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Ofaloaf
Feb 15, 2013



I'm in a poorgoon phase and have moved back in with my parents, and watching them as an adult... the tension is almost palpable. Both of them seem to just not like the other for specific things, and neither of them seem to make much effort to change. They argue, and get into shouting matches at various times of the day. Today I got up before my alarm because they started the day yelling accusations at each other loudly enough to wake me up, and so I've spent all day at work tired and chugging coffee. It's emotionally draining being home with them together, and physically it's starting to take a toll, too.

Dad's obese, not to the point of moving around on a rascal scooter but yeah that man's probably a hundred pounds above what's healthy for him. He snacks all the time, and relishes eating garbage food. He used to be a heavy drinker too, but at my mom's behest he quit 6 years ago and has been totally dry ever since. Despite my dad being fat and eating poorly, it's my mom who seems to be physically deteriorating more, with arthritic hands and eyesight poor enough that when she writes emails she has to do it in size 72 font.

My mom pleads with my dad on a regular basis to eat better and exercise more, and he keeps making noises about doing that but never puts in much effort. My dad, for his part, complains that he doesn't get much appreciation from her for all he's done already (including going teetotal), and quietly has told me that he and my mom haven't haven't been intimate even once this century. My mom's a bit more aggressively in-your-face about how much she hates how fat my dad is (there's at least a passive comment about his weight daily from her), while my dad takes the passive approach and just tries to avoid a confrontation until he occasionally breaks, yells a little and then my mom cries.

Some of this would be resolved if my dad properly committed to losing weight, but I got a vague suspicion that my mom's back pains and arthritic hands are making her more frustrated with herself and her body as she gets older, and she's partially venting onto my dad, and that won't stop even if my dad shapes up. My mom's really confrontational with everyone, be they family members, people in town or folks with different politics than her. I also suspect that my dad's efforts to avoid confrontation are just delaying the inevitable, and have done little to resolve any of the ongoing issues my parents have with each other.

I don't think divorce would do them much good- or at least, my mom's never held a full-time job and she has a wealth of health issues, so I have my doubts about her being able to support herself independently of my father- but I don't know what would be best or what to do, other than I ought to do something.


tl;dr- my parents act like they're in a hapless marriage and I'm living with them atm, I hate how miserable it is in the house and want to figure out how to make them less miserable towards each other.

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ChairMaster
Aug 22, 2009

Every time I post in the CanPol thread I should be reminded that I really need to seek some professional help.

You can safely ignore me really because until then my posts are worthless, unimportant garbage.


It is a genuinely terrible idea to try to fix your parents lives. They sound like they're stuck together by physical necessity and inertia, and they're almost certainly too old to make a huge life change at this point. They've been together longer than you've been alive.

You can still love your parents and accept that their lives aren't going to be all that great and that there's really nothing you can do to help that.

u wan fuck
Dec 28, 2002




Sounds like a pretty normal long-term aging marriage honestly. If they still sleep in the same bed they are like mid-tier healthy even.

biracial bear for uncut
Jun 9, 2009
EVERYTHING THIS DIPSHIT POSTS IS



BLOCK/IGNORE THEM IMMEDIATELY



Best thing to do is move out ASAP, OP. Because you being there is just driving home to them how badly they failed as parents, even if they never openly argue about that in front of you.

You are not responsible for your parents' happiness, but you are responsible for your own.

false flag post-op
May 13, 2009

Enjoy Every Sandvich

Marry your mother and kill your father.

OR stop being poor and move out.

biracial bear for uncut
Jun 9, 2009
EVERYTHING THIS DIPSHIT POSTS IS



BLOCK/IGNORE THEM IMMEDIATELY



false flag post-op posted:

Marry your mother and kill your father.

OR stop being poor and move out.

Marry your father and kill your mother.

walgreenslatino
Jun 2, 2015

حزب البعث الاشتراكي
في البنسلفانيا




Lipstick Apathy

Perhaps you can respectfully voice your concerns to your parents individually
Maybe you can tell your dad that "you" want to start exercising and eating better to get healthier (I am assuming you are a fat goon) and ask if he'd resolve to do it with you.

Alternatively you can do nothing, and move out of your parents' basement, because you can't fix this for them and you can't make them get therapy. It doesn't sound like they have the resolve to get divorced

I really don't know what else there is to tell you

Jeffrey of YOSPOS
Dec 22, 2005

HANDSOME FIGHTERS NEVER LOSE BATTLES


Cybernetic Crumb

Sleep with earplugs and stay out of it. I mean, you can try and get your dad to lose weight if you want to, but do it for his health and not his marriage.

extra stout
Feb 24, 2005


You have no viable options other than doing what it takes to move out again, and then based on how much you like them these are issues you can mention on the phone. There is a genetic ranking of respect and arrogance, some tiny tiny fraction of parents are able to take advice from their kids. Cure cancer, make a billion dollars, or have the most open minded parents alive. Anything shy of that list will lead to them finding a way to ignore even your most educated and considerate opinion. They married each other and cannot take advice from one another. What makes you think advice from you will accomplish anything more than them finding a way to disregard it because they remember you in diapers, or them asking you very often how soon it'll be til you move back out?

Who Is Paul Blart
Oct 22, 2010


Continue to make your parents' poo poo lives all about you and to take personal responsibility for the happiness of other people. That should help a lot.

Nathilus
Apr 4, 2002

I alone can see through the media bias.

I'm also stupid on a scale that can only be measured in Reddits.

u wan gently caress posted:

Sounds like a pretty normal long-term aging marriage honestly. If they still sleep in the same bed they are like mid-tier healthy even.

The whole "marriage is miserable as gently caress" shtick is as funny as it ever was, but just not true. I've been witness to plenty of marriages that aged quite well, and it sure as hell doesnt take a couple with 180 iqs and the patience of saints to do the whole getting old thing without being at one anothers' throats.

Not that the op can really do anything productive in this situation. I just think you're full of poo poo. Good day sir.

extra stout
Feb 24, 2005


Nathilus posted:

The whole "marriage is miserable as gently caress" shtick is as funny as it ever was, but just not true. I've been witness to plenty of marriages that aged quite well, and it sure as hell doesnt take a couple with 180 iqs and the patience of saints to do the whole getting old thing without being at one anothers' throats.

Not that the op can really do anything productive in this situation. I just think you're full of poo poo. Good day sir.

Wouldn't it be the opposite concern? I would think people with an IQ of 180 would constantly analyze themselves and each other and decide an exact amount of days before they would rather go meet someone new than deal with being disappointed by their partner any longer.

People with an IQ of 80 just think "well nobody else seems in love with me and we enjoy the tv dinners together"

inkajoo
Oct 4, 2015


Half of people on the earth would kill to have a family like this, OP. You should count your blessings and be grateful for your family no matter how lovely they are, family is the most important thing and what's even more important is screwing up your own life by getting mixed up in their personal issues.

Dick Trauma
Nov 30, 2007

God damn it, you've got to be kind.

inkajoo posted:

You should count your blessings and be grateful for your family no matter how lovely they are

Can you expand on this?

Jeza
Feb 13, 2011

The cries of the dead are terrible indeed; you should try not to hear them.


Don't think OP realises how fast I would have moved onto a friend's couch/the streets the moment my own father confided details of his sex life to me.

I mean, we're talking like crazy fast. Land speed record territory.

Darude - Adam Sandstorm
Aug 16, 2012

Saviour, thy name is Knuckle


Don't worry OP your parents hate you too.

Who What Now
Sep 10, 2006



The important thing to remember is that if your parents get divorced it's all your fault for not cleaning your room.

SUPERMAN'S GAL PAL
Feb 21, 2006

Holy Moly! DARKSEID IS!


Dick Trauma posted:

Can you expand on this?

Aren't you traumatized enough? No more expansion until that heals, buddy!


One of the worst mistakes I ever made was getting involved with my parents' problems. I thought it was my responsibility as the oldest child to "fix" things, to support my mother after dad betrayed her trust, to confront my father and make him admit he was wrong to do what he did to mom. In some ways it was good for me because it was my impetus to move out and begin to confront MY problems: co-dependency, effects of toxic parenting, abusive behaviors, etc. I'm still working on all those in and out of therapy and probably will be for the rest of my life.

Jeffrey of YOSPOS posted:

Sleep with earplugs and stay out of it.

Seriously, remove yourself as much as possible from their issues. If moving out isn't an option treat them as roommates and DON'T GET INVOLVED. Maybe find some activity out of the house so you're only going home to sleep and bathe? You cannot fix your parents, you are not responsible for fixing them, and frankly they don't deserve your emotional work if they're going to disrespect you by not taking care of their own poo poo.

My mother did go to therapy and recognized she was wrong to involve me the way she did. My father got dementia and eventually dropped dead. It's worked out well I suppose, but I wouldn't recommend the latter to anyone.

Ofaloaf
Feb 15, 2013



Keep staying out of it sounds like the best course of action, then. Thank you, all.

Jeza posted:

Don't think OP realises how fast I would have moved onto a friend's couch/the streets the moment my own father confided details of his sex life to me.
My dad's always been alarmingly open about everything in his life since forever, I'm well past being phased by that sort of thing.

Hate Fibration
Apr 8, 2013

FLÄSHYN!

Ofaloaf posted:


My dad's always been alarmingly open about everything in his life since forever, I'm well past being phased by that sort of thing.

Is your dad Forrest Gump?

Fermented Tinal
Aug 25, 2005
PLEASE SHUT THE FUCK UP

tia


My folks have fought a lot over the three decades they've been married. I know they've had some serious ups and downs, especially regarding one of my parents' relationship with their parents (or rather, still surviving abusive mother going senile in her late 80s). I'm pretty sure at one point they weren't intimate and were staying together soley for my brother and I and those years kinda sucked.

I could extoll at lengths as to what their problems over the years have been and whatnot but that's not the point. Divorce was a word one used a lot earlier on in their marriage (more to say a hurtful thing rather than intending to go through with it) though in later years the other has contemplated it a few times but ultimately never would go through with it.

My folks fight several times a week and are both almost 60. On one hand you could say they're miserable, and there are plenty of indicators of this. Both should've abandoned ship long long ago.

On the other hand, they apparently still bone almost daily, which is great for them, but goddamn your 30yo son doesn't want to know thanks.

Fermented Tinal fucked around with this message at Mar 22, 2017 around 20:20

KomodoWagon
May 10, 2013


Hate Fibration posted:

Is your dad Forrest Gump?

Forrest Gunt.

Android Blues
Nov 22, 2008



Seventeen years? Christ alive. I don't have any helpful advice I just want to say that this thought is a sad one.

RNG
Jul 9, 2009



As someone who was recently in your situation:
Long term relationships look way loving different from anything a younger adult would expect. I can almost guarantee you they'd be more miserable in the open market or with a new partner than with someone who puts up with their bullshit. Hope it all works out.

legsarerequired
Dec 31, 2007


College Slice

I'm in an eerily similar situation. I'm living with my family right now and the nonexistent relationship between my parents used to break my heart. My mom recently lost fifty pounds and is trying to get my pre-diabetic dad to lose weight, but he's been over 300 pounds for as long as I can remember so I'm not sure if he's going to do it. They used to constantly fight and lash out at each other when they were more stressed. They began dating when they were 16 and my earliest memories are of my mom (in her mid 30s) crying to me that she didn't want to be married to my dad anymore. I remember walking up to my mom when I was nine or so with my sister and tearfully telling her she could leave dad if she wanted while she was crying on the phone about him hitting her. The only way I could deal with it was by shutting it out, because they never were going to change. It's tough living in that situation but honestly after a certain point if you can't afford to move out you have to put on your headphones and tune it out.

like a cigarette should
Oct 26, 2004

DOCTOR'S ORDERS!


My parents have absolutely no relationship and I wish they'd just divorce each other and get it the gently caress over with, most days. They make each other miserable, but I know better than to meddle by now. They'll get pissy with you me not being 'involved with the family' enough, but will get absolutely enraged at me for 'meddling' if you rock the boat. There's just no loving win, just try to chill and do your own thing until you can get out.

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Mirthless
Mar 27, 2011

a scattering of schizophrenic first worlders who have long ago burned their brains to ash in the radiant heat of their own imaginings



Fermented Tinal posted:

My folks fight several times a week and are both almost 60. On one hand you could say they're miserable, and there are plenty of indicators of this. Both should've abandoned ship long long ago.

On the other hand, they apparently still bone almost daily, which is great for them, but goddamn your 30yo son doesn't want to know thanks.

for some people, fighting is foreplay

basically, every time you see your parents fight, you're watching them gently caress. Avert your eyes, perv!

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