 11:54

whypick1: Dec 18, 2009; Just another jackass on the Internet

Source: http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/british-columbia/whitecaps-sexual-assault-1.4163436

# ¿ Jun 16, 2017 05:26

The Something Awful Forums > Discussion > Sports Argument Stadium > The Ray Parlour > MLS 2017: I'm gonna git you, soccer

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