If only I have those stealth plane that is invisible even on broad daylight… Or maybe I do because I can’t see it? Bah, no one can drive the drat thing anyway. Not gonna risk an idiot crushing MY billion dollar military jet with the latest technology. It’s best for no one to touch it and be on display.
Thinking this much already drained most of my brain juice for the day. That means it is time to make it other people’s business. “Hey, jelly, send your jelly scout to survey out a map that I can use for that golden emperor that lost his coo coo.”
The yellow-ish jelly turns around to reply. “Mr. President, we do not have the population nor enough time to survey an unknown underground empire that possibly stretch across the continent.”
“Fine. Hire MORE people to do it.” I provided the obvious answer that money can solve.
The jelly shakes its head slightly, but more like wobbling, and it’s quite satisfying to watch as it deny my amazing solution. “The dwarf king will notice the large scale even if none of the merc will spoils it.”
“Hey! Don’t shot down my ideas!” I point a finger at the blur jello face and decides to poke at it. Very satisfying. Reminded me of the Russian. “Do YOU have a better idea?” I challenge at the jelly for brain. Do they have brain? Magic brain? Brain make of water, right? poo poo, why do I care?
The jelly stood still without shaking its head this time because it is unsure of how to reactive with my finger still pressed on its face. What a power move I have invented on the spot!
“Mr. President.” It begins slowly. “Aren’t the dwarf king our best ally? The orc may be strong, but the dwarven kingdom have a better strategic advantage.”
Its calming voice feels like the nice surface of its soft face, which I already rubbing around with my finger like it is seeking its nose hole to poke into it. Ahh… If only my childhood have this kind of toy.
“It there something wrong with my appearance, Mr. President?” It asked with a hint of curiousness. Just like a dog. A dog that can talk and call me President.
“No, nothing is wrong. I am considering your words.” I replied and then spent the next ten minutes playing with its face before answering. “You are right, the dwarf king-what his name and me are best bud. Let snitch on the emperor and make him a fake map that will double, no, triple screw him.” My voice gained a sort of distain at the end as memories of the phone call and toe-sucking surfaces. Screw that guy.
“Very good, Mr. President. I will inform of the king of your excellent decision.” It wanted to move, but I decides to play with its face for another five minutes – As a power move – before releasing it back to the wild. “Oh, one more thing, Mr. President. What should we do with your clone that have fall asleep at the comfortable chair on the caster wall?”
That sure have ruined my mood. “Bah, put it back into the dungeon and call him a socialist. That should rile him up.”
The is a mere pause as if it wants to say something, but the jelly didn’t and leave with a nod.
Good… Did I have breakfast yet?
The green jelly came. The social… Diplomat guy, yes, the what-the-word, the opposite of military… Goddamn. That’s what happen when I burned all my brain juice so early in the afternoon while having a good lunch. I was a fool for deciding to be efficient and have more talk while I eat.
“Thank you for sparing your valuable time for this time of emergency and turmoil, Mr. President.” The green jelly spoke truthfully. I like this guy. He know how to speak like a diplomat. Uses a lot of big words too. “Have you make a decision in regards to our potential involvement in the Fairy-Golem war?”
I thought of reaching out my arm to touch his jelly face, but he stood far across the table, and food need to go into my mouth. Sad. I answer sadly. “We will ignore them.”
The green jelly nods understandingly. “It’s shame we can’t help and dealt with your kind, but that is a wise decision, Mr. President.”
I nod. Not really listening as bacons sooth my sorrow.
The red Jelly come as I am on my second lunch. The military guy. I bet he is soft on the outside, but very hardcore on the inside.
“Is this regarding the Lizards, Mr. President?” He asked straightforwardly and to the point like a no-bs veteran that have seen nine wars and mission accomplished all of them.
I nods, still soothing from the bacons, now with butters to ease the way. “Put spies on everyone and everywhere. If you find the lizards’ leader, off with em’.” I motion my hand with the table knife to cut a steak to make a point. It took me a while to slice it clean. The chef is getting a demotion for this!
“I shall work something out with the hobbits.” He made some gesture and then leave the room without much fanfare like a man of military who focus on getting the job done. Ahh, I am blessed with competent people for once. “Except the chef.” I mumbled as the butter prevent the ball of bacons from clogging my throat like last time. No regret on swallowing it whole. The proper way to experience bacon at its finest.
|# ? Dec 24, 2018 17:05|
|# ? Mar 22, 2019 22:28|
Trump pays a wizard to make him able to unhinge his jaw and eat a cheeseburger in one mouthful.
(USER WAS PUT ON PROBATION FOR THIS POST)
|# ? Dec 24, 2018 19:32|
soon he'll just be able to do that naturally
practice makes perfect
|# ? Dec 24, 2018 22:03|
Jelly, we have a big problem.
What is it, sir? Another invasion?
No, something worst. More worst, worster, worstest than worst!
What is it that can be worse than invasion!?
It’s been MONTHS since I tweeted!
Yes, the thing I talk to everyone in 30 words or less!
Ahh, the public speech? The citizen would surely loves to hear speeches from you at a regular basis.
What!? For free!? Who do you think I am? Obama?
Listen, I only want to post my excellent comment. Do you know what ‘post’ is? It’s like you stick a paper and people read it, but 30 words or less!
A… Public Notice?
Yes! To notice me and whatever important things I post!
I see… We can schedule a daily postage of your message in the morning.
Whoa, hold it right there you dumbass! This is not a JOB, it’s personal entertainment! I post whenever I like at RANDOM time.NO MODERATION or ANY MULTIPLE POST RULE or-or WORD LiMIT gonna stop me from posting! Heck, I will EMPTY QUOTE whatever I like! This will be the new way I am going to update my people from now on! Like a twenty first century people!
I-I don’t think this is a good idea, sir. (Even though I only understood half of it)
Jelly, this is NEW and INNOVATIVE! It may sounds Experimental *air quote*, but it will be REVOLUTIONAL! You will love it! Everyone will love it! *Pat Jelly shoulder*
All this is then forgotten because this is the so-called… Shitpost? Back to actual update.
Everything is going according to MY plan. The dwarf king is so happy with my masterful fake map idea, and we will destroys the orcs armies in no time when they are lure into all those underground traps. I hardly need to do a thing beside gloriously taking photo in front of the American flag for the occation. My plan is too perfect to need further supervision; it’s so perfect that my red jelly advisor read it from my face before trying to claim the idea to his own. Stupid jelly.
“The Commie shall fall.” I mutter to myself at my desk with a wide grin. Always wanted to say that. More so in front of the American flag.
The deliveries of the fake dwarven kingdom map was delayed due to the lack of long distance communication of the modern world. Instead, we uses pigeon like a caveman. That bird of course, got shot down immediately or eaten by an eagle WE released. All to stall for the dwarf to prepare the massive intercontinental network of traps in strate-streatagic locations. Of course, after a few scrutiny complain by Xie for my ‘security stupidity’ that I merely pretended to be, my jelly advisor then hire incompetent human delivery merc group to get themselves killed by monster or assassin. In the end, Xie sends an orc to run all the way over here and back. There are at least two goddamn mountain to cross over here in a straight line! Those drat monster crossing my border like they own the place! They don’t even have citizenship in my land!
But I am a patient man and will tolerate this for the sake of the perfect plan. Red Jelly advices we don’t pull anymore delaying tactics on the orc in case they figured it out, which is a pain for me because it was getting fun to mess with that yellow robed emperor.
The situation at the Fairy-Golem war have escalated to its final phase. Rumor suggests that Kim Ka-something, was captured by aussis body builder guy with a ridiculous name that can’t be pronounce properly with human tongue. The stalemate that keep the global peace for so long will surely broke into an all out war if the fairy and maybe wood elves faction’ elimination. Then again, Xie have made the first move contesting it claim of Trumpland with the ‘neutral’ human nation.
The Epic Spy Program™
- Our reliable source from the hobbits can only provide regular information and nothing internal or secret.
- Our Semi-reliable and limited source are the jelly assassin we planted into each nation. Nothing have been heard from them since, which means they are doing their job of being quiet.
- Our unreliable source of sending random thieves mercenary who claim to be great has not returned either due to death or scam. This problem was ceased when a dumbasses came back to lie about seeing human in fire lizard land and asks for more money. drat scammer! No one comes back alive from lizard land.
The deployment of jellies to various task have slowed their magical training in whatever wet voodoo they are doing in the forest at midnight. Their population reminds low and at best duplicates themselves yearly. There might be no more jelly if they all die. I would miss fondling them if they are all gone.
The exploration of the southern island seem to be comepleted, but the heroes didn’t came back for week(s). Where did they go? Not that I care since they cleared up the beach and island of those one legged monsters, which is more capable than the usual merc (and cheaper, those suckers). However, development is on halt until someone know how to get rid of the sharks and sea monsters that have eaten half of the construction workers. Can’t have my future client getting eaten, that’s bad for business.
“I proposes enquiring the local aquatic sentient being to deal with this… If there is one. ”
“Throw enough firepower at the sea and bad things will die eventually.”
“A magical ritual might solve the problem. It is an intentioned effect, so result may vary. It is lamenting that we aren’t magically competent enough to guarantee a desirable result yet.”
Which solution should I go for my future beach resort… Oh, and sea trade port.
A) Ask fish for help
B) Bomb the poo poo out of the sea.
C) Magic the problem away.
D) Holy poo poo, why are all the options so terrible!? Do nothing.
E) Do them all. Greatly delay expansion progress.
Next time: Did the perfect plan work?
|# ? Jan 24, 2019 23:10|
A) would be a good addition for the navy as well. Two fish with one coral
|# ? Jan 25, 2019 00:13|
build a sea wall
|# ? Jan 25, 2019 02:23|
F. Launch a relentless series of lawsuits against the sea monsters.
|# ? Jan 28, 2019 04:41|
The Greatest Emperor as President Xie now referring to himself, have achieved peak ego self-esteem among his raiding troops of elite orc venturing insides the dwarven tunnels. Their guards may be well equipped, but raw number of well discipline orcs with second to best armor will overcome their meager struggle.
“The enemy have inva-Gahhhh!” A shouting dwarf was cut short(er) by an orc who cleave his long blade straight across the dwarf body 1/3 his size. Now 1/6 in two.
At least a few dozen dwarf are met with this fate under this surprised attack by the orc in the tunnel. None are prepared to stop the four orc formation line of forward mowing inside the tunnel. A few traps and explosion may have taken out a few orc in the process, but each would take out at least three trap or dwarf before going down. A winning game of raw number.
The Greatest Emperor smiles with contempt at how well the assault is progressing within several underground secret tunnel of the dwarf. He may be surprised at how close their secret tunnel are inside his desert land and various spot of other kingdom of the world, but thanks to the wonderful tool that is Trump, he have gained the advantage of surprise at his side! Guan Yu, the Patron Deity of War clearly blesses him in this very night.
Soon, several of his orc armies will converge into the bigger chamber of the dwarven hall, and from there, charge straight towards their capital to take down the king! Those fool’s wondrous underground system have backfired on themselves the moment he trusted the slimiest man alive! The Greatest Emperor can’t help but laugh at this absurd gift from heaven. Once he taken over this worldwide networks of tunnels, he can selectively send out his powerful orcs to overwhelm any nation at varies secret entrances. No one will see it coming if he act fast enough, and the war will end before long!
The screaming and shock of more fallen dwarf are lessening as they the orc venture deeper. It would be laughable if they haven’t figured out the invasion with all the scream and synchronized marching noise! But so what? What can those midgets down besides becoming garden gnome fixture? Nothing! They are nothing under the powerful and disciplined assault of the Greatest Orc army of the world! HIS ARMY!
Despite being underground, the tunnels are all well-lit and stable structured. Those dwarf are certain good at artistry and too dumb for war! They should-yes, they should serve him, the Greatest Emperor! Their skill will be uses to build his tomb, his greatest monument that surpassed the scale of the First Emperor of China! It will have that hundreds of stone statues of soldier, but it will be thousands and are his orcs! People will find it someday and be in awe of the one true ruler of the world! Whatever the world is named, he will call it… Xie World? Emperor World? New China? No, this delicate matter needs time to comb over later.
After what feels like an hour or more, the Greatest Emepror’s army meets up at the converging point. Two units of 2000 orcs already waiting there for the final assault. Lots of dead dwarf scatter the bloody ground and scooped away to the side like trash. The marching noise of few other units are approaching to merge back into his full strength of eighty orcs formation.
The waiting and suspense is tense. There is no doubt the dwarf would launch a counter attack right in this special chamber that lead straight to the capital. The map haven’t been wrong so far, and even if this is a trap-
“ROCK FALL!” An Orc shouted at the collapsing ceiling of rock crushing down at the Greatest Emperor’s army. Even the most discipline orc can’t help by scream in pain from a giant boulder size ceiling coming down at maximum velocity.
Dwarf came out of various hiding spot cheers in victory at the mountain pile of ceiling rocks over what used to be the orc army.
“We did it!”
“That will teach them to attack our home!”
“Three barrel of beer tonight!”
The main force of the dwarf arrived from the capital tunnel. An aged commander with really long white beard and scarred face leading the troops. The cheers only grew louder as their army fills the room.
“What a disappointment.” The commander shrugged at with disapproving look. “The king overestimated the competency of this army.” He turns around to face his army. “Let’s go home and celebrate, there’s no need for us to come after all.”
Laughing and chatting in high mood, the majority of dwarf left with only a few dozen to clean up the rocks and orc bodies. Most of these ceiling boulders are at least 5 tons in weight. More than enough to paste an orc or even a large tree. In fact, the boulders are so large, the dwarves have to break them off with pickaxe.
When the surface boulders are cleared to reveal blood and gore – to the distaste of the workers, many boulders started to roll off from the piles.
“Who caused a landslide!” One of the dwarf with years of experience shouted. This rock at this weight doesn’t start rolling down the hill unless some idiot dig at the wrong spot to cause the chain reaction of rockfall.
“I didn-“ A dwarf hardly can finish his denial before a rolling boulder crash him off into the wall.
Swearing heavily or screaming in fear, the dwarf workings races down the hill to avoid the boulders. Only half of the crew made it.
The experience dwarf shakes with anger at the crew, “whoever caused all these unnecessary deaths is going to pay for this!” He survey through the remaining crew and demands, “Who done it!?”
The look of shock and horror of the team are speechless. It is too soon for them to recover from the accident, but an experience dwarf would have gotten himself or herself together. In fact, one of his old experience buddy raised a finger and points at him with a shocked expression.
“ME!?” The accused dwarf is stuns by the betrayal of his longtime friend! He of all people is accusing him of causing the accident!?
“N-no… Behind you!” The dwarf pointing at him managed to muttered.
Turning around, the experienced dwarf grew his own expression of horrors as bloodstained orcs begin pouring out of the blood and gore paste while some pushes more boulders off the piles.
The dwarf crew fear and revulsion grew to the point of losing strength in their legs as they watches more and more orc crawling out of the piles like ants crawling out of their anthill. Yet, all of them only move back into formation and waits for others to join in. Finally, the almost full armies of the orcs came out unscathed with a the final team of elite breaking the bottom border out like a door to escort the Greatest Emperor out casually with a stroll.
There’s no injury or blood on the golden robe Emperor Xie, his subtle smiles with hands folded wisely as he walks out of the hole to resume his ‘orc chair’ high above his army.
“Im-impossible! Those boulders are at least FIVE TONES!” A dwarf shouted in disbeliefs at the minimal losses of the orc army. In fact, it looks like they only lost a row worth of hundred or so orc?
A head nod from a pitied smile from the Emperor was graciously gave to the scared dwarf. He explains, “You midgets underestimated me… And the power that I wield.”
Three of the dwarf went wide-eyed at the implication. “The power of the candidate!” One shouted with fear converting into anger.
The Greatest Emperor grins with another nod. “Ahh, finally a smart one in your race.” He praised. “Can you guess what my power is?”
The smart dwarf shaken in fears again. There’s a few possibilities, but all come into one conclusion. “You and most of your army can’t die.”
“Good.” The Greatest Emperor praised again. “I will behead you last.”
With that, the front rows of orc walks up to them and gave them all but one a mercy kill. Their marching continues onward towards the dwarven capital with minimal casualty by further death traps.
To be continue
At another time near the southern beach
“It’s beautiful.” I praised at the view of my future seaport and vacation home. The clear see-through water, lack of land monster, and uncapitalized nature ripe for the picking.
“Mr. President,” Green jelly slided in front of me to reports his findings. “After teaching and sending several groups of mercenary to dive into the sea to seek out any local aquatic sentient being, and killing off any hostile sea creature in the process.” Green Jelly flipping his note, “We saved a lots of salary paid.”
“Good.” I nodded approvingly. Those dumb adventurers will do anything for money. Give them a reason with promise of wealth, and they will die for you. “Now what about the ‘actual’ team that is looking for the aqatic, water fish-smart one found out?”
The Green Jelly shakes its head. “Our magical detection team did not found any sentient sea creatures. Most likely the reason that hostile sea creature inhibit here in the first place.”
For some reason, I don’t feel disappointed by the news. It just mean I don’t need to deal with local native like our founding father have to for their pretend-thanksgiving.
Red Jelly slides into view with its own report. “Bad news, Mr. President.” He holds up a notepad too, but it’s blank and he only did it because I told him it looks professional. He continues, “After the extinction of the local bird monsters by the heroes, the fish population grew, which includes the hostile kind.”
I nods, affirming my suspicion. The heroes’ claim are twisted fake news, and there is more to this place than we thought. “Send in more mercs to deal with the sea monsters.”
The Green Jelly shakes its wobbling head. “The other mercenary wised up and refused the job. There won’t be any progress until someone competent arrives.” He flips his notepad too to display professionalism before continuing. “The sea monster are breeding faster than we can kill them too.”
Red Jelly step in to make a suggestion. “How about poison?”
I slap the Red Jelly in the face to causing it wobbles a bit. Always wanted to do that, and the jellies doesn’t really mind it. Sometime I am grateful for having such a good crew working for me. Sometime.
“This is my vacation home and seaport!” I lectured the Red Jelly sternly with a finger pointing into its jelly flash. It’s very comfortable, but I don’t let it show. “Think about the land value if you poison it!”
“We can clean up the poison afterward.” The Green Jelly suggested.
I backhand the Green Jelly’s face to make another entertaining wobbles. “I am not risking my property to poison.”
“Then what should we do, Mr. President?” The Green Jelly asked without any hint of anger or disapproval.
“Simple.” I said it matter-of-factly. “Just build a wall to wall out the hostile illegal fishes.”
“… Underwater, sir?” The Red Jelly asked, but gotten slapped again.
“Call me Mr. President.” I reminded him.
“Mr. President.” The Red Jelly repeated.
The dumb red jelly at least remember to flip another page on the blank notepad before asking again. “How would we build a wall underwater, Mr. President?”
I sighed with obvious disapproval at the stupid question. This is why you don’t let the military guy advices you.
“Listen, I will only explain this once…”
A) The dwarf will pay for it and build it for me.
B) The mage guild will magic it for me. They might or might not have to pay for it.
C) You jelly will build it for me since you don’t need to breath and is jelly. You will do it for free because you work for me.
D) Actually, I have a better plan… [Write-in]
|# ? Jan 30, 2019 21:16|
Xie hosed himself with a power like that. Turbo hosed. Someone's gonna put him in that tomb with his army with no way out.
|# ? Jan 30, 2019 21:42|
Xie hosed himself with a power like that. Turbo hosed. Someone's gonna put him in that tomb with his army with no way out.
That was the dwarves plan, though, and it didn't seem to work.
|# ? Feb 1, 2019 04:23|
“… Heart Rate increasing from dormant state.”
The air smell like an overly soaked bleach chicken that let out to dry for days.
The room is so dark. So very dark.
“ We can’t...”
Some people mumble and rumbling…
“.. add more… pamine!”
I am rolling~ and chilling~
“Si… nue… ease.”
Oh glory of my country~
My money in gold and whore~
“Simple.” I smiles brightly like the sun. The warm and happy sun. The wonderful sun with a wonderful solution. “Whichever is the fastest option to build my wall.”
“That would be magic with the mage guild.” The green jelly answered and adds, “At a reasonable price over the next few months.”
“Few MONTHS!?” I am not happy with few weeks, and it gonna take MONTHS!? Not happy at all and my round shaped mouth should be all the indication of my displeasure! So I slap the green jelly to feel a bit better about it. “I want it fast.”
“Their wall raising spell would do the trick after casting it maybe three thousands time.” The red jelly explained. “We could speed it up by combining other wall building options, extra contracts with global hobbits networks, and expensive magical teleportations.”
I make my demand with my tongue raising up with the tip pointing down like a snake staring. “How muh fastur?”
“At best… one to two months?” He guesstimated.
I slap the red jelly. “Make it three weeks.”
“That’s impossible!” Green jelly complainted.
I slap the red jelly again because I am too lazy to turn around. “Fine, four weeks, final offer.”
“… I suppose we can have everyone drop EVERYTHING to focus on this.” The red jelly offered.
“B-but!” The green jelly tries to argue and I raised my palm to slaps again as a warning. “If we go that far for this wall, we would really need to start worrying about our treasury and SHUT DOWN THE GOVERMENT to build this wall!
I am a man of my word - I slap the red jelly again. “Get the wall build at all cost or else I will do it myself by declaring a national emergency to draft everyone to build it.”
The unpaved road makes the car ride quite bumpy. "Build a road, dammit." They jelly seems to nodding, but the car shakes is making those jelly’s wiggling head like those fun hawiiyi toy thing you put in the car to shake. It’s quite mesmerizing, it makes you feel like you are in hawhyi and I am going to turn that beach into one.
“Are those wizard done with their Headquarter now?” I asked after remembering it in the middle of the return trip.
“It is near completion, Mr. President.” The green jelly replied.
“Good, that means the best negotiator will be needed for the task.” I said to them as I points to myself just in case they missed the cue.
WIZARD GUILD – Improvised meeting room
A middle aged, clean shaved, and half-balding guild master sits in front of me on the Negotiating Chair. A Negotiating improvised table are lay between us in the 90% constructed Wizard house. I insist on this meeting format because this is the real way a professional handles business. Not in some sort disco room with color and stuff like an afterwork drinking party. I host party all the time in my home.
“Mr. President, are you sure we should discuss such matters so opening?” The supposedly manager wizard of this guide questioned foolishly at my decision. Sure, the building’s wall still have lots of holes to patch, so what? The people would LOVES to eavesdrop on my plan to build the wall!
I understands these wizard lives in a dark room their whole life, so I will tolerate their unprofessional idea about how to have a REAL meeting. “I am sure.” I said in a smooth, calm, professional tone that imply strongly that I will not say it again. It’s like talking to a baby that keep asking the same question! Jesus!
“Then we wi-“ The middle aged, clean shaved, and half-balding man was interrupted by my palm telling him to stop.
“More importantly,” I begins, “Why do you look like that?”
“Look… Like what?” The guild master asked in puzzlement.
I sighed heavily, but raised my sternest face to explain softly to this impeccable. “I have watched Harry Potter and the Rings. I know what a REAL wizard looks like!” I poke my finger at the man’s balding part. “Unshaven-Long beard, white LONG hair, and OLD age! You fail at all of that!”
“I-I don’t understand!” The guild master voicing his fear to me. Yes, this man can feel from his bald spot that he is getting fire soon.
I pull my finger away from that oily skin, give myself three seconds to wipe that stain off and feel pure again, then I continues my business lesson. “You are the FACE of the company! You suppose to look QUALIFY! Like you are THE WISEST, THE GREATEST, THE OLDEST Wizard in the world!”
The guild master is awe in shock at my business acumen. His face flashed with various expression, like the angry look that clearly is for himself being so, so stupid. Public image is EVERYTHING!
The green jelly slides over. “Pardon me.” And bend down to whisper something to the guild master.” Whatever it said to him, this guild master clearly calmed down.
“I will keep that in mind.” The guild master said diplomatically. Good.
“I expect results next time.” I warne-
SHAZAM! Just like that, I was bezzled by sudden spark and rainbow and smoke from the wizard. When the fog is clear, a wise long beard old as poo poo ganduff sitting in front of me.
“What do you think, Mister… President?” The voice of the guild master said to me from the old wise griffidoff headmaster in front of me.
I nods my head. “Good.” He get to keep his job.
Wealth dropped into level that requires management. Initial assessment to be Ten Billion dollar left over plus or minus a zero. It takes time for Jelly to convert wealth to dollar value.
Another month or so passed in peace and business-like. This month’s report better have some good news!
The fire lizardman is still staying home and no one is making a move in their volcano home. Too bad.
Those elf would have burned well if they go to lizard land. Not like they have time to care about invasion in their trees now that their alliance is gone.
Kim Kadashi-sion-sun, bah, the leader of the fairy, is dead. No one decided to saves the princess, or at least they failed. She and the fairy is off the competition, which mean the whole world need to be ready for…
Being the Terminator’s next target. He probably celebrating in his fancy little chrome suit now that his mortal enemy (for whatever reason) is dead. The Wood Elf are probably next considering their affiliation with Kim, and they know it will be as they all ran their rear end back into the forest to hide. Stupid elf, pretty face aren’t everything in this cruel, cruel, world.
The neutral factions like human and hobbits has worked their rear end off to build my wall.
Surprisingly, they actually pulled it off. Beautiful, beautiful underwater wall. A great tourist attraction for my grand resort that will make it all worth it when the sea port is done. I will make a profit back, I promise. In fact, I would ask the dwarf king to play golf with me. Yes, of course there is a golf field there!
“Dwarf? Mr. President, what is dwarf?”
“… Did something fall on your head this morning and when you are a baby?”
“Mr. President, this is the first I heard of this faction. What are they?”
*Stares suspiciously* “Are you two pranking me? My best midget buds with shitload of beard.”
*Look at each other confused*
“You mean the hobbits?”
“No, chief, those midget that lives underground!” *Point finger down*
“I won’t call the burrow of midget’s home as underground…”
“GOD DAMMIT! Gimme a pencil!”
“THIS! GO OUT AND ASK ANYONE WITH A LONGER MEMORY THAN YOUR JELLY BRAIN!”
A few days later that felt almost like an instant...
Jesus. The dwarf are really gone. Puff, bing, dong, all gone! No one remembers them. People thought their home is from some old civilization and the hobbits are giving ME money for finding it and percentage of whatever they loot!
Wealth restored to level where it is unnecessary to manage
My god. What happened to them? What about Xie!?
The orc’s land is still occup-
The orc’s land is still occupied, but with much less army to guard the whole place after their ‘Golden Emperor’ decided to bring his army to loot the underground dwarf home… Is what the hobbit gathered. No one have seen them since, but it’s only been a few weeks, so it’s too soon to be sure.
Goddammit! I conned that fool into the hole and now the dwarf went poof on me and an angry Chinese man might come back for my hide! What the hell!? This is giving me a massive headache!
|# ? Feb 19, 2019 01:03|
Holy crap that looked time consuming to put together.
Sacrifice the least agreeable non-citizen resident daily to the Dread God Arengee for divinations on best results to determine Right Action.
|# ? Feb 19, 2019 05:23|
dang I wonder if Bernie was the dwarf leader. Might be lizard or maybe co-leader with the pope for humans.
Oh well, personally develop a new delicacy to increase migration attraction. The Covfefe & Hamberder is a classic combo.
Also send more scouts to all factions even dead factions.
Also build advanced road network for all territories this rocky road bullshit is a kind of ice cream not something a civilized wealthy nation has to deal with.
|# ? Feb 19, 2019 13:41|
The Greatest Immortal Emperor of All Mankind Forever to Eternity, the best and the last one humanity ever need, is now treading carefully in the underground tunnels and hallways filled with traps and dwarf.
His army of twenty-thousand Orcs – the most profession and greatest force of the world, is now probing the ceiling and ground with spear for ceiling trap and traphole. Traveling have been slowed to a crawl, but casualties are almost zero, not that it matters, but it would pisses Emperor Xi off if his lines of solider have odds numbers that isn’t symmetrical. That is not perfection.
On the occasion that those dwarf outsmarted the Emperor and trapped him in a pile of rocks again, the orcs have pickaxe taken from the dwarf to break out of it way faster than the first time. Nothing can stop this invincible army on its way to the capital of the dwarven kingdom.
Indeed, a grand siege is ready to commence at their underground castle where the dwarf king lives, and indeed, their true leader stood atop the castle wall with the dwarf king surrounded by numberous amount of dwarf soldier that is impossible to count. Their must have some sort of protection to be standing out in the open.
“Bernie Sander.” The emperor greeting the man atop. His casual demeanor of addressing the enemy leader is unnatural to others who are dreading for the incoming fight of life and death. Of course, the relaxing emperor can’t die, so why should be afraid?
“Chairman Xi.” Bernie greeted back brashly.
There is a brief change on Emperor Xi’s expression, but quickly changed back to the neutral smiling expression like a Buddha in good mood. “Address me as Emperor Xi.”
Not one to mince words, Bernie replys, “No.”
The smile didn’t left the emperor stone cold expression. Undeniably, his face is frozen to prevent the boiling ugliness from contorting his face into the god of war. No, there’s no need to be so because he will most certainly win. So it’s back to the usual backthrowing political insult as usual and a promise to make his death – slow and painful.
“I didn’t expect you would sat on the throne.” Xi smiled mockingly as he refers to the summoning chair of the desert.
“I did not.” Bernie retorted with a truthful face.
“Oh?” Silently thought to himself, Xi wondered if Bernie is either a great liar or perfectly honest. The prior is the natural trait for a politician to survive into the presidency. Then again, that old man never got into the final candidate list of his party. How foolish, but also intriguing. “Then how did you get here?”
Bernie Sander leans forward to stares down at the emperor from above the wall. He make the first complacent grin since the deadly political exchange before answering. “Socialism.”
Another many-day passed, another morning briefing with hamberders. This time, no ketchup, just muster and mayonnaise. Tuesday is not a sweet tooth day.
Time sure flies like only a few seconds passed and I go shoved to the next meeting. I don’t even remember what I did the last couple days or weeks. It all feel so unreal. Why did I know it is Tuesday? Of course, I am a business executive - The clock is built into me. I am never late, everyone else is late, so no one can say I am late when everyone is late—no, it’s an unspoken change of schedule. No one was late. No one.
BUT, I am tired of the conference meeting with the jellies. It’s getting old. Too traditional. I am so bored by wasting time sitting in one place for hours! I could have sits in front of a TV vigilantly watch fake news and AAA movies!
Much better. Softer seats, much smaller table with drink and reachable snacks. This is a private meeting between friends of Platinum members. We get to chill while the ‘Golds’ get to sits in those lovely business chairs and hope they don’t get butt disease from sitting too long.
So laddies, what happened while I was working so hard thinking up the greatest food to attract wealthy migrate?
Congratulation, Mr. President. Your idea of ‘Cake’ and ‘Donut’ are spreading with good reviews! I am sure the ‘Fry Butter’ and ‘Carbonated Drink’ will receives the same responds once we figures out how to make butter and carbonate a drink.
Good, pre-trademark them and make sure to negotiate those loyalty money.
Do you have anymore of these wondrous ideas for delicacy, Mr. President?
I do. *Munching chips* Covfefe is an acquired taste and a bit too bitter without half a cup of sugar, you can find those coco bean in my couhfee machine to copy the taste.
Ah, those stimulating drinks. It would sell well as an overnight drink.
*extend both hands out and imagining holding a football* Next is the Hamberder. Two cut bread, ham in the middle… *Pause to think* More ham in the middle! Finally, some veggies, and whatever source you want it in between. I dunno, go figure it out.
Isn’t that a… Sandwich?
*Throw chips at green jelly* No! Idoit! Sandwich is cut into triangle and flat! Brder is round on the top and bottle! Also brown, dark brown color instead of white!
What are these ‘round top’ thing?
And tramark them! *opens another bag of chips*
Moving on to the current state of affair regarding the factio-
Keep it short.
No. This is a casual meeting, keep each of them to like a sentence or two.
I don’t think this a good ide-
Do I need to declare a national emergency to say this is a VERY good idea?
… *Clear Throat*
Fire Lizard stay home with no sign of war involvement. All scouts are dead, and the non-volunteer choose to run away instead.
Elf returns to their home ground and fortifying their territory with magical traps and watching posts. They are ready for the Terminator’s assault.
Despite the confirmed death of their leader, the fairies went on the offensive into the Terminator’s territory for revenge of their queen. No one expected those mischievous things to have loyalty, but they are fooli-
What did I said about keeping it short!?
B-but it’s still two sentences!
… I know that! It’s just a test! Next!
The terminator is now occupied in war with the fairy. There’s no real way to stop a fairy from going to wherever they want without magical ward. The Terminator’s army either lack the magical capacity in their units or letting them in for slaughter.
… It’s still two sentences, Mr. president.
Make it one from now on.
As for the so called ‘Dwarf’, no one have any idea what they are. Many assume you were asking for fat hobbit.
… (Hmm, maybe they are?)
The scout you said was sent to the dwarf kingdom all refute they scouting the ancient underground tunnel of ancient civilization.
… What about Xi.
No sign of them ever since they went underground. The seer can sense their leader is still alive.
I believe it’s my turn for the domestic and economic isu-
TWO SENTENCE! NO. ONE!
… The new harbor vaca-
Scratch that, tell me all about it.
The seaport and vacation industry have begin establishing commerce activity throughout th-
Holy poo poo, where did you learn all these hard business words?
You ordered me to read through everything in the room with all those otherworldly books about law and economy.
(I did?) Well done. *stoic face*
Many wealthy gold and diamond members already applied their application for owning a spot or permit for business, but we aren’t sure what kind of commercial business to incorporate with the local vacation and trade industry.
1) There’s only enough development space for the ONE expansion to the local vacation/trading industry:
A) Fishing industry. Promoting seafood culinary among the vacation properties.
B) Magical Entertainment. Fireworks, pretty illusion, nightlights, rainbow, sunlight, magic show, fun fun fun.
C) Monopolize Hobbit Trade Guild. One unified trading organization to provide maximum efficiency for the local economic needs. Greater discount and profit for us.
D) Golf Course. Extreme waste of space for minimal entertainment value. Rich people will LOVES it!
E) Leave the development space for whatever commerce to grow along the local industry.
In the meantime, road will be constructed between here and the beach to promote travel and development. The sea-wall building rush caused too much resource fatigue to start the next development plan for this period, but it won’t hurt to start thinking about the next expansion plan now.
A) Expand more to the north, hitting the human nation border.
B) Expand west to the dangerous forest land.
C) Expand East into the uninhabitable mountains bordering the desert of Orc nation.
Mage Guild (Fully Constructed)
This drat building looks completely different from the 90% done building a couple days ago. Magic, they say.
Inside the guildhall is fabulous. Modern architecture design mimicked from some photos I gave them with begrudgingly smiling receptionist and professional etiquette to gently tell the customer to gently caress off.
What is not wonderful, however, is the guildmaster. The half-bald middle-aged man without a beard is still looking like himself! What did I said about having the wizard look? Where’s my dumbodore!? How can people treat this place seriously without a super old beardly wizard in hobo robe to showcase his magnificent loneness? I immediately threatened the idiot to magic himself back to the hobo look or be fired.
He does so… But, this isn’t the same look I saw before.
“What do you mean, Mr. President?” The guildmaster asked with distraught worries of losing his job. ‘This is exactly what I looked like the last time!”
No. This isn’t it. It.. It’s…
Now that I think about it. I remembered this is exactly the one from last time! How silly of me, but I won’t show it on my face. I demand the guy to look OLDER. MUCH OLDER.
NOT THAT OLD!
Much better. It's all about those wild and polished sexy beard.
Now what was I here for? I seem to have forgotten something… else?
|# ? Mar 5, 2019 14:33|
1E Artisinal hand crafted luxury beach industry
2A this cuts off orcs from going west and cuts off other humans from going south. Leaves the valuable timber for us to take at leisure, probably after getting the remainders of mountains. Besides we need contact with real humans instead of 99% mutants everywhere.
Demand to know what the entire history of dwarves was and also need a magic suit. Business purposes. Business suit with magic.
|# ? Mar 5, 2019 21:01|
|# ? Mar 5, 2019 21:18|
Towers good, add more floors to everything!
Send the tunnel snakes to deal with it!
|# ? Mar 6, 2019 10:02|
What’s the point of owning a
drat, I need to invite some world leader to play golf with me. Yes, I will send an invitation to each faction to play golf with me. Personally.
Write-in to send what letter to each or every faction. Lizard, human, hobbit, elf, terminator, fairy, dwarf, and whoever deserve the invitation.
Wait, I have an better idea! If there is enough participant, we can have a GOLF TORNAMENT! YES! GENIUS! SMART! The prize will be something like status membership, gold, gem, land, resort privilege, whatever!
Green Jelly mentions this ‘golf course’ is easy to build since it’s just bulldozing everything and cast Grass Growth on it. Wonderful. In fact, since the golf course is so easy to make and denied other industrial growth, I can start on the next land expansion instead! And this time…
*Purple are our current border and wall line
*Orange are next expansion area
We are going north. Take all the unclaimed land so the human faction can’t have it. It’s mine. Another wave of merc will clear the land, and all the wall-building units will reallocate to build the border wall! Yes, it’s me. I make this perfect combination plan that saves time and money. I planned all this so smoooooothly, other leader would have to work three times harder to catch up to my nation development!
But why end with wall? It got to have towers. Lots’n’lots of wall-towers with more floors than an average tower! It will be so tall that the orc can’t reach us! We will gun them down like nothing! Yes, those towers will have gu-no, I only have enough for my castle. drat! I knew I should have dip into the firearm business! Gold plated weapon aren’t economical they said! Well now I have no guns for my border because of my sticky advisor! American loves their gun like they treasures their dick – It works like a charm and charm like a gun! Our guns are national treasure!
Hold on, speaking of illegal entry through my border wall, I recall those immigrant can digs hole and go underground! Those tunnel left by dwarf can let everyone go anywhere across the map! Those illegal orcs could pops out of any hole without crossing the mountain! Why didn’t I thought of that before!? This is a national emergency! I need to send the merc to clean the hole! But cleaning might not be enough, I should…
A) Collapse them!
B) Reinforce them with doors! Many doors!
C) Flood it! Screw harvesting dwarf money!
Broken and collapsed city walls lays in rubble with bodies of dwarf and orcs. Two mighty orc gripping each shoulder of the kneeing Bernie Sander in front of the victorious Emperor Xi. Both have the opposite expression of hatred and joy.
“It’s not good to be so rush, little Bernie.” Xi muses in a wise tone. “Socialism is the progression path towards Communism.”
“The kind that make people die for you? Like the orc?” Bernie riposte back with a struggled smirk. He struggles again in vain to get his hands at the emperor; these orc’s muscle the size of Bernie’s torso is holding him from each side.
Xi sighs. “Your power to manipulate wealth across the world is quite a threat. If’s anything that can match the power of my army – it’s money.”
“It’s ‘Redistribution’ to give the poor the equal chance in wealth!” Bernie argued back at the slander of his democratic-socialist power for the good of all beings.
Xi moves closer, knowing the orc would not let the old man touch him even at this close distance. “We would have easily win this war if we combine our special ability.” He turns around with wide spread arm, “Money and Power, the driven force of the world!” He turn back around to look at Bernie with an ecstatic face of a power hungry beast of insatiable depth. “Think about it!”
Bernie spit, but missed the crazy emperor. The grip on both his shoulder tighten to the point of breaking.
The wide grin of Xi lessened into a neutral smile. “You might have won already if you were paired with those Hobbit. What a shame.” He chuckled from within. “A shame that your life ends here.”
Bernie laughs as the orc crash down on their grip. The pain empowers his laugh into greater volume, but despite the overwhelming pain, he scream out his reason:
“All the wealth of the dwarf! My power will send it all to the nation who spend the most of it wealth to improve the nation! Both economically and militarily! Whoever inherit it must be a great ruler who care for his people and with this wealth of the dwarves kingdom; they will have a chance of defeating you!”
At the brief moment before Bernie’s death arrives as he fell to the ground to bleed out, his power shows him a limited divination of visions of who will receive the gift for fulfilling his requirement:
“B-but!” The green jelly tries to argue and I raised my palm to slaps again as a warning. “If we go that far for this wall, we would really need to start worrying about our treasury and SHUT DOWN THE GOVERNMENT to build this wall!
”Get the wall build at all cost or else I will do it myself by declaring a national emergency to draft everyone to build it.”
”HIRE ALL MERCENARY WE CAN!”
Wealth dropped into level that requires management. Initial assessment to be Ten Billion dollar…
Requirement Satisfied. Activating Power: Socialism.
(Jesus. The dwarf are really gone. Puff, bing, dong. All gone! No one remembers them. People thought their home is from some old civilization and the hobbits are giving ME money for finding it and percentage of whatever they loot!)
Wealth restored to level where it is unnecessary to manage
Bernie Sander passed on without a smile.
Nyaa fucked around with this message at Mar 12, 2019 around 16:05
|# ? Mar 12, 2019 16:02|
Fist Place: Trump Golf Courses Meganational Award (giant statue of trump golfing made of jewels and the golf ball is a huge diamond)
Second Place: Winner gets embassy rights & can build an embassy wing adjacent to Trump Palace
Third Place: 5 scholarship to Trump University Economic foundation, to be given out any way the winner wants. (book fee & rent not included). This is a great prize & genius because whoever goes will have the Trumpish outlook for the rest of their life.
Beautiful walls should have beautiful, strong, doors. We must secure the dangerous cellar door to the underworld immediately
daaaamn Bernie died tragically too, woah
|# ? Mar 12, 2019 21:28|
“..ake up, Trump, wake-“
“Mr. President, it’s time to wake up.” The blue jelly urged.
“Du fug? I am sleeping? What you doing? What time?”
Sorry, Mr. President, but you told me to wake you early for the gold tournament.
“I regret this.”
I don’t regret this. What a wonderful day for golf. More so with loser to claps at my victorious first place.
The leader of the human nation have come as expected.
The elf’s representative was unexpected, but his presence raises the standard of the property for sure. Any natural land approved by elf is free increase in value according to the hobbit.
He looks familiar… Like a snob rich boy raised from parent with too much money. Prince Charles? Pretty sure that is what the England prince look like.
Speaking of them, these midgets will be using those baby putts that send the ball nowhere. Strength is important for send the ball far, it takes some real muscle like mine to put it next to the hole in first strike.
Some fairy come to watch, but they are too tiny to play. Magic are banned of course. No telepathic golf club OR THE BALL!
On the otherhand…
A) Bribe them to help me win
No dwarf, lizard, pope, terminator, and whoever I invited. Only four of us plus fairy, which mean one player is not going to win. Too bad for that loser, that sad, sad hobbit. I probably do not need to cheat after all.
Oh well, not a bad turn out for the first grand opening of this majestic game to these barbaric people. More will come when they heard about how fun this game is.
Casual pleasantly are being exchanges in abundance pre-game, and I could certainly ask or make offers with the representative while they are here. Write-in
|# ? Mar 15, 2019 15:37|
Ask about fairy land and how great its' doing
|# ? Mar 16, 2019 13:51|
|# ? Mar 22, 2019 22:28|
The questioned fairy burst into tears as if she just got bullied by the person in front of him, but she managed to replies, “Kardy was a nice queen! But we failed her! She got captured by the Terminator! We are trying to get her body back! Please Mr. Trump-“
Ask about fairy land and how great its' doing
I raised a finger to stop her. “Mr. President.” I corrected. Crying girl or not, she needs to learn how to address people properly especially in a sacred field of golfing.
“Mr. President! Can you send a delegate to the Terminator to get the body back!? Kardy said you and the big T works in the same biz before he turns all evil!”
I see. That Arnold must have become evil at the middle of my greatest show - The Apprentice. That’s why the rating went down.
“Do you who make him evil!? I demanded the fairy to answer! I will make her talk! My show’s reputation was briefly lowered because of some jealous rear end in a top hat who sees him doing a better job than he could ever do! “Who is it!?” I would have grip the fairy tightly, but they are fist size and I could easily crush them like a soda can.
The fairy was briefly appalled by my anger, but smiles in responds. “I can see you really care for Kardy! She said you two are best friends!”
“Yeah, we are best bud, now who did it?” I urged without correcting her of our relationship.
The fairy replies as she shakes her head, “I dunno, this is the first I heard of someone turning the big T evil! But it makes sense!”
Well, I feel like I wasted my valuable time talking to children.
|# ? Mar 18, 2019 12:04|