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Volmarias
Dec 31, 2002


Ask our chief of cyber, Baron Trump, what all the nerds are really up to

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CourValant
Feb 25, 2016

Do You Remember Love?

1: Tell your family that all is well, and that while you've had to fight off Hilary's witchcraft (given to her by Obama), the NASA eggheads will soon have a weapon for you to dual wield and finally put this dream-thing down, once and for all.

Ask Jared for a progress report on all of the assignments you gave him.
Ask Ivanka who's Daddy Little Girl.
Ask Melania is she's a Chinese plant.
Tell the rest of the family to do better; they have to fight for your love and affection, so they better get out there and make the 6pm news.

2: Declare War on Canada. Those maple sucking puck-heads have taken advantage of the U S of A for the last time. You'll show them where they can stick their soft lumber and dairy.

alpaca diseases
May 19, 2009



Fire wife, hire daughter as new wife

Volmarias posted:

Ask our chief of cyber, Baron Radium Trump, what all the nerds are really up to

Blasphemaster
Jul 10, 2008



Demand that the press corps scream real loud at our rear end.

Does Canada still have a leader? If not then proceed with immediate annexation.

Drop a MOAB on a Kardashian.

By popular demand
Jul 17, 2007

IT *BZZT* WASP ME--
IT WASP ME ALL *BZZT* ALONG!


All the previous plans in order.

Nyaa
Jan 7, 2010

Q.E.D.



As you ketchup soaked waffle slide its way down your throat towards a system of clogging arteries, you decided to ask the opinion of your fifth son, Barron Trump, about what the nerds are really up to at school.

The eleven years old boy stares back with innocent eyes that haven’t witness the darkness of humanity replies, “Everyone in school are NERDS!” His tone mimics your usual speech pattern of emphasizing the important word. You are very proud of this son, so you give his perfectly combed hair a pat with your greasy hand. You told reveal to him that daddy is fighting off Hillary’s witchcraft and NASA NERDS are going to make cool things for daddy to take down the dream, once and for all! “Good!” Your son cheered. “I don’t want desert dream no more!”

Next, you ask Jared about the assignment you gave him. He looks around before whispering to remind you that you two can’t discuss personal financed publicly before leaning back to his seat. He says, “Everything is going smoothly despite the… international issue, but it could be profitable to take advantage of the chaos.”

You point your “You are fire” finger at Ivanka, and ask “who’s your daddy?”

She replies with a static smile. “You are, daddy.”

Good. You glop down the Dr. Papper to help your throat push down that stubborn bacon that kindly refused to murder your heart with kindness, but you insist, and flushed it into the deep chasm of your belly, never to be seen again. Forever.

You should ask something of Melania too, but the thought of the people that you slept with might be a Chinese Plant has been bothering you a lot. You have to make sure. “Melania.” You called to her attention and interrupting her while she is taking care of spilling food on Barron’s mouth.

“Yes, dear?” She looks up to you obediently while the napkin continues its circular motion on the child’s face, spreading grease and oil to more surface area and making his face more orange.

Leaning closer with both your arm forming a triangle situated under your jaw, you probed your wife for her heritage with great espionage and stealth behind your words. “Are you a Chinese Plant?”

Her smile slowly faint into her confused stare. “Chinese… Plant? Like a flower?”

She’s good. Ohh- she is good. If she is a plant that is. Otherwise, she is SHAMEFULLY DUMB.

“Forget it!” You gave up on interrogating her for now. She is too wised up by your suspicion. You will have to make another attempt when she is more off her guard… Maybe when she is naked… Or using Chinese products. Trying to change the topic, you turns back to your family and relieve everyone with an ending speech. “Everyone work harder. Go out there and make the 6pm news. That is all.”

You order a third plate of sausages as your family gradually excuse themselves to their important family business. drat you are hungry. The forth plate of overcooked double sunnyside up egg is served just in time for you to suck its York essence from the chicken. SUSTENANCE!

Jared is right, you could take advantage of this global leader missing epidemic… By invading Canada now! But you need a cause to convince the senate to agree with you, and there’s not enough Muslim, Mexican, or terrorist to warrant an assault. Those Canadian bastard are too complacent with their cold climate to do anything news worthy either! drat it! People loves their beaver, but only American loves their Eagle! These goddamn Canadian even have free healthcare! How is that even possible!? Where did they get the money to fund that!? It must be their softwood import ruining our cow milk industry! An invasion might reveal their maple secret to the world, but you need a CAUSE!


The people need a reason to invade Canada, what should it be? Write-in

-------------
Next in your agenda as you considered it over the sixth plate of waffles soaked with gravy: Drop another MOAB on Kardashian – No, not Kim Kardashian, afghan kardanistan whatever their name is call. The world need to know you have the biggest bomb in the world and isn’t afraid to drop it! A powerful message to the newer leaders of the world to not get in your way or step on your Jesus Sucked Toe. This one is actually doable thanks to people believing wherever you bomb have ISIS in it, so they will be ok no matter how many innocent third-world country lives are wasted, nor the 11 million dollar that each bomb cost. You are protecting your country, dammit! Some sacrifice has to be make for your international status.

Yess… Which middle eastern country are you bombing next? Write-in or you actually want to bomb Kim Kardashian?

SniperWoreConverse
Mar 20, 2010

Shamanistic Tendencies


Have CIA plant illegal drugs and terroristic items in Canada's Maple House (they don't have a white house). Maybe include HUMAN TRAFFICING -- WHITE SLAVERY!?!? The cowardly Canuk would sell American daughters into gently caress prison for a moose doubloon or whatever they have, without even batting an eye. Good for ratings. Mexican death cartel probably involved.

Next middle east country to bomb will be Guyana, or Ghana, whatever it's spelled.

CourValant
Feb 25, 2016

Do You Remember Love?

The people need a reason to invade Canada, what should it be? Write-in

Canadian beer is 6.1% alcohol by volume! 6.1%!!! Our own perfect American swill brew is only 4.1%!!!

Clearly, these sneaky sap-drilling puck-heads were well prepared to avoid the dream-mare before it happened, ergo, they knew about this ahead of time, ergo, they're complicit, ergo, they are the ENEMY, BIGLY!!!

Yess… Which middle eastern country are you bombing next? Write-in or you actually want to bomb Kim Kardashian?

I'll tell you what middle eastern country to BOMB next! CALABASAS, CALIFORNIA!!! These Kardashian's think they're so smart, hiding their TERRORIST CELL in the heart of the HOLLYWOOD LIBERAL FAKE FAKER FAKERY!!!

Well, time to clean house, and MAKE AMERICA WHITE GREAT AGAIN!!!

We're dropping our Daisy Cutter on all those HEATHENS; aimpoint, Sugarfish.

alpaca diseases
May 19, 2009



Bomb Kim Kardashian, Then no reality show will dare rate higher than The Apprentice (our one of course)

Better bomb Schwarzenegger too, just to be safe

I've seen that documentary, The Terminator- can't let him gain to much popularity

Blasphemaster
Jul 10, 2008



We need to go pillage their free health care because that is absolutely how that works.

I have a better idea. Hire Arnold to gun down the Kardashians while in full Terminator costume. Have those Sciency guys at DARPA give him some actual robot parts to make it look convincing. Then bomb Arnold while the news cycle is in full swing.

By popular demand
Jul 17, 2007

IT *BZZT* WASP ME--
IT WASP ME ALL *BZZT* ALONG!


It's time to invade Palestina! (pre1948 Israel)
failing that, hows checoslovakia doing these days?

AJ_Impy
Jun 17, 2007



Yam Slacker

Because it is there.

Nyaa
Jan 7, 2010

Q.E.D.



It is decided. You will invade and bomb someone today. Or tomorrow, whichever is faster. But you don’t know who to invade or bomb, so you call over your National Security Advisor to the Oval Office while you continues your dessert plate of orange cake.


“McMaster reporting for duty, Mr. President.” Your NSA walks into your room professionally with a military salute to his commander in chief. You smiles gladly that this man is doing a fine job so far. He is the replacement of Michael T. Flynn after a scandal forcing him to resign and no other military official want to take the job, so you have to force McMaster to take the role with his military career at stake to make it happen. The military have too much coward, but at least you manage to get someone adequate.

You look him in the eyes while hunching up your shoulders on the desk. This is your posture for presenting a plan. “Listen, McMaster.” Boy, you loves his name. Mc. Master. Like, McDonald, except, Master. What a great name. “I have decided.” You wait a bit to observe the usual deep gulp of saliva that your advisor usually do, but McMaster didn’t show any worry or fear. He only stares back like a patient lion waiting for the moment to strike out. This man is good. A national treasure.

















*This tweet will be deleted by a staff member later for autocorrect reason*

It’s good that you are his boss, but he sure like to play hard-to-get. “I. Am. Planning.” Your palms moves the hypnotically cube up and down as you lay out of thoughts. “To take advantage of the world crisis, to invade Canada and bomb Kardashitan.”

The general shown a moment of shock, but he face quickly reverted to its usual professionalism. “Mr. President, the world—“ He paused a moment to consider his choice of words. “We already at war with ISIS and Afghanistan.”

“So?” You ask the obvious question.

He paused a moment like he is thinking up an explanation for the recruit. “It would be unpopular with the people and Canada is our ally.”

“No it won’t!” You refuted. “Have the CIA plant illegal drugs and terroristic items or claim they are human trafficking with Genova gas or their softwood is stealing our job!” You continues pouring out various incriminating reason to invade Canada while McMaster stood by silently to listen to your wisdom. He is probably forming such plans for you at this moment abet your demand. He is the loyal type after all.

“Mr. President.” He spokes after you are done and too tried to continue. “I believe the dream epidemic is a more important situation to deal with before we take on more responsibility.”

OH NO, you don’t want more responsibility! Why didn't you thought of that!?

“As for bombing…” He considered a few moment and says, “I suppose we could drop another MoAB in Afghanistan on a... suspected terrorist camp in the middle of nowhere where civilian are out of harm's way... But maybe you would rather bomb someone’s career in the Hollywood industry instead?”

Ohhh, you like the sound of that! You hated Schwarzenegger for his awfully long name and that guy or is it woman that do horribly in The Apprentice!

McMaster continues after seeing you nodding to his suggestion. “I can’t help you on this as a military general. If there is nothing else, then I would like to return to duty, Mr. President.”

1) Choose any of the following:
A) You still want to invade Canada. Find another advisor who will agree with you!
B) Drop the MoAB.
C) Get the NSA to dig up tarnishing info to destroy Schwarzenegger!
D) Get the NSA to dig up tarnishing info to destroy Kim Kardashian!
E) Send some James Bonds to plant incriminating evident in Canada!
F) Sing a song about O’Canada.
G) Write-in

After McMaster’s departure. Your phone rings. As usual, you wait for five rings before answering to show the person that you are a very, very, busy man.

“Mr. President.” Your secretary’s voice over the phone. “Vladimir Sucha of the Joint Research Centre would like to speak with you.”

“Who the hell is that?” You demanded to know the prestige of the unknown caller.

“He is…” Your secretary paused to explain in easily understood wording in short sentence. “The NASA of EU.”

“Hook him in.” You ordered, and your secretary does so.

: Greetings, Mr. Trump! I am happy to finally reach you! What a great privilege to be able to speak to the President of the United State of America!
: I can tell we will get along well, Mr. Vlad. What do you want?
: Ah, yes… The reason I call is to ask for the United State’s cooperation with the EU to have a joint global research on this global phenomenon.
: How exactly do you want me to do that? What do I gain from this?
: Oh, uhh… We will pool our manpower into researching this issue together and figure things out faster together!
: I know that, but what else do I personally gain?
: …
: Hello?
: Uh…Umm, Mr. Trump, you will… Um… Be the first to notify of any new discovery?
: … I will consider your proposal, Mr. Vlad.

As soon as you finished with the last call, another ring from your secretary. “Mr. President, the Vice President, now-president of the People’s Republic of China is calling.”

“SEND HIM OVER!” You scream at your useless secretary for putting such an important economic trading partner on hold! What would the Chinese man think of you? DISHONARBLE!

: This is Li YuanChoa speaking.
: Hello, great friend of mine! How is my estate property doing in your care?
: There is still in safe hand, my pengyo. You guijing is always thinking about money even at time of crisis.
: Yes, of course! Money makes the world run!
: Indeed. Having a shares of the massive mountain of fortune in China will set you rich for life. Don’t ever forget that.
: Never sir! You and Putin are my real economic partners!
: Good, but since Putin gone and his country is not democratic like us where I get to replace Xi, I will be in charge now, you hear?
: Yes, of course!
: You are a very good boy. I always like that in you. The world don’t need to see your piss tape.
: NO! They won’t!
: Now, the second reason I call is because I am very concern about this dream problem. You see, I am China’s new leader now, and I don’t want to disappear.
: Same here!
: So I want you to send your best researcher over for a joint AmeriChina effort to find out what’s going on.
: Oh, I just have the same proposal from EU about-
: Yes, I know. Our tapper informed me, which is why I called. Look, China and American is Big Nation, Very big nation.
: Yes, we are!
: And Europe is just a messy bunch of tiny, tiny little nations grouping together.
: Yes, they are!
: With our combine researching effort, we can outpace the EU and figure out what is going on. Not only will both our big, big nation looks good against all these ants, but we might be able to control this dream! Imagine the possibility! It's like owning the nuclear bomb again! Soon, the world will have no choice but to join as one communistic heaven! One nation, under god indeed!

2) Your respond…
A) Accept China. Send NASA and other nerds to them.
B) Accept China, but they will be working in America!
C) Accept EU. Send NASA and other nerds to them. Piss tape be damned!
D) Accept EU, but they will be working in America! Piss tape be damned!
E) Reject both, and your own NASA nerds will figure it out before both of them! Piss tape be damned!
F) Accept both, split your stuff to both in secret.
G) Write-in

Blasphemaster
Jul 10, 2008



G. Have CIA Kidnap Schwarzenegger. MK ULTRA him into Terminator Mode. Chuck him in one of those neato combat exoskeletons you just know exist. His target is the Kardashian bloodline and that noisy West guy Kayak or whatever. Drone him once the task is complete.

G. F but we give the Chinese the exact opposite of the correct info, and the EU gets the recipe for PBR or something. Giant prank, just the best. KICK EM WHEN THEY'RE DOWN!

AJ_Impy
Jun 17, 2007



Yam Slacker

DRAMATIC REVEAL! Accept both, have them both over here in adjacent labs. When both teams are set up, lower the wall between them! Suddenly they are working together with their rival! Ratings GOLD!

By popular demand
Jul 17, 2007

IT *BZZT* WASP ME--
IT WASP ME ALL *BZZT* ALONG!


AJ_Impy posted:

DRAMATIC REVEAL! Accept both, have them both over here in adjacent labs. When both teams are set up, lower the wall between them! Suddenly they are working together with their rival! Ratings GOLD!

OMG (orange man-goblin) yes!

McSpanky
Jan 16, 2005




Blasphemaster posted:

G. Have CIA Kidnap Schwarzenegger. MK ULTRA him into Terminator Mode. Chuck him in one of those neato combat exoskeletons you just know exist. His target is the Kardashian bloodline and that noisy West guy Kayak or whatever. Drone him once the task is complete.

AJ_Impy posted:

DRAMATIC REVEAL! Accept both, have them both over here in adjacent labs. When both teams are set up, lower the wall between them! Suddenly they are working together with their rival! Ratings GOLD!

SniperWoreConverse
Mar 20, 2010

Shamanistic Tendencies


Blasphemaster posted:

G. Have CIA Kidnap Schwarzenegger. MK ULTRA him into Terminator Mode. Chuck him in one of those neato combat exoskeletons you just know exist. His target is the Kardashian bloodline and that noisy West guy Kayak or whatever. Drone him once the task is complete.

AJ_Impy posted:

DRAMATIC REVEAL! Accept both, have them both over here in adjacent labs. When both teams are set up, lower the wall between them! Suddenly they are working together with their rival! Ratings GOLD!

you're hired.

also drop the moby

Outrail
Jan 4, 2009

www.sapphicrobotica.com


CIA reprogramming and DRAMATIC REVEAL

Also this really need to be moved to GBS

Volmarias
Dec 31, 2002


Plan Blasphemer and Impy

Nyaa
Jan 7, 2010

Q.E.D.



https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump...100088253669376

But China president is great! He is the BEST! Do we have the heart to screw him hard!? He have been protecting our pisstape! What a close friend!

*actual tweet

CourValant
Feb 25, 2016

Do You Remember Love?

Blasphemaster posted:

G. Have CIA Kidnap Schwarzenegger. MK ULTRA him into Terminator Mode. Chuck him in one of those neato combat exoskeletons you just know exist. His target is the Kardashian bloodline and that noisy West guy Kayak or whatever. Drone him once the task is complete.

AJ_Impy posted:

DRAMATIC REVEAL! Accept both, have them both over here in adjacent labs. When both teams are set up, lower the wall between them! Suddenly they are working together with their rival! Ratings GOLD!
Better than anything I could have come up with.

Nyaa posted:

*actual tweet
This makes me want to crawl back in bed for the rest of the week.

Nyaa
Jan 7, 2010

Q.E.D.



: That’s a great idea! But…
But?
: I think you should send your scientist here because, well, you know, our equipment are STARE OF THE ART, top expensive premium quality made in America.
Hmm, you might have a point, but…
: But?
Our law here would be more… ‘Efficient’ for personal contribution and more… ‘Flexible’ for human experiment.
: Oh, exactly right, Mr. President! That’s why American can’t work over here! They would bitch and complain about Every. Single. Thing. It would make China look bad because these slackers got too used to the luxury lab space and high tech equipment with standard eight-hour work time at adult age!
Hmm, you make a good point there! I see your businessman sense haven’t rusted.
: Always sharp! Like a Katana!
Yet your cultural knowledge remain terrible… Very well, I will have the man be there in… Two days.
: Yes! Together we will make China Great Again!
Yes, under my direction! The imperial China will have its greatest Emperor in history!
: Hail- (Can’t remember name) the emperor!
Hahaha, Jai Jen. *click*

You slam the antique desk phone of historic value down so hard that the crack and damage ruined half its estimated price. Then your oil soaked saliva spray rapidly at it through your vile insults and angry shouting at the long ended caller. Oh, you will work with his scientist alright! But they will be YOUR scientist soon!And you will take the EU science too! Then you will be the one to take over the world!Pisstape be damned!


In your great moment of presidential rage, the surging blood briefly revitalized your aging to make you sharp as a cat. Your momentary clarity of mind stopped you from immediately calling the EU because the phone is tapped by China, so you need to reply to them through another source. Some way that is not monitored by China so that you can accept the EU science team to come over for your Master Plan! Oh yes, there will be a wall between these scientist! In adjacent lab!

But how?
A) Anonymous email
B) Through a trusted person (write-in name) email
C) Through a trusted person (write-in name) EU visit
D) Personal EU visit
E) Tell China you will accept EU and send them to a lab that will hinder their research progress
F) Write-in


Next, you immediately summon the head of NASA again into your office for a quick briefing. The man reintroduce himself as Bolden, the first African American appointed by Obama. No wonder he is so disrespectful to you! Bolden indeed! No matter, he is much nicer to you now that you are considering pumping UNLIMITED money into the research project. He told you the team has come up with many theory and ideas, but they would need access to state of the art mental facility equipment and full suppose of resources in order to get the result as soon as possible.

Yes, yes, you say yes to everything he needs. In fact, other top scientist from other nation is coming to join the team effort! Bolden is thrilled by the sudden influx of funding and manpower for the opportunity to research an unknown global phenomenon! However, you have a few conditions of how you want the labs to work out:

First, you want two labs separate by a wall in case one got burned down, BUT, the wall can be lowered down mechanically in case we need a bigger room. Bolden sees this as reasonable concern and told you he can handle minor things like this. NO, you want it be done this way. He wonder to ask why, but relent to your whims.

Second, you own the remote control to that wall. There was a brief pause before Bolden reply “Sure, no problem.”

Lastly, get the lab ready in one and a half day. Bolden eyes went wide at the deadline. His mind racing with calculation and estimation of how much can be built in one and a half day.

“Starting tomorrow?” He asked.

“Starting after you leave this room.” You replied.

He sweats a lot as his brain went into overdrive to figure out if this is even possible. Finally, he suggested building a new lab on top of an existing lab is possible, but the second lab definitely need about three days. You stares him very hard for a long moment that makes your prey super uncomfortable. Finally, he said he could push it in two days if the resource is available along with overtime and lots of coffee. You accepts like a master dealmaker.


Now. Something else to appease your anger.

What better way to relieves your stress than watching the fall of your mortal enemy, Arnold szeszeszesbnager. Devil bless his name. Currently at his primal age of 69. Yah.

This very man who ruined your famous The Celebrity Apprentice show with his “you’re terminated” and “get to the choppa” crappy lines as the Show Host will pay! He shall face the shame of shaming my show with his terrible accent and low rating that even the people hated it! SAD!

drat, now your are angrier! Your mind become even witty with more blood to combat your plausible dementia-like symptom that people said you might have due to old age! Bullshit! You are young and smart! Yes, your active imagination have formed an insane revenge ploy that will burial this robot man to the German Mud that he born from!

You dial the speed dial button that say CIA directly to the director’s persona cellphone. He answered your query in regard to kidnap and arrest Arnold Shiiiitnager.

“Uhmm, Mr. President…” He sounds reluctant. Is he going to refuse the president request!? “The CIA doesn’t handle domestic issue and doesn’t have the power to do anything… Both legal and illegal. You should call the FBI instead?OrSecret Service? I-I will delete this whole conversation to save ourselves future headache.” You told him you was testing him. “Sure, you are.” He ended the call.

The thought of calling the FBI or Secret Service next has crossed your embolden mind, you are like a child who fears no one after receiving power from God, but you haven’t received the power yet. You have to restraint yourself on anything too illegal like kidnaping, which is why you will leave this to the shadowy hand of the underworld.

You dialed a special number, a gift from Putin for when you really want something done. His personally ‘Soviet Secret Service’.

“This is the SSS.” A deep Russian voice rumbles through the phone as if the man who spoke this sentence is steroid jacked with only Vodka with him in a middle of nowhere Snow Mountain.Static-like noise accompany the background no because the person is in a remote area, but due to anti-tracking jammer running at full blast. You wish you could talk to EU scientist through this, but alas, you only given one wish for this.

You leave the secret code words that sounds innocent, and not incriminating if it ever get traced:

“Kid likes napping with the muscular robot get dressed in his favorite robot costume. Robot learns Kardashin and Kayak or whatever are bad for kids. Then it droneaway itself. Just like in the movie.”

The deep voice responds. “You called at the worst possible time, ‘kid. But your pizza will be delivered.” The slam the phone down so hard that you briefly heard noise of the phone breaking apart before it went dead.

Good.

What next, comrade? Write-in or timeskip two or three days.

CourValant
Feb 25, 2016

Do You Remember Love?

1C) Through a trusted person (write-in name) EU visit

Who else? JARED!!! The man who gets to lay with our favored Daughter!!!

Maybe if we send him out enough times, he won't make it back one of these days, then Ivanka will be Daddy's Little Girl again!!!

Write-in

Hilary, that Black Magic Witch (how dare she! How Dare She!!!), has been getting lippy with the FAKE NEWS! Actually going so far as blaming Comey and Russia for costing her the election! SAD!

Time to send Bill some 'Chinese Company' and record the proceedings; another 'Husband Scandal' will shut her up!!!

SniperWoreConverse
Mar 20, 2010

Shamanistic Tendencies


C) invite all trusty people to Dim Sum, American Burger, & Jagerschnitzel lunch

Carefully analyze who likes foreigns the best, these ones have the needed international attitude.
Then pick the one who likes it SECOND BEST, and still loves the burg, that one won't defect because of forigen luxuries.
Then compare everyone that is America first, but international leaning, and pick the best person to go to the EU and deliver the science message. They leave immediately after lunch.

AJ_Impy
Jun 17, 2007



Yam Slacker

Send the Witch Clinton, get her to send the scientists here, then have the TSA prevent her coming back!

Blasphemaster
Jul 10, 2008



I want to see how this plays out on national tv.

SniperWoreConverse
Mar 20, 2010

Shamanistic Tendencies


agree, turn on the TV as well

E: as in, right now even

SniperWoreConverse fucked around with this message at May 3, 2017 around 00:22

SniperWoreConverse
Mar 20, 2010

Shamanistic Tendencies


Nyaa posted:

...

You should ask something of Melania too, but the thought of the people that you slept with might be a Chinese Plant has been bothering you a lot. You have to make sure. “Melania.” You called to her attention and interrupting her while she is taking care of spilling food on Barron’s mouth.

“Yes, dear?” She looks up to you obediently while the napkin continues its circular motion on the child’s face, spreading grease and oil to more surface area and making his face more orange.

Leaning closer with both your arm forming a triangle situated under your jaw, you probed your wife for her heritage with great espionage and stealth behind your words. “Are you a Chinese Plant?”

Her smile slowly faint into her confused stare. “Chinese… Plant? Like a flower?”

She’s good. Ohh- she is good. If she is a plant that is. Otherwise, she is SHAMEFULLY DUMB.

“Forget it!” You gave up on interrogating her for now. She is too wised up by your suspicion. You will have to make another attempt when she is more off her guard… Maybe when she is naked… Or using Chinese products. Trying to change the topic, you turns back to your family and relieve everyone with an ending speech. “Everyone work harder. Go out there and make the 6pm news. That is all.”

You order a third plate of sausages as your family gradually excuse themselves to their ...

If you aren't at least lurking the gbs lol thread, you might wanna consider starting

Nyaa
Jan 7, 2010

Q.E.D.



I lurk the trump thread, which i base everything on what tweet posted there. TWEET FACTS!

Lol

Nyaa fucked around with this message at May 3, 2017 around 12:56

Blasphemaster
Jul 10, 2008



I love watching his world implode. It makes me all tingly inside.

Then I think about how he might die in office from being OLD and FAT, which would give the seat to Pence, and I feel a cold fear in my spine.

Nyaa
Jan 7, 2010

Q.E.D.



Many plans came up in your mind, but your rapidly fading blood pressure is draining your focus and you are crushing from the backslash of the adrenaline. The buildup of oily food also making you extremely sleepy, but you can’t sleep. You might get kidnapped if you fall asleep. You thought about doing some excises -HA HA HA – just kidding, there’s no way you are ever going to perform manual labor, you are simply too fit to need such excruciating exertion! Except golf, you have to do it for the sake of nation’s internal relation! But you would prefer to let Mike Keiser drown in your victory for a few more days before crushing him again with another career ending gamble.

All you can do now is watch television. Hopefully the news about Arnold shhhger, hmm, Arnold Sugar, yes, that’s good, the girly named Arnold Sugar to get kidnapped and make Kim kadashian cry in public television as you ordered! HA- ha, you never was one for manically laughter, and you are pretty sure that is some dumb fiction thing to waste viewer’s time like a writer trying to get more pay by dragging on a long rear end paragraph quota without a goddamn single comma that will make any poor readers who prefer to read it out loud to suffer terribly. Sad.

Oh, your mind went pass some mental wall for a moment there because it has been ONE DAY since you watched the TV for news of Arnold, and boy was it disappointing. Arnold Sugar and Kim has disappeared in their sleep as reported by all news. Sparking some worries that the dream is claiming the superstars next.

In other news, at least the fake news are talking about the validly of black magic now and your approval rating is up with the disappearance of Hiliary with this desert dream business. Of course, what you said are FACTS. You just know and there’s plenty of evidence for it.

Your spent the time in between to convince BOTH the Republican and Democrat to pass a massive funding to research this dream business by your plan. It was unanimously easy considering everyone’s own life is at stake. O’ if only those Democrat would all broke down from a flu, then they will pass your party’s health care act for sure! Too bad, everyone want to focus on this dream issue and whether it count as a physical or mental disease that will be cover under Obamacare. Psst. It won’t.

You also thought about sending Jared to get in contact with the EU guy, but since you are utterly bored, you set up a dinner party with Dim Sum, American Burger, & Jagerschnitzel Lunch. You pick the one who likes it SECOND BEST, and still loves the burg for your own unassailable reasoning. Turns out, many people like foreign food more than burgers. How Un-American. In fact, no one touched the burger except the new Secret Agent guy you hired who was grabbing it for a quick bite on his off shift. Good enough, he will do. You like him anyway. What’s his name again?

Day Two morning have arrived. You took a warm shower in the morning to wake yourself up and hoping the hangover from the last two nights of alcohol would go away. You really should start taking those hangover drugs… And your other drugs that you are addicted to. The supplies are running low and you don’t have a good reason to fly to Russia now. You quit it anytime anyway. No problem.

Nothing new in the TV about Arnold Sugar and Kim. How sad. You call the Russian Wish Granter again to verify the progress.

“It is done.” The deep Russian Voice said.

“Done?” You asked.

“Yes. We used the special gift that Mr. Putin left for you in case you used that code.” Noise of distant gunfire can be hear from the background behind the deep Russian Voice.

You recall Putin taught you a second secret code word that you could had used to “join in on the game” as he called it. It seems the Russian handled seen fit to spend it on Arnold Sugar and Kim to fulfil your request.

“When can I see it happen?” You asked.

The Russian chuckles hoarsely and says, “Only if you dare to sleep forever.” Then the line went dead. Forever.

Well that wasn’t ominous at all. The Russian guy didn’t scare you, no it doesn’t. In retrospect you probably should had asked for the destruction of the piss tape. Oh well, you don’t need it anyway since today is the opening day of your DREAM LAB. What? The Chinese scientists will be a day late due to Chinese Airplane defects? drat, you did not see that coming, at all!

No matter, you can watch tv for another day and the EU scientist will also arrive tomorrow in secret at a different airport. They believe the secrecy is for their own safety against witchcraft, ha! You made sure they arrive at different airport and the new hired guy will be herding them into your precious new lab soooooon.

In the meantime, the lab is ready, but empty. There not much to do but to wait.

1) Do you want to sleep without alcohol tonight to check out the dream?
A) Yes
B) No
C) Write-in

2) Anything else you want to do or other preventive measure you could think of? Write-in

Nyaa fucked around with this message at May 3, 2017 around 17:08

SniperWoreConverse
Mar 20, 2010

Shamanistic Tendencies


1) have white house chef concoct new drink involving caffeine and alcohol. And spicy chocolate.
2) Start digital fake news stream to keep enraged and not want to sleep. We'll prove them all wrong soon

By popular demand
Jul 17, 2007

IT *BZZT* WASP ME--
IT WASP ME ALL *BZZT* ALONG!


1.Cocaiiiiiinnnne
2. see previous answer

Nyaa
Jan 7, 2010

Q.E.D.



One Day Ago…

Blindfolded and gaged with Potato, Arnold Schwarzenegger isn’t sure why he was kidnapped inside a van at this moment, but he know this is too kinky to be a surprise for his ripe ages of 69 primal form. The surprisingly equal heighted Russian man with thick beard wrestled him for a whole hour in a dark corner of the street. Arnold was finally taken down from the surprise-needle-administration of the assailant from an hour ago. He would have defeated his kidnapper if they didn’t resolved to cheap trick such as drug that’s clearly for intended for downing an elephant. COWARDS!

The worst thing about this is that the kidnapper clearly is mocking him! Every time he chew off those unusually large and cold potatoes, another one get stuff into his mouth. Your anger would be enough to break you free from the rope, but you are in cold chains. Did they get everything from a refrigerator? No matter, you will keep chewing off the potato until the jailer ran out! They will only makes you stronger each moment with every bite! Your “Body is like breakfast, lunch, and Dinner. [You] don’t think about it, [you] just have it”. For you, “life is continuously being hungry. The meaning of life is not simply to exist, to survive, but to move ahead, to go up, to achieve, to CONQUER!”

Regardless of the mistreatment, your mind races through the potential list of enemies that could be executing this crude revenge! Yet, being a retired politician means you will have a large pool of enemy and even invisible one that you never met. It could be anyone from anywhere for disagreeing with your LGBT, pro-choice support, or even from accepting frivolous amount of special interest donation. You are sure this have nothing to do your wife because Every. Women. Are. Very. Satisfy. With. You.

The truck grind to a halt at that thought. Not you, you will keep going forever if needed to succeed! You struggle even hard now and your captive wrestle you down despite you being fully cladded in chains. You make sure to swing wildly in hope that the restrainer would get bump into some wall and hurt himself. “If it bleeds, we can kill it.”

Your enemy is strong. You know. Because he also have plenty of muscles. Cold, hard, muscle. The kind that can crush a brick with a grip like yours. Another man open up the back door and joined the man to carry you out of the van like a mummy wrapped in chains. You managed to finish chewing the potato and screams out your thoughts such as: “WHO ARE YOU!?”, “WHERE THE HELL AM I!?”, “RELEASE ME!”, and classics like “I WILL TERMINATE YOU!”

The captors only laughs at your taunt. You can at least tell you are inside a building or tunnel that sounds echo back. Maybe even underground. Struggling valiantly the whole way though the transfer, you managed to fall off their hands when you bite on one of the hand struggling to hold on to you, but the chain is still too thick for you to break free and they drag you on the ground instead. The floor is cold. You can feel cement and later some floor tiles after passing some doorways. The destination is close; you can feel it in your skull.

The dragging ceased suddenly and you are lifted straight up to be affixed with more chains on some kind of cross or standing post. You don’t know what shape it is, but it is cold enough to be metal. That won’t stop your struggle, in fact, when you feel the chains no your arm is being slowly loosened, you muster enough effort to one-inch punch on the person who is putting his body weight on your arm. Foolish!

More people holds your arm more tightly that the chain embeds into your skin that will last for days. A voice finally spoke out with a slow clapping. “Impressive, Mr. Schwarzenegger.” You feel your blind fold removed to reveal a group of tough looking men and their leader staring at you in a metallic dim room. You shouts insults and question at the greying leader who have a scar slicing down his left eyes behind the eyepatch and a typical grandfather Beard. This person is very dangerous, you can tell from your raw animalistic instinct, but your alpha male barking does not cease.

The leader continues without answering your questions. “The world could use more man like you.”

You agree with him, but fat chance you are serving him! “What do you what!?” You shouted again.

Grimace spread across the aging leader’s scarred face, he frowns with disappointment. “It is not what I want, Mr. Schwarzenegger, but what my clients want.”

“What did he want?” You demanded with calmed fiery. You can’t stay mad at such an respectable alpha male who continuously showing respect to you.

“What he wants…” He paused with a grin while staring at your eyes with intense interest. “Is for you to put up a good show.”

“Show?” Flashes of prank shows crossed your mind, but this can’t be legal. Yet, deep down you hoped it is all a prank.

Another hands the leader a bottle of Vodka and he took a big swings at it before continuing the conversation. “I would love to say that you will find out soon.” Your throat is very dry from all the potato, and you will drink blood if you have to sate this dehydration. “But…” If you only you can grab onto something, and have a little bit more loose chains on your body. “I will let you go.” You could crush everyone wi- What!? What did he say? The leader of the shocked men repeats again, “I will let you go.”

Everyone is looking at each other with confounded look. Your eyes remain focused on the leader with lesser killing intent. What is his game?

“I can’t disobey orders, but if you were to be able to say… Slip away from the Chain, beat up my men and escape this place…” He leaves the thought unfinished and placed his vodka on the ground before leaving the room with the orders: “Untie him.”

Many of the men begin to chuckle and make punching gesture in front of you as they all leave you with an unfortunate guy who are shoved out to untie you. The progress of unchaining is awfully slow as the cautious man removes one layer of chain at a time expecting you to go wild the moment you are free. True to his expectation, once you arm are free, he is knocked down from your jab that will make the dentist a lot of money. You proceed to unchain and loosen the rest of the chains with your free arm, grab the bottle of vodka and empty it. The emptied bottle will be your only weapon until you get yourself on one of their guns.

If you ever managed to get out of here, whoever ordered this will pay dearly for their mistake.

SniperWoreConverse
Mar 20, 2010

Shamanistic Tendencies


yeeeeeeeeeess

CourValant
Feb 25, 2016

Do You Remember Love?

Blasphemaster posted:

Then I think about how he might die in office from being OLD and FAT, which would give the seat to Pence, and I feel a cold fear in my spine.

You're not wrong, on both accounts.

The Office of the Presidency is a grueling, grinding, position. Many a man have not made it out 'alive', or at the very least, without health ramifications.

As for Pence, he does indeed give me the creeps; his refusal to do anything without his wife, and his staunch anti-LGBT stance, leads me to ponder "Methinks the Gentlemen doth protests too much".

1C) Sleep without alcohol, except have the Eggheads rig up some sort of man-machine-neural-interface so that you can watch yourself, while you sleep, and if you were ever to be in danger of being 'kidnapped', you can trigger someone to wake you up.

2) Decorate your bedroom with all of the standard monster warding items; garlic, lamb's blood, silver, crosses, more garlic, holy water, glyphs of power, sage, even more garlic.

By popular demand
Jul 17, 2007

IT *BZZT* WASP ME--
IT WASP ME ALL *BZZT* ALONG!



Blasphemaster
Jul 10, 2008



If this ends like Commando but the mansion is the White House this time, I will be so happy.

Hire a genuine voodoo guy from the Cajun Cookery down the street to temporarily curse you with insomnia. FIGHT FIRE WITH FIRE MURRRICA YEEHAW!

Blasphemaster fucked around with this message at May 4, 2017 around 00:29

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AJ_Impy
Jun 17, 2007



Yam Slacker

Send in the Miss Worlds! Keep it up all night!

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