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Nyaa
Jan 7, 2010

Q.E.D.




“Beautiful.” I worded precisely from my memorized speech for good gift. “Your king is clearly a tasteful and knowledgeable person like me.”

The three dwarf smiles at my appreciation and praise of their king. Foreign relation, so easy. However, I can’t downplay myself just because his gift is more expensive. “He is a great kink who knows how to pay homage and tribute!” Their smile fades on the word ‘tribute’, but that won’t stop me from speaking the truth! “Unfortunately, there seem to be a flaw in this unfinished statue?” I stood to the side of the statue, facing them the same direction as the statue.

“…What kind of flaw?” The dwarves asked with narrowing eyes and angering tone.


Spreading my arm wide like an angel, and then slowly press my palm into praying form over the statue. I points out the very visible flaw. “It doesn’t have my face on it.”

Their eyes went wide and face reddening with bulging vent. One of them already placing their hand on that tiny little hammer like it would be threatening, but I have something to help them absorb the truth.

In the friendliest manner I can muster, “Please, enjoy and bring your generous king some of our delicacy like volka and coca cola.” Their anger lessen a little, so I continue with my final demand that I worded passively that these stupid midget would not notice. “I am sure these wonderful oddities would keep you joyous on your stay while working on reimaging this statue to my face.”

Their mouth went wide agap. “How dare you.” One of them muttered.


Your Pretorian Guard steps in like a wall of armor in between you and the dwarves. It seem to have some deterring effect on what foolish thing they are having in their half-size brain.

“Why would you want to change the face?” The dwarf that was oblivious to his mission asked.

Was I not clear? Or are they stupid? Probably the latter. I sighed before I explain… slowly. “As I said. Your king knows this gift is worthy of my position. It is a gift to me, a faulty product that I generously accept with kind heart.” I press both my hands to my chest to mimic the Saint Maria-something sorrow pose. “All I ask was for you to fix the flaw. I am the victim here. Do you know how SAD I feel?”

“Ohhh I am sor-ouufff“ The oblivious dwarf got interrupted by a kidney punch.

“This is foolish! Our king would have our head for defacing his statue!” The kidney puncher dwarf complained. “This is insulting to us and we refuse!”


A) YOU ARE FIRE!
B) Compromise
C) JAIL THEM
D) Fine, but go do your job!
E) I am just testing you!
F) Write-in

Nyaa fucked around with this message at Feb 7, 2018 around 23:59

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AJ_Impy
Jun 17, 2007



Toilet Rascal

F

SniperWoreConverse
Mar 20, 2010


hahaha

E we need to know how loyal and how willing to fight (then secretly arrange the oblivious one to get some small personal gift, begin picking their loyalty apart a little)

Blasphemaster
Jul 10, 2008



F. Ignore them and start making kissy faces at a mirror.

CourValant
Feb 25, 2016

Do You Remember Love?

Nyaa posted:

B) Compromise

"We are the BEST negotiator, the GREATEST negotiator, so we will NEGOTIATE the BEST compromise! The GREATEST compromise!!

You Dorfs, you will re-carve the statue in my image. As you said, the statue is made to look like your king. Well, I AM YOUR KING NOW!!!

So, there will be no conflicts of loyalty! You may show your gratitude in how I compromised you the GREATEST, BEST SOLUTION!!!"

Nyaa
Jan 7, 2010

Q.E.D.



These midget idiots! I am tired of them! They are so stupid! They can’t comprehend the most important part and crying like a bunch of baby! Now I am mad!


“Oh you poor baby!” Kissy kissy face. “Do you want more candy?”

WHAT DID YOU JUST SAID!?


“Ok, seriously.” Extreme serious face. “This all a test for your loyalty.”

Huh?


“AND YOU ALL GET A BIG FAT F!”


Except you, boy, you get a passing C.

Aww thanks.


“You see, I am the BEST negotiator, in fact the GREATEST negotiate in this world and previous world, actually ALL WORLD!”

: I DON’T GIVE A FLY-TRAP ON YOUR STUPID MOUNTAIN OF EGO AND PIG-BORN MUDDED-


“Shhhh…. Shhhhh”




“You dorfs! Do you not see the great compromise that is happening here between me and your king?”

: … Huh?


“Why do you think YOUR KING give that statue to ME?”

: …. To show off?


“Oh for Christ’s sake, these loving idoits.”

: Did you say something about us?


“Listen, the Statue. It is made to look like your king, well, I am your King now!”

: …
: We are?
: *kidney punch* No you idiot!
: Ow!


“Of course I am!” Points to the statue. “This statue represent your King, yes?”

: … Yes?


“He have YOU THREE delivers this symbolic meaning of KING, and GIFT the KING, to ME! You three are part of the GIFT PACKAGE! Can your mind make the goddamn connections?”

: O-oh my god!
: Wai-wait-wait-wait! This doesn’t-


“Oh, you poor baby!” Kissy kissy face. “Did ya brain hurt? Want papa to give you a gugu gaga?”

: HEY! STOP THAT!


“I am your king, BOY. Now carve that drat statue!”

: I-I DON’T BELIEVE IT!
: It kind of make sense to m- Oufff-



Babies. All of them! What a bunch of children! Do I have to keep babysitting them or are they going to grow up!?
A) Be patient as a parenting KING figure. These people lack educations.
B) Give up on these defacted babies. Even Jesus can't saves them.
C) Write-in

Nyaa fucked around with this message at Feb 10, 2018 around 00:06

CourValant
Feb 25, 2016

Do You Remember Love?

Nyaa posted:

A) Be patient as a parenting KING figure. These people lack educations.

Also, offer them a gugu gaga??!

Nyaa
Jan 7, 2010

Q.E.D.



CourValant posted:

Also, offer them a gugu gaga??!
That's... Very generous of you.

AJ_Impy
Jun 17, 2007



Toilet Rascal

C.

SniperWoreConverse
Mar 20, 2010


still an underrated thread imio

A

Volmarias
Dec 31, 2002


C tell them that obviously they couldn't have sent a statue with our face on it because their sculptor would have nothing to reference, so they used the closest thing they had.

CourValant
Feb 25, 2016

Do You Remember Love?

Volmarias posted:

C tell them that obviously they couldn't have sent a statue with our face on it because their sculptor would have nothing to reference, so they used the closest thing they had.

Genius.

Nyaa
Jan 7, 2010

Q.E.D.




I only putting this up because I want the absolute best craftsmanship on my magnificent face! These dwarves should be HONORED to be able to curve my face into diamond! Screw persuasion, they will do anything with a proper reason.


"Oh, we are getting too heated over this. Let’s all calm down with some cake and continues this discussion like gentlemen. It won’t look good in front of the lady." I pointed at the peeking ‘bed consort’ who arrived a couple days before and the main cause of my lack of sleep for a while. High class, extremely obedient, and dumb. Just how I like it.

: Hmph! It wouldn’t change a thing. *grumple*
: There, there, let’s sit down so we can all enjoy those cake.
: Anything for cake.


These cake have double the sugar that will go straight into the dwarves small body and make them high as heaven. I already win the game when you lost to your glutton greed.


“I understand your feelings and loyalty to the king. However, it is true that your King really indicates what I said.” I explained while carefully monitoring each of their cake stuffed face. Good, they are too stuffed to make a long and loud rejection.

: I am glad you understood our position, but how do you arrive at this conclusion?


“It’s simple. Your king never seen my face, and you three hardly seen mine for more than few dozen minutes. If he ask you to commission a statue of me with my face, do you think you can carve it perfectly from memory?”

: … He got a point. *looks at other dwarves*
: I still don’t see how he arrives at that conclusion either. *stares at Trump with suspicious eyes*
: But what if he’s correct. *asking other dwarves*


“I understand your doubt, but I am a businessman and ruler of the city. I SHOULDN’T be wasting time debating and proving FACTS for a gift.”

The dwarves now eyes each other, slowly being convinces that perhaps this golden haired nice human in front of them are actually telling the truth and they have been very disrespectful.


“Thankfully, I am a great compromiser. The BEST decision maker that can solves all war of the land if I bothers. So I shall offers you a middle road: Two of you stay and carve my face while the third of you go back and ask the king about how right I absolutely am.”

They stares at each other more, and after a moment. Their main man say “Fine, we accepts.”


“Good.”

These dumbasses are going to finish making a diamond face of me! Should I do anything more?
A) No, the third dwarf will be too late by the time he come back and I will store the statue in bullet-proof case on exhibit.
B) Yes, I will kidnap the dwarf and blame it on monster.
C) B, in fact, I will hire a dwarf to make a fake report ordering these two dwarves to serve me forever!
D) Write-in

Volmarias
Dec 31, 2002


C, except Chief does this because Trump actually BELIEVES it.

AJ_Impy
Jun 17, 2007



Toilet Rascal

D

SniperWoreConverse
Mar 20, 2010


CD Prindt out the "official" orders with our deskjet they will never know the difference because of our perfect printer technology, they still have to write on cow hides with pens and they don't even have sharpies. Also store the statue behind bullet proof glass. Then print up a bunch of flyers to give to hobbits advertising the opportuinities available in Trump City in almost any job you can imagine and even jobs you can't

Blasphemaster
Jul 10, 2008



Nyaa you truly are a forums treasure.

D as described in the update, but we send a message to DwarfKing challenging him to an official gift-off. First one to give a disappointing gift loses and has to do a [write in thing or Nyaa's choice].

Blasphemaster fucked around with this message at Feb 17, 2018 around 21:56

CourValant
Feb 25, 2016

Do You Remember Love?

SniperWoreConverse posted:

CD Prindt out the "official" orders with our deskjet they will never know the difference because of our perfect printer technology, they still have to write on cow hides with pens and they don't even have sharpies. Also store the statue behind bullet proof glass. Then print up a bunch of flyers to give to hobbits advertising the opportuinities available in Trump City in almost any job you can imagine and even jobs you can't

Blasphemaster posted:

Nyaa you truly are a forums treasure.

D as described in the update, but we send a message to DwarfKing challenging him to an official gift-off. First one to give a disappointing gift loses and has to do a [write in thing or Nyaa's choice].

Both of these.

And yes, Nyaa, you are indeed a forums treasure.

SniperWoreConverse
Mar 20, 2010


To reward the dwarfs who are willing to work on the statue give them a lot of trump liquor before they even start. They're dumb but got some kinda good qualities to them. What could go wrong?

CourValant
Feb 25, 2016

Do You Remember Love?

SniperWoreConverse posted:

What could go wrong?

Yep, drunken diamond cutting, what could possibly go wrong??

SniperWoreConverse
Mar 20, 2010


Personally, I think nothing could go wrong.

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Blasphemaster
Jul 10, 2008



Isolate the most dissenting dwarf and offer to help him userp the throne for shits, giggles, and a 12 pack of Zima Gold.

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