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cda
Probation
Can't post for 18 days!

Remember "HELLO THIS IS I R S"? That was me. How about "I'm calling from the Windows 10 Technical Team. Your computer has a virus. Would you like me to walk you through how to fix it, now?" Also me.

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cda
Probation
Can't post for 18 days!

People ask me if it's difficult to do so many different accents, but that's easy. The difficult part is dialing all the numbers.

Macnult


I remember one time a potential customer referred to me as a "robot". First week on the job. I was a nervous wreck, sweating to the point where I kept a fan closer to me than I did the phone. It became my trademark, I became a robot


sig created by vanisher

Macnult


these days you'll still find me with my lips pressed to the fan grate, and the phone sitting on the opposite side. only difference is I'm wearing a sweater, because when you can take the heat when making a phone call things start to get chilly


sig created by vanisher

Dads Dip Cup


one thing I have learned as a freelance refridgerator repairman actively seeking work is that people can be downright rude over the phone for no good reason, I don't envy you folks one bit

Dads Dip Cup


"I'm calling from the Windows 10 Technical Team. Your computer has a virus. Would you like me to walk you through how to fix it, now? *pause*

Haha, Windows 10 is the virus, yes, very funny sir" *hand twitches as fingers hover over the soundboard in between "foghorn fart noise" and "cats screeching in aluminum garbage can" buttons*

Hugh Malone

Corbin Bernsen eat your heart out

Dads Dip Cup posted:

one thing I have learned as a freelance refridgerator repairman actively seeking work is that people can be downright rude over the phone for no good reason, I don't envy you folks one bit

Space Taxi

I cold call people trying to get them to do my job.

So far it's worked out pretty good. I've only had to make two calls this morning myself and the guy in the next cubicle is asking me for tips.

Dads Dip Cup


Dear Sir or Madam, this is Mr. Oliver Closeoff and I respectfully request that you and/or the company you represent cease contacting bars and other establishments asking if anyone has seen me

Dads Dip Cup


ahhh, my first day on the job *puts on headset as number is dialed*

: "hello?"

me : *reading from teleprompter* "hello this is [name] from the [brand] company and I would like to"

: "huh?"

me : "....huh?"

: "name from the brand company?" *click*

me : *looking at teleprompter again* oh now I get it, I used to love these. let's see... name... brand... *scribbles on note paper*

*dialing next number*

: "hello?"

me : "hello this is BRUCE WAYNE from the 100% CRUNK JUICE company and I would like t" *click* "hello? sir, hello?"

FactsAreUseless

"Hi, Grandpa, happy birthday!"

"..."

"Grandpa?"

"... HELLO. Thank you ... TOMMY ... for your warm wishes."

Elusif


Ur ded op

cda
Probation
Can't post for 18 days!


You will never catch me, as I can impersonate many individuals, on the phone.

cda
Probation
Can't post for 18 days!

Me (talking in normal voice): Hello, I would like a Bud Light.
Guys at the bar: It's the spam guy, let's get him!
Me (indian accent): Actually, make it a Kingfisher.
Guys at the bar: ....where did he go??

nobodygetshurt


Everything changed one afternoon, when I received a call with my voice on the other line. I finally understood the invasive nature of the spam call. I am the evil I was raised to despise.


But poo poo man I got bills to pay.

Manifisto


cda posted:

Me (talking in normal voice): Hello, I would like a Bud Light.
Guys at the bar: It's the spam guy, let's get him!
Me (indian accent): Actually, make it a Kingfisher.
Guys at the bar: ....where did he go??

HotSoapyBeard

I'm a really cool nice dad
HAIKOOLIGAN
"Hello sir mr Daniel, I am a wealthy Nigerian prince."
"Go on..."
"Sir today I have an amazing opportunity for you. My cousin was recently deposed from being the vice-president of Nigeria and has left to me his entire fortune of one trillion CS:GO skins and I need to transfer them out of the country. If you give me your steam account details you can take half."
"That sounds like a deal!"

2 days later
"No, this can't be! These aren't CS:GO skins, this is half a trillion Magic:Duels cards! Nooooo!!"

Space Taxi

*I get down on one knee*

Janet, will you marry me. And also consider changing your insurance to GFE, they have the lowest deductibles in the country and the sign up process is a snap. Do you mind if this conversation is recorded for training and quality control purposes?

Space Taxi fucked around with this message at Mar 24, 2017 around 00:13

WindmillSlayer


spamming ppl irl gets me punched a lot.

Dads Dip Cup


WindmillSlayer posted:

spamming ppl irl gets me punched a lot.

"see if I ever offer YOU any convenient luncheon meat again, jerk!"

google THIS


Director: Ok, now in this scene, you're really concerned that there's something wrong with a credit card account belonging to the person you're calling, and you can't fix it without the card number. And the security code, the billing address, so on and so on, you know the drill. Anytime.

Me: (reading from script) "Hello, I'm calling in regards to your Visa account. We've noticed that..." Wait, what's my motivation here? I don't understand the character.

Director: You're a guy who wants to commit identity theft.

Me: But why? What made me this way? Childhood trauma? A woman who broke my heart? What's my backstory? What drives me?

Director: Look, you don't need a backstory, just read the drat--

Me: I can't work in these conditions. I'll be in my trailer. Come and get me when you've found some real writers.

Murray Mantoinette

THE  POSTS  MUST  FLOW
Me: Hello Mr. Whitmore, my name is David calling from Prudential Insurance about your coverage plan. May I have a few minutes of your time?

Guy: Sure...

Me: I'll just need your credit card number to verify your identity.

Guy: Ok, but-- actually I recently switched to Liberty Mutual. They've got a much lower premium and my deductible is less than half what it was with Prudential.

Me: ...really? Wow, that sounds like a pretty good deal.

Guy: Yeah, a friend of mine is an agent there and he got me some great prices with coverage that I didn't even consider when I was younger. Say, I could sign you up if you're interested. I'm meeting him later today. Just gimme your credit card number and we can get started.

Me: Yeah... yeah! That sounds good! Ok, my card number is.....

*2 hours later, during coffee break*

Me: .... ....poo poo.

cda
Probation
Can't post for 18 days!

google THIS posted:

Director: Ok, now in this scene, you're really concerned that there's something wrong with a credit card account belonging to the person you're calling, and you can't fix it without the card number. And the security code, the billing address, so on and so on, you know the drill. Anytime.

Me: (reading from script) "Hello, I'm calling in regards to your Visa account. We've noticed that..." Wait, what's my motivation here? I don't understand the character.

Director: You're a guy who wants to commit identity theft.

Me: But why? What made me this way? Childhood trauma? A woman who broke my heart? What's my backstory? What drives me?

Director: Look, you don't need a backstory, just read the drat--

Me: I can't work in these conditions. I'll be in my trailer. Come and get me when you've found some real writers.

lol

Space Taxi

Car Salesman: So, do you want to buy this here 2016 Honda Civic or the 2017 Mazda 6?

Me: Hmmm. This is a tough decision. Please hold while I talk to my supervisor.

UncleMoeLester

Midget Fiddler
So is there really a Nigerian prince who needs my money?

cda
Probation
Can't post for 18 days!

UncleMoeLester posted:

So is there really a Nigerian prince who needs my money?

No, it's me, the voice actor, who can sound like a Nigerian prince.

cda
Probation
Can't post for 18 days!

I spent over six months living with a real Nigerian prince to learn the details of how he spoke.

cda
Probation
Can't post for 18 days!

Young people come up to me all the time and ask how they can break into the spam game, but when I give them a list of the classes I took a Juilliard, all of a sudden they decide they want to do something else with their lives.

City of Glompton


I'm sorry, I'm not sure I can work with this script. What's my motivation? I'm finding it difficult to believe that I am supposed to be proactive tech support. That just doesn't ring true with my experience.



thanks vanisher!

google THIS


The "If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and dial again" lady struggles to reinvent herself. She came out with a spam album but it tanked. Now she does cougar sex hotlines just to make ends meet. She occasionally gets a break doing "Please dial #123 to activate your phone" messages, but her best days are behind her.

City of Glompton


"Your security code is four...two...zero...six...nine?"

*laughs incredulously * What? Is that for real or are you guys messing with me? I'm sorry...I'm going to need another take for this one.



thanks vanisher!

google THIS


"No son of mine is going to waste his life being a spam call voice actor!"

"I have a gift, dad! A free iPad! Just for listening to a short sales presentation!"

"...Tell me more."

Twenty Four

HAIKOOLIGAN

Dads Dip Cup posted:

ahhh, my first day on the job *puts on headset as number is dialed*

: "hello?"

me : *reading from teleprompter* "hello this is [name] from the [brand] company and I would like to"

: "huh?"

me : "....huh?"

: "name from the brand company?" *click*

me : *looking at teleprompter again* oh now I get it, I used to love these. let's see... name... brand... *scribbles on note paper*

*dialing next number*

: "hello?"

me : "hello this is BRUCE WAYNE from the 100% CRUNK JUICE company and I would like t" *click* "hello? sir, hello?"

lol good mad lib

Meeksha

i did it all for the nookie
Ask me how!
-freb dust
when i get a call from what i know to be an automated call, i always say "go gently caress yourself" because it makes me feel badass and nobody gets their feelings hurt. except one time.....i misjudged a lady's voice to be that of a robot. as soon as she said 'EXCUSE ME??' i freaked and told her that i called the wrong number and hung up. i should have apologized... i felt a little bad afterward. at the moment i didn't even think about the fact that i told her i called the wrong number, i just spazzed with my response.

looking at it from her perspective, there is NOTHING that makes sense about that cold call.

-----

come on and slam and welcome to the jam

UncleMoeLester

Midget Fiddler

cda posted:

No, it's me, the voice actor, who can sound like a Nigerian prince.

Well you have a really good prince impression
Good job my friend

google THIS


UncleMoeLester posted:

Well you have a really good prince impression
Good job my friend

his rendition of "when doves cry" is pretty spot on

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cda
Probation
Can't post for 18 days!

UncleMoeLester posted:

Well you have a really good prince impression
Good job my friend

Thank you, it's called Method Acting. It took 30 years for me to become a Nigerian prince, but it was worth it to perfect my impression of one

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