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Nyaa
Jan 7, 2010
Like, Nyaa.

:colbert:

The world has changed. Not in a physical or metaphorical way, but on a psyche level in the populace where people’s action defied expectations and established orders.


More and more people are angry by the day at all the bad things in the world, and more of them are being emboldened to lead towards the chaotic side of things. Their reckless decision resulted in a… Unique leader among them. However, the cause of this chaotic irrationality might be more ‘foreign’ in its origin than we thought…


A strange new world demands a great leader to guide its people, and maybe others to glory and greatness. Such insurmountable task can only be succeed by the greatest man in the world, and using his wits and unique demeanor, he shall shape the fate of both modern and fantasy world forever!

Content Disclaimer
The views and opinions expressed in this CYOA are parody for entertainment purpose, and they do not reflect or represent the views and opinions held by the author. He also did not wiretap anyone in case of random accusation without proof arise.

All characters and events in this show -- even those based on real people -- are entirely fictional. Everyone have a secret third name (that will never be mentioned) to help reader distinguish the difference from its real counterpart.

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Nyaa
Jan 7, 2010
Like, Nyaa.

:colbert:

Edit accident: some lost content are summarized.

There is always one handsome man to greet you in the morning, and that person is not your wife.


“Good Morning, Beautiful.” The you in the mirror greeted with wonderful, sincere enthusiasm. Yes, this handsome chap is you. Your commanding yet gentle firm voice are very suitable for this fabulous face. Many, and you mean MANY, beautiful women, achieved orgasm just from hearing a soft whisper of praise to them. That’s what they said, and you believe them. Why would they lie?


Gracing your eyes with this Golden Fleece-like wool of a highborn golden sheep of royalty, the hair shines under the sun and reflects back brilliant golden light brighter than the sun itself. This fine piece of mane is your personal treasure to show the world that you are no mere simpleton, but a successful businessperson who can get things done the way you like. Not even your much beloved wife and ex-wives are allow to touch this national treasure, and it is a Fact because:


You are the President of the United State of America.The Greatest President of All Time – Donald J. Trump.

“DONALD TRUMP!” You repeats your name to yourself in an attempt to hype yourself up for the day ahead. “I REPEAT AGAIN, DONAAAAAALD J~~~~~~~ TRUUUUUUUUUUUUMP!” You successfully announced your name like a wrestler candidate with a fabulous tongue roll to end it. It is a momentous feat that you are very proud to inherited from your father and you practiced a very long time to get it right.

“Try to remember, Trump.” You refocuses yourself to get down to business at hand after disposing the $4200 Reinast brand Luxury Titanium Toothbrush into the golden trash bin you brought from home to the White House bathroom. This place definite needs a major renovation to be more… Wealthy.

Your constantly busy business mind is now devoted to remember what you sees in the dream last night. A desert, a throne that you sat down and then what happened?

Edit accident: choice removed. Winning choice is K. Write-in

Nyaa fucked around with this message at 22:20 on Oct 11, 2017

Nyaa
Jan 7, 2010
Like, Nyaa.

:colbert:
Russian hotel wins.

Bernie's victory become minor canon.

Update tonight after i gather some pictures.

Nyaa
Jan 7, 2010
Like, Nyaa.

:colbert:

"Nobody who works 40 hours a week should be living in poverty!"

You are a man of passion who hates corruption and defy it at any opportunity. Never underestimate a guy from Brooklyn is your motto and like your city, you are tough on corruptions in Washington and the grasp of corporate influence on the very heart of the nation. However, despite the lower amount of donation to your war chest in your election, you have won against all odd. The republican candidate is such a joke compares to you – Berni-


“DONALD TRUMP!” You repeats your name to yourself in an attempt to refocus yourself again. “I REPEAT AGAIN, DONAAAAAALD J~~~~~~~ TRUUUUUUUUUUUUMP!” Once again, you have to shout to the mirror in the morning to get yourself together, literally against the raging headache. You have the strangest feeling of reality falling apart lately, and the person in the mirror is someone opposite of what you are. Something… Second best to you.

Panting heavily, you turn on the faucet to get yourself a cold shower. You hate it, but it is what helps you focus the best when your preciously baby soft skin screamed at the cold. It makes you feel real, constantly. God, this is all Mike’s fault for waking you up so drat early for a silly dream that everyone has.



The cold shower does wonder to your focus and you can finally remember what happened last night in your dream: You do not have a dream. You do, however, recalled why you don’t have a dream.

----------------------------------------------------
One weeks ago –Russian Hotel
----------------------------------------------------

“Heeey~ daddy.” A woman of ill repute dressed like a Russian Hooker said to your as she rub your mighty belly gently. She leans closer to your ear and whispers sweet pleading words, “come visit us again next time, ok?”

You gave the girl a good slap on the button to remind her of your male dominace. “Ya, ya, git going, ye whore.

Wanka, you think that’s her whore name, make a silly face at you before leaving with her two other bed buds. Finally, you’re alone in this nest where you can move on to mastur-

A loud knocking on the door surprised you, it is much harder than the usual maid. Is it the FBI? Someone in the congress? A male maid? What do you even call a male maid? Servant? Bah, who case. Whoever is knocking on the door is already opening the door with a key before you can answer. You of course, prioritized on getting on your pant and hope your Russian contact will arrives soon to haul whoever it is to the darkest jail for interrupting your ‘official business’.

The door swings open. Ah. You should had known.



“Dobraye ootro, Mister Trump.” Putin greeted you in his maid dress… Again. “It means good morning in your silly language, dear.” His gay feministic low tone vocal bothers you a lot as a conservative man of god, but more so because you are forced to associate with this… Man.

“Yes, I know! You told me many time!” You retort him with firm commanding voice to establish as the alpha male in the room. Well, it wasn’t that hard when the other male dressed like a maid. It is a secret fetish of Putin to dress as feminine during your moment as much as possible, and likes to shares this secret to other world leader because no one want dare to risk a nuclear war in order to reveal something awful. He knows that, and that is why he do it. To get release from the stress of maintaining his image is a MAN of Russia. The leader who went bare chest in his vacation and brawl with bears to victory with 300% volka in his hand and AK on his other. He deeply hated this poo poo, and how he secretly envy your success in America to be free to be what you are. It might also be why he goes all out on the openly gay Russian in his domain. What a sick freak! Why are you stuck with in relation with this madman!? This is like the darkest timeline of Russia or something!

“Sooo, How the services, mister Trump?” He hummed a little to your tough ‘tense’ respond before asking with discerning eyes on long lashes.

“Fine, but not as good as the Japanese.” You commented about the local product. “Are Russian women always so rough?”

Putin lifts a hand to hide his smiles. Disgusting. “Fufufu, oh silly Trumpy. In Soviet Russia, Woman are the Man-in-charge.”

You raised an eyebrow of doubt at the answer, but then agreed to the answer with the man-maid in your sight.Annoyed at the other side going that far to prove a point in your mind, you go on to the main topic. “What do you want?”

Putin lowered his hand to reveals a widened grin on his face. He looks like a clown with all those make-ups on his face, but you obviously will not point that out because the last person who do so are now hanging somewhere underground. He held his hairy chest high with both his hand on back for a military salute as he explains his purpose here. “My greatest friend~ I merely wishes you would have a little cerebration party over a conference web meeting next week.” He clears his throat to signal two men-in-black to bring in a brief case and opens it to your view. “A vintage treasured vodka from the 1800s.” He detailed the rarity of the priceless gift.

Your businessperson eyes can tell this the real deal drink of the century that might be worth billions. A gift so grand must come with a greater proposal. “What’s the catch?” You asked him all businessman-like.

“No catch, my friend.” Putin reply as he feathers his finger to have the MIB leave the room. “It is merely a cerebration to your grand victory to become the most powerful man in the world!” He does little girly claps. “Next week would be the 100th years old for this fine aged brew and I wish to drink with you on that same night as brothers of prosperity and greatness.”

A relational gift. You conclude to yourself. You have received many gifts and bribe over your lifetime. As your position rise, the greater the gifts and donation becomes. This is what must be a gift worthy of a president.

“Sure.” You close the briefcase as a gesture of accepting it, but pretend to not find the gift as valuable as you thought. Being indebt too much to someone could be troublesome down the line, but this Vodka is acceptable… After you make sure that it wasn’t poisoned.

And it wasn’t! Your science people verified that it is indeed a vintage vodka nearly the age of 100th! So you pop that sucker open and cerebrate the fine drink with Putin over a laptop meeting. You almost forgotten to attend the meeting if Bannon didn’t come to remind me.

---------------------

You steps out of the cold shower, completely forgotten to turn off the faucet as you ponder what happened and what to do next.

1) What should you do?
A) Call the Surgeon General and Military Adviser for advice.
B) Schedule press conference
C) Go back to sleep immediately!
D) Call Putin now!
E) Ask Bannon for thoughts
F) Ask Mike for thoughts.
G) Write-in

2) Also, who is getting the blame for this dream thing? Blaming others is the first step respond for all successful politician, so who will be the sacrificial sheep this time?
A) Russia
B) Random Middle Eastern Country with history of terrorism
C) Chain
D) ISIS
E) Democraft and the rogue agent of CIA
F) Denial of the dream existence as a hoax like global warming even though everyone experiencing it everyday.
G) A certain group of minority people instead. [Write-in]
H) Write-in

Nyaa fucked around with this message at 22:22 on Nov 21, 2017

Nyaa
Jan 7, 2010
Like, Nyaa.

:colbert:

alpaca diseases posted:

wait is Bernie prez or was that the fever dream/timeline trying to fix itself?
:iiam:

Nyaa
Jan 7, 2010
Like, Nyaa.

:colbert:
You step out of your bathroom butt-naked with steam flowing out like you are an angel descending from heaven to give the holy message to the pitiful Mike Pence. He is visibly shaken every single time you do that, and that is a proper respond of awe to you.

“I am ready to bring the message to the American People.” You said calmly with full hint of divinity of your divine mission.

“Wh-what… Are you revealing your dream to the press!?” Mike dropped his handkerchief he was using to wipe the sweat off his nervousness – clearly, from your intimidating alpha manhood. Tis, tis, if this is The Apprentice, you would had FIRED this weakling. Then again, you enjoy his submissiveness to your authority and amazing display ofpower.

“No, you fool. “ You spread your hand wide upward as if you were praising god as you explains to the lesser insect before me. The motion also relaxed the tightly held chest muscle of your manly chest to recede back toward the sides.“I already KNEW what the dream is about, and I-“ You paused to considers why am I wasting my breath on one person. He will know what I have to say when I spoke it in the pressroom anyway. “Start the press now.” You ordered.

Mike opens his mouth, close it, and then open it again, but no voice comes out before he sighed heavily to regain his composure at my greatness. “Sir, your Press Secretary – Sean Spicer, is already reassuring the nation about the dream. I suggest we go ov-“ The vice president was interrupted by a fatherly firm push as you begin to walks toward the pressroom. You already lectures him to call you “Mister President” instead of “sir”. That kind of address is for military and nerdy British people.

“Mr. President! MR. PRESIDENT!” Mike seems to cheers you from behind with great enthusiasm. Now that is more like it as you speed up your pacing into a full America runner sprint into the pressroom.

BAM! You slam open the door into the pressroom to everyone’s surprises. Now that is a proper Hollywood entrance if you ever performed one.

“Mr. Tru-“ Sean tries to address you, but you SHOVE him off the podium. You are already tired from speaking for the rest of the day, and this press speech will be the last thing you want to speak to today. Goddamn, it is cold in here, temperature wise. Everyone’s emotion is also frozen in awe, but you don’t have time for Chit-chat. Your great wisdom shall be spare for these fake news folks.

“Listen.” You grip the podium table strongly. “I know what the source of the dreams is.” Many awestricken faces begins to reform into interest and curiosity. Many cameras flashes for a lot longer than usual. Good, you got their full attention. “It is a HUGE thing, BUT we are not going to foolishly tip our hand on the deal because we have a plan, a HUGE PLAN, it is very fabulous plan, you will LOVE IT, top men are working on all this business as we speak, they all LOVED IT, just the numbers alone, they are really, really phenomenal.”

Confusion fills the room for clarification and some other questions you can’t hear, but you don’t want to answer any stupid question for these fake news anyway.So you only drop a strong hint of “Hillary uses black magics” and you walk the hell out of the pressroom to leave Sean to deal with the fallout.

At the hallway, you sees Mike holding a towel. Why is he holding your towel? Oh. You forgot to dress up.

1) What should you do with this mishap?
A) Cover it up as someone who imitate the president naked.
B) It’s all part of the HUGE PLAN
C) Fake news photoshopped you naked
D) Hillary’s black magic!
E) Everyone is actually dreaming!
F) Embrace the truth, people! This is what I have to offer for the nation. You all should be happy of the sacrifice that the president who are willing to go through to protect the nation from the foreign influence that caused him to be naked like this. Yes, it is through the goodness of my heart and courage of servitude to this beautiful, beautiful, country, that he make this sacrifice for the prosperity of generations to come.
G) Ignore it. You have greater problem to deal with now.
H) Write-in

2) What should you do next?
A) Call some people for advice
B) Go back to sleep
C) Get an update of the world
D) Call Putin
E) Ask someone for thoughts
E) Write-in

Nyaa
Jan 7, 2010
Like, Nyaa.

:colbert:
“Why are you holding a MY towel?” You asked Mike.

“S-Mr. President, you should wear something.” He answered as he hands you the towel.

“Wear a towel!?” You knock the towel off his hand and it flew backward towards his face with your well-soaked manly stain. You feel extremely satisfied at your display of authority and marking your scent on him like a property.

Mike pull his face away from the towel as fast as he could and breathe in two deep breath of fresh air before he can reply. “S-sorry, Mr. President, I will get your cloth asap!”

“Why should I wear more cloth?” You questioned the sanity of your vice president. Maybe he should be FIRED after all…

“Be-because you are n-?” Mike can’t finish saying ‘naked’ before you push the towel in his hand towards his mouth for a mouthful of your manly stench. It must be the best kiss he ever had in his whole live, he should be thankful for your aid to his pitifulness.

As Mike gag and chock painfully at the invading manhood, you continues slowly like a father explaining to his beloved child about how to use a fork and spoon. “Listen, Mike.” You tries to get the attention of the man who is still overwhelmed by your fatherly aura, “Listen.” You grip his shoulder tightly to make his focus, which he finally able to face you eyes-to-eyes. “Mike, I have been wearing clothes the whole time.” You readjust your invisible new brand of red tie (made in china) just to prove the point.” His bewildered stares at your motion shows he just realized the extra-long tie is there for the first time, which confirm your suspicion. “Only fools can’t see this cloth because Hilary casted some black magic to make it so.”

Mike looks at you with a face that you can only describe as “OMG! HE IS RIGHT! ME DUMB!” all over his face. He let out of long sigh at how many more people you have to enlightened, but as the head of the political family, you should at least praise your second in command for getting it faster than your average fools should. You lean uncomfortably close to his ears and whisper:


“Good.”

(Now imagine Trump not wearing cloth in the pic)

Then you walks away, considering changed into another cloth in hope of it not touched by the foul magic of Hillary. You don’t know how she did it, but you will have a call with the sick freak Putin just in case she is working for him. They are both women after all.

After changing into a new cloth and verifying with the confused agent outside your door of whether he can see your cloth or not, you happily sit back at your presidential desk. You are in the mood for some KFC or Burger King, so some secret agents was send to get both.The fast food that you are willing to stomach for the sake of your country. SAD.

You dial the Russia speed dial number: 69. That creep will sexual harass the hell of anyone as much as possible, but you are a TRUE Christian, plausibly a direct decedent of some great biblical figures, so such indecent advance at him will never work!

The ring tone went on and went for a long while without anyone answering.

You waited longer for the goddamn she-male to pick up the call, but he is clearly too busy having an orgy with pigs or something. Hopefully, his secretary will pick up soon.

The line went dead from expiration.

Steve Bannon - your chief strategist rushed into your room to tell you something important enough to interrupt your call. In fact, you tend to get drowsy when any of these ‘strategist’ started to talk.

To be honest, you don’t really know what most of these White House cabinet position do, and you just hand them out to people you trust or whichever CEO make the highest bid. You suspect most of them don’t know what they are doing as well, but they are rich people, and rich people are smart. You can’t stay rich by being dumb after all, so you chuck all their screw up to inexperience and will eventually not be a problem in the future. You still have nearly 2000 vacancy waiting to be fill by these highly motivated and hardest workers of America, but the bids and favor is slowing down from the bad rep of these fake news. Your businessperson mind is proposing a buy one get one free deal to help this filling business, but you don’t want to come out as cheap.

“Mister Trump! Mister Trump!” Bannon urged your sense back to reality. He sighed, remember how you prefer he phrase his report. “Problem. World leaders are missing.” He paused for a second to let your mental vitality to recoversbefore continues. “Taiwan, Japan, UK, France, India,China’s… and others.” He seems to run out of names in his dictionary for world geography or gotten tired of reciting country name like a fifth grader.

Hmm… Intriguing. How should you respond to this world crisis?
A) Get some group advice and get more details
B) Do another press conference. [write-in]
C) Go back to sleep. It must have something to do with the dream thing
D) Get your top researcher to figure out what is going on
E) Ignore this and get ready for your fast food
F) Find and jail Hillary for her BLACK MAGIC!
G) Write-in

Nyaa
Jan 7, 2010
Like, Nyaa.

:colbert:
Warning: The following update induces hunger.

“Arrest Hillary.” You give Bannon the command, fully expecting him to handle all the paperwork and administrative echo needed to make this happen.

Bannon eyes went wide in surprise at the sudden demand. “Arrest Hillary Clinton?” He asked for confirmation.

“Yes, she is behind all these mess. Arrest. Her.” You pronounce your order clearly to your chief advisor with crystal-clear authoritive tone.

A smile quickly spread across Bannon’s face and eventually reveals white set of perfect teeth at the news of Clinton getting arrested. After all, Bannon hated women more than a jealous wife with an unfaithful husband. More than that, he believes women “Suck at interviews, “Birth control makes women unattractive and crazy”, “a bunch of dykes”, and most often can be heard him whispering “Kick her rear end.” A classical conservative man who understood the true value of woman and their ONLY place in kitchen and their ONLY place in kitchen. Who else would cook a good meal and give the men a good shoulder massage?

“Right away, Mr. President! Hilary will know she have no place in politics!” Bannon exclaimed with great enthusiasm. He was about to bolt to the FBI, but remember to ask, “Did the Secret Service found evidence of her wrongdoing? The FBI would need evidence to file the charge.”

“Black Magic.” You told Bannon and repeats. “Black. Magic.”

Bannon is stunned by the reply. Black Magic? His smile slowly fade away at the revelation of the so-called evidence. “Are you sure, Mr. President?”

“Don’t make me repeat it the third time, John.”You cautioned Bannon with rapidly depleting patience.

Bannon wants to point out his first name is Steve, but there’s more important issue at hand. To him, the president is the greatest man of America who won the hearts of millions of American; he is like the second coming of Christ for the conservative who can restore the value of God to the people. If he, the president, said he have evident of Black Magic performed by Hilary Clinton in lieu of all this mass dreaming of desert that might be magical in nature, it all makes sense to him. How else would a woman get so high up in the political ladder without the help of men and bed-favors? Indeed, he aren’t chosen as the chief strategist of the greatest country in the world for being close-minded. After all, god gave Solomon magic in the Bible, so magic and demon have to be real. This is some first class information that Mr. Trump have entrusted to him, and he must fulfill his duty as the right-hand-man to the man who will save America. He will get the FBI if not the local police to arrest her even if he have to lie because it is hard to convict someone on charge of Black Magic. He will think of something.

Bannon’s concerning stares slowly turns into that of determination and admiration as he gave you a solid salute before stepping out of your room. You, of course, return the salute as if he is a soldier who is going to his last battle and he knows he will never come back. It might be time to consider a new candidate for his position.

But first, breakfast.


You told the door guard outside to hang the “DO NOT DISTURB” sign and refuse anyone else besides Bannon. You loves your private eating time, but you like it more for the news of Hilary Clinton beingin jail.

-------------


Ahhh, KFC, KFC, why are your offering so beautiful?


This drumstick. Beautiful.


These chicken strips. Fantastic.


This burger from Burger King. A food most deserve of the King, baby!



0. Next, this salad…. WHAT THE CHRIST!? WHO ORDERED SALAD!?
A) Demand the guards to know how is responsible for this! He will get the most lonesome lecture of his entire life!
B) FIRE the person who ordered salad for breakfast!
C) Ignore this gravest error. You are too hungry to care. Way too hungry.
D) Wri-


Ohhhh… New flavor of soda. You sluuuuuup it up to get a blast of the new flavor…. It’s like a mix of… Mountain Dew and… Your medicine.


At least it goes well with these nuggets. Oh yess, you are in heaven. God intended this. It is all God’s work. The fast food industry must get a tax cut for these amazing products!


Ahhh…. You are all refreshed for any work and ready to sleep till noon. You slurp hungrily at the last layer of panacea from the plastic bottle.

“Mr. President.” Bannon returns sooner than you thought. You always knew the FBI is ready to arrest Clinton.

“Give me the good news.” You smile with elevated mood for the news to make your day.

Bannon is hesitant, which mean it is bad news. It seem he is not long for the job. However, it is not all bad news as he reports, “The FBI told me Clinton and Obama is missing from their home. Their family reported it.”

Th-this is great news! They must have ran away knowing you are going to arrest them for Black Magic! drat those leakers! Wait a minute, you only told Bannon about this…

1) Could your most trusted advisor be a leaker?
A) Fire him after all this is resolved
B) Fire him NOW
C) Keep him, his wits is still useful. It’s a shame for his loyalty though.
D) Keep him, you trust him to not be a leaker. You merely got wiretapped by the dammed Obama.

2) As for what to do next…
A) Ask Bannon for advice
B) You are getting sleepy. It’s time for your ‘scheduled’ noon nap.
C) Do another press conference.

3) Your thoughts is interrupt by the urge to tweet, should you?
A) Yes
B) No
C) Never ask this again, ALWAYS YES.

2, cont.) Ok, back to your other thoughts…
D) Get your top researcher to figure out this mess
E) Get a priest to protect you from Black Magic
F) Write-in

Nyaa fucked around with this message at 00:30 on Apr 11, 2017

Nyaa
Jan 7, 2010
Like, Nyaa.

:colbert:

You SHOVE the salad to spill and litter all over the floor. That should send enough message for NO SALAD to that VEGAN. Then you readjust the position of the drumstick box and strip out of habit to be focal to your symmetrical perfect perspective point of view. Now you can consume this fine piece of morning breakfast like a man.


Firmly grasp the drumstick, display great manly aggression, and devour like an alpha… Ohhhh… New flavor of soda…


After your righteous feasting and Bannon’s news return, you find him to be NOT GUILTY as a possible leaker. After all, you hand picked him for his loyalty. There’s simply no way they would ever betray your trust, and your perceptive judgement would not have failed you in regards to your picks. It is impossible for you to be wrong, for you are TOO BIG TO FAIL!


Logically, that only further affirms your other suspicion. Obama DID wiretapped you! You were only trying to spread some alternative facts to slander, distract, and hopefully recreates the Nixon Era wiretapping scandal that literally the worst thing to ever ruin a presidency. But you now truly believes it so with rising evidences along with Michael Flynn – your national security advisor, personally informed you of his ‘secret source in the White House’ that Obama did tapped you! As mention before, you TRUST your handpicked advisor! They are loyal and capable people who you know would not make such claim if not having mounting evidences to back their daunting claims!It’s a shame that he needs more time to gather more damning evidences to round up the whole secret operative and backers of Obama. God speed to that patriot!


However, it is too late now. Obama and Clinton has bailed. They are now missing and probably hiding within ISIS or Mexico.

“What should we do now, John.” You asked the advisor in front of you for suggestion.

Steve Bannon replies, “As you said, Mr. President, it can’t be a coincident that all these dream happened and they went missing at the same time.” He rubs his chin, dots connecting and disconnecting in his mind for woman conspiracy, and finally it all connected to him. “Remember the news about witches casting ‘mass spell’ to curse you?


Trump’s sleepy eyes awakened in full force of light-bulb lightness at the reasoning. Yes, of course! Since Black Magic is real, then these witches spell must be the only reason that your administration has suffered so much! The illusion of people at the rally, the harshness of the press, and the strangely low poll numbers! It’s all Black voodoo magic.It. All. Makes. Sense.


Clinton are part of the witch convent who also intentionally leak information on email, and Obama’s African ancestry matches with the voodoo part of the equation along with the wiretap. It. All. Makes. Goddamned. Sense.

You slams your angry fist-of-make-sense on your breakfast table, fully intending to break it in half; unfortunately, it is not made in China. Then you points your finger at Bannon and give your direct order as the commander in chief: “Arrest all participating witches, round every one of them up and interrogate them! Also get our top researcher to figure out these magic poo poo!”



By God, you need a priest, fast.

---------------

--------------


Elder D. Todd Christofferson, if that long rear end name isn’t impressive enough, he is also known as the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. That’s a lot of ink on his business card. Surely, a priest with such lengthy prestige (and most importantly, white) would know how to dispel and protect you against Black Magic.

“Good to meet you again, Mr. President.” Christofferson arrived within two hours after your call for his service. He is a respectful and great man who command the masses with great authority and wisdom of God. Even here, his holy presence can you felt holily like a warm sunlight on your skin, providing plentiful of Vitamin H.

“I need your help, great Elder.” You hesitated a bit in your speech as you are not accustomed to asking for help so readily, but the service is free on the other end makes it easily on your kind and modest heart. “Hilary has casted Black Magic on me. I need blessing and protection.” You voiced respectfully, but also with a firm negotiating tone that remind him that saying “No” is not an option.


Christofferson let out a small sigh and seem to be disturbed greatly by something judging from his pained expression. Surely, he felt the dark magical aura that is infecting your very being at this very moment! He closed his eyes and offers a LONG prayer to you with a bunch of words that is mostly praising god in his glory and make the three-point gesture a couple time to ask God to provide relief for “this sick child”. Then, he took out a Bible and handed it to you before saying to you in the gentlest voice: “Worry not for the curse no more, and hold this Bible close to you in remembrance of God, for God will protect his faithful.”

The priest promptly excused himself to leave without more words. That’s good. You like busy working people who knows to perform their service and leave without wasting other people time like a top class prostitute.


Now that your curse is broken and the Bible/God will protect you against foul magic, what should you do next?
A) Wait for reports. Watch some tv and movie.
B) Go to sleep.
C) Ask someone else for advice
D) Boy, you sure have done a lot this morning! You can hardly think of more things to do! [write-in]

Nyaa
Jan 7, 2010
Like, Nyaa.

:colbert:
Note: All golf term are bolded for the sake of you ignorant masses who can't participate in the greatest sport in the world because you are poor or ignorant.


You need to get some fresh air. This place smell too much like salad and it is making you uncomfortable.


Thankfully, your Ace pilot with his double Eagle medal will fly you to a place that is All Square and clean as an Apron.

Golf Term Total : 4


The country will surely miss you when you are Away to the Back Tees of the country with your helicopter appropriately named - Ball Marker – currently delivering you to the Trump National Bedminster at New Jersey. The top 100 golf course in America that you own, but now managed by your family because the president can’t interferes by his own business. The only business you can manage and own, is your family.

Golf Term Total: 7


The helicopter Ball Mark so low to the ground that it cause sands to spray all over the local tourist at the beach and make them scatters like Birdies, but the greatest satisfaction comes to you from ruining some dude’s Best Ball throw that would surely get him laid tonight. SAD BOGEY BITE.

Golf Term Total: 13


What is a relaxing golf without a good old tournament with your rich white friend betting with each other for at least a million dollar minimum bin? And boy do you have a lots of friends who are willing to drop everything they were doing to play golf with you on the call! In fact, they already formed the tournament Bracket as you arrives on heli.


“Hail to the President.” Greg Norman tips his head as he walks over for a handshake. He is your decade-long Australian golf buddy that you trust more than anybody not immediately come to mind.

“Good to see you again, Greg.” You exchanged a manly handshake with great friendship with each other that would make the ladies yelps in happiness. “How much is in the Cup now?”

Greg waves his hands flat down around his chest as he specify, “Casual Water Level.”


You whistle out unlike the Chipping noise of a bird. That level on a betting pot means you all are going all Dance Floor so Deep into the Divot that we will need a Divot Repair Tool after this is over. You can’t even afford a Double Bogey with this level of serious competition.

Golf Term Total: 23


The golf field has recently suffered a heavy rainfall, but the personnel worked hard to make sure the swamp are Drained. You are very serious about keeping a good image for the place you managed. Won’t want to hit a Duff shot because of some silly Duck Hook curve the ball into wet soil.

Golf Term Total: 26


“Well, well, if it isn’t the President himself.” The familiar voice rings through your ear like an alarm clock (made in China) that you wish to smash into pieces with your fist. The voice of your biggest rival at golf – Mike Keiser. A fellow Billionaire who own 11 golf courses compares to your 18, but his course was rated higher some lovely raters who doesn’t appreciate American eagle flying on your course. The same BIAS people who set the Etiquette standard and love their tiny little Executive Course for babies. You hope those Fat Flyer would Fade away along the Fairway on the First Tee and never come back! GIMME FRINGE HANDICAP WAHHHH!

Golf Term Total: 36

“Was the political stress toooo much, missssterprez?” Mike Keiser mocks you as he usually do, and his gang of fake friends boo and jeers with the Fore signal of their leader. That man is like a Forward Tees that loves to stands out from the norm and his dick only Get Up from Honors and Green Fee. “Does the big boy Fly The Green all the way here to get some Hot weather? D.C. too cold for your baby skin?”

Golf Term Total: 43

Oh, he will get some grand Grounding with a Hook through his Lip where he will Lie on a Loft in Modified Scramble for forgiveness! You walks up to Mike with your hat turned backward to display aggressive showing of challenge between alpha male. “Let’s do a Match Play.” You suggested to his face. His rally of fake friends goes “ooooohhhhhh”!

Yes, it is down. It is down like a Pin on the ground and no Pitching will ever bring this Out Of Bounds ball back into the field.

Golf Term Total: 52

Mike bits his lips and lick hungrily at you with wolfish eyes. “Playing to my strength, eh?” He sniffed at the wild pollen in the air and continues to exhales poisonous words at you.“Maybe you need a Mulligan more than giving me an edge like that.” He purrs darkly as he emits a breath of death air that encircles your imagination that would turns this golf course into a battlefield of darkness if this is a world of fantasy golfing. “You are going to regret this on the Nineteenth Hole.

“Who said we are going nineteen?” He lean closer to be able to smell his terrib-actually refreshingly nice minty breath, but you won’t tell him that. Anyway he have a shocked face, but that minty breath is ruining your mental immersion of the drat situation, goddamn it. “I like them sweet sixteen.”

Mike stares at your doubling down with growing smiles that including gradually slow nods with calculating stares. “You are Playing Through with a dangerous game.” He make a hands flicking gesture at his goonies, “Add another Pull Cart of million dollars into the cup.” He stares at you, waiting for your bid.

Golf Term Total: 57

How much would you throw into the pot?
A) Standard one million of Pure cash
B) Punching The Greens with two millions, double the usual amount. Same as Mike.
C) Call in the Ranger! You just made a rare bin of three millions!
D) You are Ready Golf for four millions! The price of this whole golf course!
E) Regulation, In here now! Someone just bid for five millions! This is going into Guinness Record!
F) This is Rough on your spending budget, but six millions! You will feel poor if you lose your casino, which is the same price.
G)You will have to Scamble around equity and Shank for liquidation for many of your business! Ten millions!

Really, you would have to reschedule the tournament for a later time if you wish to sell more of your assets or write up law-binding property/business transfer contract if you want to bid higher.The trust have long been burned when someone in the past refused to pay for promised debt they own. That damned liar triggered a Shotgun Start to his Skull and now Sit in the Smoked Snowman’s Solheim Cup.

Golf Term Total: 69

Nyaa fucked around with this message at 12:31 on Apr 13, 2017

Nyaa
Jan 7, 2010
Like, Nyaa.

:colbert:

Volmarias posted:

Bedminster is like an hour from the shore, you ruined my immersion by saying that he landed at the beach :argh:
Changed to flying so low to the beach that the poor pleb suffers for not going to the artificial beach/swimming pool 30 mins away that offers excellent paid services.

Nyaa
Jan 7, 2010
Like, Nyaa.

:colbert:
You mean we don't make a detour to gently caress up some beach goer on our R&R time?

Nyaa
Jan 7, 2010
Like, Nyaa.

:colbert:
Bad news, i have reached the end of the golf term list before the tournament even started.

Nyaa
Jan 7, 2010
Like, Nyaa.

:colbert:
Without a golf glossary book to guide me on writing a golf tournament, i might have to... have to... use other books...

Nyaa
Jan 7, 2010
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:colbert:
I knew i have forgotten to add back that Provisional Ball

Nyaa
Jan 7, 2010
Like, Nyaa.

:colbert:
Screw Mike Keiser! You are not just a real estate tycoon anymore! You are a leader of the free world! You own America! Your republican friends own the law! If you need money, they will pass some tax cut for you! This is your money, and you are going go all-in even if you have to live in a Sand Bunker filled with Sand Traps to ward off those drat illegal. You don’t like stairs anyway!


“Fi-“ Mike interrupted your bet by declaring, “I RAISE ANOTHER ONE MILLION!” Gasps and awes spreads throughout the land of golfing. A ranger was call in to register the rare contribution to the bidding pot. All the attention is on Mike Keiser, the most generous golfer of the month!

You can’t have that. YOU WON’T LET THAT MAN HAVE THE GLORY! Enraged by the dammit rival for trying to steal your thunder, you fire up a bunch of calls to liquefy your assets into payable cash. You raise your arm high with the thumb and pinky up to signify the number six. When everyone’s gaze of disbelieve gathers at your hand, you proudly declares your bid. “SIX MILLIONS DOLLARS!”

The ranger dropped both his pen and notepad at the declaration. Some may even have shitted their pants. Regulators have to be called into to control the riot of joy before they can verify with the bank that indeed, six millions dollar of cash are being shipped here. The hateful glare of Mike is the most satisfying relief you have in decades! This high of power and greatness is the best! So many praise and support of you honorable bidding! You are the greatest!

Deep down, you know all these will be reversed if you fail to reclaim your wealth. A fate that might drove you to suicide.

The stake is high like a Starter Sticks give a fine Stroke Play to a lady at her Sweet Spot. You can Tap-in Thin with The Tips and The Turn will make her mind goes Up and Down the Woods fills with Yips and yelp all the way into the Worm Burner Zone.

… What did you just went over in your head just now? You are quite sure that you were thinking golf, but maybe you got so high that you can’t help but recalls those Russian Harlots when trying to think up manly thoughts to pump up for this tournament. Alas, you should visit them again on the next R&R.

Golf Term Total: 81

*In the fantastical mind of your brain, you have reached the end of the Golf Term Book to describe events that have occurred up to this point. It is with great dissatisfaction that the intricacy of golf ended before the start of the tournament event. In one angry brain fart of traumatic energy, you spend the rest on thinking about hoes instead. Now your brain is free, to choose the new narrative device to transcribe the following event. However, the closest book you have in reach is the holy one in your hand.*

And so God said to his son, Donald J. Trump, “let there be golf Tournament.” Cheer and joys are the fellow golfers cerebrated for the blessing of God of this very fine gift. That it begun.

Chorus of live singing angels sings their soulful song through the speaker throughout the golf field at $193 dollars per hour to ease the restful soul of the rich and pure (white) men. Their song never cease for their love of god and money. It through the love of god, and the generosity of his son, that the disappointed child of God, Mike Keiser, gets to venture first in his name. His posse applauds the first vanguard to face the holy task of God in with a stick in hand.

Mike slams with all his might at the ball prepared by angel. It is through God’s will that he succeed in such endower, and it is through fear, that the child performed well to please his eternal father in heaven. The ball landed in green, but far from hole.

The Golden Child of God is next to arrive in his brother footstep. He too, wield a stick intended to hit the ball prepared by God himself. For he loves this child more.

Trump remembers God’s love in his name, and through his greatness, the love extends to his love of money. All these prize money in the cup allure the great chubby son greatly in his mind, pressuring him like a demon curse to be surpass his brother. He strike the ball.

The chorus of the world lowers its volume in sadness. God weeps for his proud son faced with the herculean task of ball landing in sand, but closer to hole. Mike, the awful son of god, breathe a sigh of relief that did not escaped the eyes of God. His sinful display of smiling at his brother’s tatter performance can be seen throughout the heaven and hell. Even Satan boos at such traitorous wrench for his self-love over the suffering of his brother.

Yet, not all hope is lost. For the work of God is plentiful, and have Consuela, the foreign illegal daughter of Mexican descendent to drive by in a drink cart to provide relief for the greatest son.

Trump gratefully accepts the new flavored Soda in God’s name, and promptly fired Consuela. Ahh… Now he feels much better. In his blood clotting heart, the child thank god for this kind blessing and pray for the poor woman of her safe returns to the kitchen as God intended. After all, collage intern of white descent should be the one to handle the task of golf relief.

As the greatest son receives its reliefment from God, the terrible brother continues his journey forward without looking back. He strike the ball again, seeking to reach the hole, and alas, that it did, but only closely. It is assured that his third strike will make it to the hole.

Trump, under the wings of God’s protection and love, proclaimed this will be the final showdown, the apocalypse, the judgement day. For it is said that on this day and moment that the prophet angel of God has prophesize: “On the 7th round where brother has both scored equally till this point, one son shall rise and success without further draw.”

Now is that decisive moment. Six round passed, and this final shot from the sand will determine the fate of the world, to make this difficult sand hook shot into the hole by the greatest son.

Can he do it?
A) Yes
B) No
C) Demon is afoul as the ball knocks the other balls into the pond.
D) Write-in God’s word.

Nyaa fucked around with this message at 18:41 on Apr 13, 2017

Nyaa
Jan 7, 2010
Like, Nyaa.

:colbert:

Volmarias posted:

I'm not even sure what's happening anymore. Is this our victory we're deciding on? If so A
For this, yes. Unless you prefer me to roll some sort of dice or coin flip? Or through a more roleplaying involment method of bribing me?

Nyaa
Jan 7, 2010
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:colbert:

Outrail posted:

Jesus, either I had a stroke reading that or you had one writing it.
Or maybe Trump have a stroke? The self-stroking stroke?

Nyaa
Jan 7, 2010
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:colbert:

CourValant posted:

Who taught this to him?!?
The Russian girl actually... wait a minute...

Nyaa
Jan 7, 2010
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:colbert:
Did Putin...

Screwed you with a.. a..

Made in China product...?

:magical:

Nyaa
Jan 7, 2010
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:colbert:
The greatest president spent his valuable time dedicates himself to the nation. Even Friday, he work hard at internal relation in a serene green field. It is thus unfortunate that he can't update upon his beloved citizen with update and tweet.

You might ask, "Would the glorious greatest leader be available on the weekend?"

You should know the answers already: Mr. Trump takes weekend off.

Nyaa
Jan 7, 2010
Like, Nyaa.

:colbert:
Pope Francis sits humbly in his wooden chair, pondering the strangeness of the worldly dream that haunt all of mankind. It is most assuredly the sign of God’s divine act upon the world… Unless it is the dark sorcery of the devil? He is uncertain. Many opinion was swayed when the President of the United State claimed it is the work of a witch. More and more followers pours into the cathedral seeking for answers, and yet, God remain silent in his mysterious way. Reports of world leaders gone missing, and yet, President Trump is the only few that remain in earth. For what cause and purpose does this mean? Does God judge him to be worth of ruling the world? Or has he taken all that is worthy?

Then, a powerful strike like a golf club hitting a golf ball from a sand trap struck the Pope with a revelation that feels… Foreign in nature. He fell into deep slumber as if the golf club hit his poor-man-loving skull real good on the mark to give him a good old religious coma. His body fade away, and replaced by the more deserving pope who cares more about proper wealthy display of religious power and the safety of pedophile priest – Pope Benedict.

--------------

“THE TRUMP IS IN THE HOLE!” The announcer shouted with maximum paid excitement. “I REPEAT! THE TRUMP IS IN THE HOLE!”

Loud cheers from the Trump supporters side for the near-impossible Birdie shot from a sand-trap! Trump did it! He loving did it like Tiger Wood loving did it with his affair! With bravery and zero care for the oncoming reputation damage! Tales of his reckless gambling will be told throughout the world, and none will matters to his supporters because he won! HE WON! WOOOOOOO!

Mike Keiser was so angry, he snapped his golf stick in half and promptly hospitalized from the broken knee because golfing does not promote much muscle.

Ok, now you can stop giving a drat about golf with all your money intact and honor preserved. During the after party, your Australian friends and other friends chips in about the usual ‘influence gossip’ and exchanging favors. No one mentioned the part of you being naked on the news, but they did ask if magic is real. You told them, yes. Magic is as real as the Harry Potter movie having a real life theme park that you totally want to privatize for personal enjoyment and monetary gain later. They all laughed at that as if it was a joke.

Now that the internal business is done, you turn back on your White House cellphone after you taken your comfortable pillow seats in your government helicopter. A few more millions in your pocket, and a few less millions from the taxpayer who will pay for this trip and the ‘internal relation’ party. Win-win.

The cellphone rings. It’s Betsy Devos - your Secretary of Education. You refused her call. This will remind her of the alpha.

The cellphone rings again, it’s from: (Pick three to answers before you fall asleep)
A) Jeff Sessions – Attoney General
B) Gov. Nikki Haley – Ambassador to the U.N.
C) Betsy Devos – Secretary of Education
D) Wilbur Ross- Secretary of Commerce
E) Rep. Tom Price – Secretary of Health and Human Service
F) Elaine Chao – Secretary of Transportation
G) Steven Mnuchin – Secretary of the Treasury
H) Gen. James Mattis – Secretary of Defense
I) Ben Carson – Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
J) Gen. John Kelly – Secretary of Homeland Security
K) Scott Pruitt – Enviorment Protection Agency Administrator
L) Linda McMahon – Small Business Administration Administrator
M) Rex Tillerson – Secretary of State
N) Rick Perry – Secretary of Energy
O) David Shulkin – Secretary of Veterens Affairs
P) Ryan Zinke – Secretary of the Interior
Q) Mike Pence – Vice President
R) Reince Priebus – Chief of Staff
S) Stephen Bannon – Senior Counselor
T) Lt. General H. R. McMaster – National Security Advisor
U) Rep. Mike Pompeo – CIA Director
V) Someone from your family
W) Russia Harlot
X) Professor X – Leader of the X-Men as you like to call him by his stage name
Y) Your voice message reminder
Z) Write-in

Nyaa
Jan 7, 2010
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:colbert:

CourValant posted:

Why is Nikki Haley striked-out? I would have voted for her.
As mentioned, the strikes represent president trump's need to remind them women of who is the alpha. The only women that wasn't atrike out of the Russia Harlots who knows they are beta.

quote:

Also, I'm beginning to wonder about the purpose of this 'game'; why do I have a sneaking suspicion that is this actually an 'educational' initiative, aimed at teaching us about the Trump Administration?
This main plot of this game had long since derailed by write-in for golf and fast food breakfast. It has become educational too, i guess.

This information is provided to you by RussianLeak, your reliable source of dictatorial propaganda.

Nyaa fucked around with this message at 20:49 on Apr 17, 2017

Nyaa
Jan 7, 2010
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:colbert:

SniperWoreConverse posted:

I was gonna look up & post pics of the different possible callers, and somehow it all seems very ridiculous to me
There's already a bunch of picture list on google.

Nyaa fucked around with this message at 12:34 on Apr 18, 2017

Nyaa
Jan 7, 2010
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:colbert:

Outrail posted:

W, let's see if our wife has dug up anything from her contacts in red.
Which wife? And do you mean contacts in bed?

Nyaa
Jan 7, 2010
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:colbert:

Outrail posted:

Melina? How many Russian harlots have we married?

Contacts in red. The ruskis.
Your current wife Melina. Your ex: maria, and ivana.

Pretty sure you mean in bed because why else would you divorce those unfaintful wrenches for having such a perfect husband?

Nyaa
Jan 7, 2010
Like, Nyaa.

:colbert:
After refusing a couple more female callers or people with feminine name, a manly man name finally appeared on your cell: General John Kelly – Secretary of Homeland Security

: Have you heard the news, Mr. President?
: The one where I emerge total victory against Mike Keiser?
: … No.
: The one where I found out about Hilary Witchcraft?
: … Close enough, Mr. President. *Sigh* I am referring to the global disappearance of world leaders right after the emerging dream phenomenon.
: What did you find out, soldier?
: The army intelligent haven’t found out much about this… Mystical incidence. Our advice for you is: “Do not fall asleep for as long as you can.”
: That’s easy. Nothing can’t be solved with coffee… What about a nap?
: No. No naps. Keep yourself occupied with TV and other entertainment, but try not to fall asleep until we can gather more intel.
: Ok.
: John Kelly, out. *close call*
: Donald Trump, out! *close call*

Another rings immediately as you pushed the end call button. It’s your Russian Hoes. You already missed them, more than your family, they are nicer to you anyway, and so you answer their call.

: Zdrastvooyte, gospodin prezident.
: Privet detka.
: my skuchayem po tebe.
: Menya, tebya, kogda?
: *Laugh* Your Russian suck, mistah prezident.
: You are the one who suck, baby.
: *Chuckle* Listen baby, Prezident Putin is missing here, and our government is in riot without a dictator, so you might want to find someone to sleep with for a while.
: You can’t come over?
: You banned illegals, remember?
: But you are legal Russian, babe.
: No, I am actually Chinese-

The made-in-America cellphone in your hand slipped from your grip and fell off the helicopter where it will eventually stumble into a reporter’s hand later. More importantly, you are in shock that you associated with a Chinese product. Everything suddenly made sense in regards to her bedside manner and all the Chinese things she taught you. Putin has screwed you, royally.

You…
A) Cry Grief yourself to sleep
B) Shock into unconsciousness
C) Deep in thoughts till you fall asleep
D) Stay strong and don’t sleep
E) Write-in

Wow, look at these choices! Clearly, they are Russian/Chinese(?) trap to make you fall asleep?

Nyaa fucked around with this message at 01:00 on Apr 19, 2017

Nyaa
Jan 7, 2010
Like, Nyaa.

:colbert:
So far:
Sleep - 3
No sleep - 2
I sleep no but l lik sleep so i no sleep but last six month i sleep then i stay awake after i don't sleep - 1
BJ - 1

Nyaa
Jan 7, 2010
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:colbert:
I am thinking way to hard about whether a blow job would make trump fall alseep or not.

Nyaa
Jan 7, 2010
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:colbert:
If bj = sleep, we are tie 4 - 4

Nyaa
Jan 7, 2010
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:colbert:
You FREAK the gently caress out and begin tossing random poo poo off the captor window including your clothes! God drat it! It’s like you used cheap shampoo on your body and you just realized the stenches of bitches with their Chinese Wisdom all over! Hisss! HISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS! You howl aggressively like a defensive pacman frog getting feel up by a ghost! HISSSSSSSSSSS!

“Sir, Sir! Are you already?” The concerned helicopter pilot asked a dumb question for your tantrum.

“DO I LOOK LIKE I AM ALRIGHT!?” You squeeze your nipples half an inch from his eyes to show him the bitched stenches that will give him permanent PTSD flashback for the life of his STUPID LIFE!

“OH GAWD!” The captor shaken wildly from the momentary loss of control by the pilot, but he regained control after closing off the internal window to shut off visual communication with the biohazard.

HISSSSSSSSSsssss! You sits dejected. Like you got raped by a monkey, no, the monkey king because that is the best monkey in the world, and at least it is the best monkey that raped you. Your expensive is ruined like piss and you can’t wait to get a shower asap. You are not going to take a nap or sleep until you get that shower, and that Christofferson priest guy better get two-hour copter here come again to bless your shower. Hisssss. Until then, you look at the black Bible book that survived the tantrum discard, and rub it all over your body to purify yourself with whatever holy juice it have left.

You are more calmed now that you let off your frustration and holy wipe down. Your thought is clear as day again. Yes, this is all Hilary fault. Her Black Magic made you naked AGAIN! Hisssssss! An international manhunt must be declare to find her and that Obama voodoo priest that is clearly a secret Muslim head priest now that you think about it.

“Dear lord.” You come to the realization that Hawaii must have fallen into the influence of Obama to produce that fake birth certificate for him. You vaguely recall that is also the point where you started getting involved in this government election mess. Could it be that dark priest’s trap this whole time? Are you possibly a… Pawn of witchbama? Sweat pours from your precious pores at your serious thought of the implication. This madness goes deeper than you thought. Much, much deeper.

The helicopter lands. You stroll out naked without a care for the personnel’s concern. There is a bigger issue of the world at hand: Witchcraft.

As expected, someone is waiting in the oval office as you walks in naked. The man is Mike Pence. He seems surprised by your appearance, but got himself together quick enough. A sign of a capable man.

“… Black Magic, Mr. President?” He deduct the answer from your current state. He truly is your chosen right hand man. One that understood your habit and dealing. Though he dares not lowers his head to gaze at your manhood without possible thought of great personal shame. Sad.

“Yes.” You pat you his back to relief him of his great shame, but there is not much you can do for that man who works for the one chosen by god to have a greater manhood than thou. Sadly, the man gets tenser from the contact. You know how that feels; it is like getting a blowjob from Jesus according to your wife and ex-wives.

After a few uncomfortable moment where you took the time to sit your formidable rear end to permanently soil the presidential chair with your graceful contact forever, your homeboy Mike finally gathered himself enough to speak to you in regard to the overall finding of the dream and world events.


Everyone throughout the world reported dreaming a desert. Some walked endlessly without heat or hunger while some stood still at the same spot crying for help without any respond. Each person woke up at their own time and the desert came back whenever they fall asleep again. At of this reporting, the scientist has tasked world athlete to dream and try to run at a certain direction as fast as they could under sleep medication. Hopefully, they might see something new in the background beside more desert and sand.


They tried to bring or dream up object that can help the dreamer survey the landscape, but it seems only personal article like clothing get to stay with the person. People who sleep naked will go in naked though.


World Leaders among some other important figures are disappearing in they sleep. Many speculate that they are lost in the desert and can’t come back. It could be a scheme to kidnap world leader by someone, and more people are starting to wonder why you haven’t disappeared yet.


There is a rising speculation with reported rumor that being drunk while sleeping will prevent you from going into the dream and possibly prevent the world leader from disappearing.

-----------
Your left eyebrow raised and lowered to synchronize with the opposite action of the right eyebrow throughout the report to keep your vice president nervous as part of your trained facial movement to establish authority. Yet, at time of such… Mysterious news, your right eyebrow can’t help but stuck in its position. How you wish you could shoot eye laser to give him a good scare instead.

Anyhow, you have more questions. “Is the world thinking I was drunk last night?”

The wheels in Mike Pence’s mind grinds to a slower halting speed to process the special question to produce a slow “Yeee… ees” from his mouth.

“That’s not good for my reputation.” You told him from a businessperson point of view.

Bunch of prepared answers from Mike Pence’s brain discarded like cogs falling off the wheel. “Yes, Mr. President.” He is ready for a business lecture about the most concerning need of the president now. Everything else can wait. They can all goddamn wait.

“I want you-“ You places both your palms together like you are holding a small square box in front of you to demonstrate a thought that attracts focus. “-To announces to the media-“ You moves the imaginary cube air-lift style, “though Seanny-“ You refers to the nick name of your White House Press Secretary whom are the punching bag for the fake news, “-To tell them-“ You masterfully slide the imaginary cube with both hand to the left to illustrate distraction, “make sure everyone know I weren’t drunk.”

“Excellent point, Mr. President.” Mike have to swap a sweat off his forehead to absorb such a difficult to interpret information from the president. He doesn’t get the cube at all. He never does, but follow the movement anyway for the sake of keeping his boss happy.

Indeed. Your mood is elevated whenever you laid out a masterful plan of action most deserving of your seat.

“But-“ Mike’s concern are quickly abandoned as soon as he sees his boss’ brief flash of annoyance on his face. “I mean, well done, Mr. President. Umm… Ah… Would you be sleeping with alcohol tonight?”

A) Hell no! What did I say about not letting people think I am drunk!? What if I wish to experience this desert myself? Huh? Huuuuuh?
B) Yes. No way I am going to an awful desert.
C) Write-in.

You can ask Mike anything. The priest will be here to clean purify your bathroom later. We can… Skip the update about dinner… Then sleep, I guess.

Edit: image when i get home

Nyaa fucked around with this message at 00:33 on Apr 20, 2017

Nyaa
Jan 7, 2010
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:colbert:
Added image. Nothing special about them.

Nyaa
Jan 7, 2010
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:colbert:
Vote closed. :350:

Nyaa
Jan 7, 2010
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:colbert:
I would like to warn everyone of the drug-like experience that everyone are going to suffer tonight. :gonk:

Nyaa
Jan 7, 2010
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:colbert:
After Mike hastily leaves your room – what a hardworking man –, you hastily pull out your drawer for the special pills you brought back from Russia. No border security would dare to check the president, not even on the insistence of that goddamn Secret Service. Keep your hands to your dick, you liberal fetishist! You obviously have nothing to hide about the size of your junk, but they will surely leak the info out and the fake news will tell everyone that it is ten times smaller than it is! drat the first amendment! That’s the freedom to speech, right? Whatever! Hisssssss!

… Anyway, if getting mentally defective is the way to block out the dream, then you are BORN to use stronger than alcohol stuff to keep you brain occupied because you are just so smart. It makes perfect sense now that Putin is truly your friend who tried to help you stay away from the desert with that hundred years old vodka. It’s a shame that the alcohol is not enough for his dumb brain though… Or maybe he had fallen into some Chinese Manipulation, which explains their agents. Stay strong, comrade.


You swallowed two drugs that have ‘hero’ and ‘coke’ in its name. A name worthy of you and a flavor beloved by American. These top-notch premium 4/20 cut drugs came straight from Putin’s pocket and you trust those Chinese agent can’t have touched them.


It is time... Hmm, you seem to have forgotten something... Oh, well.


Leeeeeeeet’s Gooooooooooooooooooooo!

-------------------------------------


David Todd Christofferson was summoned to the White House all the way from Utah… Again. The two hours helicopter flight might not seem like a lot, but going back and forth is four hours total, and doing this twice a day equal eight whole hours serving Trump to his holy needs. David pray to the holy father for guidance on whether he should move to D.C. in these… Demanding times of supposedly “Black Magic” and insane fervor. He receives no reply as usual. No, no. God works in his mysterious ways that might seem like he is not there, but we all know he is constant listening and sometime unexplainable bad things happens to good people as part of his mysterious ways. It’s all God’s plan for him to suffer these (first-world problem) hourly long trips back and forth Washington.


There must be a reason God’s hand has chosen President Trump and he must have a greater role in this than warning others to turn away from the lure of Satan and keep telling everyone that everything will be better. He will have plenty of time to ponder with the strangely secluded pilot who usually have a lot to chat.


Getting into the White House isn’t a problem for him because his prestigiously name of David Todd Christofferson – Elder of Quorum of the Tweleve Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is well known to everyone here. They all know of the president constant needs for religious guidance in his difficult decisions as the President of the United State.

Feeling more positive with his grand role in the working of God, he were about to steps into the Oval Office when the Secret Service stopped him.


“Sorry, Elder. The Prez would like to be alone for the rest of the night.” The door guard explained.


David is confused. Why is he summon to the White House by the President, but not to meet with him? He stares to another guard and asks “Why?” in hope that it was a mistake that the other guard can clear up.


The other guard shake his head and says, “Umm, sorry, Elder, the President wished for you to clean-umm, purify his shower to produce holy water for his cleansing bath later.”


David’s mind can’t compute the instructions. It sounded like an odd task that he - David Todd Christofferson – Elder of Quorum of the Tweleve Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints – should not be summoned all the way from Utah to here. “Any local priest can do that!” He raised his voice to the two members of the Secret Service, and they lowers their head in speechless agreement. David is dumbstrucked. The only word he can produce from his mouth is “What the Fu-“

------------------------------------------------------


























: Oh, Jesus. People are bulling me Every.Single.Day.
: It is ok, my son. And call me by my real name Yeshua.
: But that’s Hebrew, and Jews are the bad guys. Hissss
: Shh… Shh… I forgive everyone. Except everyone whom hurts your feelings.
: Wahhh…
: Cry in my manly white chest, my son. Let me purify your sinful Chinese stain off your orange/yellowed soul!
: WAHHHHHHHHH!

---------------------------
David Todd Christofferson – Elder of Quorum of the Twelve Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints - can’t believe his eyes. The moment the secret service guards open up the door when they heard the screaming cries of the President like he is being assassinated, everyone’s concern is being replaced by awe and disbelieve.


Trump is hugging and sobbing on a white pillar… Upside down… Naked.




---------------------------


: Jeshua?
: Yes, my favored white boy?
: Everyone likes me, right? Billions of people showed up at my rally, right?
: Yes, my son. All the angel are there for you. Only the smartest and purest can see them.
: I knew it.
: You sure do.
: Jeshua?
: Yes, my most beautiful white boy?
: Can I lick your toe?
: No, stop hugging me.
: Wha...?

Jesus forcefully pull you away from his embrace and you tries desperately to grab onto the distancing Jesus

: Nooo, Yeehaaaa! I am not-sorry! Noooooo!

---------------------------

The guards have help David Todd Christofferson – Elder of Quorum of the Twelve Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints –to secure the president with robe and ties onto the Oval Office desk to bind the man who is clearly possessed by demon. Its foul tongue praised a foreign name of some entity that is not Jesus or God, and it latches out its tongue disturbingly like a devil with wide eyes. Its demon-controlled body shake with such inhuman intensity that is desperately trying to grab onto something into its demonic embrace while foam coming out of its mouth that spoke incomprehensible words of demon. Dear Lord, he must perform Exorcism now. For he - David Todd Christofferson – Elder of Quorum of the Twelve Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints - is the most qualified and this must be the will of God.

---------------------------

A bunch of demon suddenly appears in your sight. They are the invisible forces that pulled you away from your savior. Laughing loudly at your lost and torment, they watches you strangle with futile result. You keep screaming “DEMON!” DEMON!” and they laugh even louder with stronger grip on your body. Despite the pain that is enveloping your body, you struggle even harder than you ever struggled because you knew if you give up now, the demons will drag you to hell. You “HISSSSSSSSS!” with great anger at the foul demon managed to grab one of them by the neck and slam it on the desk with great force.

-----------------------

David Todd Christofferson – Elder of Quorum of the Twelve Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints watches in horror as the orange demon hissing with greater demonic intensity, and his sudden surge of demonic strength that can’t be normally produced by a normal human being is used to slam one of the agent’s head onto the desk. God bless his soul!


“BY THE POWER INSTILL UPON THIS BIBLE AND CROSS! I COMPELL THEE!” David tried to command the demon with the Bible and Cross, but only made the demon angrier with stronger self-affirmation of its existence by trying to reinforce its possession with similarly counter-chanting of “Weeee! Weeee!”

“Such tenacity!” David commented at the possibly high-ranking demon that has taken hold of the gentle kind man that he meet only this morning. If only he realized it sooner! If only he believe him about the Black Magic! “Oooh lord, please forgives my foolishness.” He whispered to himself softly. This is going to be a long night after a long rear end flight.

----------------------
More and more demons shows up and ties you with entrails of Chinese Women to make you filthier! How horrible! But your soul is pure! You just wanted to lick Jesus’ toe! You can do this! You can’t do this! You can’t do thissss! You face sobs terribly as the demon begin painting your beautiful white skin with foul orange colored liquid! You remember once adoring such color to appeal to the Latino audience, but you have long realized they are the color of demon and must be kick out of the border back to Mexico. How dare these demon remind you of your shameful ironic history! How dare they! HISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

-----------------------------------


“BY THE POWER INVESTED IN ME - David Todd Christofferson – Elder of Quorum of the Twelve Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints , I repeat!

“BY THE POWER INVESTED IN ME - David Todd Christofferson – Elder of Quorum of the Twelve Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints , I repeat!

“BY THE POWER INVESTED IN ME - David Todd Christofferson – Elder of Quorum of the Twelve Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints , I command thee to leave this body now covered in holy water!

It is working! The holy water is weakening the demon and making it cry! Such miracle of the lord! Oh bless you, Mr. Trump! David Todd Christofferson – Elder of Quorum of the Twelve Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints will get you free in a couple more hours!

------------------------------------

Lesson of the day. Happy 420.

-------------------------------------


Morning sunshine pierce through the curtainless window of the Oval Office. There lays a naked wet man tied up with layer of torn off curtain and some actual chains on the table. Many secret service members, some FBI, and most of the Republican members are resting themselves somewhere in the office. All tired from watching the epic exorcism of last night’s battle against the possessed demon.

David Todd Christofferson – Elder of Quorum of the Twelve Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is the most exhausted of all as he performed the most holy duty in the name of God. He has long lost his voice from all the yelling against the demon. But the prize is worth it, for the once demonized president is now resting motionlessly. Yet, not long enough before he woke tiredly to notices his surroundings. He went on a tantrum to be untied and demand for answer, which he receives promptly by various members in the room.

1) How did the you respond to the exorcism?
A) Excellent Job! Your priest - *omitted long name/title* - is now the White House official Priest! Extremely thankful!
B) How dare you do this to me! You are fired!
C) Ok.
D) Write-in

2) How is Trump reasoning of this event?
A) A demon really possessed me! BLACK MAGIC!
B) It’s probably the drug, but you won’t admit that.
C) It’s this dream phenomenon.
D) I was possessed by Jesus, you dumbasses!
E) Forgot reasoning, let’s breakfast that will not be narratively skipped because breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
F) Write-in

3) What’s the plan for today? You are not in the mood for golf again FYI.
Write-in

Nyaa fucked around with this message at 15:50 on Apr 21, 2017

Nyaa
Jan 7, 2010
Like, Nyaa.

:colbert:
You are possessed by Jesus/Demon are tied. I usually just merge the tie, but I don't think it's possible without consensus or tiebreaking.

This thread have a half and half Demon /Jesus split. The future looks bright/dark.

Nyaa
Jan 7, 2010
Like, Nyaa.

:colbert:

CourValant posted:

So, whatcha gonna do?
Current plan is to let the polar holy/unholy voters to fight it out over the no-work weekend.

Nyaa
Jan 7, 2010
Like, Nyaa.

:colbert:

CourValant posted:

So you're telling me to actively try and sway votes then? :angel:
Yes, in the name of Yeshua, you shall show them the environmentally friendly light.

Nyaa
Jan 7, 2010
Like, Nyaa.

:colbert:

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Nyaa
Jan 7, 2010
Like, Nyaa.

:colbert:

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